Top Gear (2002–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - London Race - full transcript

CLARKSON : Tonight,
The Stig tests a tube train.

Richard tests
a pair of shorts.

And I try my hand at running.

Thank you, thank you.

Hello. Hello and welcome.

Welcome.
Welcome to an award-winning
Top Gear. Yeah.

We've got a gong
for Best Factual Programme,

which is astonishing when you
think we haven't actually put
a fact in the show

for the last five years.

No matter, we're kicking off
tonight with Richard Hammond,
not in shorts,

he is, in fact,
in an Aston Martin.



HAMMOND: This is it.
The new V8 Vantage Roadster.

And it's pig-ugly.

Actually, though,
it's not, is it?
It's unbelievably gorgeous.

Not only is it a looker,

it's also got the same
4.3 litre, 380 horsepower V8

as you get in
the Vantage Coupe,

which means it makes
the same noise.

Oh!

That alone is worth 90,000
of the 91-grand asking price.

But let's not get
carried away.

Because when Aston
hack the top off a car,

they're perfectly capable
of turning a good sports car

into a soggy blancmange.

The DB9 for instance
is fabulous to drive
as a hard-top,



but much less than fabulous
as a roadster.

The question is,
have they made
the same mistake here?

Not exactly.

Usually when
they make a cabrio version

they have to soften it up
because it can't handle
all that sporty treatment.

But the chassis on
this roadster is so stiff

that they can actually
give it further suspension.

Result, it actually likes
going round corners.

Yes!

So, a roadster
that drives like a hard-top.

And though it pains me
to say it,

this thing makes a 911
look like a bit of a minger.

There are, however,
a few reminders

that although Aston
is now privately owned,

this car came from
the Ford era.

And that it was
indeed conceived
by Ford's crack team...

Of accountants.

The key fob might have a nice,
classy leather back,

but actually,
it's taken straight
from a 20-grand Volvo.

And this screen here
for all the computer functions

looks like it came off
an Amstrad.
In 1985.

And why, when they got someone
to record the voice commands,

did they choose the warder
from a women's prison?

CAR NAVIGATION UNIT:
100 yards ahead. Turn right.

Turn right!

HAMMOND: But I'm nit-picking,
because really,
this is a great car.

Top speed is
175 miles an hour.

0 - 60 takes 4.9 seconds.

Now often at this point, we
like to demonstrate the car's
straight line performance,

by having a drag race.

Today is no exception.

Now we thought, rather than
a drag race against
another car.

We'll have one, against a man.

He's called Dirk Auer,

and he's from Germany.

Now, if he's going to race me,

I'd be stupid
to let him hang on
to my coat-tails.

And Dirk agrees.

Which is why
he's got three jet engines,

together making
300 horsepower,

that he's going to strap
to his back.

Kitted out with
an aerodynamic helmet
and special inline skates,

this human cruise missile
claims he can hit
120 miles an hour.

Time to find out
if that's just hot air.

Aston Martin say, this car
will do a quarter mile in
just over 13 seconds.

He didn't even flinch
when I told him that. So...

Let's see what happens when
Britain and Germany,
in quite an odd way,

I must admit,
go to battle once again.

If you'd told me that you had
a dream in which you drag race
an Aston Martin

against a man
on jet-powered roller skates,

people would tell you
to lay off the strong cheese
at night.

We're away!

I can't believe how quickly
that thing gets off the line!

80...

90...

100!

We're level pegging!
He's on roller skates!

Come on!

Yeah!

I won!

I beat a man on roller skates

in an Aston Martin!

Yes!

Right. It's now time
to move on
and for me to drive a car.

It's called the Caparo T1
and it's possibly
the most amazing,

maybe the fastest,

and almost certainly
the scariest car ever made.

CLARKSON : Remarkable-looking
thing, isn't it?

And even more remarkable
when you notice it has lights
and indicators

and space for a passenger.

What you are looking at,
here then, is the first
realistic attempt

to make a Formula 1 style car

that you can use on the road.

It hasn't had a particularly
easy birth.

At a press launch,
a Dutch journalist was in it

when some aspects
of the front suspension
came adrift

and it speared off
into the undergrowth.

Then, at the Goodwood Festival
of Speed the throttle jammed
wide open.

And that happened again when
Fifth Gear were testing it.

And then, at 150 mile an hour,
it caught fire massively,

burning the driver,
Jason Plato, quite badly

on the hand,
the neck, and the face.

And now it is my turn.

