Top Gear (2002–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - MotorHome Racing - Alfa Romeo 159 vs Tall Man Across The Humber Estuary - full transcript

Tonight, James races a man in wellies,

Richard crashes some motorhomes,

and I close down Manchester airport.

(Applause)

Thank you very much, thank you.

Hello. Hello and welcome.

Now, in a minute, I am going to be reviewing
this new Honda Civic Type R,

but first, let's remind ourselves
what made the old Type R such a hit,

particularly among the sort of young men
who have spiky product in their hair

and communicate by grunting.

- Him, really.
- (Laughter)



To be honest, there was plenty to like
about this car.

Its engine spins so fast,
it generates its own little gravity field.

8,000 rpm.

I'm surprised it doesn't come
with its own moon!

There isn't that much actual power,

but it makes up for that
by being so urgent and so... eager.

If you liken all cars to dogs -

this one is like a pensioner's terrier -

you just open up the door and it's... (Yaps)

Out, over your shoulder.

It handled nicely too.

It feels light and it feels agile.

If you turn into a corner with no power on,
the back slides round,

it's like an old-fashioned Peugeot -
brilliant!



Of course, it's like a tripod -

always one back wheel off the ground.

Yes, I am a little terrier.
I'm cocking my leg now.

But it was the practical stuff
that made this car such a hit.

It was cheaper to buy
than almost all its rivals,

and cheaper to insure.

And because the boot is so big,

there's plenty of space
for a decent pair of speakers -

the most important accessory... for the young
man who made this car... so popular.

(Pumping music drowns out speech)

...ten pints of Stella
and a dollop of chlamydia.

You would imagine then
that the new Type R would be even better.

It's based on the new Civic, so it comes
with funky triangular exhaust tailpipes,

a dashboard from the Romulans,

and door handles from a 1950s fridge.

It's very striking, but like the old model,
it's not that expensive.

This GT version with satnav
and various other luxuries is L18,200.

Equip a Golf GTI to the same level
and it would be a whopping L5,000 more.

Unfortunately, however, from there on in,
things start to go a bit wrong.

This car is bigger and heavier
than the old model,

so, d'you wanna guess
how many more horsepowers it's got?

Thirty?

Forty?

No. One.

One more!

Honda say, that despite this,
this is just as fast as the old car.

They say it'll do naught to 60
in six and a half seconds,

and that flat-out you'll be doing 146,
but from where I'm sitting,

it just doest feel that quick.

The revs just take longer.

It feels like a big car with a small engine.

Then there's the handling.

The old car was a joy in the bends because
it had fully independent rear suspension.

Unfortunately, independent rear suspension
is jolly expensive,

so, in this, it's been replaced
with a simple torsion bar.

That makes the car cheaper to make,

and worse.

I'm not saying it's going to fall over
or hit a tree,

but, all the poise and controllability
that you used to get in the old car,

has just sort of... gone,

and all you get instead is,
oh, I don't know...

about 15 miles of... Look at this -

hideous understeer!

Still, let's see how this new car
gets on in a race against its dad.

(Tires squeal)

He's getting away!

I'm gonna have to tuck in behind him here!

Nothing I can do.

He's cocked his leg, his back wheel's
off the ground. (Laughs)

Look at that!
Look at that now - look at him!

He's just roaring away!

He's not only faster, but he's having more fun
because it's just so much nicer to drive.

The whole point of a new car is it's supposed to
be better than the one that went before,

and this plainly isn't! Look.

Ooh, come on, come on, turn in!

Off the track there -
that's just the understeer killing the fun,

killing the power, killing everything.

So, it's slower than its dad
and then there's the spoiler,

which goes right across the middle
of the rear window.

I mean, who thought that was a good idea?

And while we're on the subject
of not very good ideas...

- (Beeping)
- Can you hear that?

That beep is to tell me
the ignition key's still in.

Why? I know the ignition key's in,
cos I've just driven here.

And then there's the um,
then there's the seat.

