Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 4, Episode 11 - The Love Barge - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- HI.
- HI, CHRISSY.

WHY DO YOU HAVE ONE SHOE OFF?

I GOT GUM STUCK ON IT.

UGH, NO, WHERE DID THAT HAPPEN?

ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE.

I KNOW THAT THE GUM IS ON
THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE.

THEN WHY'D YOU ASK?

I'M SORRY.

I THINK I BETTER GET A
KNIFE AND SCRAPE THIS OFF.



CHRISSY, YOU DON'T NEED A
KNIFE, YOU CAN USE AN ICE CUBE.

- REALLY?
- OH, YEAH.

HEY, GIRLS, WAIT TILL
YOU HEAR THE NEWS.

NOT NOW, JACK, I'VE GOT TO
GO PUT AN ICE CUBE ON MY SHOE.

WHY? HAS IT GOT A HEADACHE?

I'M SERIOUS.

CHRISSY, THAT'S CRAZY. WHY WOULD
YOU PUT AN ICE CUBE ON YOUR SHOE?

I TOLD HER TO.

OH, WELL, THAT MAKES
A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE.

THE ICE CUBE WILL GET THE GUM
OFF THE BOTTOM OF HER SHOE.

OH, I KNEW THAT.

OH, WHAT'S YOUR GOOD NEWS?

COME HERE, GIRLS, COME HERE.

- I AM GOING ON A CRUISE.
- Both girls: YOU ARE?!

YEAH, THERE WAS A WANT
AD ON OUR BULLETIN BOARD...

ASSISTANT CHEF WANTED
FOR A SEVEN-DAY CRUISE

AND I GOT THE JOB.

- OH, JACK!
- JACK, THIS IS WONDERFUL.

WELL, IT DOESN'T PAY MUCH, BUT
THEY'RE LETTING ME TAKE A FRIEND ALONG.

- THEY ARE?
- OH, THAT'S RIGHT
AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I AM GOING TO TAKE THE GIRL I WOULD
MOST LIKE TO SHARE A DINGHY WITH.

WHO? WHO? WHO?

- MARY MILES.
- MAR-MARY MILES?!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

CAN YOU IMAGINE SEVEN DAYS AT
SEA WITH THAT GORGEOUS CREATURE?

WAIT A MINUTE, I
JUST REMEMBERED...

MARY GETS SEASICK WHEN
SHE WASHES HER HAIR.

JACK,

DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK THROUGH YOUR
PHONE BOOK TO THINK OF SOMEONE TO TAKE?

OF COURSE NOT.

(girls giggling)

NO, I KNOW DEBBIE
WEBNER'S PHONE NUMBER.

SHE'S PERFECT. SHE COMES WITH HER
OWN WATER-WINGS AND EVERYTHING.

SHE ALSO COMES WITH
HER OWN HUSBAND.

- HUH?
- SHE GOT MARRIED
LAST MONTH.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

SHOULDN'T YOU TAKE
SOMEONE CLOSER TO YOU?

EXCUSE ME.

SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU INSIDE OUT

AND UPSIDE DOWN AND BACKWARDS.

DOCTOR MONTGOMERY'S NURSE.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
DATE HER FOR A LONG TIME.

JACK, CHRISSY WAS TALKING ABOUT
SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN WITH YOU

- WHEN YOU WERE
SCRAMBLING AND STRUGGLING.
- TRYING TO MAKE IT.

JOANNE BONNY.

SHE WON'T PUT UP MUCH
OF A FIGHT ON A CRUISE.

- HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
- YEAH.

IF I EVER GET TO GO ON A FREE CRUISE,
I'M GONNA DO THE SAME THING TO HIM.

YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
JOANNE BONNY TOO?

OH, I HATE THESE
ANSWERING MACHINES.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YEAH, I KNOW, WHEN YOU HEAR
THE TONE, LEAVE A MESSAGE.

HELLO, JOANNE, THIS IS
CAPTAIN HORATIO HORNBLOWER.

NOW HEAR THIS... IF YOU'RE FOND
OF ROMANCE ON THE HIGH SEAS,

CALL JEE-ACK TRIPPER
AS SOON AS YOU GET HOME.

