Top Gear (2002–…): Season 10, Episode 7 - £1,200 British Leyland Cheap-Car Challenge - full transcript

Tonight, in a well-balanced show,
James gets egg on his face,

Richard runs himself over,

and I power-slide
the new Aston Martin DBS.

- (Applause)
- Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Hello. Hello and welcome to the show.

Meanwhile,
next year sees the 40th anniversary

of the formation of British Leyland,

and we thought it would be a brilliant idea
to celebrate this automotive milestone,

but unfortunately the producers of Top Gear
said there was nothing to celebrate,



because BL was a miserable disaster
and everything they ever made was rubbish.

And we said, well, yes, sure,
the cars weren't terribly well built,

and quite a lot of bits fell off,

but even so, we insisted
that some of the designs were quite clever.

There was a really big argument,

which ended up with the people in the office
saying to us,

"If you think BL made a decent car,
you go out and buy one."

They gave us each L1,200
of our own money...

- (Laughter)
...and then set us a number of challenges.

We were told to meet up
at the Warwick Services on the M40,

and Jeremy was first to arrive.

This is what I've bought.

It's a Rover SD1 styled to look like
a Ferrari Daytona and it does.

This particular model
has the 3.5 liter V8 engine,



and inside you will find...
plum-colored vulgalour upholstery.

It's got a stereo/radio cassette
that doesn't work,

it's got cruise control... that doesn't work,

an electric sunshine roof that...
doesn't work,

er... but, as a result of these
small niggly little faults,

I was able to get this bucket of magnificence
for just 1,100 of my pounds.

The next contender arrived.

Wait, there's a car arriving here
with no one behind the wheel.

It must be Hammond
and it's a Dolly Sprint!

- What d'you think?
- Yeah, look at that!

First ever production car to have 16 valves,
four per cylinder.

Wow!

And the first British saloon car
to have alloy wheels as standard.

- Wow!
- It's up there.

Now, I seem to recall... Very sporty.

- But, hang on, real wood.
- I know.

The only thing is, they forgot to sand it.
You'll get splinters off it.

It's made out of floorboards -
it's unbelievable!

How much did you pay
of your own money?

1,250ish.

- So, you've gone over.
- It's a classic.

It's desirable, people want these things.

I talked Richard
through the Rover's little foibles.

A little known fact about the Rover SD1
is that it was longer on one side,

because it wasn't very well made,
than it was on the other.

Engine, good.
Gearbox, good. Clutch, good.

- These had central locking, electric windows.
- Mm-hm.

- Didn't people used to get trapped and killed?
- Yeah.

Your Dolly Sprint
was the hot hatchback of its day.

- Very much so.
- So, what's May got?

- Morning.
- And he's brought a piece of cheese.

(Laughs)

- You brought a Princess, James.
- I have.

We're trying to prove British Leyland
occasionally made good cars.

- You're not helping our case.
- Most interesting car they ever made.

And most radical and most modern.

Oh, look at the brown interior! Ooh!

Brown, brown, brown.

It's brown and browner.

Brown was a '70s color. This is a 1978 car.
It's very interesting, it's in good condition...

Why is it interesting?

This was the first car in the world to obscure
its wiper spindles under the bonnet.

Obscured windscreen wiper spindles -
there's a reason to own one.

At the time it was important.

What's the suspension in this?

Hydragas. Very, very...

- It's very low.
- No, that's how it should be.

It's very low on that side and very high.

- It's actually broken, James.
- It's leaked.

This car, the Dolly Sprint,
was driven in the Professionals.

This featured in the video of Don't You Want Me
Baby by the Human League.

This was driven by Terry Scott
in Terry And June.

- I know.
- Enough said.

Now, at this point,
we'd normally receive our challenge,

but spitefully, the production team said
we had to drive 40 miles to go and get it.

40 miles? No problem at all.

To horse.

Come on!

Yeah!

Oh, God!

(Engine won't start)

Erm...

The key won't turn in my ignition.

Mine doesn't start at all.

Hang on, James.

Which slovenly Midlander built this?

The steering lock's gone on.

God!

I like it here.

- It's a shame to move from this glorious spot.
- It's a lovely morning.

I'm just letting my engine breathe,
get some air.

(Richard) Eventually the Rover
screeched into life.

(Fan belt squealing)

I got my Dolly going as well,
and we were on our way.

Now, for our younger viewers,

we should explain why the Top Gear office
thinks the three of us have lost our marbles.

You see,
some BL cars were quite badly built...

...but most weren't built at all.

This is because the workforce
spent most of its time outside on strike.

But still, we say that despite all this,
some good cars did sneak through the net,

and we were going to prove it.

