Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 1 - Jack on the Lam - full transcript
A couple of FBI agents come to the apartment looking for Jack, when he wasn't there, they tell the girls it's in relation to someone he knew when he was in the Navy. At first Jack doesn't remember him, but he then remembers that the guy helped Jack get out of Navy a little early so he thinks that's why the FBI is looking for him. When they return Jack puts on a dress and pretends to be Chrissy who's suppose to go out with a client.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
JANET, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?
WHAT OTHER SHOE?
THE ONE THAT GOES WITH THIS ONE.
CHRISSY, WHAT SHOE
ARE YOU WEARING?
THE LEFT ONE.
THEN YOU MUST BE
LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE?
WELL OF COURSE I AM. WHY WOULD
I BE LOOKING FOR THE WRONG ONE?
TRUE, TRUE. HOW STUPID OF ME.
SOMETIMES IT SURE TAKES YOU A
LONG TIME TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.
I'M SORRY.
JANET, PLEASE HELP ME. I'VE
BEEN LOOKING AND LOOKING,
- AND I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE.
- OKAY, OKAY. LOOK, JUST SAY
TO YOURSELF,
"IF I WERE A SHOE,
WHERE WOULD I BE?"
- AND THEN GO THERE.
- THAT'S GOOD.
N...
IF I WERE A SHOE,
WHERE WOULD I BE?
JANET! YOU DID IT!
- I FOUND IT!
- OH, COME ON, CHRISSY,
DON'T KID ME.
YOU KNEW WHERE THAT
SHOE WAS ALL THE TIME.
NO, I DIDN'T.
ARE... ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
- THAT MY DUMB SYSTEM
WORKED?
- YEAH.
- BUT CHRISSY,
THAT'S CRAZY.
- NO, IT ISN'T.
WHEN I WAS ASKING MYSELF,
"WHERE WOULD I BE IF I WERE A SHOE,"
I LOOKED DOWN AND THERE WAS MY
SHOE STICKING OUT FROM UNDER THE COUCH.
OH, WELL THEN YOU
DIDN'T NEED MY HELP.
OF COURSE I DID. IF IT
WEREN'T FOR YOUR QUESTION
- I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
LOOKING DOWN.
- CHRISSY.
- I WOULD'VE BEEN LOOKING
STRAIGHT AHEAD LIKE THIS.
- OKAY.
AND IF I'D BEEN LOOKING STRAIGHT
AHEAD I NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND MY SHOE.
YEAH, COULD WE
JUST DROP IT, PLEASE?
- I JUST WANT
TO SAY THANK YOU.
- CHRISSY, LOOK, FORGET IT.
BOY, SOME PEOPLE SURE
CAN'T ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT.
OH, I'M SORRY, CHRISSY.
I'M REAL GLAD YOU
FOUND YOUR SHOE.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY BROWN BELT?
HOW COME YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A
BIG DEAL OVER A BLIND DATE, ANYWAY?
IT IS NOT JUST A
DATE, IT'S BUSINESS.
THIS WALTER NESSLE IS
ONE OF OUR COMPANY'S
BIG EXECUTIVES FROM BACK EAST.
SO HOW COME YOU
GOT STUCK WITH HIM?
HE HAS A DAY LAYOVER,
AND MY BOSS ASKED ME
- IF I'D TAKE
HIM OUT FOR A BITE.
- OR AT LEAST A HICKEY?
JANET!
- ARE YOU
GOING OUT TONIGHT?
- OH NO. NO.
- WHY?
- WELL, THERE'S
A GREAT MOVIE ON TV,
A TERRIFIC BOOK
I'D LIKE TO FINISH,
- AND NOBODY ASKED ME.
- YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME KNOW.
- I DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- NO, I MEAN I COULD'VE...
- (doorbell rings) - OH, MY DATE
IS RIGHT HERE. RIGHT ON TIME.
- GOOD EVENING.
- OH, HOW THOUGHTFUL,
INSTEAD OF FLOWERS,
HE BROUGHT A FRIEND.
COME IN. OH, COME IN.
LOOK, JANET, THERE ARE TWO
OF THEM. WE CAN DOUBLE DATE.
OH, NO, NO, I DON'T...
SHE'S A LITTLE SHY, BUT
WHEN SHE GETS GOING,
SHE'S DYNAMITE.
GO GET DRESSED, HURRY
UP. NOW, WALTER, YOU AND...
- MA'AM, WE'RE HERE...
- (phone rings)
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO?
OH, HI, WALTER.
NO, YOU'RE NOT LATE,
YOU JUST GOT HERE.
IN FACT, YOU'RE BOTH HERE.
OH... EXCUSE ME.
- JANET.
- HMM?
ONE OF THESE GUYS ISN'T WALTER,
AND NEITHER IS THE OTHER ONE.
OH. (laughs nervously)
WELL... (laughs)
WHO ARE YOU?
WE'RE WITH THE F.B.I.
- (Chrissy gasps)
- THE F.B.I?
YES MA'AM. YOU CAN
PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.
I'M SPECIAL AGENT ROTH,
AND THIS IS SPECIAL
AGENT BANNING.
OH WOW, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WALTER
BECAUSE HE'S FROM BACK EAST
AND OUT HERE ONLY NERDS WEAR
CLOTHES AND HAIRCUTS LIKE YOURS.
YOU'D BETTER TAKE IT, JANET.
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD
ON JUST A SECOND.
YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THOSE
BADGES OUT OF A BUBBLE-GUM MACHINE
FOR ALL WE KNOW. LET'S HAVE
MORE THAN JUST A QUICK FLASH.
THEY COULD BE JUST A
COUPLE OF CLOWNS WHO...
PRETTY BADGES.
- OH!
- CHRISSY,
- JUST CALM DOWN.
- I'M CALM.
- WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A JACK TRIPPER.
- Both: JACK?
- YOU DO KNOW HIM,
DON'T YOU?
- WELL...
DOES ANYBODY
REALLY KNOW ANYBODY?
BUT HE DOES LIVE HERE?
WELL...
DOES ANYBODY REALLY
KNOW WHERE ANYBODY LIVES?
(both laugh nervously)
WELL, IS HE HOME?
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE JACK IS.
NO, JACK'S ALWAYS ON THE RUN.
- SHH!
- I MEAN...
- ON THE GO.
- YEAH, HE GOES
ALL THE TIME.
COULD YOU TELL US
WHY YOU WANNA SEE HIM?
IT'S A FEDERAL MATTER. DO
YOU KNOW OF HIS ASSOCIATION
WITH A B. MILLER?
WHO'S SHE?
BENJAMIN MILLER.
WHAT A WEIRD NAME FOR A GIRL.
SHE'S A MAN.
