Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 11 - Make Room for Daddy - full transcript

Jack plans a big night for his date with Cheryl, but her father shows up instead of Cheryl. He wants some tips on connecting with women. The father immediately puts the tips to use by asking Janet out.

( theme music playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

HEY, JANET, IS MY
SHIRT PRESSED YET?

OH, SORRY, JACK, I HAVEN'T
HAD A CHANCE TO GET TO IT.

IT'LL PROBABLY GET WRINKLED
AT THE WRESTLING MATCH ANYWAY.

WHAT WRESTLING MATCH? I THOUGHT
YOU AND CHERYL HAD A DATE HERE TONIGHT.

THAT WRESTLING MATCH. ( laughs )

COWABUNGA!

SAY, COULD YOU PUT
THAT ON A HANGER FOR ME?

NO WONDER YOU GOT A
CHEST COLD LAST WEEK.

JACK.



WHOO! YOU CAN SEE
RIGHT THROUGH THIS THING!

( doorbell rings )

- Janet: IT'S OPEN!
- HI, KIDS.

- Janet: HI.
- OH, HI, MR.FURLEY.

ENTERTAINING TONIGHT?

NO, SEE, MR. FURLEY, THIS
ISN'T MINE, IT BELONGS TO JANET.

OH... AND SHE LET'S YOU WEAR IT?

( hisses )

WHAT CAN WE DO
FOR YOU, MR. FURLEY?

OH, THEY DELIVERED THIS MAGAZINE
TO MY APARTMENT BY MISTAKE.

- OH.
- SOME KIND OF FREE,
INTRODUCTORY OFFER.

OH, THANKS.

OH, NO, LISTEN TO THIS.

"PSYCHIC PREDICTS
UNDERSEA PLANT LIFE

IS THE CURE FOR MALE
POTENCY PROBLEMS."

YEAH, CAN YOU BELIEVE THE THINGS
THEY'LL PRINT TO SELL MAGAZINES?

I JUST CAN'T GET OVER HOW
GULLIBLE SOME PEOPLE ARE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE, SEAWEED, THE
ANSWER TO MALE POTENCY PROBLEMS?

- HI, EVERYBODY!
- HI.

OH, MR. FURLEY, I BROUGHT THOSE
SEAWEED PILLS YOU ASKED FOR.

SEAWEED PILLS? I DIDN'T
ASK FOR ANY SEAWEED PILLS.

SURE YOU DID, THIS MORNING...

I SAID HAY FEVER
PILLS! HAY FEVER PILLS!

I GET STRONG HAY FEVER. IN FACT I
FEEL AN ATTACK COMING ON RIGHT NOW!

( sneezing loudly )

( sneezing continues )

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
- I DON'T KNOW, YOU GO FIND OUT.

AND YOU GO AFTER
HIM TOO, JANET. I THINK...

OH, JACK STOP IT. WE KNOW,
CHERYL IS COMING OVER.

- WE CAN TAKE A HINT.
- OH, OKAY, THANK YOU.

CINDY, COULD YOU HELP ME
MOVE THIS IRONING BOARD?

OH, DON'T BOTHER.
I CAN DO IT MYSELF.

- WOULD YOU JUST HOLD THE IRON?
- SURE.

THANKS.

JACK, YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO HOLD IT BY THE HANDLE.

- YEAH, I KNOW, I FORGOT.
- WELL, I'LL JUST GET THIS.

CINDY, WE GOT A LITTLE BIT
OF A PROBLEM HERE. CINDY...

- I'M SORRY.
- JUST LIFT IT UP.

( chattering )

( Jack screams )

LET ME GET IT, LET ME GET IT.

WHOO-OW!

GET BACK! BACK OFF, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, JUST...

- GET IT AWAY FROM ME.
- YEAH, I'LL GET IT...

I'LL GET THIS RIGHT
INTO THE KITCHEN.

IT'S ALIVE, ISN'T IT?

ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT IT?

I GOT THE IRON RIGHT
HERE. GOT IT, THANKS.

ANYTHING LEFT FOR ME TO DO?

NO, CINDY'S DONE
IT ALL, THANK YOU.

LET'S SEE. GOT THE CANDLES,
THE MATCHES, TABLE SET...

CHAMPAGNE... I FORGOT
THE CHAMPAGNE.

