Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 22 - Triangle Troubles - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- HI, JANET.
- OH HI, CHRISSY.

HOW WAS YOUR LUNCHEON
DATE? DID YOU ENJOY THE MARINA?

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.

TOM SHOWED ME HIS NEW BOAT. HE'S
GONNA TAKE ME SAILING NEXT WEEK.

WOW! WHAT KIND OF
BOAT DOES HE HAVE?

A BLUE ONE.

NO, CHRISSY, COME ON. I
MEAN, WHAT TYPE OF BOAT?



OH I DON'T KNOW. ALL HE
SAID WAS THAT IT SLEEPS TWO.

- JANET, CHRISSY?
- MM-HMM?

- OH WAIT TILL YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED.
- WHAT?

YOU KNOW THAT GIRL IN MY SCHOOL
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET NEXT TO?

YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET NEXT
TO EVERY GIRL IN YOUR SCHOOL.

THIS IS DEBBIE. SHE IS
THE MOST DELICIOUS THING

IN MY ENTIRE COOKING CLASS.

WELL, WHAT COMPETITION HAS
SHE GOT... A PLUCKED CHICKEN?

- (snorts, laughs)
- (mimicking)

OH MY, IT LOOKS LIKE MAYBE
WE HIT A NERVE. (giggles)

- JACK?
- YEAH?

IT SOUND LIKE YOU
KIND OF LIKE THIS GIRL.

- OH YOU BET I DO. AND GUESS WHAT!
- Janet: WHAT?

SHE'S COMING OVER HERE. WE'RE
GONNA PUT OUR LASAGNAS TOGETHER.

(chuckles) THAT SOUND LIKE FUN.

CHRISSY, IT'S A CLASS PROJECT.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE A LASAGNA.

WE'RE MAKING THE SAUCE OVER
HERE AND THE PASTA AT DEBBIE'S PLACE.

OH WHY DON'T YOU MAKE
EVERYTHING OVER HERE?

BECAUSE THAT WAY, I'D NEVER
GET INTO DEBBIE'S APARTMENT.

- OH I SEE.
- SHE HAPPENS TO BE
A GREAT COOK, JANET.

- Janet: MM-HMM.
- NO ONE CAN TOUCH
HER PASTA.

- I'M SURE YOU'LL TRY.
- (both laugh)

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG. THIS
DEBBIE... SHE'S DIFFERENT.

SHE'S PURE, WHOLESOME,
AND VIRTUOUS.

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO GIRLS LIKE THAT?

THEY ALL WENT OUT
WITH GUYS LIKE YOU.

THAT'S CUTE, JANET.
THAT'S REAL CUTE.

HEY, JACK, WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE JUST KIDDING YOU, OKAY?

DO YOU KNOW THAT EVERY
GUY IN SCHOOL HAS TRIED,

- BUT THEY'VE ONLY GOTTEN
AS FAR AS THE FRONT DOOR.
- YEAH?

- I AM THE FIRST ONE
SHE'S EVER INVITED INSIDE.
- Janet: OOH.

I GOTTA GET THIS PLACE READY.

DEBBIE'S GONNA BE HERE
IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.

- OKAY. YEAH.
- I CAN'T WAIT
TO MEET HER.

ARE YOU KIDDING? NO WAY!
YOU TWO HAVE GOT TO BE GONE

- WHEN SHE GETS HERE.
- WHY?

JANET, WEREN'T YOU LISTENING
TO WHAT I SAID IN THERE?

DEBBIE WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND
THE THREE OF US LIVING TOGETHER.

SHE'S AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL.

NO, JACK, COME ON.

THE LAST TIME YOU WENT OUT
WITH AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL,

WE HAD TO STAY AT THE REGAL
BEAGLE TILL YOU MODERNIZED HER.

THIS IS DIFFERENT.
THIS IS REA...

- (doorbell rings)
- OKAY, LOOK,

- I'M SO HAPPY YOU'VE
UNDERSTOOD ME.
- WHAT? NO!

IF SHE SEES YOU HERE, THERE
GOES EVERYTHING. YOU'VE GOT TO GO.

JACK, COME ON!