♪ ANCHORS AWEIGH, MY
GIRL, ANCHORS AWEIGH... ♪

(whistling) ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
MUSTER IN THE GALLEY.

(mocking) MUSTER IN THE GALLEY.

OKAY, GIRLS, NOW LISTEN...

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO GET YOUR SEA LEGS

WHILE STILL ON LAND.

(mocking) WHILE STILL ON LAND.

JANET, WOULD YOU TAKE THAT
PAN AND FILL IT WITH WATER, PLEASE?

(mocking) FILL IT
WITH WATER, PLEASE?

CHRISSY, BUCKER UP NOW.

AND I NEED THIS AND...

THIS TRICK WAS TAUGHT TO ME BY BISCUITS
McGILLICUTTY WHEN I WAS IN THE NAVY.

BISCUITS WAS THE HEAD
COOK ON THE YORKTOWN.

HE WAS SO GREAT.

HE MADE CHILI DURING THE
BATTLE OF THE CORAL SEA

AND HE NEVER LOST A BEAN.

(Jack chuckles)

BISCUITS DID THAT. ANYWAY, UH...

WHAT YOU DO IS YOU PUT
YOUR ROLLING PIN ON THE FLOOR

AND YOU TAKE YOUR
BREAD BOARD RIGHT HERE.

PUT IT RIGHT ON TOP
OF THE ROLLING PIN.

THEN YOU BALANCE ON IT,
JUST AS IF IT'S THE ROUGH SEAS.

LIKE THIS, SEE?

ISN'T IT A SHAME ED SULLIVAN
COULDN'T BE HERE TO SEE THIS?

- ALL RIGHT, NOW, JANET...
- HMM-MM?

- YOU HAND ME
THAT PAN OF WATER.
- OKAY.

OKAY, SO WHAT YOU DO IS
YOU PRETEND THIS IS HOT SOUP

AND YOU TRY NOT
TO SPILL ANY OF IT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
ONE OF US ON THE CRUISE?

WE'RE YOUR BEST FRIENDS.

YOU MAY BE MY BEST FRIENDS,

BUT JOANNE BONNY IS MY BEST
BET, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

- JACK.
- YEAH?

WHAT KIND OF SOUP IS THAT?

RIGHT NOW, IT'S CONSOMMÉ.

OH-OH.

HEY, THAT'S MY ADDRESS BOOK.

YEAH, LET'S MAKE
IT ALPHABET SOUP.

HEY!

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

YOU NEVER EVEN ONCE THOUGHT OF
TAKING ONE OF US ON YOUR CRUISE, DID YOU?

BELIEVE ME, IF IT WERE
A TRIP TO DISNEYLAND,

YOU GIRLS WOULD
BE THE FIRST TO GO.

I SUPPOSE YOU'D TAKE US IF WE
FOOLED AROUND, WOULDN'T YOU?

IF THE TWO OF YOU FOOLED AROUND,

I'D BE TOO TIRED
TO GO ON A CRUISE.

- YOU'RE DISGUSTING!
- OH, COME ON! LOOK.

I CAN ONLY TAKE ONE PERSON.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I ASKED ONE OF YOU GIRLS

- TO GO AND NOT
THE OTHER ONE.
- CHRISSY: WHAT?

- YEAH, WHAT?
- OH, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, ONE OF YOU
WOULD GET HURT AND ANGRY.

AND THEN THERE'D BE INSULTS
FLOATING BACK AND FORTH.

PRETTY SOON YOU'D STOP
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.

THEN SOMEBODY
WOULD GET MAD AT ME,

WE'D SPLIT UP, MOVE OUT,
GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS

AND NEVER SEE EACH OTHER
AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS WE'D LIVE.

GO ON.

GO ON?! ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

JACK, YOU KNOW THAT
WOULDN'T HAPPEN.

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL
MATURE PEOPLE HERE.

WE WOULD FIGURE A
WAY TO WORK IT OUT.

YEAH, JANET COULD GO THIS
TIME AND I COULD GO NEXT TIME.

Janet: YEAH.

SUPPOSE THERE IS NO NEXT TIME?