Instead of having a wheel here,
so you can infinitely adjust the backrest,

you get a ratchet - so you either sit
bolt upright, like you're at work,

or you pull it and then you recline,

like it's a chaise longue
and you're a Victorian prostitute.

Oh, and how's this for a brainwave, OK?

You pull up, you want to get something
from the back seat,

so, you pull that lever, pull the seat forward,
get whatever it is that you wanted,

pop it back,

and it assumes that in the brief moment
you were out of the car,

you've become Richard Hammond.

Why doesn't it go back to where you left it?

I mean, what were they thinking of?

The worst part of this car though,
is the ride comfort.

It's all right here on our smooth track,

but on normal roads it is intolerable.

And it's not just me being a fat old man,
I promise.

Even if you're a teenager,

even if you're used to sleeping on the floor
at parties and being stabbed,

this is completely unacceptable.

You need a skeleton made of granite.

I like hot hatchbacks.
I always have done, but this one...

It's absolutely hopeless.

(Applause)

Out!

You can't hide in there.

Get out. What?

That man,

that man over there told me
while we were watching that film,

- that he's just bought one of these.
- Oh, that is awkward.

- (Laughter)
- Sorry.

How do you feel now?

I took them both out
and I think that one's a much nicer car.

- What, the new one?
- The new one.

The styling's a lot better,
and also a higher rpm.

That sounds much nicer.
This one sounds like you're just thrashing it.

What if you're completely wrong?

(Laughter)

Which, because it's a different opinion
to mine, you are.

- (Laughter)
- The thing is,

what we're talking about here is like a bad
sequel, isn't it? Because this is Die Hard 1,

- and then that's Die Hard 2.
- That is exactly right.

What I was hoping for here was Godfather 2

- and what it is, is Police Academy 7.
- (Laughter)

That's Emmanuelle In Bangkok which...

- (Laughter)
...wasn't as good...

Really?
I wouldn't know about that.

All I do know is this is 18,000 quid,
there or thereabouts.

You can buy a good tidy one of the old ones
for about ten, and that's what I'd do.

And it's a Honda, so it'll be as reliable
as the universe, it'll go on forever.

Absolutely.
And we must now find out how fast it goes,

this one rather, goes round our track,

and that of course means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he thought Star Wars
was a documentary...

(Laughter)

...and that he recently pulled out of I'm A
Celebrity because he's frightened of trees...

- (Laughter)
...and Australia...

- (Laughter)
...and Koo Stark.

(Laughter)

And Ant... and Dec.

(Laughter)

All we know is, he's called The Stig.

And away he goes.

Not a particularly fast start, but then frankly,
this really isn't a very fast car.

Talk among yourselves now.

There he is finally at the first corner.
Lots of tire squeal as he goes through.

The understeer seems to be
just about under control so far.

(Man)... ask the prospect if he can
envision himself in the future

with this product, service or opportunity.

(Jeremy) 0h, dear, for some terrifying reason,
Stig's learning how to be a killer salesman.

He drags it round Chicago
in a lumpen and joyless way,

and into the Hammerhead.

Turns in.

0h, God, yeah, look, there's the understeer
and lots of it.

If Stig could experience human emotions,
he'd be feeling mild disappointment now.

(Man) Also remember
that every dog has its day.

Success will prevail. You're in the zone.

(Jeremy) Yes, he is, he's in the VTEC zone
and let's see if it can give him some speed.

Through the Follow-through.
0oh, there we go, not bad.

Difficult second movie now coming into the
difficult second to last corner. That's 0K.

Up to Gambon. Turns in, keeps it straight
and tight and across the line.

- (Applause)
- Yeah, got the time here.

You're gonna be pleased by this.

You're gonna be pleased...

...because it did it
in one minute 16 point...

- No, I'm lying.
- (Laughter)

It actually did it in 1.33.5,

so, it's a little bit faster than a Golf GTI
but a lot worse.

- (Laughter)
- The styling's better.

- Shut up!
- (Laughter)

And now, the news,

and I'm afraid it's very bad.

Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.

I have not got a cold.
I've got bird flu.

