Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Fast - full transcript
Janet believes that Jack and Chrissy lack will power - Jack with women and Chrissy with food. Therefore, Janet offers a bet to the two to see who can go on without their temptations the longest. Jack tries to hold off on his dates and Chrissy fasts, consuming nothing but water. This later proves a challenge for both of them as Grace, a girl whom Jack has been dating, shows up at the apartment, and Chrissy is tempted with a piece of chocolate cake from Jack.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
UGH!
(loud crunch)
HEY, CHRISSY.
DO YOU KNOW THAT IS YOUR 12th
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY CRACKER?
NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S THE 13th.
- (doorbell rings) -
(laughs) THE 13th?!
- HOW CAN YOU DO IT?
- IT'S OKAY. I'M NOT
SUPERSTITIOUS.
(sighs)
- (doorbell rings)
- I'M COMING!
- HI.
- HELLO. I'M LOOKING
FOR JACK TRIPPER.
OH, GEE, HE'S DOWN AT THE BEACH.
OH, WELL, I GUESS I
SHOULD'VE CALLED FIRST.
- BUT I WANTED
TO SURPRISE HIM.
- OH.
- I'M GRACE THOMPSON.
- HOW DO YOU DO? I'M JANET WOOD.
- HELLO.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME IN?
- THANK YOU.
- OKAY.
OH! GRACE! YEAH, RIGHT,
YOU WERE THE CRUISE SHIP.
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE SOCIAL
DIRECTOR ON THE CRUISE SHIP.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- JACK AND I MET
JUST BEFORE MY LAST TRIP.
- UH-HUH, LABOR DAY WEEKEND.
- HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
- THAT'S THE WEEKEND
JACK WAS MISSING.
OH.
BOY OH BOY, THAT MUST'VE
BEEN SOME BON VOYAGE PARTY.
- WE DIDN'T MAKE... THE PARTY.
- REALLY?
GEE, THE WAY JACK WAS TALKING,
HE MUST'VE MADE SOMETHING.
- CARE FOR COFFEE?
- OH, NO, THANK YOU.
- OH?
- GEE, I WAS HOPING
JACK WOULD BE HOME.
- DO YOU THINK
I HAVE TO WAIT LONG?
- NOT ONCE HE GETS HERE.
WOULD YOU... (clears throat)
- WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SIT DOWN?
- NO, THANK YOU.
I HAVE TO SEE SOME
RELATIVES TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM
THAT I'LL BE AT THE HOTEL?
OKAY. WHAT HOTEL?
- HE'LL KNOW.
- OH, WHAT ROOM?
- HE'LL KNOW.
- OH! IS THERE
ANYTHING ELSE?
- HE'LL KNOW.
- HE'LL KNOW. RIGHT.
- OKAY. GOODBYE.
- BYE.
OOH-OOH! (laughs)
WOW, JACK HAD SOME FANTASTIC
STUFF IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
JACK HAD SOME FANTASTIC
STUFF OUT HERE TOO.
THESE PEACHES ARE FANTASTIC!
OH, NO, PEACHES.
NO, NO, NO, CHRISSY.
NO. JACK SAID THOSE
ARE FOR TONIGHT'S DINNER.
OH, NO.
- WATER, WATER.
- HI. BOY HAVE YOU
BEEN DOWN AT THE BEACH
ALL THIS TIME JOGGING?
NOT ALL THE TIME. I HAD TO STOP AND
WATCH SOME OF THE GIRLS JIGGLING...
UH... JOGGLING...
JOGGING... JOGGING.
(both laugh)
YEAH, YOU HAD TO WATCH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, JANET,
IT'S GOOD TO STUDY FORMS.
SPEAKING OF FORM, JACK,
WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHO...
CHRISSY!
- Chrissy: JACK.
- THOSE PEACHES WERE
FOR A PEACH MELBA.
YOU JUST RUINED OUR DINNER.
- SORRY, JACK. I FORGOT.
- JACK, JACK...
NO, HANG ON. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM
IS, CHRISSY? YOU ARE A COMPULSIVE EATER.
I AM NOT! I'M JUST
ALWAYS HUNGRY.
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
I SUPPOSE WE CAN ALWAYS
HAVE THE ICE CREAM.
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, NO, CHRISSY!
HEY, JACK. JACK, LISTEN, I THINK THAT
YOU ARE REALLY GONNA BE INTERESTED...
ALL I'M INTERESTED
IN IS THOSE PEACHES!
- SO WHAT, JACK, SO SHE
ATE A BOWL OF PEACHES.
- YEAH.
IT'S NO REASON TO MAKE
ME FEEL LIKE THE PITS.
(Chrissy and Janet laugh)
OH, SURE, CHRISSY.
GO AHEAD AND LAUGH.
- YOU KNOW...
