Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Root of All Evil - full transcript
Larry invites Jack to go with to the race track. Jack tells the girls about it and they give him money to put down a bet for them. Chrissy picks the horses which are long shots. But they win and Jack comes home with over a thousand dollars. They agree to share it but when the girls buy expensive and needless things that's when they all turn on each other. Eventually it gets so bad that they decide to go see a therapist to deal with it.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
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♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
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♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
OH, BOY, CHRISSY. LOOK AT THAT.
AREN'T YOU GLAD WE
SHAMPOOED THE CARPET?
I SURE AM. I CAN'T STAND
A RUG WITH DANDRUFF.
- (snorts)
- (doorbell rings)
I'LL GET IT.
- HI, LAR. COME IN.
- HOW YOU DOING?
ON THE PAPER. WE JUST
SHAMPOOED OUR CARPET.
- ALL RIGHT, SURE.
- HEY JACK, LARRY'S HERE.
Jack: BE RIGHT WITH
YOU, LARRY. SIT DOWN.
(Call to the post)
IT IS ALMOST POST TIME.
I HEAR YOU TALKING.
LET ME SEE THAT PAPER.
HERE YOU GO.
SO YOU GUYS ARE GOING
TO THE TRACK, HUH?
LARRY INVITED ME. HE'S
GOT A COUPLE OF PASSES.
I'VE ALSO GOT THE
HORSE TO BET ON.
IT'S BEEN HANDICAPPED
BY ALL THE EXPERTS.
YOU'RE GOING TO BET
ON A CRIPPLED HORSE?
NO, NO, CHRISSY. ITCHY
FINGER, IT'S A SURE THING.
- I'VE ALSO GOT
THE DAILY DOUBLE.
- WHAT'S THE DAILY DOUBLE?
THE DAILY DOUBLE. SEE, CHRISSY,
YOU BET ON THE WINNING HORSES
OF BOTH THE FIRST AND SECOND
RACE... IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED.
- BUT YOU CAN WIN A BUNDLE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, YEAH? I'D LIKE
TO BET ON THAT.
- JACK, WOULD YOU FOR ME?
- SURE, CHRISSY.
HERE'S A DOLLAR.
I THINK THAT THE MINIMUM
BET ON THE DAILY DOUBLE IS $2.
OH, THEN I'LL JUST BET
ON THE DAILY SINGLE.
HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU THE
OTHER DOLLAR. THERE.
- THANKS. HERE, JACK.
- THANK YOU, CHRISSY.
HERE ARE THE ENTRIES,
TAKE YOUR PICK.
OH LOOK, HERE'S
ONE IN THE FIRST RACE
CALLED, "NANNY NANNY."
AH, ISN'T THAT NIFTY, NIFTY?
NANNY NANNY? THAT'S A 20-1 SHOT.
I DON'T CARE. WHEN
I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WHENEVER I USED TO
SUCK MY THUMB I'D GO,
"NANNY, NANNY, NANNY."
YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT
THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD.
WOULD YOU BOYS PLEASE
LET HER PICK HER HORSE?
GOT ANYTHING THAT
HOT IN THE SECOND RACE?
(laughing)
- SHHH!
- HERE'S "TILLY'S DREAM."
WELL ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE FAVORITE.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
GIRL I HAD AN AUNT TILLY
WHO LIVED IN CHICAGO IN AN
APARTMENT ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
SECOND FLOOR, SECOND RACE.
THERE'S A CERTAIN LOGIC IN THAT.
OKAY, IN THE SECOND RACE
YOU WANT "TILLY'S DREAM?"
NO, I WANT "BROKEN ELEVATOR."
WHAT!?
WHEN WE'D GO VISIT MY AUNT
TILLY WE HAD TO WALK UP THE STAIRS
BECAUSE HER ELEVATOR
WAS ALWAYS BROKEN.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE
I START GOING "NANNY, NANNY."
CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS GIRL WITH HER...
(shouts) GET OFF THE CARPET!
- OH, OH, OH!
- SORRY! SORRY!
Both: NANNY, NANNY, NANNY!
GIRLS? JANET, CHRISSY,
WHERE ARE YOU?
JACK? JACK, HOW'D YOU DO?
NOT UNTIL CHRISSY
GETS HERE. CHRISSY?
- YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
- HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS.
"NANNY NANNY" CAME IN.
WHERE?
IN THE FIRST RACE. "NANNY
NANNY" WON THE FIRST RACE.
SHE DID? THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
- THAT'S NOT ALL.
"BROKEN ELEVATOR" ALSO CAME IN.
OH, THAT'S NICE, TOO.
CHRISSY, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU HIT THE DAILY DOUBLE.
YOU ARE THE PROUD OWNER
OF 1,637, HURT ME, DOLLARS.
OH!
(shrieks)
I THINK THAT FINALLY GOT TO HER.
MY GOSH. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S SO CRISP.
AND IT'S SO... GREEN.
THAT'S BECAUSE
IT WAS JUST PICKED.
CHRISSY YOU WON
THE THE DAILY DOUBLE.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
BUT THIS ISN'T ALL MINE.
OF COURSE IT IS. IT WAS
YOUR IDEA TO MAKE A BET.
YEAH, YOU PICKED
THE WINNING HORSES.
HOW I WILL NEVER KNOW.
YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T
HAVE DONE IT
- UNLESS YOU GAVE ME
THE OTHER DOLLAR.
- OH.
JANET, WE ARE FRIENDS
AND WE ARE PARTNERS
AND WE'RE GOING TO
SPLIT THIS MONEY 50-50.
CHRISSY!
OH WAIT. JACK YOU'RE
ALSO A PARTNER.
- NO, NO.
- YES.
YOU WENT TO THE
TRACK, YOU MADE THE BET.
WE'RE GOING TO
SPLIT THIS 50-50-50.
- NO, NO.
- YES, IT'S SHARE
AND SHARE ALIKE.
- AW.
- YEAH.
WE'RE THE THREE MUSKETEERS.
YEAH, WE'RE LIKE A CANDY BAR.
NO.
YES WE ARE. SOME
SWEETS AND SOME NUTS.
GOSH, WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH ALL THIS MONEY?
IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT LESS AFTER
THE FOURTH MUSKETEER TAKES HIS SHARE.
- WHAT?
- THE TAX COLLECTOR.
IF WE'RE SMART THE
FIRST THING WE WOULD DO
IS TAKE AT LEAST THREE
MONTHS RENT AND PUT IT AWAY.
YEAH, AND WE'LL STILL
HAVE A LOT LEFT OVER.
WE SHOULD GO DOWN
TO THE BANK TOMORROW
AND OPEN OURSELVES A
JOINT SAVINGS ACCOUNT.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA. THEN IT
WILL BE EARNING INTEREST.