I was full of hope, right up to the end
of the slip road leaving Warwick Services.

My throttle's broken.
My throttle's broken.

Oh, God.

Hammond's in trouble already.

I got a hundred yards and it's broken.

I can't make the...
The throttle doesn't work.

In the lopsided Princess,
James was unaware of my demise.

I think British cars of the 1970s were good.

We had this, we had Jeremy's Rover,
great car.

The Dolomite Sprint that Hammond's got,
great car.

They've given us these little cameras
to film our various calamities.

We were expecting car problems
and we've got them,

but there's another one here -
Jeremy's finger.

I was just seeing what was in here.

Has anyone got any butter?

With some AA wire and some AA Lurpak,
Jeremy and I were soon on our way.

Yeah!

And quickly we caught up with James,

so we could reflect
on the brilliance of our cars.

Some great details on this thing,
like the seat belt warning light,

which flashes if you sit in the seat
but don't put the seat belt on.

That sounds perfectly everyday now,
but back then, that was radical,

and annoying,
because seat belts weren't compulsory.

It's almost as though this car
was designed by futurologists.

I mean, this little slot down here
is the exact size of a mobile phone.

Tomorrow's World never even saw the
mobile phone coming and yet Rover did.

And here, look, the door mirrors
are operated by this switch, OK?

Now, the people who put that switch there
knew it would break,

so they put manual controls in as well.

Here comes Hammond,
he's coming through.

Yeah!

(Laughs)
The noise it's making is Biblical!

I shall now engage my fully-functioning
overdrive by pressing this button.

Nothing's happened.

To get our first challenge, we'd been told
to go to the old Morris factory in 0xford.

Unfortunately, when we got there,
we found the plant now belongs to BMW...

...who told us to go away.

So we were sent instead
to the old Triumph factory in Canley,

but when we got there, we discovered
it had been turned into a hotel.

The only evidence of its existence
was a few forlorn road names.

So, we were told to go to
the old Austin factory in Longbridge.

Sadly, though, it had gone.

There's nothing...
There's nothing left.

I'd heard the Chinese had bought Longbridge.
I didn't know they bought all of it.

Everything.

How's your car holding up?

I've got some odd squeaks and rattles.

I could actually make a fairly good drum solo
out of various bits of trim in my car.

We decided to compare noises.

(Banging, rattling and squeaking)

And before you knew it...

(Banging, squeaking and rattling)

A requiem to Longbridge
from the Top Gear British Leyland Trio.

That's got a certain something.

It was time to move on.

(Laughs)

You opened the door wide.

I opened the door... The door's still there!

(All laugh)

- It's come back to Longbridge.
- It's on strike.

Finally, I got past my stable door
and we were off.

Well... one of us was.

(Engines turn but don't start)

(Applause)

That did happen, that.

Yes, but that door, how it got stuck,
I have no idea.

I've opened one door,
now I'll open another.

Meanwhile, we did eventually
get our cars started

and we made our way to where they set us
some challenges. More of that later on.

But now it's time to do the news and...
Oh, God, there's a lot to get through.

We've got the Ferrari 430 Scuderia.

I've driven this now.
It's absolutely fantastic.

Unfortunately, we won't be able to show it
to you because some idiot's crashed it.

Supposed to be filming it later this week,
but that's not gonna happen.

Nissan, this is the GTR - this is gonna be
the most exciting car of 2008.

We've just heard this week it goes round...

- Is it the Nurburgring?
- It is.

It goes round the Nurburgring
quicker than a 911 Turbo.

- Wow!
- Can't wait for that.

Then of course, we've got the battle between
the Subaru Impreza, the new one,

and the Mitsubishi Evo 10.

So much good stuff!

- Hammond, what have you got?
- News from Korea.

The Kia Picanto,
it's got a new front bumper.

- Look at that.
- Wow!

Is that it?

- Yeah, just the bumper.
- Anything else?

Well, more news from Korea, actually.
You know the Hyundai Coupé?

- Yes.
- Well, there's a new one coming.

Look. That looks brilliant.

The trouble with the Hyundai Coupé
is that it always looks quite good

it's quite nice to drive and it's front-wheel drive
and a bit sort of half-arsed, I always think.

Well, this time they're talking about
putting a V8 in the front of that.

As it is, there's a V6, 300 brake horsepower,
it's a light engine,

or you can have a four-pot turbo.

- It is rear-wheel drive this time.
- It's rear drive?

Yeah, and limited slip diff.
They're looking to take on the Mustang with it.

Even I like that.

- They'll be delighted.
- No, I do.