BE CAREFUL, JACK!
THAT'S A SWINGING DOOR.

RIGHT, RIGHT. CINDY, I'M
COMING IN THE KITCHEN NOW

TO GET A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

I GOT IT!

I GOT IT.

I'M NEVER GONNA BE
READY FOR CHERYL TONIGHT.

BY THE TIME SHE GETS
HERE, I'LL BE IN THE HOSPITAL!

COME ON, JACK, DON'T GET UPSET.

JANET, I CAN'T HELP IT.

LAST NIGHT, CHERYL AND
I COMPOSED A SYMPHONY.

AND TONIGHT...
WE'RE GONNA PLAY IT.

AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING
TO SPOIL MY EVENING.

- ( doorbell rings )
- THAT'S HER! THAT'S HER!

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO...

CINDY, LET'S GO. JACK, WILL YOU
PLEASE JUST THINK POSITIVELY?

NOTHING IS GOING TO SPOIL
YOUR EVENING WITH CHERYL.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

THINK POSITIVE, NOTHING IS GOING
TO SPOIL MY EVENING WITH CHERYL.

NOTHING IS GOING TO SPOIL
MY EVENING WITH CHERYL.

JACK TRIPPER? I'M ANDREW
GAINER, CHERYL'S FATHER.

SOMETHING JUST
SPOILED MY EVENING.

MAY I COME IN?

NO... I MEAN, YES...
I MEAN, PLEASE...

THERE'S NO WAY I WOULD NOT
INVITE YOU IN... YES, PLEASE.

THANK YOU. CHERYL SAID
SHE WAS COMING OVER HERE.

ONLY TO PICK ME UP AND THEN
WE'RE GOING RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN.

- THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, CHERYL...
- IS A VERY SPECIAL GIRL.

NOT LIKE ALL THE OTHERS,
NOT THAT I KNOW ANY OTHERS...

SINCE I MET CHERYL, I'M A ONE-WOMAN
KINDA GUY. NO OTHER WOMAN EXISTS.

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I
CAN'T FIND MY PANTYHOSE!

EXCEPT MY SISTER.

HI! SEE YA LATER, JACK.

MY... MY COUSIN.

MR. GAINER, I DON'T WANT TO
GIVE YOU THE WRONG IMPRESSION.

THIS IS A RESPECTABLE APARTMENT. NOTHING
GOES ON AROUND HERE AT ALL, NOTHING.

JACK! JACK!

I'VE DONE IT! I'VE DONE IT!

THE RAMSEY TWINS
ARE COMING OVER!

UH, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

BUT, YOU SHOULD BE.
DON'T YOU YOU SEE?

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR CHOICE.
IT WON'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

LARRY!

I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT INTERESTED.

OH... OH... OH! SURE!
WELL, WHO CAN BLAME YA?

YOU GOTTA BE WORN OUT FROM
THAT LADY YOU WERE WITH LAST NIGHT.

WHOA! TALK ABOUT
YOUR HICKEY BAIT!

- LARRY, THIS IS MR. GAINER.
- WHO?

- CHERYL'S FATHER.
- CHERYL?

THE "HICKEY BAIT."

WAIT A SECOND, I'M IN
THE WRONG APARTMENT.

THIS ISN'T 201.

WHERE AM I?

WHO ARE YOU?

GIVE UP, ALL RIGHT?
SIR, I HAVE A CONFESSION.

THOSE TWO GIRLS ARE
REALLY MY ROOMMATES, AND...

JACK, THE ONLY
REASON I STOPPED BY

WAS TO DROP OFF CHERYL'S
DRIVER'S LICENSE. SHE FORGOT IT.

THEN, YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED
IN MY LIVING ARRANGEMENT?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I'LL JUST LET YOU TWO GET TO
KNOW EACH OTHER A LITTLE BETTER.

I JUST DROPPED BY TO
BORROW SOME WINE, EXCUSE ME.

NICE HEARING FROM
YOUR MOUTH, LARRY.

SIT DOWN, JACK.

- LOOK, MR. GAINER, I JUST...
- JACK.

- EXCUSE ME.
- I...

- JACK.
- ( squeals )

YOU PROBABLY THINK SHARING AN
APARTMENT WITH TWO GIRLS IS HEALTHY.