- HI, JACK!
- DEBBIE!

IT'S DEBBIE. YOU
GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

- COME ON, JANET,
LET'S GO.
- NO!

- WHAT'S GOING ON!
- IN THE BEDROOM. GET IN THERE!

I'LL KEEP HER IN THE KITCHEN WHILE
YOU TWO SNEAK OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

WE HAVE TO BE ALLOWED
TO COME BACK HERE.

WE HAVE DATES TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, I PROMISE.
I'LL BE OUT IN AN HOUR.

- ONE HOUR? 60 MINUTES, JACK.
- ONE HOUR.

- 60 MINUTES!
- JUST GET...

HI, DEBBIE. ENTER.

I JUST WANTED TO TIDY UP
THE PLACE BEFORE YOU CAME IN.

IT'S MY FAULT. I'M EARLY. THERE
WAS HARDLY ANY TRAFFIC OUT THERE.

- WELL, THERE WAS
PLENTY IN HERE.
- GEE, WHAT A CUTE PLACE!

- IS THIS THE BEDROOM?
- YEAH... NO DEBBIE, YEAH!

BUT YOU DON'T WANT
TO SEE THAT RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT NOW, WE'RE GOING
INTO THE KITCHEN! HERE WE GO!

- WILL I GET TO SEE
THE BEDROOM LATER?
- I'M COUNTING ON IT.

THE REFRIGERATOR. WE HAVE A
SINK OVER HERE. HERE'S OUR STOVE.

- IT'S A KITCHEN, ALL RIGHT.
- AND RIGHT HERE'S THE POT
WE'LL COOK THE SAUCE IN.

- OW!
- OH!

I'M SORRY. LET ME KISS
IT AND MAKE IT BETTER.

MM. THERE. DOES
THAT FEEL BETTER?

IT WORKED. THE PAIN IS GONE!

YOUR KISS ACTUALLY CURED IT.

FEEL FREE TO HURT
ANY PART OF YOU.

COME ON, CHRISSY, WE HAVE
TO GET OUT OF HERE! COME ON!

(gasps)

- REVEREND SNOW.
- DADDY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

- I THOUGHT I'D SURPRISE YOU.
- WE'RE SURPRISED ALL RIGHT.

- HOW ARE YOU BOTH?
- WE'RE JUST FINE, THANK YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I WAS INVITED TO DELIVER A
SERMON AT THE METHODIST CHURCH.

- Both: SHH!
- WHAT'S WRONG? SOMEONE
DOESN'T LIKE METHODISTS?

NO, SIR, IT'S JACK.

HE'S DOING A PROJECT
WITH THIS GIRL.

YEAH, THERE IN THE
KITCHEN RIGHT NOW MAKING IT.

CHRISSY?

WELL, THE TOMATOES ARE
PEELED. WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?

WELL, NOTHING TILL
THE WATER BOILS.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE A TOMATO
BREAK IN THE OTHER ROOM?

- YOU SEE, DADDY?
- YES, I UNDERSTAND
PERFECTLY NOW.

SO LET'S GO DOWN TO THE REGAL
BEAGLE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, OKAY?

GOOD IDEA.

- AFTER YOU, LADIES.
- THANK YOU.

- I FIGURE IT WILL BE
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.
- WHO'S THAT?

REVEREND SNOW.

- HELLO, JACK.
- HELLO.

- HELLO, YOUNG LADY.
- OH UH, REVEREND...

YOU MUST BE HERE
ABOUT THE CHOIR PRACTICE.

- CHOIR PRACTICE?
- YEAH, I SING BASS.

♪ BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM... ♪

- THE GIRLS ALREADY
EXPLAINED TO ME.
- THE GIRLS. THE GIRLS.

THE GIRLS... THEY
NEED SOPRANOS TOO.

♪ SHE BOP SHE BOP BOP
BOP DA DEE BOP AH OH AH ♪

- JACK, AREN'T YOU
GOING TO INTRODUCE ME?
- HMM? OH SURE.

REVEREND SNOW, THIS IS
DEBBIE... THE OTHER WAY...

- IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.
- IT'S MY PLEASURE.

- I'M SORRY YOU HAVE
TO LEAVE, REVEREND.
- LEAVE?