- (Janet giggles)
I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I MEAN, WOMEN HAVE
VERY LITTLE SELF-CONTROL.
WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE
DID YOU GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
- THAT WOMEN HAVE
NO SELF-CONTROL?
- YEAH.
- WELL, IT'S A WELL-KNOWN
SCIENTIFIC FACT.
- OH, IT IS?
WE'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN
SCIENTIFIC FACT. THAT'S A CROCK.
OH, COME ON, JANET.
JUST LOOK AROUND YOU.
IF WOMEN COULD CONTROL THEIR URGES,
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY DEPARTMENT STORES.
- ALL RIGHT.
- (Jack laughs)
AND IF MEN COULD
CONTROL THEIR URGES,
THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANY MATERNITY SHOPS.
- ARE YOU SAYING THAT MEN
HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL?
- YES.
- YOU'RE SAYING THAT
TO ME?
- RIGHT.
MOI, A MAN LIVING
WITH TWO WOMEN?
OH, COME ON, JACK.
WE ALL KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT MAKES YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL WITH US.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- US.
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- YEAH, JACK.
REMEMBER WE KNOW HOW
YOU ACT WITH OTHER GIRLS.
(laughs) BOY, THAT'S RIGHT.
SOMETIMES, JACK, I THINK
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES TELL
THEIRS KID ABOUT JACK TRIPPER.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I PERSONALLY
- HAVE NO WILLPOWER?
- YEAH.
THAT IN EFFECT I AM A
SPINELESS JELLYFISH?
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY, YOU'RE
TAKING THIS MUCH TOO SERIOUS, JACK.
LET'S FORGET IT, 'CAUSE I
GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
FORGET IT? JANET, I
DON'T WANNA FORGET IT.
- JACK...
- I HAVE PRIDE TOO, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE SAYING THAT I HAVE NO
SELF-CONTROL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN.
- OKAY. YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL
WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN, OKAY?
- YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
I SURE DON'T.
AH-HA. AND YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IT, EITHER.
PLEASE, THERE'S NO WAY THAT
YOU AND I CAN PROVE WHO'S RIGHT.
LET'S JUST FORGET
IT. I WANTED TO...
WAIT A MINUTE. SURE,
WE CAN'T PROVE IT.
I BET YOU WE CAN
PROVE IT, IF... UH...
A BET, THAT'S IT. THEN WE'LL SEE
WHO HAS MORE SELF-CONTROL.
- WE'LL BET.
- OH, JACK. COME ON,
LET'S JUST FORGET IT.
(clucking) CHICKENING OUT, HUH?
LOOKS LIKE THE JELLYFISH
IS ON THE OTHER FOOT NOW.
OH, YEAH? OKAY, BIG GUY.
- I'LL BET YOU. YOU ASKED FOR THIS.
- OKAY, WHAT?
I'LL BET YOU THAT CHRISSY HERE
CAN GIVE UP FOOD LONGER
THAN YOU CAN GIVE UP WOMEN.
- I CAN?
- UGH...
YEAH, SURE YOU CAN. YOU HAVE
MORE WILLPOWER THAN THIS PERSON.
I DO?
- FINE,
THEN IT'S A BET?
- IT IS A BET.
- IT IS?
- LET'S LAY DOWN
THE RULES.
CHRISSY, YOU WILL
HAVE NO MORE FOOD...
CHRISSY, GIVE ME THE
PEACHES. GIVE ME THE PEACHES.
(Jack laughing)
ALL RIGHT, YOU WILL
HAVE NO MORE... NO!
YOU WILL HAVE NO FOOD, CHRISSY.
ALL YOU GET TO HAVE
IS WATER. YES. AND JACK,
YOU WILL HAVE NO WOMEN.
THERE WILL BE NO
KISSING, NO NECKING,
NO TOUCHING, NO NOTHING.
- I CAN HANDLE IT.
- NO HANDLING.
AND I'M GONNA BE
KEEPING MY EYE ON YOU.
I'LL BE KEEPING
MY EYE ON CHRISSY.
I'M TAKING INVENTORY OF EVERY
CRUMB OF FOOD IN THIS APARTMENT NOW.
- GO AHEAD.
- JANET.
HMM?
I DON'T THINK WE CAN WIN.
YOU KNOW MY APPETITE.
YEAH, CHRISSY, BUT JACK
DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GRACE.
- WHO'S GRACE?
- SHE'S OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.
(phone ringing)
HELLO.
OH, HI. WELL, JUST A MINUTE.
MRS. ROPER CALLED. SHE'S GOING
TO THE SUPERMARKET TOMORROW
- AND WANTS TO KNOW
IF WE NEED ANYTHING.
- OH, THAT'S NICE. SURE.
THANK YOU. HELLO.
