Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 5, Episode 13 - Father of the Bride - full transcript

Wealthy man Winston Cromwell III wants to marry Cindy and tries to pamper her with loads of expensive gifts. Unimpressed, Cindy wants Jack and Janet to help turn Winston away. Jack poses as Cindy's brother and plans to tell Winston that his family want nothing to do with him. When Winston offers a job for Jack at a French Chateau, Jack accepts the offer and welcomes Winston to the "family," putting Cindy in a bind.

( theme music playing )

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE IS COMPANY TOO. ♪

WELL, YOU WON'T BE
BOTHERED BY THE DRIP ANYMORE.

THANK YOU.

AT LEAST NOT UNTIL
JACK COMES BACK.

- GOOD BYE, MR. FURLEY.
- OH, YEAH.

HEY, I JUST STARTED
READING THAT MYSELF.

- YOU DID?
- YEAH, THAT BOOK REALLY
GRABS YOU, DOESN'T IT?

- UH-HUH.
- IT'S GOT SOME
GREAT CHARACTERS.

OH, YEAH! OH, MR. FURLEY,

I WAS SO MAD WHEN HENRY
RAN AWAY WITH MARGE'S NURSE.



I'M NOT UP TO THAT PART YET.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS!

I'M SORRY.

WHY DID MARGE NEED A NURSE?

- THE BRAIN SURGERY.
- YEAH...?

AFTER THE AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.

DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING MORE! YOU'RE
SPOILING THE WHOLE THING FOR ME.

HEY, YOU ASKED ME.

I KNOW, ALL RIGHT,
NO MORE QUESTIONS.

I GOTTA BE GOING ANYWAY.

DID SHE HAVE A GOOD DOCTOR?

MR. FURLEY, YOU SAID
NO MORE QUESTIONS.

JUST TELL ME ABOUT THE DOCTOR.

SHE HAD THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY.

THEN I KNOW HOW IT TURNS OUT.

- NO, YOU DON'T!
- WELL, IF THEY GOT
THE BEST DOCTOR...

YEAH, BUT THERE WERE
UNFORESEEN CIRCUMSTANCES.

LIKE WHAT?

THE DOCTOR'S CAR BREAKS
DOWN ON THIS DESERTED ROAD...

HE DIDN'T MAKE IT AND SHE DIES!

NO, THERE'S THIS YOUNG
BRILLIANT INTERN AT THE HOSPITAL.

- HE STEPS IN...
- I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME!

I WANT TO READ IT MYSELF!

OKAY, OKAY!

I SURE HOPE IT TURNS OUT
ALL RIGHT, THOUGH, DON'T YOU?

OH, YEAH, I'M A SUCKER
FOR A HAPPY ENDING, TOO.

HEY, DON'T JUMP TO THE END,
YOU'LL SPOIL IT FOR YOURSELF.

OH, HOW AWFUL!

NOW YOU'RE SPOILING IT FOR ME!

- I'M SORRY.
- STOOL PIGEON!

JACK, YOU TELL JANET
IT'S NOT NICE TO PEEK!

DAMN IT!

OH, THAT MAN MAKES ME SO MAD.

- OH, DON'T BOTHER
ABOUT MR. FURLEY.
- NO, IT'S NOT FURLEY,

IT'S WINSTON CROMWELL III.

YOU MEAN WINSTON
CROMWELL "THE NERD."

DID HE ASK YOU TO
MARRY HIM AGAIN?

YES, FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME!

THAT'S TERRIBLE!

THE GUY'S OBVIOUSLY
NUTS ABOUT YOU.

HE'S NOT NUTS ABOUT ME,
HE'S NUTS ABOUT HIMSELF.

AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S RICH HE
THINKS HE CAN BUY ANYTHING HE WANTS.

- HOW MUCH MONEY DOES HE HAVE?
- MILLIONS, BUT HE CAN'T BUY ME.

HE COULD RENT ME.

WHEN MY BOSS INTRODUCED
US, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE SMILED.

I SHOULD HAVE
LOOKED AT HIM LIKE THIS.

