Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 15 - Larry Loves Janet - full transcript
Larry thinks he is in love with Janet after she consoles him when he is rejected by a girl.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
HURRY UP, CHRISSY, WE'RE
GONNA BE LATE FOR THE CONCERT.
- CAN'T YOU DRESS ANY FASTER?
- Chrissy: I DRESS VERY FAST.
- WHAT'S HOLDING YOU UP?
- IT'S THE WEATHER.
THE WEATHER?
WHETHER TO WEAR THE
BLUE SWEATER OR WHETHER...
CHRISSY, WE'RE GOING
TO A ROCK CONCERT,
NOT A FASHION SHOW.
THE ONLY THING THOSE PEOPLE
CARE ABOUT IS THE MUSIC.
NO ONE IS GOING TO
NOTICE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
ON THE OTHER
HAND, I'M TONE DEAF!
IT'S A FUNNY THING
ABOUT THESE BINOCULARS,
SOME PARTS OF YOUR SWEATER
SEEM CLOSER TO ME THAN OTHER PARTS.
- JACK, COME ON.
- LET'S GO, COME ON.
- OH!
- OH HI, GUYS.
- HI, HI...
- Jack: JANET, COME ON.
- OH BOY...
- JANET, DON'T SIT DOWN!
- (screams)
- A FRIEND AT SCHOOL GAVE ME
THREE FREE TICKETS
- TO A ROCK CONCERT TONIGHT.
- OH NO, JACK.
AFTER EIGHT HOURS ON MY
FEET AT THE FLOWER SHOP,
I JUST WANNA SIT
DOWN AND TAKE ROOT.
- NO, NO, NO...
- JANET, NO!
NO, YOU DON'T WANNA
MISS THIS GROUP!
THE DIRTY DOZEN,
THEY'RE REALLY DIFFERENT.
CHRISSY, WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT
ABOUT THE DIRTY DOZEN?
THERE ARE ONLY NINE OF THEM.
- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT!
(yelps)
YOU GET THE DOOR,
I'LL GET MY SWEATER.
- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
STAYING HOME TONIGHT.
- THANK YOU, I'LL STAY HOME.
LARRY, ARE YOU IN LUCK.
I GOT AN EXTRA TICKET TO THE
DIRTY DOZEN CONCERT TONIGHT.
- YOU WANNA GO?
- LIFE IS SO CRUEL.
A SIMPLE YES OR NO WOULD DO.
JACK, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
I'LL STOP BY
TOMORROW. I GOTTA RUN.
- TOMORROW MIGHT BE TOO LATE!
- CHRISSY, LET'S GO!
- BYE!
- JACK!
- BYE, JANET!
- BYE, GUYS. HAVE A GOOD TIME!
(sighs deeply)
(groans)
(groans)
OKAY, LARRY. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, YOU SEE, I WAS... I MEAN,
I HAVE THIS FRIEND.
- OKAY, YOU HAVE A FRIEND.
- YEAH, A GOOD FRIEND,
AND HE HAD A DATE
WITH A GORGEOUS GIRL.
I MEAN, ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO 10
SHE WAS A 15.
THE NEEDLE WENT AROUND TWICE.
OKAY, YOUR FRIEND
WAS OUT WITH A GIRL...
- GORGEOUS GIRL.
- GORGEOUS, EXCUSE ME.
RIGHT, WELL, THEY WERE
HAVING THIS ROMANTIC DINNER.
FROM WHERE THEY SAT,
THEY COULD SEE THE MOON
BEAMING THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD.
THEN AFTER DINNER,
AFTER DINNER, HE GOT RID OF THE
EMPTY BUCKET AND THE CHICKEN BONES,
HE PULLED HER CLOSE TO HIM,
AND THEN HE STARTED WHISPERING
THOSE SWEET, SWEET NOTHINGS IN HER EAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
- I CAN GUESS.
- NO.
NO, YOU CAN'T. SHE
FELL ASLEEP ON HIM!
- NO.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T
BELIEVE IT EITHER, HUH?
WHEN SHE WOKE UP, SHE
TOLD THIS WONDERFUL,
HANDSOME, INCREDIBLE
HUNK OF A MAN
THAT SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT
FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE HE WAS SO...
SO... BORING.
WELL, LARRY, MAYBE
YOUR FRIEND IS BORING.
- A LOT OF HANDSOME GUYS ARE.
- I AM NOT!
YOU'RE NOT? YOU'RE
THIS INCREDIBLE HUNK?
THIS MAN WHO IS
HANDSOME AND WONDERFUL?
- AND BORING. YOU FORGOT BORING.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
I MEAN... NO, LARRY,
YOU'RE NOT BORING.
- OH YES, I AM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
- (sighs)
- LARRY.
- HEY.
- MM-HMM.
COME ON, LARRY. THAT'S
JUST ONE GIRL'S OPINION.
COME ON, I BET YOU GOT
HUNDREDS OF OTHER GIRLFRIENDS.
HAD. THOSE DAYS ARE OVER NOW.
I'D BE AFRAID TO GO OUT ON A
DATE AND HAVE IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
- I'M WASHED UP!
- OH COME ON.
MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO
BAD WITHOUT WOMEN.
I COULD ALWAYS TAKE UP READING.
WHERE DO YOU GO TO BUY BOOKS?
LARRY, SNAP OUT OF IT.
YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER A GIRL.
SHE SAID I WAS DUMB, TOO.
AWW...
WELL, LARRY, WHAT DO YOU
CARE WHAT THAT GIRL SAYS?
I MEAN, I'VE KNOWN YOU
FOR A REAL LONG TIME,
AND I THINK THAT YOU'RE...
I THINK THAT YOU'RE A
VERY SPECIAL PERSON.
- SPECIAL?
- UH-HUH.
- REALLY?
- SURE.
NO GIRL EVER SAID
THAT TO ME BEFORE.
WELL, SEE? NOW
THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'RE JUST GOING OUT
WITH THE WRONG KIND OF GIRL.
YEAH, YOU NEED SOMEBODY WHO'S...
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY WHO'S
A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING.
SOMEONE WHO'S
REAL DOWN-TO-EARTH.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
- YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, WHERE COULD I
EVER FIND A GIRL LIKE THAT?
OH LARRY, SHE'S PROBABLY
RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE.
- JANET.
- HMM?
JANET, THE THINGS
THAT YOU HAVE SAID!