(Laughter)

I have. I'm living, breathing proof,
soon to not be living or breathing,

that it can jump species.

Wow, that means it's only one species away
from humans,

- so we could all get it.
- (Laughter)

On with the news. The government
has a new solution for cutting congestion,

which is to ban us all from driving...
to work.

Good, I can't drive, I've got bird flu.

(Laughter)

They're going to introduce,
for speeding, you get six points,

which means two strikes and you're out.

On the plus side, they are talking about
introducing that scheme

where you get two points
if you're only just over the limit.

No, no, no, they're scrapping that,
I read this week,

cos it goes against their policy of all speed
of any sort kills, which actually isn't true.

I read a survey this week, which I've got here.
I brought it out with me.

OK, on country roads,
rural normal roads out of a city,

guess how many injury and, you know,
death accidents are put down to speed?

I dunno, rural, probably 50%, 60%.

- No, yokels. 80%.
- Four.

- 40%.
- 4%.

96% of accidents on rural roads have got
nothing to do with speed, so what is it then?

- What causes the other 96% of accidents?
- Yeah.

Because it's dark and it smells funny
in the countryside.

- (Laughter)
- Does anyone have any ideas?

- What?
- (Man) Tractors.

Horses.

No, I think the man with horses
is onto something.

I genuinely believe it's animals.

People swerving.
You know, they've got their kids in the back,

and swerve on the wrong side of the road
just to miss some fox, which is just a rat.

(Laughter)

- No, it isn't.
- It is.

No, a rat is quite small
and has like a really bald long tail,

and a fox is quite big and fluffy
and has a big bushy tail, and a name - Basil.

- (Laughter)
- You're not a country man, are you?

- Not all of them are called Basil.
- No, no, it's like badgers,

cos have you seen...
I bet you tune in, I do.

- Kate Humble's Badger Watch.
- Every week.

It's not what you'd think at all.

(Laughter)

I tuned in, she was talking about
some stupid little animal

that basically
is a chemical weapons factory

spreading tuberculosis
around the countryside.

- (Laughter)
- People get it into their heads like you

that foxes are cute and badgers are cute,
and they're not.

I honestly believe, genuinely, that the country,

cos we've established
only 4% of accidents are caused by speed,

and I bet most of those are bikers, so
driving in the countryside is completely safe

and would be better
if you could get rid of all the animals.

You've got that the wrong way round.
You know Richmond Park outside London -

everybody drives through there
at 15 or 20 mph,

because they're scared about
running over Bambi, cos it's full of deer.

Then, as soon as they get to the city,
where they'll only run over people,

- they all speed up and drive like lunatics.
- (Laughter)

So, what are you suggesting?

Put the deer in the town.

(Laughter)

Yeah, but actually...

If you empty the countryside of all the animals
and put them in...

James,
you've hit, for the first time in your life...

When I come to power,
I'm gonna make you my minister of transport,

- and you can implement that.
- Oh, there's a rosy future for us all!

(Laughter)

Now, I'd like to talk about a car.

Ooh!

On Top Gear? No!

Seriously, look at this, this is
the Mercedes McLaren SLR Roadster,

which is now officially
the fastest convertible in the world.

That'll do 206 mph,

with the roof down.

But, if a bluebottle flies over the top
of the windscreen at that speed,

and hits you
in the middle of your forehead,

it'll go straight through...

...its own arse.

(Laughter)

- I thought you'd say it'll go through your head.
- I was expecting that.

No, your head'll be fine.

Anyway, you know those Citro?ns
that have got a vibrating seat?

And the idea is that if you nod off
and stray out of lane on the motorway,

the seat base vibrates and wakes you up
and ooh, you can get back in lane.

I was talking to a girl the other day
who got one,

and she said she'd gone
from London to Birmingham,

deliberately on the hard shoulder
because it was so nice.

(Laughter)

The only problem with that is,

is that in order to have this excellent facility,
you have to buy a Citro?n...

- Which is terrible.
- But now... I've come across this.

- What is it?
- Well, it's a seat base

that you put on your car seat, like that,

and then you turn it on
and the middle bit vibrates.