YOU KNOW, CONTEMPORARY,
WITHOUT ANY HANG-UPS.

- WELL, UH...
- I AGREE WITH YOU.

YOU DO?

YOU SEE, JACK, SINCE MY
WIFE DIED SOME YEARS AGO,

I'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH
CHERYL AND HER FRIENDS AND...

I'VE COME TO UNDERSTAND AND...

ENVY THE OPENNESS
OF YOUR GENERATION.

- WELL, THANK YOU.
- AS A MATTER OF FACT...

- IF I WERE 20 YEARS YOUNGER...
- NOW, HANG ON A SECOND.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE OVER THE HILL.

YOU LOOK GREAT. HOW
OLD ARE YOU? 50? 55?

46.

YOU DON'T LOOK A DAY OVER 42.

I'M SURE THERE ARE GIRLS OUT
THERE THAT'D BE CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY SO, BUT,
I'M AFRAID TIME HAS PASSED ME BY.

I WOULDN'T FIT AND I
WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- IT'S SIMPLE, ALL YOU
NEED IS A FEW TIPS.
- TIPS? FROM WHO?

WELL, NATURALLY, FROM SOMEBODY
WHO'S BEEN AROUND, YOU KNOW?

SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS ABOUT WOMEN.

THANKS FOR THE BUILD-UP, JACK.

EXCUSE ME.

I BELIEVE THIS IS MY AREA.

MR. GAINER, ALL YOU'VE GOT
TO DO IS REMEMBER ONE THING.

WHEN IT COMES TO
TODAY'S LIBERATED WOMAN,

DON'T PLAY GAMES.

IT'S INSULTING TO
THEIR INTELLIGENCE.

DIRECTNESS IS THE
ONLY WAY TO GO.

YOU MEAN LIKE TELLING THEM
EXACTLY WHAT YOUR FEELINGS ARE?

NO, LIKE SPILLING
WINE ON HER DRESS.

IT'S NOT EASY GETTING AN INTELLIGENT
WOMAN OUT OF HER CLOTHES.

WHAT DOES O-U-T SPELL?

- THAT'S OUT.
- THAT'S YOU.

- I WAS JUST LEAVING.
- GOOD BYE.

A GENIUS IS NEVER
APPRECIATED IN HIS OWN TIME.

PLEASE, DON'T PAY ANY
ATTENTION TO HIM, MR. GAINER.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
RELY ON CHEAP SHOTS.

TODAY'S WOMAN IS FRANK,
SHE'S FREE, SHE'S OPEN.

YES, BUT HOW DO YOU HANDLE THAT?

FIRST OF ALL, AT THE BEGINNING,
DON'T COME ON STRONG.

YOU WANT TO RELAX,
LET YOUR HAIR DOWN...

LET ME PUT THAT ANOTHER WAY.

YOU WANT TO BE LAID BACK.

LAID BACK?

WELL, YOU KNOW,
SORTA LIKE... HEY.

OH, YOU MEAN LIKE... HEY.

MAYBE YOU JUST BETTER
TAKE OFF YOUR TIE.

THAT MIGHT BE AS LOOSE
AS YOU WANT TO GO.

I SEE, OKAY, THEN WHAT?

WELL, TALK TO HER,
ASK HER ABOUT HER JOB.

TODAY'S WOMAN IS
VERY INTELLIGENT.

WAIT, SHOULDN'T I COMPLIMENT HER ON
HER APPEARANCE? I MEAN, WE USED TO.

MMM...

YOU CAN IF YOU WANT, IT'S
A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED.

WHAT THE HELL, YEAH. TELL HER
YOU LIKE HER HAIR, YOU LIKE HER EYES.

I UNDERSTAND, I ASK
HER ABOUT HER JOB,

THEN I'D COMPLIMENT
HER ON HER APPEARANCE,

- ANYTHING ELSE?
- INVITE HER TO DINNER.

OH, RIGHT! TAKE HER OUT TO
THE FINEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN.

WRONG. TAKE HER TO A DARK,
INTIMATE LITTLE HIDEAWAY,

- LIKE THE BLUE GROTTO.
- THE BLUE GROTTO?

YEAH, AFTER BEING
IN A PLACE LIKE THAT,

SHE'LL BE IN THE RIGHT
MOOD FOR WHAT COMES NEXT.

WHAT... WHAT COMES NEXT?