YOU HAVE MADE ME
FEEL SO WONDERFUL.
OH, I'M GLAD, LARRY. BUT
GO HOME AND CHEER UP.
- YEAH, YEAH, OKAY.
- OKAY.
JANET?
- YES, LARRY?
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I HOPE SO.
(humming)
YUCK!
- UGH.
- (knocking)
IT'S OPEN.
HEY, LARRY, I'M SORRY I
RUSHED OUT ON YOU YESTERDAY...
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- (chuckles)
JUST TAKING DOWN A FEW PICTURES.
GEE, YOUR WALLS LOOK
SO NAKED WITHOUT THEM.
COME TO THINK OF IT, THEY
LOOK NAKED WITH THEM.
(both laugh)
YUP, WELL, I WON'T BE
NEEDING THESE ANYMORE. TA-DA!
ARE YOU FEELING ALL
RIGHT? YOU GOT A FEVER?
- (laughing)
- ARE YOU SICK? DO THIS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- JACK, JACK,
- I HAVE FINALLY MET
THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS.
- AGAIN?
- I AM SERIOUS.
- OH, OKAY.
- I AM IN LOVE!
- FINE. WHO IS IT
THIS TIME, LARRY?
- WELL, SHE LIVES IN
THIS BUILDING, - MM-HMM.
AND I NEVER REALLY
NOTICED HER BEFORE.
CUTE FACE, BIG BROWN
EYES, SHORT DARK HAIR,
SENSITIVE, SMART, WITTY...
- (laughs)
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING, IT JUST SOUNDED LIKE
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT JANET.
I AM TALKING ABOUT JANET.
MY JANET?!
NO, MY JANET.
I LOVE HER!
YOU LOVE JANET?!
AND JANET LOVES ME.
- YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON,
AREN'T YOU?
- UH-UH.
WELL, JANET'S NOT
YOUR TYPE OF GIRL.
SHE IS NOW.
- WHAT DID YOU
DO TO HER?!
- HEY.
COME ON, TAKE IT
EASY, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S STILL THE SAME. I'M
THE ONE WHO'S CHANGED.
DON'T YOU SEE? I AM FED UP WITH THOSE
AGGRESSIVE WOMEN ALWAYS COMING ON STRONG.
YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALWAYS CALLING YOU UP,
"HI, BABY, I'M COMIN' OVER.
WARM UP THE WATERBED."
UGH, AREN'T YOU TIRED OF THAT?
WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEVER
GET CALLS LIKE THAT.
THEN THEY CLIMB ALL OVER YOU.
I AM TELLING YOU, JACK, I
AM NOT A LOVE MACHINE.
JANET, AH,
JANET IS THE KIND OF
OLD-FASHIONED SENSITIVE GIRL
I HAVE BEEN MISSING ALL MY LIFE.
NAH, I KNOW YOU, LARRY.
THIS IS JUST AN INFATUATION.
I GIVE IT A WEEK, TWO
WEEKS MAX, THEN IT'S OVER.
- OH YEAH?
- YEAH.
OH YEAH? WELL, MAYBE
THIS WILL CONVINCE YOU.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
IT'S YOURS. GO
ON, GO ON TAKE IT.
GEE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE BIGGER.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S JUST A TO F.
THE OTHER VOLUMES
ARE AT MY OFFICE
ALONG WITH THE APPENDIX
AND THE MONTHLY SUPPLEMENTS.
WHAT DO THESE STARS
MEAN NEXT TO GIRLS' NAMES?
OH THAT'S JUST MY
LITTLE RATING SYSTEM.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU LOVE JANET.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW
SHE LOVES YOU?
- (chuckling)
- I HAVE MY WAYS.
- WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?
HEY! IT WAS A KISS, JUST A KISS.
- YOU KISSED JANET?
- NO, SHE KISSED ME.
SHE KISSED...
YOU TELL JANET I'LL BE
DOWN IN A LITTLE WHILE.
- OKAY, BUDDY?
- OKAY.
YOU KNOW, SHE MEANS MORE TO ME
THAN ALL THE FIVE-STAR
GIRLS IN THAT BOOK.
YOU GOT GIRLS WITH
FIVE STARS IN HERE?
OH YEAH, BUT I WOULDN'T
TRY ANY OF THEM
UNLESS YOU GOT A COMPLETE
PHYSICAL CHECK-UP FIRST.
ME? HE LOVES ME?
YEAH, AND HE SAYS YOU LOVE HIM.
OH, WHERE'D HE GET A
STUPID IDEA LIKE THAT?
FROM WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN YOU LAST NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED LAST
NIGHT? WHAT?! WHAT?!
NOTHING, CHRISSY!
LOOK, LARRY WAS
REAL DOWN ON HIMSELF.
SO I JUST TRIED TO
MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
LOOKS LIKE YOU DID.
ALL I DID WAS TELL HIM
THAT HE WAS SPECIAL,
AND APPEALING AND SWEET.
YOU KNOW, I LIED A LITTLE.
- AND YOU KISSED HIM.
- I DID NOT.
- LARRY SAYS YOU KISSED HIM.
- I DID NOT KISS LARRY!
COME ON, JACK! OH, RIGHT, YEAH,
I BLEW HIM ONE LITTLE KISS
FROM CLEAR ACROSS THE ROOM.
YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR OWN STRENGTH.
YOU MUST HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD HIM.
HE GAVE ME HIS
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
- SO, HE GAVE YOU
HIS LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
- WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
DEBBIE CAVANAUGH IS A FIVE-STAR.
GIVE ME THAT!
WHAT DO THE STARS MEAN?
UH, PERFECT ATTENDANCE.
SHE WAS PRESENT AT EVERY DATE.
I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF IT.
I MEAN, THE WHOLE IDEA
IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- YOU TELL THAT TO LARRY.
- (doorbell rings)
I WILL, NEXT TIME I SEE HIM.
ONE RED ROSE.
ONE BECAUSE OF YOUR SPECIALNESS;
RED BECAUSE OF YOUR
BLUSHING MODESTY;
A ROSE BECAUSE OF YOUR BEAUTY.
AH.
- LARRY, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING...
- HUSH.
SWEET JANET, NO NEED FOR WORDS,
I CAN HEAR WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
(muffled)
I KNOW, I KNOW.
WE'LL TALK LATER TONIGHT.
I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:30, OKAY?
- WHAT AM I...
- HUSH.