THEN WHENEVER ONE OF
US NEEDS SOME MONEY,
- SHE CAN...
- OR HE.
- (doorbell rings)
- HE OR SHE, THANK YOU.
HE OR SHE CAN GO RIGHT DOWN TO
THE BANK AND TAKE OUT WHAT THEY NEED.
OH, YEAH. ONE FOR ALL...
Both: AND ALL FOR ONE.
- HEY, LAR.
- HEY.
- HI, LARRY.
- (chuckling)
WELL, LITTLE CHRISSY.
HOW'S IT FEEL TO
BE A BIG WINNER?
OH, I WAS JUST LUCKY.
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP
TELLING MYSELF.
SAY, CHRISSY, I'M GOING
TO THE TRACK TOMORROW.
JUST FOR KICKS,
ANY OTHER FUNNY THINGS HAPPEN
TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
WELL, ONCE I FELL OFF
MY BRAND NEW SLED.
YOU DID? GOOD. BRAND NEW SLED.
- NO. NO HORSE NAMED...
- AND I SKINNED MY KNEE.
SKINNED KNEE, SINNED KNEE... NO.
OH, DID YOU EVER GET
CAUGHT IN A FLOOD?
- NO.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
"SWOLLEN RIVER" PAYS 100-1.
- ONCE I HAD SWOLLEN GLANDS.
- THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
GO FOR THE GUSTO, LARRY.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!
- JANET?
- HMM?
WHERE DID WE GET THIS?
WHAT? OH, THAT. I BOUGHT IT.
THIS CHATEAU LAFITTE ROTHCHILD
IS $75 A BOTTLE. WHY
DID YOU DO THAT?
OH JACK, I JUST FIGURED
WHY NOT HAVE THE
VERY BEST FOR ONCE?
YEAH, BUT THE ONLY
PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD THIS
ARE KINGS, MILLIONAIRES
AND AUTO MECHANICS.
JACK, ALL DAY I WAS WALKING AROUND
WITH THIS LITTLE VOICE INSIDE ME
THAT KEPT SAYING,
"SPEND, SPEND, SPEND."
AND I KEPT THINKING,
"YES, YES, YES."
I THINK I MAY DO SOME
SPENDING MY OWN SELF TODAY.
WHERE'S OUR BLOATED BANK BOOK?
HERE'S OVER BY THE TELEPHONE.
- OH! OH!
- (screaming) I'M GONNA GET YOU.
- IT'S NOT HERE.
- IT ISN'T?
- NO.
- JANET? JACK?
GUESS WHAT I BOUGHT!
I THINK I KNOW WHERE
THE BANK BOOK WENT.
TA-DA!
CHRISSY WHERE DID
YOU GET THIS THING?
ISN'T IT GREAT?
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED AN
ANIMAL IN THE BEDROOM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME?
WOW, IT'S UH...
IT'S BIG, ISN'T IT?
YEAH. I BOUGHT IT FOR ALL OF US.
OH GOOD. JUST WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
- CHRISSY?
- DON'T YOU LIKE IT?
- (laughs)
- CHRISSY, HOW MUCH
DID YOU PAY FOR IT?
(laughs) IT COST $200.
WHAT!
CHRISSY!
YOU SPENT $200 TO
BUY THAT DUMB THING?
WELL, YOU SAID THAT
ANYBODY COULD BUY
WHATEVER THEY WANTED
WHENEVER THEY WANTED.
WELL YES, CHRISSY, BUT...
BEFORE YOU WENT OUT AND
SPENT $200 ON A THING LIKE THAT
WE SHOULD HAVE TALKED IT OVER.
I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF THAT, JANET,
BEFORE YOU SPENT $75
ON A BOTTLE OF WINE.
(gasps)
YOU SPENT $75 ON
A BOTTLE OF WINE?
CHRISSY, $75 ON WINE
IS A LOT BETTER THAN
200 ON A STUPID TOY.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. LET'S JUST
FORGET IT. ALL RIGHT, GIRLS?
CHRISSY, MAY I PLEASE
HAVE THE BANK BOOK?
OKAY.
WAIT. WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?
I WANT TO BUY A
NEW JOGGING SUIT.
WHAT?
DON'T YOU HAVE ONE THAT'S
PRACTICALLY BRAND NEW?
SO WHAT. I WANT TO
BUY ANOTHER ONE.
YOU'RE JUST DOING
THIS TO BE SPITEFUL.
NO, JUST TO GET EVEN.
YOU TWO GO OUT AND BUY
WHATEVER YOU WANT, WHY CAN'T I?
LOOK, JACK, I ONLY SPENT $75.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO SPENT 200.
AT LEAST WHAT I BOUGHT
IS CUDDLY AND FOREVER.
NOT JUST A BOTTLE
OF SQUASHED GRAPES.
SQUASHED... OH!
NOW HEAR THIS.
THIS IS MY WINE AND
NOBODY DRINKS IT BUT ME!
OH, YEAH?
THEN THIS BELONGS TO ME
AND NOBODY TOUCHES IT BUT ME.
RIGHT, I'M GOING OUT AND BUYING
A VERY EXPENSIVE JOGGING SUIT
AND NOBODY ZIPS IT BUT ME.
(groans)
GOOD MORNING.
THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
OKAY.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED?
I BELIEVE YOU'RE HOLDING MY EGG.
YOUR EGG?
WHY DID YOU PUT
YOUR INITIALS ON IT?
OH MY GOD, SHE DID.
GOOD MORN... FORGET IT.
JANET IF I WERE YOU, BEFORE
I POUR THAT ORANGE JUICE,
I'D CHECK IT OUT. CHRISSY
MIGHT HAVE PUT HER INITIALS ON IT.
COME ON, JACK. HOW COULD
SHE INITIAL ORANGE JUICE?
WHEN IT WAS FROZEN.
OH, GOSH!
(clinking)
CHRISSY, CUT IT OUT! I CAN'T STAND
IT WHEN YOU SCRAPE YOUR TOAST.
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
- (clinking)
- CHRISSY!
WELL WHAT ELSE DON'T YOU LIKE?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I DON'T LIKE.
JACK, WHY DO YOU EAT YOUR
CEREAL WITH YOUR FORK?
YEAH, JACK?
WHY DO YOU MAKE RAILROAD TRACKS
WITH YOUR FORK IN YOUR FARINA?
I DON'T MAKE RAILROAD
TRACKS WITH MY FORK.
YOU JUST DID.
WHY? WHY DO YOU
MAKE TRACKS, JACK?
IT'S A LITTLE GAME MY
MOTHER TAUGHT ME.
