Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 12 - Janet's Secret - full transcript

( theme music playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

( phone ringing )

I GOT IT!

HELLO. MOM!

HI! OH, I'M FINE,
AND HOW ARE YOU?

OH, GOOD. HOW ARE
THINGS BACK HOME?

YOU'RE WHERE?

AND DAD'S WITH
YOU? OH, HOW NICE...

WHAT? NO, NO, MOTHER.

MOTHER, YOU CAN'T COME HERE.



I'M GOING OUT, BUT COULD
I MEET YOU SOMEWHERE?

MOM, DON'T HANG
UP... MOM! DON'T HANG...

- HEY, JANET, WHO WAS THAT?
- THAT WAS MY PARENTS.

- CALLING FROM INDIANA?
- NO, FROM A PHONE BOOTH
TWO BLOCKS AWAY.

- AND THEY'RE GONNA COME OVER.
- HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

NO, THAT'S TERRIBLE, JACK. I'M REALLY
GONNA GET IN BIG TROUBLE, NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

EVER SINCE I MOVED
AWAY FROM HOME,

MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN
ON MY BACK TO GET MARRIED.

- LOTS OF PARENTS ARE LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, BUT MY PARENTS
ARE FANATICS.

- ESPECIALLY AFTER
THE BABY CAME.
- THE B... JANET!

JACK, PLEASE, MY
SISTER HAD A BABY.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I'M SORRY.

LAST MONTH, MY FATHER'S
ULCER STARTS REALLY ACTING UP.

SO MY MOM CALLS ME UP
AND TELLS ME ABOUT THIS.

AND SHE SAYS MY DAD'S ULCER IS
ACTING UP BECAUSE HE WORRIES ABOUT ME

AND THE REASON MY DAD WORRIES
ABOUT ME IS BECAUSE I'M NOT MARRIED YET.

SO, I GOT REALLY UPSET WHILE WE WERE
TALKING, JACK. I WAS REALLY WORRIED.

AND I SAID, "TELL HIM I'M
MARRIED!" AND SHE DID.

- WAIT, YOU MEAN THAT...
- I MEAN MY PARENTS THINK I'M MARRIED.

( laughing ) JANET,
CONGRATULATIONS.

- WHO'S THE LUCKY GUY?
- YOU ARE.

- ME! WHY ME?
- I WASN'T ABOUT TO
MARRY A TOTAL STRANGER.

OH, JACK, PLEASE, CAN'T
YOU JUST PLAY ALONG?

- ARE YOU CRAZY?
- JACK, PLEASE, THEY'RE
ONLY HERE FOR A LITTLE BIT.

THEY'RE JUST PASSING THROUGH,
YOU'LL HARDLY HAVE TO SEE THEM.

I CAN'T, I HAVE A
VERY IMPORTANT DATE

WITH SHELLY GREEN... SHE'S
DRIVING ALL THE WAY FROM OXNARD.

- WELL, CAN'T YOU CALL HER?
- SURE, IF SHE HAD
A PHONE IN HER CAR!

- ( doorbell rings )
- JACK, THAT'S THEM,
PLEASE DON'T LET ME DOWN!

- I'M SORRY... ALL RIGHT!
- OH, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...

- OH, THANK YOU.
- JANET, JANET...

- WHAT? WHAT?
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL THEM
THE TRUTH SOONER OR LATER.

YEAH, I WILL... LATER.

- MOM! OH, HI!
- OH, JANET! HONEY!

( laughing ) HEY, BABY.

OH, DADDY. COME IN.

OH, VERY NICE!

- YOU LOOK WONDERFUL, DEAR.
- OH, THANKS.

MARRIAGE MUST BE
AGREEING WITH YOU.

AND YOU... YOU MUST
BE JANET'S HUSBAND.

THAT'S WHAT JANET TOLD ME.

- WHAT?!
- I MEAN, YES, YES!

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO MEET YA, SON!

NICE TO MEET YOU,
MR. WOOD, MRS. WOOD.