YOU'RE A TIGER.
- OH...
- JANET,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL LARRY
YOU WEREN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM?
BECAUSE, CHRISSY, I
FELT SORRY FOR HIM.
LOOK, LARRY'S IN A REAL
VULNERABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW.
NO, HE'S NOT. HE'S IN HIS
APARTMENT. (laughing, snorting)
GIVE ME A BREAK, CHRISSY. I'VE
GOT A PROBLEM HERE. COME ON!
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO HURT
LARRY. I DON'T WANT TO LEAD HIM ON!
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- OH, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
YEAH... GEE, CHRISSY,
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HE SEES IN ME.
- I DON'T KNOW EITHER.
CHRISSY!
OH NO, JACK, IT'S COOL. I
MEAN, SHE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
LOOK, I'M NOT LARRY'S TYPE.
I'M NOT TALL, OR
VOLUPTUOUS, OR... EASY.
THIS IS A SIMPLE
CASE OF REBOUND.
LARRY WIPED OUT ON WHAT
HE THOUGHT WAS A SURE THING,
A FIVE-STAR, RIGHT?
SO NOW HE'S LOOKING FOR
A SWEET, OLD-FASHIONED,
DEMURE, DECENT TYPE OF GIRL.
IN LOS ANGELES?
CHRISSY.
LARRY THINKS THAT JANET
IS THAT SWEET, DEMURE GIRL.
- SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- WELL...
YOU'VE GOTTA SHOW HIM THAT
YOU'RE NOT WHAT HE THINKS YOU ARE.
SHE'S GOTTA SHOW
HIM SHE'S NOT A GIRL?
HELP US OUT, CHRISSY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT A
DIFFERENT TYPE OF GIRL.
- NOW WHEN LARRY
SHOWS UP TONIGHT.
- YEAH?
YOU'VE GOTTA SHOW HIM A JANET
THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTS,
- A SEXY BOMBSHELL.
- WHAT?
LOOK, YOU'VE GOTTA TURN HIM
ON SO YOU CAN TURN HIM OFF.
YOU SEE? I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.
OKAY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
NOW YOU PRETEND THAT YOU'RE SITTING
ALL BY YOURSELF AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
A GOOD-LOOKING GUY WALKS IN
- AND SITS DOWN
BESIDES YOU?
- OKAY.
♪ DAY, ME SAY DAY, ME
SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY O ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND
ME WANNA GO HOME. ♪
- WELL?
- I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE
GOOD-LOOKING GUY TO COME IN.
OH COME ON, JANET!
- HA HA HA HA, VERY FUNNY.
- I'M SORRY.
- YOU WANNA GET SERIOUS?
- I'LL GET SERIOUS. I'LL BE GOOD.
- OKAY...
- HERE I AM.
♪ DAY ME SAY DAY DAY...
DAYLIGHT COME AND... ♪
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?
- ME? WHAT DO I DO?
- YES!
- I DON'T DO ANYTHING, JACK.
- YOU GOTTA WAIT FOR THE GUY
TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
- WRONG!
- THAT'S WHO LARRY
THINKS HE'S IN LOVE WITH.
- OH...
YOU'VE GOTTA BE
AN AGGRESSIVE GIRL.
YOU GOTTA MAKE THE FIRST
MOVE! LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.
OKAY LOOK, I'LL BE
THE GIRL, ALL RIGHT?
AND YOU BE THE GUY, OKAY?
- YOU WANT ME
TO BE THE GUY?
- YES.
OKAY, I'M THE GUY. ♪ DAY
ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY... ♪
I'LL BE GOOD, I'M SORRY.
- I'M JUST SO NERVOUS.
- ALL RIGHT, JUST LOCK IN.
OKAY, I'LL LOCK
IN. I'LL DO IT, JACK.
- I'M THE GIRL.
- I'M THE GUY. (grunts)
(high-pitched yawn)
(high-pitched voice)
HELLO, BIG FELLA.
OOH, MERCY!
I KNOW IT'S NOT SATURDAY
NIGHT, BUT I'VE GOT THE FEVER.
INTERESTED IN A NICE,
MEANINGLESS RELATIONSHIP?
JACK, JUST FORGET IT!
- DO YOU WANNA GET RID
OF LARRY OR NOT?
- YEAH, I DO!
ALL RIGHT, THEN JUST
LISTEN TO THE MASTER.
- I'M TRYING TO SET
A MOOD HERE, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- TAKE THE NOTES.
- I'M TAKING NOTES.
- SHE'S NEARLY READY.
- OH GREAT.
- (doorbell rings)
- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
HI.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
CALLING FOR JANET.
SURE, COME ON IN.
- HAVE A SEAT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
GET HER OUT HERE NOW.
JANET, YOUR DATE'S HERE.
IT'S NICE WEATHER
WE'RE HAVING, HUH?
OH YES, VERY NICE. BUT
IT'S SO UNPREDICTABLE.
YEAH, NICE ONE
DAY, NICE THE NEXT.
HUH, THAT JANET. YOU'VE
GOT A GREAT GIRL THERE.
YOU REALLY LIKE HER, HUH?
MY INTENTIONS ARE
STRICTLY HONORABLE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
DON'T WORRY. I'LL HAVE
HER BACK AT A DECENT HOUR.
HI, BIG EYES.
- I HOPE YOU LIKE
WHAT YOU SEE.
- (gulps)
SURE, I MEAN...
THAT IS REALLY A...
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
WE'RE GOING TO THE SYMPHONY.
CHRISSY AND JACK,
I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH MY
MAN IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU LUCKY GUY!
TRY NOT TO SET OFF
THE SMOKE ALARM, OKAY?
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
- THEY SENSED IT.
- SENSED WHAT?
THE PHYSICAL ATTRACTION,
THE LOVE CONNECTION,
THE GLANDULAR ELECTRICITY.
UH, JANET, I BROUGHT
YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.
- IT'S JUST A CORSAGE.
- OH GOOD, LET'S SMOKE IT.
- OH, HA HA,
THAT'S A JOKE.
- (laughs)
- OKAY, LET ME PUT
THIS ON FOR YOU.
- OH NO, LARRY,
IT'LL JUST GET CRUSHED WHEN I
PUT MY LOVING ARMS AROUND YOU.
- I DON'T FOLLOW.
- YOU WILL.
WHEN I LEAD, MY
MEN ALWAYS FOLLOW.
