Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 7, Episode 16 - Jack Goes the Distance - full transcript

[Man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[Woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[Both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪



♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

[Announcer] Ball'
s out of bounds.

Lakers' ball, with
five seconds to go.

Foster takes the inbound pass,

dribbles down court.

He stops. Shoots. It's good!

He got it! [cheering]

[game buzzer goes off] [Announcer]
And the Lakers win by two!

[crowd] Woo!
[indistinct murmuring]

You know, basketball's
come a long way



since I used to play.

You used to play basketball?

Oh, yeah. I was whatcha
call your basic Super Jock.

Aren't you a little short
for basketball, Mr. Furley?

Well, maybe now.

But not when I was young.

I remember one game.

Score was tied.

Only three seconds
left on the clock.

So the coach calls the time-out,
tells the guys to get the ball to me.

[laughs]

We had a dumb coach
like that, too. One day...

I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Finish your story, Mr. Furley.

Anyway, the guys got the
ball to the old Dr. F., here.

And believe you me,
I put on quite a show.

Fake left. Fake right.

Then went up for my
slam dunk, right into the...

Hey, hey!

Sorry.

I'll getcha another one.

Stupid old man.

Hey! Take it easy!

What'd you say?
He said he was sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Jack.

I don't mind being
called stupid.

Aw, shut up.

See? There I go again.

I said shut up.

Hey. Why don't you just drop it?

He offered to buy
ya another beer.

You know somethin'?
You got a big mouth.

Well, you got a lousy
temper. Oh, yeah?

Whaddaya gonna do about it?

Whaddaya gonna do about it?

Are people still saying that?

I-I-I'm not lookin'
for any trouble.

Too late, pal. You
already found it.

[sighs] I think I
should warn you that

while I was in the
United States Navy

I did a fair share of boxing.

Oh! A boxer, huh?

You look more
like a poodle to me!

[guffawing]

A poodle. [laughs]

Okay. That does it.
Uh, Jack? Maybe...

Mike. Relax. I can
handle this. But...

Relax, Mike. I'm fine.

How'd you like to step outside
and settle this right now?

Well, I'd rather not.

I had a feeling you
were gonna say that.

We'll settle it at Rocco's Gym.

Fine. We'll settle it
at... Rocco's Gym?

Yeah, where I work out.

You and me, this Saturday.

Whaddaya say?

Fine! We'll meet you any time,

any place. Please, Mr. Furley...

I'm gonna rearrange your face.

Unless, of course, you don't
have the guts to show up.

You kiddin' me?

I'm lookin' forward to it.

Good. 'Cause I'm
gonna enjoy hurtin' you.

You don't scare us!

Your mother have any children?

Here ya go.

It's on the house.

Gotta hand it to ya. That
was a brave thing to do.

Ah, it was nothin'.

You call standin' up
to Biff Bower nothin'?

Biff Bower?

Yeah. He fought in
the Golden Gloves.

Big deal. Lots of guys do that.

Did he win any fights?

All of 'em.

Twenty-two knockouts.

Plus the championship.

Hey! That's great!

What's so great about it?

We got a shot at the title!

Oh my God.

[rhythmic knock on door]

Come in, Larry!

Hi. Is Jack home?

No, Larry. But you
can sit down and wait.

Ah, thanks!

♪♪ [scat]

Da-da-da... Hey, I
hope I'm not interrupting.

Nah. This was
dull reading. Yeah.

We'd much rather talk to you.

That makes sense.

So. How come you girls missed
happy hour at the Beagle last night?

Oh, Larry. We don't like to go
down there on Thursday nights.

Oh, yeah. It is a
much younger crowd.

Larry. There you are.

Come here. I gotta talk to ya.

Excuse me, girls.

Go ahead, pal. What is it?

Uh, could you excuse
us? This is man talk.

Man talk? What're ya
gonna talk about? Shaving?

Come on, Terri. This
is Jack's home, too.

He does have a right to
his privacy. Oh, all right.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome, Jack.

Listen, Larry.
I'm in big trouble.

I got into an
argument with this guy

at the Regal Beagle, and
it turns out he's a real killer.

You're kidding. No, I'm not!

