Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 16 - Mighty Mouth - full transcript

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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

OH NO, CHRISSY,

I DON'T KNOW WHY I
BOTHER GOING TO THAT GYM.

- I DON'T SEE ANY
CHANGES IN MY BODY.
- I DO.

- YOU DO?
- YOUR FINGERS ARE LONGER.

- WHAT?
- WHEN WE FIRST
STARTED THIS THING,

YOU COULDN'T TOUCH YOUR
TOES AND NOW YOU CAN.

- HI, LADIES.
- Both: HI, JACK!

HOW WAS YOUR WORKOUT?

ANY NEW MUSCLES FOR ME TO SEE?



FOR YOU TO SEE? (scoffs)

YOU WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE
A MUSCLE IF YOU HAD ONE.

YEAH, YOU OUGHT TO
TRY WORKING OUT, JACK.

IT IS SUCH A WONDERFUL FEELING.

THANKS, CHRISSY, BUT I
GET ALL THE EXERCISE I NEED.

HARD AS ROCK.

SOFT AS JELL-O.

I'LL BET THAT SHIRLEY COULD
WHIP YOU INTO SHAPE IN NO TIME.

I LOVE IT WHEN
YOU TALK LIKE THAT.

- WHO'S THIS SHIRLEY?
- OH, JACK. SHE'S OUR
GYM INSTRUCTOR.

- YEAH?
- YEAH, SHE'S GONNA
BE HERE ANY MINUTE

- AND WE'RE ALL
GONNA HAVE LUNCH.
- OH, GREAT.

A LADY GYM INSTRUCTOR.
I KNOW JUST THE TYPE.

THEIR FACES ALWAYS LOOK LIKE
THEY DO PUSH-UPS WITH NO HANDS.

AND THEY HAVE GREAT BODIES.
GREAT FOR CLIMBING TREES.

(monkey cry) COME ON,
CHRISSY, COME ON. PUSH OUT.

AH AH AH AH AH, OH OH OH AH AH.

- HI, SHIRLEY,
COME ON IN.
- HI.

Chrissy: HI, SHIRLEY.

SHIRLEY, RIGHT. HI.

I WAS JUST SHOWING THE
LITTLE GIRLS HERE WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU DON'T TAKE CARE
OF THE OLD BOD', YOU KNOW.

HI, YOU MUST BE JACK.

YEAH, ALL SIX FEET,
180 LBS. OF ME. HI.

- OOH, WHAT A FIRM HANDSHAKE.
- THANK YOU.

I BET YOU KEEP YOURSELF IN
PRETTY GOOD CONDITION, HUH?

WELL, NOT REALLY.
ACTUALLY, I'M ABOUT...

WHAT? 10 POUNDS OFF
MY PEAK FIGHTING-WEIGHT.

YOU'RE A FIGHTER?

WELL, YOU KNOW,
BOXING, WRESTLING,

BAR BRAWLING,
THAT SORT OF THING.

YOU DON'T SEEM
LIKE A BRAWLER TO ME.

THAT'S NICE OF YOU
TO SAY, BUT YOU SEE,

WHEN YOU'RE CAPTAIN
OF THE NAVY BOXING TEAM,

THERE'S ALWAYS
SOME YOUNG PUNK...

A LITTLE WISE GUY WHO WANTS TO
BRAG ABOUT TAKING DOWN THE BIG GUY.

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY, JACK, YOU
NEVER MENTIONED ANY OF THAT TO US.

YOU SAID YOU HAD ASTHMA, THAT'S
WHY THEY KEPT YOU IN THE KITCHEN.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, CHRISSY!

NO, YOU FORGET.

YOU SEE, THE REASON THAT
THEY PUT ME IN THE KITCHEN

WAS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT
LIFTING THOSE 100 LBS. POTATOES SACKS

WOULD HELP ME WITH MY
DECATHLON TRAINING, REMEMBER?

OH, IS THAT YOUR
EVENT... THE DECATHLON?

OH, DID THAT JUST
SLIP OUT? YEAH.

ACTUALLY, I'M VERY GOOD AT THROWING
THE JAVELIN AND THROWING THE DISCUS.