So, what news have you got, James?

Well, actually,
I've got some news from Korea.

You can't tell, can you, that Top Gear's
just been sold in Korea?

(Laughter)

I think we're smoothing this one out nicely.

It's not showing.

- Hello, you industrious little fellows.
- (Laughter)

That's got 'em on-side, well done.

From Korea, you know the Kia Cee'd?

- Yes, what about it?
- Cee'd.

Well, it's the fourth best car of the year.

Fourth best?

It's the fourth best car of the year.

That's not even a podium finish, is it?

What beat it?

- The Fiat 500 was the winner.
- Mm-hm.

Third place was the Ford Mondeo.

And then fourth place, the Cee'd.

Then in fifth place was the Nissan...
Cuscus?

Squishsquash.

Where's the Audi R8?

It's not here.

Who here... would have a Nissan Kumquat
in front of an R8?

It's a survey.

(Laughter)

That's 0% of British people
would do that.

What idiots have come up with that?

Well, you see, it's the Car of the Year jury.

It's senior people from 22 countries,

and they have a sort of pathological hatred
of any car that's expensive.

They're just communists.

The interesting thing is, you see,

a couple of weeks ago, remember I drove
that Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead?

- Mm-hm.
- I dunno,

- I thought that was better than the Fiat.
- (Laughter)

- I think it could be, yeah.
- More news.

You know the Hyundai Sonata?

- Oh, Hyundai.
- Korean car.

- Mm.
- New front bumper, here it is.

New headlamps, new dashboard,
new radiator grille

- and I wouldn't have one.
- Me neither.

Honestly, things I'd rather do
than drive one of those include

presenting next week's show
while gently cupping James' scrotum.

(Laughter)

And we're... We're off the air in Korea.

Goodbye, industrious little fellows. Erm...

Oh, give me a minute, I'm gonna have trouble
shifting that vision now.

- (Laughter)
- You're gonna have trouble?

We've also been sold, you'll like this,
we've been sold in Australia.

We have, so we should probably talk
about Australian cars.

- Is there an Australian here?
- (Man) Yeah!

- Yeah.
- We're now yours.

Yeah, you've bought us.

And so
we must talk about an Australian car.

(Richard) Yeah, er, yeah.

The XR8, that's Australian.

It isn't. It's got an American engine
and it was engineered by a Scotch.

- You're right.
- So, what else is there?

- Erm...
- There's...

- (Laughter)
- Erm...

Wasn't? No.

What Australian cars are there?

- Falcon!
- That's a Ford, you blithering idiot,

- that's American.
- (Laughter)

What did you say - you're no good at rugby
and we've beaten you twice?

(Laughter)

(Applause)

That's what I heard.

Yeah.

I think...

...we'll move on.

Now, have you ever wanted
to buy a sports car that's got a diesel engine,

top speed of 150 miles an hour,

that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car,
and is also a four-seater convertible?

- (Both) No.
- Neither have I,

but Audi's made one anyway.
Here it is.

(Richard) What do you do with it?

- (Laughter)
- I've no idea.

It's called the Cross Cabriolet.
Not as cross as the owner will be

when he buys it and discovers
he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.

(Laughter)

But, the thing is,
it's only a concept at the moment.

The trouble is, Audi have a habit
of putting their concepts into production,

but really, just no with that one.

You know the Morgan Aero 8, which was
the first car ever made with cross eyes?

We've got a picture of it here.

There you are. I called it Clarence
from the old Daktari programs.

Anyway, Morgan has now fixed
the sort of squint.

The problem is, that they've decided
that while they were at it,

they would make a coupé version of the Aero 8
and it's called the Aero Max.

We've got a picture of that.

Now, I'm sorry,
d'you know how much that is?

L110,000.

You would have to be so mad
to buy one of those,

that you wouldn't be able to have
a driving license.

You know who's ordered one, don't you?

Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder? Who?

(Laughter)

- Who?
- Him.

Yes, I have.

- Thanks for that.
- You've ordered one of those?

- Yes, I have.
- Why?

Because it's brilliant.

It's like saying "Well, you know,
I've had marriage proposals this week

"from Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman
and Angelina Jolie,

"but I've decided
I'm gonna marry John McCririck."

(Laughter)

Very funny and everything,
but you're wrong.

That is the last
of the proper British sports cars.

- It's got a German engine.
- Yes, but the rest of it...

- And it looks like an insect.
- You drive a Spyder.

- Technically, a spider isn't an insect.
- Oh, shut up, James.

(Laughter)

You've got a Panda, you know nothing.

- Can I say something here?
- What?

- I'm with Hammond.
- What, you like that?