WELL, HAVE MR. TRIPPER CALL
THIS NUMBER WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
OKAY.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY
GONNA BE A REALLY LONG TIME
- BEFORE WE SEE HIM.
- WE'LL STILL BE THERE.
- (Chrissy gasps)
- CHRISSY, I DON'T
BELIEVE IT, THE F.B.I.
- AND THEY'RE AFTER JACK.
- YEAH.
OH, JANET, JACK'S IN
TROUBLE. WE GOTTA HELP HIM.
OH, BUT HOW?
- LET'S CALL THE POLICE.
- NO!
GET READY FOR THE WORLD'S
GREATEST BAVARIAN CREAM PIE.
JACK, WE ARE SO
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I HAVE MADE SOME
BRILLIANT PIES BEFORE,
BUT THIS ONE COULD
BRING WORLD PEACE.
JACK, WE HAVE BAD NEWS.
I MAY BE ABLE TO CHALLENGE THE
WORLD'S GREATEST PIE-MAKERS.
JACK, PLEASE, THE
F.B.I. WAS HERE.
JUST WAIT TILL YOU TURN ON
YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THIS BEAUTY.
JACK, THE F.B.I. WAS
LOOKING FOR YOU.
- FOR ME?
- (Janet screams)
NOTHING. I JUST CAN'T
REMEMBER ANY BEN MILLER.
- OH, JACK.
- I DON'T THINK THERE
EVEN IS A BEN MILLER.
(sighs) OKAY. LET'S JUST
START AT THE BEGINNING,
AND WE'LL GO THROUGH ALL THE IMPORTANT
THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
YEAH! JACK TRIPPER,
THIS IS YOUR
LIFE. (snorts, laughs)
CHRISSY, DO YOU
WANNA HELP ME OR NOT?
- YEAH.
- THEN NO MORE... (snorting)
OKAY?
- OKAY.
- I'M SORRY, CHRISSY,
- BUT I'M UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE HERE...
- I'M JUST TRYING...
OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
FORGET THE EARLY YEARS.
- WE'LL GO RIGHT
TO HIGH SCHOOL.
- OKAY.
- DO YOU REMEMBER A BEN MILLER
FROM HIGH SCHOOL?
- NO, I...
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- Janet: HMM?
- I REMEMBER A SUSIE MILLER.
- DID SHE HAVE A BROTHER?
IF SHE DID, I WOULDN'T
BE ALIVE TODAY.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE NAVY, JACK?
- MAYBE YOU KNEW HIM THERE.
- THE NAVY, LET'S SEE,
MY SQUAD WAS BECKENDORF,
CARLISLE, MORGAN,
DOYLE, BENDER,
WATTS... WAIT... WAIT!
YEAH, MY COMMANDING OFFICER
AT BOOT CAMP WAS NAMED MILLER.
- WHAT WAS HIS FIRST NAME?
- CAPTAIN! OH NO.
- JACK, COME ON.
- I'M SORRY,
I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER.
WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER,
MY OLD AUNTIE SAYS...
WAIT A MINUTE, ANTE.
- ANTE, THAT'S HIM!
- HIS NAME WAS AUNTIE MILLER?
NO, NO. ANTE, LIKE IN POKER.
YOU KNOW, "ANTE
UP"? BEN, IS BIPPO.
BIPPO MILLER. WE PLAYED
POKER TOGETHER IN THE SERVICE.
- OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
THAT'S WHY THE
F.B.I. IS AFTER ME.
Both girls: WHY?
ABOUT SIX WEEKS BEFORE I GOT OUT
THEY SENT US ALL TO
A SEPARATION CAMP.
THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO
ALL DAY LONG BUT PLAY POKER.
IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL
WAR GAMES? (snorts, laughs)
HEY! WHAT DID I TELL
YOU ABOUT... (snorts)
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
CHRISSY, THIS IS NO
TIME TO BE FUNNY. GO ON.
- GO ON.
- WELL, SEE,
WE GOT IN THIS BIG GAME AND
BIPPO ENDED UP OWING ME $100.
WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENED HE
WORKED IN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE.
SO HE OFFERED TO PAY ME BACK
BY MOVING MY DISCHARGE UP A WEEK.
SO LIKE A JERK, I AGREED TO IT.
I THINK HE FORGOT THE ENDING.
NO, CHRISSY, DON'T YOU SEE?
THEY FOUND OUT THAT I DIDN'T
DO MY FULL TIME. I'M AWOL.
OH, WHAT'S A WALL?
AWOL, CHRISSY, COME
ON. ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE.
OH, DON'T YOU
SEE? I'M A DESERTER.
THEY'RE GONNA COURT-MARTIAL ME.
I'LL GET SENT TO
LEAVENWORTH MAKING BIG ONES
INTO LITTLE ONES
ON THE ROCK PILE.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'LL GO BERSERK.
I'LL TRY TO ESCAPE.
I'LL JUMP OVER THE WALL
AND THEY'LL SEE ME
AND THEY'LL SHOOT ME.
OH, JANET, CHRISSY, I DON'T WANNA
DIE ON THE PRISON WALL ALONE.
JACK, COME ON, JUST RELAX.
YOU'RE PROBABLY
GONNA DIE IN BED.
AND IF YOU DO, 10 TO
ONE YOU WON'T BE ALONE.
- (doorbell rings)
- JACK.
- THAT'S THEM!
- (Chrissy yelps)
JACK, WILL YOU CALM
DOWN? IT'S JUST MY DATE.
I FORGOT HE WAS STILL COMING.
OH!
- IT'S THEM. HIDE!
- Janet: IN THE KITCHEN.
NO, THAT'S THE FIRST
PLACE THEY'LL LOOK.
EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH
I LIKE TO COOK. MY BEDROOM!
NO! NO, NO! THAT'S THE
SECOND PLACE THEY'LL LOOK.
- EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TO...
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOUR BEDROOM!
WHY DID YOU SLAM THE
DOOR IN OUR FACES?
WELL, YOU SEE, I WASN'T
SURE THAT I WAS DECENT.
SO I TOOK A QUICK
LOOK, AND I AM.
COME IN.
HAS MR. TRIPPER COME HOME YET?
WELL, YOU KNOW...
WE HAVE SO MANY
PEOPLE LIVING HERE
THAT THERE'S JUST ALWAYS
SOMEBODY COMING IN AND GOING OUT.
SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO I'M SLEEPING WITH.
WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY WAS
THAT SHE SHARES HER ROOM
WITH SO MANY OTHER GIRLS.
YOU KNOW?
WHAT TIME DO YOU
EXPECT HIM BACK?
I'M TELLING YOU,
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
IT COULD BE DAYS.
- WEEKS.
- IN THAT CASE,
WE'LL COME BACK.
YOU STILL HAVE OUR CARD.