And now I gotta fight him!

You're gonna what?

What happened to
my right to privacy?

Stupid people don't
have any rights, Jack.

And that's just what you
are, if you go fight this...

Biff Bower.

Biff Bower?

You've heard of him?

Heard of him?

He sends us half our
patients at the hospital.

Did you hear that, Larry?

What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't panic, huh?

You boxed in the Navy, right?

Didn't you tell me, after 10
fights, you had a perfect record?

I did. I lost every fight.

Jack, you have
every right to panic.

Larry, you are not helping.

Right. Right.

Okay, look. I'm
your best friend.

And I'm gonna help you.

You're gonna fight Biff?

Bite your tongue, woman!

I'm gonna do something
more important than that.

I'm gonna help train him.

You are not gonna
train anybody, Larry.

And you aren't
gonna fight anybody.

I have to, Janet.
If I don't fight,

I'll never be able to show
my face at the Beagle again.

Well, at least you'll
still have a face!

She's right, Jack.

I've seen guys who've
been in fights. It's awful.

Their noses puffed out to here,

and their ears
swollen out to there,

and they all wind up
looking like Dumbo.

Ever occur to you
that I might win?

Those were the winners.

I don't care. It's better
than being a coward.

Jack! Nobody's gonna
think you're a coward

just 'cause you
don't wanna fight.

Right, Larry?

Uhh... No, no,
no. Definitely not.

Jack, listen. I gotta tell ya.

She's absolutely right.

Well, if you all

really, really think
I shouldn't fight...

[doorbell rings]

Of course you shouldn't fight.

Fighting is for
empty-headed jerks.

I can't wait to see that fight!

Jack goin' toe-to-toe
with that maniac.

Boy, are we gonna
see the leather fly!

I gotta talk about the fight.

You shoulda seen him
at the Regal Beagle.

He made me so
proud. Mr. Furley...

I never had anybody
stand up for me before.

Not even my mother.

Mr. Furley... There was Jack,

standin' up against
this real tough guy.

Anyone in his right mind
would've weaseled out,

but not Jack.

And he did it all for me.

[chuckles]

Was there something
you wanted to say?

I just wanted to tell ya

how much I'm looking
forward to the fight.

That's my boy!

[sighs] And that's our Dumbo.

[grunting] Come
on! Hang in there!

[punching bag]

All right!

Woo!

We gonna stand around all day,

or we gonna train?

Whaddaya wanna do first, coach?

Start with a little
rope-jumping.

[jump rope whistles]

Yeah.

Pretty good. Not bad.
All right, big guy. Go to it.

It's good to warm up. Get
that cardiovascular workout.

Okay. [deep breaths]

Been a long time. Yeah.

[rapid breaths]

That thing's alive!

Take it easy, Jack.

It has been a long
time. Start easy.

Start easy. Nice and easy.

[exhales, deep breaths]

My mother and your
mother aren't very close.

My mother punched your
mother right in the nose.

Red. Hot. Peppers!

Been years. Yeah,
that's just great, Jack.

Why don't we skip the
rope-jumping for a while?

Work over on the speed bag.

Work on your
hand-to-eye coordination.

Mean, Jack! You're
tough! A killer!

I used to be pretty good at
this. It's all rhythm and timing.

You wanna get that
ch-ch-ch sound going.

Wait a sec.

See? It's there. [laughs]

That's okay, Jack!

No problem. Work on the heavy
bag. Work on your power punches.

It's okay.

I want you to hit the
bag as hard as you can.

Put all your weight behind it.

No problem. Okay,
Jack. Go ahead.

Anytime you're ready, Jack.

All right. Now I
want'cha to hit the bag

as hard as you
can. Don't hold back.

[yelps]

That's more like it!

Nice punch, Biff.

Look, I wanna tell ya somethin'.

Hey, hey, hey. Nobody
talks to my boy except me.

Oh, yeah?

And who's you?

Larry Dallas.

Larry Dallas?

You probably know
me as Kid Cleveland.

Who? Stay loose, Jack.

What, you never fought
in the Midwest? No.

That's good. I mean, uh,

I was big there. Real big.

And now I'm trainin'
this powerhouse, here.