- I think it's terrific.
- When you said "I'm with Hammond"

- I thought you meant we were going out.
- (Laughter)

I would like to apologise to the nation
and to the world, what's left of it,

erm, what's left that's watching,
for the level of blind idiocy this week,

and now I'm going to move it on.

It's time for me to try
a new Aston Martin out on our track.

There are two reasons I want to do that -

one, it's a new Aston Martin,

and two, I couldn't work out what it's for.

It's called the DBS
and Aston Martin are very adamant

that it's an all-new six liter, hard-driving
lightweight thoroughbred.

I'm not sure about that. To my mind,
a thoroughbred car is Italian and flamboyant

and it has its engine in the middle
and it goes wrong all the time.

This is... none of those things.

Yes, it has four nostrils in the bonnet,

carbon fiber buttocks
and carbon ceramic brakes.

But the engine's at the front,
there's lots of storage space in the cabin,

and it has a boot you can actually use.

It therefore isn't laid out like a thoroughbred,
but who knows, maybe it'll drive like one.

OK, I'm gonna tell the adaptive suspension
that I'm on a track. There we are.

And here we go.

I like the steering.

I do like that and I like the brakes.

And I have to say, I'm also pretty fond
of the tweaked differential they've put in,

which means you can do this.

Yeah, look at that!

I must say, the tires, which are specially
made just for this car, by Pirelli, are brilliant.

Very good, excellent.

Wey-hey!

It makes the right noises as well.

But, you don't get that same sense of terror

that you get from a proper thoroughbred,
like, say a Ferrari.

None of that sense of
"Oh, my God, I've wet myself!"

There's something else as well.

Hard, really, to put my finger on,
but it feels...

Dunno, it just feels a little bit...

...old-fashioned.

Maybe old-fashioned is unkind.
Maybe old school would be better,

but either way, it's not a thoroughbred.

Perhaps then, it's a work of art.

There's no denying that it's
bite-the-back-of-your-hand beautiful.

But is it better looking than a DB9?

Well, apart from the racing paraphernalia
on the DBS,

they look pretty much the same to me.

Keira Knightley...

Keira Knightley in Puff Diddly's jewelry.

And it's all very well them saying
the DBS is carbon fiber,

it's only ten stone lighter than the DB9,

and that's what,
the weight of a medium sized... woman.

So, it's not a thoroughbred supercar
and it's not as good-looking as its sister.

Maybe then, we should view it
as a replacement for the old Vanquish S.

The trouble with doing that though,

is that the DBS's V12 produces
510 brake horsepower,

and that's ten less than you got
from the Vanquish's V12.

(Engines revving)

(Tires squealing)

As a result, the Vanquish will do 200 mph.

This is out of puff at 191.
Come on!

There are other problems too.

The interior is all marvelous -

an amazing blend of carbon fiber, suede,

and lots of exciting buttons
you can't see or reach.

I especially love the gear lever
which is like a Power Ranger's leg.

And then they go and let the whole thing down
with this stupid key.

They call it, and I'm not joking,
an emotional control unit.

Got one of those already.

It's called a government
and I don't like that either.

This car then, is shaping up
to be a bit of a misfit.

But don't worry, because
there's one thing it does brilliantly.

Put it back in road mode and it becomes
a stunning long-distance cruiser -

an epic grand tourer.

I'd be happy to drive this
all the way to the south of France,

and I'd be happy if I got there and found
I'd forgotten my swimming trunks,

because then I could drive it all
the way back again.

When you're on a motorway,
it's smooth and civilized. Quiet as well.

It is magnificent.

But even here, there's a problem.

Because if you want a good-looking
and fast long-distance cruiser,

what exactly is the matter with the DB9?

It's easier to use, has the same engine,
has two more seats,

and it costs L50,000 less.

(Applause)

Yeah, but it's no good then?

Oh, no, this is the best car I've driven all year
and by a huge margin.

Hang on, you just said it's not at quick
as a Vanquish,

and it's not as pretty as a DB9.

And it's L50,000 more.

Yeah, the thing is, Aston Martin messed up.

When they said it's a thoroughbred,
it's an all-new car, it isn't.

That's what threw me. It's taken me ages
to work it out but what this is,

is a DB9 where every little piece
is a little bit better.

I tell you what, this is the way to think of it -

don't think of it as a DBS,
think of it as a DB9S,

like a DB9 Evo, and then it makes sense.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- L50,000?
- I agree,

the price is a bit steep.
It's perilously close to the Ferrari 599,

but honestly, you cannot buy a DB9 any more,
you just can't do it,

because one day,
you will be sitting at a set of lights,

someone will pull up alongside
in one of these,

and you will feel hopeless and inadequate
and you will have to kill yourself.