WE'LL SEE THAT JACK GETS
IT THE MINUTE YOU LEAVE.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, WE'LL STAY.
WELL IN THAT CASE, SIT DOWN.
- WELL!
- (both girls shout)
- AS LONG AS WE'RE
WAITING, - Janet: YEAH?
- I'LL GET A LITTLE
INFORMATION ON EACH OF YOU.
- Janet: OH.
Banning: YOUR NAME IS?
I HAVE TO MAKE MY BED.
SHE'S VERY NEAT.
(doorbell rings)
I'LL GET THAT. EXCUSE ME.
THAT MAY BE TRIPPER.
I COULD... OKAY.
- HELLO.
- HI, CHRISSY?
OH, NO, NO, I'M JANET.
PLEASE COME IN.
- MR. TRIPPER?
- OH, NO, I'M WALTER NESSLE,
FROM NEW YORK.
I HAVE A DATE WITH CHRISSY.
WHO ARE YOU?
THE F.B.I. CAN WE SEE SOME ID?
OH, ANY TIME.
OKAY.
I'VE MET PROTECTIVE FATHERS,
BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT MUCH?
OH NO, MR. NESSLE.
THEY'RE NOT HERE FOR THAT.
- COME AND SIT DOWN.
- OH, OKAY.
THEY COME AROUND OFTEN?
EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
SECURITY BUILDINGS ARE.
- OH, YEAH.
- I'LL JUST HINT TO CHRISSY
THAT SHE SHOULD HURRY.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.
- (shouting) CHRISSY,
YOUR DATE'S HERE!
- I'M SORRY.
- COMING.
OH, SO YOU'RE CHRISSY.
(high voice) NO, SILLY, I AM.
I TELL YOU, CHRISSY, IT'S
GONNA BE A REAL PLEASURE
TAKING YOU OUT.
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
HAPPY I AM TO GET OUT... GO OUT.
DOESN'T CHRISSY LOOK
PRETTY TONIGHT, JANET?
HUH?
OH! OH, YES. SHE'S... SHE'S...
TRY STUNNING.
I'M STUNNED.
COME ON, CHRISSY,
LET'S BREAK OUT OF HERE.
JUST KIDDING, FELLAS.
- EXCUSE ME, CHRISSY.
- NOT NOW, JANET. GOTTA RUN.
PARDON ME, DEAR, BUT
YOUR ZIPPER IS OPEN.
Janet: NO, IN THE BACK.
ALLOW ME, SWEETMEAT.
(regular voice) WATCH
IT, CREEP. I MEAN...
(high voice) YOU DARLING
DEVIL, GIVE ME MY SHAWL BACK.
EXCUSE US, SIR.
- Both: YES.
- Jack: OH!
WALTER, I THINK THEY WANT YOU.
WOULD YOU MIND
WAITING FOR A MINUTE?
- NO.
- WE'D LIKE TO ASK THE YOUNG
LADY SOME QUESTIONS.
BOYS, SHAME ON YOU.
WALTER SAW ME FIRST,
- BE GOOD SPORTS.
- CHRISSY, THESE MEN
ARE THE F.B.I.
OH, HOW EXCITING, G-MEN.
NO, F-MEN.
DO YOU KNOW JACK TRIPPER?
OH YES, JACK TRIPPER
AND I ARE VERY CLOSE.
WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HIM?
OH, NOSY.
JUST TRYING TO
DO OUR JOBS, MA'AM.
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS...
TO KNOW HIM IS TO LOVE
HIM. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRLS?
YES. YES, HE'S VERY LOVABLE.
IN SPITE OF HIS LOOKS.
(coughs)
- WHAT ELSE CAN YOU
TELL US ABOUT HIM?
- THAT'S ABOUT IT,
- COME ON, HERSHEY,
LET'S TROT.
- NESSLE.
WHATEVER.
BYE, FELLAS, NICE MEETING YOU.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS VERY STRANGE.
I'VE JUST MET YOU
AND ALREADY I FEEL SO
COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.
JUST LIKE I'M ONE
OF THE BOYS, HUH?
OH NO, YOU'RE ALL WOMAN.
OH BOY, ARE YOU IN
FOR A SURPRISE. I'M NOT...
I'M NOT THE KIND OF GIRL
WHO KISSES ON THE FIRST DATE.
FANTASTIC, THAT MEANS WE CAN
GET TO THE GOOD STUFF RIGHT AWAY.
DOES SOMETHING SEEM
NOT QUITE RIGHT TO YOU?
YEAH, THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING
FISHY ABOUT THAT NESSLE GUY.
OH NO, THEY'RE FOLLOWING JACK.
I DON'T BLAME THEM. HE'S PRETTY
AND HE EVEN KNOWS HOW TO COOK.
COME ON, CHRISSY. WE'D
BETTER GO WARN HIM.
WAIT A MINUTE. ISN'T IT AGAINST
THE LAW TO FOLLOW THE F.B.I.?
OH, COME ON!
ANOTHER SCOTCH, JIM.
AREN'T YOU HAVING A LITTLE
MORE THAN USUAL TONIGHT, LARRY?
IT'S MEDICINE TO HELP
ME GET OVER LUCILLE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE
WALKED OUT ON ME.
- YEAH, BUT DRINKING...
- SHE WAS ONE OF A KIND.
I WORSHIPPED HER, JIM.
RIGHT FROM THE START, I KNEW
SHE WAS THE ONLY GIRL
IN THE WORLD FOR ME.
WHENEVER WE WERE TOGETHER
NOTHING ELSE MATTERED.
OH GOD, THE FUN WE HAD.
WALKING, TALKING,
LAUGHING, (laughs)
THAT'S ALL GONE NOW.
AWW.
- HOW LONG DID YOU KNOW HER?
- A COUPLE OF HOURS.
(high voice) NOW,
WALT... WALTER,
WALTER, CAN'T WE
GO SOMEPLACE ELSE?
YEAH, SURE, BUT I'M
THIRSTY. YOU KNOW,
LIKE ONE FIREFLY SAID TO THE
OTHER, "LET'S GET A QUICK GLOW ON."
- (laughs)
- (Jack fake laughs)
WHOA! HA.
YOU ARE MY KIND
OF GIRL, CHRISSY.
WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND
OF GIRL YOU THINK I AM.
(snorts, laughs)
LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
I AM NOT A ONE-NIGHT-
STAND TYPE OF GUY.
- OOH.
- RIGHT NOW, YOU AND I
ARE AT LEVEL ONE.
I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO SPEND
A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
EVEN MONTHS GETTING TO KNOW A
GIRL BEFORE I TRY ANYTHING PHYSICAL.
- THAT'S LEVEL TWO.
- IT'S SUCH A SHAME YOU'RE
LEAVING IN THE MORNING.
I KNOW. THINK WE CAN
GET TO LEVEL TWO BY 6:00?