[yelps] [Biff]
Well, I just wanted

to tell him... Hey. We
don't have time for chit-chat.

Time for me and my
boy to go a few rounds.

What? You mean fighting?
That's what we're here for!

[laughs]

Not too swift in the
brain department.

Then again, what
great fighter is?

No offense, Beef.
Uh, Barf! Uh, Biff!

Joe! You wanna help
us with the gloves, here?

Sure. What're you talkin' about?

Gettin' in the
ring, and... Relax.

I got a plan.

We get in the ring. You hit me.

Not hard, you understand.

Pull your punch. Uh-huh.

And I will go down like a rock.

What's that gonna
do? Don'cha see?

When Biff sees how ya
flattened Kid Cleveland,

he'll chicken out of the fight.

You'll be off the hook. Get it?

Got it. Good.

Let's go!

[fighting]

He's watching. Yeah.

Hit me. Where?

Anywhere. I'm gettin' tired.

Yike!

You still here?

What'd you wanna
say to me before?

I was gonna say we
should call off the fight.

Oh. You finally come
to your senses, huh?

I thought you would.
Yeah, but now that I see

how good you are,
I wouldn't think of it.

I'm gonna tear your head off.

Terri? [screams]

Oh, Janet. You scared me.

I'm sorry.

I was just wondering
what you were doing up.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

Oh. Oh, I, uh, I just wanted
to get, uh, a glass of milk!

Oh! Oh.

Then it doesn't
have anything to do

with Jack fighting tomorrow.

Don't be silly, Janet.

I always have a glass of
milk at 3:00 in the morning.

[laughs] What are you doing up?

Ah. Uh... I wanted
to get a cookie.

And-and-and I-I thought
I'd have it with your milk.

Who we kiddin', Janet?

That Jack is some guy.

Sticking up for
Mr. Furley like that.

Yeah. You know what, Terri?

Jack's always looked
out for his friends.

Yeah. I'm sure gonna
miss him. Me, too.

Whaddaya mean,
you're gonna miss him?

Well, I... [big laugh]

I didn't mean that I was really

actually going to
miss him. [sobbing]

That dumb fight tomorrow!
I'm just so worried!

Yeah, me, too.
He could get hurt!

I'll kill him if he does.

Would you look at us?

We're sitting out
here, worried to death,

and he's in there
sleeping like a baby!

Yeah.

[both] Jack!

What are you doing up?

Oh, hi, girls! I was just

outside, uh, shadow-boxing.

At 3:00 in the morning?

Yeah. That's when you
get your best shadows.

Then, um, you're not worried
about tomorrow's fight. Are you?

Is that tomorrow?

I don't wanna toot my own
horn, but I am cool as a cucumber.

Not even thinkin'
about the fight.

[doorbell rings]

[screams] Come on and get me!

Take it easy! Take it easy, boy!

Sure? Take it easy.

Mr. Furley!

I'm worried about Jack.

We're all worried
about Jack. Oh, Jack.

I've been thinking.
This Biff Bower guy

sounds like one tough potato.

I don't want you to step
into that ring tomorrow.

Really?

Not without some good,
solid experience behind you.

That's why I've decided
to be your manager.

What? Now, don't try
to talk me outta this!

No sacrifice is too
great for a friend like you.

Oh, my God.

Jack... Well,

I knew he'd be grateful,
but this is embarrassing.

[chatter]

[doors slam open]
Okay! Make way, folks!

Clear a path here!
Comin' through!

What are you doing?

Crowd control, Jack.

There is no crowd.

That's 'cause I
been doin' my job.

Jack? How do you feel?

I feel goo-oo-ood.
I feel goo-oo-ood.

Loo-oo-oose. And
ready. Good and ready.

I'd feel a lot better if
Larry would stop that.

Sorry.

Terri, isn't that
your medical bag?

Um, yes.

Why did'ja bring it with ya?

Uh, I couldn't find my purse!

Don't worry, Jack. You
won't need any of that stuff.

Thanks, Mr. Furley.

Because I got
everything right here.

Band-aids, iodine, splints.

I even saw a stretcher
back in the locker room.

Don't pay any
attention to him, Jack.

He's just kidding.