You sit on it and it vibrates.

- You don't have to go over the lanes?
- You don't need a Citro?n either,

you just have this.
The thing is, it's quite annoying.

I think it's probably not meant for you.

(Laughter)

Is it meant for you?

- No, I think you have to be a girl.
- Oh, yeah.

- They're like chaps but they've got...
- Want to come and try this out?

She's blushing.

Come on, try it out.

Try out my captain's chair and tell me
if that's good and you'd like that in your car.

- Are you ready?
- OK.

- Oh, that's good.
- (Laughter)

Does anybody else want a go?

How can this be legal?

Honestly, you can't drive while eating an apple
or using a mobile phone.

But you can drive
when you're all cross-eyed and sweaty!

(Laughter)

- That's 59.99.
- So, it's more expensive than a Citro?n.

- (Laughter)
- But it's worth it.

Do you like the Dodge Viper?

- Yeah.
- You do?

Well, there's a new version out - here it is.
It's called the ACR,

and they've squeezed more power
out of the engine,

the 8.4 liter V10 -
has 600 brake horsepower.

And you can buy what they're calling
the hardcore pack.

- Really?
- They'll strip out all the interior -

carpets, radio, and that saves 40 pounds,
which in America is lunch, isn't it?

- (Laughter)
- Anyway, can I make an important point?

- Yes.
- You know petrol

went past a pound a liter this week,

and everybody's saying, "It's too expensive,
we've all got to commit suicide?"

But it isn't expensive at all.
It's cheap.

Well, it is, actually, because some
mineral water I saw was L4.99 a liter.

Exactly. And it's a good job
your car doesn't run on bull semen.

Well, it is, yes, but why?

Because do you know
how much bull semen is?

D'you know, I can't remember
off the top of my head.

- (Laughter)
- L24,000 a liter.

- No way!
- This is my point.

Seriously, I mean, petrol, they've gotta
build an oil rig, float it out to sea,

dig a hole with nothing in it,
dig another, then another,

then you get oil then you put it a ship,

float it halfway round the world
to another country,

put it in a refinery,
which is the size of a small county,

turn it into petrol, ship it to a garage,
put it in a flame-proof tank

and sell it to the customer, and they're doing
that for a pound a liter - I find that incredible.

Actually, no. No, because
the government takes 65 pence,

so, they're actually doing that
for 35 pence a liter.

- Exactly.
- And if you buy ten liters, you get a torch.

- Well, there you go.
- (Laughter)

Oh, no, that said, I filled my car up with petrol
a couple of months ago,

- d'you know how much that cost?
- Well, no.

- Ninety quid.
- No, L35,000.

- You filled it up with bull sperm, you idiot!
- (Laughter)

No, somebody nicked my...
The garage did that credit card thing

- where they sell it to somebody.
- Oh.

Somebody's been running around in California
spending my money on stuff.

I reckon he spent it on bull sperm.

- (Laughter)
- Did you not notice the pump was different?

(Laughter)

Moo! It keeps mooving!

Now it's chasing me!
I don't want it any more.

I've got bird flu, be nice.

(Laughter)

Now, Alfa Romeo has launched a replacement
for its 156 which is called the 159.

Actually, James,
that was launched two years ago.

Yes, it was,
but we weren't paying attention.

- (Laughter)
- Never mind, we like Alfas on Top Gear,

so, I thought that, belatedly, I admit,
I should go and find out what's what.

So, better late than never, here it is.

But before we get stuck in, we have
to take care of some housekeeping.

I have here, the Top Gear Italian Car
Road Test Clich? Swear Box,

and every time I use a word
like "soul" or "passion",

or any bit of fake Italiano to describe this car,
I've gotta put a pound in it.

Let me explain the problem.

For years, people who do my job,
people who test cars,

have only ever been able to say
exactly the same thing about Alfa Romeos,

and it is "Yes, the build quality
is a bit ropey in places,

"and the electrics will probably prove
to be a bit iffy..."