(Laughter)

Anyway, it is now time to see how fast
this goes round our track,

and that of course means handing it over
to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he knows two facts
about ducks and both of them are wrong.

(Laughter)

And, that 61 years ago,

he accidentally introduced her majesty
the Queen to a Greek racialist.

(Laughter)

All we know is, I'm going to the Tower now
to have my head cut off,

erm, and he is called The Stig.

And he's off,
with a wheel spin and a V12 bellow.

Thundering down to the first corner.

It's wet out there today.
Let's see how that affects things.

Carving a pretty steady path through there,
no problems so far.

Brilliantl

(Man) What is my purpose?
What would I want to accomplish?

What values do I want to live by?

(Jeremy) Staying on his self-help odyssey
there as he kicks the tail out.

Whoa, really kicking the tail outl

In every way, this car's better than the DB9
including those superb new tires.

They might be struggling with the damp,
mind you.

Looking pretty planted round Hammerhead
and then, whoa, look at thatl

(Man) What wall do I want
to put my ladder of life against?

(Jeremy) Keeping it pinned open through
the Follow-through. Does he lift-off?

Yes, then back on the loud pedal.
Down now to the last two corners.

Magnificent brakes, better diff,
all doing their stuff.

A normal DB9 would be nowhere now.

Here he comes, slices through Gambon
and across the line.

- (Applause)
- Yeah!

Now...

Now, it did it on a wet track
in one minute 27.4,

which is sort of here,
in the middle of nowhere.

Thing is though, the track dried out
just before we came on air,

so I said to Tthe Stig "Quickly go out,
do it again, get a time.

"Let's see how good this thing really is."

One minute, 23.9.

It's up here, it's with Koenigseggs
and the Zonda.

It's the same time as the Zonda.

I mean, that is just staggering. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, earlier on, the three of us
each spent L1,200 of our own money,

on three BL cars,

in a bid to show that the old British
warhorse did occasionally get something right.

Yes, and the producers of the show

were keen to demonstrate
that they never got anything right at all,

so they came up
with a series of challenges.

Yeah, and for every one we passed,

we'd win money back
towards the cost of the car.

Yes, so full of enthusiasm,
we were sent to the MIRA Test Track -

top secret place - it's where the motor industry
tests all its secret new models.

It's just outside Nuneaton, on the A5,
between Hinckley and Atherstone...

...just before the A444.

If you get to Fenny Drayton,
you've gone too far, you need to back up.

(Laughter)

This is it, an automotive torture chamber.

An endless series of twists,
bumps and corners,

designed to find weaknesses in cars.

We would begin with timed laps
on the handling circuit.

And to spice things up, we'd have to beat
a time set by The Stig in a Datsun 120Y.

This was the little Japanese car
that showed our dads

they didn't have to have a flaky Austin 1100
that broke down all the time.

1,171cc four-cylinder engine.

- How many BHP is it?
- 69.

- Wow!
- 69 horsepowers!

Every single cold morning,
Britain echoed to the sound of "eh-eh-eh"

as nobody's car started,
then along came that,

which showed the world
cars could be reliable.

- Yes, but reliability is so tedious.
- It's boring.

Here he comes now.
He's coming up to the triple right here.

Ooh, he's locked up, terrible brakes.

- And across the line in?
- One minute eleven.

- One minute eleven seconds?
- Yes.

With nearly twice the horsepower
of the Datsun,

naught to sixty in 8.7 seconds
and double wishbone suspension,

I would destroy the Datsun's time.

Go.

My washing machine
moves around the kitchen faster than that.

(Richard) Come on, little fella.

Richard, it's for you, it's for Triumph,
it's for British Leyland, it's for Britain!

- Hairpin, hairpin.
- Here we go.

This is where the sophisticated suspension
will help him.

Will not help help him.

Smooth!

That's the slowest I've ever seen a car move.

0n the plus side, the cornering
did give my electrics a good shake.

(Radio static)

Every now and again,
the radio comes on.

That's my radio.

0ne minute eleven to beat.

Yeah! I think we did well.

Jesus!

- (Laughs) Yeah, fifty-eight seconds.
- Yeah, yeah, brilliant.

If you're watching this in Japan, there you go,
you see, you're not so clever. Eh-heh!

- What was it really?
- One sixteen.

Oh, God.

(Claps) Nice one.

- Well done.
- Yeah!

- Well done. Excellent.
- It felt good.

Now, let's see if we can give the Datsun
another thrashing,

with some Rover V8 muscle.