THANKS A LOT. YEAH,
WE COULD... UH-HUH...
SOME POTATOES. MM-HMM.
AND SOME CHEDDAR CHEESE.
(Chrissy moaning)
- A DOZEN EGGS. YEAH. MM-HMM, YEAH.
- (Chrissy moans louder)
HEY, BY THE WAY, MRS. ROPER, WE
GOT THIS LITTLE CONTEST GOING UP HERE.
NO KIDDING?
YOU MEAN JACK IS
GONNA GIVE UP WOMEN?
OH, THAT'S GONNA BE
VERY DIFFICULT FOR HIM.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEND STANLEY
UP TO GIVE HIM SOME POINTERS.
OH. WELL, LISTEN, JANET.
TELL CHRISSY TO TAKE UP
READING TO GET HER MIND OFF FOOD.
SEE, I'M INTO THIS
WONDERFUL NEW BOOK.
IT'S CALLED, "WHAT YOU
CAN DO WITH YOUR BRAIN."
AND... WELL, THE
FIRST CHAPTER IS
"HOW TO MAKE YOUR
HUSBAND MORE ROMANTIC."
THE OTHER CHAPTERS?! WHO CARES?
(laughs) OKAY, JANET. I'LL
TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.
HELEN, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TALK SO LOUD.
- I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST.
- THAT WAS THE KIDS UPSTAIRS.
JACK AND THE GIRLS
ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT
ABOUT WHO HAS THE MOST
WILLPOWER, MEN OR WOMEN.
WHO'S DEFENDING THE MEN?
PERSONALLY, I THINK MEN HAVE
MORE WILLPOWER, BUT I CAN'T PROVE IT.
STANLEY, YOU'VE BEEN PROVING IT
FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
OH, HEY, STANLEY, DON'T GO.
COME HERE, COME HERE, SIT DOWN.
I WANT TO READ YOU
SOMETHING. COME ON.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"IN ALL OF NATURE,
THERE IS NOTHING MORE PERFECT
THAN THE BASIC ATTRACTION
OF MAN TOWARD WOMAN,
WOMAN TOWARD MAN."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK I WANT TO GO TO BED.
IT WORKS!
WAIT FOR ME,
STANLEY. WAIT FOR ME!
UGH! YUCK! WATER!
ALL I'VE HAD FOR
24 HOURS IS WATER.
HOT WATER, COLD
WATER, ICE WATER.
I THINK I'M GONNA DROWN.
COME ON, DON'T THINK THAT WAY. JUST
THINK HOW GOOD YOU'RE GONNA LOOK.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE GO
FOR DAYS WITHOUT ANYTHING.
SO DO CAMELS AND WHO
WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A CAMEL?
CHRISSY, THIS FASTING IS
CLEANING UP YOUR WHOLE SYSTEM.
OH, WONDERFUL! I'LL BE THE
CLEANEST GIRL IN THE CEMETERY.
CHRISSY!
OH, IT'S NO USE. I CANNOT
LIVE WITHOUT FOOD.
- I CAN'T!
- CHRISSY, NO. NO, NO, CHRISSY.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME. IT IS
NOT GONNA BE MUCH LONGER.
I'M TELLING YOU, JACK
IS ABOUT TO CRACK.
- CRACK?! OH, JUST A FEW CRACKERS.
- OH, CHRISSY.
LISTEN, JUST THINK ABOUT JACK FOR
A MINUTE. NO WOMEN ALL WEEKEND.
- HE MUST BE GOING BANANAS.
- BANANAS! I WANT A BANANA.
OH, CHRISSY, LOOK. JACK STILL
DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GRACE.
SHE CALLED, CHRISSY, AND
I TOLD HER TO COME OVER.
- REMEMBER SEXY GRACE?
- HERE IT IS, HOT,
OUT OF THE OVEN...
CHRISSY'S FAVORITE
DISH, BARBECUED CHICKEN.
JACK, THAT IS NOT FAIR!
DOESN'T IT LOOK
SCRUMPTIOUS, CHRISSY?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
SINK YOUR TEETH INTO THAT?
COME ON, FIGHT IT OFF. YOU WANT
ME TO GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER?
I'D RATHER HAVE A
GLASS OF CHICKEN.
OH, JACK. WOULD YOU GET
THIS STUPID THING OUT OF HERE?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CHRISSY? NO WILLPOWER?
IT'S ONLY A CHICKEN, JUST A
SILLY-LOOKING BIRD WITH LEGS.
LONG, BEAUTIFUL LEGS.
CURVACCURVACEO
USOUS, FIRM, PLUMP BREAST.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I BETTER GET THIS
STUPID-LOOKING THING OUT OF HERE.
- (doorbell rings)
- Jack: OH-HO!
THAT MUST BE... PIZZA MAN.