Because of this cars violent
history and the immense
speeds it can achieve

the BBC has insisted we beef
up our safety precautions!

This is what we normally use.
A van with some sticking
plasters and Aspirin in it.

Today though, we have enough
to deal with a medium-sized
plane crash.

Caparo themselves say I'm not
allowed to drive it unless I
wear a full-face crash helmet

and one of these Nomex
romper suits, presumably so
that if something goes wrong

all my organs will be held
together in one, sort of,
big fireproof bag.

They'll be easier to collect.

So, everything is in place.

I'm in.

So, first of all, we have
to put the steering wheel on.

It goes on the other way up.
That's what it does.

Seat belts.

Right. On.
The fire-extinguisher system
master switch on. Ignition.

It's a road car
so it will probably
be quite quiet.

Here we go.

No, it isn't quiet.

If this all goes wrong,
I'll do the Team America
secret signal.

-Okay.

-Horn works.

Here we go.

Well, I don't know what
the fuss is all about.
This is very safe.

I can see no danger
here at all.

Designed by the same people
who brought you
the McLaren F1,

the Caparo has
a three and a half litre,
V8 race engine,

which delivers 575 horsepower.

That is a huge amount in a car
that weighs about the same as
a patio heater.

As a result, it has twice
as much brake horsepower
per tonne

as a Bugatti Veyron,
twice as much!

In a road car, that is a truly
terrifying prospect.

So far now,
all four wheels are still on,
yeah.

The throttle
has not jammed open

and there is no fire.

So, goodbye, safety people.

Oh, my God! God Almighty!

You can forget Enzos.

You can forget Koenigsegg.
This is in a different league.

It does naught to 60
in two-and-a-half seconds.

Naught to 100 in five
and it'll still be going
like a bee out of hell

all the way up to 205.

Well, hopefully
the twin tail planes

like you get on
a SR-71 Blackbird spy plane

will keep it stable.

And the braking. Oh, God!

You couldn't stop more quickly
if you ran into a tree.

Here we go again.
To experience
anything like this

you would have to be
in a Formula 3000 car.

This is acceleration
like I have never,
ever experienced.

And then the floor came off.

I am going to do
the secret signal.

Thankfully,
it wasn't a big job

and soon the T1 was back.

And then there was a problem
with the fuel, wasn't turning
out to be very reliable, this.

And then there's the price.

I don't really know how
to soften the blow on this,

so I'll just come
straight out with it.

It's £235,000.

Really then, the only people
fit, brave, and rich enough
to buy such a car

are Premiership footballers

I am sure Mr Rooney
will like the speed
and the looks very much.

But he's in for a nasty
surprise when he gets it back
from the menders.

Because this is about
as good at taking corners
as he is.

Oh, no, that is a lot
of under-steer.

Oh, that is
a lot of under-steer there.

I put my foot on the power
but there is so much
power in this

I'm just going to spin out.
Oh, God, this is a disaster.

The shape has been
designed so the
air flowing over it

will press
the car into the road.

It will actually generate
3 g in a fast bend.

Unfortunately, in a slow bend,
the air isn't moving over
the body quickly enough.

And you have almost
no grip at all.

Look at it snaking,
fighting for grip
that just isn't there.

If the tyres are cold,
the problem is
10 times worse.

And if the road is wet,
it'll spin up the rears
through third and fourth.

If you try to go around
a normal roundabout
at a normal speed in this

you're going
to have a huge accident.

When this thing goes on sale,
there isn't going to be
a ditch in the land

or a hedgerow that isn't full
of glorious footballers
all broken and on fire.

Because of this car,
I wouldn't be, at all,
surprised Grimsby Town

won this year's FA Cup.

So let me just... Hang on.

To generate enough down force
to get around a corner

-you have to go really fast?
-Yes.

Brilliant excuse
for the police.

"I had to go around that
corner, officer, at a 1000
miles an hour.

"Because if I was doing 30,
I'd have crashed."

But, don't you think?
The thing I like is that it is
amazing that this is allowed.

Because I mean,
there's a regulation that says

that headlight has
to be that height.

They have to put
the seatbelts in.

But there are no laws
governing how fast it can go.

No. And we must now find out
how fast it goes around
our track.

Which means, of course,
we have to hand it over

to someone
who understands down force.

Some say that to unlock him
you have to run your finger
down his face.

Like that.

And that he were getting
divorced from Paul McCartney,

he'd keep his stupid whining
mouth shut.