YOU'RE KIDDING.

ONE OTHER THING, EVEN
THOUGH HER LIPS MAY SAY "STOP,"

HER EYES WILL SAY "GO."

( no audible dialogue )

OKAY, JACK, I'M GONNA... OH.

JANET, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MR. GAINER, CHERYL'S FATHER.

- OH, HOW DO YOU DO?
- HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR JOB?

MY JOB? JACK MUST
HAVE TOLD YOU THAT I...

AH, YOU HAVE THE LOVELIEST EYES.

THANK YOU.

IT'S A LITTLE WARM
IN HERE, ISN'T IT.

YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU
DO YOUR HAIR, I JUST LOVE IT.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

( stammers ) HANG ON,
HANG ON. THERE'S ONE...

- MR. GAINER, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE A GLASS OF WINE?
- ANDREW, AND I WOULD LOVE IT.

SORRY, WE HAVE NO WINE, ALL WE'VE GOT IS
THIS BOTTLE OF TIJUANA CHAMPAGNE HERE.

- WHY DON'T WE GO OUT
FOR THAT DRINK?
- I WOULD LIKE THAT.

I'D RATHER STAY HERE.

GOOD, WE'D RATHER
YOU STAYED HERE TOO.

- I'LL JUST GO
AND GET MY PURSE.
- OKAY.

MR. GAINER, COULD I SPEAK
TO YOU FOR JUST ONE SECOND?

SURE.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE
GONNA ASK JANET OUT.

NEITHER DID I.

BUT WITH YOUR HELP, EVERYTHING
SEEMS TO BE GOING SO GREAT.

- THANKS.
- WAIT... WAIT, I DIDN'T MEAN...

DON'T WORRY, I CAN HANDLE
IT MYSELF FROM HERE ON OUT.

- JANET, ARE YOU READY?
- YES.

HAVE A WONDERFUL EVENING, JACK.

- WHERE ARE WE GONNA GO?
- I KNOW JUST THE SPOT FOR US.

EVER HEARD OF A PLACE
CALLED THE BLUE GROTTO?

( loud pop )

HI, JACK. I DIDN'T KNOW
JANET'S FATHER WAS IN TOWN.

THAT WASN'T HER FATHER,
THAT WAS HER DATE!

HER DATE?!

- BUT HE... HE'S MY AGE.
- AND WHAT'S MORE,
HE'S ON THE MAKE!

WHAT?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

A MIDDLE-AGED MAN LIKE THAT,
RUNNING AROUND TOWN, CHASING GIRLS.

TRYING TO MAKE OUT AND...

- HEY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- MR. FURLEY!

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO? SIT IN
A ROCKING CHAIR AND TAKE UP KNITTING?

NO, NO, MR. FURLEY...

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE A
TAD PAST THE AGE OF 21

DOESN'T MEAN WE'VE LOST
THAT OLD URGE TO MERGE!

MR. FURLEY, WHAT ABOUT JANET?

OH, YOU THINK I COULD
GET LUCKY WITH HER?

YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE CANDLE
LIGHT, WINE AND SOFT MUSIC...

MR. FURLEY! WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT OUR JANET AND THAT OLD MAN!

YEAH, YOU BETTER DO
SOMETHING ABOUT HIM!

- LIKE WHAT?
- TELL THAT OVER-THE-HILL
DON JUAN TO BUZZ OFF!

- BE A MAN!
- OH, I CAN'T.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I
KEEP FORGETTING.

YOU CAN STILL TELL
HIM TO BUZZ OFF.

I CAN'T, JANET WOULD KILL ME.

- CHERYL!
- JACK, DID I JUST SEE
MY FATHER LEAVE WITH JANET?

YES! AND HE SHOULD
BE ASHAMED OF HIMSELF!

HE'S OLD ENOUGH
TO BE YOUR FATHER!

MY FATHER AND JANET?!

ON A DATE?

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I KNEW YOU'D FEEL THE
SAME WAS AS... WHAT?!

WELL, IT'S THE FIRST TIME
DAD'S BEEN OUT IN YEARS.

THAT'S WHY WE CAN'T
LEAVE THEM ALONE!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHEN YOU'VE GONE WITHOUT
WATER FOR A LONG TIME,

YOU CAN GET AWFULLY THIRSTY.