THEN I COULD GO THIS TIME
AND JANET COULD GO NEXT TIME.

CHRISSY? WHY ARE YOU THE ONE
DECIDING WHO GOES THIS TIME?

- I'M JUST TRYING
TO BE FAIR, JANET.
- SEE? SEE?

- THAT DOESN'T SOUND...
- THE ARGUMENTS ARE STARTING ALREADY

AND I HAVEN'T EVEN DECIDED WHICH
ONE OF YOU I'M GONNA TAKE YET.

- Janet: OH, JACK!
- Chrissy: JACK!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? I MUST
BE LOSING MY MIND. I HAVE NO BRAINS.

I HAVE NO BACKBONE. I
AM A SPINELESS JELLYFISH.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT
WE LOVE ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MAKE
AN EXCUSE TO JOANNE WHEN SHE CALLS.

- WELL, YOU CAN DO THAT.
- (Jack sighs)

OKAY, I'LL DECIDE WHICH
ONE OF YOU GOES. BUT, UH,

I'M GONNA FLIP A COIN.
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT.

- JANET, YOU CALL.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE!

WHY DOES SHE GET TO CALL IT?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES
IT MAKE WHO CALLS IT?

DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME.

LISTEN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

SHE CALLS IT, SHE GETS
TO CHOSE HEADS OR TAILS!

- RIGHT.
- SO FIGURE IT OUT! SHE GETS TWO CHOICES

AND I GET NONE!

ALL THESE YEARS, IT
ALWAYS SEEMED FAIR.

OKAY, CHRISSY. HOW
DO YOU WANNA DO IT?

HAVE JACK PICK A NUMBER
BETWEEN ONE AND 100,

WHOEVER GETS THE CLOSEST
TO IT GETS TO GO ON THE TRIP.

- FAIR ENOUGH.
- Janet: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I GOT THE NUMBER.

ALL RIGHT, I PICK 34.

THAT'S THE NUMBER I WANTED.

PERHAPS YOU COULD PICK
ANOTHER NUMBER, CHRISSY.

WHY CAN'T SHE PICK
ANOTHER NUMBER?

- WHY DOES IT ALWAYS
HAVE TO BE ME?
- BECAUSE, YOU SEE,

JANET ALREADY PICKED ONE.

YEAH, BUT SHE PICKED MINE! WHY
CAN'T SHE PICK ONE OF HER OWN?

(exhales sharply) I
WILL, I WILL, CHRISSY.

- I PICK 67.
- OH, SURE, NOW THAT
YOU KNOW MY NUMBER.

ALL RIGHT! THAT'S IT!

- THIS WHOLE THING
IS GETTING RIDICULOUS NOW.
- (knocking)

- WHO IS IT?!
- Mr. Furley: IT'S R.F.!

ALL RIGHT, IT'S FURLEY.

I GOT IT! FURLEY WILL DECIDE.

- WHAT?
- YEAH, WHICHEVER
ONE OF YOU GIRLS

HE SPEAKS TO FIRST,
GETS TO GO ON THE CRUISE.

- (Jack's hands clap)
- BUT, BUT, YOU CAN'T
SPEAK TO HIM FIRST.

AGREED?

- OKAY.
- CHRISSY?

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

WELL THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONE
BANANAS, I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

- Jack: WHAT'S WRONG?
- OH, IT'S THAT MRS. MURPHY
IN 209.

HER RENT'S DUE AND EVERY
TIME I GO TO COLLECT IT,

- SHE DOES
SOMETHING CRAZY.
- Jack: REALLY?

YEAH, LAST MONTH SHE GAVE
ME THE RENT WITH A BIG SMILE.

THEN WHEN I LEFT, SHE
YELLED, "STOP, THIEF!"

"STOP, THIEF!" I WAS
ALMOST ARRESTED.

- Jack: THAT'S TERRIBLE.
- YEAH, I CAN'T STAND
HER BIRD.

WHAT?

- KEEPS INSULTING ME.
- HUH?

SHE'S GOT THIS PARROT
TRAINED TO CALL ME NASTY NAMES.

- Jack: LIKE WHAT?
- I DON'T WANT TO REPEAT
DIRTY BIRD TALK

IN FRONT OF...