All we know is he's called
The Stig.

And he's off, and he's
gone already, little bit
of wheel spin there.

Now he's heading
down to the first corner.

Fairly fast. There should be
just about enough down force
to get him round.

Let's have a look...
Look at the speed
he's going there.

The tail kicked out
a little bit.

It's snaking.

Now, he's got to build up
the speed again,

obviously, he's got
no stereo today,
so no self-help.

As he turns into Chicago,
running a bit wide,

the understeer kicking in,
not much you can
do about that.

Now, he's just back on that
three and a half litre engine,

into the Hammerhead,
he's gonna be in
serious bother here,

if he's not careful.

Understeer again,
then understeer,

then understeer,
then understeer,
then oversteer,

and now he can get back
on the power.

This would be phenomenal
through to follow through.

Three g through there,
easy-peasy.

Getting on for Formula One
levels of grip through
the tyres. God, that's quick.

Now he's got more bother again

cos he's got to go slowly
for the second-to-last corner.
Turning in.

Held that one very nicely.
Last corner.

Again running wide!
And across the line.

Now...

This is, uh...

Despite the handling issues,
shall we say, we are expecting
this to be pretty fast.

Mixing it up here
with the top crowd,

the 118s, the 117s, the 119s.

It actually did it
in one minute,

10.6.

MAY: Whoa!

Staggering.
Absolutely staggering.

That's the fastest thing
by miles.

And now what I'm going to do,
is take it off again.

MAY: What? Why?

Well, you know
the rules, James.

If a car can't get over
a sleeping policeman,

it can't go on that board.

We've always said that.
And look at the nose on this.

I mean never mind
a sleeping policeman,

you'd rip that off
if you ran over Gandhi.

So, uh, sorry about that,
and now we're moving on,

because it's time
to put a star
in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight
is a very busy man.

So busy, in fact, that
the only hole we could
find in his diary

was two weeks ago,

so we interviewed him then,
and then we thought

we'd slide it into
tonight's programme,

and nobody would be
any the wiser.

I've had my hair cut to match,
I'm wearing roughly
the same clothes,

we're in the same building.

It was all very ambitious,
but as is so often the way
with Top Gear,

I am afraid it hasn't
quite worked.

Because, if you watch very
carefully,

this poppy is about
to magically disappear.

Ladies and gentleman,
from the past, Simon Cowell.

Welcome back.

-How are you?
-Very good.
How are you?

Very good.
Thank you.

Have a seat.

Not your first visit,
of course, isn't it?

I was here,
was it four years ago?

Four years ago,
when we had the Suzuki Liana.

-We've moved on now.
-Oh, you've really moved up
in the world.

Absolutely, and so have you.

Because then it was Pop Idol,
wasn't it?

Yes, second Pop Idol
or something, yeah.

Pop Idol. And since then
you've got American Inventor,
British Inventor.

-American Idol.
-American Idol.

-X Factor.
-X Factor.

-Britain's Got Talent.
-How many more opportunities
are there,

for you to get a lot of money
from phone lines,

where people vote
on things?

We only do the phone lines,
so that the audience can vote.

So we're sort of giving
something back
to the audience.

-You can do an illegal
immigrant one.
-A what?

Where people compete
for a British passport.

Are you seriously pitching me
this idea?

No, I'm thinking
I might do it, actually.
It's such a good idea.

It's fantastic. It's yours.

-I just have ideas
all the time.
-Okay, they're not very good.

What, and X Factor is?

Yeah. Yes.

Why are they clapping?

Now, come on, fair's fair.

This is your audience,
isn't it?
I can really tell that.

Could I be a judge
on X Factor?

-Shall I tell you why
you couldn't?
-Why?

Because I'm ageing quiet well,
and you're not.

And I thought about you
the other day, I was reading
one of your reviews,

about a Jaguar,

about how Jaguars
have to update themselves
over the years,

and you are the equivalent

of a Jaguar
who needs help.

In other words, you know
how you do a facelift
on the new Jaguar...

-Oh I can't do a facelift.
-No, you do, you need Botox,

you need a facelift,

just have half an eye done.

I look in the mirror...
Don't you look in the mirror
and go,

"Yeah, no, I'm falling
to pieces, and
I don't care"?

-No. I don't think that.
-You think that you care?

-I think I look good.
-You do look good.

I know I do.

-We're the same age.
-And I don't care.

-You must do.
-Should I care about it?

And that's why you couldn't
come on my show.