- YEAH.
- OH YES.

LISTEN, I PROMISE
YOU BY NEXT SUNDAY

I'LL HAVE "BRINGING IN THE
SHEAVES" DOWN PERFECTLY.

- WAS THAT
SUITCASE HERE BEFORE?
- HUH? WHAT SUITCASE?

OH UH... THIS SUITCASE. OH YEAH.

UH RIGHT. EXCUSE
ME FOR ONE SECOND.

UH REVEREND, HERE ARE THE
OLD CLOTHES I PROMISED YOU.

(silent)

BE SURE THEY GO TO
SOME NEEDY FAMILY.

JACK, THIS IS VERY
CHARITABLE OF YOU.

WELL, AS I ALWAYS SAY, YOU'VE
GOTTA SPREAD IT AROUND.

AND YOU CERTAINLY
KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

OH AND THE BEST OF
LUCK WITH YOUR LASAGNA.

THANK YOU, REVEREND. BYE-BYE.

HOW DID HE KNOW
ABOUT THE LASAGNA?

DID UH... OH... WELL, UH...

HE HAS HIS SOURCES.

WELL, IT CERTAINLY WAS NICE OF YOU
YOUNG LADIES TO TREAT ME TO LUNCH.

OH THAT'S OKAY. IT COMES
OUT OF OUR PETTY CASH FUND.

- PETTY CASH FUND?
- YEAH, OUR WEEKLY PAYCHECKS.

Debbie: JACK, I GOTTA GO
HOME AND START THE PASTA.

SHE'S STILL HERE.

DEBBIE, WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

LISTEN, WHY DON'T WE JUST...

WHY DON'T WE JUST
SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH

AND RELAX A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?

- MAYBE JUST FOR MINUTE.
- WE NEED TO.

- WE'VE BEEN WORKING
HARD. COME ON.
- JACK?

- YEAH.
- HOW COME YOU LIVE ALL ALONE
IN A BIG PLACE LIKE THIS?

WELL, BECAUSE I
LIKE IT THIS WAY.

WHEN YOU LIVE WITH SOMEBODY
ELSE, THEY JUST BECOME NUISANCES.

AND SO... THIS WAY,
WE CAN BE ALONE.

JUST THE TWO OF
US, JACK AND DEBBIE.

SORT OF LIKE "WOMEO" AND JULIET.

JACK, SHOULDN'T WE BE COOKING?

THAT'S WHAT I SAY.

DEBBIE...

YOUR HANDS ARE SO SOFT.

THANK YOU, JACK. THAT'S
VERY SWEET OF YOU.

(groans)

(yelps)

I JUST REMEMBERED
SOMETHING, DEBBIE.

WE FORGOT TO PUT
GARLIC IN OUR SAUCE.

- JACK, WE DID PUT
GARLIC IN THE SAUCE.
- WE DID?

- YEAH.
- OH SILLY ME! I'M UNDER PRESSURE.

OKAY, DEBBIE, DO THIS
FOR ME, WOULD YOU?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO HOME. YOU HAVE
TO START COOKING THE PASTA RIGHT NOW.

- JACK, ARE YOU TRYING
TO GET RID OF ME?
- ME?

OH NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? NO, IT'S JUST
THAT IF YOU START COOKING... EXCUSE ME...

IF YOU START COOKING
THE PASTA RIGHT NOW,

BY THE TIME I GET THERE, IT'LL BE
NICE AND CHRISSY... UH, CRISPY, OKAY.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, DEBBIE.
BYE-BYE. DON'T BE A STRANGER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

US? WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU TOLD US SHE'D
BE OUT IN AN HOUR.

CAN I HELP IT IF DEBBIE
DOESN'T WORK FAST?

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY DO.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS, DADDY.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M USED TO KNEELING.

THIS IS A REAL NICE
THING TO DO TO A GUY...

HIDE BEHIND A COUCH
WHEN HE'S WITH A GIRL.

YOU KNOW HOW ROOMMATES
ARE, THEY'RE SUCH BIG NUISANCES.

GIRLS, I THINK JACK BEHAVED
LIKE A PERFECT GENTLEMAN.

IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE A
YOUNG MAN WHO'S HAPPY

JUST TO HOLD A YOUNG
LADY'S HAND ON THE FIRST DATE.

THANK YOU, REVEREND.

EVEN IF IT WAS MY HAND.

CHRISSY, I ONLY HOPE THAT YOU'RE
GOING OUT WITH YOUNG MEN LIKE JACK.

I SURE AM.

THE GUYS I GO OUT WITH, I
ALWAYS HAVE TO HOLD THEIR HANDS.

DEBBIE? HEY, DEB,
WHERE'S MY SOCKS?

YEAH, I CAN'T FIND MY SHIRT.

WILL YOU HURRY UP
AND GET OUT OF HERE?

JACK'S GONNA BE HERE ANY MINUTE!

DEB, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TELL THE GUY THE TRUTH?

- TELL HIM THAT THE THREE OF US
ARE LIVING TOGETHER.
- YEAH.

ARE YOU KIDDING? HE'S
THE LAST ONE I'D TELL.

HE'S VERY OLD-FASHIONED,
EVEN SINGS IN A CHURCH CHOIR.

WHAT I CAN TELL YOU? YOU DON'T
FIND MANY GUYS LIKE THAT STILL AROUND.

- NO.
- I'LL SAY.

(doorbell rings)

HE'S PURE, HE'S CLEAN LIVING...

AND HE'S EARLY!

Jack: DEBBIE? DEBBIE, COME ON.

JUST A MINUTE, JACK. I DON'T WANT
YOU TO SEE ME WITHOUT MY MAKEUP.

QUICK. GO IN THE BEDROOM!
HE CAN'T FIND YOU HERE!

ALL RIGHT.

HURRY UP, DEBBIE.
THIS POT IS HEAVY.

- DE...
- HI, JACK!

OH HI. GEE, I'M GLAD
YOU MADE ME WAIT.

- YOU LOOK PRETTIER.
- THANK YOU.

- DEBBIE? I CAN'T HOLD
THIS POT MUCH LONGER.
- YEAH?

- OH!
- I'LL PUT IT
IN THE KITCHEN.

NO, NO, NO, IT'S
THIS WAY... YES.

- (grunts)
- SORRY.

JUST PUT IT ON THE STOVE
THERE NEXT TO THE PASTA.

AH, IT FEELS GOOD TO
SET THIS THING DOWN.

- (groaning) MY FINGERS.
- WHAT'S WRONG?

I CAN'T STRAIGHTEN THEM OUT.

IT'S FROM CARRYING THAT POT.

HERE LET ME MASSAGE
THEM FOR YOU.

OH YEAH, THAT FEELS SO GOOD...

JUST KEEP DOING THAT, DEBBIE.
JUST A LITTLE HIGHER, THOUGH.

OH YEAH, JUST A LITTLE HIGHER.

A LITTLE HIGHER...

HOW FAR DID YOU
WANT ME GO TO GO?

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU GET THERE.

- COOK, JACK, COOK!
- OKAY.

OH YOU GOT A NICE
KITCHEN IN HERE.

THIS IS...

- WHOSE SHIRT IS THIS?
- WHOSE SHIRT?! UH...

OH THAT'S JUST AN OLD
SHIRT MY BROTHER GAVE ME.

- I UH... I USE IT
FOR AN APRON.
- OH.

AND EXCUSE ME, BUT
WHAT ABOUT THESE SOCKS?

OH YES, THOSE ARE
MY BROTHER'S TOO.

I-I USE THEM AS POTHOLDERS.

WELL, WHERE DOES YOUR
BROTHER BUY HIS CLOTHES?

- IN THE HOUSE WARE'S
DEPARTMENT?
- COME ON, JACK.

WE REALLY HAVE TO
FINISH THIS LASAGNA.

- OH DEBBIE, THIS PASTA
LOOKS SO NICE.
- THANK YOU.

- DEBBIE,
DEBBIE... MY HAND.
- I'M SORRY.

- I'M SOR...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT. THE POT'S HEAVY.

- LET ME DO THAT.
- SURE.

- NO, IT'S NOT HOT. IT'S JUST HEAVY.
- OH.