HE'S GOOD AT THROWING
A LOT OF THINGS.

CHRISSY, WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET YOUR PURSE? LET'S GET GOING.

HEY, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
WHY DON'T YOU DROP BY THE GYM?

I LOVE WATCHING A
REAL MAN WORK OUT.

I'M SURE JACK WOULD
LIKE TO SEE THAT TOO.

I WILL BE THERE WITH
BARBELLS ON. HOW ABOUT THAT?

CHRISSY, LET'S GET
GOING. COME ON.

SO I'LL SEE YOU
MAYBE LATER TODAY.

- BYE, JACK.
- BYE BYE, CHRISSY.

BYE, SHIRLEY. SEE YOU LATER.

(mumbling) "BYE,
SHIRLEY. SEE YOU LATER."

OH HEY, JACK, YOU CAN LET
YOUR STOMACH OUT NOW.

THAT'S IT, ONE MORE, BURN IT UP.

(exhales, grunts)

HERE YOU GO.

- SHIRLEY.
- UH-HUH?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
OUT WITH SOME CREEP?

HARVEY, YOU'RE MY
BROTHER, NOT MY NURSEMAID.

YEAH AND YOU'RE MY BABY
SISTER AND I WORRY ABOUT YOU.

I DON'T WANT YOU GOING OUT
WITH GUYS AND GETTING BURNED.

HOW CAN I GET BURNED WHEN
YOU NEVER LET ME GET COOKING?

(groans)

(whistling)

YOU'RE IN THE AIR FORCE?

WHAT'S THAT SAYS?
"HARVEY'S HEALTH SPA"!

- IT'S A NICE SHIRT.
- HEY, CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, I WAS JUST
LOOKING. WHO ARE YOU?

I'M HARVEY.

YOU ARE? WELL, HELLO,
MR. SPA. NICE TO MEET YOU.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

OH WELL, I SIGNED UP FOR THIS... WHAT DO
YOU CALL IT? INTRODUCTORY SPECIAL HERE.

ACTUALLY, I'M IN
PRETTY GOOD SHAPE,

BUT MY MUSCLES COULD
STAND A LITTLE TONING UP.

NOT THAT ONE, THAT ONE'S FINE.

HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE.

WE HAVE A NUMBER OF
DIFFERENT TYPES OF PROGRAMS.

AND I GOTTA KNOW HOW
STRONG YOU REALLY ARE,

SO WHY DON'T YOU
PUT YOUR ARM UP HERE?

OH SURE, LET ME JUST WARN YOU... I'M
ACTUALLY A LOT STRONGER THAN I LOOK.

YOU CAN ASK MY ROOMMATES.

LET ME KNOW
ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.

OH, I'M READY.

WELL, WE HAVE THE "A" TYPE PROGRAM
WHICH IS STRICTLY FOR BEGINNERS.

UH... I THINK I'M WAY PAST THAT.

WELL, THEN WE HAVE THE "B" TYPE OF
PROGRAM WHICH IS A LITTLE TOUGHER.

LISTEN, CAN WE SKIP ALL OF THAT.

YOU KNOW, THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE
IS TO GET NEXT TO THAT BRUNETTE THERE.

- OH, REALLY?
- YEAH.

I THINK YOU'RE READY
FOR OUR "X" PROGRAM.

"X" PRO... LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.

ARE YOU AND THAT PRETTY BRUNETTE...
ARE YOU GUYS GOING TOGETHER OR ANYTHING?

- OH, NO.
- OH, GOOD, GOOD.

'CAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT
TO MAKE YOU MAD, YOU KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU STAND
RIGHT OVER HERE?

OH, SURE.

WELL...

I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO
HANDLE THIS WITH NO PROBLEM.

MM-HMM.

SURE, NO PROBLEM.

NO PROBLEM, OKAY.

- YOU GOT IT?
- YEAH, YEAH, I GOT IT.

- IT'S ALL YOURS.
- OKAY.

HANDS ARE A LITTLE SLIPPERY
THERE, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

OKAY, LET'S GET THIS... OKAY.