"But we prefer them to BMWs,

"because an Alfa's beautiful looks
and gorgeous engine note...

"...fill it with soul and passion."

Oh, God! Anyway, you see the problem.
This is what Alfa Romeo is about.

To be honest, I could take the road test
on the 156, which we did nine years ago,

and just change the six to a nine.

Still, you never know,
maybe this time things will be different.

Let's start with the looks.

That front end, those lights,

that sweeping bonnet line,
the striking grille,

and it's the same story round the back.

Inside, there are lots of silvery bits
and lovely dials.

In fact, there are two words that perfectly
encapsulate the stylistic beauty of this car.

So, business as usual
when it comes to appearances,

but that could be the last time
I put my hand in my pocket.

You see, Alfa Romeo has now put ein German
in charge of the company,

and he's a man who used to be responsible
for things like BMW M series cars,

and more recently,
the Rolls-Royce Phantom.

Stuff that doesn't fall apart.

Apparently,
he's passionate about build quality,

and he's promising that the electrics will
no longer be installed by a toddler group.

And he better be right, frankly, because this
thing is now stuffed with electrical gizmos.

It's got an electronic key,
it's got automatic climate control,

it's got an mp3 compatible stereo,

it's got parking sensors,

you can have satnav and you can have
an integrated mobile phone.

All this on a car which, at L22,500, is two grand
less than the equivalent 3-series.

Now, we won't know
if this quality regime works

until you tell us what the 159 is like
to live with,

but for now,
there's a more pressing issue.

The danger is that under this new regime,

the alternator will work, the headlights
will come on when you turn the switch,

but the 159 will have lost
its essentially Alfa you-know-what,

and it won't drive with all the Alfa
traditional... diddly and doodah.

To find out,
we need to take it for a good drive.

And for that,
we've come to the River Humber.

It's an amazing feat of nature,

which every day,
drains one fifth of England.

My job today
is to get from one side to the other,

and to keep the Alfa on its toes,
I'll be racing against a man.

Yes, it's another
of our real life situation tests.

This is Graham Bowness. He's rather tall
and on this occasion, that's a good thing.

You see, the easiest and quickest way
across the mile-wide river,

is the magnificent Humber Bridge...

...but in our race,
neither of us is allowed to use it.

So, I'm gonna drive round the estuary
the long way,

starting here, go up here, bit of motorway,

and then this series
of spaghetti-like B roads,

where I'll find out if the Alfa still has
the soul and the passion.

And Graham? He's going to do
something rather amazing.

He's going to walk across.

Is there a risk that you'll just get stuck?

There is, yeah. There's a risk that when
I'm in the thick mud that's across there,

exhaustion can maybe get the better of me
and then I'll just, you know, pass out.

So, you haven't got a breathing tube
or a small aqualung or anything like that?

You can only breathe as long as your head
is above the water,

- and it will only just be above the water.
- Yeah.

- So you've either gotta make it or you drown?
- Correct.

What else can I say
but three, two, one...

Go.

Right, I'm not gonna be beaten by a man in
a giant condom walking across a muddy river.

Graham's journey of 1.8 miles
should take him about an hour and a half,

and my journey of 65 miles,
should take me about the same.

I'll just tell you quickly about the new engine
in this car while I'm in the village.

It's a 2.2 liter petrol four-cylinder,
it's very modern.

It's got words like "variable"
written on the top of it.

There's a lovely bit in this engine as you get
into the higher reaches of the rev range.

It really comes alive.

That's a quid in the box whatever that is.

As thousands of tonnes of tidal water
tore away at Graham's muscles,

I left the B roads
for a quick motorway blast.

Here we go.

Get into fifth.

The great thing about an Alfa is,

somehow the Italians do know
how to make a car feel elemental.

But I suppose that's not surprising
from a nation that gave us Verdi.

It was time to leave the motorway.

Ahead lay 35 more miles of B road.

Now it gets interesting.

Graham was past the halfway point,

and despite his immense strength,

he was struggling against
the incoming 12 mph tide.

I was also struggling
to keep hold of my money.

