Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 7, Episode 17 - Jack's Double Date - full transcript

[man] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

[woman] ♪ Come and
knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

[both] ♪ Where the kisses
are hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a loveable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that life is a ball
again Laughter is calling for you ♪



♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

Oh, hi, Janet.

Hi, Ter.

Oh! Am I glad that's over with.

What, a tough day at
the emergency ward?

Stabbings, shootings,
auto accidents...

Blood all over the place.

I mean, I've never
seen so much gore.

We did so many stitches,

I thought we'd
run out of thread.

And that one guy.



We should have never
asked him to take off his shirt.

It was the only thing
holding him together.

Aren't you gonna
eat that sandwich?

I may never eat again.

Great! I am starved!

Hey, ladies!

Hi, Jack. How was
your convention?

Oh, it was fantastic!

The keynote speaker
was a guy just like me.

He started out with
one little coffee shop,

and now he's got restaurants
all over the country.

You know how he did it?

Who cares how he
did it. Is he married?

What he said about
being a success,

he said, "You
wanna be a success?

"Well, you gotta
have perseverance.

You gotta work 24 hours
a day with no distractions."

Well, that let's you out.

Yeah. You'd have
to give up girls.

So? I could do that.

Oh, sure, Jack.
For about 2 days.

That long? I'd give him about...

Oh, you two are so cute.

You wanna make a little
roommate wager here?

Yeah!

All right. How
about, uh, 25 bucks

that says you cannot stay
away from girls for one week?

[laughs] You're on.

He'll never make it. Ha ha!

[doorbell rings] Not a chance.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

If that is someone of
the female persuasion,

tell her I'm not
interested. Thank you.

Oh, hi, Mr. Furley.

There's a leak in your shower

and it's dripping down
into my bathroom.

Oh, and you came by to fix it?

No, I just came by
to tell you about it.

I don't care if the whole
building floats away.

Mr. Furley, come on in here.

Gee, is something wrong?

What makes you think
there's something wrong.

Just because I have no future,

no little woman,

no little Furleys
running around...

like my brother Bart!

Life is just passing me by.

Oh, Mr. Furley.

Why, don't you talk like that.

Sit down, Mr. Furley.

Look at me. A 50-year-old...

A 40-year-old man.

And what good have
I done in this world?

I'm useless.

I'm not good for
anything or anybody.

Oh, hi, Mr. Furley.
How are things?

Oh, Jack, Mr. Furley's
real depressed.

He feels useless.

That never depressed him before.

Oh, you're a real
big help, Jack.

[doorbell rings]

You wanna get
that, Mr. Sympathy?

[Jack] Sure. Come in!

Great news, Jacko!

It's singles night at
the Regal Beagle.

Uh... I'm not interested.

If you don't know
that by now, Larry,

you must be out to lunch.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Mr. Fur... Oh,
Hey! I have an idea.

Larry, why don't you
take Mr. Furley with you?

What?

Yeah, and Jack will go
along to keep you company.

I already told
you... Right, Jack?

Aye! Aye! Let go
of the hair! I'll go!

Good. Okay.

Mr. Furley, you just
get off the couch here

and you go downstairs,

and you get yourself
all prettied up, okay?

Well, all right.

I'll meet you
downstairs in 5 minutes.

Singles night! Whoo!

I'm gonna dab on
some of my new cologne.

It drives women crazy.

Smells like money.

Come on, Jack. Here you go...

Before you have a chance
to change your mind.

Wait a sec. Why can't
you girls take Furley out?

Because. Because.

We're gonna meet some
friends at the movies.

Wait a minute. Don't forget...

Hey, girls, it's singles
night at the Beagle.

Aren't you afraid I'm
gonna cheat on our bet?

Not with Mr. Furley
as your date.

It's gonna be a long night.

♪♪ [piano]

This will never work.

I'll never meet a
girl Sure you will.

Just watch and learn.

Oh, hi there!

Didn't I meet you
at the Roberts'?

Oh, you're a friend
of Phil Roberts?

Good old Philsy.
We're like that.

Yeah, well, any friend of
Phil Roberts can drop dead!

Aah! Oh!

Did you see the
way she kicked him?

Yeah. Everybody's
having fun but me.

Hey, there's a
very pretty woman.

Where?

[Jack] Right over there
at that booth. See?

She's all alone.

Hubba-hubba.

Jack, she's looking this way.

Quick. Smile at her.

She's smiling back at
me. What should I do?

Say hello. Hello.

Not to me, to her.

Hello. Hello.

Helloooo.

Hello!

Hello?

Hello! Huh?

Oh! Hello!

[coughs] I was just
wondering if, uh...

you'd mind if... [coughs]

Well, the fact is,
I just happened

to be passing by your
immediate area here and I...

Oh, do sit down.

I was wondering
if I could sit down.

Oh, thank you!

I wouldn't mind if I did. Ha ha.

I'm Martha. I'm
Furley... uh, Ralph.

Actually, I'm Ralph and Furley.

[both laugh]

Oh, you have the nicest eyes.

Oh.

Well, I try to take
good care of 'em.

Like closing them at
night and things like that.