OH, WALT, BABY, BE PATIENT.
YOU'RE GONNA GO RIGHT THROUGH
THE ROOF A LOT SOONER THAN THAT.
OH, BOY! (laughs)
LISTEN, I GOTTA GO TO
THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM,
BUT WHEN I COME BACK,
WE'LL HAVE THE WHOLE EVENING
TO MAKE THE EARTH MOVE.
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT A BIG SHOVEL.
OH, I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT.
(groans)
(Jack screams)
HEY NOW, YOU KNOW...
YOU SHOULDN'T HIDE
ALL THAT BEAUTY,
SWEET THING.
SO GORGEOUS.
AND SO STRONG.
I NEVER SPEAK TO
STRANGERS IN BARS.
THEN LET'S BECOME FRIENDS.
THAT'S MY KNEE.
THAT'S MY HAND.
THIS IS MY ELBOW.
Janet: HI! HI!
WE DIDN'T EXPECT
TO MEET YOU HERE.
LISTEN, HOW ABOUT IF UNCLE SAM
PICKS UP THE TAB FOR A CHANGE?
- BUY US A DRINK.
- WELL, WILBUR, I...
- OH, JUST THIS ONCE.
- SAILOR.
WHO WILL KNOW?
COME ON. SIT DOWN.
HERE, THIS'LL BE SO MUCH FUN.
(Larry laughs)
ANGEL, DON'T YOU EVER
LEAVE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.
MY WHOLE LIFE PASSED
IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SWACKED.
THE ROOM'S SPINNING, LARRY.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS.
COME ON, JUST TRY
AND FOCUS, OKAY?
DOES THE NAME JACK TRIPPER
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
JACK TRIPPER?
- COME ON.
- OF COURSE.
YOU'RE JACK'S SISTER.
I SHOULD'VE NOTICED
THE RESEMBLANCE.
LARRY, YOU CLUCK, IT'S ME, JACK!
IT IS YOU.
DOES THIS MEAN...
ROPER WAS RIGHT?
- JUST KIDDING.
- (purse thumps on table)
(laughs) GOSH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.
HEY, TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT
YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE NOT OFF
CHASING DOWN DANGEROUS CRIMINALS
OR ENEMY AGENTS.
I TRY TO GET AWAY FROM THE
VIOLENT WORLD I'M PART OF.
I PRACTICE KARATE, I HUNT, I
COLLECT GUNS AND SWORDS.
SO YOU SEE, LARRY,
THEY'RE FOLLOWING ME,
MAN, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
- DID YOU PIERCE YOUR EARS?
- COME ON!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
JUST PRETEND I'M YOUR
DATE, WALK ME OUT THE DOOR
AND TAKE ME BACK
TO YOUR APARTMENT.
- AND THEN WHAT?
- WILL YOU CUT THE CLOWNING?
JUST KIDDING. OKAY, SWEET PEA,
- COME ON, IT'S TIME
TO GO NOW.
- OH, OKAY.
- COME ON, HONEY LAMB. UPSY DAISY.
- HERE I COME.
ALL RIGHT, PAL, HOLD IT. WHAT DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH MY DATE?
- YOUR WHAT?
- IS HE ANNOYING YOU,
DARLING?
- (Jack laughs nervously)
- DARLING?
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU,
LARRY, WALTER'S MY DATE.
OH, I HOPE YOU TWO
WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
- DON'T LEAVE ME.
- CHRISSY, WHAT IS THIS?
I'VE KNOWN YOU
LESS THAN TWO HOURS
AND ALREADY YOU'RE
TWO-TIMING ME WITH THIS QUINK?
- NOW, WALTER...
- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, FATSO?
LARRY, SIT DOWN.
- A QUINK.
- BOYS, BOYS, BOYS,
BOYS, BOYS!
DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER JACK.
YEAH.
I WISH I KNEW WHAT
PERFUME HE USED.
- WE'D BETTER
CHECK THAT OUT.
- RIGHT.
OH NO, IT'S OKAY.
I'M SURE IT'S...
DON'T EVER CALL
ME A QUINK, OKAY?
- OKAY, YOU'RE A SCHMURD.
- A WHAT?
- A SCHMURD.
- Jack: OOH!
OH, HI. HELLO, IT'S ME AGAIN.
MEN ALWAYS FIGHT OVER ME.
IT'S THE CURSE OF BEING A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, I GUESS.
AND BRAINS, TOO. IT'S NOT
ALL BEAUTY, NO IT ISN'T BEAUTY.
IT'S... CONE... HA...
HA... HEADACHE.
- YOU DROPPED YOUR HAT, MISS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- OH!
- I'M CLEAN, GUYS.
HI, I'M JACK TRIPPER.
HOW ARE YOU?
LOOK, LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?
MR. TRIPPER, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE DRESSED UP LIKE THAT.
- I WAS HIDING
FROM YOU GUYS.
- WHY?
WE JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A
FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT BEN MILLER.
- QUESTIONS?
- YES.
HE NEEDS A SECURITY
CLEARANCE FOR A GOVERNMENT JOB
AND HE GAVE US YOUR NAME.
THAT'S ALL? REALLY?
YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT ME?
- NO.
- (Jack sighs)
I WANTED YOU.
OH, HOW I WANTED YOU.
MR. NESSLE, I'M CHRISSY.
- HUH?
- THE REAL CHRISSY,
THE ONE YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO GO OUT WITH.
- OH.
- SO, IF YOU WANNA
GO OUT,
WE COULD START
OUR DATE RIGHT NOW.
OH, THANK YOU.
BUT WHEN YOU'VE MET
THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS,
IT SPOILS IT FOR OTHER WOMEN.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BLONDIE.
SO, THAT'S ABOUT IT. I HOPE
THAT HELPED YOU GUYS.
BYE? RIGHT, BYE.
- Jack: BYE.
- Chrissy: BYE.
OH, WHAT A RELIEF. I'M
FREE, I'M FREE AT LAST.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. PEOPLE ARE
STARTING TO LOOK AT YOU VERY QUEERLY.
STRANGELY, CHRISSY. STRANGELY.
WE'LL GO AS SOON AS I GET
BACK FROM THE BATHROOM, OKAY?
- OKAY, WILL YOU HURRY?
- YEAH.
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL
MY BOSS TOMORROW?
OH, CHRISSY, JUST
TELL HER THE TRUTH.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
EVEN I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
NO, NO LADIES, IT WAS A MISTAKE!
- OKAY?
- Woman: YOU PERVERT!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEO-TAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
JANET, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY OTHER SHOE?
WHAT OTHER SHOE?
THE ONE THAT GOES WITH THIS ONE.
CHRISSY, WHAT SHOE
ARE YOU WEARING?
THE LEFT ONE.