I'm just stringing this series
of sweeping bends together,

like someone who's really skilled
at using a fork to roll up their spaghett...

Nice tight right-hander coming up here.

It's got a little kick
and a shimmy from the front.

It's all frisky like one of those Peio ponies.

This is getting expensive.

The Alfa's handling had cost me dear -
four quid, in fact...

...but now we were in the final stages
of the race.

Come on!

This is it, this is the home stretch bit.

Come on.

I'm looking for the waterside beacon.

There it is.
That's the beacon.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

I'd lost and I was broke.

Congratulations anyway.

- Thank you.
- Do you mind if I don't?

(Applause)

Now, not so long ago,
we in Britain bought more estate cars

than any other nation on earth,
but then all of a sudden,

everybody decided that what they
really wanted was a big 4x4 of some sort.

The problem is, though, that these days,
if you drive a big 4x4 into a city,

communists and ecologicals throw eggs
at you and make rude gestures.

Obviously, one solution is to buy
a 1963 Opel Kadett, preferably yellow.

- I called mine...
- No, Richard, that's not a solution,

but I think I've got one.

What's the matter
with going back to the estate car?

For the same sort of money as
a Porsche Cayenne or a Range Rover,

you could have either of these.

There's the BMWM5 Touring...

...or the AMG Mercedes E Class.

Both will take five people in comfort,

in the same way that a Range Rover
will take five people in comfort.

And it's not like you're wanting for space
in the boot either.

In here, with the back seats folded down,

I have been able to fit
a massive 60 cubic feet of cheese,

so if you're in the cheese-making industry,
this is a very practical and impressive car.

Now, because the Mercedes is lower,
obviously you get less space in the back,

but you'd be surprised how close it is.

I've actually got
57 cubic feet of cheese in there.

And if you convert cheese into dogs,
that's 4.3 Great Danes.

And what's more,
if I push this button here,

the whole floor slides out,
so, if this cheddar were a dog,

it would be able to get in and out
more easily.

Sadly, the BMW isn't quite as commodious,
and the rear seats don't fold down flat,

but it's still not what you'd call poky in there.

So, if it's space you're worried about,

these cars are very nearly as good
as the four-wheel drive alternatives.

They're also just children-proof.

I mean, yes, obviously there's a lot of leather
and carpet back there,

into which kids can rub jam and chocolate,

but then, the back of a Porsche Cayenne
isn't exactly a Fisher-Price ball pit, is it?

So, what about the environment?

Well, this is the Ape and Apple pub.

It's where the Manchester branch
of Greenpeace meets

to discuss polar bears and algae
over a lovely pint of wheatgrass.

Now, the fact of the matter is,

those cars produce about the same amount
of greenhouse gases

as a Porsche Cayenne Turbo,

but, because ecohippies
are so hung up on off-road cars,

nobody's really paying them
any attention at all.

In a whole hour, not one person
pulled off their windscreen wipers

or let down their tires.

And there's more good news.

These cars are more comfortable
than any 4x4.

Yes, sure, the BMW crashes about a bit,
but the ride in the Merc is sublime.

And so is its onboard entertainment, navigation
command system thing.

The BMW's is far too complicated

but even I can get this one to work
without hitting it with a hammer.

- Your route is being calculated.
- There you go. Easy-peasy.

Please turn right. Now turn right.

And to shut her up,
we just push that and she's silenced.

Please turn right in 100 yards.

0f course, where both cars fall down
is out here.

Neither could pull a horsebox
up a slippery field, for instance.

I know this because neither can even
pull themselves up a slippery field.

So, if you... If you get stuck in a field,
these cars are not ideal.

But what if you were to get stuck say,
on the tarmac at Manchester Airport,

when it was deserted
because of a fire drill?

(Squealing tires)

Why does anybody buy
a Range Rover Sport?

If you want sport, get an M5,
turn the traction control on,

and mash your foot into the Axminster.

(Tires squeal)

Like the normal M5, it's got
a 500 brake horsepower V10 engine.