OH, CALL US MOM AND DAD.

OH, I CAN'T... I DON'T EVEN
CALL MY OWN PARENTS BY...

OH, JANET, YOU HAVE
SUCH GOOD TASTE.

JACK IS SO TALL, SO HANDSOME.

THANKS, MOM.

WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN?

- HONEY, COULD YOU PULL OUT
THAT ORANGE CHAIR FOR DADDY?
- SURE, SWEETY-PIE.

HERE WE GO.

LET ME GET THIS OLD CHAIR...

LET ME FIX THE PILLOW FOR YA.

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN GET FOR YOU?

OH, NO, THANK YOU, DEAR.

LORDY, LORDY,
LORDY, LORDY, LORDY...

SO, JANET TELLS
US YOU'RE A COOK.

OH, DADDY, NOT A
COOK. JACK IS A CHEF.

HE GRADUATED AT THE
VERY TOP OF HIS CLASS.

EVERY RESTAURANT IN TOWN IS
JUST BEGGING HIM TO WORK FOR THEM.

BEGGING! WELL, I'M IMPRESSED.

WHAT RESTAURANT
YOU COOKING IN NOW?

WELL, YOU MIGHT SAY THE
BEGGING'S STILL GOING ON.

YOU MEAN YOU'RE UNEMPLOYED?
HOW DO YOU MANAGE?

WELL, MOM, I STILL HAVE
MY JOB AT THE FLOWER SHOP.

YOU'RE SUPPORTING HIM?

WELL, SOMEBODY
HAS TO PAY THE RENT.

LEAVE THEM ALONE. JUST BE THANKFUL
THAT JANET FINALLY GOT MARRIED.

WELL, I AM, THOUGH I DO WISH THEY
HAD INVITED US TO THE WEDDING.

- OH, WELL...
- OH, UH...

( stammers ) DADDY, MOTHER...

NOBODY WAS INVITED
TO THIS WEDDING

BECAUSE... WE ELOPED.

OH, HOW ROMANTIC.
WHERE DID YOU GO?

- TIJUANA.
- LAS VEGAS.

WELL, NOW, WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE RUTH?

THEY'RE MARRIED,

THEY'RE HAPPY, WE'RE
HAPPY, EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.

THAT'S A LOVELY
PURSE YOU HAVE THERE.

SO, JACK, WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO COOK US FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

WELL, I CAN'T
TONIGHT, I HAVE A DATE.

- A DATE?
- A DATE WITH THE GUYS.

IT'S... IT'S MY BOWLING NIGHT.

OH, BUT, DARLING, YOU COULD
CANCEL THAT IF YOU REALLY WANTED TO.

COULDN'T YOU, SNOOKUMS?

I WANT TO! I WANT TO!

- ( doorbell rings )
- EXCUSE ME.

SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.

JACKIE! GREAT NEWS.

FRIDAY IS WET T-SHIRT
NIGHT AT THE RUSTY ANCHOR.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK...

IF WE PLAY OUR CARDS RIGHT,

- I THINK WE COULD
BE THE WATER BOYS.
- LARRY...

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
JANET'S PARENTS.

HER PARENTS.

MOM, DADDY, THIS IS
OUR NEIGHBOR, LARRY.

LOOK, ABOUT THOSE WET T-SHIRTS,

THE CONTESTANTS...

ARE ALL THE TINY TOTS
FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

PEE-WEE FOOTBALL,
LITTLE LEAGUE...

LAR... LAR...

I WON'T YOU FOLKS TO KNOW, BY THE WAY,
THAT YOU HAVE ONE HECK OF A GIRL HERE.

AND IN SPITE OF HOW IT LOOKS,

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
GOING ON BETWEEN THESE TWO.

WELL, WE WERE SORT OF
HOPING THERE WOULD BE.

JANET, I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR
PARENTS WERE SO LIBERAL.

LARRY, COULD I SEE YOU
OUTSIDE FOR JUST A SEC?

