Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 21 - Lee Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

(doorbell rings)

Both: I'LL GET IT.

- WHY DON'T WE
BOTH GET IT?
- OKAY.

- HI.
- Girls: HI.

I BROUGHT YOUR MAIL. MAILMAN
MUST'VE PUT IT IN MY BOX BY MISTAKE.

MR. FURLEY, THANKS.
THAT'S REAL NICE OF YOU.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, THEY WANT MONEY
TO SAVE THE WHALES.

I GOT ONE, TOO. I
THREW MINE OUT.



YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT. WHALES
ARE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

THAT'S RIGHT. IF WE DON'T
SAVE THEM, WHO WILL?

OH, SAVING WHALES.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU OUGHT TO DO
WHAT I DO, SAVE STAMPS.

THEY TAKE UP LESS ROOM,

AND THEY DON'T GET
YOUR CARPET ALL SOGGY.

ISN'T THAT A WHALE OF A JOKE?

IF HE KEEPS TELLING JOKES LIKE
THAT, HE'LL BE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

- (phone rings)
- I'LL GET IT.

HELLO?

NO, JACK'S NOT HOME.
WHO'S CALLING PLEASE?

LEE TRIPPER? LEE TRIPPER!

- WHO'S LEE TRIPPER?
- I DON'T KNOW.

WHO ARE YOU?

IT'S JACK'S BROTHER!

HI!

NO, I'M CHRISSY. SHE'S JANET.

JACK WILL BE SO SORRY
HE MISSED YOUR CALL.

YOU'RE IN TOWN? WELL, GREAT.

SURE, WE'LL BE HOME.

OKAY, JACK WILL BE SO
EXCITED WHEN I TELL HIM!

OKAY. BYE! JANET, GUESS WHAT!

- JACK'S BROTHER'S IN TOWN
AND HE'S GONNA COME OVER.
- WHO TOLD YOU?

I'M PSYCHIC.

HI, GIRLS! ISN'T IT
A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

THE BIRDS ARE SINGING,
THE SUN IS SHINING...

AND YOUR BROTHER
LEE IS COMING TO VISIT.

ISN'T THIS A MISERABLE DAY?

HE'LL BE HERE IN A FEW HOURS.

OH, NUTS!

WHAT'S THE MATTER? DON'T
YOU LIKE YOUR BROTHER?

I LOVE HIM. HE'S A
WONDERFUL PERSON.

IT'S JUST THAT I
CAN'T STAND HIM!

YOU'RE NOT MAKING SENSE.

NO... IT'S... WAIT, I'LL
SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

BOY, IF MY BROTHER WERE
COMING TO VISIT, I'D BE HAPPY.

YOU DON'T HAVE A
BROTHER, CHRISSY.

THAT'S WHY I'D BE HAPPY.
I ALWAYS WANTED ONE.

- YOU WANT TO SEE
WHAT LEE LOOKS LIKE?
- YEAH.

GOT SOME OLD PHOTOGRAPHS HERE.

- COME HERE, CHRISSY.
- GOOD, I LOVE PICTURES.

- DON'T PUSH!
- THERE'S PLENTY OF ROOM. STOP SHOVING.

- NOW LOOK. SEE?
- OH, LOOK!

JACK, YOU WERE A
HANDSOME LITTLE BOY.

- THAT'S LEE.
- OH.

WHO'S THE CUTE LITTLE
GIRL STANDING NEXT TO HIM?

THAT'S ME. MY HAIR
WAS LONGER THEN.

- OH.
- HE'S TALLER THAN YOU.

HE HAD THICKER SOCKS ON.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU HAD A
BROTHER. YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HIM.

I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY
GRANDMOTHER, BUT I'VE GOT ONE.

AND SHE'S TALLER THAN ME, TOO.

BOY, YOUR BROTHER
WAS SOME ATHLETE.

WHOO!

THERE HE IS WINNING
THE 100-YARD DASH.

THERE HE IS GETTING A TROPHY

FOR FIRST PLACE IN
THE TENNIS TOURNAMENT.

BUT THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN COMING IN FIRST, YOU KNOW.

YEAH THERE'S COMING IN SECOND

AND THERE YOU ARE DOING IT.

GOSH, LEE WAS A
SCHOLAR, TOO. LOOK AT THIS.

CLASS VALEDICTORIAN.

BOY, IF YOUR BROTHER'S
SMART AND HANDSOME

AND GOOD IN SPORTS,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM.

BOY, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
SOMETHING YOU'D SAY.

YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW
HARD IT WAS GROWING UP

UP WITH A BROTHER WHO
WAS PERFECT AT EVERYTHING.

WHEN I WAS AROUND HIM, I JUST
COULDN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

IT WAS W... I... I DON'T EVEN
TALK GOOD AROUND HIM.

OH, JACK. COME ON, RELAX.

- WE HAPPEN TO THINK
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
- YEAH.

IT'S NO CONTEST. FACE IT, GIRLS.

HE MAKES A GREAT
LIVING DOING A GREAT JOB,

AND HE GETS TO TRAVEL
TO ALL THESE PLACES.

AND WHAT AM I? JUST A LOUSY
STUDENT AT COOKING SCHOOL.

OH, JACK, YOU'RE
NOT A LOUSY STUDENT.

- YOU'RE A GOOD STUDENT!
- NO.

YEAH, JACK. AND
YOU'RE A GOOD COOK.

HE'S NOT A GOOD COOK, JANET.

HE'S A GREAT COOK.

NO, HE'S NOT A GREAT COOK,

HE IS THE GREATEST COOK!

WELL?

- THAT'S IT.
- THAT'S IT! THAT'S ENOUGH!

I AM A GREAT COOK, A
BETTER COOK THAN HE IS!

- I'LL SHOW HIM!
- Girls: YEAH!

- I CAN'T WAIT
FOR LEE TO GET HERE!
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO COOK SOMETHING
THAT WILL SEND LEE'S TASTEBUDS

RIGHT UP THROUGH THE WOOF OF HIS
MOWF! THE ROOF... THE ROOF OF HIS...

IT'LL BE GWAIT... GREAT!

OKAY, GIVE ME ALL YOUR SEVENS.

GO FISH.

LADIES, THIS TIME I
HAVE OUTDONE MYSELF.

BEHIND THAT DOOR STANDS
THE WORLD'S GREATEST QUICHE.

ANOTHER MINUTE AND IT
WILL BE BAKED TO PERFECTION.

GREAT! I'M STARVING NOW!

NOBODY EATS UNTIL LEE GETS HERE.

OH, JACK, PLEASE...

OKAY, CHRISSY. I'LL
GIVE YOU A LITTLE QUICHE.

- OH GOOD.
- QUICHE ME,
YOU FOOL!

- (doorbell rings)
- Janet: I'LL GET IT.

THAT'S HIM. LOOK
AT ME, I'M SHAKING.

JACK, IT'S JUST YOUR BROTHER.

HI.

- HI.
- I'M LEE TRIPPER. YOU MUST BE JANET.

I MUST. I MEAN, I AM
JANET. UH, YEAH...

- I'M... I'M JANET.
- JACK'S DESCRIPTION
DIDN'T DO YOU JUSTICE.

IT DIDN'T?

BUT A PRETTY GIRL LIKE YOU
MUST BE USED TO COMPLIMENTS.

YES...

BUT DON'T LET THAT STOP YOU.

JANET? AREN'T YOU GOING
TO INVITE JACK'S BROTHER IN?

WHAT? OH! YES, OF
COURSE. COME IN!

I'M SORRY, COME ON
IN HERE. RIGHT IN HERE.

- HI, WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY.
- PARDON?

WELL, YOU AND JACK ARE BROTHERS,

JANET AND I ARE LIKE SISTERS

AND JACK'S MORE LIKE A
BROTHER THAN A ROOMMATE,

- SO IT'S LIKE
WE'RE ALL RELATED.
- YOU MUST BE CHRISSY.

YOU'RE EVEN MORE STUNNING
THAN JACK SAID YOU WERE.

NO. NO, STUNNING
IS TOO MILD A WORD.

IF ONLY I WERE A POET.

BUT ALAS, WORDS FAIL ME.

- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
- SAY NO MORE.

NO MORE.

WELL, LOOKY WHO'S HERE!

- JACKIE!
- HEY, LEE,
HOW'S IT GOING?

BETTER THAN EVER.
GOOD TO SEE YOU!

YEAH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

I'LL BE IN TOWN FOR
A COUPLE OF DAYS.

LEE, WOULD YOU...

- YOU CARE TO SIT DOWN?
- THANK YOU.

- JACK, THIS IS... VERY NICE.
- Jack: YEAH.

WELL, LEE...

ARE YOU HERE ON BUSINESS?

NOT EXACTLY. MY COMPANY
FLEW ME IN FOR DINNER.

WHY? DON'T THEY HAVE
RESTAURANTS WHERE YOU LIVE?

YES, BUT MY COMPANY'S HAVING ITS
ANNUAL MAN-OF-THE-YEAR BANQUET.

- I WON AGAIN.
- ISN'T THAT TWO YEARS
IN A ROW?

THREE.

ACTUALLY JACK, I WAS HOPING
YOU COULD HELP ME OUT.

I NEED A DATE FOR
THE DINNER TONIGHT.

YOU COULD PROBABLY WIN ONE.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT KNOW A GIRL
WHO'D ENJOY A NIGHT OF DANCING,

CHAMPAGNE, CAVIAR,
THAT SORT OF THING.

SORRY, I DON'T KNOW
ANYBODY LIKE THAT.

MAYBE JANET OR CHRISSY
WOULD LIKE TO GO.

I'D LOVE TO.

OOH, I CAN'T. I HAVE
PLANS TONIGHT.

WELL, LEE, LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

- CHRISSY,
YOU FREE TONIGHT?
- YEAH!

THEN I GUESS YOU'RE
THE LUCKY ONE.

CHRISSY, YOU CAN'T HAVE
DINNER WITH LEE TONIGHT.

- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE... THE SPECIAL
DINNER I'M MAKING...

OH MY GOD, THE QUICHE!

WELL, I'D BETTER GO. I HAVE
TO CHECK INTO MY HOTEL.

CHRISSY, I'LL PICK
YOU UP AT 8:00.

- I'LL BE READY.
- AND BY THE WAY,
IT'S FORMAL.

OKAY. WELL, I'LL
CALL YOU MR. TRIPPER

AND YOU CALL ME MS. SNOW.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I
GOTTA GET DRESSED.

- I'LL SHOW YOU OUT, LEE.
- THANK YOU.

OH, JACK!

IT'S A LITTLE OVERDONE.

- WHAT WAS IT?
- QUICHE.

I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D LIKE A PIECE.

- CHARCOAL'S NOT
MY FAVORITE FOOD.
- I DIDN'T THINK SO.

JACK, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

NEITHER HAVE YOU.

(door unlocking)

- AHA!
- (screams)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING, I WAS JUST GOING TO...

STEP OUT AND GET
A LITTLE FRESH AIR.

REALLY? I THOUGHT PERHAPS
YOU WERE WAITING UP FOR CHRISSY.

OH, COME ON, JANET.
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

- WERE YOU?
- YES.

- YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK?
- WHAT?

I THINK MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE
JEALOUS OF YOUR BROTHER.

ME? JEALOUS? I'M JUST
WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND.

WELL, YOU CAN STOP WORRYING.

YOUR FRIEND IS JUST DOING
YOUR BROTHER A FAVOR.

THAT'S ALL. SHE'S
NOT INTERESTED IN HIM.

- (Chrissy giggles)
- THERE SHE IS NOW.

I'LL BET YOU SHE COULDN'T
WAIT TO GET HOME TONIGHT.

- I'LL LET HER IN.
- OKAY.

WELL, CHRISSY, DID
YOU HAVE A NICE TIME?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.

EXCUSE ME? HELLO?

HI. ARE YOU COMING IN OR WHAT?

- SHALL WE?
- (giggles)

(Lee humming)

CHRISSY IS SUCH A
MARVELOUS DANCER.

I HAVEN'T HAD A PARTNER
LIKE HER SINCE I WON...

Both: FIRST PLACE IN THE ALL-CITY
BALLROOM DANCE COMPETITION.

CHRISSY, YOU HAD A REAL
ROTTEN TIME TONIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
I DON'T REMEMBER.

TONIGHT'S JUST A GREAT BIG BLUR.

YOU MUST REMEMBER SOMETHING.

I REMEMBER THERE
WAS A LOT OF WATER,

AND THINGS WERE
GOING ROUND AND ROUND.

YOU WENT TO A LAUNDROMAT?

THERE'S A FOUNTAIN OUTSIDE
THE OCEAN VIEW PLAZA HOTEL.

- (giggling)
- CHRISSY...

CHRISSY, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

NOPE.

WELL, JUST THREE
CHAMPAGNE COCKTAILS.

THREE, HUH? I AM GOING TO MAKE
YOU SOME VERY STRONG BLACK COFFEE.

I'M ALL RIGHT. FIVE CHAMPAGNE
COCKTAILS, AND EVERYBODY THINKS...

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. FIVE?
YOU SAID THREE JUST NOW.

YEAH. THREE AND FIVE IS EIGHT.

COME ON!

ALL RIGHT, LEE, WHAT
WAS THAT AT THE DOOR?

THAT WAS JUST A
SIMPLE GOOD-NIGHT KISS.

OH, SURE. LET ME ASK YOU THIS:

DID ANYTHING HAPPEN
BETWEEN YOU TWO TONIGHT?

- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- OH, YOU MEAN...
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN.

OF COURSE NOT! WHAT
DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?

I WOULD NEVER TRY THAT
WITH A GIRL ON THE FIRST DATE.

OH, THANK GOODNESS.

OF COURSE, I'M SEEING
CHRISSY AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT.

BUT THAT'LL BE THE SECOND DATE.

JACK, YOU ALWAYS
WERE GOOD AT MATH.

BYE!

CLASS VALEDICTORIAN.
(blows raspberry)

FIRST PLACE, 100-YARD FREESTYLE.

- (doorbell rings)
- FIRST IN THIS,

FIRST IN THAT,
FIRST IN EVERYTHING.

HE WAS EVEN FIRST BORN.

GOOD NEWS, JACK! I'M HERE TO FIX

THAT SINK YOU'VE BEEN
COMPLAINING ABOUT.

GOOD, NOW EVERYTHING'S PERFECT.

HEY... WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE
YOUR USUAL GAY SELF.

NO OFFENSE.

BUT YOU DO SEEM
TO BE A LITTLE DOWN.

I AM.

IS THERE ANYTHING OLD
RALPH CAN DO TO HELP?

NO, MR. FURLEY. IT'S MY
BROTHER. HE UPSETS ME.

WELL, I CAN RELATE TO THAT.

SEE, HE'S IN TOWN, AND
WHENEVER I'M AROUND HIM,

I JUST... I FEEL
BAD ABOUT MYSELF.

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.

YOU AND I HAVE GOT
SOMETHING IN COMMON.

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,

I ALWAYS FELT INFERIOR
TO MY BROTHER BART.

YOU DID? WHY?

MY PARENTS TOLD ME I WAS.

OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE!

OH, THEY TRIED TO BE NICE.

I REMEMBER THEY USED
TO TAKE US TO THE BEACH.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

I HATED IT. BART
BURIED ME IN THE SAND.

A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS BURY
EACH OTHER IN THE SAND.

HEAD FIRST?

YOU REALLY WANT
TO HEAR SOMETHING?

AFTER MY BROTHER LOST
ALL OF HIS BABY TEETH,

HE USED TO STEAL MINE SO HE'D GET
THE MONEY FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY.

THAT'S AWFUL! HE'D
TAKE YOUR TEETH

FROM UNDER YOUR PILLOW
WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP?

NO, OUT OF MY MOUTH
WHEN I WAS AWAKE.

WASN'T HE A PISTOL?

I DON'T FEEL SO BAD ABOUT
GROWING UP WITH LEE.

THANKS A LOT, MR. FURLEY,
I FEEL BETTER AL...

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? AREN'T
YOU GOING TO FIX OUR SINK?

I CAN'T. I'M SO DEPRESSED TALKING
ABOUT MY BROTHER I'VE GOT TO GO.

LOOK WHO I SAW DOWNSTAIRS!

MR. FURLEY, HAVE YOU
MET JACK'S BROTHER?

YOU KEEP YOUR
HANDS OFF HIS TEETH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

OH, HE'S JUST...
ALLERGIC TO BROTHERS.

WELL I LOVE MINE!

AND I LOVE THIS BEAUTIFUL
WEATHER YOU'RE HAVING.

LEE, IT'S BEEN
CLOUDY ALL MORNING.

THE SUN'S ALWAYS SHINING
WHEN I'M NEAR CHRISSY.

WHICH REMINDS ME,
ARE YOU BUSY TONIGHT?

YES, SHE IS. SHE'S
HAVING DINNER WITH ME.

- I AM?
- REMEMBER, WE'RE GOING
OUT TO CHEZ ROBERT,

JUST A QUIET DINNER, JUST
THE TWO OF US, REMEMBER?

THAT'S A SHAME. TONIGHT'S
MY LAST NIGHT IN TOWN,

- AND I WAS HOPING...
- WELL, YOU CAN'T
WIN 'EM ALL.

- I COULD TAKE
YOU OUT TO DINNER.
- SOMETIMES YOU JUST...

ME? YOU WANT TO
TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER?

AFTER ALL, YOU ARE MY BROTHER.

WE HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO TALK IN A LONG TIME.

I UNDERSTAND. YOU TWO
GO OUT, AND I'LL STAY HOME.

NO, WE INSIST YOU
COME WITH US, RIGHT?

- YES. NO!
- YOU DON'T WANT
CHRISSY TO COME?

- NO, I DON'T WANT
TO GO WITH YOU.
- THEN IT'S CHRISSY AND ME.

- RIGHT.
- FINE.

- NO! WAIT.
- YOU'LL COME WITH US?

- YES. NO! YES!
- GOOD, I'LL PICK YOU UP
AT 7:00, CIAO.

RIGHT, THANKS. WAIT, WAIT...

OH, HE DID IT TO ME AGAIN.

- BYE. HI.
- HI.

HOW'S IT GOING, JACK?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

HE'S MAD AT HIS BROTHER AGAIN.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT,

BUT SOMEHOW HE
MANAGED TO INVITE HIMSELF

- OUT TO DINNER
WITH CHRISSY AND ME.
- NO KIDDING?

I SURE WOULDN'T WANT TO
BE IN YOUR BROTHER'S SHOES.

- WHAT?
- COME ON, JACK.

WHERE'S THE ONE PLACE
NOBODY CAN COMPETE WITH YOU?

MY BEDROOM?

GUESS AGAIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TONIGHT?

- A RESTAURANT?
- A FRENCH RESTAURANT.

OH, THAT'S EVEN BETTER!

ISN'T THAT YOUR
SPECIALTY, FRENCH CUISINE?

- YOUR BROTHER CAN'T
COMPETE WITH YOU THERE.
- I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

YEAH, BUT LISTEN, YOU SHOULD
BE A GOOD SPORT ABOUT IT, OKAY?

DON'T YOU EMBARRASS
YOUR BROTHER TOO MUCH.

- I'LL TRY NOT TO.
- OKAY.

JACK, THIS IS A
VERY FANCY PLACE.

OH YES, CHEZ ROBERT IS ONE OF
THE FINEST RESTAURANTS IN THE CITY.

THEY KNOW ME HERE.

- GOOD EVENING.
- AH, ROBERT! HOW ARE YOU
THIS EVENING?

MY NAME IS MAURICE.

AH, YES, MAURICE! WHEN YOU SEE
ROBERT, PLEASE GIVE HIM MY BEST.

WE WOULD LIKE A
QUIET TABLE FOR TROIS,

SOMEWHERE AWAY FROM
THE KITCHEN, IF YOU PLEASE.

- HAVE YOU
A RESERVATION?
- ACTUALLY, NO.

THEN I AM AFRAID I
CANNOT HELP YOU.

WE ARE COMPLETELY
BOOKED THIS EVENING.

SIR...

EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU...
ARE YOU QUITE CERTAIN?

TERRIBLY SORRY, IT WAS A
TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

BUT OF COURSE I
HAVE A TABLE FOR YOU.

- MERCI.
- SEE, I KNEW IT WAS
A TERRIBLE MISUNDERSTANDING.

A TABLE FOR THREE IN A
QUIET CORNER, YOU SAID?

I SAID THAT. HE DIDN'T
SAY THAT. I SAID THAT.

FOLLOW ME, THIS WAY PLEASE.

- CHRISSY.
- Lee: CHRISSY.

- MADEMOISELLE.
- THANK YOU.

- MONSIEUR.
- MAIS MERCI.

- MONSIEUR.
- MERCI BIEN.

I CAN'T READ THIS MENU.

NO, NO, NO. IT'S IN
FRENCH, ALLOW ME.

NOW THEN, LET'S START OFF
WITH "LA FLEUR DE MER FUMÉE."

THOUGH "CONSOMMÉ GERMANY AUX
CROUTONS D'OR" SOUNDS INTERESTING.

AH! I SEE YOU HAVE "LE
BOUDIN BLANC SANG VELOUTÉ."

- OUI.
- THAT'S WONDERFUL, JACK!

OUI, MONSIEUR. (speaking French)

I'M SORRY, I ONLY SPEAK FOOD.

IN THAT CASE, ALLOW ME.

(speaking French)

EXCUSE ME.

WE'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING.

THAT WAS SO GOOD!

