Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 13 - A Black Letter Day - full transcript
Lana sees an article in a newspaper's advice column wherein a guy says he is living with two girls and that's he's doing it with one of them. She assumes it's Jack. So she brings this to the attention of Janet who thinks it's not possible till she remembers that Crissy was cutting up the paper she assumes to keep her from seeing the article. So that's when things get unpleasant.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
- GOOD MORNING, CHRISSY.
- MORNING.
- YOUR BREAKFAST IS READY.
- OH, THANKS.
SAY, AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT OLD
TO BE CUTTING OUT PAPER DOLLS?
I'M CLIPPING COUPONS.
IT'S MY TURN TO DO
THE SHOPPING THIS WEEK
AND I SAVE A LOT
OF MONEY THIS WAY.
OH, YEAH? LET'S SEE.
SAVE 10¢ ON PAPER TOWELS.
SAVE 7¢ ON COFFEE.
SAVE 5¢ ON FLOUR.
SAVE $5?
CHRISSY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
WITH A 20 LB. BAG OF BIRDSEED?
PUT IT IN OUR BIRD FEEDER.
WE DON'T HAVE A BIRD FEEDER.
I KNOW, BUT WE CAN FOR $19.95.
WE CANNOT AFFORD
$19.95 FOR A BIRD FEEDER.
YES WE CAN. THIS COUPON SAYS
SAVE $5 ON A 20 LB. SACK OF BIRDSEED.
SO?
SO? WE BUY FOUR
SACKS OF BIRDSEED,
WE SAVE $20, WE SPEND $19.95
ON THE BIRDFEEDER AND
HAVE A NICKEL LEFTOVER.
GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
JANET, I BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.
HEY! OH, MY SWEATER!
- HEY, WHERE DID
YOU FIND THIS?
- IN MY BEDROOM.
IN YOUR BEDROOM? WHAT
WAS IT DOING IN THERE?
OH, COME ON. YOU REMEMBER.
LAST NIGHT, WITH THE
MOONLIGHT BEAMING
THROUGH MY BEDROOM
WINDOW, JUST YOU AND ME
AND ME AND YOU AND NOTHING
BETWEEN US BUT YOUR SWEATER.
BOY, JANET, AND YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE ONLY GOING
FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
YOU KNOW, I TRIED
TO FIGHT HER OFF,
BUT THERE'S JUST NO STOPPING
A LOVE-STARVED WOMAN.
MERCY.
JACK, COME BACK HERE!
OOH, BOY.
HE HAS GOT SOME KIND OF
IMAGINATION, DOESN'T HE?
YEAH. (giggles)
HOW DID YOUR SWEATER
GET IN JACK'S BEDROOM?
I DON'T KNOW, CHRISSY.
IT MUST HAVE GOTTEN MIXED
UP IN THE DRY CLEANING.
OKAY, I GOT TO GET
GOING TO SCHOOL.
- YOU GUYS COMING?
- NOT ME, I'VE GOT
TO DO THINGS HERE.
- I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- GREAT, I'LL GIVE YOU
A LIFT TO YOUR OFFICE.
- JACK, WE DON'T HAVE A CAR.
- I KNOW.
JACK!
HONK, HONK.
- (doorbell rings)
- AH...
- HI, LANA. COME ON IN.
- OH, JANET!
OH, POOR DEAR JANET.
I JUST FOUND OUT
AND I'M SO SORRY.
- LANA...
- IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, YOU MUST NOT HAVE READ
"DEAR ABBY" IN TODAY'S PAPER.
I DON'T READ ADVICE COLUMNS.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IN THEM.
- OH.
THERE'S SOMETHING
IN "DEAR ABBY" TODAY
THAT I THINK YOU JUST
MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.
OKAY, I'LL READ "DEAR ABBY."
(giggles)
OOPS. NO, I CAN'T.
CHRISSY WAS CUTTING
UP THE PAPER EARLIER.
I FIGURED SHE WOULD. THAT'S
WHY I BROUGHT MY PAPER.
YOU DID?
OKAY.
"DEAR ABBY, I AM A SIAMESE TWIN.
I LIKE GOING OUT WITH BOYS.
HOW CAN I KEEP MY SISTER
FROM TAGGING ALONG?"
NO, NO. THE ONE BELOW IT.
"DEAR ABBY, I AM A SINGLE MAN
SHARING AN APARTMENT
WITH TWO GIRLS.
I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH ONE OF THEM.
HOW CAN WE GET THE OTHER GIRL TO
MOVE OUT WITHOUT HURTING HER FEELINGS?
SIGNED, 'COOKIE'"
THAT'S IT?
OH, IT'S SO SAD!
LANA, EXACTLY WHAT IS
IT THAT'S TROUBLING YOU?
I THOUGHT CHRISSY
WAS THE DUMB ONE.
DON'T YOU SEE THAT LETTER?
A SINGLE MAN LIVING
WITH TWO GIRLS.
- MM-HM.
- THAT'S JACK AND YOU
AND CHRISSY.
WHAT?!
LANA!
I'M NOT HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH JACK.
WELL... SOMEBODY IS.
WHO? CHRISSY?
OH, COME ON. JACK AND
CHRISSY HAVING AN AFFAIR?
- NO.
- WELL...
WHY DID CHRISSY
CUT OUT THIS PAPER
SO YOU COULDN'T READ IT?
SHE WAS CUTTING OUT COUPONS.
- OH, COUPONS.
- BESIDES, THIS ARTICLE
WAS WRITTEN BY
SOMEBODY NAMED "COOKIE."