THEN YOU MUST BE
LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE?
WELL OF COURSE I AM. WHY WOULD
I BE LOOKING FOR THE WRONG ONE?
TRUE, TRUE. HOW STUPID OF ME.
SOMETIMES IT SURE TAKES YOU A
LONG TIME TO FIGURE THINGS OUT.
I'M SORRY.
JANET, PLEASE HELP ME. I'VE
BEEN LOOKING AND LOOKING,
- AND I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE.
- OKAY, OKAY. LOOK, JUST SAY
TO YOURSELF,
"IF I WERE A SHOE,
WHERE WOULD I BE?"
- AND THEN GO THERE.
- THAT'S GOOD.
N...
IF I WERE A SHOE,
WHERE WOULD I BE?
JANET! YOU DID IT!
- I FOUND IT!
- OH, COME ON, CHRISSY,
DON'T KID ME.
YOU KNEW WHERE THAT
SHOE WAS ALL THE TIME.
NO, I DIDN'T.
ARE... ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME
- THAT MY DUMB SYSTEM
WORKED?
- YEAH.
- BUT CHRISSY,
THAT'S CRAZY.
- NO, IT ISN'T.
WHEN I WAS ASKING MYSELF,
"WHERE WOULD I BE IF I WERE A SHOE,"
I LOOKED DOWN AND THERE WAS MY
SHOE STICKING OUT FROM UNDER THE COUCH.
OH, WELL THEN YOU
DIDN'T NEED MY HELP.
OF COURSE I DID. IF IT
WEREN'T FOR YOUR QUESTION
- I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
LOOKING DOWN.
- CHRISSY.
- I WOULD'VE BEEN LOOKING
STRAIGHT AHEAD LIKE THIS.
- OKAY.
AND IF I'D BEEN LOOKING STRAIGHT
AHEAD I NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND MY SHOE.
YEAH, COULD WE
JUST DROP IT, PLEASE?
- I JUST WANT
TO SAY THANK YOU.
- CHRISSY, LOOK, FORGET IT.
BOY, SOME PEOPLE SURE
CAN'T ACCEPT A COMPLIMENT.
OH, I'M SORRY, CHRISSY.
I'M REAL GLAD YOU
FOUND YOUR SHOE.
HAVE YOU SEEN MY BROWN BELT?
HOW COME YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A
BIG DEAL OVER A BLIND DATE, ANYWAY?
IT IS NOT JUST A
DATE, IT'S BUSINESS.
THIS WALTER NESSLE IS
ONE OF OUR COMPANY'S
BIG EXECUTIVES FROM BACK EAST.
SO HOW COME YOU
GOT STUCK WITH HIM?
HE HAS A DAY LAYOVER,
AND MY BOSS ASKED ME
- IF I'D TAKE
HIM OUT FOR A BITE.
- OR AT LEAST A HICKEY?
JANET!
- ARE YOU
GOING OUT TONIGHT?
- OH NO. NO.
- WHY?
- WELL, THERE'S
A GREAT MOVIE ON TV,
A TERRIFIC BOOK
I'D LIKE TO FINISH,
- AND NOBODY ASKED ME.
- YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME KNOW.
- I DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
- NO, I MEAN I COULD'VE...
- (doorbell rings) - OH, MY DATE
IS RIGHT HERE. RIGHT ON TIME.
- GOOD EVENING.
- OH, HOW THOUGHTFUL,
INSTEAD OF FLOWERS,
HE BROUGHT A FRIEND.
COME IN. OH, COME IN.
LOOK, JANET, THERE ARE TWO
OF THEM. WE CAN DOUBLE DATE.
OH, NO, NO, I DON'T...
SHE'S A LITTLE SHY, BUT
WHEN SHE GETS GOING,
SHE'S DYNAMITE.
GO GET DRESSED, HURRY
UP. NOW, WALTER, YOU AND...
- MA'AM, WE'RE HERE...
- (phone rings)
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO?
OH, HI, WALTER.
NO, YOU'RE NOT LATE,
YOU JUST GOT HERE.
IN FACT, YOU'RE BOTH HERE.
OH... EXCUSE ME.
- JANET.
- HMM?
ONE OF THESE GUYS ISN'T WALTER,
AND NEITHER IS THE OTHER ONE.
OH. (laughs nervously)
WELL... (laughs)
WHO ARE YOU?
WE'RE WITH THE F.B.I.
- (Chrissy gasps)
- THE F.B.I?
YES MA'AM. YOU CAN
PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.
I'M SPECIAL AGENT ROTH,
AND THIS IS SPECIAL
AGENT BANNING.
OH WOW, I'M SORRY.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE WALTER
BECAUSE HE'S FROM BACK EAST
AND OUT HERE ONLY NERDS WEAR
CLOTHES AND HAIRCUTS LIKE YOURS.
YOU'D BETTER TAKE IT, JANET.
WAIT A MINUTE. HOLD
ON JUST A SECOND.
YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THOSE
BADGES OUT OF A BUBBLE-GUM MACHINE
FOR ALL WE KNOW. LET'S HAVE
MORE THAN JUST A QUICK FLASH.
THEY COULD BE JUST A
COUPLE OF CLOWNS WHO...
PRETTY BADGES.
- OH!
- CHRISSY,
- JUST CALM DOWN.
- I'M CALM.
- WE'RE LOOKING
FOR A JACK TRIPPER.
- Both: JACK?
- YOU DO KNOW HIM,
DON'T YOU?
- WELL...
DOES ANYBODY
REALLY KNOW ANYBODY?
BUT HE DOES LIVE HERE?
WELL...
DOES ANYBODY REALLY
KNOW WHERE ANYBODY LIVES?
(both laugh nervously)
WELL, IS HE HOME?
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE JACK IS.
NO, JACK'S ALWAYS ON THE RUN.
- SHH!
- I MEAN...
- ON THE GO.
- YEAH, HE GOES
ALL THE TIME.
COULD YOU TELL US
WHY YOU WANNA SEE HIM?
IT'S A FEDERAL MATTER. DO
YOU KNOW OF HIS ASSOCIATION
WITH A B. MILLER?
WHO'S SHE?
BENJAMIN MILLER.
WHAT A WEIRD NAME FOR A GIRL.
SHE'S A MAN.
WELL, HAVE MR. TRIPPER CALL
THIS NUMBER WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
OKAY.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S PROBABLY
GONNA BE A REALLY LONG TIME
- BEFORE WE SEE HIM.
- WE'LL STILL BE THERE.
- (Chrissy gasps)
- CHRISSY, I DON'T
BELIEVE IT, THE F.B.I.
- AND THEY'RE AFTER JACK.
- YEAH.
OH, JANET, JACK'S IN
TROUBLE. WE GOTTA HELP HIM.