(yawns)
OH MERCY!
LARRY, WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU
WERE GONNA TAKE ME TONIGHT?
TO THE SYMPHONY.
OH, LET'S JUST FORGET
THE SYMPHONY, LARRY.
WHY DON'T YOU AND I...
JUST STAY HERE AND THEN WE'LL
LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE.
WHAT?
OH, COME ON, LARRY,
DON'T BE NAIVE WITH ME.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
BIRDS AND THE BEES.
JANET, WE'RE GONNA
MISS THE OVERTURE.
- (buzzes like bee)
- JANET.
(continues buzzing)
JANET!
YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED
IN ME, AREN'T YOU, LARRY?
DISAPPOINTED?
I'M NOT THE GIRL
YOU THOUGHT I WAS.
DARN.
YES, YOU ARE, AND MORE.
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE SWEET,
SENSITIVE,
- NO, NO, NO...
- OLD FASHIONED,
AND A TURN-ON BESIDES.
(Janet shouts)
- Janet: NO, NO, NO, STOP!
- Larry: WHOOP!
THAT'S ENOUGH! STAY!
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. YOU WAIT
THERE DARLING, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(groaning)
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- (Janet growls)
- THAT GOOD, HUH?
- LISTEN, JACK,
- YEAH?
- HE'S ALL OVER ME
OUT THERE,
YOU GOTTA THINK OF
ANOTHER PLAN QUICK.
WAIT A MINUTE, WE TRIED
HIS WAY, NOW LET'S TRY MINE.
- COME ON, JACK.
- ME? WHAT AM I
GONNA DO?
- JUST DO WHAT I DO.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
THE SAME THING YOU'LL BE
DOING, ONLY I'LL BE DOING IT FIRST.
(howls)
(vocalizing "Here
Comes the Bride")
OH, LARRY, CONGRATULATIONS!
THIS IS SO EXCITING,
ISN'T IT, JACK?
HUH? RIGHT, YEAH, IT IS.
WHERE'S... JANET?
SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN
MAKING UP THE GUEST LIST.
GUEST LIST? HEY
JACK, WHAT'S GOING ON?
SHE KNOWS.
- CHRISSY?
- JUST CALLING MY DAD.
HE'D BE SO HURT IF WE DIDN'T
LET HIM PERFORM THE CEREMONY.
WHO'S GETTING MARRIED?
- YOU AND JANET!
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
WHAT?! WHO?
- DADDY?
- WAIT, GIVE ME THAT.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, THAT'S
A WRONG NUMBER THERE.
- DID YOU SAY MARRIED?
- YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE A MAID OF HONOR.
WE COULD WEAR PINK
DRESSES AND BIG HATS...
WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND,
CHRISSY. JACK? COULD I TALK TO YOU?
OH, YOU WANT ME TO BE
YOUR BEST MAN, LARRY!
I ACCEPT. THANKS, PAL.
BEST MAN? MAID OF
HONOR? HOLD ON A SECOND,
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING ONE
VERY IMPORTANT THING HERE?
(gasps) ALMOST FORGOT
THE BACHELOR PARTY.
RIGHT, I'LL CALL THE GUYS RIGHT
NOW. THAT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN.
JACK, HOLD ON A SECOND. WOULD
YOU PUT THAT PHONE DOWN NOW?
COME ON, I CAN'T HAVE
ANY BACHELOR PARTY.
JANET WON'T MIND. I'M GONNA
BE GIVING HER A BRIDAL SHOWER.
- GIVE ME THE PHONE, JACK.
- Jack: OH, YEAH, LISTEN,
I GOTTA GO PUT SOME SIGNS
UP AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
- EVERYBODY WILL WANNA COME TO YOUR...
- JACK!
JACK, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HELLO, BRIDAL SHOWER PEOPLE.
CHRISSY, PUT THAT PHONE DOWN.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD EVERYTHING!
IT'S NO TROUBLE AT ALL, PAL.
YEAH, YOU AND JANET
CAN LIVE HERE WITH US.
THAT IS, UNTIL YOU BUY
YOUR LITTLE HOUSE IN IOWA.
- IOWA?
- Chrissy: YEAH.
JANET'S ALWAYS
WANTED TO LIVE IN IOWA.
YEAH, SHE'LL HAVE YOU UP EVERY
MORNING AT 4:00 A.M. TO MILK THEM COWS.
COWS? YOU MEAN, MOO, MOO?
AND SHEEP. BAH, BAH.
AND CHILDREN. DA-DA.
OH, JANET'S ALWAYS WANTED
TO HAVE A BIG, BIG FAMILY.
AND LARRY, YOU'RE
JUST THE MAN TO DO IT.
DA-DA?
YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THIS LITTLE
BLACK BOOK ANYMORE, WILL YOU?
- JACK. JACK.
- NO, NO.
FAREWELL, CAMILLE CANTUDIO.
CAMILLE CANTUDIO? THAT'S FOUR...
ADIOS, SHEILA KARLINSKI.
- SHEILA!
- LARRY?
JANET.
Both: I WANNA CALL IT OFF.
- YOU DO?
- YOU DO?
Both: I'M SORRY. GO AHEAD.
JANET, I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY, BUT...
THIS JUST WON'T WORK OUT. I MEAN, I
DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT COWS.
- COWS?
- YOU KNOW... MOO, MOO.
- MOO, MOO?
- NOW LOOK, YEAH RIGHT,
KID, YOU JUST HANG IN THERE
AND I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THE
RIGHT MAN WILL COME ALONG SOMEDAY.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SO LONG.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU DID, BUT THANK YOU.
WAIT A SECOND. I
HELPED TOO, YOU KNOW.
- JACK, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, TOO.
- Jack: YES, THANK YOU.
THANKS, GUYS.
UM... EXCUSE ME.
Chrissy: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M JUST GOING DOWN
TO THE REGAL BEAGLE
TO SEE IF ANY STARS
ARE OUT TONIGHT.
EXCUSE ME.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
HURRY UP, CHRISSY, WE'RE
GONNA BE LATE FOR THE CONCERT.
- CAN'T YOU DRESS ANY FASTER?
- Chrissy: I DRESS VERY FAST.
- WHAT'S HOLDING YOU UP?
- IT'S THE WEATHER.
THE WEATHER?
WHETHER TO WEAR THE
BLUE SWEATER OR WHETHER...
