Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 12 - Ralph's Rival - full transcript
In an attempt to impress an old friend, Furley pretends he is married to Chrissy.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE DINNER, JANET.
I AM NEVER GONNA
TRY COOKING AGAIN.
OH, CHRISSY, THAT'S
OKAY. IT'S MY FAULT TOO.
I SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE
THAT YOU HEARD ME SAY
BROIL THE LAMB
CHOPS, NOT BOIL THEM.
- AT LEAST I KNOW
DESSERT WILL BE OKAY.
- OH YEAH, HOW?
'CAUSE MY DATE IS
TAKING ME OUT FOR IT.
- WHO'RE YOU GOING OUT WITH?
- ELMO.
ELMO?! THAT BIG OAF?
CHRISSY, WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HIM?
WE HAVE LOT IN COMMON.
WE'RE BOTH CRAZY ABOUT HIS BODY.
WHY, CHRISSY SNOW!
AT LEAST YOU CAN DO IS
HELP ME CLEAN UP THE...
OKAY, CHRISSY, WHAT'S
THIS DOING HERE?
OH.
MR. FURLEY LEFT THAT HERE THIS
MORNING WHEN HE WAS FIXING THE PLUMBING.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME HE WAS
TRYING TO DO IT HIMSELF AGAIN.
HEY, GUYS, WAIT
TILL YOU SEE... (sniffs)
BOILED LAMB CHOPS. CHRISSY
COOKED DINNER, RIGHT?
YOU GOT IT.
THE LAMB CHOPS DIDN'T TURN OUT
BUT I MASHED LOTS OF POTATOES.
NO POTATOES FOR ME,
THANK YOU. I'M TRYING TO QUIT.
MR. FURLEY LEFT THIS
HERE THIS MORNING
WHEN HE WAS FIXING THE SINK.
WHY? FURLEY DOESN'T
NEED A PLUNGER.
EVERYTHING HE WORKS ON
GOES RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.
THIS TIME HE DID A REALLY
GOOD JOB. TRY IT, IT WORKS.
OH, COME ON, CHRISSY.
WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?
RALPH FURLEY... WHEN HE FIXES
SOMETHING IT TURNS INTO INSTANT JUNK.
HE MAKES ROPER LOOK
LIKE THOMAS EDISON.
WATCH THIS, NO COLD WATER.
HUH. WELL, NO HOT.
I'LL BE DARNED!
DISH-RINSER.
INCREDIBLE!
RALPHIE BOY, I TAKE IT ALL
BACK. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
NOW LET'S SAY HELLO TO
MR. GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
IT'S ALL FIXED, HUH?
WELL, IT WORKS. JUST
IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
I'M GONNA TELL THAT
FURLEY OFF RIGHT NOW.
NO, JACK! JACK, NO, JACK!
- I DON'T THINK I'D DO
THAT IF I WERE YOU.
- WHY NOT?
BECAUSE WE'RE A WEEK
BEHIND IN OUR RENT.
WELL THIS BETTER NOT HAPPEN
AGAIN WHEN WE'RE PAID UP.
- (yelps)
- (doorbell rings)
I'LL GET IT.
HI, JANET.
- OH!
- HI.
HI, CHRISSY.
HI?
HI, JACK.
(hissing)
MY THREE FAVORITE PEOPLE.
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE
FINDING ALL OF YOU HERE.
MR. FURLEY, WE LIVE HERE.
YES AND I'M CERTAINLY
GLAD YOU DO.
YOU'RE WONDERFUL KIDS AND YOU
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT REALLY WORKS.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
NEVER TRIED TO FIX IT.
(laughing)
I LOVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
I'M GLAD YOU THINK
OF ME AS A FRIEND
YOU CAN KID AROUND WITH.
BECAUSE AS FRIENDS SOMETIMES DO,
I NEED A LITTLE HELP.
SO DOES OUR FRIEND
THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
IS IT ACTING UP AGAIN?
UH-HUH, IT JUST ACTED
UP ALL OVER JACK.
I'LL GET TO IT.
ANYWAY, I JUST GOT A CALL
FROM AN OLD BUDDY OF MINE
FROM BACK HOME... MERL DENKER.
HE WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO
BE A PLUMBER, WOULD HE?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
OLD MERL AND I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS
EVER SINCE WE WERE FOUR YEARS OLD.
- Janet: MR. FURLEY.
- WE'VE BEEN RIVALS RIGHT
FROM THE TIME WE WERE KIDS,
ALWAYS TRYING TO
OUTDO EACH OTHER.
- THAT'S NICE.
- NO, IT'S AWFUL.
HE JUST CALLED ME FROM THE
AIRPORT ON HIS WAY TO HAWAII.
HE'S GONNA STOP BY AND SEE ME.
WELL, THAT'LL BE NICE SEEING
AN OLD FRIEND FROM HOME.
- TALKING ABOUT OLD TIMES.
- NO IT WON'T BE!
SEE, MERL'S A BIG SUCCESS NOW.
HE JUST WANTS TO
RUB MY NOSE IN IT
AND GLOAT OVER MY FAILURE.
OH, MR. FURLEY,
YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
- YES, I DO.
- NO YOU DON'T.
- I DO, I DO.
- NO, YOU DON'T.
LAY OFF, GIRLS. MR. FURLEY
HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ASHAMED.
THANKS, JACK.
WHAT KIND OF HELP
DID YOU WANT FROM US?
WELL, I'D LIKE YOU GIRLS...
NO OFFENSE, JACK.
I'D LIKE YOU GIRLS TO BE DOWN
AT MY PLACE WHEN HE GETS THERE.
WHY?
WELL, FOR A LITTLE
WINDOW DRESSING.
AND I NEED SOMEBODY TO
SORT OF BACK ME UP WHEN I...
WHEN I TELL HIM I
OWN THIS BUILDING.
- YOU WANT US TO LIE?
- NO, NO, I'LL DO THAT.
- I MEAN I'LL JUST SPRUCE
UP THE TRUTH A LITTLE.
- (all gasp)
WELL, I WOULD OWN THIS PLACE IF
ANYTHING HAPPENED TO MY BROTHER
AND HIS WIFE... AND HIS KIDS...
HIS MANGY DOG.
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
- YEAH, ME EITHER.
OH COME ON, YOU GOTTA DO IT!
LOOK, I'M SORRY. I MEAN, PLEASE.
- MR. FURLEY,
THE ANSWER IS NO.
- WHY?
THE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE HERE
HELPING ME FIX THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL
TAKE CARE OF THAT.
NO, A PLUMBER WILL.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL HIRE A PLUMBER.
A REAL PLUMBER? ONE WITH TOOLS?
- NOT JUST HERBIE WITH HIS
THREE DIFFERENT HAMMERS?
- OKAY, OKAY.
YOU GIRLS JUST BE DOWN AT
MY PLACE IN 20 MINUTES, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY, BUT I HAVE
A DATE WITH ELMO
AND IF I'M LATE
HE'LL BLOW HIS TOP.
CHRISSY, IT WILL BE OKAY.
HE HAS NOTHING UP THERE
TO GET HURT IN THE EXPLOSION.
(indistinct arguing)
JUST BE DOWN AS
QUICK AS YOU CAN, OKAY?
AND A REAL LOCKSMITH.
WELL, MERL, YOU
OLD SON OF A GUN,
I WISH YOU'D HAVE LET ME
PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT.
OH, THANKS A LOT, RALPH,
BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHICH TERMINAL
THE COMPANY JET WOULD BE LANDING AT.
YOU HAVE A COMPANY JET?
WHEN YOU HAVE A COMPANY, YOU'VE
GOT TO HAVE A JET TO GO ALONG WITH IT.
- (all chuckle)
- OH, MERL.
I TELL YOU, I DON'T
KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.
OH, RALPH, IT'S NOTHING,
GETTING BY WITH JUST ONE JET.
UH, RALPH, YOU MEAN YOU
HAVE MORE THAN ONE JET?
OH SURE, I NEED A FEW.
(laughs)
THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS FLYING
OFF IN ALL DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD
TO BELIEVE, RALPH.
I WOULD HAVE SWORN THAT YOU
WERE STILL SELLING DOOR TO DOOR.
ROACH POISON, WASN'T IT?
OH GOSH, NO. THAT WAS YEARS AGO.
NO, I'M IN THE REAL
ESTATE GAME NOW.
THIS BUILDING HERE...
PAID CASH FOR IT.
WHY?
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO
OWN A BUILDING LIKE THIS?
WELL, UH... UH...
(laughing) IT CAME
WITH THE BLOCK.
YOU OWN THE WHOLE BLOCK?
YEAH, YEAH, THE WHOLE BLOCK.
RIGHT, CHRISSY?
RIGHT, RIGHT, JUST LIKE HE
OWNS THE BLOCK NEXT DOOR TOO.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN PILING UP REAL
ESTATE FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW.
YEAH, AND WHEN MR. FURLEY
PILES IT, HE PILES IT HIGH.
OF COURSE, REAL
ESTATE IS JUST A HOBBY.
OIL IS MY REAL LINE.
I GOT 10 OR 15 WELLS.
RALPH TELL ME, WHY WOULD
A MAN IN YOUR POSITION
CHOSE TO LIVE HERE?
UH... WELL, I CAN ANSWER THAT.
AS MR. FURLEY'S
PERSONAL SECRETARY,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT
MR. FURLEY LIKES TO STAY
REALLY CLOSE TO HIS INVESTMENTS
- NO MATTER HOW LARGE
OR SMALL.
- YEAH.
- AND WHO WANTS TO LIVE
IN AN OILFIELD ANYWAY?
- YEAH.
RALPH, WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I
WOULD BE THE TWO
GREAT SUCCESSES?
BUT THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN MONEY, ISN'T THERE?
- LIKE WHAT?
- HUH?
I MEAN, YEAH, OF
COURSE THERE IS.
IT ALL WOULDN'T MEAN A THING
TO ME IF I HADN'T MARRIED ME
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
LITTLE GAL IN THE WORLD.
BEAUTIFUL?
BUT WEREN'T YOU ENGAGED
TO ONE OF THE GRUB GIRLS?
VERNA, THE ONE THAT
OWNED HER OWN TRACTOR?
WELL YES, BUT I MARRIED ME
A BEAUTY CONTEST WINNER.
MISS WISCONSIN. HOW
ABOUT YOU, RALPH?
ME?
UH, WELL, MY LITTLE WIFEY
NEVER WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.
BUT SHE'S A GREAT LITTLE GAL.
MR. FURLEY!
YOU HEAR THAT? "MR. FURLEY."
SHE STILL CAN'T GET
USED TO THE IDEA.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME MUCH TIME.
WELL, RALPH, YOU SLY DOG!
- HOW LONG HAVE
YOU TWO BEEN MARRIED?
- A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW.
WELL I'LL BE... NEWLYWEDS!
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY
YOU LOOK SO TUCKERED OUT.
YEAH, CHRISSY AND I LIVE PRETTY
MUCH ON LAUGHS AND LOVE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HONEY?
(weakly laughs)
SO MUCH FOR THE LAUGHS PART.
WELL IT'S GETTING LATE.
MISS WOOD, YOU CAN GO HOME
NOW. MR. DENKER'S LEAVING
AND I WON'T BE NEEDING YOU
FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING.
OH WELL, FINE, SIR.
MR. DENKER, IT WAS REALLY
A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
- AND YOU, LITTLE LADY.
- OH, THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT,
MR. FURLEY, MRS. FURLEY.
OH RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT,
MR. FURLEY'S SECRETARY.
GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL. (laughs)
WELL, MERL, YOU COME
BACK REAL SOON, YOU HEAR.
OH WELL, I GUESS I HAD BETTER
HEAD TOWARD THE HOTEL.
OH, SAY, RALPH, I
JUST REMEMBERED...
I'M CARRYING ABOUT 15,000
IN CASH ON ME TONIGHT,
AND YOU KNOW HOW THE
SECURITY IN HOTELS IS THESE DAYS.
SAY, RALPH, WHY DON'T I
JUST BUNK DOWN HERE
ON THIS SOFA FOR TONIGHT?
OH, THIS IS A LOUSY SOFA.
IT'S LUMPY,
IT FEELS LIKE IT'S STUFFED
FULL OF DOORKNOBS.
OH, IT'LL BE JUST FINE.
WELL, CHRISSY DEAR,
IT'S SEEMS THAT MR. DENKER IS
GONNA BE SPENDING THE NIGHT HERE.
THAT'S NICE. WELL, I'VE ENJOYED
MEETING YOU, MR. DENKER.
- GOODBYE.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DEAR?
- I WAS GONNA UP TO MY...
- DON'T LET ME DISTURB YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS.
YOU JUST HOP RIGHT IN
THERE AND GO BEDDY-BYE.
BEDDY-BYE?!
AND I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
NOW YOU TWO GO TO BED
NOW. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
WELL YOU HEARD THE
MAN. COME ON, MRS. FURLEY.
LET'S HIT THE SHEETS.
(laughing) SO THEN...
FURLEY INTRODUCES
CHRISSY AS MRS. RALPH FURLEY.
(laughs) YOU'RE KIDDING?
NO.
HE CALLED HER HIS LITTLE WIFEY.
YEAH, SHE'S DOWN THERE SAYING
GOOD NIGHT TO MERL RIGHT NOW.
AND THEN ANY MINUTE THE BRIDE
WILL WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
AFTER THE SHORTEST
MARRIAGE IN HISTORY.
JANET, I WISH WE HAD
SOME MINUTE RICE TO THROW.
(phone rings)
HELLO? OH, HI CHRISSY.
I MEAN, HELLO, MRS. FURLEY.
YEAH, I'VE JUST BEEN
TELLING JACK... HUH?
WHAT?
OH, NO.
OH, CHRISSY! CHRISSY?
CHRISSY, HELLO?
DON'T TELL ME, DON'T TELL
ME, THEY'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.
CHRISSY IS IN FURLEY'S BEDROOM.
WHAT?
IT SEEMS THAT MERL'S
GONNA STAY OVER
AND NOW CHRISSY IS TRAPPED
WITH FURLEY FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT.
JANET, THE ONLY THING SHE HAS TO
WORRY ABOUT IS BEING BORED TO DEATH.
JACK, YOU... LISTEN, WE
HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
OKAY, I'LL GET HER
SOMETHING TO READ.
COME ON, JACK, WE
HAVE TO HELP HER.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, UH...
- ALL RIGHT, THINK.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA
DO? I CAN'T STAY HERE.
WELL, DON'T PANIC!
THE WINDOW! THAT'S IT!
I'LL CLIMB OUT AND GO UPSTAIRS.
THERE ARE BARS ON IT.
OF COURSE.
I COULDN'T TAKE A
CHANCE ON A THIEF
BREAKING INTO THIS
TREASURE TROVE.
I WANT OUT OF HERE.
SHH, NOW IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GETTING READY FOR BED.
YOU'RE WHAT?! WHAT ARE THOSE?
THESE ARE MY PAJAMAS.
I SLEEP IN THESE.
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN?
MY OWN ROOM.
DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN HAVE THE
BED AND I'LL SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO 'CAUSE
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
(Chrissy panting)
(Merl snoring)
(Merl mumbling)
- WHAT?
- Merl: WHAT?!
OH! OH, HI.
- Chrissy: HI.
- ANYTHING WRONG?
NO, NO.
I JUST CAME OUT TO SEE
IF YOU WERE ALL RIGHT
AND YOU ARE. SO...
I'LL JUST GO BACK TO MY BEDROOM.
WHY ARE YOU WALKING BACKWARD?
BECAUSE IT'S...
QUIETER THAT WAY.
THE NOISE GOES AWAY FROM YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE WOKE UP.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
YOUR FRIEND THE TRUTH?
I CAN'T DO THAT. HE'D
NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN.
COME ON, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SLEEP IN THIS BED AND
YOU SLEEP IN THE BATHTUB.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
DO I HAVE TO? THE FAUCET DRIPS.
WELL, COMPLAIN TO YOUR
LANDLORD LIKE WE DO.
(doorbell rings)
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
OH, HELLO THERE.
MR. FURLEY HERE?
I GOT A STOPPED UP
SINK HE'S GOTTA FIX.
- MR. FURLEY'S GONE TO BED.
- WELL I GOTTA SEE HIM.
WELL YOU CAN'T. HE'S
GONE TO BED WITH CHRISSY.
EXCUSE ME? IT'S NOT ONLY
MY SINK THAT'S STOPPED UP.
I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY
HE'S GONE TO BED WITH CHRISSY.
RIGHT.
- BLONDE CHRISSY?
- YEAH.
- CHRISSY?
- YES.
CHRISSY?
CHRISSY.
I HEARD THE DOORBELL... LARRY!
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE IN YOUR... WITH CHRISSY?
WELL SURE, NATURALLY. WHO ELSE?
CHRISSY.
(chuckles)
- GOOD OLD CHRISSY.
- YEAH.
WELL, IT WAS REALLY
NICE TO SEE YOU, LARRY.
I HATE TO RUSH YOU OUT,
BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP.
HOLD ON A SECOND. YOU
TWO ARE SLEEPING IN THERE?
Chrissy: IS THAT
YOU JACK OR JANET?
NO, CHRISSY, YOU GO AND
GET IN BED. I'LL BE RIGHT IN.
I BETTER BE GOING, MR. FURLEY.
I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU...
AND CHRISSY.
GO FIGURE. WOMEN.
GOOD NIGHT, MERL.
WHAT IF WE... NO.
OH, MAYBE WE CAN
GO... OH, THAT STINKS.
- I GOT IT.
- (screams)
YOU RUSH IN AND SAY A WOMAN IN
THE BUILDING IS GIVING BIRTH TO A BABY
AND YOU NEED CHRISSY'S HELP... NO
THAT WON'T WORK. THAT'S NO GOOD.
HOW ABOUT... HOW ABOUT
I SAY I'M HER BROTHER
AND I'LL JUST GO DOWN THERE AND
CREATE A DIVERSION THEN YANK HER OUT?
- OKAY, GOOD LUCK.
- RIGHT.
HI, ELMO. WHAT'S HAPPENING?
HI. WHERE'S CHRISSY?
SHE'S WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AT
THE REGAL BEAGLE OVER AN HOUR AGO.
UH, SHE'S NOT HERE, MAN, SORRY.
WHERE IS SHE? HI.
HI, ELMO.
HI.
CHRISSY BETTER NOT BE
OUT WITH SOME OTHER GUY.
OH! (laughs)
DON'T BE SILLY.
ELMO, COME ON OVER AND SIT DOWN
AND WE'LL TALK.
ELMO! NO, NO! NO, NO! ELMO!
- JACK, JANET!
- WHAT, LARRY?
FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE
NOT BEEN DRINKING.
- IT IS TRUE, I WAS THERE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CHRISSY IS DOWN THERE
IN BED WITH FURLEY.
CHRISSY'S WHERE?
WITH FURLEY. WHAT'S THAT?
WHO... WHO'S HE?
- ELMO. ELMO!
- ELMO, THIS IS LAR...
ELMO, EASY, ELMO. ELMO!
WHO'S FURLEY?
(screaming) ELMO, PUT HIM DOWN!
NOW, ELMO, LET'S NOT GO
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, OKAY?
SEE, MR. FURLEY IS...
IS... IS OUR LANDLORD.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
AND HE DOES FAVORS FOR US
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW... SORRY.
SO CHRISSY'S DOWN THERE
DOING A FAVOR FOR HIM.
- WHAT?!
- THAT DIDN'T COME
OUT RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY.
WHERE'S THIS FURLEY?
EXCUSE ME, I THINK
I HEAR MY MOTHER.
THAT'S OKAY, YOU CAN KEEP THAT.
NO, LARRY, WAIT!
LARRY, I NEED YOUR HELP!
WHERE'S FURLEY'S APARTMENT?
ELMO, YOU GOT A
HANDFUL OF HAIRS IN THERE.
WHERE'S FURLEY?
HE'S IN THE APARTMENT
RIGHT BENEATH US.
ELMO, I CAN'T LET YOU
GO DOWN THERE... OH!
(gasping)
THAT LARRY IS SUCH A NERD.
JACK, THIS IS NO
LAUGHING MATTER.
(panting)
JACK, WHERE WAS ELMO GOING?
(gasping)
JACK, CUT THAT OUT. WE
HAVE TO HELP CHRISSY.
WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
WILL YOU PLEASE GET SERIOUS!
(knocking on door)
(knocking continues)
GRAND CENTRAL
STATION AROUND HERE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU, FURLEY, YOU CREEP! I'LL
TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH CHRISSY.
I'M NOT FURLEY AND I'M
NOT MESSING WITH CHRISSY.
THERE'S THE MAN YOU WANT.
SO YOU'RE FURLEY.
UH, THAT ALL DEPENDS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! NO,
MR. FURLEY! MR. FURLEY...
YOU ARE FURLEY. YOU'RE THE
ONE MESSING WITH MY GIRL.
HANG ON HERE, I CAN
EXPLAIN THIS MESS, SEE...
ELMO, ELMO, ELMO!
STOP ELMO, WILL YOU STOP HIM?
OH, NO! WHOA!
- NOW SEE HERE YOU...
- OH NO!
- OH!
- NICE SHOT, SLUGGER.
MR. FURLEY, TELL ELMO
THE TRUTH, WILL YOU?
- THERE'S NOTHING
BETWEEN YOU AND CHRISSY.
- THERE'S NOT?
OF COURSE THERE IS. THEY'RE
HUSBAND AND WIFE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
YOU'RE MARRIED TO CHRISSY?
YES AND NO.
(door locks)
I'M GONNA SQUASH HIM.
ELMO, ELMO, DON'T
GO IN THAT DOOR.
ELMO, DON'T GO IN THAT
BEDROOM. OKAY, WHY NOT?
- (door slams)
- (Chrissy gasps)
CHRISSY?
AREN'T YOU TWO A LITTLE
OLD FOR GAMES LIKE THAT?
OH, JACK!
YOU, FURLEY, I'M
GONNA FIX YOUR HASH!
YOU AREN'T EITHER.
NOW, ELMO, WILL YOU
JUST LET ME EXPLAIN?
MR. FURLEY, COME OUT HERE.
(sighs)
I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD EXPLAIN.
UH, WE'RE NOT REALLY MARRIED.
- OH, YOU MEAN...
- NO, I DON'T MEAN.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED OR ANYTHING.
MERL, I JUST WANTED YOU TO
THINK I WAS A BIG LADIES' MAN.
SO I TOLD YOU
CHRISSY WAS MY WIFE.
SHE'S JUST A TENANT.
YOU MEAN YOU TWO
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?
OH, ELMO, OF COURSE NOT. NOW WILL
YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND WAIT FOR ME?
- BUT, CHRISSY...
- ELMO, GO ON!
THANKS FOR THE
PIGGY-BACK RIDE, ELMO.
MERL, I WAS JUST TRYING
TO SHOW OFF FOR YOU.
WELL, IT TAKES A LOT OF
COURAGE TO SAY THAT, RALPH.
AND I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
I DON'T HAVE A JET. I
DON'T HAVE A COMPANY.
- I DON'T HAVE NOTHING.
- YOU DON'T?
NO, I JUST COME OUT
HERE LOOKING FOR A JOB.
Furley: OH, MERL.
AND I DIDN'T MARRY
A MISS WISCONSIN.
WELL, MERL OLD BUDDY, SINCE
WE'RE TELLING THE WHOLE TRUTH,
I DON'T OWN A LOT
OF OIL WELLS EITHER.
- REALLY, RALPH?
- NO.
I ONLY OWN FOUR.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE DINNER, JANET.
I AM NEVER GONNA
TRY COOKING AGAIN.
OH, CHRISSY, THAT'S
OKAY. IT'S MY FAULT TOO.
I SHOULD HAVE MADE SURE
THAT YOU HEARD ME SAY
BROIL THE LAMB
CHOPS, NOT BOIL THEM.
- AT LEAST I KNOW
DESSERT WILL BE OKAY.
- OH YEAH, HOW?
'CAUSE MY DATE IS
TAKING ME OUT FOR IT.
- WHO'RE YOU GOING OUT WITH?
- ELMO.
ELMO?! THAT BIG OAF?
CHRISSY, WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HIM?
WE HAVE LOT IN COMMON.
WE'RE BOTH CRAZY ABOUT HIS BODY.
WHY, CHRISSY SNOW!
AT LEAST YOU CAN DO IS
HELP ME CLEAN UP THE...
OKAY, CHRISSY, WHAT'S
THIS DOING HERE?
OH.
MR. FURLEY LEFT THAT HERE THIS
MORNING WHEN HE WAS FIXING THE PLUMBING.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME HE WAS
TRYING TO DO IT HIMSELF AGAIN.
HEY, GUYS, WAIT
TILL YOU SEE... (sniffs)
BOILED LAMB CHOPS. CHRISSY
COOKED DINNER, RIGHT?
YOU GOT IT.
THE LAMB CHOPS DIDN'T TURN OUT
BUT I MASHED LOTS OF POTATOES.
NO POTATOES FOR ME,
THANK YOU. I'M TRYING TO QUIT.
MR. FURLEY LEFT THIS
HERE THIS MORNING
WHEN HE WAS FIXING THE SINK.
WHY? FURLEY DOESN'T
NEED A PLUNGER.
EVERYTHING HE WORKS ON
GOES RIGHT DOWN THE DRAIN.
THIS TIME HE DID A REALLY
GOOD JOB. TRY IT, IT WORKS.
OH, COME ON, CHRISSY.
WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?
RALPH FURLEY... WHEN HE FIXES
SOMETHING IT TURNS INTO INSTANT JUNK.
HE MAKES ROPER LOOK
LIKE THOMAS EDISON.
WATCH THIS, NO COLD WATER.
HUH. WELL, NO HOT.
I'LL BE DARNED!
DISH-RINSER.
INCREDIBLE!
RALPHIE BOY, I TAKE IT ALL
BACK. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
NOW LET'S SAY HELLO TO
MR. GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
IT'S ALL FIXED, HUH?
WELL, IT WORKS. JUST
IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.
I'M GONNA TELL THAT
FURLEY OFF RIGHT NOW.
NO, JACK! JACK, NO, JACK!
- I DON'T THINK I'D DO
THAT IF I WERE YOU.
- WHY NOT?
BECAUSE WE'RE A WEEK
BEHIND IN OUR RENT.
WELL THIS BETTER NOT HAPPEN
AGAIN WHEN WE'RE PAID UP.
- (yelps)
- (doorbell rings)
I'LL GET IT.
HI, JANET.
- OH!
- HI.
HI, CHRISSY.
HI?
HI, JACK.
(hissing)
MY THREE FAVORITE PEOPLE.
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE
FINDING ALL OF YOU HERE.
MR. FURLEY, WE LIVE HERE.
YES AND I'M CERTAINLY
GLAD YOU DO.
YOU'RE WONDERFUL KIDS AND YOU
HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT REALLY WORKS.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
NEVER TRIED TO FIX IT.
(laughing)
I LOVE A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
I'M GLAD YOU THINK
OF ME AS A FRIEND
YOU CAN KID AROUND WITH.
BECAUSE AS FRIENDS SOMETIMES DO,
I NEED A LITTLE HELP.
SO DOES OUR FRIEND
THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
IS IT ACTING UP AGAIN?
UH-HUH, IT JUST ACTED
UP ALL OVER JACK.
I'LL GET TO IT.
ANYWAY, I JUST GOT A CALL
FROM AN OLD BUDDY OF MINE
FROM BACK HOME... MERL DENKER.
HE WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO
BE A PLUMBER, WOULD HE?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
OLD MERL AND I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS
EVER SINCE WE WERE FOUR YEARS OLD.
- Janet: MR. FURLEY.
- WE'VE BEEN RIVALS RIGHT
FROM THE TIME WE WERE KIDS,
ALWAYS TRYING TO
OUTDO EACH OTHER.
- THAT'S NICE.
- NO, IT'S AWFUL.
HE JUST CALLED ME FROM THE
AIRPORT ON HIS WAY TO HAWAII.
HE'S GONNA STOP BY AND SEE ME.
WELL, THAT'LL BE NICE SEEING
AN OLD FRIEND FROM HOME.
- TALKING ABOUT OLD TIMES.
- NO IT WON'T BE!
SEE, MERL'S A BIG SUCCESS NOW.
HE JUST WANTS TO
RUB MY NOSE IN IT
AND GLOAT OVER MY FAILURE.
OH, MR. FURLEY,
YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.
- YES, I DO.
- NO YOU DON'T.
- I DO, I DO.
- NO, YOU DON'T.
LAY OFF, GIRLS. MR. FURLEY
HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ASHAMED.
THANKS, JACK.
WHAT KIND OF HELP
DID YOU WANT FROM US?
WELL, I'D LIKE YOU GIRLS...
NO OFFENSE, JACK.
I'D LIKE YOU GIRLS TO BE DOWN
AT MY PLACE WHEN HE GETS THERE.
WHY?
WELL, FOR A LITTLE
WINDOW DRESSING.
AND I NEED SOMEBODY TO
SORT OF BACK ME UP WHEN I...
WHEN I TELL HIM I
OWN THIS BUILDING.
- YOU WANT US TO LIE?
- NO, NO, I'LL DO THAT.
- I MEAN I'LL JUST SPRUCE
UP THE TRUTH A LITTLE.
- (all gasp)
WELL, I WOULD OWN THIS PLACE IF
ANYTHING HAPPENED TO MY BROTHER
AND HIS WIFE... AND HIS KIDS...
HIS MANGY DOG.
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
- YEAH, ME EITHER.
OH COME ON, YOU GOTTA DO IT!
LOOK, I'M SORRY. I MEAN, PLEASE.
- MR. FURLEY,
THE ANSWER IS NO.
- WHY?
THE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE HERE
HELPING ME FIX THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL
TAKE CARE OF THAT.
NO, A PLUMBER WILL.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'LL HIRE A PLUMBER.
A REAL PLUMBER? ONE WITH TOOLS?
- NOT JUST HERBIE WITH HIS
THREE DIFFERENT HAMMERS?
- OKAY, OKAY.
YOU GIRLS JUST BE DOWN AT
MY PLACE IN 20 MINUTES, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY, BUT I HAVE
A DATE WITH ELMO
AND IF I'M LATE
HE'LL BLOW HIS TOP.
CHRISSY, IT WILL BE OKAY.
HE HAS NOTHING UP THERE
TO GET HURT IN THE EXPLOSION.
(indistinct arguing)
JUST BE DOWN AS
QUICK AS YOU CAN, OKAY?
AND A REAL LOCKSMITH.
WELL, MERL, YOU
OLD SON OF A GUN,
I WISH YOU'D HAVE LET ME
PICK YOU UP AT THE AIRPORT.
OH, THANKS A LOT, RALPH,
BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHICH TERMINAL
THE COMPANY JET WOULD BE LANDING AT.
YOU HAVE A COMPANY JET?
WHEN YOU HAVE A COMPANY, YOU'VE
GOT TO HAVE A JET TO GO ALONG WITH IT.
- (all chuckle)
- OH, MERL.
I TELL YOU, I DON'T
KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.
OH, RALPH, IT'S NOTHING,
GETTING BY WITH JUST ONE JET.
UH, RALPH, YOU MEAN YOU
HAVE MORE THAN ONE JET?
OH SURE, I NEED A FEW.
(laughs)
THAT'S 'CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS FLYING
OFF IN ALL DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S HARD
TO BELIEVE, RALPH.
I WOULD HAVE SWORN THAT YOU
WERE STILL SELLING DOOR TO DOOR.
ROACH POISON, WASN'T IT?
OH GOSH, NO. THAT WAS YEARS AGO.
NO, I'M IN THE REAL
ESTATE GAME NOW.
THIS BUILDING HERE...
PAID CASH FOR IT.
WHY?
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO
OWN A BUILDING LIKE THIS?
WELL, UH... UH...
(laughing) IT CAME
WITH THE BLOCK.
YOU OWN THE WHOLE BLOCK?
YEAH, YEAH, THE WHOLE BLOCK.
RIGHT, CHRISSY?
RIGHT, RIGHT, JUST LIKE HE
OWNS THE BLOCK NEXT DOOR TOO.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN PILING UP REAL
ESTATE FOR QUITE A WHILE NOW.
YEAH, AND WHEN MR. FURLEY
PILES IT, HE PILES IT HIGH.
OF COURSE, REAL
ESTATE IS JUST A HOBBY.
OIL IS MY REAL LINE.
I GOT 10 OR 15 WELLS.
RALPH TELL ME, WHY WOULD
A MAN IN YOUR POSITION
CHOSE TO LIVE HERE?
UH... WELL, I CAN ANSWER THAT.
AS MR. FURLEY'S
PERSONAL SECRETARY,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT
MR. FURLEY LIKES TO STAY
REALLY CLOSE TO HIS INVESTMENTS
- NO MATTER HOW LARGE
OR SMALL.
- YEAH.
- AND WHO WANTS TO LIVE
IN AN OILFIELD ANYWAY?
- YEAH.
RALPH, WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THAT YOU AND I
WOULD BE THE TWO
GREAT SUCCESSES?
BUT THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN MONEY, ISN'T THERE?
- LIKE WHAT?
- HUH?
I MEAN, YEAH, OF
COURSE THERE IS.
IT ALL WOULDN'T MEAN A THING
TO ME IF I HADN'T MARRIED ME
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
LITTLE GAL IN THE WORLD.
BEAUTIFUL?
BUT WEREN'T YOU ENGAGED
TO ONE OF THE GRUB GIRLS?
VERNA, THE ONE THAT
OWNED HER OWN TRACTOR?
WELL YES, BUT I MARRIED ME
A BEAUTY CONTEST WINNER.
MISS WISCONSIN. HOW
ABOUT YOU, RALPH?
ME?
UH, WELL, MY LITTLE WIFEY
NEVER WON A BEAUTY CONTEST.
BUT SHE'S A GREAT LITTLE GAL.
MR. FURLEY!
YOU HEAR THAT? "MR. FURLEY."
SHE STILL CAN'T GET
USED TO THE IDEA.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME MUCH TIME.
WELL, RALPH, YOU SLY DOG!
- HOW LONG HAVE
YOU TWO BEEN MARRIED?
- A COUPLE OF MONTHS NOW.
WELL I'LL BE... NEWLYWEDS!
SO THAT EXPLAINS WHY
YOU LOOK SO TUCKERED OUT.
YEAH, CHRISSY AND I LIVE PRETTY
MUCH ON LAUGHS AND LOVE.
ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HONEY?
(weakly laughs)
SO MUCH FOR THE LAUGHS PART.
WELL IT'S GETTING LATE.
MISS WOOD, YOU CAN GO HOME
NOW. MR. DENKER'S LEAVING
AND I WON'T BE NEEDING YOU
FOR THE REST OF THE EVENING.
OH WELL, FINE, SIR.
MR. DENKER, IT WAS REALLY
A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.
- AND YOU, LITTLE LADY.
- OH, THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT,
MR. FURLEY, MRS. FURLEY.
OH RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT,
MR. FURLEY'S SECRETARY.
GOOD NIGHT, Y'ALL. (laughs)
WELL, MERL, YOU COME
BACK REAL SOON, YOU HEAR.
OH WELL, I GUESS I HAD BETTER
HEAD TOWARD THE HOTEL.
OH, SAY, RALPH, I
JUST REMEMBERED...
I'M CARRYING ABOUT 15,000
IN CASH ON ME TONIGHT,
AND YOU KNOW HOW THE
SECURITY IN HOTELS IS THESE DAYS.
SAY, RALPH, WHY DON'T I
JUST BUNK DOWN HERE
ON THIS SOFA FOR TONIGHT?
OH, THIS IS A LOUSY SOFA.
IT'S LUMPY,
IT FEELS LIKE IT'S STUFFED
FULL OF DOORKNOBS.
OH, IT'LL BE JUST FINE.
WELL, CHRISSY DEAR,
IT'S SEEMS THAT MR. DENKER IS
GONNA BE SPENDING THE NIGHT HERE.
THAT'S NICE. WELL, I'VE ENJOYED
MEETING YOU, MR. DENKER.
- GOODBYE.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING, DEAR?
- I WAS GONNA UP TO MY...
- DON'T LET ME DISTURB YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS.
YOU JUST HOP RIGHT IN
THERE AND GO BEDDY-BYE.
BEDDY-BYE?!
AND I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.
NOW YOU TWO GO TO BED
NOW. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
WELL YOU HEARD THE
MAN. COME ON, MRS. FURLEY.
LET'S HIT THE SHEETS.
(laughing) SO THEN...
FURLEY INTRODUCES
CHRISSY AS MRS. RALPH FURLEY.
(laughs) YOU'RE KIDDING?
NO.
HE CALLED HER HIS LITTLE WIFEY.
YEAH, SHE'S DOWN THERE SAYING
GOOD NIGHT TO MERL RIGHT NOW.
AND THEN ANY MINUTE THE BRIDE
WILL WALK THROUGH THAT DOOR
AFTER THE SHORTEST
MARRIAGE IN HISTORY.
JANET, I WISH WE HAD
SOME MINUTE RICE TO THROW.
(phone rings)
HELLO? OH, HI CHRISSY.
I MEAN, HELLO, MRS. FURLEY.
YEAH, I'VE JUST BEEN
TELLING JACK... HUH?
WHAT?
OH, NO.
OH, CHRISSY! CHRISSY?
CHRISSY, HELLO?
DON'T TELL ME, DON'T TELL
ME, THEY'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.
CHRISSY IS IN FURLEY'S BEDROOM.
WHAT?
IT SEEMS THAT MERL'S
GONNA STAY OVER
AND NOW CHRISSY IS TRAPPED
WITH FURLEY FOR THE WHOLE NIGHT.
JANET, THE ONLY THING SHE HAS TO
WORRY ABOUT IS BEING BORED TO DEATH.
JACK, YOU... LISTEN, WE
HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
OKAY, I'LL GET HER
SOMETHING TO READ.
COME ON, JACK, WE
HAVE TO HELP HER.
- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, UH...
- ALL RIGHT, THINK.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA
DO? I CAN'T STAY HERE.
WELL, DON'T PANIC!
THE WINDOW! THAT'S IT!
I'LL CLIMB OUT AND GO UPSTAIRS.
THERE ARE BARS ON IT.
OF COURSE.
I COULDN'T TAKE A
CHANCE ON A THIEF
BREAKING INTO THIS
TREASURE TROVE.
I WANT OUT OF HERE.
SHH, NOW IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE
TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GETTING READY FOR BED.
YOU'RE WHAT?! WHAT ARE THOSE?
THESE ARE MY PAJAMAS.
I SLEEP IN THESE.
WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN?
MY OWN ROOM.
DON'T WORRY, YOU CAN HAVE THE
BED AND I'LL SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO 'CAUSE
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
(Chrissy panting)
(Merl snoring)
(Merl mumbling)
- WHAT?
- Merl: WHAT?!
OH! OH, HI.
- Chrissy: HI.
- ANYTHING WRONG?
NO, NO.
I JUST CAME OUT TO SEE
IF YOU WERE ALL RIGHT
AND YOU ARE. SO...
I'LL JUST GO BACK TO MY BEDROOM.
WHY ARE YOU WALKING BACKWARD?
BECAUSE IT'S...
QUIETER THAT WAY.
THE NOISE GOES AWAY FROM YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE WOKE UP.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
YOUR FRIEND THE TRUTH?
I CAN'T DO THAT. HE'D
NEVER LET ME LIVE IT DOWN.
COME ON, YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SLEEP IN THIS BED AND
YOU SLEEP IN THE BATHTUB.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
DO I HAVE TO? THE FAUCET DRIPS.
WELL, COMPLAIN TO YOUR
LANDLORD LIKE WE DO.
(doorbell rings)
WELL, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
OH, HELLO THERE.
MR. FURLEY HERE?
I GOT A STOPPED UP
SINK HE'S GOTTA FIX.
- MR. FURLEY'S GONE TO BED.
- WELL I GOTTA SEE HIM.
WELL YOU CAN'T. HE'S
GONE TO BED WITH CHRISSY.
EXCUSE ME? IT'S NOT ONLY
MY SINK THAT'S STOPPED UP.
I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY
HE'S GONE TO BED WITH CHRISSY.
RIGHT.
- BLONDE CHRISSY?
- YEAH.
- CHRISSY?
- YES.
CHRISSY?
CHRISSY.
I HEARD THE DOORBELL... LARRY!
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE IN YOUR... WITH CHRISSY?
WELL SURE, NATURALLY. WHO ELSE?
CHRISSY.
(chuckles)
- GOOD OLD CHRISSY.
- YEAH.
WELL, IT WAS REALLY
NICE TO SEE YOU, LARRY.
I HATE TO RUSH YOU OUT,
BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP.
HOLD ON A SECOND. YOU
TWO ARE SLEEPING IN THERE?
Chrissy: IS THAT
YOU JACK OR JANET?
NO, CHRISSY, YOU GO AND
GET IN BED. I'LL BE RIGHT IN.
I BETTER BE GOING, MR. FURLEY.
I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU...
AND CHRISSY.
GO FIGURE. WOMEN.
GOOD NIGHT, MERL.
WHAT IF WE... NO.
OH, MAYBE WE CAN
GO... OH, THAT STINKS.
- I GOT IT.
- (screams)
YOU RUSH IN AND SAY A WOMAN IN
THE BUILDING IS GIVING BIRTH TO A BABY
AND YOU NEED CHRISSY'S HELP... NO
THAT WON'T WORK. THAT'S NO GOOD.
HOW ABOUT... HOW ABOUT
I SAY I'M HER BROTHER
AND I'LL JUST GO DOWN THERE AND
CREATE A DIVERSION THEN YANK HER OUT?
- OKAY, GOOD LUCK.
- RIGHT.
HI, ELMO. WHAT'S HAPPENING?
HI. WHERE'S CHRISSY?
SHE'S WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME AT
THE REGAL BEAGLE OVER AN HOUR AGO.
UH, SHE'S NOT HERE, MAN, SORRY.
WHERE IS SHE? HI.
HI, ELMO.
HI.
CHRISSY BETTER NOT BE
OUT WITH SOME OTHER GUY.
OH! (laughs)
DON'T BE SILLY.
ELMO, COME ON OVER AND SIT DOWN
AND WE'LL TALK.
ELMO! NO, NO! NO, NO! ELMO!
- JACK, JANET!
- WHAT, LARRY?
FIRST OF ALL, I HAVE
NOT BEEN DRINKING.
- IT IS TRUE, I WAS THERE.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
CHRISSY IS DOWN THERE
IN BED WITH FURLEY.
CHRISSY'S WHERE?
WITH FURLEY. WHAT'S THAT?
WHO... WHO'S HE?
- ELMO. ELMO!
- ELMO, THIS IS LAR...
ELMO, EASY, ELMO. ELMO!
WHO'S FURLEY?
(screaming) ELMO, PUT HIM DOWN!
NOW, ELMO, LET'S NOT GO
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, OKAY?
SEE, MR. FURLEY IS...
IS... IS OUR LANDLORD.
- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
AND HE DOES FAVORS FOR US
SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW... SORRY.
SO CHRISSY'S DOWN THERE
DOING A FAVOR FOR HIM.
- WHAT?!
- THAT DIDN'T COME
OUT RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY.
WHERE'S THIS FURLEY?
EXCUSE ME, I THINK
I HEAR MY MOTHER.
THAT'S OKAY, YOU CAN KEEP THAT.
NO, LARRY, WAIT!
LARRY, I NEED YOUR HELP!
WHERE'S FURLEY'S APARTMENT?
ELMO, YOU GOT A
HANDFUL OF HAIRS IN THERE.
WHERE'S FURLEY?
HE'S IN THE APARTMENT
RIGHT BENEATH US.
ELMO, I CAN'T LET YOU
GO DOWN THERE... OH!
(gasping)
THAT LARRY IS SUCH A NERD.
JACK, THIS IS NO
LAUGHING MATTER.
(panting)
JACK, WHERE WAS ELMO GOING?
(gasping)
JACK, CUT THAT OUT. WE
HAVE TO HELP CHRISSY.
WHAT IS SO FUNNY?
WILL YOU PLEASE GET SERIOUS!
(knocking on door)
(knocking continues)
GRAND CENTRAL
STATION AROUND HERE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU, FURLEY, YOU CREEP! I'LL
TEACH YOU TO MESS WITH CHRISSY.
I'M NOT FURLEY AND I'M
NOT MESSING WITH CHRISSY.
THERE'S THE MAN YOU WANT.
SO YOU'RE FURLEY.
UH, THAT ALL DEPENDS.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! NO,
MR. FURLEY! MR. FURLEY...
YOU ARE FURLEY. YOU'RE THE
ONE MESSING WITH MY GIRL.
HANG ON HERE, I CAN
EXPLAIN THIS MESS, SEE...
ELMO, ELMO, ELMO!
STOP ELMO, WILL YOU STOP HIM?
OH, NO! WHOA!
- NOW SEE HERE YOU...
- OH NO!
- OH!
- NICE SHOT, SLUGGER.
MR. FURLEY, TELL ELMO
THE TRUTH, WILL YOU?
- THERE'S NOTHING
BETWEEN YOU AND CHRISSY.
- THERE'S NOT?
OF COURSE THERE IS. THEY'RE
HUSBAND AND WIFE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
YOU'RE MARRIED TO CHRISSY?
YES AND NO.
(door locks)
I'M GONNA SQUASH HIM.
ELMO, ELMO, DON'T
GO IN THAT DOOR.
ELMO, DON'T GO IN THAT
BEDROOM. OKAY, WHY NOT?
- (door slams)
- (Chrissy gasps)
CHRISSY?
AREN'T YOU TWO A LITTLE
OLD FOR GAMES LIKE THAT?
OH, JACK!
YOU, FURLEY, I'M
GONNA FIX YOUR HASH!
YOU AREN'T EITHER.
NOW, ELMO, WILL YOU
JUST LET ME EXPLAIN?
MR. FURLEY, COME OUT HERE.
(sighs)
I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD EXPLAIN.
UH, WE'RE NOT REALLY MARRIED.
- OH, YOU MEAN...
- NO, I DON'T MEAN.
WE'RE NOT MARRIED OR ANYTHING.
MERL, I JUST WANTED YOU TO
THINK I WAS A BIG LADIES' MAN.
SO I TOLD YOU
CHRISSY WAS MY WIFE.
SHE'S JUST A TENANT.
YOU MEAN YOU TWO
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?
OH, ELMO, OF COURSE NOT. NOW WILL
YOU GO UPSTAIRS AND WAIT FOR ME?
- BUT, CHRISSY...
- ELMO, GO ON!
THANKS FOR THE
PIGGY-BACK RIDE, ELMO.
MERL, I WAS JUST TRYING
TO SHOW OFF FOR YOU.
WELL, IT TAKES A LOT OF
COURAGE TO SAY THAT, RALPH.
AND I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
I DON'T HAVE A JET. I
DON'T HAVE A COMPANY.
- I DON'T HAVE NOTHING.
- YOU DON'T?
NO, I JUST COME OUT
HERE LOOKING FOR A JOB.
Furley: OH, MERL.
AND I DIDN'T MARRY
A MISS WISCONSIN.
WELL, MERL OLD BUDDY, SINCE
WE'RE TELLING THE WHOLE TRUTH,
I DON'T OWN A LOT
OF OIL WELLS EITHER.
- REALLY, RALPH?
- NO.
I ONLY OWN FOUR.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.