OH, BUT HOW?
- LET'S CALL THE POLICE.
- NO!
GET READY FOR THE WORLD'S
GREATEST BAVARIAN CREAM PIE.
JACK, WE ARE SO
GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
I HAVE MADE SOME
BRILLIANT PIES BEFORE,
BUT THIS ONE COULD
BRING WORLD PEACE.
JACK, WE HAVE BAD NEWS.
I MAY BE ABLE TO CHALLENGE THE
WORLD'S GREATEST PIE-MAKERS.
JACK, PLEASE, THE
F.B.I. WAS HERE.
JUST WAIT TILL YOU TURN ON
YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THIS BEAUTY.
JACK, THE F.B.I. WAS
LOOKING FOR YOU.
- FOR ME?
- (Janet screams)
NOTHING. I JUST CAN'T
REMEMBER ANY BEN MILLER.
- OH, JACK.
- I DON'T THINK THERE
EVEN IS A BEN MILLER.
(sighs) OKAY. LET'S JUST
START AT THE BEGINNING,
AND WE'LL GO THROUGH ALL THE IMPORTANT
THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.
YEAH! JACK TRIPPER,
THIS IS YOUR
LIFE. (snorts, laughs)
CHRISSY, DO YOU
WANNA HELP ME OR NOT?
- YEAH.
- THEN NO MORE... (snorting)
OKAY?
- OKAY.
- I'M SORRY, CHRISSY,
- BUT I'M UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE HERE...
- I'M JUST TRYING...
OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
FORGET THE EARLY YEARS.
- WE'LL GO RIGHT
TO HIGH SCHOOL.
- OKAY.
- DO YOU REMEMBER A BEN MILLER
FROM HIGH SCHOOL?
- NO, I...
- WAIT A MINUTE.
- Janet: HMM?
- I REMEMBER A SUSIE MILLER.
- DID SHE HAVE A BROTHER?
IF SHE DID, I WOULDN'T
BE ALIVE TODAY.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE NAVY, JACK?
- MAYBE YOU KNEW HIM THERE.
- THE NAVY, LET'S SEE,
MY SQUAD WAS BECKENDORF,
CARLISLE, MORGAN,
DOYLE, BENDER,
WATTS... WAIT... WAIT!
YEAH, MY COMMANDING OFFICER
AT BOOT CAMP WAS NAMED MILLER.
- WHAT WAS HIS FIRST NAME?
- CAPTAIN! OH NO.
- JACK, COME ON.
- I'M SORRY,
I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER.
WHEN YOU CAN'T REMEMBER,
MY OLD AUNTIE SAYS...
WAIT A MINUTE, ANTE.
- ANTE, THAT'S HIM!
- HIS NAME WAS AUNTIE MILLER?
NO, NO. ANTE, LIKE IN POKER.
YOU KNOW, "ANTE
UP"? BEN, IS BIPPO.
BIPPO MILLER. WE PLAYED
POKER TOGETHER IN THE SERVICE.
- OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
- NO, IT'S NOT.
THAT'S WHY THE
F.B.I. IS AFTER ME.
Both girls: WHY?
ABOUT SIX WEEKS BEFORE I GOT OUT
THEY SENT US ALL TO
A SEPARATION CAMP.
THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO
ALL DAY LONG BUT PLAY POKER.
IS THAT WHAT THEY CALL
WAR GAMES? (snorts, laughs)
HEY! WHAT DID I TELL
YOU ABOUT... (snorts)
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
CHRISSY, THIS IS NO
TIME TO BE FUNNY. GO ON.
- GO ON.
- WELL, SEE,
WE GOT IN THIS BIG GAME AND
BIPPO ENDED UP OWING ME $100.
WELL, IT JUST SO HAPPENED HE
WORKED IN THE PERSONNEL OFFICE.
SO HE OFFERED TO PAY ME BACK
BY MOVING MY DISCHARGE UP A WEEK.
SO LIKE A JERK, I AGREED TO IT.
I THINK HE FORGOT THE ENDING.
NO, CHRISSY, DON'T YOU SEE?
THEY FOUND OUT THAT I DIDN'T
DO MY FULL TIME. I'M AWOL.
OH, WHAT'S A WALL?
AWOL, CHRISSY, COME
ON. ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE.
OH, DON'T YOU
SEE? I'M A DESERTER.
THEY'RE GONNA COURT-MARTIAL ME.
I'LL GET SENT TO
LEAVENWORTH MAKING BIG ONES
INTO LITTLE ONES
ON THE ROCK PILE.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I'LL GO BERSERK.
I'LL TRY TO ESCAPE.
I'LL JUMP OVER THE WALL
AND THEY'LL SEE ME
AND THEY'LL SHOOT ME.
OH, JANET, CHRISSY, I DON'T WANNA
DIE ON THE PRISON WALL ALONE.
JACK, COME ON, JUST RELAX.
YOU'RE PROBABLY
GONNA DIE IN BED.
AND IF YOU DO, 10 TO
ONE YOU WON'T BE ALONE.
- (doorbell rings)
- JACK.
- THAT'S THEM!
- (Chrissy yelps)
JACK, WILL YOU CALM
DOWN? IT'S JUST MY DATE.
I FORGOT HE WAS STILL COMING.
OH!
- IT'S THEM. HIDE!
- Janet: IN THE KITCHEN.
NO, THAT'S THE FIRST
PLACE THEY'LL LOOK.
EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH
I LIKE TO COOK. MY BEDROOM!
NO! NO, NO! THAT'S THE
SECOND PLACE THEY'LL LOOK.
- EVERYBODY KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU LIKE TO...
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOUR BEDROOM!
WHY DID YOU SLAM THE
DOOR IN OUR FACES?
WELL, YOU SEE, I WASN'T
SURE THAT I WAS DECENT.
SO I TOOK A QUICK
LOOK, AND I AM.
COME IN.
HAS MR. TRIPPER COME HOME YET?
WELL, YOU KNOW...
WE HAVE SO MANY
PEOPLE LIVING HERE
THAT THERE'S JUST ALWAYS
SOMEBODY COMING IN AND GOING OUT.
SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHO I'M SLEEPING WITH.
WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY WAS
THAT SHE SHARES HER ROOM
WITH SO MANY OTHER GIRLS.
YOU KNOW?
WHAT TIME DO YOU
EXPECT HIM BACK?
I'M TELLING YOU,
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
IT COULD BE DAYS.
- WEEKS.
- IN THAT CASE,
WE'LL COME BACK.
YOU STILL HAVE OUR CARD.
WE'LL SEE THAT JACK GETS
IT THE MINUTE YOU LEAVE.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, WE'LL STAY.
WELL IN THAT CASE, SIT DOWN.
- WELL!
- (both girls shout)
- AS LONG AS WE'RE
WAITING, - Janet: YEAH?