CHRISSY, WE'RE GOING
TO A ROCK CONCERT,
NOT A FASHION SHOW.
THE ONLY THING THOSE PEOPLE
CARE ABOUT IS THE MUSIC.
NO ONE IS GOING TO
NOTICE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE.
ON THE OTHER
HAND, I'M TONE DEAF!
IT'S A FUNNY THING
ABOUT THESE BINOCULARS,
SOME PARTS OF YOUR SWEATER
SEEM CLOSER TO ME THAN OTHER PARTS.
- JACK, COME ON.
- LET'S GO, COME ON.
- OH!
- OH HI, GUYS.
- HI, HI...
- Jack: JANET, COME ON.
- OH BOY...
- JANET, DON'T SIT DOWN!
- (screams)
- A FRIEND AT SCHOOL GAVE ME
THREE FREE TICKETS
- TO A ROCK CONCERT TONIGHT.
- OH NO, JACK.
AFTER EIGHT HOURS ON MY
FEET AT THE FLOWER SHOP,
I JUST WANNA SIT
DOWN AND TAKE ROOT.
- NO, NO, NO...
- JANET, NO!
NO, YOU DON'T WANNA
MISS THIS GROUP!
THE DIRTY DOZEN,
THEY'RE REALLY DIFFERENT.
CHRISSY, WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT
ABOUT THE DIRTY DOZEN?
THERE ARE ONLY NINE OF THEM.
- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT!
(yelps)
YOU GET THE DOOR,
I'LL GET MY SWEATER.
- LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
STAYING HOME TONIGHT.
- THANK YOU, I'LL STAY HOME.
LARRY, ARE YOU IN LUCK.
I GOT AN EXTRA TICKET TO THE
DIRTY DOZEN CONCERT TONIGHT.
- YOU WANNA GO?
- LIFE IS SO CRUEL.
A SIMPLE YES OR NO WOULD DO.
JACK, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
I'LL STOP BY
TOMORROW. I GOTTA RUN.
- TOMORROW MIGHT BE TOO LATE!
- CHRISSY, LET'S GO!
- BYE!
- JACK!
- BYE, JANET!
- BYE, GUYS. HAVE A GOOD TIME!
(sighs deeply)
(groans)
(groans)
OKAY, LARRY. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
WELL, YOU SEE, I WAS... I MEAN,
I HAVE THIS FRIEND.
- OKAY, YOU HAVE A FRIEND.
- YEAH, A GOOD FRIEND,
AND HE HAD A DATE
WITH A GORGEOUS GIRL.
I MEAN, ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO 10
SHE WAS A 15.
THE NEEDLE WENT AROUND TWICE.
OKAY, YOUR FRIEND
WAS OUT WITH A GIRL...
- GORGEOUS GIRL.
- GORGEOUS, EXCUSE ME.
RIGHT, WELL, THEY WERE
HAVING THIS ROMANTIC DINNER.
FROM WHERE THEY SAT,
THEY COULD SEE THE MOON
BEAMING THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD.
THEN AFTER DINNER,
AFTER DINNER, HE GOT RID OF THE
EMPTY BUCKET AND THE CHICKEN BONES,
HE PULLED HER CLOSE TO HIM,
AND THEN HE STARTED WHISPERING
THOSE SWEET, SWEET NOTHINGS IN HER EAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THEN?
- I CAN GUESS.
- NO.
NO, YOU CAN'T. SHE
FELL ASLEEP ON HIM!
- NO.
- YEAH, YOU CAN'T
BELIEVE IT EITHER, HUH?
WHEN SHE WOKE UP, SHE
TOLD THIS WONDERFUL,
HANDSOME, INCREDIBLE
HUNK OF A MAN
THAT SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT
FALL ASLEEP BECAUSE HE WAS SO...
SO... BORING.
WELL, LARRY, MAYBE
YOUR FRIEND IS BORING.
- A LOT OF HANDSOME GUYS ARE.
- I AM NOT!
YOU'RE NOT? YOU'RE
THIS INCREDIBLE HUNK?
THIS MAN WHO IS
HANDSOME AND WONDERFUL?
- AND BORING. YOU FORGOT BORING.
- NO, I DIDN'T.
I MEAN... NO, LARRY,
YOU'RE NOT BORING.
- OH YES, I AM.
- NO, YOU'RE NOT!
- (sighs)
- LARRY.
- HEY.
- MM-HMM.
COME ON, LARRY. THAT'S
JUST ONE GIRL'S OPINION.
COME ON, I BET YOU GOT
HUNDREDS OF OTHER GIRLFRIENDS.
HAD. THOSE DAYS ARE OVER NOW.
I'D BE AFRAID TO GO OUT ON A
DATE AND HAVE IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
- I'M WASHED UP!
- OH COME ON.
MAYBE IT WON'T BE SO
BAD WITHOUT WOMEN.
I COULD ALWAYS TAKE UP READING.
WHERE DO YOU GO TO BUY BOOKS?
LARRY, SNAP OUT OF IT.
YOU HAVE A LOT TO OFFER A GIRL.
SHE SAID I WAS DUMB, TOO.
AWW...
WELL, LARRY, WHAT DO YOU
CARE WHAT THAT GIRL SAYS?
I MEAN, I'VE KNOWN YOU
FOR A REAL LONG TIME,
AND I THINK THAT YOU'RE...
I THINK THAT YOU'RE A
VERY SPECIAL PERSON.
- SPECIAL?
- UH-HUH.
- REALLY?
- SURE.
NO GIRL EVER SAID
THAT TO ME BEFORE.
WELL, SEE? NOW
THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'RE JUST GOING OUT
WITH THE WRONG KIND OF GIRL.
YEAH, YOU NEED SOMEBODY WHO'S...
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY WHO'S
A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING.
SOMEONE WHO'S
REAL DOWN-TO-EARTH.
- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH...
- YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, WHERE COULD I
EVER FIND A GIRL LIKE THAT?
OH LARRY, SHE'S PROBABLY
RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE.
- JANET.
- HMM?
JANET, THE THINGS
THAT YOU HAVE SAID!
YOU HAVE MADE ME
FEEL SO WONDERFUL.
OH, I'M GLAD, LARRY. BUT
GO HOME AND CHEER UP.
- YEAH, YEAH, OKAY.
- OKAY.
JANET?
- YES, LARRY?
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I HOPE SO.
(humming)
YUCK!
- UGH.
- (knocking)
IT'S OPEN.