HAVE YOU DEFINITELY
TOLD HIM "NO"?

YES, I'VE TOLD HIM
"NO" A THOUSAND TIMES.

WHY CAN'T MEN TAKE
"NO" FOR AN ANSWER?

LOOK WHO SHE'S ASKING.

- ( doorbell rings )
- OH, THAT'S PROBABLY MORE
FLOWERS FROM WINSTON.

HE'S BEEN SENDING THEM
ALL DAY. I DON'T WANT THEM!

I WANT YOU TO DO
SOMETHING FOR ME.

GO IN THERE, POUR YOURSELF A
COLD GLASS OF MILK AND RELAX.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS,
ALL RIGHT? NO PROBLEM.

- I HAVE A TELEGRAM
FOR MISS CINDY SNOW.
- I'LL TAKE IT.

I'M SUPPOSED TO DELIVER
THIS TO MISS SNOW PERSONALLY.

SHE'S NOT AVAILABLE.
IT'S ME OR NOTHING.

OKAY... A SINGING
TELEGRAM FOR MY DARLING.

( blows tuning note )

♪ YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪

♪ I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ♪

♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME ♪

♪ WHAT I CRY FOR ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU GOT
THE KIND OF KISSES ♪

♪ THAT I'D DIE FOR. ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU MADE ME ♪

♪ LOVE YO-OU. ♪

- MR. FURLEY, LISTEN...
- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WHAT TWO CONSENTING
ADULTS SING TO EACH OTHER

IS THEIR BUSINESS.

BUT FOR HEAVEN SAKES,
PLEASE CLOSE THE DOOR!

- I'LL GIVE HER THE MESSAGE.
- DIDN'T YOU FORGET SOMETHING?

YEAH, THANKS.

OH, I FORGOT, THERE'S A "P.S."

( blows tuning note )

( raspberry )

♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME WHAT I CRY FOR... ♪

THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO
LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE'S MAIL.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO. I FELT LIKE SUCH A FOOL!

( doorbell rings )

THAT'S PROBABLY SOMETHING
ELSE FROM WINSTON.

- JACK, WILL YOU GET IT?
- NO, ONCE WAS ENOUGH. JANET, YOUR TURN.

- I'M GONNA GO WASH UP.
- YOU ARE WASHED-UP!

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
CINDY SNOW, I'M NOT HERE!

CINDY, TAKE IT EASY.

MAYBE IT'S NOT EVEN FOR YOU.

PEEK-A-BOO!

AND CUCHY-COO TO YOU.

I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE CINDY.

YOU HAVE TO BE WINSTON.

I'M CINDY'S ROOMMATE, JANET.

AH, ANOTHER BEAUTY.

IF I HADN'T MET CINDY FIRST...

EH... WINSTON,
CINDY IS NOT HERE.

YES, SHE IS. I HEARD HER VOICE.

LITTLE DARLING'S
PLAYING HIDE-AND SEEK.

OOH, I LOVE GAMES!

CI-NDY... WHERE ARE YOU?

- WINSTON...
- SHH, DON'T TELL ME.

CIN-DY!

SHE'S NOT IN HERE!

OH MY GOD.

CIN-DY! WHERE ARE Y...

- I...
- NO, NO, NO,

I WAS SUPPOSED TO
FIND YOU, MY DEAR.

- I'M NOT YOUR DEAR!
- OH, BUT YOU WILL BE.

MEANWHILE, PLEASE ACCEPT THIS
SMALL TOKEN OF MY LOVE AND ADMIRATION.

NO, I DON'T WANT THEM!

YOU REMIND ME OF MY THIRD WIFE.

SHE KEPT SAYING "NO," TOO.

BUT ONLY TO ME.

YOUR THIRD WIFE? HOW MANY
TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

- FIVE TIMES, IF YOU
COUNT ELEANOR.
- ELEANOR?

SHE DISAPPEARED ON OUR WEDDING
NIGHT SO YOU CAN'T COUNT HER.

YOU, YOU! YOU WILL BE MY LAST.

NO, I WON'T!