COOKIE.
JACK IS A COOK.
(clears throat) IT'S
GETTING LATE, LANA.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, BUT
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE TO GET READY
FOR WORK NOW.
WELL... (gasps)
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?
(laughs) ABOUT WHAT?
THERE ISN'T ANYTHING
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT.
OH. WELL...
I GUESS PEOPLE BELIEVE
WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE.
CIAO.
(screeching unintelligibly)
HOW YOU DOING, CHRISSY?
HUH? WHAT? OH, I SEE.
LARRY, THIS IS PROBABLY
THE MOST EXCITING DAY
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!
MORE EXCITING THAN THE
DAY YOU MET ME? HA HA HA!
I WAS AT THE MARKET
AND THE BOX BOY
GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE ENVELOPES
THAT YOU OPEN ON THE DOTTED LINE
- AND I OPENED IT
AND GUESS WHAT?!
- WHAT?
I WAS AN INSTANT WINNER IN
THE SUPERMARKET SWEEPSTAKES!
OH-HO! CHRISSY, FANTASTIC!
WHAT DID YOU WIN?
- THE TRIP TO HAWAII?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
OH, OH, OH. I KNOW, I KNOW.
- YOU WON THE STATION WAGON.
- NO.
A MONTH'S FREE GROCERIES, RIGHT?
NOPE.
- WHAT DID YOU WIN?
- YOU'RE HOLDING IT.
IT'S IN THE BAG.
YOU WON A GIANT EYEDROPPER?
NO, SILLY, IT'S A TURKEY BASTER.
OH.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- OH, THANK YOU!
YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER
WON ANYTHING BEFORE
IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.
I MUST BE GETTING SMARTER.
- Lana: CHRISSY!
- HUH?
OH...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
"CONGRATULATIONS."
OH, THANKS, BUT IT
WAS REALLY ONLY LUCK.
WELL... DON'T BE SO MODEST.
THE BEST WOMAN WON.
YOU COULD WIN TOO!
YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
- I DO?
- YEAH!
WITH A LITTLE LUCK, YOU CAN
WIN YOUR OWN TURKEY BASTER.
TURKEY BASTER?
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH
YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JACK?
ME HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JACK?
- WHERE'D YOU
GET THAT IDEA?
- RIGHT HERE!
TWO GIRLS LIVING
WITH A GUY. HUH.
- THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
- WELL, IT OUGHT TO. IT'S YOU.
ME?
I'M NOT HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH JACK.
THEN I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!
IT MUST BE JANET.
JANET AND JACK?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HAVE YOU NOTICED
ANYTHING DIFFERENT
ABOUT THEM LATELY?
LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU
WOULDN'T ORDINARILY NOTICE, LIKE...
LOOKS THAT THEY GIVE EACH OTHER?
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?
YES!
NOPE, THEY NEVER DO THAT.
OH.
WELL...
WHAT ABOUT THE THINGS
THAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER,
THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT.
LIKE, AT BREAKFAST,
FOR INSTANCE?
BREAKFAST? NO.
(gasps) THE SWEATER!
JANET LEFT HER SWEATER IN
JACK'S BEDROOM LAST NIGHT!
YOU SEE?
THE ROOMMATE IS
ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
WHO'S THERE? HELLO, WHO...
OH. IT'S YOU.
EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE?
- LIKE JACK?
- NO, NOT REALLY.
- JANET...
- HM?
DO YOU THINK WHEN TWO PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN VERY, VERY CLOSE
AND ONE OF THEM HAS
SOMETHING TO TELL THE OTHER,
EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT
HURT, THEY SHOULD TELL THEM?
YES, I DO.
SO DO I.
WELL?
WELL?
DON'T YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL ME?
DON'T YOU?
NO!
NEITHER DO I!
(huffs)
HAVE A GOOD TIME SHOPPING?
USE UP ALL YOUR LITTLE
COUPONS, DID YOU?
YOU KNOW, DEAR,
YOU REALLY SHOULD
BE MORE CAREFUL
WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR
CLOTHES LYING AROUND.
ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.
I DON'T SEE WHY THAT'S
ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
OH, WELL... I WASN'T THE ONE
WHO SUPPOSEDLY WENT FOR
A GLASS OF WATER LAST NIGHT.
SUPPOSEDLY? CHRISSY,
IF IT'S WATER YOU WANT,
- I THINK THAT
CAN BE ARRANGED.
- DON'T YOU DARE!
AH, CHRISSY! DON'T YOU
DARE, CHRISSY! I'LL THROW...
HEY! HI, CHRISSY. HOW'S
MY FAVORITE BLONDE?
(growls)
HEY, WHAT'S WITH HER?
SHE KNOWS SHE'S MY
FAVORITE BRUNETTE.
HEY, LISTEN, IF YOU GUYS
WANT TO PLAY WITH WATER
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ALL
TAKE A BATH TOGETHER?
IT'S A JOKE. YOU KNOW, "HA HA"?
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
ASK JANET.
OKAY, JANET, WHAT'S GOING ON?
ASK CHRISSY.
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
GOING ON AROUND HERE,
DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD KNOW?
IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
THEN NOBODY KNOWS,
BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW AND
YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.
NOW I KNOW.
OKAY, IF YOU TWO WANT
TO PLAY GUESSING GAMES,
GUESS WHO'S GONNA
COOK DINNER TONIGHT?
- WHO?
- IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE ME. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IF YOU THINK I'M MOVING
OUT, YOU'RE CRAZY.