The other reason is
I'll just sit, going,
"No. No. No."

The second is,
you'd be funnier than me.

That's why you'll
never come on.

How's America,
is it going well?

I like it there, you know,
I mean, I've been there
five years, it's fun.

-You live there?
-I live there, I live there
for half the year now.

So you've got to split
your cars,

-America and UK.
-Yes.

So come on then,
what've you bought?

In England I have an Audi,
the new Audi,

-The R8, that is brilliant,
isn't it?
-Right.

Well, it's very interesting,
I was driving the car
the other day,

and I was thinking about what
you said on the show,

-about it being better than
a Porsche.
-Mmm-hmm.

And I was kind of thinking,
why is it better than
a Porsche?

The reason it's better than
a Porsche is that people
like you in it.

I promise you,
at that split second,

someone overtook me,

put their hand out the window,
went, "Tosser."

At exactly that moment.

Perhaps telling you
to put your seat belt on.

-That's all it was,
put the seat belt on.
-Is that what it was?

No, it's a good car,
and then on your
recommendation,

I bought
a Lamborghini Gallardo,
whatever you call it.

-Spyder.
-Spyder.

Which is completely pointless.

Because,
and I'll tell you why,

when you're driving around
the track here,
it's fantastic.

Driving it in London,
it's impossible.

Why?

You can't do more than
10 miles an hour in this car,

it's like, Naomi Campbell
phoning you up,

going out for dinner,
ending up in a hotel room,

and then she then's telling
you that she's a lesbian.

-It's sort of pointless...
-I wouldn't mind that.

-Bring a friend,
let's be on a look.
-Uh-huh.

Good point, actually.

It's kind of pointless.

-Why?
-Because, you can't drive
these things properly.

But what can you drive
in London that you
derive enjoyment from?

That's my point, nothing.

-You've still got
the Rolls Royces?
-Yes.

-One there, one here.
-Thanks, to Fifth Gear,
who recommended it.

I like Westlife.

That's one of Louis's,
isn't it?

-No, one of mine actually.
-Is it?

-Aren't they the Irish ones?
-Yeah, he manages them.

-And they're signed to my
record label.
-Oh. Okay.

Who isn't signed
to your record label?

-Spice Girls.
-I like them.

-I wanna hear about my lap.
-Really?

Yeah.

-Oh, all right then.
Are you a competitive man?
-Yes.

Because the last time
you came here...

-I won.
-You went to the top and then
you were knocked off by...

-Jimmy Carr, wasn't it?
-Who I saw, like weeks after,

who was horribly patronising
about the whole thing,
you know.

So today is the day
you've come back to see
if you can get to the top.

-Yes.
-Off the board.

-That's why I'm here.
-How did it go?

I don't think it went as well
as last time.

Who'd like to see it?

AUDIENCE: Yes.

Play the tap.

Okay, here we go.

-CLARKSON:
What do you think of the car?
-COWELL: Terrible.

CLARKSON : Really
didn't like it?

COWELL: I mean, seriously
the worst car
I've ever driven.

CLARKSON : That's good
and aggressive
through there.

Drat.

CLARKSON: Ah, you caught
a little wheel spin
through there.

Then into the Hammerhead,
nicely done so far...

That's pretty good.

-Is that good?
-Yeah, very good.

CLARKSON : Right, now
flat from now on.

-Flat.
-Yeah.

CLARKSON : And still
flat through
the tyres.

That's how you do it, Jeremy.

CLARKSON : I know, I drive
around here
all the time.

- I know and...
-CLARKSON : I'm still never
telling myself.

Look at this,
casual, relaxed,

coming up to
the second to last corner.

Whoa!

CLARKSON : Into Gambon now,
and there we go,

and across the line.

COWELL: Not bad.

Well there it is.

Where do you reckon?

As long as I'm higher than
Hugh Grant.

Hugh Grant, 1.47.7.
Yeah. No, your faster
then that.

Well, just tell me.

Do you think you beat
Gordon Ramsay,
who was seriously quick.

-What did he do?
-He did a 1.46.3.

Close.

-You reckon close?
-Yeah.

You were actually very close.

Because you did it
in one minute,

forty

five

point nine.

See it there.

Jubilations for the day.

That's fantastic.

And Gordon Ramsay,
has just committed suicide.

Well, to be fair
to Gordon Ramsay,
he's fat.

So that's worth
at least two seconds.

-That is amazing.
-That was, actually.