- PIZZA?! I WANT A PIECE.
- NO, CHRISSY. NO PIZZA.
- (Jack laughs)
- JACK! AT LAST!
GRACE! OH, NO!
OH, JACK, HOW I MISSED YOU!
SHE MISSED HIM AGAIN TOO.
GRACE, GRACE, GRACE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TOWN?
DIDN'T JANET TELL YOU?
- TELL ME?
- (Janet laughs)
WELL, JACK, I TRIED,
AND I TRIED AND TRIED,
BUT, SEE, YOU'VE BEEN SO
BUSY TALKING ABOUT WILLPOWER,
- IT WENT RIGHT
OUT OF MY HEAD.
- OH.
- (both laugh)
- I GET IT.
- OH, YOU DO?
- WELL, I'VE ONLY GOT
ONE THING TO SAY...
- WHAT'S THAT, JACK?
- THE BET'S OFF.
- OH, WE WON! YEAH, WE WON.
- NO, NO, CHRISSY!
NO! NO, CHRISSY, YOU LET THE
JELLYFISH TAKE THE FIRST BITE.
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
JACK, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
HOLD IT. IT MIGHT
BE A LITTLE LONGER.
JACK, YOU STOP TEASING ME.
YOU KNOW HOW THAT TURNS ME ON!
(mutters) I'M SORRY, I DON'T
MEAN TO BE TEASING YOU,
BUT DON'T YOU FIND IT A TOUCH
CROWDED IN HERE? (laughs)
OH, I UNDERSTAND.
LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.
I WILL FIX UP SOMETHING
JUST FOR THE TWO OF US.
CANDLES ON THE TABLE...
CHAMPAGNE WILL BE READY...
SO WILL I.
I'M STAYING IN THE
SAME PLACE AS LAST TIME.
THE SAME PLACE?! YOU
MEAN WITH THE WATERBED?
- YOU REMEMBERED!
- (both squeal)
- DON'T KEEP ME WAITING.
- (Jack grunts)
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF YOUR JELLYFISH NOW?
(laughs) DIDN'T THINK I COULD
KEEP MY COOL, DID YOU?
- (water running)
- (Jack screaming)
(both scream)
GOING SOMEWHERE?
(stuttering) NO,
NO... I, WELL...
I WANTED TO TAKE A
BREATH OF FRESH AIR.
- SO YOU GOT ALL DRESSED
FOR THAT?
- HUH?
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO ELSE
MIGHT BE OUT HERE... BREATHING.
- GO AHEAD.
- HUH?
- TAKE A BREATH.
- OH, OKAY. THAT'S...
- (breathing deeply)
- WHOO, I NEEDED THAT!
- NOW I CAN REALLY SLEEP.
- GOOD NIGHT, JACK.
GOOD NIGHT, WARDEN.
- YOU LOSE!
- I DO NOT!
OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU'RE EATING,
YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO DRINK WATER.
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
ICE. IT'S HARD WATER.
(groans) CHRISSY!
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU
TIPTOED IN THE KITCHEN FOR AN ICE CUBE,
- YOU WERE GONNA EAT!
- AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA CATCH ME.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?
- REFRIGERATOR DOORS DON'T
WEAR SNEAKERS.
- GOOD MORNING, JACK.
- GOOD MORNING, JANET.
AND LOOK WHO'S
HERE, LITTLE CHRISSY.
COULDN'T HOLD OUT, HUH? (laughs)
- AND HOW ARE
YOU HOLDING OUT?
- HEY, I'M COOL,
- REAL COOL.
- OH, REALLY?
(silent)
LOOK WHAT WE HAVE TO
START OFF WITH, GIRLS...
DELICIOUS, FRESH ORANGE JUICE.
IS THAT HOW GRACE
STARTS HER BREAKFAST?
- OH! I'M SO SORRY, JACK.
- NO PROBLEM.
- NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
- (clinks)
HERE, DO IT YOURSELF.
- EGGS FOR EVERYBODY?
- OH, NO, JACK... JUST FOR ME.
CHRISSY ISN'T EATING. SHE'S
JUST HERE TO KEEP US COMPANY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH, SHE LOVES
TO WATCH YOU COOK.
YOU DO IT WITH SUCH GRACE.
OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S
A VERY NICE COMPLIMENT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, A TOMATO OMELET.
UH... UH... DO YOU WANT
CHEESE IN YOUR EGGS, JANET?
OH, JACK, ANYTHING YOU LIKE...
JUST SO LONG AS
THEY'RE NOT TOO GRACY.
- Janet: OH, I...
- DO YOU WANT BREAKFAST OR NOT?
- SURE.
- WELL, OKAY THEN.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER
WORD OUT OF YOU TWO,
- YOU UNDERSTAND? NOT ONE MORE WORD.