It's got a seven-speed flappy paddle gearbox
with shift ferocity control.

It's got an electronic differential.

It is one of the most exciting cars
made today.

0nly now, because this is an estate,
your dog can come too.

OK, that's 100 mph.
Just watch these numbers come.

Remember, it's limited to 155.

That's 140. Here we go, that's a 150.

160?

I'm looking through a head-up display.

We're moving to now, 175 mph.

On a runway, you really do think
"I'm gonna take off!"

The bigger, softer, more practical Mercedes

doesn't look like it could hold a candle
to the BMW, but don't be fooled.

Because its 6.2 liter V8 pumps out
an astonishing 507 brake horsepower.

This thing is more powerful
than a Ferrari F40.

It's more powerful than Mexico.

The extraordinary thing about the Merc
is it doesn't have an electronic diff,

it doesn't have variable anything.

You just wanna get in and go.

And then go some more.

And more.

(Laughs)

So, which is quicker?

Tell you what,

let's find out.

(Tires squeal)

I think that the BMW brakes better than this.

I think it handles better than this,
I think it's quicker through the corners...

but as soon as you get this thing
on a straight...

...the BMW doesn't stand a chance!

These cars then, they're both brilliant.

Sure, they can't off-road
like a big 4x4,

but they're so much more fun
where you spend most of your time -

on the runway at Manchester Airport.

(Applause)

Thank you.

- Come on then.
- What?

- Which is best?
- Which is best?

Er, well, the BMW is more fun to drive
and a teeny-weeny bit cheaper,

and I think slightly better-looking,

but, the Merc is bigger, more comfortable,
more practical, faster,

easier to use
and it sounds like amplified thunder.

So, you'd have the Merc.

- No.
- Why not?

- Because I'd have a Range Rover.
- What?! Why?

- (Laughter)
- Because when you drive a Range Rover,

you get this warm, moist feeling inside

- that you're annoying Bill Oddie.
- (Laughter)

Now, here on Top Gear we're always
on the lookout for new forms of motor sport,

and this week, we think
we've come up with a good one.

Traditionally, amateur racers
go off for a weekend of motor sport,

with a motorhome to sleep in
and the car on the trailer behind.

But I've thought of a cunning way
to streamline this whole business.

Just leave the car and trailer behind
and race the motorhome.

I think this plan
has a stench of genius about it.

You've still got something to get there in,
something to sleep in,

something to race,
and you've still got something to go home in.

To test this theory, I've come here
to Essex Raceway in Essex.

Home to banger racing, stock-car racing

and from next year, the British round
of the Formula 0ne world championship.

This is my motorhome, a Ford Midas. Nice.

Now, let's meet my fellow competitors and
their mobile motor sport racing living quarters.

In the Mitsubishi L300,
we've got touring car star, Matt Neal.

In the Toyota Liteace
we've got touring car star, Anthony Reid.

In the Chevrolet, we've got touring car star,
Tom Chilton.

In the left hand drive
Fiat Ducato NV70 Globetrotter,

we've got touring car star, Mat Jackson.

And in the Transit,
we've got desperate.

So, we have all sizes and shapes
of luxury motorhome here,

and all manner of engines and power outputs,
and that's good,

because it leads to the one thing
you want most of all in motor sport -

unpredictability.

And the unpredictability doesn't end there,

because motorhome racing brings with it
a whole new set of tactical decisions.

You see, the governing body of motorhome
racing states in the official 2007 rulebook

that you must prepare your motorhome
for racing the night before the race.

Once the sun goes down,
you may not make any further changes.

Which leaves you with a dilemma -

do you strip it out
and endure a terrible night's sleep

that means you're not on form for the race,

or do you leave the luxuries in place,

and then face having to compete
with all the extra weight onboard?

I went for the strip it all out,
have a bad night option...

...and actually,
so did all the other drivers.

Well, nearly all.

Gravy juice, pan, warm.

Peas, carrots, add.

Finally, everything was ready...

That's a pie.

...for next day's big race.

Night descended over Essex.