OH, JACK, I HAD NO IDEA
JANET WAS THAT DESPERATE!

ARE YOU KIDDING... NOT
JANET, YOUR FATHER!

( laughs ) OH, THE POOR
MAN'S BEEN SO LONELY,

HE'S PROBABLY FORGOTTEN
WHAT TO DO WITH A WOMAN.

NOT ANYMORE, I
JUST REMINDED HIM.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
TWO CONSENTING ADULTS.

NO, WE'RE NOT. I NEVER
CONSENTED TO ANYTHING.

NOT YOU.

NOW, STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM.

AND START THINKING ABOUT US.

I'D BETTER GO AFTER JANET.

NO, YOU WON'T. WE'RE
NOT LEAVING HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE, I
JUST... LOOK AT THIS!

SHE FORGOT TO TAKE
HER ALLERGY PILLS!

- JACK, IS THIS A TRICK?
- DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TRICK?

- 99% ORGANIC SEAWEED?
- RIGHT.

WHAT'S SHE ALLERGIC
TO, THE OCEAN?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I GOTTA GET THESE
TO HER BEFORE HIGH TIDE, COME ON.

( chattering )

( light jazz piano playing )

MY, IT'S DARK IN HERE.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I CAN'T EVEN
SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE.

THAT'S NOT WHERE YOU HAND IS.

( laughs ) OH, I'M SORRY.

- YES?
- OH, HI.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKING FOR A COUPLE, AN
OLDER MAN WITH A YOUNG WOMAN.

THAT'S ALL WE GOT
HERE, TAKE YOUR PICK.

LET'S TRY OVER HERE.

( clattering )

- JACK, IS THAT YOU?
- JANET, HI.

- WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?
- DON'T WORRY, DADDY,
WE'RE NOT STAYING.

OH, WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT.

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED, WE'LL STAY.

- JACK!
- CHERYL, YOU SIT
NEXT TO YOUR FATHER.

AND I'LL SIT NEXT TO MY GOOD
FRIEND, JAN... ISN'T THIS COZY?

JACK, AREN'T YOU
FORGETTING WHY WE'RE HERE?

JUST WHY ARE YOU HERE?

JACK WAS CONCERNED 'CAUSE JANET WENT
OUT ON A DATE WITHOUT TAKING HER PILL.

MY WHAT?

( stammers ) YOUR SEAWEED PILLS.

SHE'S ALWAYS FORGETTING,
WE HAVE TO REMIND HER,

BUT, STILL SHE GETS BY WITH A
LITTLE KELP FROM HER FRIENDS.

IT'S... KELP, SEAWEED,
SONG, SAILORS...

SPEAKING OF WEEDS, JACK, COULDN'T YOU
DISAPPEAR AND SPRING UP SOMEPLACE ELSE?

( laughing )

PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO SOMEWHERE
ELSE AND GET A BITE TO EAT.

- I'D LOVE THAT...
- NOT YOU, JACK, JUST JANET AND ME.

HEY, THAT'S FAIR. WHY DON'T WE
HAVE JUST ONE LITTLE FAREWELL DRINK?

- JACK!
- IT'LL BE REAL QUICK... WAITER!

- IT'LL HAPPEN REAL QUICK.
- YES? YES?

WHAT KIND OF WINES DO YOU HAVE?

- WELL, WE'VE GOT...
- WE'LL EACH HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE WINE.

FOUR WHITE WINES.

WAITER, WITH A LITTLE CLUB SODA.

FOUR WHITE WINE SPRITZERS.

YEAH, WAITER, I'M SORRY,
YOU BUSY? ONE MOMENT.

A SPLASH OF
GRENADINE IN EACH ONE.

- GRENADINE?
- YEAH, AND THROW IN
AN OUNCE OF RUM.

THAT'S MY OWN DRINK, I CALL
IT "THE TRIPPER SPRITZER."

I'D HATE TO TELL
YOU WHAT I CALL IT.

I'M WITH YOU, BUDDY.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE
US FOR JUST A MOMENT?

- JACK, MAY I SPEAK TO YOU?
- UH, YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE
YOU TRYING TO PULL?
- I'M TRYING TO WARN YOU...

AH-AH-AH! DON'T YOU DARE
SAY ANOTHER WORD, JACK.