THIS PASTA'S SO NEAT. YOU KNOW
WHAT WE SHOULD HAVE DONE?

WE SHOULD HAVE MADE TWO. THAT
WAY WE COULD KEEP ONE FOR OURSELVES

AND TURN THE OTHER
ONE IN FOR OUR CLASS...

WHAT ARE YOU WAVING AT?

WHAT? OH... THERE'S
A FLY IN HERE.

- WHERE? I DON'T SEE IT.
- WAIT, WAIT.

(stammers) YES,
HE IS RIGHT THERE.

- DEAD.
- THAT'S A GREAT SHOT,
DEBBIE.

DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE
A MARK OR ANYTHING.

THIS APRON'S READY
FOR THE LAUNDRY.

I'LL JUST TOSS IT
IN THE NEXT ROOM.

HANG ON. AS LONG AS
YOU'RE GONNA WASH IT...

THE MORE I WIPE, THE
MORE IT GETS ON MY HAND.

HERE YOU GO. THANKS, DEB.

YEAH, THAT'LL DO.

DEBBIE, NOW IF THIS
DOESN'T GIVE US AN "A,"

I'M GONNA CARRY YOUR
PIES HOME FOR A WEEK.

- (thump)
- WHAT WAS THAT?

- WHAT WAS WHAT?
- THAT NOISE.

DID IT SOUND LIKE THIS?

- YEAH.
- THAT'S JUST MRS. WILSON'S
REFRIGERATOR UPSTAIRS.

OH...

WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE OURSELVES COMFORTABLE.

WE'VE GOT A COUPLE
OF HOURS WHILE IT BAKES.

UH-HUH. SO WHAT DO WE
DO FOR TWO HOURS, DEBBIE?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,

"THERE'S NOTHIN' LIKE LOVIN'
WHEN SOMETHING'S IN THE OVEN."

(both chuckle)

- (groans) EXCUSE ME.
- WHAT'S WRONG?

THIS IS A MAN'S SHOE.

YEAH, THAT'S ALSO MY BROTHER'S.

I USE IT AS A NUTCRACKER.

- NUT?
- YES... JUST ONE.

Both: DO YOU MIND?

COME ON, WE HAVE TO
GET THE PLACE CLEANED UP

BEFORE OUR DATES GET HERE.

IT WOULD HELP IF YOU COULD
DO SOME OF THE VACUUMING.

OH COME ON, CHRISSY. I'M
ENTITLED TO A LITTLE REST.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ALL
DAY OVER A HOT DISH.

YEAH, DEBBIE.

WHAT'S THE HURRY? THEY'RE ONLY
GONNA TAKE YOU ROLLER-SKATING.

YES, JACK, BUT WE DON'T
WANT TO KEEP THEM WAITING.

WHEN YOU TAKE A GIRL
OUT AND YOU GO TO GET HER,

DON'T YOU LIKE IT IF SHE'S
DRESSED AND READY?

NO, JUST READY. (laughs)

GOOD, I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALL HERE.

I'M WRITING THIS SERMON
FOR TOMORROW'S SERVICE.

WOULD YOU ALL CARE TO HEAR IT?

- (overlapping chatter)
- GOOD.

"SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME,

MAN HAS CONTEMPLATED THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL.

IS THERE A TRULY
GOOD MAN AMONG US?

IS THERE A TRULY
EVIL MAN AMONG US

OR DO THESE CONCEPTS ONLY
EXISTS BECAUSE WE ARE MEN?"

EXCUSE ME, I'M REAL SORRY,
BUT I JUST REMEMBERED

I HAVE TO BAKE A CAKE.

RIGHT NOW?

REVEREND, IT'S AN
ANGEL FOOD CAKE.

WELL, YOU GIRLS
CAN STILL LISTEN.

DADDY, WE HAVE TO CLEAN UP
THE PLACE. OUR DATES ARE COMING.

YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. I CAN
TALK WHILE YOU'RE WORKING.

NOW WHERE WAS I?

I'LL JUST START ALL OVER AGAIN.

"SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME,

MAN HAS CONTEMPLATED THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL.