SAY, YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY
OTHER DAUGHTERS LYING AROUND, WOULD YOU?

- OUTDOORS!
- YEAH, EXCUSE ME.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, HONEY?
- I JUST WANT TO SAY GOODBYE
TO LAWRENCE FOR A SECOND.

LARRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO. I
GOT A DATE TONIGHT WITH A GORGEOUS REDHEAD.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO? WHAT, YOU LOST YOUR MEMORY?

SHE'S DRIVING ALL THE
WAY IN FROM OXNARD,

SHE'S ALREADY LEFT,
I CAN'T STOP HER.

SO, YOU GOTTA GO
OUT WITH HER TONIGHT.

YOU NOT ONLY LOST YOUR
MEMORY, YOU LOST YOUR MIND.

LARRY, LISTEN TO ME, HER NAME
IS SHELLEY GREEN. SHE'S FANTASTIC

I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET HER AT THE CHEZ
ROBERT RESTAURANT AT 8:00, BE THERE.

YEAH, I GOT YA. WAIT A SECOND.

THERE'S GOTTA BE A CATCH TO THIS... WHY
CAN'T YOU MAKE THE DATE WITH SHELLEY?

- 'CAUSE JANET TOLD HER PARENTS...
- JACK! GET BACK IN HERE!

- I GOTTA GO.
- IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU BETTER,
I'D THINK YOU WERE MARRIED.

HI, WELL, IT'S ALL SET.

- LARRY'S GONNA TAKE MY PLACE
AT THE BOWLING TEAM TONIGHT.
- OH, GOOD.

- I HOPE HE SCORES WELL.
- I HOPE HE DOESN'T.

I JUST MEAN, I'LL LOSE
MY PLACE ON THE TEAM.

- SO, SO...
- SURE.

WELL, SON... JACK...

- OH, YES, HI.
- ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
OPENED OUR WEDDING PRESENT?

THE... THE WEDDING...
OH! OVER HERE, YES.

WE'RE HOPING YOU'LL
BE NEEDING IT SOON.

- VERY SOON!
- OH, DADDY!

OH... OH! AWW... JANET...

LOOK, IT'S JUST WHAT WE
NEED, A GIANT PICNIC BASKET.

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE SO CUTE.

THIS ISN'T A PICNIC
BASKET, IT'S A BASSINET.

YOU PUT A BABY IN IT.

WHY WOULD WE WANT TO
TAKE A BABY ALONG ON A PICNIC?

( whistling "Rock-a-bye Baby" )

( whistles ) NO, NO
THANKS, SORRY.

JACK, JACK, JACK, JACK...

WELL, YOU WANT
CHILDREN, DON'T YOU?

WELL, OF COURSE. SURE WE DO.

WE'VE JUST BEEN
MARRIED A MONTH, THOUGH.

BUT YOU ARE TRYING...

OH, HE TRIES.
BELIEVE ME, HE TRIES.

DOESN'T SEEM TO BE
ANY BETTER AT THAT

THAN HE IS AT FINDING A JOB.

- RUTH, PLEASE.
- ( doorbell rings )

I'LL GET THAT.

HI, JANET. I'M HERE TO
FIX THAT LEAKY FAUCET.

MR. FURLEY, COULDN'T
YOU COME BACK LATER?

OH, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T
REALIZE YOU HAD COMPANY.

OH, WE'RE JANET'S PARENTS.

REALLY?

WELL, OF ALL THINGS.
HOW DO YOU DO?

I'M RALPH FURLEY,
THE KIDS' LANDLORD.

WE DROVE ALL THE WAY FROM
INDIANA TO SEE OUR DAUGHTER...

AND OUR NEW SON-IN-LAW, JACK.

WELL, ISN'T THAT NICE. I
HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY.

DID YOU SAY SON-IN-LAW?

ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

WONDERFUL? IT'S A MIRACLE!

IT SURE IS!

AND WE CAN'T WAIT FOR THESE TWO KIDS
TO GET TOGETHER AND FILL THAT BASSINET.