HEY, LARRY, I'M SORRY I
RUSHED OUT ON YOU YESTERDAY...
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- (chuckles)
JUST TAKING DOWN A FEW PICTURES.
GEE, YOUR WALLS LOOK
SO NAKED WITHOUT THEM.
COME TO THINK OF IT, THEY
LOOK NAKED WITH THEM.
(both laugh)
YUP, WELL, I WON'T BE
NEEDING THESE ANYMORE. TA-DA!
ARE YOU FEELING ALL
RIGHT? YOU GOT A FEVER?
- (laughing)
- ARE YOU SICK? DO THIS.
- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
- JACK, JACK,
- I HAVE FINALLY MET
THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS.
- AGAIN?
- I AM SERIOUS.
- OH, OKAY.
- I AM IN LOVE!
- FINE. WHO IS IT
THIS TIME, LARRY?
- WELL, SHE LIVES IN
THIS BUILDING, - MM-HMM.
AND I NEVER REALLY
NOTICED HER BEFORE.
CUTE FACE, BIG BROWN
EYES, SHORT DARK HAIR,
SENSITIVE, SMART, WITTY...
- (laughs)
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
NOTHING, IT JUST SOUNDED LIKE
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT JANET.
I AM TALKING ABOUT JANET.
MY JANET?!
NO, MY JANET.
I LOVE HER!
YOU LOVE JANET?!
AND JANET LOVES ME.
- YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON,
AREN'T YOU?
- UH-UH.
WELL, JANET'S NOT
YOUR TYPE OF GIRL.
SHE IS NOW.
- WHAT DID YOU
DO TO HER?!
- HEY.
COME ON, TAKE IT
EASY, ALL RIGHT?
SHE'S STILL THE SAME. I'M
THE ONE WHO'S CHANGED.
DON'T YOU SEE? I AM FED UP WITH THOSE
AGGRESSIVE WOMEN ALWAYS COMING ON STRONG.
YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE...
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALWAYS CALLING YOU UP,
"HI, BABY, I'M COMIN' OVER.
WARM UP THE WATERBED."
UGH, AREN'T YOU TIRED OF THAT?
WELL, ACTUALLY, I NEVER
GET CALLS LIKE THAT.
THEN THEY CLIMB ALL OVER YOU.
I AM TELLING YOU, JACK, I
AM NOT A LOVE MACHINE.
JANET, AH,
JANET IS THE KIND OF
OLD-FASHIONED SENSITIVE GIRL
I HAVE BEEN MISSING ALL MY LIFE.
NAH, I KNOW YOU, LARRY.
THIS IS JUST AN INFATUATION.
I GIVE IT A WEEK, TWO
WEEKS MAX, THEN IT'S OVER.
- OH YEAH?
- YEAH.
OH YEAH? WELL, MAYBE
THIS WILL CONVINCE YOU.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
IT'S YOURS. GO
ON, GO ON TAKE IT.
GEE, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE BIGGER.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S JUST A TO F.
THE OTHER VOLUMES
ARE AT MY OFFICE
ALONG WITH THE APPENDIX
AND THE MONTHLY SUPPLEMENTS.
WHAT DO THESE STARS
MEAN NEXT TO GIRLS' NAMES?
OH THAT'S JUST MY
LITTLE RATING SYSTEM.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU LOVE JANET.
- HOW DO YOU KNOW
SHE LOVES YOU?
- (chuckling)
- I HAVE MY WAYS.
- WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?
HEY! IT WAS A KISS, JUST A KISS.
- YOU KISSED JANET?
- NO, SHE KISSED ME.
SHE KISSED...
YOU TELL JANET I'LL BE
DOWN IN A LITTLE WHILE.
- OKAY, BUDDY?
- OKAY.
YOU KNOW, SHE MEANS MORE TO ME
THAN ALL THE FIVE-STAR
GIRLS IN THAT BOOK.
YOU GOT GIRLS WITH
FIVE STARS IN HERE?
OH YEAH, BUT I WOULDN'T
TRY ANY OF THEM
UNLESS YOU GOT A COMPLETE
PHYSICAL CHECK-UP FIRST.
ME? HE LOVES ME?
YEAH, AND HE SAYS YOU LOVE HIM.
OH, WHERE'D HE GET A
STUPID IDEA LIKE THAT?
FROM WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN YOU LAST NIGHT.
WHAT HAPPENED LAST
NIGHT? WHAT?! WHAT?!
NOTHING, CHRISSY!
LOOK, LARRY WAS
REAL DOWN ON HIMSELF.
SO I JUST TRIED TO
MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER.
LOOKS LIKE YOU DID.
ALL I DID WAS TELL HIM
THAT HE WAS SPECIAL,
AND APPEALING AND SWEET.
YOU KNOW, I LIED A LITTLE.
- AND YOU KISSED HIM.
- I DID NOT.
- LARRY SAYS YOU KISSED HIM.
- I DID NOT KISS LARRY!
COME ON, JACK! OH, RIGHT, YEAH,
I BLEW HIM ONE LITTLE KISS
FROM CLEAR ACROSS THE ROOM.
YOU DON'T KNOW
YOUR OWN STRENGTH.
YOU MUST HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD HIM.
HE GAVE ME HIS
LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
- SO, HE GAVE YOU
HIS LITTLE BLACK BOOK.
- WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
DEBBIE CAVANAUGH IS A FIVE-STAR.
GIVE ME THAT!
WHAT DO THE STARS MEAN?
UH, PERFECT ATTENDANCE.
SHE WAS PRESENT AT EVERY DATE.
I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF IT.
I MEAN, THE WHOLE IDEA
IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.
- YOU TELL THAT TO LARRY.
- (doorbell rings)
I WILL, NEXT TIME I SEE HIM.
ONE RED ROSE.
ONE BECAUSE OF YOUR SPECIALNESS;
RED BECAUSE OF YOUR
BLUSHING MODESTY;
A ROSE BECAUSE OF YOUR BEAUTY.
AH.
- LARRY, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING...
- HUSH.
SWEET JANET, NO NEED FOR WORDS,
I CAN HEAR WHAT'S IN YOUR HEART.
(muffled)
I KNOW, I KNOW.
WE'LL TALK LATER TONIGHT.
I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:30, OKAY?
- WHAT AM I...
- HUSH.
YOU'RE A TIGER.
- OH...
- JANET,
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL LARRY
YOU WEREN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM?