No need to worry about traction control -
doesn't have it.

Ohh, that was a wheel spin!

That's not fast.

3,500cc developing an astonishing
155 brake horsepower.

Oh, yes, feel the grip!

That wasn't a sophisticated car,
despite looking modern, was it?

Oh, not at all, no.
The suspension was from the 1950s.

- And it's not a sophisticated man driving it.
- Yes!

(Tires squealing)

Ohh, what was that?

- A lot of grass. A lot of grass.
- It was off-road.

It does sound good, though.
Well, no, it sounds terrible.

(JJerekmy) Crossing the line!

Unfortunately...

Got smoke.

...some oil had come out
and was sort of on fire, but no matter.

Ah!

(Richard) Your time.

Yes, my time.
One minute eleven for that.

Yes, and...

- What?
- One minute twelve. It was.

That's impossible.

Look, even with Ray Charles at the wheel,
you could get this round faster.

Well, you didn't.

So now, terrifyingly, the pride of a nation
rested with Terry Scott.

Beautiful smooth six-cylinder engine.

(Richard laughs) That is just a rubbish sight.

- It's automatic as well.
- (Both laugh)

The uneven suspension didn't help...

Bloody Nora!

...but that wasn't the biggest problem.

Cock, gone the wrong way.

What are you doing, man?

You idiot! You stupid long-haired idiot!

I don't think it will have affected the time
too badly.

It was never gonna be good, but...

OK.

- Oh, I dropped it.
- Oh, that's cos it was better.

(Jeremy) Are you gonna break it to him
or shall I?

- He must know.
- He must feel it.

He can't feel that went well.

- So?
- He feels it went well.

- What?
- I dropped the stopwatch.

- Yeah.
- So, what was it really?

Well, I dunno, I dropped it.

- 1:02?
- Not, not...

I think we all have to accept
that after the power challenge,

where we should have done well,
we haven't.

No.

So, we've made... How much money
have we got back then?

- Nothing.
- None at all.

So, never mind,
we'll move on to the next challenge.

Here it comes.

"As you can see, The Stig's Datsun
is now parked on a one in three hill."

Yes.

"It is being held, no problem at all,
by its handbrake.

"You will now park your cars there, put them
in neutral, apply the handbrake, get out.

"You get L100 if it stays where it is."

It's a simple test.

Yours is pointing in the right direction.
You go first.

(Richard) It is steeper than you think.
(Jeremy) It is very steep.

Actually, it is a bit steeper than it looks.

Right, stopped on the foot brake.

- Ooh, would you get out of that now?
- No.

His foot's still on the brakes, look.

I'm not sure.

What's he doing?

That's the quickest I've ever seen him move.

- How's that?
- You're there.

- L100.
- Thank you.

What a machine, the mighty Princess, yeah.
Genuinely pleased about that.

- Watch this.
- Yeah, I'm going to.

I was feeling confident about this test.

All I had to do
was get to the stopping point.

God, it is steep.

I've never seen that before.

Happily, the wheel spin generated so much
smoke, the car was hidden from view.

I therefore claimed I'd done it,
and then it was Hammond's turn.

- There he is, parked.
- Oh.

No, that's not working for me at all.

Er... (Grunts)

His foot's out, his arm's out.

OK.

Ah, that's not gone well.

- (Laughter)
- Sorry, that's gone badly wrong.

- (Laughter)
- It's gonna come... Oh!

- (Laughter)
- Sorry.

Having failed the test,
he's knocked down the sign

warning you how steep the hill is.

Still, every cloud and all that.

Good test of how fast it goes backwards
with the handbrake on.

So, we tested the performance
and the handbrakes

and now it was time
to look at ride comfort.

Thank you very much.

OK.

"New cars are tested on MIRA's rough road
at 20 mph.

"You will drive down it at 30 mph."

I may not excel at this one.

"Attached to the roof lining of your car
is a colander full of eggs."

"The more your car shakes about,
the more egg will end up in your hair.

"Each gram of egg left in the colander at
the end equals L10 paid into..." Who?

This is the well-known industry egg test.

Who thinks of this stuff?

There's no egg cap rating, is there,
for new cars?

Euro egg cap!

We also learned that we'd lose money for any
pieces of trim that were dislodged

by the savage cobbles
on MIRA 's rough road.

Oh, God, it's rough.

- Here he comes, here he comes!
- Yeah.

Ah, got egg in my eye.

Got egg on the wheel.

It's a warm day as well,
let's be honest.

Oh, and the glovebox has gone
and the radio panel.

Look at that suspension working.
How's he looking?