You really do have
a knack for it.

The Stig said you have
definitely got a knack.

The cameramen said they've
never seen consistency
like it in the practise laps.

Well, the thing is, is that
you should never listen
to what you're being told,

because it's like trying
to ride a bicycle, you know?

If someone tells you
how to do it,

you start thinking
about too many things.

You've just got to
get yourself round.

But I'm genuinely thrilled.
I'm glad I came.

I'm very glad you came,
because I was getting bored
with having a Scot,

not only in number 10,
but also at the top
of our leaderboard.

-Ladies and gentlemen,
Simon Cowell!

COWELL: I'm so happy.
CLARKSON: Well done.

Wow! What a night!

The records are just tumbling.

First, the Caparo
blitzes the Koenigsegg
round the track,

now we've got
a new fastest lap, it's...

-Yeah, hello.
-My poppy's grown back!

-Yeah, you are such a clot.
-It's a miracle!

I am. And now,
it is time for one of
our epic races.

You know the sort of thing,

where a Bugatti
races across the Alps
against a truffle,

or a McLaren-Mercedes
races a powerboat to Oslo.

Oh, yes, and this one...
Isn't that big, to be honest.

But it is more relevant,
because it's a race
to find out

what is the quickest way
to cross a busy city.

Car, bicycle,
public transport, whatever.

We've chosen London.
Now we start
from here, Kew Bridge,

which is the most
westerly point
of the North Circular.

Which, if you live in Nepal,
or Coventry,

is a sort of ring road
around London.

And we then finish up
over here,
at London City Airport,

which is at the most
easterly point
of the North Circular.

So that is a race
right across the centre

of one of the most
congested cities
in the world.

Now, to make sure
that we aren't accused
of bias toward the car,

it will be driven by
the slowest man in the world.

A man with no known
sense of direction.

Him.

To make it even less fair,
the car they've given me
is not a Smart car,

or my Fiat Panda,
or anything sensible
like that. It's this.

The new Mercedes GL.

It's 17 feet long,
it's about six
and a half feet wide,

it weighs two and a half tons.

It is the Chelsea-ist
of all the Chelsea tractors.

And I shall attempt
to beat him on this.

It's a
Specialised Sirrus Limited.

A carbon fibre,
super-lightweight bicycle.

It's built on a five-piece
monocoque construction,
with a body geometry saddle.

It's got carbon fibre cranks,
air carbon fibre handlebars,
carbon fibre brake levers,

and it's even got its own
unique gel-based
suspension system,

so it can cope with
the bumps of London.

-It's £1,700.
-It is quite expensive, yes.

Anyway, this isn't just a race
between a car and a bike,

'cos we need to see how
public transport will fare,
so we need a third person.

Someone who's never been
on a train or a bus.

Someone who doesn't
know the misery.

Thankfully, on Top Gear,
we have just such a person.

Now, as we race across London
in the car and on the bike,

he will catch a bus
around the corner,

there he will get
an underground train
to Monument Station

and from there,
he will get on the
Docklands Light Railway,

which takes him
all the way to the airport.

-So, are we ready?
-Yes!

Ready?

-Let's go.
-Excellent.

Oh, hang on! Hang on!
There is a fourth way.

Oh, God.

-Don't tell me, a jet pack.
-No.

-Harrier jump jet?
-No.

-A plasma-powered horse.
-No.

No, I've got a boat.

Well, how are you
gonna get a boat
up Knightsbridge?

Well, I'm not.
The river, Thames, is just
behind those houses there,

it goes all the way
to the airport.

Like a blue motorway.

So, you are going to
row up the Thames,
doing one mile an hour.

Of course, I'm not gonna row.
It's got an engine.

All we know is this, Hammond.

-It's 8:32.
-Yes.

-On a Monday morning.
-HAMMOND: Yeah.

Peak rush hour.
I'd call the weather today...
Close.

-Humid.
-Sweaty.

-Yes.

So we have no...
Genuinely, we have no idea
who's going to win this.

-I am. I know full well...
-CLARKSON: You're not.

-You're not.
-I am!

-Are we ready?
-Yes.

-We're going to find out.
-HAMMOND: Yes.

Three, two...

-Hold on,
he's jumping the gun!
-Go, now!

-MAY: I'm going.
-Okay. No rush.

I'm gonna cream it.

-See you, Hammond.

That's the last time
you're in the lead!

What I've got is a gentle walk
to the river, on the boat,

through the city,
it's a lovely day.