Aren't you? Uh... oh, yeah.

Just a... just a joke...

[Referee] Okay.
Into your corner.

[sighs] Here we go.

[Mike] Larry! Oh, hi, Mike!

Dropped your glove.

Give me that.

Jack? Yeah.

You know I said I
didn't want you fighting?

Well, I think you could
win this if you want to.

So why don't you
just go get him?

Thanks, Janet. You're welcome.

And Jack? I want

you to know that you're gonna
get through this fight just fine.

Well, thank you, Terri.

Now, the second he touches you,

I want you to hit the canvas,

stay down for the count,
or you are dead meat.

When you want
me to take you out?

After the fight would be good.

Have a few beers,
talk, clear the air...

What round you want
me to knock you out?

Like to see you try.

Don't help me, Larry.
[Mr. Furley] Jack can

take everything
you got, and more!

Mr. Furley... All right,
guys! Now come on.

Look, this is a
three-round bout.

Each round lasts two minutes.

Now I want a good, clean fight.

And remember: you're responsible

for cleaning your own
blood off the canvas.

Okay? Now go in your corners,
come out with the bell. Hurry up!

[light clapping]
This is it, Jack!

Any last requests?
Uh, questions?

Get outta here, Larry!

You're all set, Jack.

[bell rings] Okay! Whoo!

[crowd cheering]

Isn't Jack fighting funny?

Terri? His gloves
are tied together.

That's not fair! They should make
Biff tie his gloves together, too!

Oh, my God! You tied
his gloves together!

That's right!

Blame every little thing on me!

Hey! Do something! Stop them!

I can't! The round's not over!

Oh... [rings bell]

It is now!

Jack, are you okay?

Is that you, Auntie Em?

This is awful!

Get some water! We
need some water over here!

Jack?

There's no place
like home. Jack!

What, what? It's time
for a new strategy.

Huh? You see his belt?

Yeah. I want you

to hit him right below that.

I can't do that!

Don'tcha see? They'll
stop the fight for a foul.

By the time Biff stops
groaning, you'll be outta town.

Forget it, Larry. Either I
fight fair or I don't fight at all.

Hey! Ring that
bell! I wanna kill him!

Where'd you want me to hit him?

We're outta water!

You're my idol.
You're a dead man.

This is no time to
indulge yourself!

Come on, Jack!

Don't hit me!

I haven't even touched you.

One! Two!

Three! Come on! Get up!

Shh. The man is trying to count.

Four! Five! Six! Get up already!

Yoo-hoo! Biff! Hi, there,

big fella! Oh, wow, oh wow!

That's it, Jack. You
got him on the run.

He's tiring, Jack.

Go for it! Go for it!

Larry!

Hey! You!

Ow!

Agh!

[groans]

[yells] You big bully!

Just leave him
alone! Get outta here!

[screams]

Janet! Janet!

Wait a second, Tripper! You're
not getting away from me that easy.

I gotta see if she's all right!

Let go, you! Let go!

One...!

Janet, are you all right?

Oh. Hey.

You're awful cute.
What's your name?

Eight! Nine! Ten! You're out!

[crowd cheers]

You won! You won!

What happened to him?

You hit him in the chops.
Knocked him out cold!

I hope he didn't see me!

[laughs] I knew we could do it!

I better see if our friend
needs any smelling salts.

Let's get outta here before
he wakes up. [All] Let's go!

Hey, you!

I hope you learned
your lesson today.

Huh? Doesn't pay to go around

shootin' your mouth off, Bozo.

What did you say?

You heard me!

Tell him, Jack!

Here you go, Terri.

It's your move, Janet. Thanks.

Okay. I'm all set.

See you later, girls.

Where you goin', Jack?

Goin' down to the Regal Beagle.

Is that a good idea, Jack?

You just might
run into Biff again.

So what? Who won the fight?

Well... Yo! Me! Kid
Tripper! See that?

If I run into Biff Bower,
he just better back off.

Okay. If you're sure.

Hey, you better believe it.

Okay, Jack. Have fun.

All right. Let's see. [mumbles]

Is that... Eighteen.

Is that a double-letter
word score you have?

[bickering]

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪♪ [theme]

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.