Oh! Ha ha!

Listen... ahem... since
you seem to be alone,

I was wondering if you and I...

I mean we... Are you
trying to pick me up?

Oh, no! No, no, no!

No, I'd never...
Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping you were.

Huh? You mean you and me?

Oh, yes!

The only thing is, I'm
meeting a girlfriend here and...

Well, I couldn't do anything
without including her.

Uh... well, you wait right here.

I've got just the
friend for your friend.

Great!

Jack, guess what?

You got a date?

I did better than that.
I got one for you, too.

Well, good... Uh,
no, no, Mr. Furley. I...

Come on, Jack.

She's meeting a girlfriend here,

and she won't go
out with me unless...

Mr. Furley, I'd
love to help you out,

but you know... the way I am.

Well, you can fake it, Jack.

Sometimes you even fool me.

I know, but it takes
so much out of me.

Oh, please... please, Jack.

Who else have I got to turn to?

Would you believe I've
been kicked, slapped,

and had an olive
shoved up my nose?

Larry would be
glad to help you, R.F.

Larry, thank you!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

I won't forget this.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I won't forget this either.

Forget what? What
is he talking about?

The girl... The woman that Furley
picked up is expecting a friend.

So this is your
chance to help Furley.

Are you crazy?

Oh, come on, Larry.

So what if your date turns out
to be a little on the mature side.

Forget it. Oh, thanks a lot.

I am deeply
disappointed in you, Larry.

I mean, all I ask is
for one lousy favor.

You're disappointed in me, huh?

Well, let me tell you
something, chum.

I'm... deeply
disappointed in myself.

I mean, if I can't do one
little favor for my friend.

You mean you'll do it?

For you I shall make
the supreme sacrifice.

After all, what are friends for?

Excuse me. Thank you.

[laughs]

[weeps]

Hello again! It's
so nice to see you!

Hi there. How have you been?

Just fine. How are
things at home?

Fine, thank you.
Everything all right?

Great.

Excuse me. Huh?

Do you know her?

Oh, well, yeah, Larry.
I... I took her out once.

Why only once?
Believe me, Larry,

she's the nicest girl
you'd ever wanna meet.

So that's why.

Besides, I didn't really
want to get married.

She wants to get married?

Well, yeah. Her
father's a minister.

He said he do it for free.

Ow! Ow! My back!
My back just went out!

Poor Lar.

Nah! It's an old
basketball injury.

It kept me from turning pro.

You're gonna have to take over.

Get someone to look at that..

What happened to Larry?

Uh, he had a wedding to miss.

Well, Jack whether you
like it or not, you're stuck.

Oh, shuckums. Am I?

Act like a man.
She'll never know.

[confident voice] Hi again.

Hi!

Jack, this is Martha, my date.

[Martha] Hi, Jack. Hi.

And I'm yours.

Are ya?

Nice to meet you.

Well, now what?

Uh, weren't you
gonna take Martha

back to your apartment
for a little drink?

I was?

Oh, yeah!

Why don't we all go back
to my apartment for a drink?

All?

Sounds like fun to me.

Yeah!

But Mr. Furley...

Ellen, do you play checkers?

Well... yes.

See, Jack? You're all set?

Yeah!

Hubba-hubba.

There you go.

Oh!

[sexy voice] Your move, Jack.

I don't think I can make it.

Oh, you don't have
to be shy with me.

Well, maybe with your help,

I can overcome it.

Oh, I'll help all I can.

Jack.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

How you doing?

Oh, Mr. Furley, it was awful.

I had to touch her!

Well, nobody said it
was gonna be easy.

Say, you know what
this party needs?

A little soft music.

Ooh! Right!

Ooh, come on, let's dance.

Oh, this is... excuse me.

[soft melody playing]

Hey, Jack, she's not
gonna bite. There!

Oh, my God!

That's better.

Listen, it's so nice out.

Why don't we take a walk?

Sure. Where?

Up to my apartment.

To a night that will live
in our memory... forever.

Oh, Ralph, you're so romantic.

Heh!

Smooth.

You ought to try
some of this, Jack.

Jack?

Where'd they go?

I guess they just stepped out.

So, here we are, all alone.

Yeah. Alone?

Well, are you all right?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Well, good.

Come sit down.

[coughs] Okay.

No! Sit over here.

Is something wrong?

[clears throat]

Well, this is gonna come
as a big surprise to you,

but I'm not the ladies'
man everybody thinks I am.

No!

I knew you'd be surprised.

The fact is, I don't have
much luck with women.

Oh, Ralph.

Kiss me!

What?

Kiss me!

It's no good!

Give me a chance! It takes
me a while to get started!

Oh, Ralph, it's not you.

It's Howard.

Howard?

Oh, we've been going
together for 5 years,

and then we had a fight,

and I haven't seen him since.

Well, why don't you
just forget about him?

I... I can't!

Oh, Ralph!

What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, come on now, Martha.

[sobbing] Oh, I can't help it.

Martha, Mar...
Martha, Mar... stop it!

Shame on you!

What?

Just because
of a little quarrel,

you're gonna let 5 years of love
and understanding go down the drain?