IN FRONT OF... WELL, YOU
KNOW, THE GIRLS HERE.

UH, MR. FURLEY, WOULD
YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN?

OH, THANK YOU. I TELL YOU, JACK,

THIS WOMAN HAS
JUST GOT ME SO UP...

I'M JUST A LANDLORD TRYING
TO DO HIS DUTY, YOU KNOW!

(inhales sharply)

BUT TO TELL YOU THE
TRUTH, I'M AFRAID TO BE ALONE

WITH THAT DING-A-LING!

WOULD YOU GO DOWN
THERE WITH ME, JACK?

MR. FURLEY, WOULDN'T IT BE BETTER
TO ASK ONE OF THE GIRLS TO GO?

JACK, YOU'RE CLOSE ENOUGH.

- JACK, WILL YOU
GO WITH ME?
- UH...

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO ANYTHING EXCEPT BE THERE

IN CASE SHE GOES BERSERK. UH...

MR. FURLEY, I THINK IT WOULD BE NICER IF
YOU ASKED EITHER JANET OR CHRISSY TO GO.

ALL RIGHT! FORGET
I ASKED, OKAY?!

JANET, WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH HER?!

I WON! I WON!

(Chrissy crying)

I'M SORRY, CHRISSY.

OH, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU, MR. FURLEY.

- FOR WHAT?
- FOR NOT SPEAKING
TO CHRISSY.

BUT I AM SPEAKING TO CHRISSY.

CHRISSY? AREN'T WE
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER?

DON'T TRY TO MAKE
UP, IT'S TOO LATE.

WHAT DID I DO TO CHRISSY?

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO
CHRISSY. YOU DID IT TO JANET.

WELL IF I DID IT TO JANET,
WHY ISN'T JANET MAD AT ME?

BECAUSE SHE WANTED YOU TO
DO IT. SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN MAD

IF YOU DID IT TO CHRISSY.

WILL YOU PLEASE
TELL ME WHAT I DID?!

- YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!
- THANK YOU!

THAT'S WHY I'M MAD!

MRS. MURPHY AND HER PARROT

HAVE GOT THIS WHOLE
BUILDING SCREWED UP!

OH.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING
IN FRONT OF MR. FURLEY,

BUT YOU GIRLS ARE DOING
JUST WHAT I SAID YOU WOULD!

- Janet: WHAT?
- COME ON, LOOK AT YOU.

JANET'S GLOATING,
CHRISSY'S POUTING.

WE ALMOST GOT INTO A
FIGHT WITH MR. FURLEY.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T WANT
TO TAKE EITHER ONE OF YOU.

- (Janet sighs)
- (Chrissy tisks)

YOU'RE RIGHT, JACK.

JANET?

- YEAH?
- IT WAS FAIR
AND SQUARE

AND I'M GLAD YOU WON.

CHRISSY. OH...
CHRISSY, THANK YOU!

HEY, LISTEN...

IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY,
YOU COULD HELP ME PACK.

- OH, SURE.
- OKAY.

- YOU CAN USE
MY NEW SUITCASE.
- OH, THANKS! HEY,

YOU KNOW? I SHOULD TAKE A
COUPLE OF BATHING SUITS, HUH?

YEAH, IT GETS CHILLY AT NIGHT, SO
YOU WANT TO TAKE SOMETHING WARM.

YOU COULD USE MY NEW
SWEATER. YOU KNOW,

THE ONE WITH THE FUR
COLLAR THAT I'VE NEVER WORN?

Both: OOOOH!

CHRISSY! THAT
WOULD BE SO PERFECT!

OH, CAN'T YOU JUST SEE ME
STANDING THERE AT THE RAIL

LOOKING OUT OVER THE
WATER WITH THE WAVES LAPPING

AND THE MOONLIGHT ON THE
WATER AND WIND BLOWING IN MY HAIR?

- (Janet sighs)
- I'LL GO GET THE SWEATER NOW.

THANKS, CHRISSY.

(Janet squeals)

(Chrissy sniffles, cries)

(door slams)

DO YOU THINK SHE'S UPSET?

NO.