- I'LL GET A LITTLE
INFORMATION ON EACH OF YOU.
- Janet: OH.
Banning: YOUR NAME IS?
I HAVE TO MAKE MY BED.
SHE'S VERY NEAT.
(doorbell rings)
I'LL GET THAT. EXCUSE ME.
THAT MAY BE TRIPPER.
I COULD... OKAY.
- HELLO.
- HI, CHRISSY?
OH, NO, NO, I'M JANET.
PLEASE COME IN.
- MR. TRIPPER?
- OH, NO, I'M WALTER NESSLE,
FROM NEW YORK.
I HAVE A DATE WITH CHRISSY.
WHO ARE YOU?
THE F.B.I. CAN WE SEE SOME ID?
OH, ANY TIME.
OKAY.
I'VE MET PROTECTIVE FATHERS,
BUT ISN'T THIS A BIT MUCH?
OH NO, MR. NESSLE.
THEY'RE NOT HERE FOR THAT.
- COME AND SIT DOWN.
- OH, OKAY.
THEY COME AROUND OFTEN?
EVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW
SECURITY BUILDINGS ARE.
- OH, YEAH.
- I'LL JUST HINT TO CHRISSY
THAT SHE SHOULD HURRY.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.
- (shouting) CHRISSY,
YOUR DATE'S HERE!
- I'M SORRY.
- COMING.
OH, SO YOU'RE CHRISSY.
(high voice) NO, SILLY, I AM.
I TELL YOU, CHRISSY, IT'S
GONNA BE A REAL PLEASURE
TAKING YOU OUT.
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
HAPPY I AM TO GET OUT... GO OUT.
DOESN'T CHRISSY LOOK
PRETTY TONIGHT, JANET?
HUH?
OH! OH, YES. SHE'S... SHE'S...
TRY STUNNING.
I'M STUNNED.
COME ON, CHRISSY,
LET'S BREAK OUT OF HERE.
JUST KIDDING, FELLAS.
- EXCUSE ME, CHRISSY.
- NOT NOW, JANET. GOTTA RUN.
PARDON ME, DEAR, BUT
YOUR ZIPPER IS OPEN.
Janet: NO, IN THE BACK.
ALLOW ME, SWEETMEAT.
(regular voice) WATCH
IT, CREEP. I MEAN...
(high voice) YOU DARLING
DEVIL, GIVE ME MY SHAWL BACK.
EXCUSE US, SIR.
- Both: YES.
- Jack: OH!
WALTER, I THINK THEY WANT YOU.
WOULD YOU MIND
WAITING FOR A MINUTE?
- NO.
- WE'D LIKE TO ASK THE YOUNG
LADY SOME QUESTIONS.
BOYS, SHAME ON YOU.
WALTER SAW ME FIRST,
- BE GOOD SPORTS.
- CHRISSY, THESE MEN
ARE THE F.B.I.
OH, HOW EXCITING, G-MEN.
NO, F-MEN.
DO YOU KNOW JACK TRIPPER?
OH YES, JACK TRIPPER
AND I ARE VERY CLOSE.
WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT HIM?
OH, NOSY.
JUST TRYING TO
DO OUR JOBS, MA'AM.
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS...
TO KNOW HIM IS TO LOVE
HIM. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRLS?
YES. YES, HE'S VERY LOVABLE.
IN SPITE OF HIS LOOKS.
(coughs)
- WHAT ELSE CAN YOU
TELL US ABOUT HIM?
- THAT'S ABOUT IT,
- COME ON, HERSHEY,
LET'S TROT.
- NESSLE.
WHATEVER.
BYE, FELLAS, NICE MEETING YOU.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS VERY STRANGE.
I'VE JUST MET YOU
AND ALREADY I FEEL SO
COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.
JUST LIKE I'M ONE
OF THE BOYS, HUH?
OH NO, YOU'RE ALL WOMAN.
OH BOY, ARE YOU IN
FOR A SURPRISE. I'M NOT...
I'M NOT THE KIND OF GIRL
WHO KISSES ON THE FIRST DATE.
FANTASTIC, THAT MEANS WE CAN
GET TO THE GOOD STUFF RIGHT AWAY.
DOES SOMETHING SEEM
NOT QUITE RIGHT TO YOU?
YEAH, THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING
FISHY ABOUT THAT NESSLE GUY.
OH NO, THEY'RE FOLLOWING JACK.
I DON'T BLAME THEM. HE'S PRETTY
AND HE EVEN KNOWS HOW TO COOK.
COME ON, CHRISSY. WE'D
BETTER GO WARN HIM.
WAIT A MINUTE. ISN'T IT AGAINST
THE LAW TO FOLLOW THE F.B.I.?
OH, COME ON!
ANOTHER SCOTCH, JIM.
AREN'T YOU HAVING A LITTLE
MORE THAN USUAL TONIGHT, LARRY?
IT'S MEDICINE TO HELP
ME GET OVER LUCILLE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE
WALKED OUT ON ME.
- YEAH, BUT DRINKING...
- SHE WAS ONE OF A KIND.
I WORSHIPPED HER, JIM.
RIGHT FROM THE START, I KNEW
SHE WAS THE ONLY GIRL
IN THE WORLD FOR ME.
WHENEVER WE WERE TOGETHER
NOTHING ELSE MATTERED.
OH GOD, THE FUN WE HAD.
WALKING, TALKING,
LAUGHING, (laughs)
THAT'S ALL GONE NOW.
AWW.
- HOW LONG DID YOU KNOW HER?
- A COUPLE OF HOURS.
(high voice) NOW,
WALT... WALTER,
WALTER, CAN'T WE
GO SOMEPLACE ELSE?
YEAH, SURE, BUT I'M
THIRSTY. YOU KNOW,
LIKE ONE FIREFLY SAID TO THE
OTHER, "LET'S GET A QUICK GLOW ON."
- (laughs)
- (Jack fake laughs)
WHOA! HA.
YOU ARE MY KIND
OF GIRL, CHRISSY.
WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND
OF GIRL YOU THINK I AM.
(snorts, laughs)
LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.
I AM NOT A ONE-NIGHT-
STAND TYPE OF GUY.
- OOH.
- RIGHT NOW, YOU AND I
ARE AT LEVEL ONE.
I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO SPEND
A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
EVEN MONTHS GETTING TO KNOW A
GIRL BEFORE I TRY ANYTHING PHYSICAL.
- THAT'S LEVEL TWO.
- IT'S SUCH A SHAME YOU'RE
LEAVING IN THE MORNING.
I KNOW. THINK WE CAN
GET TO LEVEL TWO BY 6:00?
OH, WALT, BABY, BE PATIENT.
YOU'RE GONNA GO RIGHT THROUGH
THE ROOF A LOT SOONER THAN THAT.