- IS IT OKAY IF WE SING?
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING BUT TALK!
♪ AMAZING... ♪
♪ GRACE ♪
- ♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND! ♪
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. JUST...
HOLD IT, HOLD IT... I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, BUT IT'S USELESS.
DO YOU SEE THIS? IT'S HAVING
NO EFFECT ON ME AT ALL.
YOU UNDERSTAND? NONE AT ALL.
AH!
OH, GOODY, I'VE NEVER HAD
SCRAMBLED TOAST BEFORE.
- NOW LOOK, JANET...
- (doorbell rings)
- WHAT?
- I'LL GET IT.
OH... REMEMBER TO SAY
GRACE BEFORE YOU EAT.
- GOOD MORNING, CHRISSY.
- OH, HI, COME ON IN.
THANKS. I JUST... REALLY CAME
UP TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND
THIS SILLY CONTEST OF YOURS.
OH, IT'S NOT SILLY.
YOU SEE, IF JACK HAS ANY KIND OF
FUN AT ALL WITH A GIRL, HE LOSES.
AND IF I DIE OF
STARVATION, I WIN.
LOOK, CHRISSY. I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING
TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING HUNGRY.
- FOOD?
- NO, THIS BOOK.
OH, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
NO, CHRISSY, IT'S SOMETHING I
READ IN THIS BOOK, ON SELF-HYPNOSIS.
COME ON, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN
OVER HERE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES,
- AND JUST RELAX.
- (doorbell rings)
OH, OH, OH... LOOK, I GET
THAT. YOU JUST KEEP RELAXING.
JUST... JUST... LET
YOURSELF GO LIMP.
- WHEN DO I GET
MY BREAKFAST?
- SHH.
I'M TRYING TO TEACH CHRISSY
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE HERSELF.
HYPNOTISM? NOBODY
BELIEVES IN THAT BOLOGNA.
STANLEY, PLEASE. I'M TRYING
TO TURN HER OFF FOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU LET HER
TASTE SOME OF YOUR COOKING?
CHRISSY, CHRISSY
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
(exhales)
NOW JUST LET
YOURSELF GO AND SAY,
"I AM NOT HUNGRY."
"I AM NOT HUNGRY."
- SAY THAT.
- I AM NOT HUNGRY.
AGAIN.
I AM NOT HUNGRY.
- I AM NOT HUNGRY.
- GOOD.
NOW...
- (snaps fingers) - WAKE UP.
- HOW DO YOU FEEL?
- GREAT!
- YOU SEE?!
- I'D FEEL A LOT BETTER
IF I HAD A SANDWICH THOUGH.
OH, NO. CHRISSY, JUST
KEEP WORKING AT IT.
SOME PEOPLE TAKE A LITTLE
LONGER THAN OTHERS TO GET IT.
COME ON, STANLEY,
I'LL FIX YOU BREAKFAST.
STANLEY?
STANLEY.
I AM NOT HUNGRY.
MM-MMM, THIS IS SO DELICIOUS.
YOU'RE A GREAT COOK, JACK.
LOUSY COMPANY, BUT A GREAT COOK.
- CHRISSY.
- ARE YOU READY
TO GIVE UP?
- JACK, THAT'S
A VERY GOOD IDEA.
- MEN NEVER GIVE UP.
- I KNOW, THAT'S WHY
WARS LAST SO LONG.
- (silent)
- CHRISSY.
- DID YOU CALL ME?
YES. IT'S YOUR TURN
TO WASH THE DISHES.
WHY SHOULD I? I DIDN'T DIRTY THEM.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CLEAN THEM.
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE
OUT THE GARBAGE.
NO, YOU DON'T. I DON'T
TRUST YOU WITH THIS GARBAGE.
- I'LL TAKE IT OUT.
- NO, YOU WON'T, JACK.
YOU ARE NOT LEAVING
THIS APARTMENT.
WHY? I'M ONLY GONNA
DROP OFF THE GARBAGE.
WHERE, AT GRACE'S HOTEL?
GARBAGE IS A
TWO-WAY STREET, JACK.
OKAY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
I'M GONNA PUT AN END TO THIS
ONCE AND FOR ALL. HERE WE GO.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT... CHOCOLATE CAKE!
- NO, THAT'S
CHRISSY'S FAVORITE.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
CHRISSY, LOOKY, LOOKY.
- OH, CHOCOLATE CAKE.
- ARE YOU READY TO CALL
IT QUITS NOW?
- YES, YES!
- I'M NOT, I'M NOT.
- I MUST HAVE THIS CAKE.
- (doorbell rings)
OVER MY DEAD BODY, CHRISSY.
- NO, PLEASE, CHRISSY...
- Grace: JACK,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I WAITED AND I WAITED.
I CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER.
I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
(Jack whimpers)
EAT YOUR CAKE!