(puffing, screams)

EXCUSE ME, COACH,
WOULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

I'M TRYIN... IF
YOU COULD JUST...

- YOU NEED SOME HELP?
- YEAH, JUST...

LET'S GO OVER TO
THE BENCH PRESS.

WHAT'S THIS DO?

LIE DOWN. IT'S GONNA DEVELOP
WHAT WILL BE YOUR CHEST.

OH.

CAN'T WE GO BACK
TO THE "A" PROGRAM?

NO, NO, NO, THE "A" PROGRAM,
THAT'S STRICTLY FOR SISSIES.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA
PRESS THIS FOUR TIMES.

- OKAY.
- OKAY, YOU'RE READY?

- YEAH.
- OKAY...

- NOW... ONE.
- (Jack puffing)

(grunts)

WELL, COME ON.

GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF, MOMMY!

(panting)

THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD GO
OVER HERE TO THE LEG PRESS.

MY CHEST! WE GOTTA GO
BACK THERE AND GET MY CHEST.

COME HERE. YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA THANK ME FOR THIS LATER.

HEY, MAN, WHY DON'T I THANK
YOU NOW AND HIT THE SHOWERS?

NOW, YOU WATCH AND
YOU DO WHAT HE DOES.

- OKAY.
- I GOT IT.

YEAH, SIT!

NOW I WANT YOU TO DO 40 LIFTS

AND I'LL BE BACK
IN A FEW MINUTES.

I'LL BE DEAD IN A FEW MINUTES.

(weights clanks) ARE
YOU KIDDING ME?

(grunts)

(puffing)

- HI, JACK.
- OH HI, SHIRLEY. I DIDN'T SEE YOU.

- HEY.
- ISN'T THAT A LITTLE HEAVY
FOR YOUR FIRST WORKOUT?

ARE YOU KIDDING? EXCUSE ME.

39.

(puffing) 40.

(heaving) OOH.

I KNOW, THAT WAS A
HARD WEIGHT FOR ME TOO.

FOR YOU?

HEY, LISTEN... WHY DON'T YOU COME
OVER TO MY PLACE FOR LUNCH TOMORROW?

I'D LOVE IT.

GREAT. HERE'S THE
ADDRESS. SEE YOU AT NOON.

GREAT, THANKS.

39... AND 40.

GOOD.

NOW YOU DO ANOTHER 40.

BUT W-WHY?

AND THEN YOU WILL BE
THROUGH WITH YOUR WARM-UP.

AND WE CAN START YOUR WORKOUT.

MY WORK... MY WORKOUT?

- (Chrissy chuckling)
- WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

I'M JUST THINKING OF
JACK THIS MORNING

WHEN HE GOT UP, HE
LOOKED LIKE A PRETZEL.

I KNOW.

THAT WORKOUT YESTERDAY
REALLY TIED HIM IN KNOTS.

YEAH, I KNOW, HIS
ARMS WERE SO SORE,

HE COULDN'T LIFT THEM. I
HAD TO FEED HIM BREAKFAST.

OH, CHRISSY, THE POOR GUY.
WE REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

NO.

(both chuckle)

(grunts)

(groans)

(grunting) THAT LITTLE WEASEL!

- HARVEY?
- HUH?

- IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
- NO, I'M JUST GONNA
KILL SOMEBODY.

- OH, ISN'T THAT
AGAINST THE LAW?
- (Harvey grunts)

NO COURT WOULD CONVICT ME.
I MEAN HE'S DATING MY SISTER!

HARVEY. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

WHAT'S WRONG?

SHE'S ONLY 26,

INNOCENT.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON IN THE WORLD.

AND I THINK I KNOW THE GUY
THAT SHE'S DOING IT WITH...

THAT... ZIPPER FELLOW!

Both: TRIPPER.

YOU KNOW HIM.

NO, MM-MMM, NO.

I KNOW WHERE TO FIND HIM
AND SHIRLEY RIGHT NOW...

OVER AT HER APARTMENT.

UH... HARVEY, WHAT
GIVES YOU THAT IDEA?

BECAUSE I JUST TRIED TO CALL HER,
AND SHE DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE.