OH, BOY! (laughs)
LISTEN, I GOTTA GO TO
THE LITTLE BOYS' ROOM,
BUT WHEN I COME BACK,
WE'LL HAVE THE WHOLE EVENING
TO MAKE THE EARTH MOVE.
I HOPE YOU BROUGHT A BIG SHOVEL.
OH, I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT.
(groans)
(Jack screams)
HEY NOW, YOU KNOW...
YOU SHOULDN'T HIDE
ALL THAT BEAUTY,
SWEET THING.
SO GORGEOUS.
AND SO STRONG.
I NEVER SPEAK TO
STRANGERS IN BARS.
THEN LET'S BECOME FRIENDS.
THAT'S MY KNEE.
THAT'S MY HAND.
THIS IS MY ELBOW.
Janet: HI! HI!
WE DIDN'T EXPECT
TO MEET YOU HERE.
LISTEN, HOW ABOUT IF UNCLE SAM
PICKS UP THE TAB FOR A CHANGE?
- BUY US A DRINK.
- WELL, WILBUR, I...
- OH, JUST THIS ONCE.
- SAILOR.
WHO WILL KNOW?
COME ON. SIT DOWN.
HERE, THIS'LL BE SO MUCH FUN.
(Larry laughs)
ANGEL, DON'T YOU EVER
LEAVE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.
MY WHOLE LIFE PASSED
IN FRONT OF MY EYES.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE SWACKED.
THE ROOM'S SPINNING, LARRY.
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
THE ANSWER TO MY PRAYERS.
COME ON, JUST TRY
AND FOCUS, OKAY?
DOES THE NAME JACK TRIPPER
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
JACK TRIPPER?
- COME ON.
- OF COURSE.
YOU'RE JACK'S SISTER.
I SHOULD'VE NOTICED
THE RESEMBLANCE.
LARRY, YOU CLUCK, IT'S ME, JACK!
IT IS YOU.
DOES THIS MEAN...
ROPER WAS RIGHT?
- JUST KIDDING.
- (purse thumps on table)
(laughs) GOSH, YOU'RE SO CUTE.
HEY, TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT
YOU DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE NOT OFF
CHASING DOWN DANGEROUS CRIMINALS
OR ENEMY AGENTS.
I TRY TO GET AWAY FROM THE
VIOLENT WORLD I'M PART OF.
I PRACTICE KARATE, I HUNT, I
COLLECT GUNS AND SWORDS.
SO YOU SEE, LARRY,
THEY'RE FOLLOWING ME,
MAN, YOU GOTTA HELP ME.
- DID YOU PIERCE YOUR EARS?
- COME ON!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO
YOU WANT ME TO DO?
JUST PRETEND I'M YOUR
DATE, WALK ME OUT THE DOOR
AND TAKE ME BACK
TO YOUR APARTMENT.
- AND THEN WHAT?
- WILL YOU CUT THE CLOWNING?
JUST KIDDING. OKAY, SWEET PEA,
- COME ON, IT'S TIME
TO GO NOW.
- OH, OKAY.
- COME ON, HONEY LAMB. UPSY DAISY.
- HERE I COME.
ALL RIGHT, PAL, HOLD IT. WHAT DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING WITH MY DATE?
- YOUR WHAT?
- IS HE ANNOYING YOU,
DARLING?
- (Jack laughs nervously)
- DARLING?
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU,
LARRY, WALTER'S MY DATE.
OH, I HOPE YOU TWO
WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
- DON'T LEAVE ME.
- CHRISSY, WHAT IS THIS?
I'VE KNOWN YOU
LESS THAN TWO HOURS
AND ALREADY YOU'RE
TWO-TIMING ME WITH THIS QUINK?
- NOW, WALTER...
- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME, FATSO?
LARRY, SIT DOWN.
- A QUINK.
- BOYS, BOYS, BOYS,
BOYS, BOYS!
DO YOU BELIEVE IT?
THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER JACK.
YEAH.
I WISH I KNEW WHAT
PERFUME HE USED.
- WE'D BETTER
CHECK THAT OUT.
- RIGHT.
OH NO, IT'S OKAY.
I'M SURE IT'S...
DON'T EVER CALL
ME A QUINK, OKAY?
- OKAY, YOU'RE A SCHMURD.
- A WHAT?
- A SCHMURD.
- Jack: OOH!
OH, HI. HELLO, IT'S ME AGAIN.
MEN ALWAYS FIGHT OVER ME.
IT'S THE CURSE OF BEING A
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, I GUESS.
AND BRAINS, TOO. IT'S NOT
ALL BEAUTY, NO IT ISN'T BEAUTY.
IT'S... CONE... HA...
HA... HEADACHE.
- YOU DROPPED YOUR HAT, MISS.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- OH!
- I'M CLEAN, GUYS.
HI, I'M JACK TRIPPER.
HOW ARE YOU?
LOOK, LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?
MR. TRIPPER, I DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU'RE DRESSED UP LIKE THAT.
- I WAS HIDING
FROM YOU GUYS.
- WHY?
WE JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A
FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT BEN MILLER.
- QUESTIONS?
- YES.
HE NEEDS A SECURITY
CLEARANCE FOR A GOVERNMENT JOB
AND HE GAVE US YOUR NAME.
THAT'S ALL? REALLY?
YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T WANT ME?
- NO.
- (Jack sighs)
I WANTED YOU.
OH, HOW I WANTED YOU.
MR. NESSLE, I'M CHRISSY.
- HUH?
- THE REAL CHRISSY,
THE ONE YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO GO OUT WITH.
- OH.
- SO, IF YOU WANNA
GO OUT,
WE COULD START
OUR DATE RIGHT NOW.
OH, THANK YOU.
BUT WHEN YOU'VE MET
THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS,
IT SPOILS IT FOR OTHER WOMEN.
EAT YOUR HEART OUT, BLONDIE.
SO, THAT'S ABOUT IT. I HOPE
THAT HELPED YOU GUYS.
BYE? RIGHT, BYE.
- Jack: BYE.
- Chrissy: BYE.
OH, WHAT A RELIEF. I'M
FREE, I'M FREE AT LAST.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. PEOPLE ARE
STARTING TO LOOK AT YOU VERY QUEERLY.
STRANGELY, CHRISSY. STRANGELY.
WE'LL GO AS SOON AS I GET
BACK FROM THE BATHROOM, OKAY?
- OKAY, WILL YOU HURRY?
- YEAH.
WHAT AM I GONNA TELL
MY BOSS TOMORROW?
OH, CHRISSY, JUST
TELL HER THE TRUTH.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
EVEN I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
NO, NO LADIES, IT WAS A MISTAKE!
- OKAY?
- Woman: YOU PERVERT!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEO-TAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.