- I GOTTA HAVE THIS CAKE!
- I CAN'T LET YOU HAVE IT!
- GIVE CHRISSY THE CAKE!
- Chrissy: GIVE CHRISSY
THE CAKE!
- NO, CHRISSY, I CAN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN.
NO, I CAN'T, CHRISSY. LOOK
WHAT IT WOULD MEAN TO... AH-OW!
- (whispers) EAT IT, EAT IT.
- LET ME OUT.
- DON'T EAT THAT CAKE.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY, YOU
WANT CALL IT A DRAW?
- YES.
- (grunting) COME HERE, GRACE!
ON THE COUNT OF THREE, CHRISSY.
WE BOTH START NIBBLING, READY?
- YES.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WHOA-OA!
OH.
- JANET, YOU MADE ME LOSE.
- Grace: JACK.
- JACK, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
- (thumps)
(Jack's screaming)
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- MY BACK, IT'S MY... MY BACK WENT OUT.
OH, NO! THAT'S IT. BYE, JACK!
NO, WAIT. GRACE, IT'LL BE
OKAY IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
MY SHIP SAILS AT MIDNIGHT.
YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.
THANKS TO YOU, ALL I'VE HAD
FOR MY WEEKEND ASHORE
IS A WEEKEND ASHORE.
NO, GRACE. GRACE, COULD
YOU JUST... GRACE, PLEASE.
MAYBE IF YOU
MASSAGED IT A LITTLE...
(screams)
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
JACK. YOU WON THE BET.
YEAH, I WON THE BET,
BUT THE PRIZE JUST LEFT.
- (water running)
- Jack: WHOO-WHOO.
- WANT SOME?
- NO THANKS, CHRISSY,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
Mrs. Roper: YOU'RE
FEELING 10 YEARS YOUNGER.
YOU'RE OVERCOME WITH DESIRE.
NOW STANLEY, WHEN
I SNAP MY FINGERS,
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
ME IN YOUR MANLY ARMS,
SHOWER ME WITH KISSES,
AND MAKE MAD,
PASSIONATE LOVE TO ME.
(snaps fingers)
HELLO, STANLEY.
I AM NOT HUNGRY.
(silent)
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
UGH!
(loud crunch)
HEY, CHRISSY.
DO YOU KNOW THAT IS YOUR 12th
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY CRACKER?
NO, IT ISN'T. IT'S THE 13th.
- (doorbell rings) -
(laughs) THE 13th?!
- HOW CAN YOU DO IT?
- IT'S OKAY. I'M NOT
SUPERSTITIOUS.
(sighs)
- (doorbell rings)
- I'M COMING!
- HI.
- HELLO. I'M LOOKING
FOR JACK TRIPPER.
OH, GEE, HE'S DOWN AT THE BEACH.
OH, WELL, I GUESS I
SHOULD'VE CALLED FIRST.
- BUT I WANTED
TO SURPRISE HIM.
- OH.
- I'M GRACE THOMPSON.
- HOW DO YOU DO? I'M JANET WOOD.
- HELLO.
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME IN?
- THANK YOU.
- OKAY.
OH! GRACE! YEAH, RIGHT,
YOU WERE THE CRUISE SHIP.
I MEAN, YOU'RE THE SOCIAL
DIRECTOR ON THE CRUISE SHIP.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- JACK AND I MET
JUST BEFORE MY LAST TRIP.
- UH-HUH, LABOR DAY WEEKEND.
- HOW DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?
- THAT'S THE WEEKEND
JACK WAS MISSING.
OH.
BOY OH BOY, THAT MUST'VE
BEEN SOME BON VOYAGE PARTY.
- WE DIDN'T MAKE... THE PARTY.
- REALLY?
GEE, THE WAY JACK WAS TALKING,
HE MUST'VE MADE SOMETHING.
- CARE FOR COFFEE?
- OH, NO, THANK YOU.
- OH?
- GEE, I WAS HOPING
JACK WOULD BE HOME.
- DO YOU THINK
I HAVE TO WAIT LONG?
- NOT ONCE HE GETS HERE.
WOULD YOU... (clears throat)
- WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SIT DOWN?
- NO, THANK YOU.
I HAVE TO SEE SOME
RELATIVES TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM
THAT I'LL BE AT THE HOTEL?
OKAY. WHAT HOTEL?
- HE'LL KNOW.
- OH, WHAT ROOM?
- HE'LL KNOW.
- OH! IS THERE
ANYTHING ELSE?
- HE'LL KNOW.
- HE'LL KNOW. RIGHT.
- OKAY. GOODBYE.
- BYE.
OOH-OOH! (laughs)
WOW, JACK HAD SOME FANTASTIC
STUFF IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
JACK HAD SOME FANTASTIC
STUFF OUT HERE TOO.