SHE ALWAYS CRIES
LIKE THAT AROUND 5:30.

(Chrissy crying)

CHRISSY? ARE YOU OKAY?

- SURE.
- YEAH? OH GOOD.

- I WANT YOU TO HAVE
A GOOD TIME.
- OH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I SHOULD
PROBABLY TAKE A FORMAL OUTFIT.

THERE'LL PROBABLY BE A PARTY
NIGHT WITH DANCING AFTER.

- DANCING?
- Janet: UH-HUH.

I LOVE DANCING.

- CHRISSY?!
- (Chrissy sniffling) WHAT?

ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS
EVERY TIME WE BRING UP THE TRIP?

NO.

CHRISSY, PLEASE! YOU'RE TAKING
ALL THE FUN OUT OF THIS FOR ME.

- WELL I CAN'T HELP IT!
- (Janet growls)

I WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF I
STAYED HOME AND YOU WENT.

OH, JANET! THANK YOU!

(Chrissy laughing)

WHAT?

WHY YOU WOULD GO, WOULDN'T YOU?

WELL YOU SAID I COULD.

(Janet stammering)

I'M NEVER SPEAKING TO
YOU AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

(door slams)

WELL I AM NEVER SPEAKING
TO HER AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

(door slams)

(door slams)

(door slams)

THE NEXT TIME I TAKE EITHER
ONE OF YOU GIRLS ANYWHERE,

I'M GONNA LEAVE
YOU BOTH AT HOME!

I'M STARTING TO
SOUND LIKE CHRISSY.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'M GETTING A HEADACHE.

HI, LANA. COME ON IN.

OH, JACK, I'M SO GLAD
I CAUGHT YOU ALONE.

UH, NOT NOW, LANA. I'VE
GOT ENOUGH PROBLEMS.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, JACK.

I MEAN, I REALLY LIKE YOU.

AND I DON'T WANT TO
JEOPARDIZE OUR FRIENDSHIP

BY FORCING MYSELF ON YOU.

WELL THAT'S REALLY
SWEET OF YOU TO SAY, LANA.

(gasps)

I'LL TELL YOU, I COULD USE
SOME CHEERING UP RIGHT NOW.

OH, WHAT'S WRONG, JACK?

BIG FIGHT. JANET AND
CHRISSY AREN'T EVEN SPEAKING

- TO EACH OTHER.
- OH, THOSE SILLY GIRLS!

WELL, HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

WELL, I GOT A JOB
ON A CRUISE SHIP

AND I GET TO TAKE
SOMEBODY ALONG WITH ME.

- SO...
- OH, JACK, TAKE ME!

- HUH? NO, LANA.
- I'D DO ANYTHING TO BE
ALONE WITH YOU.

LANA, DON'T! LANA,
LANA, PLEASE STOP IT!

- WILL YOU COOL IT?!
- OH, JACK.

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

(stammering) WELL,
I... YOU KNOW,

HEY, I'D TAKE YOU IF I COULD.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT TO
KEEP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF.

NO, NO, NO. LANA, NO, LOOK, I...

I MEAN IT SINCERELY. I'D
TAKE YOU JUST LIKE THAT,

EXCEPT I GOTTA CHOOSE
ONE OF THE GIRLS.

JACK... YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

YEAH, WELL.

- WHICH ONE OF THEM
IS GOING WITH YOU?
- WELL, SEE,

THAT'S WHAT THE WHOLE FIGHT IS
ABOUT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.

JACK?

WHY DON'T I TALK TO THEM.

MAYBE I COULD
STRAIGHTEN THEM OUT.

- COULD YOU?
- TRUST ME, JACK.

JANET'S IN HER ROOM,
CHRISSY'S IN MY BEDROOM.

- I'LL BE IN THE KITCHEN
WORKING ON MY SEA LEGS.
- OKAY.

- GOOD LUCK.
- THANKS.

JANET? CHRISSY? IT'S LANA!

COULD I TALK TO
YOU FOR A MINUTE?

YOU COULD TALK TO ME.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT
WHAT'S-HER-NAME.

YOU CAN REMEMBER MY NAME.

MY MOTHER TOLD ME
THAT WHEN I WAS MAD,

I SHOULD NEVER
CALL ANYBODY NAMES.

- STICKING OUT YOUR TONGUE
IS A LITTLE IMMATURE.
- GIRLS, STOP IT!

WHY YOU SHOULD BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES!

- YOU'RE BEING VERY SELFISH.
- THAT'S RIGHT, JANET.

I'M TALKING TO YOU TOO, CHRISSY.

ME? OH.

WELL, JUST LOOK AT
YOURSELVES. I MEAN...

YOU'RE NOT EVEN
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER.

PRETTY SOON YOU WON'T
EVEN BE SPEAKING TO JACK.

IS THIS TRIP WORTH

BREAKING UP THE RELATIONSHIP

THAT THE THREE OF YOU HAVE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

- (Janet tisks)
- Chrissy: (tisks) JANET?

- YEAH?
- YOU GO ON THE TRIP

AND I HOPE YOU HAVE
A WONDERFUL TIME.

NO, CHRISSY.

YOU GO. HEY, YOU'RE A MUCH
BETTER DANCER THAN ME.

YEAH, BUT IF I GO AND YOU
STAY, I WON'T ENJOY MYSELF.

WELL, IF I GO, I'LL
FEEL THE SAME WAY.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THE
TWO OF YOU ARE SAYING?

- WHAT?
- NO.

THAT NEITHER ONE
OF YOU SHOULD GO.

WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?

I'LL GO BREAK THE NEWS TO JACK.

JACK? EVERYTHING'S OKAY.

- NEITHER ONE
OF THE GIRLS IS GOING.
- OH, FANTASTIC!

- I'LL GO PACK.
- RIGHT.

WHAT?! NO, WAIT...

SURE, SURE. THIS IS GONNA
BE A TERRIFIC VACATION.

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT
AND NOW IT'S ALL RUINED.

SEVEN DAYS AT SEA WITH LANA.

AND IT'S ALL OUR FAULT.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT, IT IS!

- OH, JACK, WHAT CAN I DO
TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?
- NO, CHRISSY,

I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD THINK
OF SOMETHING TO DO TO MAKE IT UP.

HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA. LET'S TOSS A
COIN TO SEE WHO DOES THE MAKING UP.

NO, NO. THAT'S HOW THIS
WHOLE THING GOT STARTED.

I WAS GONNA LET JANET
CALL FIRST THIS TIME.

IT'S TOO LATE FOR
ANYTHING ANYWAY, CHRISSY.

I'M LEAVING ANY MINUTE. THEY'RE
SENDING ONE OF THE CREW-MEMBERS

- OVER HERE TO PICK ME UP.
- WELL, UH...

- WHERE'S LANA?
- (Jack sighs)

SHE WENT OUT TO
BUY A FEW THINGS.

SHE'LL MEET ME ON THE SHIP.

I'LL BE THE ONLY PASSENGER
ON BOARD WITH HIS OWN SHARK.

(girls whisper)

JACK, THIS ISN'T MUCH, BUT
JANET AND I BOUGHT YOU

A BON VOYAGE PRESENT
FOR YOUR CRUISE.

WE THOUGHT MAYBE
IT WOULD HELP MAKE UP

FOR ALL THE TROUBLE
WE'VE CAUSED YOU.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BUT YOU
KNOW, IT'S A CAPTAIN'S HAT.

- (doorbell rings)
- WELL, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T
LET IT GO TO YOUR HEAD.

- HI, MR. FURLEY. ANY LUCK?
- NO.

THAT CRUISE IS
COMPLETELY SOLD OUT.

THE CRUISE? WE DIDN'T KNOW

YOU WERE TRYING
TO GO ON THAT TRIP.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I'D GIVE ANYTHING
TO SPEND A WEEK AT SEA WITH LANA.

THE WORLD WOULD BE OUR WATERBED.

THERE'S JUST NO JUSTICE. YOU
CAN'T GET ON AND I CAN'T GET OFF.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.

SENDING YOU ON
A CRUISE WITH LANA

IS LIKE SENDING A TAILOR
TO A NUDIST COLONY.

- (all chuckle)
- (doorbell rings)

- Chrissy: I'LL GET IT.
- (Janet chuckles)

- WELL, HI.
- HI.

OH, I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP SOMEBODY
HERE THAT'S GOING TO THE DOCK.

- OH YEAH,
COME ON IN.
- THANKS.

- HI, YOU'RE JACK TRIPPER?
- ME? JACK TRIPPER?

(Mr. Furley, Janet chuckle)

YEAH, HE'S JACK TRIPPER!

YEAH, YEAH. "OLD BEANS
AND GROG" TRIPPER,

- THAT'S WHAT
THEY CALL HIM.
- OH, I JUST KNEW IT.

ALL NAVY COOKS LOOK THE SAME.

- UH...
- OH, AND HE'S THE BEST.

AND HE KNOWS THAT...

ALL ASSISTANT CHEFS ON A CRUISE,

ALL THEY HAVE TO
DO IS FOLLOW ORDERS.

- HE KNOWS IT'S GOING TO BE
SO EASY FOR HIM.
- Janet: YEAH.

JUST LOOK AT HIM. HE CAN'T
WAIT TO GET COOKING AT SEA.

YOU'LL LOVE HIS
SPECIALTY... LANA-BURGERS.

WELL, YOU READY TO GO, TRIPPER?

- YEAH, WHAT ARE WE
WAITING FOR?
- HEY, HEY

IS THIS THE PRETTY, LITTLE
LADY WHO'S GOING WITH YOU?

- Mr. Furley: UH, NO.
- OH, IT'S THIS LITTLE
CUTIE HERE, HUH?

- NOPE.
- NO?

- OH.
- NO, NO, NO. ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'M WITH THESE GIRLS.
HE'S GOT HIS GIRL

- WAITING FOR HIM
ON BOARD.
- OH, GOOD, GOOD.

- WELL WE BETTER
GET GOING.
- YEAH.

- IS THAT YOUR BAG?
- NO, I'LL PICK MY STUFF
UP DOWNSTAIRS.

ANCHORS AWEIGH.

WELL, I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO
SEE THE LOOK ON LANA'S FACE.

OH, IT'LL BE SOMETHING
TO REMEMBER, I'M SURE.

BON VOYAGE, MR. FURLEY.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS
PROBABLY THE NICEST THING

ANYONE COULD EVER
DO FOR ANYBODY.

OH, MR. FURLEY.

GOSH, FOR YOU, ANYTHING.

WELL I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT ME.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE
FAVOR YOU'RE DOING FOR LANA.

OH, JACK.

I GUESS YOU'RE REALLY
DISAPPOINTED, HUH?

NAH, THERE'LL BE OTHER CRUISES

I'LL GO ON THE NEXT ONE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE WITH YOU?

- (growling)
- WELL, SEE, I WAS THINKING

- THAT THIS TIME YOU
SHOULD TAKE JOANNE.
- YEAH, OR MARY MILES.

- EVEN IF SHE GETS
NAUSEOUS, WHO CARES?
- OR MRS. MURPHY'S PARROT.

- IT'LL LOOK GREAT
ON YOUR ARM.
- YEAH.

(girls screaming)

OW!

- HI, CHRISSY.
- HI.

OH, YOU JUST MISSED IT. MR. FURLEY
JUST CALLED SHORE TO SHIP.

NO, CHRISSY, THAT'S
SHIP TO SHORE.

NO IT ISN'T. HE
REVERSED THE CHARGES.

WHAT DID HE HAVE TO SAY?
IS HE HAVING A GOOD TIME?

I GUESS SO, BUT THOSE DINING
ROOMS ON THE SHIP MUST BE REALLY BIG.

- Jack: WHY?
- CAUSE HE SAID HE LOST
HIS DINNER

TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW.

DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT LANA?

OH, LANA GOT ON
THE PHONE HERSELF.

- OH, WHAT'D SHE SAY?
- SHE LEFT A MESSAGE
FOR YOU, JACK.

HERE, I WROTE IT DOWN.

DEAR, JACK. THERE'S
NOTHING ELSE ON HERE.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO SPELL... (raspberry)

(girls laughing)

- DON'T!
- NO.

NO!

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEO-TAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.