See you, mate!

CLARKSON : Hammond
shot past the traffic
on Kew Bridge.

I honestly think
I can win this one.

CLARKSON: Captain Slow
was also full of hope.

MAY: This is a car.

This is a car programme.
I know you want
the car to win.

I want the car to win.
I shall not let you down.

I have a rough idea
where I'm going.

I know the river's
on my right... Is it on the...
No, it's on the right.

CLARKSON: Sadly, though,
both of them were going
to be disappointed.

Let's go!

Okay, what I've got here
is a £52,000
Cougar sport racing boat.

It's got a 3.5 litre
VTEC Honda engine on the back,
225 brake horsepower.

Top speed, 75 miles an hour.

Unfortunately, on this
part of the river,
sort of Chiswick,

there are many herons
and otters,

so I'm limited to
nine miles an hour-ish.

The speed limit
is enforced all the way
to Wandsworth Bridge,

but from there, the Thames
has no speed limit at all.

CHILDREN: Bye-bye!
Good luck on the bus!

Bye!

CLARKSON: Meanwhile,
The Stig saw
a huge red car approaching.

And he got on it,

using something
called an Oyster Card,

which is useful
if you have no
understanding of money.

I'm in a bus lane,
which is good,
I can use them.

However, the other thing
that uses them...
Buses.

HAMMOND: The Monday morning
rush hour was slowing James.

But I couldn't open up
the big lead I'd hoped for,
for one simple reason.

I've got to wait
at the lights,
I'm on telly.

Obviously, I always
wait at the lights.

Hello. Oh!

MAY: With the car
pottering along nicely,

I decided to see
if Hammond was
as comfortable as me.

Hammond?

HAMMOND: Hello?
MAY: Hammond?

Now, here's one
of the big problems
that you have on the river,

which is the rowers,

who reserve a special
kind of hatred for people
with engines on their boats.

They are the cyclists
of the waterway,
the Hammonds.

Do you want a lift?

See, she hates me.

Change, change, change,
I'm bloody cycling,
it's hard work!

WOMAN: You can't go fast
because you've got bandy legs.

I can't go faster!
I haven't got bandy legs!

CLARKSON: It was time
for The Stig
to get out of the big red car.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please keep your belongings
with you at all times.

CLARKSON: Since
I was stuck at nine,
and almost certainly last,

I decided to revive
the ancient art of using
a telephone while driving.

-James!
-Hello, Captain Clarkson.

-Where are you?
-Hammers...

Yeah, Hammersmith Broadway.

No way.

Where's Hammond?

I don't know.
I tried to ring him,

but it sounded like his face
was rubbing along the road,
so he may have had it already.

You realise, James,
I have to beat you,

but I want you
to win with that car.
Don't get lost.

MAY: To make sure
I didn't get lost,
I was using the sat nav.

-AUTOMATED VOICE:
Keep left, now keep right.
-I know. Yes, I know.

I'm keeping right.
I knew that.
I was already keeping right.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please keep left in 100 yards.

Exactly, you go
down there towards...

-HAMMOND:
My phone's going. Hello?

Hammond?
How's it going, mate?

-Oh, no!

No!

Oh, that was the sound
of a skull under
a bus's Pirelli, that.

Right, time to ring The Stig.

See how he's getting on.

CLARKSON: We'd
given him a phone, but...

-Uh...

After 25 minutes,
this is how things stood.

Hammond was alive,
and in the lead.

May was breathing down
his neck in second,

The Stig was third,
and I was going
in the wrong direction,

on one of the river's endless
and annoying meanders.

I have to make
every mile an hour count

because my average speed
is so low.

Don't pull out,
don't pull out,
don't pull out!

I hate buses.

Stinking, horrible things.

Go. Bit of
Christian motoring there,
that man wanted to pull out.

Let him pull out.
What comes around goes around.

He who is last shall be first.

Oi! Chuffing...

Bus-driving, bullying Nazi!

Why don't you just wait
and give your passengers
a better ride?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
The next station
is Stamford Brook.

CLARKSON: The Stig,
now in an underground car,

has noticed that everyone
was doing the same thing.

This has to be the most

stress-free and relaxing
Monday morning
rush hour commute

since the dawn
of civilisation.

HAMMOND: Oh, not another set
of sodding lights!

-Oh, bloody hell!

Have a nice walk.
Enjoy yourselves!

I knew May
was getting stuck
at the lights too,

but getting up to speed again
didn't wear him out.