Well, what can I do?

You can call him!

Oh, no, no. I couldn't.

Yes, you can. Here.

Oh! Oh!

Call!

Oh, I don't... I... I...

Come on, go ahead! Dial!

But it's long distance.

Long distance?

Oh, what the hell! Go
ahead! Dial, woman!

Yes, Ralph.

I think you're wonderful.

Mwah!

Mmm! Wonderful!

Mmm! Full-bodied!

Yes, I noticed. Excuse me.

Well, what do you
want to do now?

Well, I have 8 or 9 ideas.

[chatter]

Oh, no, there's nothing in your
eye, Miss Simmons. Nothing.

Well, hi, girls.

Hi, Jack. Hi, Jack.

Ellen, these are my 2 roommates,

Terri and Janet.

Roommates? Yeah.

Terri's the pretty blonde
and Janet is the other one.

Jack, honey, could we see you
out in the kitchen for just a minute?

Yes. We want to talk about $25.

Would you excuse us, Ellen?

Aah!

Ahem!

Jack, what is going on here?

Nothing. They're
very nice girls.

They just have some
serious financial problems.

Excuse me.

Pay up, Casanova. We caught
you out there with that girl.

[slaps] Ow!

That was no girl. That's
a business woman.

Jack, you mean you
went out and picked up a...

Oh, Janet!

Come on, now. Her business
happens to be restaurant management.

Ha!

Terri, I met her
at the convention

and I asked her politely if she
would like to come home with me

and teach me things.

Sure.

At this hour of the night?

This was the only
free time she had!

She's a very busy
business woman.

What about Mr. Furley?
Now, you were supposed to...

Mr. Furley is fine. He's
downstairs right now

with a very lovely
woman named Martha.

Oh? Yeah. So if
you'll excuse me,

I'd like to get
back to business.

Thank you.

Business, huh?

Yeah.

Listen, Ellen, we're
gonna have to le...

Hi again. Hi again.

You know, Jack
was just telling us

how much you knew
about restaurants. Yeah.

So we wanted to
ask you a question.

Uh, wait, Janet.

If you had a small,
medium-priced restaurant

that seated 36 people

with a monthly
overhead of, say, $2,000,

how many people
would you have to serve

before you could show a profit?

Listen, why don't
I take you home

so you can look
on your computer.

Well, now, if costs
include rent, utilities,

and all the salaried employees,

with the average
meal costing about $8,

you'd need to serve between
240 and 265 servings,

depending on
whether wine is served,

which would add a
value of 5 per serving.

Yeah. Well, that's
what we thought, too.

Is there anything else
you'd like to know?

No. No, uh... [yawns]

We better be hitting the rack.

I'm really tired. It
was a long movie.

Oh, yes. Me, too.

I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Good night, Jack!

Good night, everyone!

Good night, girls.

Oh!

How did you know so
much about restaurants?

Oh, I work for a CPA

and we have several
restaurants as clients.

Oh!

Jack, what is with those girls?

Yeah, well, they're
tremendously nosy...

Especially the little dark one.

Well, now, where were we?

I think we were
right about here.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Aah!

Whoo!

Gotcha!

She is nosy!

Did it work?

We caught him red-handed!

Ha ha ha!

Cough it up, Jack!

This is not what
you're seeing. I was...

Miss Simmons here was
just demonstrating to me

the problems of
sexual harassment

that she faces
day in and day out

on her... oh, what
the heck. Here.

Whoo!

OK, Jack, you can
drop the act now.

Why, Mr. Furley,
what brings you here?

I just had to come up and
tell you how great I feel.

You mean, you and Martha...

That's right! I did it!

[Gasps] Mr. Furley!

I got her and her boyfriend
back together again.

You what?

Yeah. See, she was so unhappy
because they'd broken up,

so I made her call him.

Mr. Furley, what a
wonderful thing for you to do.

Yeah, it sure is
great to be needed.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I've
got to be getting home now.

I'll take you.

No, no, no, no.
I'll take her home.

Oh, Mr. Furley...

Jack, after what you've
been through tonight,

it's the least I can do.

Oh, no, Mr. Furley...

And I will explain to her

what a great sacrifice
you made tonight.

No, no! Don't do that.

No, Mr. Furley. Could I speak...

Mr. Furley. Hey,
just one second.

Mr. Furley, don't...
Mr. Fur... uuh!

Poor Jack. You lost your girl.

[growls]

And your 25 bucks.

Give me that. Ha!

[shouting indistinctly]

[knock on door]

Yeah!

Jack, do you still have
the keys to my car?

Here.

Oh, thanks.

What's the matter?
You don't look too happy.

I had a miserable
time tonight. Really?

Yeah. And it serves me right,
after the way I conned you.

You conned me?

About Ellen.

She's really a very warm,

loving, and tremendously
eager-to-please girl,

if you know what I mean.

No kidding. Well, forget it.

Those things happen. See ya.

Hey, wait a minute. Where
are you driving this late at night?

Oh, Mr. Furley's
car wouldn't start,

so he asked me
to take Ellen home.

Ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Closed-Captioned by J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA