Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 2 - Love Thy Neighbor - full transcript
Jack finds a present the girls hid. And when he reads the card, he assumes it's a gift for him in honor of their anniversary being roommates. Jack decides he has to get something for them but is broke. So he asks Larry for the money he owes him. But he doesn't have it. So Larry tells him that he moonlights as an escort and offers him his latest job. Jack reluctantly accepts. And the woman is after more than an escort. When the girls see him with her, Jack doesn't tell him what's going on. And when they ask Larry he tells him a story of Jack feeling undesirable.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
COME ON, LARRY.
COME ON... HEY LARR...!
I'M HERE! I CAME AS FAST AS
MY LITTLE FEET WOULD CARRY ME.
- WHAT'S UP?
- YOU GOTTA
HELP ME OUT.
JUST ASK ME.
PAY ME BACK THE 50
BUCKS YOU OWE ME.
- ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE.
- OH, LARRY!
HOLD ON A SECOND,
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
I... I'LL SHOW YOU.
I FOUND THIS UNDER
CHRISSY'S BED.
WHAT WERE YOU
DOING UNDER HER BED?
YOU GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.
NO, I WAS CLEANING, YOU KNOW,
AND IT'S BEEN LYING THERE
FOR TWO WEEKS. JUST READ.
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY,
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY"...
- NOT THE PAPER. READ THE CARD.
- OH.
"TO THE CUTEST
AND THE CRAZIEST."
Both: AW.
"HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY.
LOVE, JANET AND CHRISSY."
- ANNIVERSARY?
- YEAH, THE DAY I MOVED
IN HERE WITH THEM.
IT'S FROM KRUEGER'S
OF BEVERLY HILLS, SEE?
WOW, THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE STORE.
THE MOST. THEY SELL DIAMONDS
AT THE NOTIONS COUNTER.
WELL, NOW I SEE YOUR PROBLEM.
JANET AND CHRISSY ARE GIVING YOU
A FABULOUS AND EXPENSIVE PRESENT.
- WHAT A DIRTY TRICK.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BUY
THEM SOMETHING JUST AS NICE.
I'VE BEEN SAVING ALL MY
MONEY, I'VE STOPPED DATING,
I HAVEN'T GONE OUT WITH
A GIRL FOR TWO WEEKS.
YOU QUIT DATING? COLD TURKEY?
MORE LIKE COLD SHOWERS.
OH, GIRLS' ROOMS SMELL SO GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
YOUR UNCLE LARRY'S GONNA
HELP YOU GET THE DOUGH.
YOU GONNA PAY ME
BACK THE 50 BUCKS?
NO, BUT I WILL TELL YOU
A SECRET ABOUT MYSELF.
IT'S NO SECRET, YOU'RE A MOOCH.
NOW LOOK, AFTER I FINISH
AT THE USED CAR LOT
I'VE BEEN DOING SOME NIGHT WORK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DO AT
NIGHT, AND IF IT SEEMS LIKE WORK
YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
YOU EVER HEARD OF
PROFESSIONAL ESCORT SERVICES?
- HUH?
- YOU KNOW...
A LONELY LADY COMES INTO TOWN
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO
OUT ALONE, SO SHE CALLS, AND...
YOU'RE A GIGOLO?
- ESCORT. A PAID COMPANION.
- OH, LARRY!
COME ON, JACK.
I EARN A COUPLE OF
EXTRA BUCKS THAT WAY.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT! IF
THIS PLAN OF YOURS
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH
ME BEING A PAID ESCORT
YOU CAN FORGET IT RIGHT NOW!
WOULD YOU RELAX? I HAVE
A JOB LINED UP FOR TONIGHT
AND TOMORROW EVENING
WITH THE SAME LADY.
BUT I HAVE TO CANCEL BECAUSE
I'M FLYING TO SAN FRANCISCO.
YOU CAN START YOUR FLIGHT
RIGHT FROM THE BALCONY!
JACK, NOW HOLD IT. THE
AGENCY SAID SHE'S NEW IN TOWN.
ALL SHE NEEDS IS A PARTY DATE.
NO WAY. IF JANET AND CHRISSY FOUND
OUT THEY'D LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR ME.
A COUPLE OF HOURS IN THE
COMPANY OF A MATURE WOMAN.
I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO
FACE THEM AGAIN. FORGET IT!
- IT PAYS OVER
A HUNDRED BUCKS.
- WHEN DO I START?
HERE. HER NAME IS LANA
SHIELDS. THERE'S HER NUMBER.
YOU JUST CALL HER AND TELL
HER YOU'RE SUBBING FOR ME.
AND DO THE BEST YOU CAN
WITH WHAT LITTLE YOU HAVE.
PAID ESCORT...
HELLO?
MRS. SHIELDS?
YES, THIS IS YOUR ESCORT.
NO, I'M JACK TRIPPER.
HE HAD TO LEAVE TOWN TONIGHT.
HUH?
OH, UH, SIX FEET-ONE.
NO, NO NOT HANDSOME.
GOOD-LOOKING. VERY GOOD-LOOKING.
YES, MRS. SHIELDS, I HAVE YOUR
ADDRESS RIGHT HERE... HUH?
OH, OKAY, "LANA."
WE'LL HAVE A GREAT
TIME TONIGHT, LANA. YEAH.
UH, BYE BYE!
HEY JACK, YOU FINALLY
GOT A DATE. THAT'S TERRIFIC.
YEAH, I WAS BEGINNING TO
THINK YOU'D LOST YOUR TOUCH.
NO, NO, HOLD IT. I
DON'T HAVE A DATE.
SOUNDED LIKE A DATE.
NO, I WAS JUST TALKING
TO A GOOD BUDDY OF MINE.
A GOOD BUDDY NAMED "LANA"?
YEAH, YEAH... "DAVE LANA."
HAWAIIAN GUY FROM
COOKING SCHOOL.
TEACHES POI 101.
- WE'RE GOING TO
THE FIGHTS TONIGHT.
- Janet: OH.
WELL LISTEN, I'M GONNA SHOWER.
AGAIN?
THIS TIME I'M GONNA
USE HOT WATER.
POOR JACK'S NEVER GONE
THIS LONG WITHOUT A DATE.
HE'S JUST GOING
THROUGH A DRY SPELL.
YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT?
NO, I THOUGHT I'D
JUST STAY IN AND RELAX.
YEAH, NOBODY ASKED ME EITHER.
I GUESS WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A DRY SPELL, TOO.
- YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.
- YEAH.
BOY, CHRISSY, THERE ARE
THOUSANDS OF GUYS OUT THERE,
THEY ALL HAVE TELEPHONES
AND NOT ONE OF THEM
BOTHERS TO CALL US UP.
OH, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND...
WHY SHOULD WE STAY IN 'CAUSE
NOBODY BOTHERED TO CALL US UP?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
US TAKING EACH OTHER OUT?
IT'S CHEAPER THE OTHER WAY.
COME ON, CHRISSY, WE COULD
HAVE A GOOD TIME WITHOUT MEN.
- YEAH!
- YEAH!
HOW?
WE COULD GO SOMEPLACE
REALLY SNAZZY.
LIKE THAT FRENCH RESTAURANT,
THAT NEW ONE ON OLYMPIC.
- OH, THAT'S PERFECT!
- YEAH?
- LET'S GET DRESSED!
- OKAY, LET'S GO!
(blows raspberry)
AND SO I TOOK THE
JOB, AND HERE I AM.
A BUYER AT WILLET'S
DEPARTMENT STORE.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
AN EXCITING LIFE.
OH, NOT REALLY.
I'VE HAD FOUR JOBS
AND THREE HUSBANDS...
AND NONE OF THEM SATISFIED ME.
LANA, MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
WHY WOULD AN
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN LIKE YOU
GO TO AN ESCORT
SERVICE TO GET A MAN?
WELL, YOU SEE IT'S
LIKE BUYING A CAR.
I MEAN, WHEN I SLAP THOSE
BUCKS DOWN ON THE COUNTER
I KNOW THAT I CAN ORDER
THE MODEL OF MY CHOICE.
OH, I GET THE PICTURE.
I DON'T WANT TO RUN AROUND
WITH SOME BEAT-UP OLD CLUNKER.
I WANT SOMETHING THAT
GOES "VROOM, VROOM!"
"VROOM, VROOM"?
(loudly) "VROOM, VROOM"!
JACK, TAKE ME TO YOUR GARAGE.
MS. SHIELDS... I
MEAN MRS. SHIELDS...
LET'S GO TO YOUR APARTMENT.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER GO
BOWLING? DO YOU LIKE TO BOWL AT ALL?
YOU'RE AFRAID THAT ONCE
WE GET TO YOUR PLACE
I'LL BE ALL OVER YOU, RIGHT?
OH, WHY WOULD I THINK THAT?
- BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- NO, NO... OH, NO.
WOW... Waiter: A COCKTAIL
BEFORE YOU DINE?
OH, THANK YOU.
I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE SOME WATER.
ME TOO.
OF COURSE.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR
THE IMPORTED ROMANIAN,
THE MOUNTAIN CLEAR,
OR THE JULIEN SPARKLING?
I'D LIKE SANTA MONICA TAP.
ME TOO.
JACK, WHY ARE YOU
EATING LIKE THAT?
I JUST LIKE TO BE
CLOSE TO MY FOODS.
PSST... EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY...
BUT COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT
THAT DELICIOUS-LOOKING DESSERT IS?
BLACK FOREST CAKE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT POOR WOMAN...
HER DATE'S ALREADY
UNDER THE TABLE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
JUST DROPPED MY FORK, SEE?
WE'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.
NO, I'VE GROWN ATTACHED
TO THIS ONE, SEE?
- (fork clangs)
- (hums)
LISTEN, LANA, I'LL MEET
YOU OUT FRONT, OKAY?
(screams)
MONSIEUR...
WHAT IS THIS?
ER... "JACK A LA CARTE."
I'M JACK, THIS IS A CART,
IT'S A LITTLE HUMOR.
GET OFF!
IMMEDIATELY, SORRY.
YOU ARE JIGGLING MY TORTES.
EXCUSE ME.
NONE FOR ME, THANKS.
MAYBE JUST A MINT...
CHRISSY!
$30 FOR PRESSED DUCK!
I WONDER HOW MUCH IT WOULD
BE IF THEY LEFT IT WRINKLED.
JACK, I ADORE YOUR NUTTINESS.
LET'S GO CRAZY TOGETHER.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- ME TOO.
- I KNOW A GOOD DISCO.
FINE.
WE CAN SWING BY YOUR PLACE
SO YOU CAN CHANGE CLOTHES.
I DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE CLOTHES.
YOU DO NOW. LET'S GO.
WAITER, COULD I HAVE
THE CHECK PLEASE?
- WE'RE LEAVING.
- YES, MISS.
COME ON, JACK.
EXCUSE ME, MISS. THANK YOU.
Jack: HERE WE GO.
DON'T BOTHER TO SIT,
I'LL JUST CHANGE MY
SHIRT AND WE'LL LEAVE.
THERE'S REALLY NO NEED TO LEAVE
- AND YOU CERTAINLY
WON'T NEED A SHIRT.
- NO, LANA...
HI, ANYBODY HOME?
LARRY.
LARRY "POOPKINS"!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I TOLD YOU, I FLEW
TO SAN FRANCISCO.
I KNOW, YOU SILLY GOOSE. I
JUST MISS MY ROOMIE SO MUCH!
JACK, WHAT...?
NO, NO, LET'S NOT GET
MUSHY IN FRONT OF LANA.
LANA. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO...
NOW, NOW, DON'T GET
JEALOUS, POOPIE-KINS.
YOU MEAN THAT YOU TWO ARE...
DON'T GET UPSET, IT'S
STRICTLY BUSINESS.
I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT ME
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT, DO YOU?
DON'T BE SILLY, DARLING.
ANYONE CAN CHANGE.
THERE IS NOTHING THAT I LIKE
BETTER THAN A CHALLENGE.
IT'S NO USE. A LEOPARD
CANNOT CHANGE HIS SPOTS.
BUT HE CAN CLIMB A DIFFERENT
TREE ONCE IN A WHILE.
VROOM, VROOM!
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.
MMM... "VROOM-VROOM,"
THAT'S GOOD!
- NO, IT'S BAD.
- THAT'S BAD?
- THAT'S NOT GOOD.
- NOT GOOD.
I OUGHT TO TAKE YOU APART.
WHAT DID YOU GET ME INTO?
- "POOPKINS", REMEMBER?
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT
"POOPKINS"!
HI, SIT DOWN, I'M MAKING
CHICKEN SALAD FOR LUNCH.
HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN THE
OLD HEN YOU HAD FOR DINNER.
WHAT?
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD
TIME WITH LANA LAST NIGHT?
LANA?
YOU KNOW, THE "DON HO"
OF YOUR COOKING SCHOOL?
OH YEAH, DICK AND I HAD A
FANTASTIC TIME LAST NIGHT.
- THAT'S FUNNY.
- WHAT?
YESTERDAY YOU SAID
HIS NAME WAS DAVE.
WELL, THAT'S REALLY HIS
NAME, "DAVID RICHARD."
BUT HE GETS EVERYTHING FROM DICK TO
DAVEY, DAVE, DICKIE, DEE DEE, EVERYTHING.
HOW WERE THE FIGHTS?
THE... THE FIGHTS!
THEY WERE GREAT,
BUT IT WAS SO QUICK, IT
WAS OVER IN ONE ROUND.
JUST JAB JAB JAB, RIGHT
CROSS, DOWN, OVER, OUT, DING.
HOW MUCH DID SHE
PAY YOU TO TAKE A DIVE?
HUH?
WE SAW YOU IN THE
RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, WITH DAVID RICHARD LANA.
(gasps)
DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S
A LITTLE OLD FOR YOU?
LOOK, GIRLS...
WE ALSO SAW HER
PAYING THE CHECK.
IT'S A REAL FUNNY STORY.
- LET'S HEAR IT.
- SEE, I LOST MY WALLET...
JACK... I HAVE A
TWO-PART QUESTION...
WHY?
HOW IS THAT A TWO-PART QUESTION?
WE BOTH WANNA KNOW.
ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH
HER BECAUSE OF HER MONEY?
OH, JANET!
IF THAT'S WHAT THE
TWO OF YOU THINK OF ME
YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN LUNCH!
YOU MUST ADMIT IT
DOES LOOK PECULIAR.
YOU ASKED FOR IT.
THE FACT IS I PREFER
OLDER WOMEN.
MY TASTES HAVE SWUNG FROM
YOUNG, EMPTY-HEADED MERINGUES
TO SEASONED ENTREES
WELL-BASTED BY LIFE.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
BOY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH JACK?
WE DON'T KNOW.
LAST NIGHT HE WAS OUT
WITH THIS OLDER WOMAN,
AND TODAY HE IS LYING
LIKE A RUG ABOUT IT.
LARRY, YOU'RE HIS BEST FRIEND.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY IDEA?
- NO.
THAT'S GOOD. I MEAN THAT'S BAD.
I... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
JACK'S PROBLEM IS.
IT'S A MALE CONFIDENCE CRISIS.
SO WHAT... WHAT'S THIS?
I SAW IT COMING. JACK HAS
NOT HAD A DATE FOR TWO WEEKS
HE FEELS LEFT OUT, UNLOVED.
JUST BECAUSE HE
HASN'T HAD A DATE?
THE MAN IS DESPERATE.
SO WHEN AN OLDER
WOMAN COMES ALONG
WHO GIVES HIM THE LOVE AND
AFFECTION HIS LIFE HAS BEEN MISSING...
(gasps) OH, POOR BABY!
I'M JUST SICK.
I'M GETTING THERE.
I'M GONNA GO MAKE LUNCH.
WE MEN NEED PROOF WE'RE
LOVABLE AND DESIRABLE, TOO.
IF WE DON'T GET IT... SEE
WHAT IT'S DONE TO JACK.
YEAH. DO YOU KNOW HE ACTUALLY LET
THAT WOMAN PAY HIS WAY LAST NIGHT?
NO... I NEVER THOUGHT
HE'D STOOP SO LOW.
HE'S STOOPED ALL THE
WAY DOWN TO THE FLOOR!
HE THOUGHT THE ROAST BEEF
WOULD HIDE HIM BUT IT ROLLED AWAY.
OH.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
IT'S OBVIOUS. JACK
NEEDS YOUR HELP.
I'LL DO ANYTHING!
YOU MAY HAVE TO.
THE ONLY HOPE IS
TO CONVINCE JACK
THAT HE'S SEXY AND ATTRACTIVE.
TRY SMOTHERING HIM
WITH PHYSICAL AFFECTION.
WOW, I'VE NEVER
DONE THAT BEFORE.
- REALLY?
- BUT I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT!
IF YOU LIKE YOU
COULD PRACTICE ON ME.
I WOULD GO THROUGH
ANYTHING TO HELP MY BUDDY.
EXCEPT PAIN. OW!
OH, THAT WAS DELICIOUS.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO
YOUR PLACE... FOR DESSERT?
NOW LANA, YOU MET MY ROOMMATE.
IT WOULD BE LIKE TRYING TO
SELL BEEF TO A VEGETARIAN.
I'M NOT SELLING BEEF.
THIS IS PERFECTLY AGED,
PRIME NEW YORK FILET.
LANA, COME ON. NO EAR, OKAY?
LOOK, LANA, I GOT ONE
WORD FOR YOU, "NO WAY."
YOU COME BACK HERE!
I OWN YOU TONIGHT.
I PAID MY MONEY AND
STILL HAVE SOME TIME LEFT.
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THE TIME.
THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S 10:30, TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.
(shouts in surprise)
NONE FOR ME, THANK YOU.
CHRISSY!
OH, JACK! I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR YOU TO COME HOME.
SOMEHOW I DON'T
THINK THIS INVOLVES
TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE.
JACK, COME OVER TO THE SOFA.
IS IT MY AFTERSHAVE?
COME ON.
PLEASE?
- WHERE'S JANET?
- SHH. SHE'S SLEEPING
GOOD. SHH.
SHE NEEDS HER REST.
OH, JACK YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
JUST THINK, ALL I WAS LOOKING FORWARD
TO WHEN I CAME THROUGH THE DOOR
WAS A TUNA FISH SANDWICH!
DO YOU KNOW HOW SEXY AND
CHARMING AND ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE?
NO...
BUT I'M OPEN TO
CONVINCING ARGUMENTS.
I WOKE UP SO THIRSTY.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M JUST CONVINCING JACK
HE'S STILL SEXY AND ATTRACTIVE.
OH. AND TO THINK I ALMOST
SLEPT THROUGH THIS.
FORTUNATELY, GOOD
SEATS ARE STILL AVAILABLE!
- JACK?
- LANA!
HI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D LET YOU
GET AWAY THAT EASILY, DID YOU?
I'VE GOT A LITTLE BUBBLY FOR US.
Jack: OH.
OH... I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY
HAVING A NIGHTCAP.
OR TWO.
LANA... THIS IS JANET AND...
- CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY,
YES, CHRISSY.
I SEE YOU GIRLS ENJOY A
GOOD CHALLENGE, TOO, HUH?
A CHALLENGE?
IT'S AN AMUSING STORY.
DON'T YOU MEAN A GAY ONE?
- Janet: WHAT?
- LOOK, GIRLS,
MY METER IS STILL RUNNING
AND I WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR
GETTING YOUR JOLLIES ON YOUR OWN TIME.
THAT'S ONLY FAIR.
HUH?
WHAT'S SHE TALKING ABOUT?
GIRLS, I'M GONNA STRAIGHTEN
THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE BEEN LANA'S PAID ESCORT
FOR THE PAST TWO NIGHTS.
A PAID ESCORT?
A LONELY WOMAN COMES INTO TOWN,
SHE DOESN'T WANNA GO OUT ALONE
SO SHE CALLS UP...
YOU'RE A CALL BOY?
LANA, THIS IS JANET
AND CHRISSY...
THEY'RE MY REAL ROOMMATES.
- WHAT?
- AND LARRY'S JUST
A FRIEND...
AND I'M NOT GAY AND HE'S
NOT GAY AND I'M NOT AN ESCORT
AND I'M GOING TO GET
MYSELF A TUNA FISH SANDWICH!
THAT'S PERFECT FOR
YOU. CHICKEN OF THE SEA!
NOW, LET ME ZIP THROUGH THIS.
JACK'S NOT GAY, BUT
THE THREE OF YOU
LIVE TOGETHER?
- TWO DIFFERENT BEDROOMS.
- OH, YES.
WHO'S THE LUCKY GIRL?
OH, NO.
THIS IS A VERY RESPECTABLE
AND INNOCENT RELATIONSHIP.
OH, YOU'RE THE UNLUCKY ONE.
NO, WE'RE BOTH UNLUCKY.
OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN GIRLS, I'M NOT
PUTTING DOWN YOUR SET-UP,
I'D JUST LIKE TO GET IN ON IT.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE HAVING
FRIENDLY, GET-ACQUAINTED CHAT.
YES, IT'S ALL BEEN A VERY
MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE.
BUT I THINK I WILL
CALL IT A NIGHT.
- BYE.
- BYE.
JACK TRIPPER... A PAID ESCORT?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HOW COULD YOU?
I NEEDED SOME MONEY FAST.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
Both: OUR FAULT?
IF YOU HADN'T BOUGHT
THAT EXPENSIVE PRESENT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED
MONEY TO BUY YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT PRESENT?
THE ONE UNDER YOUR BED,
TO THE "CUTEST AND CRAZIEST."
JACK, THAT'S FOR THE PURCELLS.
IT'S THEIR 3rd
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
OH NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- Janet: HMM-MM.
- I SOLD MYSELF
FOR NOTHING.
I'M SO ASHAMED!
- POOR JACK!
- (Jack whimpers)
- HOW SWEET.
- (sobs)
- JACK...
- YOU DID IT
ALL FOR US.
(whimpers)
WE'RE THE ONES WHO
SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
OH, JACK, HOW CAN WE
EVER MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
TAKE ME, I'M ALREADY PAID FOR!
GIRLS, GIRLS... HANG ON...!
Jack: HERE WE GO, LADIES.
CHAMPAGNE, COMPLIMENTS OF LANA.
HAPPY 3rd ANNIVERSARY!
- CHEERS!
- HERE'S TO US!
(knocking)
LANA!
FORGIVE ME FOR
BARGING IN, BUT...
ARE YOU THROUGH
WITH MY ICE BUCKET?
OH, SURE. HERE IT IS. THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING HIGH
AND LOW FOR AN APARTMENT.
THAT HOTEL IS SUCH A DRAG.
WHAT A SHAME.
THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR
WAS FOR RENT YESTERDAY
BUT THEY JUST
TOOK THE SIGN DOWN.
I SURE DID!
WE'RE GOING TO BE
SUCH GOOD NEIGHBORS!
VROOM! VROOM!
YOU'LL BE SEEING MORE OF ME.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Ritter's Voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
COME ON, LARRY.
COME ON... HEY LARR...!
I'M HERE! I CAME AS FAST AS
MY LITTLE FEET WOULD CARRY ME.
- WHAT'S UP?
- YOU GOTTA
HELP ME OUT.
JUST ASK ME.
PAY ME BACK THE 50
BUCKS YOU OWE ME.
- ASK ME SOMETHING ELSE.
- OH, LARRY!
HOLD ON A SECOND,
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
I... I'LL SHOW YOU.
I FOUND THIS UNDER
CHRISSY'S BED.
WHAT WERE YOU
DOING UNDER HER BED?
YOU GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.
NO, I WAS CLEANING, YOU KNOW,
AND IT'S BEEN LYING THERE
FOR TWO WEEKS. JUST READ.
"HAPPY ANNIVERSARY,
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY"...
- NOT THE PAPER. READ THE CARD.
- OH.
"TO THE CUTEST
AND THE CRAZIEST."
Both: AW.
"HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY.
LOVE, JANET AND CHRISSY."
- ANNIVERSARY?
- YEAH, THE DAY I MOVED
IN HERE WITH THEM.
IT'S FROM KRUEGER'S
OF BEVERLY HILLS, SEE?
WOW, THAT'S AN EXPENSIVE STORE.
THE MOST. THEY SELL DIAMONDS
AT THE NOTIONS COUNTER.
WELL, NOW I SEE YOUR PROBLEM.
JANET AND CHRISSY ARE GIVING YOU
A FABULOUS AND EXPENSIVE PRESENT.
- WHAT A DIRTY TRICK.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THAT MEANS I HAVE TO BUY
THEM SOMETHING JUST AS NICE.
I'VE BEEN SAVING ALL MY
MONEY, I'VE STOPPED DATING,
I HAVEN'T GONE OUT WITH
A GIRL FOR TWO WEEKS.
YOU QUIT DATING? COLD TURKEY?
MORE LIKE COLD SHOWERS.
OH, GIRLS' ROOMS SMELL SO GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
YOUR UNCLE LARRY'S GONNA
HELP YOU GET THE DOUGH.
YOU GONNA PAY ME
BACK THE 50 BUCKS?
NO, BUT I WILL TELL YOU
A SECRET ABOUT MYSELF.
IT'S NO SECRET, YOU'RE A MOOCH.
NOW LOOK, AFTER I FINISH
AT THE USED CAR LOT
I'VE BEEN DOING SOME NIGHT WORK.
I KNOW WHAT YOU DO AT
NIGHT, AND IF IT SEEMS LIKE WORK
YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
YOU EVER HEARD OF
PROFESSIONAL ESCORT SERVICES?
- HUH?
- YOU KNOW...
A LONELY LADY COMES INTO TOWN
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO
OUT ALONE, SO SHE CALLS, AND...
YOU'RE A GIGOLO?
- ESCORT. A PAID COMPANION.
- OH, LARRY!
COME ON, JACK.
I EARN A COUPLE OF
EXTRA BUCKS THAT WAY.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT! IF
THIS PLAN OF YOURS
HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH
ME BEING A PAID ESCORT
YOU CAN FORGET IT RIGHT NOW!
WOULD YOU RELAX? I HAVE
A JOB LINED UP FOR TONIGHT
AND TOMORROW EVENING
WITH THE SAME LADY.
BUT I HAVE TO CANCEL BECAUSE
I'M FLYING TO SAN FRANCISCO.
YOU CAN START YOUR FLIGHT
RIGHT FROM THE BALCONY!
JACK, NOW HOLD IT. THE
AGENCY SAID SHE'S NEW IN TOWN.
ALL SHE NEEDS IS A PARTY DATE.
NO WAY. IF JANET AND CHRISSY FOUND
OUT THEY'D LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR ME.
A COUPLE OF HOURS IN THE
COMPANY OF A MATURE WOMAN.
I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO
FACE THEM AGAIN. FORGET IT!
- IT PAYS OVER
A HUNDRED BUCKS.
- WHEN DO I START?
HERE. HER NAME IS LANA
SHIELDS. THERE'S HER NUMBER.
YOU JUST CALL HER AND TELL
HER YOU'RE SUBBING FOR ME.
AND DO THE BEST YOU CAN
WITH WHAT LITTLE YOU HAVE.
PAID ESCORT...
HELLO?
MRS. SHIELDS?
YES, THIS IS YOUR ESCORT.
NO, I'M JACK TRIPPER.
HE HAD TO LEAVE TOWN TONIGHT.
HUH?
OH, UH, SIX FEET-ONE.
NO, NO NOT HANDSOME.
GOOD-LOOKING. VERY GOOD-LOOKING.
YES, MRS. SHIELDS, I HAVE YOUR
ADDRESS RIGHT HERE... HUH?
OH, OKAY, "LANA."
WE'LL HAVE A GREAT
TIME TONIGHT, LANA. YEAH.
UH, BYE BYE!
HEY JACK, YOU FINALLY
GOT A DATE. THAT'S TERRIFIC.
YEAH, I WAS BEGINNING TO
THINK YOU'D LOST YOUR TOUCH.
NO, NO, HOLD IT. I
DON'T HAVE A DATE.
SOUNDED LIKE A DATE.
NO, I WAS JUST TALKING
TO A GOOD BUDDY OF MINE.
A GOOD BUDDY NAMED "LANA"?
YEAH, YEAH... "DAVE LANA."
HAWAIIAN GUY FROM
COOKING SCHOOL.
TEACHES POI 101.
- WE'RE GOING TO
THE FIGHTS TONIGHT.
- Janet: OH.
WELL LISTEN, I'M GONNA SHOWER.
AGAIN?
THIS TIME I'M GONNA
USE HOT WATER.
POOR JACK'S NEVER GONE
THIS LONG WITHOUT A DATE.
HE'S JUST GOING
THROUGH A DRY SPELL.
YOU GOING OUT TONIGHT?
NO, I THOUGHT I'D
JUST STAY IN AND RELAX.
YEAH, NOBODY ASKED ME EITHER.