Not that he could ever
get up to any sort of speed
in the first place.

Now, I'd never
try to ban people
from having cars like this,

because that would be
like Communism, really.

But I really don't understand
why anybody would have
something like this

for driving around town,

because it's so big
and unnecessary.

It's more than six feet wide,
it's almost six
and a half feet wide,

and that's what
makes a difference.

That door is half the width
of that whole scooter.

CLARKSON: Meanwhile, The Stig
was plainly bemused
by a strange new world.

No! No!
You filthy, foul-stinking...

-Hello?
-MAY: Hammond?

Oh, you stinking,
evil

...foul-reeking,
hell-making...

MAY: Hammond
stopped swearing long enough
to answer the phone.

-Hello?
-HAMMOND: Hello. Yes, what?

MAY: I'm just coming up
to the first Albert Hall.
I wondered how you were doing.

You're just behind me.
I'm stuck at the lights again.

Ooh, right. Well,
I'll give you
a friendly peep as I go past.

I'll kick the crap
out of your car if you do!

CLARKSON: Thirty five minutes
into the race and Richard
was still in the lead.

James was still on his tail,

The Stig was still
in a tunnel,

and I was still
following a path
forged by nature at nine.

But I wasn't worried at all.

Hammond, by now,
will just be bathed in sweat.

Hideous, smelly.
People will vomit
when they go near him.

James, of course, he'll end up
in Huddersfield perhaps,

Pontefract, who knows?
Not the City Airport.

Er... Stig, don't know,
might think
he's a Brazilian electrician.

And then me,
having a lovely time,
and I'm going to win.

HAMMOND: I was now
scything down Piccadilly,

and joy of joys,
the traffic was horrible.

MAY: As it turned out,
jams were the least
of my problems.

Oh, crikey, it's the rozzers!

The police only wanted
to check the permit
for our camera car,

but it still cost me
valuable time.

So, on the basis
that stopping here,

I've lost about
three or four minutes
in the race,

and that sort of
corrupts the result,

can we just do
four minutes of blues and twos
and I'll follow you?

What I can do is
I can give you a 50/90
to say that I've stopped you,

and then you can
submit that to your superiors

-as a record of me
stopping you.
-MAY: What?

HAMMOND: I was
pulling further ahead.

Trafalgar Square, left.
Right, this is where
I need to be.

Cycle lane, one,
two, three metres of it,

and then I'm back
under that bus!

MAY: With plod off my back,

I now had to pay
Ken Livingstone for permission
to sit in his jams.

-AUTOMATED VOICE:
I'm sorry.

That was an
incorrect selection.

Hello. I need to pay
the congestion charge
for London.

WOMAN:
Okay. Can I have your
vehicle number plate?

Uh... I don't know.

Um...

MAY: Fifty six,
hotel, foxtrot, zulu.

WOMAN: And is that
a Mercedes GL 500
in silver?

-How did you know that?

It's actually a 5.5 litre,
but they call it a 500

-'cos they're a bit
embarrassed about it.
-WOMAN: Oh.

HAMMOND: With James
stuck in the traffic

around Piccadilly
and Trafalgar Square,

I had to
seize the moment and push.

There's the river.

That's 24 miles
an hour showing.
I've got to keep that up.

Head down,
I've got to just go.

-Hammond?
-Hello?

-Where are you?
-I'm on the river.

I've just got onto Embankment.
Where are you?

I'm just going past
Fulham Football Club.

HAMMOND: This was bad news.

Jeremy was now only
a minute or so
from Wandsworth Bridge,

where he could
put his foot down.

So although the car
was imprisoned by the traffic,

the boat was coming into play,

and Stig was closing in too.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Please mind the gap between
the train and the platform.

I've got 19 miles an hour
showing on the little
speedo here.

I've got to keep that up.

I feel sick.

CLARKSON: There we go,
Wandsworth Bridge!

Yes!

Okay, Hammond and May,
live with this!

That's the Embankment.
Where's May?

At this point,
Richard was just
eight miles from the airport.

I had 17 miles to cover,
but I was going
an awful lot faster.

The Stig was now
catching Hammond too,

and even worse news
for the one in shorts,
James had cleared the traffic.

Here we go!

Got to beat Jeremy
and cannot be beaten by James!

Battersea Power Station,
ladies and gentlemen,
to your right.

Coming up to Milbank now,
headquarters
of the Labour Party.

They won't like this
very much.

