Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Goodbye Guy - full transcript

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♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

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♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
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♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

HEY, MR. FURLEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT'S GOING. DID
YOU EVER HEAR OF THE BLACK PLAGUE?

- YEAH.
- WELL, THOSE WERE
THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

OH, BY THE WAY.

HERE'S MY DENTIST'S PHONE
NUMBER YOU ASKED FOR.

I THINK YOU'LL LIKE DR. SLADE.

HE'S A REAL FUN GUY. HE'S
GOT A SIGN IN HIS OFFICE,

"ABSCESS MAKES THE
CHEEK GROW ROUNDER."

YOU KNOW, ABSCESS...
ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.



I'LL GIVE HIM A CALL. LISTEN, WOULD
YOU HAVE ANY ASPIRIN UPSTAIRS?

I'VE HAD A REALLY ROUGH DAY.

OH, SORRY, USED THEM
ALL UP ON MY LAST DATE.

ALL SHE KEPT SAYING WAS, "I HAVE
A HEADACHE. I HAVE A HEADACHE."

I THOUGHT THAT WAS FUNNY.

OH, THAT LITTLE GOLD CHARM
HAS GOTTA BE HERE SOMEPLACE.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW IT?

BEFORE IT GOT LOST.

- OH!
- I HAD TO ASK.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, CHRISSY?
- OH, I LOST MY CHARM.

NOT FROM WHERE I'M STANDING.

NO, NO, NO. I'M ONLY
KIDDING. COME ON, CHRISSY.

- I'LL HELP YOU
LOOK FOR IT.
- WOULD YOU?

- UH, CHRISSY?
- YEAH?

DOES IT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THIS?

- OH JACK, THANK YOU. WHERE'D YOU...
- RIGHT THERE.

- (doorbell ringing) - HI,
MR. FURLEY. COME ON IN.

- THANK YOU, JANET.
- SURE, SURE.

- I JUST CAME UP TO BORROW
A COUPLE OF ASPIRIN.
- DO YOU HAVE A HEADACHE?

NO, I LIKE TO READ THE BOTTLE.

WOW, YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD.

I'M SORRY. IT'S MY BROTHER BART.

HE DID IT TO ME AGAIN!
JUST WHEN THINGS ARE

STARTING TO COOK FOR
ME, HE PUT THE FIRE OUT.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- I WAS TALKING TO NANCY.

SHE WORKS IN MY BROTHER'S
OFFICE, ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE.

SHE MAKES THE
CUTEST LITTLE ZEROS

IN THE PROFIT AND
LOSS STATEMENT.

- YOU LIKE HER, HUH?
- OH YEAH, SHE'S ADORABLE.

- SO SWEET AND DELICATE.
- YOU THINK SHE LIKES YOU TOO?

I DON'T HAVE TO THINK, I KNOW.

SHE FEELS THE SWEET AGONY OF
LOVE THAT ONLY I CAN BRING HER.

WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE?

BECAUSE WHEN I WALKED
INTO THE OFFICE TODAY

SHE SAID, "OH RALPH,
YOU GIVE ME SUCH A PAIN."

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S LOVE.

OH YEAH, RIGHT. IN THAT CASE,
MR. FURLEY, HOW COME YOU'RE SO LOW?

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO ASK HER FOR
A DATE WHEN MY BROTHER WALKED IN

AND MADE ME FEEL
LIKE I WAS NOTHING.

- OH, MR. FURLEY.
- YEAH, WHAT DID HE DO?

HE MADE ME WRITE 50
TIMES ON A PIECE OF PAPER

"I WILL NOT BE LATE
WITH THE RENT RECEIPTS."

RIGHT IN FRONT OF NANCY.

THAT'S TERRIBLE. YOU MUST
HAVE FELT LIKE SUCH A FOOL.

I FELT LIKE SUCH A FOOL.

I WAS SO EMBARRASSED.

I HAD TO ASK ALICE,
"SPELL RECEIPTS."

YOU KNOW, E BEFORE I, I
BEFORE E, I NEVER CAN REMEMBER,

ANYWAY, MY BROTHER IS
PROBABLY RIGHT, I AM NOTHING.

NO, DON'T SAY THAT.

WELL, THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.