WINSTON, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT
YOU ARE BOTHERING THIS GIRL?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
OVER DINNER TONIGHT.

I'LL PICK YOU UP IN THE
LIMOUSINE ABOUT EIGHT.

I'M NOT GOING OUT WITH YOU!

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

PUT THOSE IN WATER AND MAKE SURE
SHE'S READY ON TIME, HUH? THANKS.

THERE'S A GOOD KID.

HE TIPPED ME!

10 BUCKS.

NOW DO YOU SEE
WHAT I'M UP AGAINST?

Janet: YES!

- HOLY COW!
- I WISH MY FATHER WAS HERE.

HE'D KNOW WHAT TO DO.

WELL, HE'S NOT, SO WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING.

- LIKE WHAT?
- I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW. WINSTON'S NEVER
MET YOUR FAMILY, HAS HE?

- NO.
- WELL, THEN AS FAR
AS HE'S CONCERNED,

YOUR BROTHER COULD BE
HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I DON'T HAVE A BROTHER.

WE CAN TAKE CARE
OF THAT RIGHT NOW.

JANET, EVEN IF MY
PARENTS STARTED TODAY...

CINDY...

I MEAN WE WILL GET SOMEBODY
TO PRETEND HE'S YOUR BROTHER.

HEY, JACK, WOULD YOU
COME OUT HERE QUICK?

- WHAT'S UP?
- COME, HERE, HURRY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HE'S PERFECT!

WELL, NOT PERFECT...
SPECIAL, MAYBE...

CERTAINLY NOT PERFECTION...

OH, HE CAN DO IT!

YOU BET I CAN! COME TO
MY ROOM, MAMA. WHOO!

WHAT?

- YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE.
- WHAT?

CINDY CAN NOT GET RID OF WINSTON
'CAUSE HE JUST WON'T TAKE HER SERIOUSLY.

BUT IF ANOTHER MEMBER
OF HER FAMILY SPOKE TO HIM,

SAY, HER OLDER
BROTHER NAMED JACK...?

- OH, NO.
- OH, YEAH.

- NO, NO, NO...
- PLEASE, JACK.

IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.

- LET ME THINK ABOUT IT.
- OH, THANK YOU!

HANG ON, I'M STILL THINKING.

HEY, THINKING'S OVER.

EXCUSE ME.

LOOK, HE HAS NEVER MET YOU, SO IF
CINDY INTRODUCES YOU AS HER BROTHER,

HE'LL NEVER KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE. THEN ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

IS TELL HIM AS HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD
YOU REFUSE TO LET HER MARRY HIM.

YOU MEAN SOMETHING
LIKE, "WINSTON,

I CAN NOT CONDONE THIS MARRIAGE.

WE'RE A POOR BUT PROUD FAMILY.

CINDY IS MUCH TOO PRECIOUS
TO BE WASTED ON JUST

ANY OLD MILLIONAIRE,

SO TAKE YOUR FLOWERS
AND SHOVE OFF!"

- WAS THAT ALL RIGHT?
- Cindy: ALL RIGHTY,
THAT'S GREAT!

- THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
- I CAN DO THAT. HI, SIS.

BOY, THIS IS SOME MENU.

NO, NO, LET ME ORDER.

DON'T BOTHER. WHAT
MY BROTHER HAS TO SAY

WILL ONLY TAKE A FEW
MINUTES, THEN WE'LL BE LEAVING.

- RIGHT, JACK?
- RIGHT, SIS.

( clears throat )

- MR. CROMWELL...
- WINSTON.

WINSTON... WE'RE A
POOR BUT PROUD FAMILY...

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH
GOURMET FOOD, MR. SNOW?

- JACK.
- MR. SNOW.

GOURMET FOOD? I'M
A PROFESSIONAL CHEF.

THEN YOU'D BE VERY INTERESTED
IN OUR LOBSTER THERMADOR.

"OUR" LOBSTER THERMADOR?

OH, YES, YOU SEE, I
OWN THIS RESTAURANT.

HE OWNS THIS RESTAURANT.