- Eggy.
- (Both laugh)

He looks like a spaniel
that's crashed into the back of a hen.

Ah!

What's happened to you?

I got covered in eggs.

Where's your colander?

Above my head.
Where the hell did you think it was?

Could've been worse.

Pretty much all of them.

How many were there? Five eggs.

There's a bit left in the bottom.

The only thing that slightly worries me
looking at you...

Is that one of my eyes is welded together
with egg?

- No.
- That doesn't worry be at all, no.

This is the most comfortable car here.

Yes, it is.

Which meant
that with my sports suspension,

I was likely to become a human omelet.

Right, we're off.

Accelerate up to 30 mph.

The glovebox has gone.

It honestly isn't looking as bad as your car.
It is now looking as bad as your car.

Not enjoying it at all.
It's gone down my neck. Oh!

Something just came off.

The bumper.
It's not going well.

Ow, please just break!

Oh, the sun visor's gone.

I was working out the other day
how many classics Led Zep... (Laughs)

I mean classics like Stairway.
Oh, dear.

It wasn't even worth
measuring the egg residue,

because I'd lost so much money
for bits falling off.

Door mirror, glovebox lid,
oh, and this funny thing.

That's three.

- And this.
- Four.

- And that.
- Five.

- Technically, that.
- Six.

I fired up the Rover.

(Fan belt squealing)

It does that.

- I have more on the front. Why's that?
- Mine was...

They could only mount it on... I have
to sit further forwards than you, cos I'm short.

That's what it is.

Oh-ho-ho, no!

Now, that looks pretty poor.

Coil springs absorbing all the bumps nicely.

There's a lot of weight on those springs.

Ooh!

That was the door.

Having fun?

Still, I'd only lost one thing.

Two things.

...sunbleached. What you need to do
is find a bit that's not been exposed.

British racing green was an official color.

No worries.

Except I desperately needed
to wash my hair.

Oh, get off, Jeremy, that's disgus... ting!

I don't know what's worse...

I've just wiped my hair on a seat
that's 30 years old,

and has had some Midlander's bottom on it.

So, I borrowed
MIRA 's wet weather skidpan.

Yeah, now, I'm drifting and washing my hair -
it's a world first.

You're drifting, I'm drifting off.

We'd tested speed, handbrakes
and ride comfort,

but there was one more thing.

I was told to weld my door back in place,

and report with the others
to the Top Gear test track,

in dry suits.

- Mine doesn't fit.
- Oh, stop moaning.

- It doesn't fit.
- Just pull it.

There you go.
Oh, it's like watching it give birth to a thing.

(Laughs)

We were given the challenge.

What?

"Your cars will now be filled to the brim
with water,

"and then you will drive round the track."

That explains it.

- How will you breathe?
- It doesn't say.

It says "When the water level drops below the
bottom of the steering wheel, you will stop.

"The person who covers the greatest distance
is the winner."

Yeah, the water will come out of all the panels
that don't fit properly,

so, the quicker the water comes out, the
less well made it is and the shorter distance.

There's a speed side of it as well.

If water's going to be gushing out and you've
got a really fast car, you'll go miles.

Actually, it's quite a thorough test,
because it tests performance,

and build quality for the water,
it's pretty thorough.

It does say you go first.

- Right.
- So, off you go.

- See you.
- Right-o.

You'll be the first person ever
to drive a car underwater.

- Were you making it up?
- Yes. (Laughs)

The cars would be filled by fire trucks,

and to make sure they didn't leak so badly
that they couldn't be brimmed with water,

the doors were sealed with gaffer tape.

You could've used warm water.

It's freezing.

Oh, there's 30-odd years worth of fag ends
and fluff coming up on top.

Look at it going up the window.
It's fantastic.

(Laughs) Oh, I can hear him.

Go, go, go!

The extra weight
did blunt the Dolly's performance.

- And he's leaving a big trail.
- That's a big trail of water.

Fortunately, because the water
came out so quickly,

I was soon able to pick up some speed.

One thing they said
is that the weight of the water is so immense,

that as you go round a corner, you could
slosh over to one side and roll over.

Imagine filling the insurance form in on that.

"Well, how did he drown?"

- This is gonna take more than that little...
- Little box.

Despite the Dolly's leakiness,
I made it past Hammerhead.

That's fallen out.

Whoo!

I better be honest, that's just dipped below
the steering wheel now.

He's stopped. He's stopped
just before the Follow-through.

More than half a lap.

Moe than half a lap.
D'you think you can beat that?

Let's see.

Here we go.

Oh, look at this.

One of the issues with the Austin Princess
we're able to determine now -

very badly fitted door handles.