( laughing ) BOY, YOU COULD
SELL TICKETS TO THAT ONE!

EXCUSE ME, MR. FURLEY,
HERE'S THE FAUCET TROUBLE...

( laughing ) DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YOU AND JANET MARRIED! THAT'S
THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER HEARD.

- YOU'RE NOT REALLY ARE YA?
- OF COURSE NOT.

I DIDN'T THINK SO.

NO, SHE ONLY TOLD HER
PARENTS SHE WAS MARRIED.

TO YOU! BOY, TALK
ABOUT YOUR FAIRY TALES!

LOOK, MR. FURLEY.

MARRIAGE IS VERY IMPORTANT
TO JANET'S PARENTS.

IF THEY FOUND OUT THE TRUTH,
IT WOULD BREAK THEIR HEARTS.

OH... OH, LISTEN, DON'T YOU
WORRY, I'LL FIX EVERYTHING.

OH, THANKS A LOT...
OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

LISTEN, YOU FOLKS, YOU DON'T
REALIZE HOW LUCKY YOU ARE

TO BE GETTING A
SON-IN-LAW LIKE JACK, HERE.

HE IS ONE FINE GUY.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO SELL JACK TO ME.

I CAN SEE, HE'S A MAN'S MAN.

HOW'D YOU KNOW?

THANKS A LOT, MR. FURLEY...

IT ISN'T EVERY DAY THAT A
GUY LIKE JACK GETS MARRIED.

WELL, I SHOULD HOPE NOT.

I MEAN, HE WAS SUCH A PLAYBOY,
HAD GIRLS OVER ALL THE TIME,

I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D
SETTLE DOWN WITH JUST ONE.

WELL, I HOPE HE'S CHANGED.

YEAH, IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH.

( continues laughing
) NICE MEETING YA!

( Furley laughing uproariously )

WHAT A STRANGE MAN.

WELL, I'M DYING TO SEE THE
REST OF YOUR APARTMENT.

OH, IS THIS YOUR BEDROOM?

YES. NO! DON'T GO IN THERE, MOM!

MOM, DON'T GO IN... HERE.

TWIN BEDS?

WHY ON EARTH WOULD
YOU HAVE TWIN BEDS?

ACTUALLY, MOM, WE
ONLY USE THAT ONE.

WELL, THEN, WHY DO
YOU HAVE THIS ONE?

WELL, IN CASE WE
WEAR THAT ONE OUT.

WHY DON'T I MAKE SOME
COFFEE. MOTHER... HONEY...

- OH, WHAT'S IN THERE?
- OH, I'M SORRY, THAT'S...

THAT'S OUR GUEST ROOM.

HI, EVERYBODY! I'M HOME.

- WHO'S SHE?
- THAT'S OUR GUEST.

OUR BOARDER, SHE
RENTS THAT ROOM.

OH, ROLAND, THEY'RE SO POOR
THEY HAVE TO TAKE IN A BOARDER.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S EASIER
THAN GETTING A JOB.

CINDY!

CINDY, DARLING, I WOULD LIKE
FOR YOU TO MEET MY PARENTS.

THEY HAVE COME ALL THE WAY FROM
INDIANA JUST TO MEET MY HUSBAND, JACK.

- YOUR HUSBAND?
- JACK!

MOMMY, DADDY, YOU ALL LOOK
REAL TIRED FROM YOU TRIP.

I'M SURE YOU WANT TO GET ON
DOWN TO THAT HOTEL AND SETTLE IN.

WELL, YOUR MOTHER AND I COULD
USE A LITTLE NAP BEFORE DINNER.

OH, DADDY, MOM, IT'S JUST TOO
BAD WE DON'T HAVE THE ROOM HERE,

- BECAUSE IF WE DID, YOU COULD
JUST SPEND THE NIGHT WITH US.
- YEAH, IT'S JUST TOO BAD.

- OH, WE HAVE THE ROOM.
- NO, WE DON'T, CINDY.