I GUESS WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF A DRY SPELL, TOO.
- YOU'RE NOT KIDDING.
- YEAH.
BOY, CHRISSY, THERE ARE
THOUSANDS OF GUYS OUT THERE,
THEY ALL HAVE TELEPHONES
AND NOT ONE OF THEM
BOTHERS TO CALL US UP.
OH, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND...
WHY SHOULD WE STAY IN 'CAUSE
NOBODY BOTHERED TO CALL US UP?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
US TAKING EACH OTHER OUT?
IT'S CHEAPER THE OTHER WAY.
COME ON, CHRISSY, WE COULD
HAVE A GOOD TIME WITHOUT MEN.
- YEAH!
- YEAH!
HOW?
WE COULD GO SOMEPLACE
REALLY SNAZZY.
LIKE THAT FRENCH RESTAURANT,
THAT NEW ONE ON OLYMPIC.
- OH, THAT'S PERFECT!
- YEAH?
- LET'S GET DRESSED!
- OKAY, LET'S GO!
(blows raspberry)
AND SO I TOOK THE
JOB, AND HERE I AM.
A BUYER AT WILLET'S
DEPARTMENT STORE.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
AN EXCITING LIFE.
OH, NOT REALLY.
I'VE HAD FOUR JOBS
AND THREE HUSBANDS...
AND NONE OF THEM SATISFIED ME.
LANA, MAY I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
WHY WOULD AN
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN LIKE YOU
GO TO AN ESCORT
SERVICE TO GET A MAN?
WELL, YOU SEE IT'S
LIKE BUYING A CAR.
I MEAN, WHEN I SLAP THOSE
BUCKS DOWN ON THE COUNTER
I KNOW THAT I CAN ORDER
THE MODEL OF MY CHOICE.
OH, I GET THE PICTURE.
I DON'T WANT TO RUN AROUND
WITH SOME BEAT-UP OLD CLUNKER.
I WANT SOMETHING THAT
GOES "VROOM, VROOM!"
"VROOM, VROOM"?
(loudly) "VROOM, VROOM"!
JACK, TAKE ME TO YOUR GARAGE.
MS. SHIELDS... I
MEAN MRS. SHIELDS...
LET'S GO TO YOUR APARTMENT.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER GO
BOWLING? DO YOU LIKE TO BOWL AT ALL?
YOU'RE AFRAID THAT ONCE
WE GET TO YOUR PLACE
I'LL BE ALL OVER YOU, RIGHT?
OH, WHY WOULD I THINK THAT?
- BECAUSE IT'S TRUE.
- NO, NO... OH, NO.
WOW... Waiter: A COCKTAIL
BEFORE YOU DINE?
OH, THANK YOU.
I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE SOME WATER.
ME TOO.
OF COURSE.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR
THE IMPORTED ROMANIAN,
THE MOUNTAIN CLEAR,
OR THE JULIEN SPARKLING?
I'D LIKE SANTA MONICA TAP.
ME TOO.
JACK, WHY ARE YOU
EATING LIKE THAT?
I JUST LIKE TO BE
CLOSE TO MY FOODS.
PSST... EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY...
BUT COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT
THAT DELICIOUS-LOOKING DESSERT IS?
BLACK FOREST CAKE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT POOR WOMAN...
HER DATE'S ALREADY
UNDER THE TABLE.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
JUST DROPPED MY FORK, SEE?
WE'LL GET ANOTHER ONE.
NO, I'VE GROWN ATTACHED
TO THIS ONE, SEE?
- (fork clangs)
- (hums)
LISTEN, LANA, I'LL MEET
YOU OUT FRONT, OKAY?
(screams)
MONSIEUR...
WHAT IS THIS?
ER... "JACK A LA CARTE."
I'M JACK, THIS IS A CART,
IT'S A LITTLE HUMOR.
GET OFF!
IMMEDIATELY, SORRY.
YOU ARE JIGGLING MY TORTES.
EXCUSE ME.
NONE FOR ME, THANKS.
MAYBE JUST A MINT...
CHRISSY!
$30 FOR PRESSED DUCK!
I WONDER HOW MUCH IT WOULD
BE IF THEY LEFT IT WRINKLED.
JACK, I ADORE YOUR NUTTINESS.
LET'S GO CRAZY TOGETHER.
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO GET OUT OF HERE.
- ME TOO.
- I KNOW A GOOD DISCO.
FINE.
WE CAN SWING BY YOUR PLACE
SO YOU CAN CHANGE CLOTHES.
I DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE CLOTHES.
YOU DO NOW. LET'S GO.
WAITER, COULD I HAVE
THE CHECK PLEASE?
- WE'RE LEAVING.
- YES, MISS.
COME ON, JACK.
EXCUSE ME, MISS. THANK YOU.
Jack: HERE WE GO.
DON'T BOTHER TO SIT,
I'LL JUST CHANGE MY
SHIRT AND WE'LL LEAVE.
THERE'S REALLY NO NEED TO LEAVE
- AND YOU CERTAINLY
WON'T NEED A SHIRT.
- NO, LANA...
HI, ANYBODY HOME?
LARRY.
LARRY "POOPKINS"!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I TOLD YOU, I FLEW
TO SAN FRANCISCO.
I KNOW, YOU SILLY GOOSE. I
JUST MISS MY ROOMIE SO MUCH!
JACK, WHAT...?
NO, NO, LET'S NOT GET
MUSHY IN FRONT OF LANA.
LANA. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO...
NOW, NOW, DON'T GET
JEALOUS, POOPIE-KINS.
YOU MEAN THAT YOU TWO ARE...
DON'T GET UPSET, IT'S
STRICTLY BUSINESS.
I GUESS YOU DON'T WANT ME
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT, DO YOU?
DON'T BE SILLY, DARLING.
ANYONE CAN CHANGE.
THERE IS NOTHING THAT I LIKE
BETTER THAN A CHALLENGE.