- (Dog barking)
- (Gunfire)

Morning broke over Essex.

- (Barking)
- (Gunfire)

It was time to celebrate the birth
of a new motor sport.

Great day for a race, this -

Friday the 13th.

(Horn)

As one of the sport's co-founders,
I was in car number one,

and James was in car number six.

Turn it in, feed it through the apex.

There's quite a lot of understeer occurring.

0oh-hool

Now, the point of this sport

is that you should be able to drive
your motorhome home again,

so the rules are simple -
15 laps and no body contact.

Oh!

(Horn)

Mind you,
we had invited touring car drivers.

Right, we're three abreast.
This is gonna be a late braking competition.

Oh, no!

Oh!

I've just seen the door of the kitchen unit
on the track,

and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.

James' tactic of a good night's sleep
wasn't working out.

He was at the back of the field,
but he had a plan.

But the trick, I think,
is to take a slow but inside line,

so that, as they get carried away,
I can sneak through on the left-hand edge.

The little red Toyota had no bulk
and no power but was plucky,

and we respected that... for a bit.

(Laughs)

But with some aerodynamic tweaks...

the Toyota found some speed.

No, the Toyota's gone through!

Lap eight, and amazingly,
James had managed to get lost on an oval.

0n lap ten,
I lost a bit of structural rigidity.

Oh, nuts!

May have been a slight touch there.

Most of this will clean up.
Most of that will clean out.

I'm having a burst of power,

and it's not...
it's coming from me own motor.

With just three laps to go,
the red mist descended.

Luckily, my structure was still holding.

No, it wasn't.

(James) Oh, Hammond's gone!

Lightness is everything.

Whoa!

That shelving unit was my downfall.

Bloody pikeys!

Oh, right on my inside line!

0n the checkered flag,
the little red Toyota was first,

and I came home third.

Well, I think the "no contact" rule
needs a bit of a tweak,

but we are onto something here.

Like I said, you turn up in one vehicle,
you sleep in it,

you race in it and then you drive it home.

(Applause)

Well done.

So... Were you impressed?

Well, not really, because if I'd have been invited
to take part in your new sport,

I would have brought one of these.

It's made in Germany
and it's called The Performance.

- Is it fast?
- No.

It has a 12,000cc engine
with a turbocharger,

but it's quite heavy.

Why, what's in it?

Well, let me show you.

Step this way.

- Do you need a ladder?
- No, I'll be fine.

- OK.
- (Laughter)

These stairs, for example, are granite -
you can see the glitter.

It's all sparkly!
I want that in my house!

Well, there's a lot more
you'll want in your house in here.

- The table's granite.
- I want that.

This work surface here, OK -
you looking at it?

It's sparkly, I want it in my house.

- Check this out.
- Whoa, what's that?

- That's the plasma television coming up.
- I want that in my home!

Come look at the bathroom.

There's a power shower -
I mean, it massages you, OK?

- And then, look at the floor.
- Oh, look at that!

Look at the underfloor lighting
and then look at these taps, OK?

Just touch that... and it comes on.

Ok, and that's blue, so it's cold.

Push that, it goes red when it's hot!

And then, in there, is your bedroom.

Wow!

You see, I don't think that's gonna work,

because as I proved,
if you don't strip all that stuff out,

it'll be too heavy and you'll come last.

No, James, you're wrong,

cos you haven't seen this thing's
piece de r?sistance yet.

What you have to do is come down here
like this, open this up,

and there you are.

(Richard) Wow!

What I'm gonna do now
is just lower that down.

Check it out.

(Gasps and laughter)

Oh, that is brilliant.

Yeah!

(Applause)

That is...

That is amazing!

So, when this gets all smashed up
in the race,

you can drive home in your posh car.

Exactly. That's what you need, Richard,
to win a motorhome race, is ingenuity.

How much is it?

- Er, and cash.
- How much?

Er, well, excluding the car,
this would cost you...

...L750,000.

- That's a lot.
- It is.

You could almost buy a house for that.

(Laughter)

And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

Thank you very much for watching.
See you next week. Good night.