- IS THERE A TRULY...
- (vacuum whirring)

- (vacuum turns off)
- OF PATIENCE, TOLERANCE,
AND UNDERSTANDING!"

- DADDY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- I'M FINE!

I MEAN I'M FINE.

I THINK I'LL REHEARSE IN THE
BEDROOM AND SAVE MY VOICE.

(doorbell rings)

I GUESS THIS SUNDAY'S CONGREGATION
MUST BE HARD OF HEARING.

HI.

I'M AFRAID I MUST HAVE
THE WRONG APARTMENT.

I'M LOOKING FOR JACK TRIPPER.

OH COME ON IN.

- HI.
- JACK LIVES HERE. WHO ARE YOU?

- I'M DEBBIE.
- DEBBIE?

THAT'S RIGHT. WHO ARE YOU?

WHO AM I? I'M JANET.

AHEM, JACK'S MAID.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

CHRISSY... HER MAID.

- HUH?
- (Janet giggling)

SHE... WHAT SHE
MEANS TO SAY IS...

THAT SHE'S THE
ASSISTANT MAID HERE.

- JACK HAS TWO MAIDS?
- HE'S VERY DIRTY.

Jack: JANET?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY
VANILLA EXTRA... (squeals)

- JACK?
- (loud clanging)

OH DEBBIE, HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, THE LASAGNA
TURNED OUT SO GOOD,

I THOUGHT I'D BRING
SOME BY AND SURPRISE YOU

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M THE
ONE WHO GOT SURPRISED.

OH WELL, YOU MEAN... UH...

CHRISSY AND... JANET HERE.

- I CAN EXPLAIN.
- YOU DON'T HAVE TO, SIR.

CHRISSY AND I HAVE
ALREADY EXPLAINED

THAT WE'RE YOUR
MAIDS, MR. TRIPPER.

THEY'RE MY MAIDS.

- MAIDS... WONDERFUL
WORKERS THEY ARE.
- THANK YOU.

OH JANET, LOOK AT THIS. YOU'VE
MISSED A SPOT RIGHT HERE.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR.
- IT'S SO HARD TO GET
GOOD HELP NOWADAYS.

- (doorbell rings)
- OH CHRISSY. DOORBELL.

YOU'VE GOT TWO HANDS. ANSWER IT.

I LOVE IT WHEN
THEY'RE INDEPENDENT.

HI, WE'RE HERE TO PICK
UP JANET AND CHRISSY.

(gasps) DOUG, PHIL!

OH THERE YOU ARE. I DIDN'T
KNOW YOU WERE HAVING COMPANY.

- YOU READY TO GO SKATING?
- SKATING?

OH JACK, IT'S NICE OF YOU

TO LET YOUR MAIDS GET
PICKED UP AT THE HOUSE.

WELL, IT'S THE LEAST
I CAN DO, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, THE BENCH AT
THE BUS-STOP IS SO SMALL.

MAIDS? JANET, YOU TOLD ME
YOU WORKED IN A FLOWER SHOP.

OH YES, I DO WORK
IN A FLOWER SHOP.

I JUST USE THIS
JOB TO GET THE DIRT.

NOW JUST A MINUTE. CHRISSY, YOU
NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE A MAID.

HOW COULD I? I JUST FOUND
OUT ABOUT IT A MINUTE AGO.

SHE KILLS ME.
LISTEN, MAID JANET,

WHY DON'T YOU AND THE OTHER
ONE TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF?

OH THANK YOU, BOSS TRIPPER.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- AREN'T YOU GOING
TO GIVE US BUS FARE?

(laughs) SHE KILLS ME TOO.

OH HELLO.

YOU MUST BE JANET AND CHRISSY'S
DATES. I'M REVEREND SNOW.

A REVEREND? JANET, I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND

BUT I JUST WANTED
TO GO ROLLER-SKATING.

OH NO, IT'S OKAY.

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THIS IS MY FATHER.

THE REVEREND'S
DAUGHTER IS YOUR MAID.

SEE, I'M AN EQUAL
OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.

- MAID?
- JANET'S THE MAID. I'M JUST HER ASSISTANT.

YOU GOTTA BE IN THE SYSTEM
BEFORE YOU CAN BE THE REAL MAID.