ANDREW IS ONE OF THE MOST
CONSIDERATE MEN I'VE EVER BEEN OUT WITH.

JANET, I'M SHOCKED AT
HOW EASILY YOU'RE FOOLED.

THE MAN IS ONLY AFTER ONE THING!

AH! LOOK AT THE POT
CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK.

IT'S NOT YOUR KETTLE HE'S AFTER.

AND JUST HOW DO YOU KNOW?

LISTEN, ANY GUY WHO WOULD
ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR JOB,

COMPLIMENT YOUR HAIR AND
TAKE OFF HIS TIE ON THE FIRST DATE

IS ONLY AFTER ONE THING.

- WHAT?!
- THAT'S RIGHT!

NOW, I'LL MAKE AN EXCUSE AND
MEET YOU AT THE DOOR, MOVE.

JACK! NOW LISTEN TO ME.

- JANET, I CAN'T BREATHE.
- THAT IS THE IDEA.

JACK, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GO ON
A DATE IS UP TO ME, NOT YOU, RIGHT?

- MM-HMM.
- AND YOU ARE NEVER GONNA
INTERFERE AGAIN, RIGHT?

- NO, I'M NOT.
- YOU ABSOLUTELY PROMISE?

- SOUL PROMISE.
- OKAY, YOU CAN BREATHE NOW.

I PAID THE CHECK, WHY
DON'T WE GET OUT OF HERE?

- GOOD IDEA.
- JACK!

YOU ARE NOT THINKING
OF FOLLOWING US, ARE YOU?

- NO, NO, NO.
- GOOD. YOU JUST
SAVED YOUR LIFE.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I GUESS JANET CAN
TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.

I... I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HER.

I KNOW.

BUT NOW, IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO?

WHAT?

NOTHING.

GOOD BYE.

NONE FOR ME, THANKS.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

- YES, WE CERTAINLY ARE.
- AREN'T YOU COMING IN?

WELL, IF YOU REALLY WANT ME TO.

WELL, WHY WOULDN'T I? I'M
HAVING A LOVELY EVENING.

- YOU ARE?
- YES.

OH, THEN, DON'T WE... WE, UM...

WHY DON'T WE WHAT?

WE... SAY GOOD NIGHT.

ANDREW, NO! COME ON.

COME AND SIT DOWN FOR A WHILE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"GO," IT'S VERY EARLY YET.

- SIT.
- WELL, THANK YOU.

NOW, TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.

- WELL, I...
- I KNOW, YOU'RE NERVOUS, AREN'T YOU?

IS IT THAT OBVIOUS?

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU BE? YOU HAVEN'T
HAD A DATE IN A VERY LONG TIME.

SO, WHY DON'T JUST
RELAX AND DO WHATEVER

COMES NATURALLY AND
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

- YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?
- YES, OF COURSE I DO.

WELL, I'M SO GLAD
YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

MAKES IT A LOT EASIER.

( screams ) ANDREW!

- STOP IT!
- YOUR LIPS MY SAY "STOP,"
BUT YOUR EYES SAY "GO."

NO, THEY DON'T! NO, THEY DON'T!

- YES...
- NO! ANDREW!

- HI!
- OH, YOU'RE NOT FINISHED
WITH YOUR DATE YET.

- I'LL COME BACK.
- NO! NO! DON'T GO.

THAT'S RIGHT, CINDY.

I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOING.

DO YOU REALIZE, I'M
A MIDDLE-AGED MAN,

VICE-PRESIDENT OF A BANK
WITH A GROWN DAUGHTER

AND HERE I AM ACTING
LIKE A COMPLETE NERF.

- THAT'S NERD.
- THANK YOU.

WAIT.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY...

WELL, BECAUSE THESE DAYS, I THOUGHT
THAT'S WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO ON A DATE.

I WAS WRONG.

I'M SORRY I RUINED YOUR EVENING.

NO, YOU DIDN'T RUIN MY...

LOOK, YOU CAN'T GO YET, THERE'S
STILL SOME CHAMPAGNE LEFT

AND WE CAN'T LET IT GO TO WASTE.
EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN AND LET'S HAVE A DRINK.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO?
- YES, I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE.

- THANK YOU.
- I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND,
IT LOOKS A LITTLE BIT FLAT.

- HERE, CINDY,
THAT'S FOR ANDREW.
- GREAT.