THESE PEACHES ARE FANTASTIC!
OH, NO, PEACHES.
NO, NO, NO, CHRISSY.
NO. JACK SAID THOSE
ARE FOR TONIGHT'S DINNER.
OH, NO.
- WATER, WATER.
- HI. BOY HAVE YOU
BEEN DOWN AT THE BEACH
ALL THIS TIME JOGGING?
NOT ALL THE TIME. I HAD TO STOP AND
WATCH SOME OF THE GIRLS JIGGLING...
UH... JOGGLING...
JOGGING... JOGGING.
(both laugh)
YEAH, YOU HAD TO WATCH.
WELL, YOU KNOW, JANET,
IT'S GOOD TO STUDY FORMS.
SPEAKING OF FORM, JACK,
WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU WHO...
CHRISSY!
- Chrissy: JACK.
- THOSE PEACHES WERE
FOR A PEACH MELBA.
YOU JUST RUINED OUR DINNER.
- SORRY, JACK. I FORGOT.
- JACK, JACK...
NO, HANG ON. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM
IS, CHRISSY? YOU ARE A COMPULSIVE EATER.
I AM NOT! I'M JUST
ALWAYS HUNGRY.
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
I SUPPOSE WE CAN ALWAYS
HAVE THE ICE CREAM.
I DON'T THINK SO.
OH, NO, CHRISSY!
HEY, JACK. JACK, LISTEN, I THINK THAT
YOU ARE REALLY GONNA BE INTERESTED...
ALL I'M INTERESTED
IN IS THOSE PEACHES!
- SO WHAT, JACK, SO SHE
ATE A BOWL OF PEACHES.
- YEAH.
IT'S NO REASON TO MAKE
ME FEEL LIKE THE PITS.
(Chrissy and Janet laugh)
OH, SURE, CHRISSY.
GO AHEAD AND LAUGH.
- YOU KNOW...
- (Janet giggles)
I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I MEAN, WOMEN HAVE
VERY LITTLE SELF-CONTROL.
WHAT? WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE
DID YOU GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
- THAT WOMEN HAVE
NO SELF-CONTROL?
- YEAH.
- WELL, IT'S A WELL-KNOWN
SCIENTIFIC FACT.
- OH, IT IS?
WE'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER WELL-KNOWN
SCIENTIFIC FACT. THAT'S A CROCK.
OH, COME ON, JANET.
JUST LOOK AROUND YOU.
IF WOMEN COULD CONTROL THEIR URGES,
THERE WOULDN'T BE ANY DEPARTMENT STORES.
- ALL RIGHT.
- (Jack laughs)
AND IF MEN COULD
CONTROL THEIR URGES,
THERE WOULDN'T BE
ANY MATERNITY SHOPS.
- ARE YOU SAYING THAT MEN
HAVE NO SELF-CONTROL?
- YES.
- YOU'RE SAYING THAT
TO ME?
- RIGHT.
MOI, A MAN LIVING
WITH TWO WOMEN?
OH, COME ON, JACK.
WE ALL KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT MAKES YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL WITH US.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- US.
- HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
- YEAH, JACK.
REMEMBER WE KNOW HOW
YOU ACT WITH OTHER GIRLS.
(laughs) BOY, THAT'S RIGHT.
SOMETIMES, JACK, I THINK
THE BIRDS AND THE BEES TELL
THEIRS KID ABOUT JACK TRIPPER.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I PERSONALLY
- HAVE NO WILLPOWER?
- YEAH.
THAT IN EFFECT I AM A
SPINELESS JELLYFISH?
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY, YOU'RE
TAKING THIS MUCH TOO SERIOUS, JACK.
LET'S FORGET IT, 'CAUSE I
GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
FORGET IT? JANET, I
DON'T WANNA FORGET IT.
- JACK...
- I HAVE PRIDE TOO, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE SAYING THAT I HAVE NO
SELF-CONTROL WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN.
- OKAY. YOU HAVE SELF-CONTROL
WHEN IT COMES TO WOMEN, OKAY?
- YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
I SURE DON'T.
AH-HA. AND YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IT, EITHER.
PLEASE, THERE'S NO WAY THAT
YOU AND I CAN PROVE WHO'S RIGHT.
LET'S JUST FORGET
IT. I WANTED TO...
WAIT A MINUTE. SURE,
WE CAN'T PROVE IT.
I BET YOU WE CAN
PROVE IT, IF... UH...
A BET, THAT'S IT. THEN WE'LL SEE
WHO HAS MORE SELF-CONTROL.
- WE'LL BET.
- OH, JACK. COME ON,
LET'S JUST FORGET IT.
(clucking) CHICKENING OUT, HUH?
LOOKS LIKE THE JELLYFISH
IS ON THE OTHER FOOT NOW.