NO JACK'S RIGHT,
CINDY. SILLY CINDY.

SEE, IF MY PARENTS SLEPT IN YOUR
BED, WHERE ON EARTH WOULD YOU SLEEP?

- WELL, I'LL SLEEP ON...
- RIGHT ON THE COUCH.

BUT WHERE WILL YOU SLEEP?

WELL, WE'LL SLEEP
WHERE WE ALWAYS SLEEP.

IN OUR OWN, COZY LITTLE BED.

OH! WELL, IN THAT
CASE, WE'LL STAY.

WOULD YOU ALL EXCUSE
US FOR JUST AS MINUTE?

OW!

JACK, DO YOU REALIZE THAT MY
PARENTS EXPECT US TO SLEEP TOGETHER?

WELL, JANET, IT'S
JUST FOR ONE NIGHT.

YOU STOP SMILING, JACK. WE'VE
GOT TO THINK OF SOMETHING!

I AM THINKING, THAT'S
WHY I'M SMILING.

I'M GONNA GO IN THERE RIGHT NOW
AND TELL MY PARENTS THE TRUTH.

JANET, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

- GO TAKE A COLD SHOWER!
- COME HERE!

- MOM, DAD...
- IS ANYTHING WRONG?

WELL, I DO HAVE SOMETHING
THAT I'VE GOT TO SAY.

OF COURSE, BABY, BUT
FIRST I HAVE TO TELL YOU...

IT'S AMAZING.

WHAT'S AMAZING?

MY ULCER. UP UNTIL
THE MOMENT I CROSSED

THE THRESHOLD OF THIS
APARTMENT, IT WAS ACTING UP.

BUT NOW THE PAIN'S
GONE, I FEEL FINE,

I FEEL BETTER THAN
I HAVE IN YEARS.

NOW, BABY, WHAT WAS
IT YOU WANTED TO SAY?

AH...

DO YOU WANT ONE OR TWO BLANKETS?

JUST ONE, DEAR.

CINDY, IF IT'S NOT
TOO MUCH TROUBLE,

- WOULD YOU SHOW US
TO YOUR ROOM?
- OH, SURE.

OH, NO, NO, EXCUSE
ME, I'M SORRY,

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE, IT'S
A MESS... CINDY'S VERY MESSY.

- BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN MY...
- IT'S NOT HER FAULT, IS WHAT SHE...

IT'S NOT HER FAULT. IT'S THE
WAY SHE WAS BROUGHT UP.

I TOLD YA, CLEAN THAT ROOM UP, YOU NEVER
KNOW WHEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE COMPANY.

JANET, YOU TAKE MOM AND
DAD, PICK UP THE LUGGAGE,

AND CINDY AND I WILL
STRAIGHTEN HER ROOM.

GOOD IDEA, HONEY.
COME ON, MOTHER.

WE'LL JUST GO DOWN
AND GET YOUR LUGGAGE.

- Jack: YEAH, JUST BRING IT UP.
- OKAY.

- CINDY, WE GOTTA MY CLOTHES AND
PUT THEM IN YOUR ROOM, OKAY?
- RIGHT.

DON'T JUST SIT THERE! HURRY UP!

NEVER MIND THAT, JUST...
WE'LL GET THAT LATER.

- CINDY.
- YEAH?

YOU'RE ON MY TOE.

WELL... YOUR ROOM'S
ALMOST READY.

GOOD, NOW WE SHOULD HAVE AN EARLY
DINNER AND ALL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING
UP AT 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU'RE GETTING UP AT 6:00?!

YES, WE'RE ALL
GETTING UP AT 6:00.

I'M TAKING US ALL TO DISNEYLAND!

OH, JANET, WON'T THAT BE FUN?

DUCKY.

WELL, NOW THAT THAT'S SETTLED.

LET'S GET DINNER STARTED BECAUSE
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO GET TO BED.

NEITHER CAN WE.

GOOD NIGHT, KIDS. JACK,
THAT WAS A GREAT DINNER.