DON'T CALL ME CRAZY.
THEN YOU WERE THINKING IT.
WELL, MISSY, I'M NOT
GOING ANYWHERE!
JANET... I THINK IT'S
TIME WE HAD A TALK.
I THINK THAT'S AN
EXCELLENT IDEA.
GOOD.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GO INTO DETAILS,
JUST TELL ME YES OR
NO. WHAT'S THE ANSWER?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WHAT'S THE ANSWER"?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THE QUESTION IS.
OH, SURE! PLAY DUMB.
(sighs)
(slurping)
MUST YOU DO THAT?
- DO WHAT?
- SLURP YOUR COFFEE.
(scoffs)
SLURPING IS A LOT
BETTER THAN WHAT YOU DO.
YOU KEEP ME UP HALF
THE NIGHT, MAKING NOISES.
WHAT NOISES?
YOU MUMBLE ALL THE TIME.
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN
THAT I TALK IN MY SLEEP?
IF YOU TALKED IN YOUR
SLEEP, IT WOULD BE FINE,
BUT YOU MUMBLE ALL NIGHT LONG,
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
A THING YOU SAY
AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
WELL, AT LEAST I
KNOW HOW TO LAUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO? (snorting)
OH... REALLY?
OH... REALLY.
- (slurping)
- (cackling)
(snorting)
HEY, LANA. LET ME
HAVE A BEER, WILL YOU?
HOW'S IT GOING?
(groaning)
THAT GOOD, HUH?
IT'S JACK.
HE'S FINALLY SETTLED
ON A YOUNGER WOMAN.
ANYBODY I KNOW?
NEXT TIME I SEE JANET, I'M
GONNA SCRATCH HER EYES OUT.
EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SAY JANET?
YES, JANET.
OR CHRISSY.
HUH?
HERE. READ IT AND WEEP.
IT'S ALL THERE IN
BLACK AND WHITE.
"DEAR ABBY, I AM
A SIAMESE TWIN..."
NO, NO! THE ONE BELOW IT.
OH HI, GUYS. YOU
MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
YOU STAY AWAY FROM
ME, YOU... YOU BEAST!
THAT IS THE THIRD TIME TODAY.
WHAT, IS MY HAIR ON
FIRE OR SOMETHING?
BOY, MAN, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY
TO GET INVOLVED WITH WOMEN.
(chuckles)
- WHICH ONE?
- WHAT?
- JANET OR CHRISSY?
- BOTH.
- BOTH?
- LARRY, YOU
WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING
IN THAT APARTMENT.
(laughs)
YES, I WOULD. I HEARD.
COME ON, BUDDY. TELL
ME, HOW DID IT START?
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, JANET
LET ME HAVE IT IN THE KITCHEN.
IN THE KITCHEN?
AND AFTER SHE LEFT,
CHRISSY GAVE IT TO ME, TOO.
- IN THE KITCHEN?
- YEAH, OVER BY THE STOVE.
DAMN, I'M GONNA
LEARN HOW TO COOK.
LARRY, I JUST CAN'T
TAKE MUCH MORE OF IT.
- THAT'S ALL.
- WOW.
OH, IS THAT WHY YOU
WROTE THE LETTER?
- WHAT LETTER?
- THIS LETTER.
"DEAR ABBY, I'M
A SIAMESE TWIN..."
ONE BELOW IT.
BOY, JACK, YOU ARE
ONE HECK OF AN ACTOR.
ALL THIS TIME YOU
HAD ME BELIEVING
THERE WAS NOTHING GOING
ON BETWEEN YOU AND THE GIRLS.
THERE ISN'T. I DIDN'T
WRITE THIS LETTER.
- YOU DIDN'T?
- NO.
BUT JANET AND CHRISSY
MUST HAVE READ IT
AND NOW EACH THINKS I'M
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE OTHER.
- WOW.
- THAT REALLY BURNS ME UP.
YOU'D THINK AFTER LIVING TOGETHER
FOR THREE YEARS, THEY'D KNOW ME BETTER.
HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO HANDLE THIS?
I'M GONNA TEACH THEM A
LESSON THEY WON'T FORGET.
(whimpers)
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
AS LONG AS WE'RE RETURNING
THINGS, GIVE ME BACK MY TIGHTS.
- YOU GAVE ME THESE.
- I DID NOT.
I JUST LOANED THEM TO YOU.
WELL, I'M NOT FINISHED
BORROWING THEM YET.
CHRISSY, GIVE ME MY TIGHTS.
- THEY ARE MY TIGHTS
AND YOU KNOW IT!
- YOU GAVE THEM TO ME!
- I DIDN'T GIVE THEM TO YOU.
- YOU DID TOO!
(screams)
HERE, KEEP THEM.
JANET... CHRISSY...
I KNOW I'VE MESSED
UP YOUR LIVES,
BUT I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I WAS STUPID, SELFISH
AND UNTHINKING.
DON'T FORGET LOW AND DISGUSTING.
YES, THOSE TOO.
(tearfully) AND THAT'S WHY...
I'M NOT FIT TO LIVE WITH YOU.
(melodramatic sob) IN FACT...
I'M NOT FIT TO LIVE
AND I'M GOING TO PUT AN END
TO THIS MISERABLE LIFE OF MINE!
- WHAT?
- DO WE HAVE ANY
ROPE IN THE HOUSE?
- DO WE HAVE ANY ROPE IN THE...
- NO!
THEN THERE ARE OTHER WAYS!
- YOU DON'T THINK THAT HE...
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO...
JACK! HEY, JACK!
- NO, JACK, DON'T!
- DON'T STOP ME!
DON'T!
A KNIFE! THAT'LL DO IT.
JACK, NO! YOU'LL CUT YOURSELF!
JACK, ARE YOU CRAZY?
MY MIND IS MADE
UP! I'M GONNA DO IT!
- OVER MY DEAD BODY!
- NO, OVER MINE.
OH, JACK!
WILL YOU GIVE ME A BREAK HERE?
OH!
- JACK? JACK?
- WHERE'D HE GO?
- LET'S CHECK
THE BEDROOMS.
- (whimpering)
WHERE IS HE? HE JUST COULDN'T
DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!
- Jack: CHECK THE BATHROOM!
- Both: THE BATHROOM!
OH! CHRISSY! JACK!
- JACK, COME OUT OF THERE!
- NO!
AT LEAST HE CAN'T
KILL HIMSELF IN THERE.
OF COURSE HE CAN.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO,
WASH HIMSELF TO DEATH?
- HE COULD TAKE PILLS.
- HE COULD TAKE...
HE... JACK!
JACK, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT
I'VE DONE. GOODBYE, ALL!
- (both gasp)
- OH, JANET...
JANET, TELL JACK YOU LOVE HIM!
- DON'T LET HIM DIE!
- ME?! YOU TELL HIM!
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
DROVE HIM TO THIS.
HOW COULD I? YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM!
- I AM NOT. YOU ARE.
- I AM?
- AREN'T YOU?
- NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
- NO.
- THAT LETTER IN THE
NEWSPAPER THIS MORN...
(gasps) YOU MEAN THAT
"DEAR ABBY" THING?
YOU READ IT TOO?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
JACK'S LIVING WITH TWO
OTHER GIRLS BEHIND OUR BACKS!
CHRISSY! IT MEANS THAT
WE WERE BOTH WRONG.
THEN WHY'S HE
TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF?
HE ISN'T. DON'T YOU SEE?
WELL, IF HE ISN'T, HE
SURE HAS ME FOOLED.
I THINK THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.
HE'S TRYING TO FOOL
A COUPLE OF FOOLS.
YEAH, YOU AND... OF
COURSE US, WHO ELSE?!
OH. WELL WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
LET'S JUST PLAY ALONG, CHRISSY.
I GOT AN IDEA. COME ON.
OH, CHRISSY! WE'D BETTER
CALL AN AMBULANCE!
DON'T BOTHER TO
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
IT'S TOO LATE. NOTHING
CAN SAVE ME NOW.
I'VE TAKEN ALL OF THESE.
- OH, POOR JACK!
- OH, POOR JACK.
(breathing heavy)
I'M GETTING SO LIGHT-HEADED.
(whines)
MY LIFE IS PASSING
BEFORE MY EYES...
(gasps)
AREN'T YOU MRS. WILKINSON,
MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER?
MOMMY!
DON'T WORRY, MOMMY.
I'LL BRING HOME THE MILK.
DON'T CRY.
IT'S A FAR, FAR BETTER
PLACE THAT I GO TO,
WHERE YOU TRUST
THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE,
AND I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.
(wheezes, gasps)
GOODBYE.
WELL...
- I GUESS HE'S GONE.
- AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SUFFER.
CHRISSY, YOU KNOW ALL THOSE
TERRIBLE THINGS I SAID TO YOU,
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN THEM.
OH, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T...
AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT
EITHER AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
- HM?
- I'M SORRY ABOUT
YOUR TIGHTS.
I'LL BUY YOU A NEW PAIR.
CHRISSY... IT WAS MY FAULT
- I'LL BUY
THE NEW ONES.
- NO, NO, NO.
I RUINED THEM. IT'S MY FAULT.
I'LL BUY YOU NEW TIGHTS.
TIGHTS?! TIGHTS?!
I'M GASPING MY LAST BREATH
AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TIGHTS?
GET BACK DOWN THERE.
YOU'RE DEAD, REMEMBER?
JACK, WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH.
AND WHY YOU'RE DOING IT. WE
ACTED REALLY DUMB AND WE'RE SORRY.
YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T
EVEN TRY TO SAVE ME.
OH MY. HE'S RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S GIVE HIM SOME
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
(slurps)
I'M SORRY, JANET. I
DIDN'T MEAN TO SLURP.
- HONEST, I DIDN'T.
- THAT'S OKAY, CHRISSY.
THE TRUTH IS, IT REALLY
DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME WHEN
YOU MUMBLE AT NIGHT, EITHER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CHRISSY SLURPS HER COFFEE,
YOU MUMBLE AT NIGHT. BIG DEAL.
YEAH AND YOU SUCK
YOUR THUMB IN YOUR SLEEP.
NO, I DON'T.
YOU DO SO.
I SHOULD KNOW IF I SUCK
MY THUMB IN MY SLEEP.
IF YOU'RE ASLEEP,
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT I DO IN MY SLEEP?
HUH?
HA HA HA-HA!
WAIT A MINUTE, HOW
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
IN MY OWN BEDROOM,
WHEN I AM ASLEEP?!
GET BACK HERE!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
- GOOD MORNING, CHRISSY.
- MORNING.
- YOUR BREAKFAST IS READY.
- OH, THANKS.
SAY, AREN'T YOU A LITTLE BIT OLD
TO BE CUTTING OUT PAPER DOLLS?
I'M CLIPPING COUPONS.
IT'S MY TURN TO DO
THE SHOPPING THIS WEEK
AND I SAVE A LOT
OF MONEY THIS WAY.
OH, YEAH? LET'S SEE.
SAVE 10¢ ON PAPER TOWELS.
SAVE 7¢ ON COFFEE.
SAVE 5¢ ON FLOUR.
SAVE $5?
CHRISSY, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO
WITH A 20 LB. BAG OF BIRDSEED?
PUT IT IN OUR BIRD FEEDER.
WE DON'T HAVE A BIRD FEEDER.
I KNOW, BUT WE CAN FOR $19.95.
WE CANNOT AFFORD
$19.95 FOR A BIRD FEEDER.
YES WE CAN. THIS COUPON SAYS
SAVE $5 ON A 20 LB. SACK OF BIRDSEED.
SO?
SO? WE BUY FOUR
SACKS OF BIRDSEED,
WE SAVE $20, WE SPEND $19.95
ON THE BIRDFEEDER AND
HAVE A NICKEL LEFTOVER.
GOOD MORNING, LADIES.
JANET, I BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.
HEY! OH, MY SWEATER!
- HEY, WHERE DID
YOU FIND THIS?
- IN MY BEDROOM.
IN YOUR BEDROOM? WHAT
WAS IT DOING IN THERE?
OH, COME ON. YOU REMEMBER.
LAST NIGHT, WITH THE
MOONLIGHT BEAMING
THROUGH MY BEDROOM
WINDOW, JUST YOU AND ME
AND ME AND YOU AND NOTHING
BETWEEN US BUT YOUR SWEATER.
BOY, JANET, AND YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE ONLY GOING
FOR A GLASS OF WATER.
YOU KNOW, I TRIED
TO FIGHT HER OFF,
BUT THERE'S JUST NO STOPPING
A LOVE-STARVED WOMAN.
MERCY.
JACK, COME BACK HERE!
OOH, BOY.
HE HAS GOT SOME KIND OF
IMAGINATION, DOESN'T HE?
YEAH. (giggles)
HOW DID YOUR SWEATER
GET IN JACK'S BEDROOM?
I DON'T KNOW, CHRISSY.
IT MUST HAVE GOTTEN MIXED
UP IN THE DRY CLEANING.
OKAY, I GOT TO GET
GOING TO SCHOOL.
- YOU GUYS COMING?
- NOT ME, I'VE GOT
TO DO THINGS HERE.
- I'LL GO WITH YOU.
- GREAT, I'LL GIVE YOU
A LIFT TO YOUR OFFICE.
- JACK, WE DON'T HAVE A CAR.
- I KNOW.
JACK!
HONK, HONK.
- (doorbell rings)
- AH...
- HI, LANA. COME ON IN.
- OH, JANET!
OH, POOR DEAR JANET.
I JUST FOUND OUT
AND I'M SO SORRY.
- LANA...
- IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
OH, YOU MUST NOT HAVE READ
"DEAR ABBY" IN TODAY'S PAPER.
I DON'T READ ADVICE COLUMNS.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IN THEM.
- OH.
THERE'S SOMETHING
IN "DEAR ABBY" TODAY
THAT I THINK YOU JUST
MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.
OKAY, I'LL READ "DEAR ABBY."
(giggles)
OOPS. NO, I CAN'T.
CHRISSY WAS CUTTING
UP THE PAPER EARLIER.
I FIGURED SHE WOULD. THAT'S
WHY I BROUGHT MY PAPER.
YOU DID?
OKAY.
"DEAR ABBY, I AM A SIAMESE TWIN.
I LIKE GOING OUT WITH BOYS.
HOW CAN I KEEP MY SISTER
FROM TAGGING ALONG?"
NO, NO. THE ONE BELOW IT.
"DEAR ABBY, I AM A SINGLE MAN
SHARING AN APARTMENT
WITH TWO GIRLS.
I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH ONE OF THEM.
HOW CAN WE GET THE OTHER GIRL TO
MOVE OUT WITHOUT HURTING HER FEELINGS?
SIGNED, 'COOKIE'"
THAT'S IT?
OH, IT'S SO SAD!
LANA, EXACTLY WHAT IS
IT THAT'S TROUBLING YOU?
I THOUGHT CHRISSY
WAS THE DUMB ONE.
DON'T YOU SEE THAT LETTER?
A SINGLE MAN LIVING
WITH TWO GIRLS.
- MM-HM.
- THAT'S JACK AND YOU
AND CHRISSY.
WHAT?!
LANA!
I'M NOT HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH JACK.
WELL... SOMEBODY IS.
WHO? CHRISSY?
OH, COME ON. JACK AND
CHRISSY HAVING AN AFFAIR?
- NO.
- WELL...
WHY DID CHRISSY
CUT OUT THIS PAPER
SO YOU COULDN'T READ IT?
SHE WAS CUTTING OUT COUPONS.
- OH, COUPONS.
- BESIDES, THIS ARTICLE
WAS WRITTEN BY
SOMEBODY NAMED "COOKIE."
COOKIE.
JACK IS A COOK.
(clears throat) IT'S
GETTING LATE, LANA.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, BUT
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.
I HAVE TO GET READY
FOR WORK NOW.
WELL... (gasps)
AREN'T YOU GOING TO
DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS?
(laughs) ABOUT WHAT?
THERE ISN'T ANYTHING
TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT.
OH. WELL...
I GUESS PEOPLE BELIEVE
WHAT THEY WANT TO BELIEVE.
CIAO.
(screeching unintelligibly)
HOW YOU DOING, CHRISSY?
HUH? WHAT? OH, I SEE.
LARRY, THIS IS PROBABLY
THE MOST EXCITING DAY
OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!
MORE EXCITING THAN THE
DAY YOU MET ME? HA HA HA!
I WAS AT THE MARKET
AND THE BOX BOY
GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE ENVELOPES
THAT YOU OPEN ON THE DOTTED LINE
- AND I OPENED IT
AND GUESS WHAT?!
- WHAT?
I WAS AN INSTANT WINNER IN
THE SUPERMARKET SWEEPSTAKES!
OH-HO! CHRISSY, FANTASTIC!
WHAT DID YOU WIN?
- THE TRIP TO HAWAII?
- WELL, NOT EXACTLY.
OH, OH, OH. I KNOW, I KNOW.
- YOU WON THE STATION WAGON.
- NO.
A MONTH'S FREE GROCERIES, RIGHT?
NOPE.
- WHAT DID YOU WIN?
- YOU'RE HOLDING IT.
IT'S IN THE BAG.
YOU WON A GIANT EYEDROPPER?
NO, SILLY, IT'S A TURKEY BASTER.
OH.
- CONGRATULATIONS.
- OH, THANK YOU!
YOU KNOW, I HAVE NEVER
WON ANYTHING BEFORE
IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.
I MUST BE GETTING SMARTER.
- Lana: CHRISSY!
- HUH?
OH...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY
"CONGRATULATIONS."
OH, THANKS, BUT IT
WAS REALLY ONLY LUCK.
WELL... DON'T BE SO MODEST.
THE BEST WOMAN WON.
YOU COULD WIN TOO!
YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
- I DO?
- YEAH!
WITH A LITTLE LUCK, YOU CAN
WIN YOUR OWN TURKEY BASTER.
TURKEY BASTER?
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH
YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JACK?
ME HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH JACK?
- WHERE'D YOU
GET THAT IDEA?
- RIGHT HERE!
TWO GIRLS LIVING
WITH A GUY. HUH.
- THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
- WELL, IT OUGHT TO. IT'S YOU.
ME?
I'M NOT HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH JACK.
THEN I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG!
IT MUST BE JANET.
JANET AND JACK?
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HAVE YOU NOTICED
ANYTHING DIFFERENT
ABOUT THEM LATELY?
LITTLE THINGS THAT YOU
WOULDN'T ORDINARILY NOTICE, LIKE...
LOOKS THAT THEY GIVE EACH OTHER?
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?
YES!
NOPE, THEY NEVER DO THAT.
OH.
WELL...
WHAT ABOUT THE THINGS
THAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER,
THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT.
LIKE, AT BREAKFAST,
FOR INSTANCE?
BREAKFAST? NO.
(gasps) THE SWEATER!
JANET LEFT HER SWEATER IN
JACK'S BEDROOM LAST NIGHT!
YOU SEE?
THE ROOMMATE IS
ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW.
WHO'S THERE? HELLO, WHO...
OH. IT'S YOU.
EXPECTING SOMEONE ELSE?
- LIKE JACK?
- NO, NOT REALLY.
- JANET...
- HM?
DO YOU THINK WHEN TWO PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN VERY, VERY CLOSE
AND ONE OF THEM HAS
SOMETHING TO TELL THE OTHER,
EVEN THOUGH IT MIGHT
HURT, THEY SHOULD TELL THEM?
YES, I DO.
SO DO I.
WELL?
WELL?
DON'T YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO TELL ME?
DON'T YOU?
NO!
NEITHER DO I!
(huffs)
HAVE A GOOD TIME SHOPPING?
USE UP ALL YOUR LITTLE
COUPONS, DID YOU?
YOU KNOW, DEAR,
YOU REALLY SHOULD
BE MORE CAREFUL
WHEN YOU LEAVE YOUR
CLOTHES LYING AROUND.
ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT.
I DON'T SEE WHY THAT'S
ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.
OH, WELL... I WASN'T THE ONE
WHO SUPPOSEDLY WENT FOR
A GLASS OF WATER LAST NIGHT.
SUPPOSEDLY? CHRISSY,
IF IT'S WATER YOU WANT,
- I THINK THAT
CAN BE ARRANGED.
- DON'T YOU DARE!
AH, CHRISSY! DON'T YOU
DARE, CHRISSY! I'LL THROW...
HEY! HI, CHRISSY. HOW'S
MY FAVORITE BLONDE?
(growls)
HEY, WHAT'S WITH HER?
SHE KNOWS SHE'S MY
FAVORITE BRUNETTE.
HEY, LISTEN, IF YOU GUYS
WANT TO PLAY WITH WATER
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ALL
TAKE A BATH TOGETHER?
IT'S A JOKE. YOU KNOW, "HA HA"?
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?
ASK JANET.
OKAY, JANET, WHAT'S GOING ON?
ASK CHRISSY.
IF THERE'S SOMETHING
GOING ON AROUND HERE,
DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD KNOW?
IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
THEN NOBODY KNOWS,
BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW AND
YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER.
NOW I KNOW.
OKAY, IF YOU TWO WANT
TO PLAY GUESSING GAMES,
GUESS WHO'S GONNA
COOK DINNER TONIGHT?
- WHO?
- IF YOU DON'T KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I KNOW IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE ME. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IF YOU THINK I'M MOVING
OUT, YOU'RE CRAZY.
DON'T CALL ME CRAZY.
THEN YOU WERE THINKING IT.
WELL, MISSY, I'M NOT
GOING ANYWHERE!
JANET... I THINK IT'S
TIME WE HAD A TALK.
I THINK THAT'S AN
EXCELLENT IDEA.
GOOD.
NOW YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GO INTO DETAILS,
JUST TELL ME YES OR
NO. WHAT'S THE ANSWER?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WHAT'S THE ANSWER"?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THE QUESTION IS.
OH, SURE! PLAY DUMB.
(sighs)
(slurping)
MUST YOU DO THAT?
- DO WHAT?
- SLURP YOUR COFFEE.
(scoffs)
SLURPING IS A LOT
BETTER THAN WHAT YOU DO.
YOU KEEP ME UP HALF
THE NIGHT, MAKING NOISES.
WHAT NOISES?
YOU MUMBLE ALL THE TIME.
IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN
THAT I TALK IN MY SLEEP?
IF YOU TALKED IN YOUR
SLEEP, IT WOULD BE FINE,
BUT YOU MUMBLE ALL NIGHT LONG,
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
A THING YOU SAY
AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
WELL, AT LEAST I
KNOW HOW TO LAUGH.
WHAT DO YOU DO? (snorting)
OH... REALLY?
OH... REALLY.
- (slurping)
- (cackling)
(snorting)
HEY, LANA. LET ME
HAVE A BEER, WILL YOU?
HOW'S IT GOING?
(groaning)
THAT GOOD, HUH?
IT'S JACK.
HE'S FINALLY SETTLED
ON A YOUNGER WOMAN.
ANYBODY I KNOW?
NEXT TIME I SEE JANET, I'M
GONNA SCRATCH HER EYES OUT.
EXCUSE ME, DID YOU SAY JANET?
YES, JANET.
OR CHRISSY.
HUH?
HERE. READ IT AND WEEP.
IT'S ALL THERE IN
BLACK AND WHITE.
"DEAR ABBY, I AM
A SIAMESE TWIN..."
NO, NO! THE ONE BELOW IT.
OH HI, GUYS. YOU
MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
YOU STAY AWAY FROM
ME, YOU... YOU BEAST!
THAT IS THE THIRD TIME TODAY.
WHAT, IS MY HAIR ON
FIRE OR SOMETHING?
BOY, MAN, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY
TO GET INVOLVED WITH WOMEN.
(chuckles)
- WHICH ONE?
- WHAT?
- JANET OR CHRISSY?
- BOTH.
- BOTH?
- LARRY, YOU
WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING
IN THAT APARTMENT.
(laughs)
YES, I WOULD. I HEARD.
COME ON, BUDDY. TELL
ME, HOW DID IT START?
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, JANET
LET ME HAVE IT IN THE KITCHEN.
IN THE KITCHEN?
AND AFTER SHE LEFT,
CHRISSY GAVE IT TO ME, TOO.
- IN THE KITCHEN?
- YEAH, OVER BY THE STOVE.
DAMN, I'M GONNA
LEARN HOW TO COOK.
LARRY, I JUST CAN'T
TAKE MUCH MORE OF IT.
- THAT'S ALL.
- WOW.
OH, IS THAT WHY YOU
WROTE THE LETTER?
- WHAT LETTER?
- THIS LETTER.
"DEAR ABBY, I'M
A SIAMESE TWIN..."
ONE BELOW IT.
BOY, JACK, YOU ARE
ONE HECK OF AN ACTOR.
ALL THIS TIME YOU
HAD ME BELIEVING
THERE WAS NOTHING GOING
ON BETWEEN YOU AND THE GIRLS.
THERE ISN'T. I DIDN'T
WRITE THIS LETTER.
- YOU DIDN'T?
- NO.
BUT JANET AND CHRISSY
MUST HAVE READ IT
AND NOW EACH THINKS I'M
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THE OTHER.
- WOW.
- THAT REALLY BURNS ME UP.
YOU'D THINK AFTER LIVING TOGETHER
FOR THREE YEARS, THEY'D KNOW ME BETTER.
HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO HANDLE THIS?
I'M GONNA TEACH THEM A
LESSON THEY WON'T FORGET.
(whimpers)
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
AS LONG AS WE'RE RETURNING
THINGS, GIVE ME BACK MY TIGHTS.
- YOU GAVE ME THESE.
- I DID NOT.
I JUST LOANED THEM TO YOU.
WELL, I'M NOT FINISHED
BORROWING THEM YET.
CHRISSY, GIVE ME MY TIGHTS.
- THEY ARE MY TIGHTS
AND YOU KNOW IT!
- YOU GAVE THEM TO ME!
- I DIDN'T GIVE THEM TO YOU.
- YOU DID TOO!
(screams)
HERE, KEEP THEM.
JANET... CHRISSY...
I KNOW I'VE MESSED
UP YOUR LIVES,
BUT I COULDN'T HELP MYSELF.
I WAS STUPID, SELFISH
AND UNTHINKING.
DON'T FORGET LOW AND DISGUSTING.
YES, THOSE TOO.
(tearfully) AND THAT'S WHY...
I'M NOT FIT TO LIVE WITH YOU.
(melodramatic sob) IN FACT...
I'M NOT FIT TO LIVE
AND I'M GOING TO PUT AN END
TO THIS MISERABLE LIFE OF MINE!
- WHAT?
- DO WE HAVE ANY
ROPE IN THE HOUSE?
- DO WE HAVE ANY ROPE IN THE...
- NO!
THEN THERE ARE OTHER WAYS!
- YOU DON'T THINK THAT HE...
- NO, I DON'T THINK SO...
JACK! HEY, JACK!
- NO, JACK, DON'T!
- DON'T STOP ME!
DON'T!
A KNIFE! THAT'LL DO IT.
JACK, NO! YOU'LL CUT YOURSELF!
JACK, ARE YOU CRAZY?
MY MIND IS MADE
UP! I'M GONNA DO IT!
- OVER MY DEAD BODY!
- NO, OVER MINE.
OH, JACK!
WILL YOU GIVE ME A BREAK HERE?
OH!
- JACK? JACK?
- WHERE'D HE GO?
- LET'S CHECK
THE BEDROOMS.
- (whimpering)
WHERE IS HE? HE JUST COULDN'T
DISAPPEAR INTO THIN AIR!
- Jack: CHECK THE BATHROOM!
- Both: THE BATHROOM!
OH! CHRISSY! JACK!
- JACK, COME OUT OF THERE!
- NO!
AT LEAST HE CAN'T
KILL HIMSELF IN THERE.
OF COURSE HE CAN.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO,
WASH HIMSELF TO DEATH?
- HE COULD TAKE PILLS.
- HE COULD TAKE...
HE... JACK!
JACK, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
TO MAKE UP FOR WHAT
I'VE DONE. GOODBYE, ALL!
- (both gasp)
- OH, JANET...
JANET, TELL JACK YOU LOVE HIM!
- DON'T LET HIM DIE!
- ME?! YOU TELL HIM!
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
DROVE HIM TO THIS.
HOW COULD I? YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM!
- I AM NOT. YOU ARE.
- I AM?
- AREN'T YOU?
- NO, I THOUGHT YOU WERE.
- NO.
- THAT LETTER IN THE
NEWSPAPER THIS MORN...
(gasps) YOU MEAN THAT
"DEAR ABBY" THING?
YOU READ IT TOO?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
JACK'S LIVING WITH TWO
OTHER GIRLS BEHIND OUR BACKS!
CHRISSY! IT MEANS THAT
WE WERE BOTH WRONG.
THEN WHY'S HE
TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF?
HE ISN'T. DON'T YOU SEE?
WELL, IF HE ISN'T, HE
SURE HAS ME FOOLED.
I THINK THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.
HE'S TRYING TO FOOL
A COUPLE OF FOOLS.
YEAH, YOU AND... OF
COURSE US, WHO ELSE?!
OH. WELL WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
LET'S JUST PLAY ALONG, CHRISSY.
I GOT AN IDEA. COME ON.
OH, CHRISSY! WE'D BETTER
CALL AN AMBULANCE!
DON'T BOTHER TO
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
IT'S TOO LATE. NOTHING
CAN SAVE ME NOW.
I'VE TAKEN ALL OF THESE.
- OH, POOR JACK!
- OH, POOR JACK.
(breathing heavy)
I'M GETTING SO LIGHT-HEADED.
(whines)
MY LIFE IS PASSING
BEFORE MY EYES...
(gasps)
AREN'T YOU MRS. WILKINSON,
MY FIRST GRADE TEACHER?
MOMMY!
DON'T WORRY, MOMMY.
I'LL BRING HOME THE MILK.
DON'T CRY.
IT'S A FAR, FAR BETTER
PLACE THAT I GO TO,
WHERE YOU TRUST
THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE,
AND I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH.
(wheezes, gasps)
GOODBYE.
WELL...
- I GUESS HE'S GONE.
- AT LEAST HE DIDN'T SUFFER.
CHRISSY, YOU KNOW ALL THOSE
TERRIBLE THINGS I SAID TO YOU,
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN THEM.
OH, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T...
AND I DIDN'T MEAN IT
EITHER AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
- HM?
- I'M SORRY ABOUT
YOUR TIGHTS.
I'LL BUY YOU A NEW PAIR.
CHRISSY... IT WAS MY FAULT
- I'LL BUY
THE NEW ONES.
- NO, NO, NO.
I RUINED THEM. IT'S MY FAULT.
I'LL BUY YOU NEW TIGHTS.
TIGHTS?! TIGHTS?!
I'M GASPING MY LAST BREATH
AND YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TIGHTS?
GET BACK DOWN THERE.
YOU'RE DEAD, REMEMBER?
JACK, WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
- YOU DO?
- YEAH.
AND WHY YOU'RE DOING IT. WE
ACTED REALLY DUMB AND WE'RE SORRY.
YEAH, BUT YOU DIDN'T
EVEN TRY TO SAVE ME.
OH MY. HE'S RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S GIVE HIM SOME
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION.
(slurps)
I'M SORRY, JANET. I
DIDN'T MEAN TO SLURP.
- HONEST, I DIDN'T.
- THAT'S OKAY, CHRISSY.
THE TRUTH IS, IT REALLY
DOESN'T BOTHER ME.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME WHEN
YOU MUMBLE AT NIGHT, EITHER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
CHRISSY SLURPS HER COFFEE,
YOU MUMBLE AT NIGHT. BIG DEAL.
YEAH AND YOU SUCK
YOUR THUMB IN YOUR SLEEP.
NO, I DON'T.
YOU DO SO.
I SHOULD KNOW IF I SUCK
MY THUMB IN MY SLEEP.
IF YOU'RE ASLEEP,
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
YEAH. WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW
WHAT I DO IN MY SLEEP?
HUH?
HA HA HA-HA!
WAIT A MINUTE, HOW
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
IN MY OWN BEDROOM,
WHEN I AM ASLEEP?!
GET BACK HERE!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.