IT'S NO USE. A LEOPARD
CANNOT CHANGE HIS SPOTS.
BUT HE CAN CLIMB A DIFFERENT
TREE ONCE IN A WHILE.
VROOM, VROOM!
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.
MMM... "VROOM-VROOM,"
THAT'S GOOD!
- NO, IT'S BAD.
- THAT'S BAD?
- THAT'S NOT GOOD.
- NOT GOOD.
I OUGHT TO TAKE YOU APART.
WHAT DID YOU GET ME INTO?
- "POOPKINS", REMEMBER?
- I DON'T CARE ABOUT
"POOPKINS"!
HI, SIT DOWN, I'M MAKING
CHICKEN SALAD FOR LUNCH.
HOPE IT'S BETTER THAN THE
OLD HEN YOU HAD FOR DINNER.
WHAT?
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD
TIME WITH LANA LAST NIGHT?
LANA?
YOU KNOW, THE "DON HO"
OF YOUR COOKING SCHOOL?
OH YEAH, DICK AND I HAD A
FANTASTIC TIME LAST NIGHT.
- THAT'S FUNNY.
- WHAT?
YESTERDAY YOU SAID
HIS NAME WAS DAVE.
WELL, THAT'S REALLY HIS
NAME, "DAVID RICHARD."
BUT HE GETS EVERYTHING FROM DICK TO
DAVEY, DAVE, DICKIE, DEE DEE, EVERYTHING.
HOW WERE THE FIGHTS?
THE... THE FIGHTS!
THEY WERE GREAT,
BUT IT WAS SO QUICK, IT
WAS OVER IN ONE ROUND.
JUST JAB JAB JAB, RIGHT
CROSS, DOWN, OVER, OUT, DING.
HOW MUCH DID SHE
PAY YOU TO TAKE A DIVE?
HUH?
WE SAW YOU IN THE
RESTAURANT LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, WITH DAVID RICHARD LANA.
(gasps)
DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S
A LITTLE OLD FOR YOU?
LOOK, GIRLS...
WE ALSO SAW HER
PAYING THE CHECK.
IT'S A REAL FUNNY STORY.
- LET'S HEAR IT.
- SEE, I LOST MY WALLET...
JACK... I HAVE A
TWO-PART QUESTION...
WHY?
HOW IS THAT A TWO-PART QUESTION?
WE BOTH WANNA KNOW.
ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH
HER BECAUSE OF HER MONEY?
OH, JANET!
IF THAT'S WHAT THE
TWO OF YOU THINK OF ME
YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN LUNCH!
YOU MUST ADMIT IT
DOES LOOK PECULIAR.
YOU ASKED FOR IT.
THE FACT IS I PREFER
OLDER WOMEN.
MY TASTES HAVE SWUNG FROM
YOUNG, EMPTY-HEADED MERINGUES
TO SEASONED ENTREES
WELL-BASTED BY LIFE.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
BOY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH JACK?
WE DON'T KNOW.
LAST NIGHT HE WAS OUT
WITH THIS OLDER WOMAN,
AND TODAY HE IS LYING
LIKE A RUG ABOUT IT.
LARRY, YOU'RE HIS BEST FRIEND.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
- YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY IDEA?
- NO.
THAT'S GOOD. I MEAN THAT'S BAD.
I... I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
JACK'S PROBLEM IS.
IT'S A MALE CONFIDENCE CRISIS.
SO WHAT... WHAT'S THIS?
I SAW IT COMING. JACK HAS
NOT HAD A DATE FOR TWO WEEKS
HE FEELS LEFT OUT, UNLOVED.
JUST BECAUSE HE
HASN'T HAD A DATE?
THE MAN IS DESPERATE.
SO WHEN AN OLDER
WOMAN COMES ALONG
WHO GIVES HIM THE LOVE AND
AFFECTION HIS LIFE HAS BEEN MISSING...
(gasps) OH, POOR BABY!
I'M JUST SICK.
I'M GETTING THERE.
I'M GONNA GO MAKE LUNCH.
WE MEN NEED PROOF WE'RE
LOVABLE AND DESIRABLE, TOO.
IF WE DON'T GET IT... SEE
WHAT IT'S DONE TO JACK.
YEAH. DO YOU KNOW HE ACTUALLY LET
THAT WOMAN PAY HIS WAY LAST NIGHT?
NO... I NEVER THOUGHT
HE'D STOOP SO LOW.
HE'S STOOPED ALL THE
WAY DOWN TO THE FLOOR!
HE THOUGHT THE ROAST BEEF
WOULD HIDE HIM BUT IT ROLLED AWAY.
OH.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
IT'S OBVIOUS. JACK
NEEDS YOUR HELP.
I'LL DO ANYTHING!
YOU MAY HAVE TO.
THE ONLY HOPE IS
TO CONVINCE JACK
THAT HE'S SEXY AND ATTRACTIVE.
TRY SMOTHERING HIM
WITH PHYSICAL AFFECTION.
WOW, I'VE NEVER
DONE THAT BEFORE.
- REALLY?
- BUT I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT!
IF YOU LIKE YOU
COULD PRACTICE ON ME.
I WOULD GO THROUGH
ANYTHING TO HELP MY BUDDY.
EXCEPT PAIN. OW!
OH, THAT WAS DELICIOUS.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT.
WHY DON'T WE GO TO
YOUR PLACE... FOR DESSERT?
NOW LANA, YOU MET MY ROOMMATE.
IT WOULD BE LIKE TRYING TO
SELL BEEF TO A VEGETARIAN.
I'M NOT SELLING BEEF.
THIS IS PERFECTLY AGED,
PRIME NEW YORK FILET.
LANA, COME ON. NO EAR, OKAY?
LOOK, LANA, I GOT ONE
WORD FOR YOU, "NO WAY."
YOU COME BACK HERE!
I OWN YOU TONIGHT.
I PAID MY MONEY AND
STILL HAVE SOME TIME LEFT.
OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU THE TIME.
THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S 10:30, TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.
(shouts in surprise)
NONE FOR ME, THANK YOU.
CHRISSY!
OH, JACK! I'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR YOU TO COME HOME.
SOMEHOW I DON'T
THINK THIS INVOLVES
TAKING OUT THE GARBAGE.
JACK, COME OVER TO THE SOFA.
IS IT MY AFTERSHAVE?
COME ON.
PLEASE?
- WHERE'S JANET?
- SHH. SHE'S SLEEPING
GOOD. SHH.
SHE NEEDS HER REST.
OH, JACK YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
JUST THINK, ALL I WAS LOOKING FORWARD
TO WHEN I CAME THROUGH THE DOOR
WAS A TUNA FISH SANDWICH!
DO YOU KNOW HOW SEXY AND
CHARMING AND ATTRACTIVE YOU ARE?
NO...
BUT I'M OPEN TO
CONVINCING ARGUMENTS.
I WOKE UP SO THIRSTY.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I'M JUST CONVINCING JACK
HE'S STILL SEXY AND ATTRACTIVE.
OH. AND TO THINK I ALMOST
SLEPT THROUGH THIS.
FORTUNATELY, GOOD
SEATS ARE STILL AVAILABLE!
- JACK?
- LANA!
HI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D LET YOU
GET AWAY THAT EASILY, DID YOU?
I'VE GOT A LITTLE BUBBLY FOR US.
Jack: OH.
OH... I SEE YOU'RE ALREADY
HAVING A NIGHTCAP.
OR TWO.
LANA... THIS IS JANET AND...
- CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY,
YES, CHRISSY.
I SEE YOU GIRLS ENJOY A
GOOD CHALLENGE, TOO, HUH?
A CHALLENGE?
IT'S AN AMUSING STORY.
DON'T YOU MEAN A GAY ONE?
- Janet: WHAT?
- LOOK, GIRLS,
MY METER IS STILL RUNNING
AND I WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR
GETTING YOUR JOLLIES ON YOUR OWN TIME.
THAT'S ONLY FAIR.
HUH?
WHAT'S SHE TALKING ABOUT?
GIRLS, I'M GONNA STRAIGHTEN
THIS OUT RIGHT NOW.
I HAVE BEEN LANA'S PAID ESCORT
FOR THE PAST TWO NIGHTS.
A PAID ESCORT?
A LONELY WOMAN COMES INTO TOWN,
SHE DOESN'T WANNA GO OUT ALONE
SO SHE CALLS UP...
YOU'RE A CALL BOY?
LANA, THIS IS JANET
AND CHRISSY...
THEY'RE MY REAL ROOMMATES.
- WHAT?
- AND LARRY'S JUST
A FRIEND...
AND I'M NOT GAY AND HE'S
NOT GAY AND I'M NOT AN ESCORT
AND I'M GOING TO GET
MYSELF A TUNA FISH SANDWICH!
THAT'S PERFECT FOR
YOU. CHICKEN OF THE SEA!
NOW, LET ME ZIP THROUGH THIS.
JACK'S NOT GAY, BUT
THE THREE OF YOU
LIVE TOGETHER?
- TWO DIFFERENT BEDROOMS.
- OH, YES.
WHO'S THE LUCKY GIRL?
OH, NO.
THIS IS A VERY RESPECTABLE
AND INNOCENT RELATIONSHIP.
OH, YOU'RE THE UNLUCKY ONE.
NO, WE'RE BOTH UNLUCKY.
OH, SURE, SURE.
LISTEN GIRLS, I'M NOT
PUTTING DOWN YOUR SET-UP,
I'D JUST LIKE TO GET IN ON IT.
I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU'RE HAVING
FRIENDLY, GET-ACQUAINTED CHAT.
YES, IT'S ALL BEEN A VERY
MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE.
BUT I THINK I WILL
CALL IT A NIGHT.
- BYE.
- BYE.
JACK TRIPPER... A PAID ESCORT?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HOW COULD YOU?
I NEEDED SOME MONEY FAST.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.
Both: OUR FAULT?
IF YOU HADN'T BOUGHT
THAT EXPENSIVE PRESENT,
I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED
MONEY TO BUY YOU SOMETHING.
WHAT PRESENT?
THE ONE UNDER YOUR BED,
TO THE "CUTEST AND CRAZIEST."
JACK, THAT'S FOR THE PURCELLS.
IT'S THEIR 3rd
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
OH NO, I THOUGHT IT WAS
FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY.
- Janet: HMM-MM.
- I SOLD MYSELF
FOR NOTHING.
I'M SO ASHAMED!
- POOR JACK!
- (Jack whimpers)
- HOW SWEET.
- (sobs)
- JACK...
- YOU DID IT
ALL FOR US.
(whimpers)
WE'RE THE ONES WHO
SHOULD BE ASHAMED.
OH, JACK, HOW CAN WE
EVER MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
TAKE ME, I'M ALREADY PAID FOR!
GIRLS, GIRLS... HANG ON...!
Jack: HERE WE GO, LADIES.
CHAMPAGNE, COMPLIMENTS OF LANA.
HAPPY 3rd ANNIVERSARY!
- CHEERS!
- HERE'S TO US!
(knocking)
LANA!
FORGIVE ME FOR
BARGING IN, BUT...
ARE YOU THROUGH
WITH MY ICE BUCKET?
OH, SURE. HERE IT IS. THANK YOU.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING HIGH
AND LOW FOR AN APARTMENT.
THAT HOTEL IS SUCH A DRAG.
WHAT A SHAME.
THE APARTMENT NEXT DOOR
WAS FOR RENT YESTERDAY
BUT THEY JUST
TOOK THE SIGN DOWN.
I SURE DID!
WE'RE GOING TO BE
SUCH GOOD NEIGHBORS!
VROOM! VROOM!
YOU'LL BE SEEING MORE OF ME.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Ritter's Voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.