THANK YOU.

AND NOW, FOR THE DESSERT.

( groans )

NOW, JACK...

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M GOING TO BED.

BUT, SEE, JACK, THAT'S,
M... MY... UM... FINE.

YEAH, FINE, FINE. YOU WANT
TO SLEEP IN MY BED, SURE.

I'LL SLEEP OVER HERE IN CINDY'S.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I
EVER MARRIED YOU, JANET.

LOOK, GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHTY, NIGHTY,
NIGHTY, NIGHTY...
- OH, JACK.

- UH, JACK...
- JANET, LISTEN TO ME.

IF DURING THE NIGHT
YOU GET A CHILL

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT
AND YOU WANT TO CUDDLE...

NO, NO, NEVER. NOT
IN ONE MILLION YEARS.

( knocking )

IT'S MOTHER, MAY I COME IN?

MY, HOW TIME FLIES.

- GENTLE JANET.
- ( groans )

COME IN!

DEAR, I FORGOT
TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MOTHER.

GOOD NIGHT, MOTHER.

YOU TWO LOOK CUTER
THAN TWO PEAS IN A POD.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT, MOTHER WOOD.

LET GO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO
SIMPLE, ONE LITTLE TINY FIB.

( screams )

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

IN CASE YOUR MOTHER COMES BACK.

- JANET...
- GET UP! COME WITH ME!

- ARE WE GONNA SHOWER?
- ( groans )

SHH! BE QUIET. JUST
COME OUT HERE.

- CINDY! CINDY,
ARE YOU SLEEPING?
- NOT ANYMORE.

THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS.
JACK'S GONNA SLEEP ON THE SOFA.

- WITH ME?!
- I HOPE SO.

SHH! SHH! SHH!

- YOU WILL SLEEP
IN YOUR OWN BED.
- WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?

I'M GONNA SET THE ALARM
AND YOU TWO CAN CHANGE

PLACES IN THE MORNING
BEFORE THEY GET UP.

OKAY, COME ON.

LORDY, LORDY, LORDY, LORDY.

( yawns )

- Mr. Wood: RUTH, WAKE UP!
- Mrs. Wood: WHAT IS IT?

Mr. Wood: IT'S JACK! HE'S
OUT THERE ON THE COUCH!

Mrs. Wood: DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

I JUST SAW HIM IN
BED WITH JANET.

( parents chatter indistinctly )

Mrs. Wood: OH, ALL RIGHT.

THERE, YOU SEE, IT'S...

- CINDY.
- WHAT'S WRONG? COULDN'T YOU SLEEP?

WELL, I COULD IF MY
HUSBAND WOULD LET ME.

THERE IS SOMETHING FISHY
GOING ON AROUND HERE.

OH... OH, MY ULCER.

COME ON, ROLAND, WE'LL
FIND YOU A GLASS OF MILK.

AND MAYBE SOME
CARROTS FOR YOUR EYES.

I TELL YOU, RUTH,

I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES,

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH JANET'S MARRIAGE.

- WELL, IF THERE IS,
IT'S NOT JACK'S FAULT.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, HAVEN'T YOU
NOTICED THAT JANET

HASN'T KISSED HIM THE
ENTIRE TIME WE'VE BEEN HERE?

THE POOR BOY'S
STARVED FOR AFFECTION.

IF HE THINKS HE'S STARVING NOW,
HE SHOULD WAIT 'TIL HE'S MY AGE.

DRINK YOUR MILK.

( knocking )

- HI, CINDY, IS JACK AROUND?
- YEAH, HE'S IN THE
BEDROOM WITH JANET.

YEAH, I GOTTA TALK TO HIM...

- HE'S WHERE? WITH WHO?
- SHH!

KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN,
JANET'S PARENTS WILL HEAR YOU.

DO THEY KNOW HE'S
IN THE BEDROOM?

OF COURSE THEY DO.

WHY DON'T I EVER MEET
PARENTS LIKE THAT?