THE WAY THINGS HAVE BEEN
GOING, I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

- OH...
- LOOK, LET ME GET
THOSE ASPIRINS,

THEY'RE IN THE KITCHEN.
COULD YOU GIRLS COME HELP?

HOW HEAVY ARE A
COUPLE OF ASPIRINS?

WOULD YOU PLEASE COME
IN THE KITCHEN, PLEASE?

- OKAY, OKAY.
- EXCUSE US.

- DO YOU MIND
IF I USE YOUR PHONE?
- NO, NO, NO, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

- JACK, WHY DO YOU
NEED THE THREE OF US?
- YEAH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

FURLEY. I'VE NEVER SEEN
HIM IN SUCH BAD SHAPE.

JACK, HE IS ALWAYS LIKE THAT WHEN HE
COMES BACK FROM SEEING HIS BROTHER.

- NOT LIKE THAT.
- YOU KNOW...

HE DID SAY, "I MIGHT
AS WELL BE DEAD."

COME ON, CHRISSY,
THAT'S JUST AN EXPRESSION.

LOOK, I'M THE FIRST PERSON
NOT TO TAKE FURLEY SERIOUSLY,

BUT THE MAN IS CRYING
FOR HELP, I'M TELLING YOU.

YES, DR. SLADE,
TUESDAY WILL BE FINE.

IT'S NOT GOING TO BE PAINFUL,
IS IT? I CAN'T STAND PAIN.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NO! NO NOVOCAIN!

NO, NOTHING LIKE
THAT! NO, I'M A FAINTER!

I JUST SEE A NEEDLE
AND IT'S PASS-OUT CITY.

I CAN'T TAKE IT, I TELL
YOU, I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT!

I... GAS? YOU SAY IT'S PAINLESS?

ALL RIGHT THEN, I'LL TAKE GAS.

- MY GOD.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S WORST THAN I THOUGHT,
HE'S TALKING ABOUT GAS.

- GAS?
- EVERYBODY IS,

I MEAN THE WAY THE PRICES
ARE GOING UP. THE LINES...

HE'S TALKING ABOUT TAKING
GAS, YOU KNOW, TO END HIS LIFE.

- OH NO.
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHATEVER IT
IS, WE BETTER DO IT RIGHT AWAY.

YEAH, AND DON'T
LIGHT ANY MATCHES.

COME ON.

MR. FURLEY, I'M SORRY, BUT WE
OVERHEARD YOU ON THE PHONE.

MR. FURLEY, DON'T DO
IT, PLEASE, DON'T DO IT.

- DON'T DO WHAT?
- YOU KNOW. GAS.

OH, THAT. I GUESS YOU
THINK I'M REALLY A COWARD,

BUT I JUST CAN'T
STAND THE SUFFERING.

OH. ISN'T THERE ANYTHING...

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO?

NO, I'LL JUST PRAY
IT'LL BE OVER QUICK.

CHRISSY, TAKE MR. FURLEY
INTO THE KITCHEN, WOULD YOU?

- WHY?
- ASPIRIN.

HE CAN'T TAKE ASPIRIN WITHOUT
WATER. WATER IS IN THE KITCHEN.

MR. FURLEY, THERE
YOU GO. KITCHEN WATER.

KEEP HIM IN THERE
AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

JACK? JACK, WHAT'S
THAT ALL ABOUT?

- SHH.
- WHY DID
YOU SEND HIM OUT...

YES, I'D LIKE THE NUMBER OF THE
SUICIDE PREVENTION CENTER, PLEASE.

ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU WANT
TO TAKE WATER WITH YOUR ASPIRIN?

OF COURSE I DO. WHO TAKES
ASPIRIN WITHOUT WATER?

MY UNCLE. HE SAID THAT WHEN
YOU TAKE ASPIRIN WITH WATER

THEY GET SLIPPERY, AND THEY
LIKE SKID ON THE WAY DOWN,

YOU KNOW, AND END UP IN THE
WRONG PLACE WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT

INSTEAD OF IN THE RIGHT
PLACE, WHERE IT DOES HURT.

- SO IF I WERE YOU...
- WOULD YOU JUST PLEASE GIVE ME THE WATER?!

NO, I'M NOT THE ONE
THINKING OF SUICIDE.

HONEST, I'VE GOT A
LOT GOING FOR ME.

I LIVE WITH TWO GORGEOUS GIRLS,
I'M FAIRLY GOOD LOOKING, I'M MODEST.

JACK, WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST
ASK HIM WHAT WE SHOULD DO.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

UH-HUH. NEVER LEAVE THE
DEPRESSED PERSON ALONE.

- NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE.
- YEAH, AND MAKE SURE
HE FEELS WANTED.

WITH FURLEY THAT'S
GONNA BE TOUGH.

ARE YOU GONNA GIVE
ME THE WATER OR NOT?

I'M JUST WAITING
FOR IT TO GET COLD.

- I DON'T MIND
IF IT'S WARM.
- ARE YOU SURE?

NOW WE WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO GO
AWAY SAYING YOU DIDN'T ENJOY OUR ASPIRIN.

WILL YOU JUST GIVE ME THE WATER?

YOU WANT A HALF A GLASS,
A QUARTER OF A GLASS, OR...

MY HEADACHE WILL BE GONE
BEFORE I GET THAT WATER.

OH, THEN YOU WON'T NEED
THE ASPIRINS AFTER ALL.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH...

NO, WE DON'T NEED A
VACUUM CLEANER, SORRY.

HOW'S YOUR HEADACHE, MR. FURLEY?

- WORSE.
- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T
TAKE YOUR ASPIRIN.

WELL, YEAH, IN THAT CASE, WHY
DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE?

COME ON, RIGHT OVER
HERE, MR. FURLEY.

SIT YOURSELF DOWN AND I'LL
TAKE AWAY YOUR NASTY HEADACHE.

YEAH, MR. FURLEY, PUT YOUR
FEET UP. RIGHT HERE, THAT'S IT.

- THAT'S GOOD.
- CHRISSY, WHY DON'T YOU GET

MR. FURLEY A
PILLOW FOR HIS BACK?

WHY?

BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING
TO MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.

YES, WE WANT TO SHOW HIM
THAT LIFE CAN BE SO BEAUTIFUL.

- AH.
- THERE. NOW DON'T YOU
FEEL A LOT BETTER?

AH.

I BET YOU FORGOT ALL
ABOUT YOUR BROTHER BART.

MY BROTHER! I WANT TO
GO HOME AND LIE DOWN.

NO, WAIT, WAIT, MR. FURLEY.
MR. FURLEY, WAIT.

- I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- WHY?

WHY... WELL, AFTER THAT TERRIBLE
FIGHT I JUST HAD WITH THESE TWO GIRLS,

YOU THINK I COULD STAND THIS
APARTMENT ANOTHER MINUTE?

- I DIDN'T HEAR ANY FIGHT.
- YOU WERE TOO BUSY
GOING "AH."

- DIDN'T YOU HEAR
WHAT JANET SAID TO ME?
- NO.

WELL... TELL HIM, JANET.

UH... I SAID... I SAID,

"JACK, WHY DO YOU MAKE
THOSE AWFUL SOUNDS

WHEN YOU EAT
YOUR SOUP?" (slurps)

AND I SAID, "I DON'T GO..."

AND THEN CHRISSY SAID,
"HA, HA, YOU DO TOO." (snorts)

SO I SAID, "MAYBE I DO
GO... BUT I DON'T GO...

AND I DO GO... (blows
raspberry) TO YOU TWO."

CHRISSY, TELL HIM
WHAT YOU SAID TO THAT.

(stammering)

YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S SO BAD SHE
DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO REPEAT IT.

NOW, MR. FURLEY, WOULD YOU STAY UP
HERE AND LET PEOPLE INSULT YOU LIKE THAT?

- ABSOLUTELY NOT!
- NEITHER WILL I. COME ON, LET'S GO.

WELL...

IT'S GETTING KIND OF LATE, I THINK
YOU CAN GO BACK UPSTAIRS NOW.

NO, NO, NO, I MAY BE
SLEEPY, BUT I'M STILL ANGRY.

- WELL, I'M GOING TO BED.
- OKAY, MR. FURLEY, I'LL BE
RIGHT HERE.

I'M GONNA MAKE MYSELF A SANDWICH.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING?

- (mumbles)
- GOOD.

JACK, WE HAVE HAM AND BALONEY.

A KNIFE! MR. FURLEY,
NO, DON'T DO IT.

I'LL TAKE THE
KNIFE. I'LL TAKE IT.

TAKE IT EASY!