It should've been called the Austin Colander.

Even so, it was filling quite well.

This is a great sport.

And I checked to make sure
James' snorkel was working.

(James wailing)

And go!

- Wow, look at the speed!
- (Laughter)

The other great thing is, James still
has no idea how to drive round this track -

he never does power tests.

Oh, he's doing it right, about at
the same speed Terry Wogan went round in.

Nevertheless,
James was doing brilliantly.

I'm gonna pass Hammond.

There it is, yes!

In fact, the Princess could hold its drink
so well, he did a full lap.

- He's not cheating, I can't believe it!
- He's still there!

And then he passed Hammond againl

Yes! Yes!

And I've just lost it.

- You've been lapped... by Captain Slow.
- Doesn't happen every day.

In an Austin Princess full of water.

- Right, bring on the Rover!
- Yeah!

The water thundered in...

This is quite cold now.

...and came straight out again.

We're having to use two hoses
because your Rover leaks so badly...

Rubbish!

I was only bothered
about my secret weapon.

Yeah, height adjustable.

- He's lowered it.
- Cheating...

Two hoses still weren't enough.

We're gonna have to put a third hosepipe
in to fill it.

Jeremy, it's not filling up.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

Eventually, we became bored
and the tankers became empty,

so we sent him on his way.

Go!

Yeah, feel the power.

It's looking good.

Oh!

(Both laugh)

The damn door's come off.

(Laughs)

- That's quite a big panel gap you've got there.
- That is quite a gap.

You lost that badly.

- You're last place, mate.
- In that test.

(Applause)

That...

That wasn't even the door
that you welded back on?

No, I'll tell you exactly what happened here.
This car, this Rover, has been lightly restored

by some previous owner,
who was probably an ape.

It's a good point, because my dad had three
of those and none of the doors ever fell off.

It's not Rover's fault,
they were built brilliantly.

In fact, I seem to remember at the time,

the SD1 was often praised
for the way its back doors stayed on.

Exactly. No, no,
it was one of the key features of the car.

Anyway, now,
we've gotta do some totting up.

We've got the chart over here,
I've got a pen.

Now, this is what we paid for the cars.

We were given L100 if we could get to
the top secret test track on the A5,

without any mechanical problems.

- I didn't do that.
- No, I didn't do that.

- I didn't do that.
- So, that's no pounds to us for that.

The power test against the Datsun.

- Nothing?
- No.

No, naught there coming back.

The handbrake test.

I didn't do that either.

No, it was a sad moment that,
it was no pounds back for you.

- I did.
- You did.

- That's L100.
- And you?

I did it as well.

(Laughter)

Well, we never saw you do it, but if you say
you did it, then, Jeremy, you did it.

- Absolutely, so that's L100 back to me.
- Yeah.

Er... The egg test. An important test.

Yeah, now I had four grams of egg left but
I lost two trim pieces, so that's... I'm L20 up.

- L20 up for James, well done.
- Well done.

I had four grams left and I lost two trim pieces,
one of them was quite large, I admit,

but nevertheless, L20 up.
Richard?

I had no egg left at all
and six trim pieces fell off, so...

...I'm L60 down.
- Yeah, you're minus 60.

- That's not going well for the Dolly.
- A let-down for BL, I'm sorry.

Now, the water test.

Yeah, now, this we got 20 pence
for every yard you covered.

- You did 1,500 yards, so...
- Yes.

- That's um...
- It's L300, you halfwit!

- (Laughter)
- It was right on the tip of my tongue.

300 for him.
Yes, L300 back, well done.

I did... I did 4,500 yards,
which I think you'll find is L900.

- Well done!
- L900!

That's better than going on The Weakest Link.
L900.

(Laughter)

- And you did ten yards, Jeremy.
- That's L2.

(Laughter)

- Every little helps.
- Put it on.

OK, so, let's tot it up,
let's see how we did.

OK, so, Richard, you are L1,010
out of pocket, that's minus.

I'm... L978 out of pocket.

- Well done.
- And James, you are...

...you're L20 in the black!
- Oh, brilliant!

James is the winner!

(Applause and cheering)

Thank you all.

Congratulations.

You...

You have proved...

You've proved
to the producers of the show,

you've proved to the nation,
and indeed the world,

that British Leyland did make a good car,
and here it is -

a beige Austin Princess
with a brown vinyl roof.

- Yeah!
- (Applause)

Yeah, Britain made a good car.

Yeah.

- Well done, James.
- Thank you.

There was only one.

- Just that one.
- They were rubbish.

And on that bombshell,
it is now time to end.

Thank you very much for watching.
Take care. Bye!