- BE CAREFUL, CINDY.
- WHAT?

- AH!
- OH, I'M SORRY!

HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

- TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF.
- JANET!

WE HAVE TO GET THE
STAIN OUT BEFORE IT SETS.

- OH.
- OH.

ANDREW, YOU CAN CHANGE IN
MY BEDROOM, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

- ALL RIGHT. YEAH.
- THERE YOU GO.

- I'M SORRY.
- OH, IT GOT ALL
OVER THE COUCH TOO!

WELL, GO IN THE KITCHEN AND GET THE
DISH PAN AND PUT SOME COLD WATER IN IT.

- AND SEE IF WE HAVE
A CLEAN SPONGE.
- OKAY.

- JANET?
- YES?

- HERE THEY ARE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

- THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
THE WAY I HAD IT PLANNED.
- I KNOW.

YOU CAN WEAR ONE OF
JACK'S ROBES. THERE'S A

CLEAN ONE IN THAT
LAUNDRY BASKET ON MY BED.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- UH-HUH.

- ( knocking )
- JANET!

COME ON, JANET, OPEN
UP. I WANT TO APOL...

WELL, HELLO AGAIN.

YOU DIDN'T...

- WELL, YOU SEE JACK...
- YOU DID!

OH, MY GOD! AND YOU COULDN'T
EVEN WAIT TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES!

JACK, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. YOU SEE, JANET...

IS PROBABLY IN THERE CRYING
HER EYES OUT RIGHT NOW.

WHAT HAVE I DONE!

LOOK, I DON'T BLAME YOU. AND I
DON'T BLAME JANET, I BLAME MYSELF.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

IF ONLY I HADN'T TOLD YOU HOW EASY
IT WAS TO SCORE WITH WOMEN TODAY.

HOW GULLIBLE THEY ARE, HOW EASILY
THEY'RE FOOLED BY THE SIMPLEST COME-ONS.

POOR, LITTLE, HOPELESS,
EMPTY-HEADED JANET.

JANET.

DON'T STOP, JACK, I'M LEARNING
A LOT FROM WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

( stammers ) NO, SEE,
I WAS JUST... I... I... I...

CINDY IS GETTING THE CHAMPAGNE
STAIN OUT OF YOUR PANTS.

- OH, THANK YOU.
- CHAM... CHAMPAGNE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S WHY... I
KNEW... I THOUGHT... I FIGURED...

- NOW, LET ME SEE
IF I GOT THIS STRAIGHT.
- OW!

WOMEN ARE VERY GULLIBLE.

WELL, NO, SEE...

AND WE CAN BE FOOLED BY
THE EASIEST OF COME-ONS.

- YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT OF CONTEXT...
- IT'S VERY EASY TO SCORE...

- WITH US EMPTY-HEADED WOMEN.
- WELL, NO, NO, I...

OKAY, BUSTER, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING, JACK.

I THINK I GOTTA GO HELP CINDY
AND SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH THE...

WHOA! ( laughing )

A LITTLE SUDSY WATER, THERE.

- SHE MISSED ME.
- OH, TOO BAD.

( phone ringing )

- HELLO?
- JACK! THE MOST WONDERFUL
THING HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

- YOU'RE JUST GONNA DIE
WHEN YOU FIND OUT ABOUT IT!
- THAT'S GREAT, WHAT IS IT?

- OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU.
- WHY... WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT
IT IN THE LETTER I JUST SENT YOU.

- So?
- SO, YOU'LL BE GETTING
IT IN A DAY OR SO.

IF I TELL YA NOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO ME YESTERDAY,

WHAT'S THE POINT OF
WAITING 'TIL TOMORROW

TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU
ALREADY KNOW TODAY?

HELLO! JACK, I THINK WE
HAVE A BAD CONNECTION.

YOU CERTAINLY DO.

LOOK, CHRISSY, IF IT'S GOOD
NEWS, WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT?

- YOU'VE GOT ME ON THE PHONE.
- OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU DON'T NEED
THE LETTER, DO YOU?

( gasps ) IF I HURRY, I CAN CATCH MY
DAD BEFORE HE MAILS IT. BYE, JACK.

CHRISSY, HANG ON!
CHRISSY, WAIT! WAIT!

CHRIS!

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )

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