WELL, I DO THAT
WHEN I'M WITH... (groans)

WHEN I'M NOT THERE.

LOOK, IT WAS NICE
CHATTING WITH YOU, LADIES.

BUT I GOTTA GO SCRAMBLE
SOME GUY'S FACE.

UH, HARVEY... HARVEY, YOU
ARE REALLY TENSE THERE.

LOOK HOW TENSE HE IS, CHRISSY.

UH... HOW ABOUT...

HOW ABOUT MELLOWING
OUT OVER A NICE LUNCH

WITH A COUPLE OF GREAT GIRLS?

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT COULD BE
OUR TREAT. YOU PICK THE RESTAURANT.

I HATE RESTAURANTS.

OH, WELL... IN THAT CASE...

WHY DON'T WE JUST MOSEY
ON OVER TO OUR PLACE?

- WHAT, YOU LIVE NEAR HERE?
- UH-HUH.

YEAH, JUST A COUPLE
OF BLOCKS AWAY.

I GUESS I COULD
HAVE A QUICK BITE.

- ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GO THEN, HARV.
- YEAH, GREAT.

(heaving)

(panting)

(yelps)

(grunts)

I CAN JUST SEE THE HEADLINE...
"MAN DIES WHILE PUTTING ON PANTS."

- (doorbell chimes)
- GO AWAY.

- (chiming continues)
- GO AWAY!

- (grumbling)
- (chiming, knocking)

(mumbling)

(gasps)

SHIRLEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU
SAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE LUNCH AT YOUR PLACE.

WELL, WE WERE. I
CHANGED MY MIND.

CHRISSY AND JANET
ARE AT THE GYM,

SO NO ONE WILL BOTHER US HERE.

WELL, CAN I COME IN?

OH, SURE, UH... BUT. WILL YOU
LET ME PUT ON MY PANTS FIRST?

- OH.
- I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

(groans)

- Shirley: JACK?
- I'M COMING, SHIRLEY.

HURRY UP, MY BIG
STRONG GREEK GOD.

OKEY-DOKEY.

HI, JACK.

(screaming)

- WHAT?
- HI.

WELL... AREN'T YOU
GONNA HUG ME BACK?

MM-HMM, YOU BET.

(groans)

OH, IF YOU'RE TRYING TO
GET ME CRAZY, IT'S WORKING.

(groans)

WOW!

YOU LIKE THAT? I
WANT ANOTHER ONE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

SHIRLEY, WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE?

OH, LIKE OVER ON THE COUCH?

OVER ON THE COUCH, THAT'S FINE.

- JUST TAKE OFF MY SHOES.
- TAKE 'EM OFF.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME SIT BESIDE ME?

WAY OVER THERE?

WELL, OF COURSE, OVER HERE.

LISTEN, I TELL YOU WHAT...

YOU SHUT YOUR EYES AND I'LL
GIVE YOU A BIG SURPRISE, OKAY?

OH, GOOD, I LOVE SURPRISES.

(grunts)

OH, HURRY UP, I CAN'T WAIT.

JUST BE PATIENT AND I'LL MAKE
YOU A LUNCH YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.

DON'T MAKE ME SUFFER TOO LONG.

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

(whimpering)

AH AH AH.

(screams)

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

UH... WE'RE OUT OF EGGS.

GOOD, I WASN'T HUNGRY ANYWAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M BOWING BEFORE YOUR BEAUTY.

OH, JACK, YOU SILLY THING.

- STAND UP HERE.
- (groans)

AND GIVE ME A KISS.

(yelping)

DON'T FIGHT IT, JACK.

I KNOW YOU FEEL
THE SAME WAY I DO.

OH, I DON'T THINK
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

WHY DON'T YOU COME IN
HERE AND TELL ME ABOUT IT?

HOLD ME CLOSE, JACK.

SHIRLEY, I DON'T THINK I CAN.

I LOVE SHY MEN.

OH, THANKS, BUT...
SHIRLEY, SHIRLEY, SHIRLEY...

(both moaning)

- I KNOW, I KNOW.
- NO, YOU DON'T,
NO, YOU DON'T.

- SHIRLEY, LISTEN I...
- OH, JACK...

I FEEL A LITTLE DIZZY.
I THINK I'LL LIE DOWN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BEAT
AROUND THE BUSH WITH ME.

NO BEATING, NO BUSHES,
I'M JUST GONNA GO TO... AH!

I'M JUST GONNA GO IN HERE
AND JUST REST MY LITTLE HEAD.

- GOOD, I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
- NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
SHIRLEY...

WELL, HERE IT IS.

NICE PLACE. WHERE IS THE FOOD?

IT'S IN THE KITCHEN. I'LL MAKE
YOU LUNCH. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

I'D LIKE TO EAT A
NICE, LIGHT LUNCH.

I'LL TAKE 12 RAW
EGGS IN A GLASS.

IN A BIG GLASS,
OR A SMALL GLASS?

I'LL GET IT MYSELF.

CHRISSY, COULD I SEE
YOU OUT HERE... NOW?

HE'S GOT MUSCLES ALL OVER.
HE WAS FLEXING HIS EARLOBES.

CHRISSY, DID YOU BUY A NEW
PAIR OF SHOES? PLEASE, SAY YES.

YES.

WHEN DID YOU GET THEM?

WHAT?

- THE SHOES.
- THEY'RE NOT MINE.

YOU SAID THEY WERE YOURS.

BECAUSE YOU SAID TO SAY YES.

I DON'T WEAR SHOES LIKE THAT.

WELL, IF THESE AREN'T YOURS
AND THEY'RE NOT MINE, THEN...

(Shirley giggling)

I KNEW IT, THEY'RE
HERE. JACK AND SHIRLEY,

THEY CAME HERE INSTEAD OF GOING
TO HER PLACE. THESE ARE HER SHOES.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA GET
HARVEY OUT OF HERE.

(mumbling)

HEY, YOU WANNA TRY
SOMETHING REALLY HEALTHY?

- YEAH.
- YEAH, WE'D LOVE TO. IT'D BE JUST GREAT.

OH, JACK, I WAS RIGHT. MY
BROTHER HARVEY IS OUT THERE.

HARVEY'S YOUR BRO...
HARVEY'S YOUR BROTHER?

YEAH. AND HE'S GONNA KILL
YOU IF HE FINDS US HERE.

NO, NO, WE'LL JUST KEEP
QUIET. MAYBE HE'LL LEAVE.

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

- OH, NO.
- OH, NO, WHAT?

- I LEFT MY SHOES OUT
BY THE COUCH.
- OH, NO.

- RUN OUT AND GET THEM.
- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO! I CAN'T.

JUST GO.

WHAT WAS THAT?

- I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.
- I DIDN'T HEAR A DOOR
SLAM EITHER.

SOMEBODY'S OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, TWO
GIRLS LIVING ALONE?

YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO
SURE. I BETTER GO TAKE A LOOK.

Janet: OH, NO, HARVEY,
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.

I BETTER GO CHECK
OUT THE BEDROOM.

NO, HARVEY, NO! ISN'T
IN THERE, ISN'T IN THERE.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- WELL, UH...

WE'VE HAD A LOT OF BURGLARS
HERE AND THEY NEVER GO IN THERE.

- WHAT?
- AAH!

Harvey: NOBODY IN HERE.

I BETTER CHECK THE OTHER ROOM.

(grunts)

- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- Both: NO!

I BETTER CHECK THIS ROOM.

- YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
- WHY NOT?

BECAUSE... I DIDN'T MAKE MY BED.

Harvey: BUT A BURGLAR'S
LIABLE TO BE IN THERE.

YEAH, BUT I DON'T CARE
IF A BURGLAR SEES IT.

HE'S A STRANGER
AND YOU'RE COMPANY.

- Larry: HI, BUDDY. HOW YA DOING?
- (Jack groans)

YOU!

LOOK, LARRY, WHILE WE'VE
BEEN GONE, WE'VE GOT COMPANY.

WERE YOU OUT WITH MY SISTER?

ME? NO. I WAS OUT WITH...

- LARRY.
- LARRY.

(heaving) WE'VE BEEN JOGGING.

- RIGHT, LARRY?
- RIGHT.

(both heaving)

- JOG, JOGGING...
- WE WENT JOGGING.

IS HE TELLING THE TRUTH?

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

YES, HE IS. HE IS, AS
A MATTER OF FACT.

(heaving)

GEE, TRIPPER, I GUESS
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

WELL, IT'S OKAY, BIG FELLA.

SHAKE.

OH, OH, YEAH. THESE ARE... AH!

THESE ARE MY RUNNING SHOES.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE A LITTLE
TIGHT AND GOOD FOR THE MUSCLES.

- I'LL BE RUNNING ALONG. I'LL SEE YOU.
- HOLD IT!

THOSE ARE MY SISTER'S SHOES.

YOU WERE OUT WITH HER!

(Janet screams)

- DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?
- I SURE DO.

- I GOTTA GO AND GET SOME.
- WAIT, WAIT, LARRY.

HARVEY, LOOK... YOU
DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT
JACK TO HURT YOU.

- HURT ME?
- YEAH. IT JUST SO HAPPENS

THAT JACK WAS THE CAPTAIN
OF THE NAVY BOXING TEAM.

THAT'S RIGHT, SO
BACK OFF, BUDDY.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
SWALLOW YOUR NOSE.

- (girls screaming)
- YOU STOP IT.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO
HAVE A LIFE OF YOUR OWN,

YOU BETTER GET OUT THERE
AND TELL HARVEY RIGHT NOW.

THEN YOU CAN SAVE JACK'S
LIFE WHILE YOU'RE AT IT.

- TIME'S OVER.
- (Chrissy screams)

- MERCY, MERCY!
- DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM.

GET OUT OF THE WAY, SIS.

NO.

HARVEY, HARVEY...

NOW, I KNOW YOU DON'T THINK
THAT I CAN HANDLE MYSELF.

BUT I CAN.

IF A GUY STARTED TO
GET FRESH WITH ME.

- I'LL JUST DO THIS.
- (Jack squeals)

- SATISFIED?
- Jack: YEAH.

- BUT, SHIRLEY...
- BUT, NOTHING.

THERE'S GONNA BE SOME
CHANGES MADE HERE AND NOW.

FROM NOW ON, I'LL SEE
WHO I WANT, WHEN I WANT

- AND WHERE I WANT.
- (Jack grunts)

GET THAT? OR DO I
HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT?

DON'T SPELL, DON'T SPELL.

OKAY, OKAY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU FELT THIS WAY.

GEE, YOU TRY TO
HELP SOME PEOPLE...

- LET'S GO FINISH OUR
LUNCH IN THE KITCHEN.
- YEAH.

COME ON, HARVEY. THAT DRINK SOUNDED
PRETTY GOOD YOU WERE MAKING...

- Shirley: OH...
- (grunting)

SHIRLEY, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

LISTEN, WHEN...

WHEN I GET MY STRENGTH BACK,

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU
OUT ON A REAL DATE.

THANKS. BYE BYE.

- OH, JACK!
- MOMMY!

DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO
LEAVE YOU IN THIS CONDITION?

YOU'RE NOT?

NO. I KNOW HOW TO
GET THE KINKS OUT.

YOU DO?

YES, IT'S JUST THE THING TO
MAKE YOU FEEL WONDERFUL.

REALLY?

YES.

- EXERCISE.
- NO!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...

(Jack moans)

JACK, WE HAVE BEEN MASSAGING
YOU NOW FOR THREE DAYS.

IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT HELPS, JANET.

YOU KNOW, YOU DID
GO TO SCHOOL TODAY.

YEAH, BUT IT WAS AGONY. I PRACTICALLY
HAD TO CRAWL THE WHOLE WAY.

OH, GOOD, THEN YOU WON'T MIND
THAT I TOLD BARBARA JOHNSON

THAT YOU COULDN'T GO TO
HER DISCO PARTY TONIGHT.

YOU WHAT?

WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
HE REALLY HAD ME FOOLED.

NOT ME. BARBARA JOHNSON MOVED
OUT OF TOWN THREE WEEKS AGO.

GET OUTTA HERE. OH, YEAH, YEAH.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.