IF YOU WANT TO
MAKE THE SANDWICH,

YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD
AND MAKE THE SANDWICH!

- SANDWICH?
- YEAH!

I WAS HUNGRY! DO YOU MIND?

LOOK, STOP COVERING
UP, MR. FURLEY.

WE KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
WE KNOW YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF.

KILL MYSELF?

MR. FURLEY,
PLEASE. LIFE IS GOOD!

AND WE WANT TO SHOW YOU
THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS WHO CARE.

OH, SO THAT'S WHY YOU
WERE SO NICE TO ME.

WELL YOU DON'T HAVE
TO WORRY, I'M NOT...

I'M NOT REALLY HAPPY. IT'S TRUE.

OH, ALL THAT ATTENTION
HELPED A LITTLE.

- OH, I'M GLAD.
- BUT JUST A LITTLE.

I'M AFRAID IT'S GONNA
TAKE A LOT MORE THAN THAT

BEFORE YOU CAN BE
SURE I'M NOT GONNA...

(Jack gasps)

- MR. FURLEY.
- (sobbing)

AW, HEY.

(mumbling)

I'LL TELL YOU,

IF I HAVE TO RUB FURLEY'S
TEMPLES ONE MORE TIME,

- I'M NOT GONNA HAVE
ANY FINGERPRINTS LEFT.
- LOOK, LOOK.

- AT LEAST YOU GIRLS DON'T
HAVE TO FIX HIM BREAKFAST.
- Janet: THANKS.

DO YOU KNOW THE MAN PUTS
SYRUP ON HIS POACHED EGGS?

- EW.
- OH.

IF HE DOES THAT TO THE SHRIMP
LOUIE HE ORDERED FOR LUNCH,

HE WON'T HAVE TO COMMIT
SUICIDE, I'LL MURDER HIM.

I ASKED HIM IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I COULD DO FOR HIM.

HE SAID YES, HIS LAUNDRY.

HE OUGHT TO READ
HIS UNDERSHORTS.

READ HIS UNDERSHORTS?

YEAH, HE'S GOT PRINTED ON THEM,

"IF NOBODY'S HOME,
LEAVE A MESSAGE."

LOOK, WE JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER

THAT OUR PURPOSE IS TO GET
HIM OUT OF HIS DEPRESSION, OKAY?

AND ONE OF US IS JUST GONNA
HAVE TO BE WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES.

- RIGHT.
- YEAH. (gasps)

All: HE'S ALONE!

I WAS ALL ALONE.

I WAS SO DEPRESSED, I
TOOK THE WHOLE BOTTLE.

- (gasps) OH NO!
- OH MY GOD, PILLS!

NO, PISTACHIO NUTS.

YEAH, BUT WHO KNOWS NEXT TIME?

(sighs) MY TEMPLES ARE
GETTING TENSE AGAIN.

SIT DOWN, I'LL
TAKE CARE OF THEM.

(sighs)

- JACK, MY FEET?
- OH, RIGHT, YES!

DO YOU HAVE ANY GRAPES?
GRAPES SOMETIMES CHEER ME UP.

I'LL GET SOME.

MR. FURLEY, I'VE PREPARED A
WONDERFUL LUNCH FOR YOU, SHRIMP LOUIE.

- OH, MY FAVORITE.
- Jack: OH GOOD.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
SYRUP TO GO WITH IT?

HERE YOU GO. SOME
LOVELY, WUVLEY GRAPESIES.

AH, WOULD YOU FEED THEM TO ME?

YOU KNOW, MR. FURLEY...

I THINK MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO SEE A
DOCTOR ABOUT THIS DEPRESSION OF YOURS.

NO, NO DOCTORS! I HATE DOCTORS!

- NOW LOOK, MR. FURLEY.
- BUT...

I THINK I KNOW
WHAT MIGHT CURE ME.

All: WHAT?!

WELL, IF YOU WERE TO

THROW A PARTY FOR ME, YOU KNOW,

WITH THE GUYS AND GALS
FROM THE REGAL BEAGLE?

- A PARTY?
- OF COURSE, IF YOU
DON'T WANT TO.

- NO, NO, NO! WE'LL DO IT!
- GOOD, GOOD.

AND IT WOULD REALLY CHEER ME
UP IF YOU WERE TO INVITE NANCY.

- NANCY?
- YEAH, THAT NICE GIRL
FROM MY BROTHER'S OFFICE.

YOU COULD BUILD ME
UP TO HER, YOU KNOW.

TELL HER HOW DEBONAIR

AND IRRESISTIBLE I AM. HMM?

KEEP THOSE GRAPES
COMING, WILL YOU?

(chatting)

WELL, I'M GLAD TO SEE
YOU'RE ENJOYING THE PARTY.

OH, YEAH! IT'S A GREAT PART...

OH, BUT ANY MINUTE I COULD STICK
MY HEAD INTO THE PUNCH-BOWL

- AND DROWN MYSELF.
- WELL, IT BEATS GAS.

JACK, WHY DON'T YOU SERVE THOSE?

EXCUSE ME, LARRY?

THERE'S NO MUSIC.

- WE'RE DANCING TO THE BEAT
OF OUR HEARTS.
- AH.

- WOULD YOU LIKE
AN HORS D'OEUVRE?
- JACK...

I'M ALREADY UP TO DESSERT.

- LAR?
- HMM?

- DON'T HOLD BACK.
- RIGHT.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT!

- OKAY, I'LL GET
SOME MORE GLASSES.
- CHRISSY?

THIS IS PROBABLY MR. FURLEY'S
FRIEND. NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO?

- SURE, OPEN THE DOOR.
- RIGHT. CHRISSY!

REMEMBER THE
REASON FOR THE PARTY,

- TO MAKE FURLEY LOOK GOOD.
- OH YEAH, OKAY.

HI, I'M NANCY.

HI.

MR. FURLEY'S SUCH A
WONDERFUL PERSON.

I CAME HERE TO HAVE A GOOD
TIME, HONEY. NOT TO ARGUE.

HELLO, NANCY. COME IN.

I'M JACK AND THIS IS CHRISSY.

OOH, AND THIS IS SERVICE.

WOW.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

WELL I'M SO GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.

OH, WHY THE HELL NOT? I GET
INVITED TO A PARTY AND I GO.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A BIRTHDAY
PARTY, WEDDING PARTY,

REPUBLICAN PARTY...
THEY ASK AND I GO.

AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?

(giggles) MR. FURLEY'S
SUCH A WONDERFUL PERSON.

AH, NANCY? THERE'S
SOMEBODY OVER THERE

WHO'S VERY ANXIOUS TO SEE YOU.

OH, LET'S GO BEFORE
HE COOLS OFF. (giggles)

MR. FURLEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

NANCY! WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE!

- I BELIEVE YOU TWO
KNOW EACH OTHER?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW WHERE'S THE PARTY?

MR. FURLEY IS OUR
GUEST OF HONOR.

MR. FURLEY'S SUCH A
WONDERFUL PERSON.

HONEY, I THINK YOU'RE
STUCK IN FIRST GEAR.

COMING THROUGH!
EXCUSE ME, CHRISSY.

OH HI! I'M JANET.
YOU MUST BE NANCY?

I'D BETTER BE OR SOMEONE'S RUNNING
AROUND WITH MY CREDIT CARDS.

(laughs) GET IT?

(mumbling)

(laughing loudly)

DID YOU HEAR THAT? THE
TINKLE OF TEMPLE BELLS.

COME ON, HONEY. LET'S DANCE.

UH... NANCY, THERE'S NO MUSIC.

OH WELL, LET'S JUST HOLD EACH
OTHER TILL THE MUSIC STARTS.

OH!

ISN'T IT CUTE, THE WAY SHE'S
TRYING TO MAKE ME JEALOUS?

YEAH, SURE IS. MR. FURLEY,

- COULD YOU EXCUSE ME
FOR A MOMENT?
- YEAH, ME TOO.

LARRY...

LARRY.

- I NEED YOU.
- TAKE A TICKET, HONEY,

I'M WORKING ON ANOTHER CUSTOMER.

I WANT YOU TO MAKE A
TOAST TO MR. FURLEY.

WHY?

LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU
ABOUT IT LATER, OKAY?

OKAY. REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE.

LISTEN, EVERYBODY,
LISTEN. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!

- LARRY HERE WANTS
TO MAKE A TOAST.
- WHAT DO I SAY?

SAY HOW MUCH WE LOVE HIM,
HOW MUCH WE ADMIRE HIM...

- WHAT?
- JUST DO IT.

MR. FURLEY, WHY DON'T YOU STEP
RIGHT OVER HERE? RIGHT THERE.

- HIT IT, LAR.
- (clears throat)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I'D LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE

TO A GREAT MAN, WHOM
WE ALL LOVE... (laughs)

AND WHOM WE AD... ADMIRE.

- LARRY, I'LL TAKE OVER.
- I'M SORRY.

TAKE A HIKE.

FOLKS, A TOAST...

TO A MAN WHO HAS CAPTIVATED US

WITH HIS STYLE AND GRACE,

HIS CHARM, HIS WIT,

HIS ATTRACTIVENESS
AND HIS CHARISMA.

WHO IS IT? I'D LIKE TO MEET HIM.

I'M SPEAKING ABOUT OUR
BELOVED GUEST OF HONOR,

R.F. HIMSELF, MR. RALPH FURLEY.

(all cheering)

ALL RIGHT, THERE'S LOTS
MORE FOOD IN THE KITCHEN.

- COME ON, JANET.
- OKAY, EXCUSE US.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME NOW?

YOU DON'T REALLY WANT
ME TO TELL YOU, DO YOU?

WELL, MAYBE LATER, WHEN YOU'VE
GOTTEN CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

WE'VE NOW DONE OUR
PART, BUT I'LL TELL YOU,

I DON'T THINK THAT NANCY IS
TOO INTERESTED IN MR. FURLEY.

MR. FURLEY IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE
THINGS YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO.

- WHAT, LIKE OLIVES?
- NO, MORE LIKE THE PITS.

- YOU GOT ANY ICE?
- YEAH.

- OH, HERE WE ARE. (laughs)
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY, LARRY?

FURLEY.

HE'S LOOKING AT NANCY
LIKE A KID LOOKS AT CANDY,

AND ALL HE KEEPS TELLING HER
IS HOW HE'S GONNA TAKE GAS.

OH MY GOD. YOU MEAN HE'S
TALKING ABOUT ENDING HIS LIFE AGAIN?

NO, NO, NO.

HE'S TELLING HER HOW HIS
DENTIST IS GONNA GIVE HIM GAS.

WHAT?

HIS DENTIST?

DO YOU MEAN THAT MR. FURLEY
ISN'T GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE?

FURLEY? A MAN WHO FAINTS
AT THE SIGHT OF KETCHUP?

AND ALL THIS TIME WE'VE
BEEN KNOCKING OURSELVES OUT

DOING ANYTHING HE WANTS,
WORRYING OURSELVES SICK.

MY FRIENDS, I THINK
YOU'VE BEEN HAD.

(growls)

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OUT?
YOU'RE MISSING ALL THE FUN.

- MR. FURLEY, WE'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED...
- HOLD IT, JANET.

I THINK THE FUN'S
JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN.

HERE, WHAT DO YOU SAY,
YOU AND I HAVE A DRINK?

- JACK?
- CHEERS.

CHEERS.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL?
- GREAT.

GOOD, THEY TOLD ME THE
POISON WOULD BE PAINLESS.

- POISON?
- (glass shattering)

WE TRIED, MR. FURLEY.
LORD KNOWS WE TRIED,

BUT WE HAVEN'T THE RIGHT TO
MAKE A MAN LIVE IN THIS WORLD

IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

YOU MEAN YOU POISONED ME?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW
FAST THE POISON WORKS,

SO I THINK WE'D BETTER
SAYGOOD BYE NOW.

- I DON'T WANT
TO SAY GOODBYE.
- THEN WE'D BETTER SAY CIAO.

- I DON'T WANT TO SAY CIAO.
- HOW ABOUT AUF WIEDERSEHEN?

I DON'T WANT TO SAY AUF
WIEDER... I CAN'T SAY THAT.

- HOW ABOUT ADIOS?
- I DON'T WANT TO SAY...

- ADIOS.
- STOP THIS!

MR. FURLEY, JUST CALM DOWN.

ANY MOMENT YOU ARE GOING
TO BE OVER THE RAINBOW.

YEAH, WHERE HAPPY
LITTLE BLUEBIRDS FLY.

I DON'T WANNA DIE! YOU
GOT TO DO SOMETHING!

- UH, WELL...
- UH, WELL...

GEE, MAYBE IF YOU... THEY
SAY, IF YOU HOP UP AND DOWN...

- YEAH!
- HOP UP AND DOWN?

IT GETS THE POISON
AWAY FROM YOUR HEART.

KEEP... NOT IN
HERE, NOT IN HERE.

OUTSIDE, WHERE
THERE'S MORE ROOM.

OH LOOK, HE'S OUT
PLAYING BUNNY RABBIT.

THAT'S CUTE, RALPH.

I CAN'T TALK TO YOU NOW,
I'M HOPPING FOR MY LIFE.

- I DON'T THINK
I CAN KEEP IT UP.
- YOU GOT TO KEEP...

- I'M GETTING TIRED.
- YOU GOT TO KEEP AWAKE. KEEP IT UP.

- HOW?
- YOU COULD TRY SINGING.

- THAT'S IT,
SING OUT LOUD!
- SING AND HOP.

SING AND HOP.

♪ I'M GONNA LIVE TILL
I DIE... ♪ WRONG SONG!

THIS IS IT! I'M GOING!
GOODBYE, I'M GOING.

- WHERE?
- Furley: I DON'T KNOW.

UP THERE, DOWN THERE, I
DON'T HAVE MUCH CHOICE.

- WAIT A MINUTE. MR. FURLEY.
- ALL I WANTED

WAS A LITTLE LOVE AND
AFFECTION I WASN'T GETTING.

NOW IT'S TOO LATE.

- JACK.
- NO, IT'S NOT TOO LATE,
MR. FURLEY.

- THERE WAS NOTHING
IN THE WINE.
- WHAT?

WELL, YOU DID A NUMBER ON US,

SO WE DID A NUMBER ON YOU.

- YOU MEAN...?
- YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.

I'M GONNA LIVE. I'M GONNA LIVE!

I... OH, WHAT'S THE USE?

NANCY WON'T WANNA BE WITH ME.

NOT AFTER THE WAY I'VE ACTED
LIKE SUCH A HORSE'S-YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

WHAT?

OH, RALPH, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW YOU JUST DID SOMETHING
A LOT OF GUYS COULD NEVER DO.

I MEAN, ADMITTING YOU
NEED LOVE AND AFFECTION.

- I LIKE THAT
IN A MAN.
- YOU DO?

YEAH, EVEN IF HE IS A
HORSE'S-YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

WHAT?

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS
CRAZY ABOUT ME.

- AH, FINISHED.
- CATCH.

WE'RE ALL CLEANED UP,
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

DID YOU SEE THE WAY THAT
MR. FURLEY WAS DANCING WITH NANCY?

I MEAN, IT WAS SO ROMANTIC,
ALL CHEEK TO CHEEK.

NO, THAT WASN'T ROMANCE. HIS SIDEBURN
WAS CAUGHT ON HER EARRING. I SWEAR.

I THINK IT TURNED OUT TO
BE A REALLY NICE PARTY.

SURE DID. AND THE MAIN THING
IS, WE DID CHEER MR. FURLEY UP.

- YEAH.
- I HOPE I NEVER
GET SO DEPRESSED

PEOPLE THINK I'M GONNA
DO SOMETHING DESPERATE.

- BOY, ME EITHER.
- I KNOW I WON'T.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
- WHENEVER I'M FEELING
KIND OF LOW,

I HAVE THIS INSPIRATIONAL POEM

THAT I CARRY AROUND WITH
ME AND IT CHEERS ME UP.

DO YOU MEAN THAT YOU
JUST READ YOURSELF A POEM

- AND IT GETS RID
OF YOUR BLUES?
- YEAH.

- I'D LIKE TO HEAR THAT.
- ME TOO.

- YOU WOULD?
- YEAH.

OKAY.

YOU SURE YOU GUYS
WANT TO HEAR THIS?

- YES.
- YES, CHRISSY, ABSOLUTELY.

"YOU CAN RUN FROM LOVE,
YOU CAN RUN FROM WAR,

YOU CAN RUN FROM
THE COP ON THE BEAT,

YOU CAN RUN FROM DANGER,

YOU CAN RUN FROM A STRANGER,

BUT YOU CAN'T RUN
AWAY FROM YOUR FEET."

(laughs)

SEE? I TOLD YOU, IT
WORKS EVERY TIME.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.