YOU HAVE TO WORK YOUR WAY.
YOU JUST CAN'T START AT THE...

LISTEN, I WAS
TELLING DEBBIE HERE...

HELP US OUT, REV. DON'T
BLOW THE WHISTLE ON ME, OKAY?

JACK, DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME
YOU TOLD DEBBIE THE TRUTH?

I'M SURE SHE'S THE KIND OF GIRL
WHO WOULD UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH.

OKAY, DEBBIE,

I SHOULD HAVE TOLD
YOU THIS BEFORE,

BUT THOSE TWO POOR
UNFORTUNATE GIRLS

WORKED FOR MY UNCLE IN HIS
MANSION BEFORE THE BIG FIRE.

THEN I HAD TO ASSUME THE
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE FAMILY

- AND GIVE THEM A ROOM...
- EXCUSE ME.

REVEREND, HOW LONG BEFORE
LIGHTENING STRIKES HIM?

SOON.

OKAY, DEBBIE, THIS IS THE TRUTH.

NO KIDDING AROUND,
ALL RIGHT? HERE IT GOES.

CHRISSY AND JANET
ARE BOTH ORPHANS.

THEY'RE HALF-SISTERS AND THEY
DIDN'T KNOW WHO THEIR MOTHER WAS...

- SOON, JACK!
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT!

- THEY'RE MY ROOMMATES!
- YOUR ROOMMATES?

YOUR ROOMMATES?

IT'S PURELY PLATONIC.
YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

I BELIEVE YOU.

- WELL, I DON'T.
- NEITHER DO I.

JANET, YOU NEVER TOLD US
THAT YOU LIVE WITH THIS GUY.

WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT. THERE'S
NOTHING GOING ON HERE.

- SURE, SURE!
- IT'S TRUE! WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

THAT'S IT. NOTHING ELSE.

- OH YEAH.
- OH YEAH. EXCUSE ME. JANET,

- WHAT?
- COME OVER HERE.

- CHRISSY... PARDON US. LOOK.
- WHAT?

AS YOUR FRIEND, I JUST WANT TO TELL
YOU YOU'RE WASTING YOUR BREATH.

IF THESE GUYS AREN'T
MATURE ENOUGH TO THINK

THAT MEN AND WOMEN CAN LIVE
TOGETHER WITHOUT GETTING IT ON

THEN THEY'RE NOT
WORTH YOUR TIME.

JACK, I'M SO GLAD
YOU THINK LIKE THAT!

- YOU ARE?
- YEAH, 'CAUSE I LIVE
WITH TWO MEN.

YOU WHAT?!

JACK, IT'S PERFECTLY INNOCENT!

OH DON'T KID ME.

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR MEN
AND WOMEN TO LIVE TOGETHER

WITHOUT YOU KNOW,
I MEAN, WITHOUT...

OH REALLY, JACK?

WELL, I MEAN, EXCEPT OF
COURSE BETWEEN US THREE.

- REALLY, JACK?
- AND OF COURSE
BETWEEN YOU THREE.

REVEREND, DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?

- OF COURSE, I DO.
- YOU DO?

I ALSO BELIEVE IN THE
PARTING OF THE RED SEA.

(all laugh)

DEBBIE, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER
NOW THAT I'VE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH.

OH ME TOO, JACK.

I ALWAYS THINK IT'S BETTER
TO START A RELATIONSHIP

WITH EVERYTHING OUT IN THE
OPEN WHERE YOU CAN SEE IT.

ME TOO, DEBBIE. ME TOO.

JACK? REVEREND?

OH YEAH, REVEREND. EXCUSE ME.

REVEREND, AHEM, ISN'T THERE
SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO DO?

- TO DO?
- Jack: UH-HUH, YEAH.

TO DO? OH OF COURSE.

JACK, YOU'RE SO THOUGHTFUL.

I KNEW YOU'D WANT TO LISTEN.

(silent)

"SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME,

MAN HAS CONTEMPLATED THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL.

IS THERE A TRULY
GOOD MAN AMONG US?

- IS THERE A TRULY..."
- (vacuum whirring)

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.