LARRY, WHERE IS JACK?

- UH... CINDY, SHELLEY. SHELLEY, CINDY.
- HI.

- I WANT TO SEE JACK.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T.

HE'S... HE'S SLEEPING.

- WELL, THEN,
I'LL WAKE HIM UP.
- WAIT, WAIT!

( Janet screams ) WHO ARE YOU?!

Jack: SHELLEY!

I GUESS SHE WOKE HIM UP.

SHELLEY, LET ME EXPLAIN, PLEASE,
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. SHELLEY, LISTEN.

I DROVE ALL THE WAY FROM OXNARD TO
SEE YOU AND FIND YOU WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!

I WAS DOING HER A FAVOR.

OH, JACK, HOW COULD YOU?

( crying ) AND I THOUGHT
I WAS THE ONLY ONE.

YOU ARE, YOU ARE. JANET MEANS
NOTHING TO ME, SHELLEY-WELLY.

OH, JACKY-WHACKY.

( gasps ) OH, YOU... YOU BEAST!

YOU BEAST! YOU BEAST!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! IT'S ALL RIGHT!
- ALL RIGHT?!

DID YOU HEAR THAT, ROLAND?
WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT?!

MILK, MORE MILK.

ANYBODY HERE CALL FOR A CAB?

YOU MISS, I THINK THE MOTOR'S
RUNNING. COME WITH ME.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

OKAY, MOTHER,
DADDY, I CAN EXPLAIN.

YOU CAN? BOY, I
GOTTA HEAR THIS ONE!

THIS IS A FAMILY AFFAIR, I DON'T
THINK THEY WANT US HANGING AROUND.

- COME ON, LET'S GO.
- HOLD IT, YOU!

JANET, PACK YOUR BAGS,
YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH US.

NO, NO, I'M NOT.

MOM AND DAD, THIS IS GONNA
COME AS QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU.

AND I CAN TELL YOU'RE GONNA
BE REALLY DISAPPOINTED,

BUT THE TRUTH
OF THE MATTER IS...

JACK AND I AREN'T MARRIED.

WHAT?

- NOT MARRIED?
- Janet: NO.

OH, ROLAND,
THEY'RE... NOT MARRIED!

IT'S WONDERFUL!

( Mr. and Mrs. Wood laughing )

AH, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF THEY'RE NOT MARRIED,

THEN THEY MUST
BE... LIVING TOGETHER.

( chattering )

I DON'T HEAR ANY SHOUTING.

- DO YOU THINK JACK'S
WINNING THEM OVER?
- OH, NEVER.

MY PARENTS ARE SO OLD FASHIONED.

OH, JACK! HOW DID IT GO?

I HAD 'EM EATING OUT OF MY HAND.

( screams ) OH!

EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT. I KNOW.

WELL, THANK THE
LORD, THAT'S SETTLED.

YES, DEAR, IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH
US FOR YOU TO GO ON LIVING HERE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
THE REST OF YOU,

BUT I AM READY FOR BED.

SO AM I. WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

- GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT, MAMA.

GOOD NIGHT, JACK.

GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.

- BOY, WHAT A RELIEF, HUH?
- REALLY.

- I THINK I'LL GO TO BED, TOO.
- OKAY, SWEETHEART.

- GOOD NIGHT, CINDY.
- GOOD NIGHT.

WELL...

LORDY, LORDY, LORDY,
LORDY, LORDY... AH!

JACK, SOMETIMES YOU
UTTERLY AMAZE ME.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

WELL, JANET, I JUST KNOW HOW
TO TALK TO PEOPLE... IT'S A GIFT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?

I CONVINCED THEM THAT THERE'S
NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN US,

BUT IF THEY WERE STILL WORRIED,

I'D TAKE A SOLEMN OATH
TO TREAT YOU LIKE A SISTER.

OH, JACK.

- THANKS, BROTHER.
- NOT SO FAST.

- I DIDN'T SAY MY SISTER.
- JACK, DON'T! JACK!

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )