Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 10 - The Loan Shark - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

HI, JANET. I JOGGED THREE MILES,
DOWN TO THE PIER AND BACK.

ISN'T THAT GREAT? HEY, CHRISSY.

UH, YOU LOOK NICE.

NOW DON'T YOU PICK ON ME, JACK.

- HUH?
- JANET YELLED
AT ME ENOUGH.

- BECAUSE YOU LOOK NICE?
- NO.

- BECAUSE YOU LOOK NASTY?
- NO.

- JACK...
- CHRISSY, I WOULDN'T
YELL AT YOU.

I DON'T HAVE A
TEMPER LIKE JANET.



JACK, I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT IT.

CHRISSY, TAKE IT EASY.

NOTHING'S WORTH
GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT.

- NO?
- NO.

YOU'RE RIGHT, IT WAS
AN HONEST MISTAKE.

OF COURSE IT WAS, LITTLE FISHY.

NOW WHAT WENT WRONG, HUH?

WELL, I THREW AWAY TODAY'S MAIL.

- YOU WHAT?!
- JACK,

I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I JUST WENT
DOWN TO THE TRASH PAIL

AND THE TRASHMAN
ALREADY EMPTIED IT.

CHRISTY, MY G.I.-CHECK
MUST BE IN TODAY'S MAIL,

IT'S ALREADY THREE DAYS LATE.

JACK, TAKE IT EASY.
REMEMBER, YOU SAID THERE

WAS NOTHING WORTH
GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT.

RIGHT, NOTHING IS, BUT
THIS CHECK IS WORTH $300.00

AND I'VE BEEN STALLING THE
SCHOOL ON MY TUITION FOR WEEKS.

TODAY IS THE ABSOLUTE DEADLINE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT
ME TO DO ABOUT IT?

GO DOWN TO THE CITY DUMP
AND DIG UP 10 BLOCKS OF TRASH?

NO, THAT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG.

THANK YOU.

LOOK, JACK, COULDN'T THE GOVERNMENT
JUST RUSH OUT A DUPLICATE CHECK?

THE GOVERNMENT RUSH?

I BETTER RUSH. I'M
GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.

OH, ME TOO.

LOOK, JACK, DON'T WORRY, WE'LL
HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS SOMEHOW.

YEAH, I'VE ALREADY THOUGHT
OF ONE THING I COULD DO.

REALLY? WHAT?

TALK TO SOMEONE AT WORK
AND SEE IF THEY HAVE AN IDEA...

- COME.
- OH, FINE.

SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA
LEAVE ME HERE ALONE.

WELL, THANKS... LANA. HI.

I'M SO GLAD I CAUGHT
YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT.

LANA, LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE
ANY TIME TO TALK RIGHT NOW.

I NEED $ 300.00 FOR MY
SCHOOL TUITION TODAY.

DID YOU GIVE FURLEY THE
MONEY FOR THE RENT YET?

NO, THAT'S DUE TOMORROW.

GIVE THAT MONEY TO THE SCHOOL.

I'LL TALK TO RALPH AND BUY
YOU SOME TIME ON THE RENT.

YOU KNOW, HE'LL
DO ANYTHING FOR ME.

COULD YOU, LANA? THAT
WOULD BE WONDERFUL.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL, JACK.

HE JUST INSISTED
THAT I GO OUT WITH HIM.

HE'LL TAKE ME TO A DINNER
AT THE MONSTERBURGER

AND ORDER THEIR
TWO-FOR-ONE SPECIAL.

AND HE'LL RUSH ME TO THE
MOVIES BEFORE THE PRICES CHANGE.

AND THEN HE'LL INVITE ME TO
HIS APARTMENT FOR A NIGHTCAP.

HE'LL BE ALL OVER ME.

I HAVE TO KISS HIM BEFORE
I CAN GET OUT OF THERE.

LANA, YOU'D GO THROUGH
ALL OF THAT FOR ME?

NO.

EVEN YOU AREN'T WORTH ALL THAT.

THANKS ANYWAY, LANA.

HEY, DON'T WORRY, I'LL
GET THE MONEY SOMEHOW.

JACK, HI. ANY LUCK?

NO, AND I TRIED EVERYPLACE.

THE ONLY OFFER I GOT
WAS FROM A GUY WHO SAID

HE'D LEND ME SOME MONEY
ON MY LIFE INSURANCE.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
- I HAVE TO DIE FIRST.

JACK, JACK! I DID IT, I DID IT!

WHAT? WHAT?

TA-DUM!

TA-DUM!

CHRISSY, WHAT'S THIS?

YOU SILLY, IT'S MONEY. IT'S $
300.00, I BORROWED IT FOR YOU.

CHRISSY, THAT'S FANTASTIC. HOW?

HARRY, OUR WAREHOUSEMAN AT
WORK, KNEW THIS MAN, MR. BUSTAMENTE.

SO I WENT DOWN TO HIS OFFICE AND
HE LOANED ME THE MONEY RIGHT AWAY.

$300.00, NO STRINGS.

- NO INTEREST?
- OH, HE WAS INTERESTED,

THAT'S WHY HE
LOANED ME THE MONEY.

HARRY CALLED HIM A LOAN SHARK.

BUT HE SEEMED MORE
LIKE A GUPPY TO ME.

- LOAN SHARK?
- LOAN SHARK.

CHRISSY, WHY DON'T YOU START
OVER FROM THE BEGINNING?

OKAY. TA-DUM!

NOT THAT FAR BACK.

WHERE ARE THE LOAN PAPERS?

THERE AREN'T ANY.
HE SAID ALL HE WANTED

WAS YOUR NAME,
ADDRESS AND NEXT OF KIN.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY,
YOU'VE REALLY DONE IT.

THANK YOU.

BUT WHY... YOU'RE
LOOKING SO UNHAPPY.

CHRISSY, LOAN SHARKS ARE CROOKS.

THEY LOAN MONEY TO PEOPLE
AT OUTRAGEOUS INTEREST RATES.

JANET, 25 IS NOT THAT MUCH.

25 DOLLARS?

EVEN LESS THAN DOLLARS, 25%.

WHAT?!

25... 25% OF $300.00 IS $75.00.

THAT CAN'T BE.

CHRISSY, THOSE $ 75.00 IS INTEREST. THAT
GOES ON TOP OF THE MONEY YOU BORROW.

CHRISSY, WHAT'S THIS
BUSTAMENTE'S ADDRESS?

I GOT TO GET THIS MONEY
BACK TO HIM RIGHT AWAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY. HE SAID WHEN
IT WAS TIME HE'D COME LOOKING FOR YOU.

WHERE IS THE ADDRESS?

I WROTE IT ON THE
BACK OF AN ENVELOPE.

GOSH. TRY TO DO SOMEBODY
A FAVOR AROUND HERE AND...

HERE IT IS, HERE IT IS.

- 11 HOLLAND STREET.
- YOU DON'T WANT TO GO
DOWN THERE.

IF I DON'T I'M GONNA END UP
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RIVER.

IF YOU DO, YOU'LL END UP AT MY AUNTIE
HELEN'S HOUSE. THAT'S HER ADDRESS.

HERE IS THE RIGHT ONE. I STILL
DON'T SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

CHRISSY, I'LL EXPLAIN
IT TO YOU LATER.

JACK... GOOD LUCK.

DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT, JANET.
I AM COMING BACK, YOU KNOW.

YOU'LL BE CAREFUL.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

(knocking) COME IN.

MR. BUSTAMENTE?

- THAT'S RIGHT.
- HI. I'M JACK TRIPPER.

SO?

DO YOU REMEM... DO
YOU REMEMBER A...

A GIRL NAMED CHRISSY SNOW?

SHE ARRANGED A LOAN
FOR ME THIS MORNING.

- BLONDE GIRL?
- UHU.

I REMEMBER. I STILL GOT A
HEADACHE FROM THE EXPERIENCE.

- THAT'S CHRISSY.
- OH, WELL.

THIS IS MY EXECUTIVE
SECRETARY, FLOYD.

FLOYD... HELLO, HOW DO YOU DO.

I BET HE'S A STRONG TYPIST.

MR. BUSTAMENTE, UH..

I JUST CAME TO RETURN THE MONEY

THAT CHRISSY GOT
FOR ME THIS MORNING.

WHY? IS IT THE WRONG SIZE?

(mumbles)

NO, IT'S... UH...

IT'S JUST THAT I
DON'T NEED IT REALLY.

IT'S ALL THERE, ALL 300,
ONLY USED A FEW HOURS.

PROMPTNESS DON'T COUNT.

YOU KNOW, A MINUTE OR A
WEEK, THE INTEREST IS STILL $75.00.

WELL, YOU SEE, THE
THING IS, SIR, I DON'T...

I DON'T HAVE $75.00.

EXCUSE ME, MY FAULT, I'M SORRY.

I SUGGEST YOU RAISE THEM.

YOU SEE, I'M NOT... I'M NOT
WORKING AT THE MOMENT,

I'M GOING TO COOKING
SCHOOL FULL TIME,

BUT IF YOU NEED SOME ODD
JOBS DONE AROUND HERE...

PLEASE, I'VE GOT ENOUGH
DEADBEATS AROUND HERE,

I DON'T NEED... DID YOU
SAY COOKING SCHOOL?

YES, SIR, I'M STUDYING
TO BE A CHEF.

- YOU ANY GOOD?
- WELL, I'M ONE OF

THE TOP STUDENTS IN MY CLASS.

LOOK.

NOW... MY WIFE, SHE'S
FROM THE OLD COUNTRY.

SOMEHOW OR OTHER SHE
NEVER LEARNED HOW TO COOK,

CAN'T EVEN MAKE A
PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH.

WITHOUT BRAGGING,
SIR, I CAN PUT TOGETHER...

YOU SHOW HER HOW TO
MAKE MY FAVORITE DISH,

SCAMPI A LA CALABRESE,

AND I'LL FORGIVE YOUR
OUTSTANDING BALANCE.

- GEE, MR. BUSTAMENTE...
- BUT, YOU KNOW,

MY WIFE, SHE DIDN'T TAKE
TIME TO LEARN MUCH ENGLISH.

I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU SPEAK ITALIAN.

NO, BUT MY ROOM MATE DOES.

ANYWAY, WE'LL BE SPEAKING
THE LANGUAGE OF FOOD,

WHICH IS UNIVERSAL. YOU
WIFE CAN START NEXT WEEK.

- SHE CAN START IN AN HOUR.
- SHE CAN START IN AN HOUR.

WHY PUT THINGS
OFF. I'LL BE BACK.

I HOPE SO.

BECAUSE I'LL BE THERE IN TWO
HOURS TO CHECK UP ON YOU.

THAT DOESN'T GIVE
ME MUCH TIME, DOES IT?

I BETTER GET TO
THE MARKET, UH...

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU LATER. BYE,
NICE... WILL YOU EXCUSE ME?

DON'T GET UP.

OKAY, I'VE GOT THE SHRIMPS,
SO I CAN GET STARTED

AS SOON AS SHE GETS HERE.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING, GIRLS.

I HOPE MY ITALIAN
ISN'T TOO RUSTY.

IT HAS TO BE BETTER THAN MINE,

ALL I KNOW IS MERCI BEAUKAP.

- (doorbell rings)
- LOOK, LOOK.

WHATEVER THE OLD GIRL'S LIKE,
NO CRACKS, LOTS OF RESPECT.

OKAY, LOTS OF RESPECT.

I'M LUCIA BUSTAMENTE.

- COME IN.
- GRACIAS.

- OH SURE.
- (heavily accented) JACK TRIPPER?

I'M JACK TRI... TRIPPER.

I'D LIKE YOU TO
MEET JANET AND...

- CHRISSY.
- CHRISSY.

- BON GIORNO.
- MERCI BEAUKAP.

JACK.

(speaking Italian)

AHEM... WELCOME,
MRS. BUSTAMENTE,

AND I HOPE YOU WILL ENJOY YOUR MINI
TOUR OF THE WORLD OF GOURMET FOOD.

(speaking Italian)

(Italian continues)

SO IF YOU'RE READY,
WHY DON'T WE GO

INTO THE KITCHEN AND
BEGIN OUR LESSON?

OH, JACK.

(speaking Italian)

SHE'S VERY
ENTHUSIASTIC, ISN'T SHE?

JACK, LOOK. YOU CAN'T
GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

WHY NOT? SHE SEEMS VERY ANXIOUS TO
GET RIGHT TO WORK AND MAKE SOMETHING.

I UNDERSTOOD WHAT MRS.
BUSTAMENTE WAS SAYING

AND THE ONLY THING THAT
SHE WANTS TO MAKE IS YOU.

OH, COME... WHAT?

BUT, JANET, SHE'S
A MARRIED WOMAN

AND HER HUSBAND'S
A REAL TOUGH COOKIE.

ARE YOU SURE SHE WAS TALKING
ABOUT GETTING IT ON WITH ME?

JACK, YOU DO NOT HAVE
TO UNDERSTAND ITALIAN

TO KNOW WHAT THAT
LADY WAS SAYING.

I MEAN, SHE WAS SHOUTING
IT IN BODY LANGUAGE.

I THOUGHT SHE WAS GETTING A LITTLE
WORKED UP TO BE THINKING ABOUT MACARONI.

OKAY, YOU GIRLS ARE
GONNA HAVE TO HELP ME.

IF YOU HEAR ANYTHING THAT SOUNDS
LIKE I'M IN TROUBLE IN THAT KITCHEN,

- YOU COME IN FAST, OKAY.
- I CAN'T.

YOU KNOW I HAVE TO GET
BACK TO THE FLOWER SHOP.

I KNOW, BUT... JANET,
PLEASE, I NEED YOU.

I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S MY
JOB WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- I'M ALREADY LATE.
- BUT, JANET,

- I NEED SOME HELP HERE.
- I'M SORRY!

OKAY, CHRISSY. WILL YOU HELP ME
AND NOT LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HER?

YOU WANT ME TO
PROTECT YOUR HONOR?

CHRISSY... I'M SERIOUS.

IF HER HUSBAND GETS THE IDEA THAT I'M
MESSING AROUND WITH HER, IT COULD BE...

- Lucia:
Jack Tripper!
- OH, JACK TRIPPER!

WILL YOU...

IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M IN TROUBLE,
GET IN THERE AND FAST, OKAY?

OH WELL, HERE WE
ARE. MRS. BUSTAMENTE.

UH... LESSON NUMBER ONE

IN SCAMPI A LA CALABRESE.

HERE ARE THE LITTLE SHRIMPS...

(speaking Italian)

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A
LANGUAGE INSTEAD OF WOODSHOP.

MRS. BUSTAMENTE, I THINK YOU
CAN SEE BETTER FROM UP HERE.

WHOW! NOW NEITHER OF US CAN SEE.

- (speaking Italian)
- MRS. BUSTAMENTE,

WHAT ABOUT THE COOKING?
WHAT ABOUT MR. BUSTAMENTE?

MR. BUSTAMENTE IS
A BIG DUMB TURKEY.

ISN'T THAT INTERESTING HOW SOME
ITALIAN WORDS SOUND EXACTLY LIKE ENGLISH?

NO, NO, MRS.
BUSTAMENTE, SERIOUSLY...

- NO HUGGING, NO, NO.
- PLEASE.

DON'T RUN THE HAIR
THROUGH YOUR FINGERS.

NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO KISS...
MRS. BUSTAMENTE, SHE'S...

HANG ON A SECOND, WILL YOU?

CHRISSY, WHY AREN'T YOU
COMING IN HERE TO HELP ME?

YOU SAID TO COME IN IF YOU'RE IN
TROUBLE. SOUNDED LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A BALL.

GET IN HERE.

OH, CHRISSY, WHAT A SURPRISE.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE, WHY DON'T
YOU HELP LOOK FOR MY OREGANO?

TAKE ALL DAY, IF YOU HAVE TO.

OKAY.

THIS YOUR OREGANO? I'LL
BE OUTSIDE IF YOU NEED ME.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY...
(speaking Italian)

- WE GET COOKING.
- YEAH, UHM...

MRS. BUSTAMENTE, MOMENTO.

THANK YOU, MOMENTORRENTE,
QUE SERA, SERA...

CHRISSY, I'M GONNA HAVE
TO GO DOWN TO FURLEY'S

AND COOK THIS STUFF THERE. YOU
GO ENTERTAIN MRS. BUSTAMENTE.

BUT AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO TEACH HER TO COOK?

IF THIS SHRIMP ISN'T COOKED BY
THE TIME HER HUSBAND GETS HERE,

HE'S GONNA COOK MY GOOSE. WILL YOU
JUST OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME, PLEASE?

GOOD GOD.

CHRISSY, YOU GET...

CHRISSY, YOU'RE GETTING TO ME.

JUST ENTERTAIN MRS.
BUSTAMENTE WHILE I'M GONE.

BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY...

ANYTHING. JUST TALK TO
HER, TELL HER A STORY.

HI, MRS. BUSTAMENTE. WHY
DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE
TIME WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD?

MY COUSIN AND I HAD THIS FROG,
HIS NAME WAS FROGGY, AND...

(speaking Italian)

YOU DON'T LIKE THAT
ONE? HOW ABOUT THE TIME

WHEN THEY WOULDN'T LET ME ON
MY HIGH SCHOOL DEBATING TEAM?

THEY SAID I ARGUED TOO MUCH.

LANA, WHERE ARE YOU? I'VE
BEEN WAITING OVER AN HOUR.

LANA, I JUST THINK
IT'S REALLY FUNNY

THE WAY YOU KEEP PRETENDING
THAT YOU DON'T WANNA SEE ME.

LISTEN, WHEN YOU GET HERE I WANT YOU
TO BE ALL PUCKERED UP AND READY TO GO,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA WASTE TIME
LOOKING ALL OVER YOUR FACE FOR LIPS.

(doorbell rings)

SHE MUST HAVE RUN ALL THE WAY.

LANA, IT'S OPEN.

YOU'RE LATE, POOKEY PIE.

YOU'RE GONNA LEARN SOON THAT RALPHIE
DOESN'T LIKE HIS WOMEN TO KEEP HIM WAITING.

DON'T BE NERVOUS, COME IN
AND GET YOUR GIGGLE WATER.

UH... NONE FOR ME, THANKS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I SAW LANA ON HER WAY
OUT, SHE ISN'T COMING.

OH, STILL PLAYING
HARD TO GET, HUH?

MR. FURLEY, THERE'S A
WOMAN IN MY KITCHEN.

I'M ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR
MICE AND COCKROACHES.

THE WOMAN IS YOUR PROBLEM.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I
WAS EXPECTING AN OLDER LADY

TO COME OVER FOR A COOKING LESSON,
BUT INSTEAD SHE'S YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL.

- BEAUTIFUL?
- YEAH.

BUT SHE'S ITALIAN, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
HER AND SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME.

EVERY TIME I START TO TALK
COOKING, SHE'S ALL OVER ME.

NO KIDDING?

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.

I SAID SCAMPI A LA CALABRESE,
AND SHE TRIED TO KISS ME.

OF COURSE, SHE'S PROBABLY
TURNED ON BY CHEFS.

HOW COULD SHE KNOW SHE
WAS GETTING A CHEFETTE?

MR. FURLEY, WOULD YOU MIND IF I
USED YOUR KITCHEN FOR A WHILE?

NO, BE MY GUEST.

YOU SAY SHE REALLY DIGS IT WHEN
YOU TALK ITALIAN COOKING TO HER, RIGHT?

WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

UH... BAKE YOUR
LITTLE HEART OUT.

SO THEN WE DECIDED TO GO DOWN TO
WHERE MY KITTY USED TO LIKE TO HIDE.

THAT WAS THE
YEAR AFTER I WAS 12.

WHEN I WAS 13.

NOW, NORMALLY CATS LIKE
TO HIDE UNDER A PORCH.

BUT NOT MY KITTY. WE
DON'T HAVE A PORCH.

I KNEW YOU'D LIKE THAT ONE.

ANYWAY, I WASN'T GONNA ASK
MY PARENTS TO BUY A NEW HOUSE

JUST SO FIFI COULD
HAVE A PLACE TO HIDE.

ANYWAY, ME AND MY COUSIN WENT
DOWN THERE AND GUESS WHAT?

THE KITTY WASN'T THERE.

I'D ALWAYS FIGURED
SHE WAS HIDING.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK,
JUST A MINUTE.

THERE'S MORE. AL DENTE.

MAMA MIA...

HI, MR. FURLEY.

BON JOURNEY.

YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?

FIT AS A PIZZA.

LISTEN, JACK ASKED
ME TO COME UP HERE

AND KEEP A YOUNG
ITALIAN GIRL COMPANY.

I UNDERSTAND SHE'S
IN THE KITCHEN?

BUT SHE DOESN'T SPEAK MUCH
ENGLISH. WILL YOU KNOW WHAT TO SAY?

DID ROMEO KNOW WHAT
TO SAY TO CLEOPATRA?

ARRIVEDERCI! CHEF RALPH.

(speaking Italian)

YOU'RE REALLY A KNOCKOUT.

AND HOW DO I LOOK TO
YOU? PRETTY GOOD, EH?

(speaking Italian)

I KNEW IT, AND NOW A LITTLE COOKING
TALK TO REALLY GET US WARMED UP.

I JUST FINISHED PREPARING A
FANTASTIC LINGUINI BAMBARDO.

LOMBARDI... LOMBARDO.

LINGUINI. OH. (speaking Italian)

UH, NOW I'M REALLY GETTING
TO YOU, AREN'T I? SO...

(speaking Italian)

I WAS JUST GONNA ASK
YOU FOR A DATE TONIGHT.

(speaking Italian)

I'VE HEARD ABOUT
YOU FIERY ITALIANS.

THERE IS NO-NO ON YOUR
LIPS, BUT SI-SI IN YOUR HEART.

(speaking Italian)

IF THIS IS WHAT TURNS
YOU ON, THE DATE IS OFF.

- HEY, HOLD IT, STOP IT.
- (speaking Italian)

WHAT'S GOING ON?

MR. FURLEY IS KEEPING MRS.
BUSTAMENTE COMPANY IN THERE.

HELL, BY DESTROYING OUR KITCHEN?

THE SCAMPI TURNED OUT
FANTASTIC. TAKE A BITE.

JACK, WHAT...

MR. FURLEY, HOW COULD
THAT HAPPEN TO YOU?

SHE'S NOT ITALIAN, SHE'S CRAZY.

(speaking Italian)

OH, JACK. (speaking Italian)

UH, NO, I MADE THE SCAMPI...

AHEM.

(stutters)

WE WERE JUST COOKING
TOGETHER... WE WERE

COOKING TOGETHER, WE
WERE JUST MAKING SOME...

MR. BUSTAMENTE,
WOULD YOU... HOW... EAT.

THIS IS MARVELOUS.

- YOU TWO COOKED THIS UP?
- OH YEAH.

WELL, YOU'RE A GENIUS
INSTRUCTOR, MR. TRIPPER.

IT'S THE BEST I EVER TASTED.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU. YOU
KNOW, MRS. BUSTAMENTE

COULD BE A FINE COOK
IF SHE WANTED TO BE.

NOW, WHY WERE
YOU KISSING MY WIFE.

KISSING... KISSING...
(speaking Italian)

MR. TRIPPER, COME HERE.

JANET, YOU CAN HAVE MY
CLOCK RADIO. CHRISSY...

MY WIFE EXPLAINED
WHAT WAS GOING ON HERE.

UHM?

YOU'RE GONNA LEARN THAT WHEN A
MAN FOOLS AROUND WITH A WOMAN

THE WAY YOU HAVE, HE'S
GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

DON'T YOU THINK
I'M A LITTLE YOUNG?

OF COURSE NOT. YOU'RE JUST
THE RIGHT AGE TO START A FAMILY.

- HUH? I MEAN... HUH?
- FORGET THE $75.00.

AND HERE IS A LITTLE SOMETHING
TO HELP WITH THE BLESSED EVENT.

AND... LUCIA...

COME MY DEAR, YOU COULD
COOK DINNER FOR ME TONIGHT.

MOMENTO.

CONGRATULATIONE.

- CIAO.
- CIAO.

MERCI BEAUKAP.

I WONDER WHAT SHE SAID TO
GET ME OFF THE HOOK LIKE THAT?

- SHE JUST STRETCHED
THE TRUTH A LITTLE.
- HOW?

WELL, I DIDN'T GET ALL OF IT,
BUT IT WENT SOMETHING LIKE...

SHE WAS KISSING YOU
BECAUSE SHE'D JUST FOUND OUT

THAT YOU AND YOUR WIFE CHRISSY
WERE EXPECTING A LITTLE TRIPPER.

- WHAT?
- A LITTLE TRIPPER.

AND CHRISSY NEEDED THE MONEY
TO PAY FOR THE BABY DOCTOR.

AND HE BELIEVED THAT?
WELL, HE MUST HAVE,

I'M STANDING HERE WITHOUT
ANY EXTRA HOLES IN MY HEAD.

I'M NOT MRS. TRIPPER. I'M
GONNA GO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT.

CHRISSY!

- UH, YEAH.
- WHY...

JACK, I'VE GOT GOOD NEWS.

THE GOVERNMENT SENT A
DUPLICATE OF YOUR CHECK THAT I LOST.

GREAT! CHRISSY, WHERE IS IT?

I WANTED TO PUT IT IN A SAFE PLACE,
SO I THOUGHT OF THE CLOTHES HAMPER.

NO, CHRISSY, NOT
THE CLOTHES HAMPER.

I EMPTIED THAT THIS MORNING, I
PUT EVERYTHING IN THE WASHER.

OH NO.

THAT'S WHAT I
THOUGHT MIGHT HAPPEN,

SO I THOUGHT A BETTER PLACE
WOULD BE UNDER THE KITCHEN SINK.

CHRISSY, THE SINK
HAS A LEAK IN IT.

YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE
THE SINK EITHER.

CHRISSY, WHERE IS IT?

I PUT IT IN THE
SAFEST PLACE I KNOW.

IN MY SHOE.

OH, NO CHECK. IT IS NOT
HERE, OH NO, I DID IT AGAIN.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY,
TAKE IT EASY, CALM DOWN.

CALM DOWN. TRY THE OTHER SHOE.

I KNEW IT.

WELL, I ONLY MISSED BY ONE.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.