I'D LIKE TO TRY
IT, BUT $37.50...

OH, DON'T LET THE
CHEAP PRICE FOOL YOU.

I ASSURE YOU IT'S VERY GOOD.
BUT YOU ORDER ANYTHING YOU WANT.

YOU'RE MY GUESTS.

I THINK WE HAVE TIME
FOR A LITTLE SNACK.

( shrieks )

WINSTON... WE'RE A
POOR BUT PROUD FAMILY...

YOU MUST TRY SOME OF THIS
WINE FROM MY PRIVATE CELLAR.

I WOULD CONSIDER IT A FAVOR IF
SOMEONE WITH YOUR KNOWLEDGE

WOULD GIVE ME AN OPINION OF IT.

WELL, I OWE THE MAN THAT MUCH.

BROTHER, DEAR, DON'T YOU
THINK YOU HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK

IN THE LIMOUSINE
COMING OVER HERE?

JUST A FEW BRANDIES TO
HELP COMBAT CAR SICKNESS.

( hiccups )

- DOWN THE HATCH.
- UP YOUR DIVIDENDS.

MMM, NOT BAD, NOT BAD AT ALL.

AN IMPUDENT LITTLE
WINE, VERY GOOD.

IT SHOULD BE, FOR
$185.00 A BOTTLE.

VERY GOOD.

NOW THAT YOU'VE GOT HIS
ATTENTION, BROTHER DEAR,

TELL HIM THE BAD NEWS.

RIGHT.

WIN, WE'RE A PURE
BUT PLOWED FAMILY...

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I KNOW. YOU'RE AFRAID THAT
SOMEONE WITH MY RESPONSIBILITIES

WOULD SPEND SO MUCH OF
HIS TIME AWAY FROM HOME.

WIN, WE'RE A POOR
BUT PWOUD PAMILY...

YOU SEE, JACK, THERE
WOULD BE NO CHILDREN.

I DON'T LIKE THEM.

SO, CINDY WOULD HAVE
ALL OF MY DEVOTION.

CINDY IS MUCH TOO PRECIOUS.

WHICH IS WHY SHE'D NEVER
BE FAR AWAY FROM ME.

SHE WOULD STAY IN OUR
CHATEAU OUTSIDE OF PARIS.

- CHATEAU?
- OR IN ONE OF THE TOWNHOUSES
OUTSIDE OF ROME AND ZURICH.

ALL OF THESE ARE FULLY STAFFED.

WELL, CINDY... FULLY STAFFED?

OW!

OW-OUR CINDY IS
MUCH TOO PRECIOUS.

OF COURSE YOU'RE WELCOME
TO STAY THERE TOO, JACK.

- I AM?
- AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

IN FACT, YOU COULD BE A BIG HELP TO
ME IN REORGANIZING MY KITCHEN STAFFS.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- NOT ONLY IN THE CHATEAUS,

BUT IN MY GOURMET
RESTAURANTS ALL OVER THE WORLD!

YOU'D BE HEAD CHEF, OF COURSE.

HEAD CH... YOU MEAN LIKE
"COMMANDER-IN-CHEF"?

YES, AND I'M PREPARED TO
PAY YOU AN ENORMOUS SALARY.

THE SKY'S THE LIMIT. NOW
HOW DOES THAT STRIKE YOU?

WELCOME TO OUR
POOR BUT PROUD FAMILY.

- JACK!
- HI.

WHAT ARE YOU TIPPY-TOEING FOR?

I JUST DIDN'T WANT
TO DISTURB CINDY.

YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO FACE HER, YOU BIG COWARD.

NOT AFTER LAST NIGHT, I
DIDN'T. BOY WAS SHE MAD AT ME.

HER FACED WAS ALL FLUSHED, HER
MOUTH WAS CURVED INTO A SNARL,

HER EYES WERE TWO NARROW SLITS,

YEAH, JUST LIKE THAT.

OF ALL THE DUMB STUPID STUNTS!

HI, CINDY, FEELING BETTER?

OF ALL THE DUMB, STUPID STUNTS!

WHAT DID YOU GUYS
DO, COMPARE NOTES?

YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!

I SAID I WAS SORRY. WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO, KILL MYSELF?

IT WOULD BE A START.

WINSTON THINKS I'M
GOING TO MARRY HIM.

NOW WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

- I'LL THINK OF SOME...
- ( doorbell rings )

- IT'S HIM!
- I'LL GET RID OF HIM.

NO PROBLEM, I'LL JUST
TELL HIM TO LEAVE.

JACK, WINSTON HAS GOT TO
BE TOLD ONCE AND FOR ALL

THAT CINDY NEVER
WANTS TO SEE HIM AGAIN,

- AND THIS TIME IT'S
GOT TO BE DONE RIGHT.
- GOTCHA.

- SO I WILL DO IT.
- WELL, J...

ALL RIGHT, WINSTON, HERE IT IS.

CINDY NEVER WANTS TO SEE
YOU AGAIN AS LO... OH MY GOD!

( gasps ) WOULD YOU LOOK
AT THE SIZE OF THAT ROCK!

CINDY, COME HERE,
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS!

THAT'S TELLING HIM,
JANET. GET OVER HERE!

- I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
- WINSTON, I...

I KNOW IT'S NOT MUCH, BUT
IT'S THE LARGEST ONE THEY HAD.

I RESERVED THE
CHURCH FOR TONIGHT.

IT WASN'T EASY, BUT THE
BISHOP OWES ME A FAVOR.

AS A MATTER OF
FACT, SO DOES GOD.

- I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED...
- BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A WEDDING GOWN.

WE'RE GONNA FIX
THAT. MADAME CLARA!

( whistles )

FOR THE HAPPY AND
BEAUTIFUL BRIDE,

UH, MISS CINDY SNOW, OUR LATEST
AND MOST EXCLUSIVE DESIGNS.

ADDING SOPHISTICATION
TO THE TRADITIONAL GOWN,

A WHITE EDITH ANA
OFF CLEAR WAYS.

THE BODY IS SEATED WITH
PEARLS AND IRIDESCENT STONES.

THEN WATCH HER BACK
CASCADE INTO A TRAIN.

THE TURBAN WILL ENHANCE
THE BEAUTY OF ANY BRIDE.

NO, WINSTON, NO.

WELL, MAYBE THE NEXT ONE.

AND HERE IS OUR GUINEVERE GOWN,

EMBROIDERED FRENCH LACE
BODICE COMPLETELY MISTED

IN CRYSTAL SEQUINS
AND MINUTE JEWELS.

IT HAS FLOWING MEDIEVAL SLEEVES

AND A LAYERED CHIFFON SKIRT.

JACK!

AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY ANYTHING?

YEAH, I LIKE THIS ONE.

MAKES YOU WANT TO FORGET THE
WEDDING AND SKIP TO THE HONEYMOON!

AND OUR NEXT DESIGN IS
FOR THE GIBSON GIRL BRIDE

IN IVORY IMPORTED LACE.

BRACELET-LENGTH SLEEVES ARE
OVERLAYED WITH SILK ORGANZA.

A CORONET OF CRYSTAL AND
FLOWERS TOP A FINGER-LENGTH VEIL.

( Jack whispering )

SEE YOU LATER, OKAY?
MAYBE WE COULD...

EXCUSE ME.

YOU HAVE TO SAY
SOMETHING TO WINSTON!

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. EXCUSE ME.

- LOOK, WINSTON...
- YES, JACK?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANT TO
GO THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY

AFTER YOU HEAR
WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY.

WE LIED TO YOU. I'M
NOT CINDY'S BROTHER.

- I ALREADY KNEW THAT.
- YOU DID?

YES, I KNEW YOU COULDN'T
BE FROM THE SAME FAMILY

BECAUSE OF YOUR LOW FOREHEAD
AND YOUR LITTLE BEADY EYES.

THAT'S THE ONE I'M HOPING
YOU PICK, IT'S MY FAVORITE.

JANET, HELP ME!

WINSTON, PLEASE
TRY TO UNDERSTAND...

DO YOU LIVE IN
THE 213 AREA CODE?

GOOD HEAVENS!

WINSTON, CINDY DOESN'T LOVE YOU.

THAT'LL COME IN TIME.

NO, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

- ( door slams )
- PRE-WEDDING NERVES.

ALL MY WIVES HAD THEM. EXCEPT...

MADAME CLARA, I AM GOING
TO PICK OUT THE GOWN MYSELF,

AND I WANT IT
DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY.

TELL CINDY I'M GOING
TO PICK HER UP AT 7:30.

OH, IT'S SUCH A NICE CHANGE,
MARRYING A GIRL THAT CAN WEAR WHITE.

( yells )

I WAS TRYING TO...
I'M SORRY, JANET.

THANK YOU AND GOOD BYE.

DON'T YOU REALIZE WE HAVE
A PROBLEM ON OUR HANDS?

YOU'RE RIGHT, WE GOTTA GET RID
OF THAT GUY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

- THINK OF SOMETHING.
- I GOT A PLAN, JACK.

- I THINK I KNOW HOW TO GET RID
OF WINSTON ONCE AND FOR ALL.
- GREAT, HOW?

- SAY, JAN...
- YES?

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THAT
PLACE WHERE YOU WORK?

IT IS THE ARCADE FLOWER SHOP,
WINSTON, BUT WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO
BUY THE WRONG SHOP.

YOU'RE GONNA BUY THE SHOP?

YES, FOR YOU. A LITTLE
GIFT FOR THE MAID OF HONOR.

WELL, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE A WONDERFUL OWNER.

SEE YOU IN CHURCH.

MY OWN SHOP!

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PLAN?

WHAT PLAN?

OH, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

OH, WHAT HAVE I BEEN THINKING?

JACK, SHAME ON ME.

CINDY, LISTEN UP, HERE. I KNOW
EXACTLY HOW TO GET RID OF WINSTON.

WE ARE GONNA MAKE HIM THINK THAT
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

OH, JANET, THAT'S WONDERFUL!

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
- WELL, WE'LL TELL HIM

THAT THERE'S INSANITY
IN YOUR FAMILY.

OH, I DON'T THINK
HE'D BELIEVE THAT.

WHY NOT? HE MET YOUR
BROTHER JACK, DIDN'T HE?

- I DON'T THINK IT WOU...
- OKAY, OKAY, I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

- I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING!
- WHAT?

LISTEN, HERE'S WHAT
WE'RE GONNA DO...

CINDY, WOULD YOU PLEASE
STOP FUSSING AND GET OUT HERE?

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

NEVER MIND THAT. DO
YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?

- OF COURSE IT WILL WORK.
- WINSTON WILL BE HERE SOON.

- AND WHERE'S JACK?
- CINDY, PLEASE DON'T WORRY.

WHAT IF MR. AND MRS.
HARRIS SAY NO TO HIM?

THEY'RE NOT GONNA SAY NO.
THEY OWE ME A VERY BIG FAVOR.

- ( doorbell rings )
- OH NO, IT'S HIM.

CINDY, JUST DO EVERYTHING
THE WAY WE PLANNED

- AND IT'S GONNA BE
SWELL, OKAY?
- OKAY.

HERE WE GO. HI, WINSTON,
CINDY'S WAITING FOR YOU.

CI... I... I... DOES
THIS MEAN...

YES, I HAVE DECIDED
TO MARRY YOU.

OH, GOODY!

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO GET SO EMOTIONAL.

BUT I KNEW YOU WOULD.

- IT'S HARD TO KEEP SAYING "NO."
- WELL, COME ON, DARLING,
LET'S GO.

- NOT SO SOON.
- STILL SHY, I LIKE THAT.

- ( smacks ) COME ON, COME ON.
- NO, NO, I CAN'T.

WELL, THAT'S WHY WE'RE
GETTING MARRIED, SO YOU CAN.

I'VE GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

NOW CINDY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR THE
MINISTER TO BEGIN PROMPTLY AT EIGHT.

IT'S BAD FORM TO ARRIVE IN THE
MIDDLE OF YOUR OWN CEREMONY.

- NO WAIT, STOP, JANET!
- WINSTON, I HAVE TO TELL
YOU SOMETHING FIRST...

- WHOA!
- OH, JANET!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE, CINDY. WHO
WAS AT THE DOOR?

JACK!

OH, I'M SORRY! ARE YOU HURT?

PEACHY, JUST PEACHY, DE NADA.

CINDY, WE SIMPLY
MUST NOT BE LATE.

ALL RIGHT, BUT FIRST WE HAVE
TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.

- WHAT KEPT YOU?
- THEY MADE ME STOP FOR ICE
CREAM, DOUBLE SCOOPS.

COME ON IN, KIDS. SAY
HI TO YOUR MOMMY.

MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY.

- MOMMY, MOMMY!
- OF COURSE YOU
WANT YOUR MOMMY.

THERE SHE IS!

- MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!
- WHAT?

WHAT? WHAT?

WHO'S THE FUNNY-LOOKING MAN?

NO, NO... IS HE OUR NEW DADDY?

YES HE IS!

THE ONE WITH ALL THE MONEY WHO'S
GONNA GIVE US ANYTHING WE WANT?

YE-ES!

- WHO ARE THESE, THESE...
- THESE DARLING LITTLE CHILDREN?

WHY, THESE ARE CINDY'S BABIES.

BUT... BUT WHERE
DID THEY COME FROM?

WINSTON, YOU'RE GETTING
MARRIED AND YOU DON'T KNOW THAT?

YOU NEVER TOLD ME
YOU WERE MARRIED!

- I'M NOT.
- CINDY!

I TOLD YOU IT WAS HARD
TO KEEP SAYING "NO."

WHEN ARE WE GOING
ON THE HONEYMOON?

YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK YOUR DADDY.

WHERE ARE WE GOING, PAPA?

I DON'T KN... DON'T
CALL ME PAPA!

HEY, JACK, CAN WE
GO OUT AND PLAY?

YES, YOU CAN PLAY.

CHRISTOPHER LIKES
TO PLAY "HORSEY."

NO, NO CHILDREN! CHILDREN OFF!

OFF, CHILD, CHILD! OFF, OFF!

I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS,
BUT THIS MARRIAGE IS OFF.

I CAN NOT STAND CHILDREN!

I NEVER COULD.

WHEN I WAS A CHILD,
I COULDN'T STAND ME.

- WE DID IT!
- IT WORKED!

( phone ringing )

HELLO?

JANET, WHAT TOOK YOU SO
LONG TO ANSWER THE PHONE?

I WAS GETTING CINDY OUT
OF HER WEDDING GOWN.

ISN'T HER HUSBAND
SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

SHE'S NOT MARRIED.

WHAT'S SHE DOING
IN A WEDDING GOWN?

Oh, golly, it is a long story.

IT'S OKAY, I'M CALLING
LONG DISTANCE. ( snorts )

OKAY, HERE GOES.

THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO
WANTED TO MARRY CINDY,

AND SHE COULDN'T GET HIM
TO TAKE "NO" FOR AN ANSWER.

SO FIRST WE GOT HER
IN THIS WEDDING GOWN

- THEN WE INTRODUCED
HER CHILDREN TO HIM.
- YOU'RE TELLING THIS ALL WRONG.

FIRST YOU GET MARRIED AND
THEN YOU HAVE THE CHILDREN.

HEY, CHRISSY, WILL
YOU JUST LISTEN?

LOOK, IT WAS A PLAN
THAT WE ALL MADE UP

JUST TO GET RID OF
THIS GUY, AND IT WORKED.

- NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
- YEAH, AND I'M MAD.

WHY ARE YOU MAD?

'CAUSE, MY OWN COUSIN GETS
MARRIED AND HAS CHILDREN

AND SHE NEVER EVEN
INVITED ME TO THE WEDDING.

( theme music playing )

John Ritter: THREE'S COMPANY WAS
VIDEOTAPED IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.

( theme music playing )

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