IT WAS DELICIOUS, THANK YOU.

- MY PLEASURE, CHRISSY.
- I'M GLAD I WAS HERE
TO ORDER FOR YOU.

WELL, I PICKED THE RESTAURANT.

TRUE, AND YOU
ALMOST GOT US A TABLE.

ANYONE CARE FOR DESSERT?

OH, NOT FOR ME. MY
WAISTLINE, YOU KNOW.

I'LL HAVE THE GÂTEAU AU
CHOCOLAT, S'IL VOUS PLAÎT.

AH, MAGNIFIQUE! I SEE YOU HAVE
TARTE DE POMMES À LA NORMANDE.

VERY TRICKY TO MAKE. YOU HAVE
TO ROLL THE DOUGH AWAY FROM YOU,

THAT'S THE SECRET. IF YOU KNEAD THE
DOUGH TOWARDS YOU, IT CAN BE MESSY.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY,
SIR! OH, I'M SO SORRY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, JACK,
IT GETS VERY MESSY.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

IT'S HOPELESS. WHENEVER I'M
AROUND HIM, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

- WHOA! JACK!
- SEE THAT? SEE THAT?

I'M JUST A KLUTZ! I THOUGHT
AT LEAST HERE I COULD BEAT HIM.

OH, JACK, YOU'RE NOT A KLUTZ.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU
SEE? IT'S NO CONTEST.

WELL DON'T RUB IT IN.

NO, I MEAN I WOULD
MUCH RATHER SPEND

AN EVENING WITH YOU
THAN WITH YOUR BROTHER.

- OH SURE.
- REALLY!

IF LEE WERE A CAKE,
HE'D BE ALL ICING.

BUT YOU'RE ALL CAKE,
WITH A LOT OF LAYERS.

I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU'RE REAL. HE'S NOT.

AW, CHRISSY. BUT LEE'S A WINNER.

REMEMBER THAT
BALLPLAYER, WILLIE STAR TREK?

STARGELL.

WHATEVER. WHEN WILLIE
STEPS UP TO HOME PLATE

TO HIT THAT WINNING
TOUCHDOWN, THE CROWD GOES WILD.

WELL, I DON'T BLAME THEM.

IT'S BECAUSE WILLIE IS DOING
IT FOR THE TEAM AND FOR THEM.

WITH YOUR BROTHER, HE'S JUST
DOING IT FOR HIMSELF, TO SAY,

"LOOK HOW GOOD I AM." REALLY,
I FEEL KIND OF SORRY FOR HIM.

YOU FEEL SORRY FOR LEE?

YEAH, HE'S SO PREDICTABLE.

WELL, CHRISSY, BUT...

I'LL BET WHEN HE
GETS BACK HE'LL SAY,

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SUIT,

I HAVE ANOTHER ONE
AT HOME JUST LIKE IT."

- LEE, I'M REALLY SORRY.
- DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SUIT,

I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE
AT HOME JUST LIKE IT.

(laughing)

- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
- NOTHING, I JUST...

SUDDENLY, I FEEL REALLY
GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

- I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT SPILLING...
- FORGET IT.

I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE GOING
THROUGH LIFE DOING THINGS LIKE THAT.

I KNOW SOMETHING
ELSE YOU CAN'T DO.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- YOU CAN'T HIT
A TOUCHDOWN

- WITH A BASEBALL BAT.
- OH! JACK!

YOU KLUTZ!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, JANET.

FIVE SECONDS LEFT TO GO IN
THE GAME, TRIPPER GETS THE PASS,

HE DRIBBLES DOWN
COURT, FAKES LEFT,

PIVOTS RIGHT, DRIVES DOWN
THE LANE, HE'S UP... SLAM DUNK!

All: (cheering)

YOU ARE CERTAINLY
IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY.

EVER SINCE LEE LEFT
ON THAT AIRPLANE,

I FEEL THIS TREMENDOUS
WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS.

- YOU DO?
- WHENEVER HE'S AROUND,
I'M ALL THUMBS.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. NOW THAT
HE'S GONE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

- WHOA.
- COME HERE.

- (water squirts)
- EXCEPT THAT.

OKAY, EVERYBODY, BACK TO WORK.

JACK, YOU TAKE OUT THE
TRASH, I'LL CLEAN THE BATHROOM.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET THE DOOR.

- HI. JACK!
- HI.

- YEAH?
- YOUR BROTHER'S BACK!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I MISSED MY PLANE.

CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.