BECAUSE, CHRISSY, I
FELT SORRY FOR HIM.
LOOK, LARRY'S IN A REAL
VULNERABLE PLACE RIGHT NOW.
NO, HE'S NOT. HE'S IN HIS
APARTMENT. (laughing, snorting)
GIVE ME A BREAK, CHRISSY. I'VE
GOT A PROBLEM HERE. COME ON!
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO HURT
LARRY. I DON'T WANT TO LEAD HIM ON!
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
- OH, I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU.
YEAH... GEE, CHRISSY,
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HE SEES IN ME.
- I DON'T KNOW EITHER.
CHRISSY!
OH NO, JACK, IT'S COOL. I
MEAN, SHE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
LOOK, I'M NOT LARRY'S TYPE.
I'M NOT TALL, OR
VOLUPTUOUS, OR... EASY.
THIS IS A SIMPLE
CASE OF REBOUND.
LARRY WIPED OUT ON WHAT
HE THOUGHT WAS A SURE THING,
A FIVE-STAR, RIGHT?
SO NOW HE'S LOOKING FOR
A SWEET, OLD-FASHIONED,
DEMURE, DECENT TYPE OF GIRL.
IN LOS ANGELES?
CHRISSY.
LARRY THINKS THAT JANET
IS THAT SWEET, DEMURE GIRL.
- SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?
- WELL...
YOU'VE GOTTA SHOW HIM THAT
YOU'RE NOT WHAT HE THINKS YOU ARE.
SHE'S GOTTA SHOW
HIM SHE'S NOT A GIRL?
HELP US OUT, CHRISSY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT A
DIFFERENT TYPE OF GIRL.
- NOW WHEN LARRY
SHOWS UP TONIGHT.
- YEAH?
YOU'VE GOTTA SHOW HIM A JANET
THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTS,
- A SEXY BOMBSHELL.
- WHAT?
LOOK, YOU'VE GOTTA TURN HIM
ON SO YOU CAN TURN HIM OFF.
YOU SEE? I'LL SHOW YOU HOW.
OKAY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME.
NOW YOU PRETEND THAT YOU'RE SITTING
ALL BY YOURSELF AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
A GOOD-LOOKING GUY WALKS IN
- AND SITS DOWN
BESIDES YOU?
- OKAY.
♪ DAY, ME SAY DAY, ME
SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY O ♪
♪ DAYLIGHT COME AND
ME WANNA GO HOME. ♪
- WELL?
- I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE
GOOD-LOOKING GUY TO COME IN.
OH COME ON, JANET!
- HA HA HA HA, VERY FUNNY.
- I'M SORRY.
- YOU WANNA GET SERIOUS?
- I'LL GET SERIOUS. I'LL BE GOOD.
- OKAY...
- HERE I AM.
♪ DAY ME SAY DAY DAY...
DAYLIGHT COME AND... ♪
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU DO?
- ME? WHAT DO I DO?
- YES!
- I DON'T DO ANYTHING, JACK.
- YOU GOTTA WAIT FOR THE GUY
TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.
- WRONG!
- THAT'S WHO LARRY
THINKS HE'S IN LOVE WITH.
- OH...
YOU'VE GOTTA BE
AN AGGRESSIVE GIRL.
YOU GOTTA MAKE THE FIRST
MOVE! LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU.
OKAY LOOK, I'LL BE
THE GIRL, ALL RIGHT?
AND YOU BE THE GUY, OKAY?
- YOU WANT ME
TO BE THE GUY?
- YES.
OKAY, I'M THE GUY. ♪ DAY
ME SAY DAY, ME SAY DAY... ♪
I'LL BE GOOD, I'M SORRY.
- I'M JUST SO NERVOUS.
- ALL RIGHT, JUST LOCK IN.
OKAY, I'LL LOCK
IN. I'LL DO IT, JACK.
- I'M THE GIRL.
- I'M THE GUY. (grunts)
(high-pitched yawn)
(high-pitched voice)
HELLO, BIG FELLA.
OOH, MERCY!
I KNOW IT'S NOT SATURDAY
NIGHT, BUT I'VE GOT THE FEVER.
INTERESTED IN A NICE,
MEANINGLESS RELATIONSHIP?
JACK, JUST FORGET IT!
- DO YOU WANNA GET RID
OF LARRY OR NOT?
- YEAH, I DO!
ALL RIGHT, THEN JUST
LISTEN TO THE MASTER.
- I'M TRYING TO SET
A MOOD HERE, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- TAKE THE NOTES.
- I'M TAKING NOTES.
- SHE'S NEARLY READY.
- OH GREAT.
- (doorbell rings)
- THE MOMENT OF TRUTH.
HI.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
CALLING FOR JANET.
SURE, COME ON IN.
- HAVE A SEAT.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.
GET HER OUT HERE NOW.
JANET, YOUR DATE'S HERE.
IT'S NICE WEATHER
WE'RE HAVING, HUH?
OH YES, VERY NICE. BUT
IT'S SO UNPREDICTABLE.
YEAH, NICE ONE
DAY, NICE THE NEXT.
HUH, THAT JANET. YOU'VE
GOT A GREAT GIRL THERE.
YOU REALLY LIKE HER, HUH?
MY INTENTIONS ARE
STRICTLY HONORABLE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
DON'T WORRY. I'LL HAVE
HER BACK AT A DECENT HOUR.
HI, BIG EYES.
- I HOPE YOU LIKE
WHAT YOU SEE.
- (gulps)
SURE, I MEAN...
THAT IS REALLY A...
I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
WE'RE GOING TO THE SYMPHONY.
CHRISSY AND JACK,
I'D LIKE TO BE ALONE WITH MY
MAN IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU LUCKY GUY!
TRY NOT TO SET OFF
THE SMOKE ALARM, OKAY?
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
- THEY SENSED IT.
- SENSED WHAT?
THE PHYSICAL ATTRACTION,
THE LOVE CONNECTION,
THE GLANDULAR ELECTRICITY.
UH, JANET, I BROUGHT
YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.
- IT'S JUST A CORSAGE.
- OH GOOD, LET'S SMOKE IT.
- OH, HA HA,
THAT'S A JOKE.
- (laughs)
- OKAY, LET ME PUT
THIS ON FOR YOU.
- OH NO, LARRY,
IT'LL JUST GET CRUSHED WHEN I
PUT MY LOVING ARMS AROUND YOU.