I don't like this car,
I have to be brutally honest.

It's not my kind
of thing, but...

A car is nevertheless
the right way to do this.

I've got it just set
to 20 degrees,

bit of Radio 3...

HAMMOND: Yeah, pull out
on me, why not?
That's what I'm there for!

CLARKSON: The Stig,
in a close second,

was now making
his final train change.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ladies and gentlemen,

please keep your belongings
with you at all times

and report
any unattended items
or suspicious behaviour

to a member of staff
or a police officer.

Hello, officers!

I just went past the police
at 45 miles an hour!

Annoyingly, I couldn't
fully open the taps,

because weirdly,
I had traffic problems.

Look at it,
just endless tourists!

Come on!

I've gotta get my speed up!

This train's ready
to King George V
via London City Airport.

Twenty, 25, 20, 18...

So frustrating!

Where is Jeremy on his boat?
Where, where, where?

Tower Bridge! Going through!

As the river widened,
I became the fastest-moving
man in all of London.

We're mucking on now.
Coming up to 50 miles an hour.

How can we lose now?
It simply is not possible.

Yeah! Yeah!

CLARKSON: At this stage,
James was last,

and The Stig was still
several stops away
from the airport,

so it was becoming
a two-horse race.

The bends in the river
had made my journey
seven miles longer,

but I was now doing
a whopping 70 miles an hour!

Hammond was probably feeling
quite good about his chances.

Well, I'm sorry, mate,
but they're gone now.
Thank God!

Bloody lights!

Bloody lights!

I hate them!

London VTS, London VTS,

this is red Cougar requesting
permission to go through
the barrier at speed.

MAN:
Roger, copied. Proceeding
through the barrier.

Take Charlie's fan
in-between the green arrows.

Sorry!

Somewhere around here
there's an airport,

and I've gotta go
report at it.

HAMMOND:
City Airport, there it is!

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

I'm here, I've arrived.

Coming through!

Unfortunately,
a gentleman on a bike
has checked in already.

-What?
-A gentleman on a bike
has checked in already.

-Hammond?
-Yes.

I'm only better than you!

-How the hell did you do that?
-It's easier on a push bike.

-You don't get stuck...
-You've ruined Top Gear.

-Well...
-It's the last ever show.

I've bent it a bit.

Hang on now, what
you're saying is
I've ruined Top Gear...

-Yes. Yes.
-...because I won
on a bicycle?

You came second in a boat.

-Between us, we've ruined...

We've ruined Top Gear.

CLARKSON: We sat down
to see if Top Gear
could be salvaged.

Just so long as the car
beats public transport.

What if the car
that we've got...
That's a very good point.

What if the car
loses to public...

We need for public transport
to come stone dead last.

-We soon got an answer.
-HAMMOND: Here comes...

-Oh, no!
-CLARKSON: Did you
go on a Tube?

Underground?
Did it go dark,
flashing lights?

-Did you go on a train?
-Were there other people?

What he's just done is
he's gone slower
than a boat and a bicycle.

-That'll just be going...

-Inside, there's all numbers.

There'll be a bit of smoke
come out the top
in a minute, keep watching.

CLARKSON: Fifteen minutes
after The Stig, James arrived.

-Thank you, James.
-What have you done?

-The car, as an entity...
-HAMMOND: Ruined.

...lies smashed and broken
in front of us because of you.

He beat you
on public transport.

We're ruined.

Can I clear something up?
It's just confusing me here
because you lost about, what?

-Four minutes with that
policeman business...
-MAY: Mmm-hmm.

But watching the film,
you get the impression

that the car arrived
15 minutes
after everyone else.

Now, if I remember rightly,
when I got there,

-James, you were already there
and had been for ages.
-CLARKSON: He was!

And do you know
something else, as well?

I distinctly remember
my boat blew up

-and I was killed!
-HAMMOND: Yes, yes.

-You don't get that sense
watching the film.
-Doesn't come through.

I'm glad you said that,
because I'm sure I remember
cruising straight past Hammond

with his head
stuck in some railings.

That happened.
That did happen.

And actually,
do you know what?

London doesn't have a river,
so I couldn't have
used a boat.

So, there we are.
What Top Gear,

which is a trusted,
award-winning,
factual programme, has proved,

is that despite what
you've just seen in that
stupid and misleading film,

-the car was the fastest.
-And the best.

-Yes.
-CLARKSON: And the best.

And as a result of that,
we will back with more facts.

See you then. Good night!