SEE, WHAT YOU DO IS FIRST
YOU DRAW THE TRACKS LIKE THIS,
AND THEN YOU GO, CHOO-CHOO,
CHOO-CHOO, CHOO-CHOO.
CHEW-CHEW, CHEW-CHEW, CHEW-CHEW.
SEE, ALL GONE. I ATE MY TWAIN.
ISN'T THAT CUTE?
YES IT IS! IT'S BETTER THAN LEAVING
LIP GLOSS ON HALF-EATEN DOUGHNUTS.
HEY, JUST A MINUTE, BUSTER!
I DO NOT LEAVE LIP GLOSS
ON A HALF-EATEN DOUGHNUT.
SHE'S RIGHT. I DO.
SPEAKING OF THINGS
WE CAN'T STAND,
HAVE YOU EVER ONCE
CONSIDERED PUTTING THE CAP
BACK ON THE TOOTHPASTE
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED WITH IT?
- SO A LITTLE RUNS OUT.
- A LITTLE?
IT'S LIKE BEING ATTACKED
BY PEPPERMINT WORMS.
WELL EXCUSE ME.
YOU'D NEVER DO ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. YOU'RE PERFECT.
OH! JACK?
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
DO YOU THINK I'M PERFECT?
YES, JANET I DO. A PERFECT PAIN.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO KNOW WHERE?
- NO!
I THINK WE'D BETTER STOP
HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP
HAVING ANY CONVERSATION.
- FINE WITH ME!
- ME TOO!
(crying)
Together: SHUT UP!
YOU, TOO!
(continues crying)
- (crying) - HEY, HEY, HEY.
CHRISSY, WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, LARRY.
- THERE, THERE.
JUST LEAN ON THIS
BIG STRONG SHOULDER.
THERE. YEAH.
I GUESS I WAS JUST BORN
TO MAKE WOMEN FEEL BETTER.
JUST TELL UNCLE LARRY HIS
NAME AND I'LL TEAR HIM APART.
HIS NAME IS JACK AND JANET.
OH, LARRY, EVERYTHING'S
GONE WRONG.
- I FEEL AWFUL.
- AWFUL?
AFTER ALL THAT MAZUMA
YOU WON AT THE TRACK?
THAT'S JUST IT, LARRY.
EVER SINCE WE GOT THAT MONEY
WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING AND BICKERING,
AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH
BRINGING A GIRAFFE HOME?
WELL NOTHING IF YOU'VE
GOT HIGH CEILINGS.
NOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
NOT TALKING ANYMORE.
I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.
OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU JUST
SAW ME COME FROM UPSTAIRS.
NO, CHRISSY, I MEAN,
PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING.
YOU SEE, TOO MUCH MONEY ALL
AT ONCE CAN MAKE YOU MISERABLE.
PERSONALLY I DON'T SEE HOW.
OH LARRY.
YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT
PSYCHOLOGY DON'T YOU?
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID,
YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE
PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME,
BUT A USED-CAR SALESMAN
GETS TO FOOL THEM ALL THE TIME.
(laughs) SEE?
I'M A USED CAR...
ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP US?
WHO ME? NO, I COULDN'T.
WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT ABOUT THAT DOCTOR
THAT JACK WENT TO?
YOU KNOW, TO BUILD
UP HIS SELF CONFIDENCE?
- DR. PRESCOTT.
- YES.
OH, LARRY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
(whistles)
I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE
LOOKED FAMILIAR.
- DIDN'T I SAY THIS PLACE
LOOKED FAMILIAR?
- YES.
IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE
BRINGING US TO DR. PRESCOTT
- I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME.
- THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU.
DR. PRESCOTT SAID HE
NEEDED TO SEE ALL THREE OF US.
CHRISSY, WHY DID YOU MAKE
ME DRAG THIS THING ALONG?
I FELT SO EMBARRASSED
ON THE BUS.
IT'S PART OF OUR PROBLEM AND I
THOUGHT THE DOCTOR SHOULD SEE IT.
YOUR PROBLEM, CHRISSY. IF YOU DON'T
MIND, I DON'T NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST.
- OH, I FORGOT,
YOU'RE PERFECT.
- I NEVER SAID THAT.
SHE NEVER SAID THAT. THAT'S
RIGHT, JANET NEVER SAID THAT.
JACK, PLEASE. I CAN
DEFEND MYSELF, THANK YOU.
- (clears throat)
- DR. PRESCOTT!
DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT.
PLEASE, GO ON WITH YOUR HATRED.
HI, I'M CHRISSY SNOW,
THE ONE WHO CALLED.
- YES.
- ON THE TELEPHONE.
THAT'S HOW IT'S USUALLY DONE.
HI, I'M JANET WOOD.
FORMER FRIEND.
DOCTOR, HI. JACK
TRIPPER. REMEMBER ME?
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER.
YES, I WOULD SAY
TOO LONG, TRIPPER.
- I MADE HIM BRING THAT.
- OH?
THAT'S THE THING THAT
STARTED ALL OUR FIGHTING.
- WELL I LIKE HIM.
- (mocking) WELL I LIKE HIM.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS CUTE
LITTLE THING COULD GET ANYONE ANGRY.
OH, YEAH? WAIT TILL SHE TELLS
YOU SHE SPENT $200 FOR IT.
$200 FOR THIS? (laughs)
SEE THAT. EVEN THE DOCTOR
THINKS IT'S RIDICULOUS.
OF COURSE HE DOES.
NOW YOU'RE ALL GANGING UP ON ME.
I'M SORRY. IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT THE THREE OF YOU
HAVE SOME VERY HEAVY HOSTILITY.
I'M GLAD I WAS ABLE TO MAKE
AVAILABLE THE ENTIRE AFTERNOON TO YOU.
I JUST PRAY THAT
YOU CAN HELP US.
PLEASE, I'M NOT A GOD.
ALTHOUGH I AM AS CLOSE AS
YOU CAN GET IN A HUMAN BEING.
WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN
AND LET'S GET TO WORK?
- I'M READY. I'LL TRY.
- GO AHEAD.
TRIPPER, SUPPOSE
WE START WITH YOU?
JUST SAY ANYTHING OFF
THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
HAIR.
(laughing) HAIR?
- GIRLS?
- WELL, HAIR.
DECORUM.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE THAT LITERAL.
I MEAN WHAT COMES TO MIND
WHEN YOU SEE THIS ANIMAL?
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
- I FEEL ANGRY.
- GOOD.
ANGRY BECAUSE CHRISSY
DIDN'T USE HER HEAD.
GOOD. HOW DO YOU THINK THE
ANIMAL FEELS ABOUT ALL THIS?
THE ANIM... WHAT?
IT'S JUST A TOY. IT DOESN'T
HAVE ANY FEELINGS.
WELL, FOR OUR
PURPOSES SUPPOSE IT CAN.
I WANT YOU TO GO BACK TO
THE BEGINNING IN THE STORE.
GO AHEAD.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO
GIVE THE ANIMAL A VOICE.
LOOK AT HIM. WHAT WOULD
HE SOUND LIKE TO YOU?
- HA!
- LOUDER.
- HA...
- LOUDER.
- HI.
- GOOD, NOW YOU'RE
IN THE STORE.
WHY WON'T SOMEBODY BUY ME?
OH, HERE COMES A BLONDE LADY.
SHE LOOKS LIKE A LIVE ONE.
HI, BLONDE LADY. IF
YOU TOUCH MY NECK
I'LL LET YOU GO,
"NANNY, NANNY, NANNY."
JACK YOU'RE MAKING ME
LOOK LIKE A BIG DUMMY.
OH, COME ON. I DIDN'T
MEAN IT, ALL RIGHT?
OF COURSE YOU DID. WHY WOULD YOU
SAY IT? IT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.
GO ON, JANET.
WHAT IS HE THINKING?
- WHO?
- JACK. WHY DON'T YOU
BE JACK AND SHOW US?
- GO ON.
- (Chrissy laughs)
- I CAN DO THIS.
- I'M SURE YOU CAN.
THANK YOU.
WHO-AH!
EXCUSE ME, I'M JACK
TRIPPER, GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN.
I AM NOT. WELL MAYBE A LITTLE.
I'M A REAL TOGETHER
KIND OF GUY, YOU KNOW?
ONLY I DO TAKE MY FORK
AND MAKE RAILROAD TRACKS
IN MY FARINA AND GO, "CHEW,
CHEW, CHEW" WHEN I EAT IT.
YOU DO THAT, TRIPPER?
WELL, THERE'S... OH, GOSH.
I USED TO PLAY DIVE-BOMBER
WITH MY MASHED POTATOES.
(airplane noise) ALL GONE.
DOCTOR, AS LONG AS WE'RE
SPILLING SECRETS HERE,
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SOMEONE
WHO CRITICIZES EVERYBODY, ALL THE TIME?
I DO NOT! I MEAN, WHO?
JACK STOP EATING YOUR
CEREAL WITH YOUR FORK.
CHRISSY DON'T SCRAPE YOUR TOAST.
HE'S RIGHT, JANET.
YOU'RE NOT PERFECT.
I NEVER SAID I WAS.
- YOU SAID IT, CHRISSY.
- I DON'T CARE IF I SAID IT.
- (arguing)
- (shouts) JUST A MINUTE!
DIDN'T YOU HAVE ALL
THESE LITTLE IRRITATIONS
- AND ANNOYANCES BEFORE?
- YES.
AND SOMEHOW YOU
SEEM TO LIVE WITH THEM.
UNTIL...
All together: THE MONEY.
YES, THAT OLD DEVIL MONEY HAS
BOUGHT OUT YOUR BASER INSTINCTS.
HERE, NOW THIS PILLOW
REPRESENTS THE MONEY.
A LOT OF MONEY.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THOUGHT
THAT OCCURS TO YOU?
(stammering) LET'S DIVIDE
IT INTO THREE HALVES.
WHY DON'T WE LEAVE
IT IN ONE LUMP AND...
THAT'S HOW THIS WHOLE
THING GOT STARTED, REMEMBER?
I DON'T CARE. IT'S MY MONEY
AND WE CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT.
- IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY.
- STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
THIS MONEY IS KILLING US.
I'LL TELL YOU, I HATE THIS
MONEY! I REALLY HATE THIS MONEY!
I HATE YOU! I HATE
YOU! I HATE YOU!
I DO TOO! CHRISSY,
LET'S HELP HER.
I HATE IT TOO.
Together: YEAH!
WE KILLED THE MONEY.
YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.
BUT YOU'RE CURED.
LOOK AT YOURSELVES.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DOCTOR. I FEEL SO GOOD.
- ME TOO.
ME TOO. ISN'T THIS GREAT?
OH, DOCTOR, YOU ARE WONDERFUL.
YEAH, WELL, I KNOW.
I BET WE NEVER HAVE
PROBLEMS WITH MONEY AGAIN.
I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA. WHY DON'T
WE TAKE THE REST OF THE MONEY
AND SPEND ALL OF
IT AND HAVE A BALL!
I... WE CAN'T.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE I SPENT IT ALL.
- ALL OF IT?
- ON WHAT?
ON HIM.
YOU SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON HIM?
WELL, YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED AT
WHAT I CHARGE FOR A WHOLE AFTERNOON.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.
I MADE SOME NICE HOT
CEREAL FOR YOU ON THE STOVE.
- THANKS.
- YEAH, JACK.
AND IF YOU WANT TO, YOU
CAN EAT IT WITH YOUR FORK.
IT'S DISGUSTING, BUT GO AHEAD.
JANET, IF IT BOTHERS YOU,
I'LL EAT IT WITH A SPOON.
I CAN ALWAYS PLAY STEAM SHOVEL.
DIG A DITCH, DIG A
DITCH, DIG A DITCH.
AND JANET, I'M NOT GOING TO SCRAPE MY
TOAST ANYMORE. I KNOW IT IRRITATES YOU.
CHRISSY, GO AHEAD. WHAT'S A
LITTLE SCRAPPING BETWEEN FRIENDS?
- YEAH? OH, OKAY.
- HM-HMM.
(loud scraping)
YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE
YOU'D BETTER NOT DO THAT.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT
THE THREE OF US THIS MORNING,
I'M GOING TO MAKE ONE OF
MY EXTRA SPECIAL OMELETS.
- GREAT.
- OH, GOOD!
I THINK WE REALLY LEARNED ABOUT
WHAT IT TAKES FOR
PEOPLE TO LIVE TOGETHER.
YEAH, WE LEARNED A LOT
ABOUT GIVING AND SHARING.
- AND NOT BEING PETTY.
- ESPECIALLY NOT BEING PETTY.
YEAH.
- CHRISSY?
- HUH?
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
WE WOULDN'T BE PETTY?
- I DID.
WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA OF PUTTING
YOUR INITIALS ON THIS EGG?
- I DIDN'T.
- SURE YOU DID.
C.S. STANDS FOR CHRISSY SNOW.
NO, C.S. STANDS
FOR CRACKED SHELL.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
OH, BOY, CHRISSY. LOOK AT THAT.
AREN'T YOU GLAD WE
SHAMPOOED THE CARPET?
I SURE AM. I CAN'T STAND
A RUG WITH DANDRUFF.
- (snorts)
- (doorbell rings)
I'LL GET IT.
- HI, LAR. COME IN.
- HOW YOU DOING?
ON THE PAPER. WE JUST
SHAMPOOED OUR CARPET.
- ALL RIGHT, SURE.
- HEY JACK, LARRY'S HERE.
Jack: BE RIGHT WITH
YOU, LARRY. SIT DOWN.
(Call to the post)
IT IS ALMOST POST TIME.
I HEAR YOU TALKING.
LET ME SEE THAT PAPER.
HERE YOU GO.
SO YOU GUYS ARE GOING
TO THE TRACK, HUH?
LARRY INVITED ME. HE'S
GOT A COUPLE OF PASSES.
I'VE ALSO GOT THE
HORSE TO BET ON.
IT'S BEEN HANDICAPPED
BY ALL THE EXPERTS.
YOU'RE GOING TO BET
ON A CRIPPLED HORSE?
NO, NO, CHRISSY. ITCHY
FINGER, IT'S A SURE THING.
- I'VE ALSO GOT
THE DAILY DOUBLE.
- WHAT'S THE DAILY DOUBLE?
THE DAILY DOUBLE. SEE, CHRISSY,
YOU BET ON THE WINNING HORSES
OF BOTH THE FIRST AND SECOND
RACE... IT'S A LITTLE COMPLICATED.
- BUT YOU CAN WIN A BUNDLE.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
OH, YEAH? I'D LIKE
TO BET ON THAT.
- JACK, WOULD YOU FOR ME?
- SURE, CHRISSY.
HERE'S A DOLLAR.
I THINK THAT THE MINIMUM
BET ON THE DAILY DOUBLE IS $2.
OH, THEN I'LL JUST BET
ON THE DAILY SINGLE.
HERE, I'LL GIVE YOU THE
OTHER DOLLAR. THERE.
- THANKS. HERE, JACK.
- THANK YOU, CHRISSY.
HERE ARE THE ENTRIES,
TAKE YOUR PICK.
OH LOOK, HERE'S
ONE IN THE FIRST RACE
CALLED, "NANNY NANNY."
AH, ISN'T THAT NIFTY, NIFTY?
NANNY NANNY? THAT'S A 20-1 SHOT.
I DON'T CARE. WHEN
I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
WHENEVER I USED TO
SUCK MY THUMB I'D GO,
"NANNY, NANNY, NANNY."
YOU JUST CAN'T BEAT
THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD.
WOULD YOU BOYS PLEASE
LET HER PICK HER HORSE?
GOT ANYTHING THAT
HOT IN THE SECOND RACE?
(laughing)
- SHHH!
- HERE'S "TILLY'S DREAM."
WELL ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S THE FAVORITE.
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE
GIRL I HAD AN AUNT TILLY
WHO LIVED IN CHICAGO IN AN
APARTMENT ON THE SECOND FLOOR.
SECOND FLOOR, SECOND RACE.
THERE'S A CERTAIN LOGIC IN THAT.
OKAY, IN THE SECOND RACE
YOU WANT "TILLY'S DREAM?"
NO, I WANT "BROKEN ELEVATOR."
WHAT!?
WHEN WE'D GO VISIT MY AUNT
TILLY WE HAD TO WALK UP THE STAIRS
BECAUSE HER ELEVATOR
WAS ALWAYS BROKEN.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE
I START GOING "NANNY, NANNY."
CAN YOU BELIEVE
THIS GIRL WITH HER...
(shouts) GET OFF THE CARPET!
- OH, OH, OH!
- SORRY! SORRY!
Both: NANNY, NANNY, NANNY!
GIRLS? JANET, CHRISSY,
WHERE ARE YOU?
JACK? JACK, HOW'D YOU DO?
NOT UNTIL CHRISSY
GETS HERE. CHRISSY?
- YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
- HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS.
"NANNY NANNY" CAME IN.
WHERE?
IN THE FIRST RACE. "NANNY
NANNY" WON THE FIRST RACE.
SHE DID? THAT'S WONDERFUL.
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
- THAT'S NOT ALL.
"BROKEN ELEVATOR" ALSO CAME IN.
OH, THAT'S NICE, TOO.
CHRISSY, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU HIT THE DAILY DOUBLE.
YOU ARE THE PROUD OWNER
OF 1,637, HURT ME, DOLLARS.
OH!
(shrieks)
I THINK THAT FINALLY GOT TO HER.
MY GOSH. IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S SO CRISP.
AND IT'S SO... GREEN.
THAT'S BECAUSE
IT WAS JUST PICKED.
CHRISSY YOU WON
THE THE DAILY DOUBLE.
I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
BUT THIS ISN'T ALL MINE.
OF COURSE IT IS. IT WAS
YOUR IDEA TO MAKE A BET.
YEAH, YOU PICKED
THE WINNING HORSES.
HOW I WILL NEVER KNOW.
YEAH, BUT I COULDN'T
HAVE DONE IT
- UNLESS YOU GAVE ME
THE OTHER DOLLAR.
- OH.
JANET, WE ARE FRIENDS
AND WE ARE PARTNERS
AND WE'RE GOING TO
SPLIT THIS MONEY 50-50.
CHRISSY!
OH WAIT. JACK YOU'RE
ALSO A PARTNER.
- NO, NO.
- YES.
YOU WENT TO THE
TRACK, YOU MADE THE BET.
WE'RE GOING TO
SPLIT THIS 50-50-50.
- NO, NO.
- YES, IT'S SHARE
AND SHARE ALIKE.
- AW.
- YEAH.
WE'RE THE THREE MUSKETEERS.
YEAH, WE'RE LIKE A CANDY BAR.
NO.
YES WE ARE. SOME
SWEETS AND SOME NUTS.
GOSH, WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH ALL THIS MONEY?
IT'S GOING TO BE A LOT LESS AFTER
THE FOURTH MUSKETEER TAKES HIS SHARE.
- WHAT?
- THE TAX COLLECTOR.
IF WE'RE SMART THE
FIRST THING WE WOULD DO
IS TAKE AT LEAST THREE
MONTHS RENT AND PUT IT AWAY.
YEAH, AND WE'LL STILL
HAVE A LOT LEFT OVER.
WE SHOULD GO DOWN
TO THE BANK TOMORROW
AND OPEN OURSELVES A
JOINT SAVINGS ACCOUNT.
WHAT A GOOD IDEA. THEN IT
WILL BE EARNING INTEREST.
THEN WHENEVER ONE OF
US NEEDS SOME MONEY,
- SHE CAN...
- OR HE.
- (doorbell rings)
- HE OR SHE, THANK YOU.
HE OR SHE CAN GO RIGHT DOWN TO
THE BANK AND TAKE OUT WHAT THEY NEED.
OH, YEAH. ONE FOR ALL...
Both: AND ALL FOR ONE.
- HEY, LAR.
- HEY.
- HI, LARRY.
- (chuckling)
WELL, LITTLE CHRISSY.
HOW'S IT FEEL TO
BE A BIG WINNER?
OH, I WAS JUST LUCKY.
THAT'S WHAT I KEEP
TELLING MYSELF.
SAY, CHRISSY, I'M GOING
TO THE TRACK TOMORROW.
JUST FOR KICKS,
ANY OTHER FUNNY THINGS HAPPEN
TO YOU WHEN YOU WERE A KID?
WELL, ONCE I FELL OFF
MY BRAND NEW SLED.
YOU DID? GOOD. BRAND NEW SLED.
- NO. NO HORSE NAMED...
- AND I SKINNED MY KNEE.
SKINNED KNEE, SINNED KNEE... NO.
OH, DID YOU EVER GET
CAUGHT IN A FLOOD?
- NO.
- THAT'S TOO BAD.
"SWOLLEN RIVER" PAYS 100-1.
- ONCE I HAD SWOLLEN GLANDS.
- THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH.
GO FOR THE GUSTO, LARRY.
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!
- JANET?
- HMM?
WHERE DID WE GET THIS?
WHAT? OH, THAT. I BOUGHT IT.
THIS CHATEAU LAFITTE ROTHCHILD
IS $75 A BOTTLE. WHY
DID YOU DO THAT?
OH JACK, I JUST FIGURED
WHY NOT HAVE THE
VERY BEST FOR ONCE?
YEAH, BUT THE ONLY
PEOPLE WHO CAN AFFORD THIS
ARE KINGS, MILLIONAIRES
AND AUTO MECHANICS.
JACK, ALL DAY I WAS WALKING AROUND
WITH THIS LITTLE VOICE INSIDE ME
THAT KEPT SAYING,
"SPEND, SPEND, SPEND."
AND I KEPT THINKING,
"YES, YES, YES."
I THINK I MAY DO SOME
SPENDING MY OWN SELF TODAY.
WHERE'S OUR BLOATED BANK BOOK?
HERE'S OVER BY THE TELEPHONE.
- OH! OH!
- (screaming) I'M GONNA GET YOU.
- IT'S NOT HERE.
- IT ISN'T?
- NO.
- JANET? JACK?
GUESS WHAT I BOUGHT!
I THINK I KNOW WHERE
THE BANK BOOK WENT.
TA-DA!
CHRISSY WHERE DID
YOU GET THIS THING?
ISN'T IT GREAT?
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED AN
ANIMAL IN THE BEDROOM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK ME?
WOW, IT'S UH...
IT'S BIG, ISN'T IT?
YEAH. I BOUGHT IT FOR ALL OF US.
OH GOOD. JUST WHAT
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.
- CHRISSY?
- DON'T YOU LIKE IT?
- (laughs)
- CHRISSY, HOW MUCH
DID YOU PAY FOR IT?
(laughs) IT COST $200.
WHAT!
CHRISSY!
YOU SPENT $200 TO
BUY THAT DUMB THING?
WELL, YOU SAID THAT
ANYBODY COULD BUY
WHATEVER THEY WANTED
WHENEVER THEY WANTED.
WELL YES, CHRISSY, BUT...
BEFORE YOU WENT OUT AND
SPENT $200 ON A THING LIKE THAT
WE SHOULD HAVE TALKED IT OVER.
I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF THAT, JANET,
BEFORE YOU SPENT $75
ON A BOTTLE OF WINE.
(gasps)
YOU SPENT $75 ON
A BOTTLE OF WINE?
CHRISSY, $75 ON WINE
IS A LOT BETTER THAN
200 ON A STUPID TOY.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. LET'S JUST
FORGET IT. ALL RIGHT, GIRLS?
CHRISSY, MAY I PLEASE
HAVE THE BANK BOOK?
OKAY.
WAIT. WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?
I WANT TO BUY A
NEW JOGGING SUIT.
WHAT?
DON'T YOU HAVE ONE THAT'S
PRACTICALLY BRAND NEW?
SO WHAT. I WANT TO
BUY ANOTHER ONE.
YOU'RE JUST DOING
THIS TO BE SPITEFUL.
NO, JUST TO GET EVEN.
YOU TWO GO OUT AND BUY
WHATEVER YOU WANT, WHY CAN'T I?
LOOK, JACK, I ONLY SPENT $75.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO SPENT 200.
AT LEAST WHAT I BOUGHT
IS CUDDLY AND FOREVER.
NOT JUST A BOTTLE
OF SQUASHED GRAPES.
SQUASHED... OH!
NOW HEAR THIS.
THIS IS MY WINE AND
NOBODY DRINKS IT BUT ME!
OH, YEAH?
THEN THIS BELONGS TO ME
AND NOBODY TOUCHES IT BUT ME.
RIGHT, I'M GOING OUT AND BUYING
A VERY EXPENSIVE JOGGING SUIT
AND NOBODY ZIPS IT BUT ME.
(groans)
GOOD MORNING.
THAT'S YOUR OPINION.
OKAY.
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANTED?
I BELIEVE YOU'RE HOLDING MY EGG.
YOUR EGG?
WHY DID YOU PUT
YOUR INITIALS ON IT?
OH MY GOD, SHE DID.
GOOD MORN... FORGET IT.
JANET IF I WERE YOU, BEFORE
I POUR THAT ORANGE JUICE,
I'D CHECK IT OUT. CHRISSY
MIGHT HAVE PUT HER INITIALS ON IT.
COME ON, JACK. HOW COULD
SHE INITIAL ORANGE JUICE?
WHEN IT WAS FROZEN.
OH, GOSH!
(clinking)
CHRISSY, CUT IT OUT! I CAN'T STAND
IT WHEN YOU SCRAPE YOUR TOAST.
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
- (clinking)
- CHRISSY!
WELL WHAT ELSE DON'T YOU LIKE?
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I DON'T LIKE.
JACK, WHY DO YOU EAT YOUR
CEREAL WITH YOUR FORK?
YEAH, JACK?
WHY DO YOU MAKE RAILROAD TRACKS
WITH YOUR FORK IN YOUR FARINA?
I DON'T MAKE RAILROAD
TRACKS WITH MY FORK.
YOU JUST DID.
WHY? WHY DO YOU
MAKE TRACKS, JACK?
IT'S A LITTLE GAME MY
MOTHER TAUGHT ME.
SEE, WHAT YOU DO IS FIRST
YOU DRAW THE TRACKS LIKE THIS,
AND THEN YOU GO, CHOO-CHOO,
CHOO-CHOO, CHOO-CHOO.
CHEW-CHEW, CHEW-CHEW, CHEW-CHEW.
SEE, ALL GONE. I ATE MY TWAIN.
ISN'T THAT CUTE?
YES IT IS! IT'S BETTER THAN LEAVING
LIP GLOSS ON HALF-EATEN DOUGHNUTS.
HEY, JUST A MINUTE, BUSTER!
I DO NOT LEAVE LIP GLOSS
ON A HALF-EATEN DOUGHNUT.
SHE'S RIGHT. I DO.
SPEAKING OF THINGS
WE CAN'T STAND,
HAVE YOU EVER ONCE
CONSIDERED PUTTING THE CAP
BACK ON THE TOOTHPASTE
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED WITH IT?
- SO A LITTLE RUNS OUT.
- A LITTLE?
IT'S LIKE BEING ATTACKED
BY PEPPERMINT WORMS.
WELL EXCUSE ME.
YOU'D NEVER DO ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. YOU'RE PERFECT.
OH! JACK?
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
DO YOU THINK I'M PERFECT?
YES, JANET I DO. A PERFECT PAIN.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO KNOW WHERE?
- NO!
I THINK WE'D BETTER STOP
HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.
MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP
HAVING ANY CONVERSATION.
- FINE WITH ME!
- ME TOO!
(crying)
Together: SHUT UP!
YOU, TOO!
(continues crying)
- (crying) - HEY, HEY, HEY.
CHRISSY, WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, LARRY.
- THERE, THERE.
JUST LEAN ON THIS
BIG STRONG SHOULDER.
THERE. YEAH.
I GUESS I WAS JUST BORN
TO MAKE WOMEN FEEL BETTER.
JUST TELL UNCLE LARRY HIS
NAME AND I'LL TEAR HIM APART.
HIS NAME IS JACK AND JANET.
OH, LARRY, EVERYTHING'S
GONE WRONG.
- I FEEL AWFUL.
- AWFUL?
AFTER ALL THAT MAZUMA
YOU WON AT THE TRACK?
THAT'S JUST IT, LARRY.
EVER SINCE WE GOT THAT MONEY
WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING AND BICKERING,
AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH
BRINGING A GIRAFFE HOME?
WELL NOTHING IF YOU'VE
GOT HIGH CEILINGS.
NOW WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
NOT TALKING ANYMORE.
I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM.
OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU JUST
SAW ME COME FROM UPSTAIRS.
NO, CHRISSY, I MEAN,
PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING.
YOU SEE, TOO MUCH MONEY ALL
AT ONCE CAN MAKE YOU MISERABLE.
PERSONALLY I DON'T SEE HOW.
OH LARRY.
YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT
PSYCHOLOGY DON'T YOU?
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID,
YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE
PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME,
BUT A USED-CAR SALESMAN
GETS TO FOOL THEM ALL THE TIME.
(laughs) SEE?
I'M A USED CAR...
ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP US?
WHO ME? NO, I COULDN'T.
WAIT A SECOND.
WHAT ABOUT THAT DOCTOR
THAT JACK WENT TO?
YOU KNOW, TO BUILD
UP HIS SELF CONFIDENCE?
- DR. PRESCOTT.
- YES.
OH, LARRY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
(whistles)
I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE
LOOKED FAMILIAR.
- DIDN'T I SAY THIS PLACE
LOOKED FAMILIAR?
- YES.
IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE
BRINGING US TO DR. PRESCOTT
- I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME.
- THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU.
DR. PRESCOTT SAID HE
NEEDED TO SEE ALL THREE OF US.
CHRISSY, WHY DID YOU MAKE
ME DRAG THIS THING ALONG?
I FELT SO EMBARRASSED
ON THE BUS.
IT'S PART OF OUR PROBLEM AND I
THOUGHT THE DOCTOR SHOULD SEE IT.
YOUR PROBLEM, CHRISSY. IF YOU DON'T
MIND, I DON'T NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST.
- OH, I FORGOT,
YOU'RE PERFECT.
- I NEVER SAID THAT.
SHE NEVER SAID THAT. THAT'S
RIGHT, JANET NEVER SAID THAT.
JACK, PLEASE. I CAN
DEFEND MYSELF, THANK YOU.
- (clears throat)
- DR. PRESCOTT!
DON'T LET ME INTERRUPT.
PLEASE, GO ON WITH YOUR HATRED.
HI, I'M CHRISSY SNOW,
THE ONE WHO CALLED.
- YES.
- ON THE TELEPHONE.
THAT'S HOW IT'S USUALLY DONE.
HI, I'M JANET WOOD.
FORMER FRIEND.
DOCTOR, HI. JACK
TRIPPER. REMEMBER ME?
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE
WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER.
YES, I WOULD SAY
TOO LONG, TRIPPER.
- I MADE HIM BRING THAT.
- OH?
THAT'S THE THING THAT
STARTED ALL OUR FIGHTING.
- WELL I LIKE HIM.
- (mocking) WELL I LIKE HIM.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT THIS CUTE
LITTLE THING COULD GET ANYONE ANGRY.
OH, YEAH? WAIT TILL SHE TELLS
YOU SHE SPENT $200 FOR IT.
$200 FOR THIS? (laughs)
SEE THAT. EVEN THE DOCTOR
THINKS IT'S RIDICULOUS.
OF COURSE HE DOES.
NOW YOU'RE ALL GANGING UP ON ME.
I'M SORRY. IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT THE THREE OF YOU
HAVE SOME VERY HEAVY HOSTILITY.
I'M GLAD I WAS ABLE TO MAKE
AVAILABLE THE ENTIRE AFTERNOON TO YOU.
I JUST PRAY THAT
YOU CAN HELP US.
PLEASE, I'M NOT A GOD.
ALTHOUGH I AM AS CLOSE AS
YOU CAN GET IN A HUMAN BEING.
WHY DON'T WE ALL SIT DOWN
AND LET'S GET TO WORK?
- I'M READY. I'LL TRY.
- GO AHEAD.
TRIPPER, SUPPOSE
WE START WITH YOU?
JUST SAY ANYTHING OFF
THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.
HAIR.
(laughing) HAIR?
- GIRLS?
- WELL, HAIR.
DECORUM.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE THAT LITERAL.
I MEAN WHAT COMES TO MIND
WHEN YOU SEE THIS ANIMAL?
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
- I FEEL ANGRY.
- GOOD.
ANGRY BECAUSE CHRISSY
DIDN'T USE HER HEAD.
GOOD. HOW DO YOU THINK THE
ANIMAL FEELS ABOUT ALL THIS?
THE ANIM... WHAT?
IT'S JUST A TOY. IT DOESN'T
HAVE ANY FEELINGS.
WELL, FOR OUR
PURPOSES SUPPOSE IT CAN.
I WANT YOU TO GO BACK TO
THE BEGINNING IN THE STORE.
GO AHEAD.
NOW, I WANT YOU TO
GIVE THE ANIMAL A VOICE.
LOOK AT HIM. WHAT WOULD
HE SOUND LIKE TO YOU?
- HA!
- LOUDER.
- HA...
- LOUDER.
- HI.
- GOOD, NOW YOU'RE
IN THE STORE.
WHY WON'T SOMEBODY BUY ME?
OH, HERE COMES A BLONDE LADY.
SHE LOOKS LIKE A LIVE ONE.
HI, BLONDE LADY. IF
YOU TOUCH MY NECK
I'LL LET YOU GO,
"NANNY, NANNY, NANNY."
JACK YOU'RE MAKING ME
LOOK LIKE A BIG DUMMY.
OH, COME ON. I DIDN'T
MEAN IT, ALL RIGHT?
OF COURSE YOU DID. WHY WOULD YOU
SAY IT? IT'S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.
GO ON, JANET.
WHAT IS HE THINKING?
- WHO?
- JACK. WHY DON'T YOU
BE JACK AND SHOW US?
- GO ON.
- (Chrissy laughs)
- I CAN DO THIS.
- I'M SURE YOU CAN.
THANK YOU.
WHO-AH!
EXCUSE ME, I'M JACK
TRIPPER, GOD'S GIFT TO WOMEN.
I AM NOT. WELL MAYBE A LITTLE.
I'M A REAL TOGETHER
KIND OF GUY, YOU KNOW?
ONLY I DO TAKE MY FORK
AND MAKE RAILROAD TRACKS
IN MY FARINA AND GO, "CHEW,
CHEW, CHEW" WHEN I EAT IT.
YOU DO THAT, TRIPPER?
WELL, THERE'S... OH, GOSH.
I USED TO PLAY DIVE-BOMBER
WITH MY MASHED POTATOES.
(airplane noise) ALL GONE.
DOCTOR, AS LONG AS WE'RE
SPILLING SECRETS HERE,
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT SOMEONE
WHO CRITICIZES EVERYBODY, ALL THE TIME?
I DO NOT! I MEAN, WHO?
JACK STOP EATING YOUR
CEREAL WITH YOUR FORK.
CHRISSY DON'T SCRAPE YOUR TOAST.
HE'S RIGHT, JANET.
YOU'RE NOT PERFECT.
I NEVER SAID I WAS.
- YOU SAID IT, CHRISSY.
- I DON'T CARE IF I SAID IT.
- (arguing)
- (shouts) JUST A MINUTE!
DIDN'T YOU HAVE ALL
THESE LITTLE IRRITATIONS
- AND ANNOYANCES BEFORE?
- YES.
AND SOMEHOW YOU
SEEM TO LIVE WITH THEM.
UNTIL...
All together: THE MONEY.
YES, THAT OLD DEVIL MONEY HAS
BOUGHT OUT YOUR BASER INSTINCTS.
HERE, NOW THIS PILLOW
REPRESENTS THE MONEY.
A LOT OF MONEY.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THOUGHT
THAT OCCURS TO YOU?
(stammering) LET'S DIVIDE
IT INTO THREE HALVES.
WHY DON'T WE LEAVE
IT IN ONE LUMP AND...
THAT'S HOW THIS WHOLE
THING GOT STARTED, REMEMBER?
I DON'T CARE. IT'S MY MONEY
AND WE CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT.
- IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY.
- STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
THIS MONEY IS KILLING US.
I'LL TELL YOU, I HATE THIS
MONEY! I REALLY HATE THIS MONEY!
I HATE YOU! I HATE
YOU! I HATE YOU!
I DO TOO! CHRISSY,
LET'S HELP HER.
I HATE IT TOO.
Together: YEAH!
WE KILLED THE MONEY.
YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.
BUT YOU'RE CURED.
LOOK AT YOURSELVES.
- YOU'RE RIGHT, DOCTOR. I FEEL SO GOOD.
- ME TOO.
ME TOO. ISN'T THIS GREAT?
OH, DOCTOR, YOU ARE WONDERFUL.
YEAH, WELL, I KNOW.
I BET WE NEVER HAVE
PROBLEMS WITH MONEY AGAIN.
I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA. WHY DON'T
WE TAKE THE REST OF THE MONEY
AND SPEND ALL OF
IT AND HAVE A BALL!
I... WE CAN'T.
- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE I SPENT IT ALL.
- ALL OF IT?
- ON WHAT?
ON HIM.
YOU SPENT ALL OUR MONEY ON HIM?
WELL, YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED AT
WHAT I CHARGE FOR A WHOLE AFTERNOON.
- GOOD MORNING.
- GOOD MORNING.
NOW THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.
I MADE SOME NICE HOT
CEREAL FOR YOU ON THE STOVE.
- THANKS.
- YEAH, JACK.
AND IF YOU WANT TO, YOU
CAN EAT IT WITH YOUR FORK.
IT'S DISGUSTING, BUT GO AHEAD.
JANET, IF IT BOTHERS YOU,
I'LL EAT IT WITH A SPOON.
I CAN ALWAYS PLAY STEAM SHOVEL.
DIG A DITCH, DIG A
DITCH, DIG A DITCH.
AND JANET, I'M NOT GOING TO SCRAPE MY
TOAST ANYMORE. I KNOW IT IRRITATES YOU.
CHRISSY, GO AHEAD. WHAT'S A
LITTLE SCRAPPING BETWEEN FRIENDS?
- YEAH? OH, OKAY.
- HM-HMM.
(loud scraping)
YOU'RE RIGHT. MAYBE
YOU'D BETTER NOT DO THAT.
YOU KNOW, I FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT
THE THREE OF US THIS MORNING,
I'M GOING TO MAKE ONE OF
MY EXTRA SPECIAL OMELETS.
- GREAT.
- OH, GOOD!
I THINK WE REALLY LEARNED ABOUT
WHAT IT TAKES FOR
PEOPLE TO LIVE TOGETHER.
YEAH, WE LEARNED A LOT
ABOUT GIVING AND SHARING.
- AND NOT BEING PETTY.
- ESPECIALLY NOT BEING PETTY.
YEAH.
- CHRISSY?
- HUH?
- I THOUGHT YOU SAID
WE WOULDN'T BE PETTY?
- I DID.
WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA OF PUTTING
YOUR INITIALS ON THIS EGG?
- I DIDN'T.
- SURE YOU DID.
C.S. STANDS FOR CHRISSY SNOW.
NO, C.S. STANDS
FOR CRACKED SHELL.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.