- I DON'T FOLLOW.
- YOU WILL.
WHEN I LEAD, MY
MEN ALWAYS FOLLOW.
(yawns)
OH MERCY!
LARRY, WHERE DID YOU SAY YOU
WERE GONNA TAKE ME TONIGHT?
TO THE SYMPHONY.
OH, LET'S JUST FORGET
THE SYMPHONY, LARRY.
WHY DON'T YOU AND I...
JUST STAY HERE AND THEN WE'LL
LET NATURE TAKE ITS COURSE.
WHAT?
OH, COME ON, LARRY,
DON'T BE NAIVE WITH ME.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
BIRDS AND THE BEES.
JANET, WE'RE GONNA
MISS THE OVERTURE.
- (buzzes like bee)
- JANET.
(continues buzzing)
JANET!
YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED
IN ME, AREN'T YOU, LARRY?
DISAPPOINTED?
I'M NOT THE GIRL
YOU THOUGHT I WAS.
DARN.
YES, YOU ARE, AND MORE.
- WHAT?
- YOU'RE SWEET,
SENSITIVE,
- NO, NO, NO...
- OLD FASHIONED,
AND A TURN-ON BESIDES.
(Janet shouts)
- Janet: NO, NO, NO, STOP!
- Larry: WHOOP!
THAT'S ENOUGH! STAY!
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. YOU WAIT
THERE DARLING, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
(groaning)
- HOW'S IT GOING?
- (Janet growls)
- THAT GOOD, HUH?
- LISTEN, JACK,
- YEAH?
- HE'S ALL OVER ME
OUT THERE,
YOU GOTTA THINK OF
ANOTHER PLAN QUICK.
WAIT A MINUTE, WE TRIED
HIS WAY, NOW LET'S TRY MINE.
- COME ON, JACK.
- ME? WHAT AM I
GONNA DO?
- JUST DO WHAT I DO.
- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
THE SAME THING YOU'LL BE
DOING, ONLY I'LL BE DOING IT FIRST.
(howls)
(vocalizing "Here
Comes the Bride")
OH, LARRY, CONGRATULATIONS!
THIS IS SO EXCITING,
ISN'T IT, JACK?
HUH? RIGHT, YEAH, IT IS.
WHERE'S... JANET?
SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN
MAKING UP THE GUEST LIST.
GUEST LIST? HEY
JACK, WHAT'S GOING ON?
SHE KNOWS.
- CHRISSY?
- JUST CALLING MY DAD.
HE'D BE SO HURT IF WE DIDN'T
LET HIM PERFORM THE CEREMONY.
WHO'S GETTING MARRIED?
- YOU AND JANET!
- OH, THAT'S NICE.
WHAT?! WHO?
- DADDY?
- WAIT, GIVE ME THAT.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, THAT'S
A WRONG NUMBER THERE.
- DID YOU SAY MARRIED?
- YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO BE A MAID OF HONOR.
WE COULD WEAR PINK
DRESSES AND BIG HATS...
WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND,
CHRISSY. JACK? COULD I TALK TO YOU?
OH, YOU WANT ME TO BE
YOUR BEST MAN, LARRY!
I ACCEPT. THANKS, PAL.
BEST MAN? MAID OF
HONOR? HOLD ON A SECOND,
AREN'T YOU FORGETTING ONE
VERY IMPORTANT THING HERE?
(gasps) ALMOST FORGOT
THE BACHELOR PARTY.
RIGHT, I'LL CALL THE GUYS RIGHT
NOW. THAT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN.
JACK, HOLD ON A SECOND. WOULD
YOU PUT THAT PHONE DOWN NOW?
COME ON, I CAN'T HAVE
ANY BACHELOR PARTY.
JANET WON'T MIND. I'M GONNA
BE GIVING HER A BRIDAL SHOWER.
- GIVE ME THE PHONE, JACK.
- Jack: OH, YEAH, LISTEN,
I GOTTA GO PUT SOME SIGNS
UP AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
- EVERYBODY WILL WANNA COME TO YOUR...
- JACK!
JACK, HOLD ON A SECOND.
HELLO, BRIDAL SHOWER PEOPLE.
CHRISSY, PUT THAT PHONE DOWN.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT,
HOLD EVERYTHING!
IT'S NO TROUBLE AT ALL, PAL.
YEAH, YOU AND JANET
CAN LIVE HERE WITH US.
THAT IS, UNTIL YOU BUY
YOUR LITTLE HOUSE IN IOWA.
- IOWA?
- Chrissy: YEAH.
JANET'S ALWAYS
WANTED TO LIVE IN IOWA.
YEAH, SHE'LL HAVE YOU UP EVERY
MORNING AT 4:00 A.M. TO MILK THEM COWS.
COWS? YOU MEAN, MOO, MOO?
AND SHEEP. BAH, BAH.
AND CHILDREN. DA-DA.
OH, JANET'S ALWAYS WANTED
TO HAVE A BIG, BIG FAMILY.
AND LARRY, YOU'RE
JUST THE MAN TO DO IT.
DA-DA?
YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THIS LITTLE
BLACK BOOK ANYMORE, WILL YOU?
- JACK. JACK.
- NO, NO.
FAREWELL, CAMILLE CANTUDIO.
CAMILLE CANTUDIO? THAT'S FOUR...
ADIOS, SHEILA KARLINSKI.
- SHEILA!
- LARRY?
JANET.
Both: I WANNA CALL IT OFF.
- YOU DO?
- YOU DO?
Both: I'M SORRY. GO AHEAD.
JANET, I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY, BUT...
THIS JUST WON'T WORK OUT. I MEAN, I
DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT COWS.
- COWS?
- YOU KNOW... MOO, MOO.
- MOO, MOO?
- NOW LOOK, YEAH RIGHT,
KID, YOU JUST HANG IN THERE
AND I AM ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THE
RIGHT MAN WILL COME ALONG SOMEDAY.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT.
WELL, SO LONG.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU DID, BUT THANK YOU.
WAIT A SECOND. I
HELPED TOO, YOU KNOW.
- JACK, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, TOO.
- Jack: YES, THANK YOU.
THANKS, GUYS.
UM... EXCUSE ME.
Chrissy: WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M JUST GOING DOWN
TO THE REGAL BEAGLE
TO SEE IF ANY STARS
ARE OUT TONIGHT.
EXCUSE ME.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.