OH, YEAH? OKAY, BIG GUY.
- I'LL BET YOU. YOU ASKED FOR THIS.
- OKAY, WHAT?
I'LL BET YOU THAT CHRISSY HERE
CAN GIVE UP FOOD LONGER
THAN YOU CAN GIVE UP WOMEN.
- I CAN?
- UGH...
YEAH, SURE YOU CAN. YOU HAVE
MORE WILLPOWER THAN THIS PERSON.
I DO?
- FINE,
THEN IT'S A BET?
- IT IS A BET.
- IT IS?
- LET'S LAY DOWN
THE RULES.
CHRISSY, YOU WILL
HAVE NO MORE FOOD...
CHRISSY, GIVE ME THE
PEACHES. GIVE ME THE PEACHES.
(Jack laughing)
ALL RIGHT, YOU WILL
HAVE NO MORE... NO!
YOU WILL HAVE NO FOOD, CHRISSY.
ALL YOU GET TO HAVE
IS WATER. YES. AND JACK,
YOU WILL HAVE NO WOMEN.
THERE WILL BE NO
KISSING, NO NECKING,
NO TOUCHING, NO NOTHING.
- I CAN HANDLE IT.
- NO HANDLING.
AND I'M GONNA BE
KEEPING MY EYE ON YOU.
I'LL BE KEEPING
MY EYE ON CHRISSY.
I'M TAKING INVENTORY OF EVERY
CRUMB OF FOOD IN THIS APARTMENT NOW.
- GO AHEAD.
- JANET.
HMM?
I DON'T THINK WE CAN WIN.
YOU KNOW MY APPETITE.
YEAH, CHRISSY, BUT JACK
DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GRACE.
- WHO'S GRACE?
- SHE'S OUR ACE IN THE HOLE.
(phone ringing)
HELLO.
OH, HI. WELL, JUST A MINUTE.
MRS. ROPER CALLED. SHE'S GOING
TO THE SUPERMARKET TOMORROW
- AND WANTS TO KNOW
IF WE NEED ANYTHING.
- OH, THAT'S NICE. SURE.
THANK YOU. HELLO.
THANKS A LOT. YEAH,
WE COULD... UH-HUH...
SOME POTATOES. MM-HMM.
AND SOME CHEDDAR CHEESE.
(Chrissy moaning)
- A DOZEN EGGS. YEAH. MM-HMM, YEAH.
- (Chrissy moans louder)
HEY, BY THE WAY, MRS. ROPER, WE
GOT THIS LITTLE CONTEST GOING UP HERE.
NO KIDDING?
YOU MEAN JACK IS
GONNA GIVE UP WOMEN?
OH, THAT'S GONNA BE
VERY DIFFICULT FOR HIM.
MAYBE I SHOULD SEND STANLEY
UP TO GIVE HIM SOME POINTERS.
OH. WELL, LISTEN, JANET.
TELL CHRISSY TO TAKE UP
READING TO GET HER MIND OFF FOOD.
SEE, I'M INTO THIS
WONDERFUL NEW BOOK.
IT'S CALLED, "WHAT YOU
CAN DO WITH YOUR BRAIN."
AND... WELL, THE
FIRST CHAPTER IS
"HOW TO MAKE YOUR
HUSBAND MORE ROMANTIC."
THE OTHER CHAPTERS?! WHO CARES?
(laughs) OKAY, JANET. I'LL
TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE-BYE.
HELEN, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TALK SO LOUD.
- I'M TRYING TO GET SOME REST.
- THAT WAS THE KIDS UPSTAIRS.
JACK AND THE GIRLS
ARE HAVING AN ARGUMENT
ABOUT WHO HAS THE MOST
WILLPOWER, MEN OR WOMEN.
WHO'S DEFENDING THE MEN?
PERSONALLY, I THINK MEN HAVE
MORE WILLPOWER, BUT I CAN'T PROVE IT.
STANLEY, YOU'VE BEEN PROVING IT
FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.
OH, HEY, STANLEY, DON'T GO.
COME HERE, COME HERE, SIT DOWN.
I WANT TO READ YOU
SOMETHING. COME ON.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"IN ALL OF NATURE,
THERE IS NOTHING MORE PERFECT
THAN THE BASIC ATTRACTION
OF MAN TOWARD WOMAN,
WOMAN TOWARD MAN."
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK I WANT TO GO TO BED.
IT WORKS!
WAIT FOR ME,
STANLEY. WAIT FOR ME!
UGH! YUCK! WATER!
ALL I'VE HAD FOR
24 HOURS IS WATER.
HOT WATER, COLD
WATER, ICE WATER.
I THINK I'M GONNA DROWN.
COME ON, DON'T THINK THAT WAY. JUST
THINK HOW GOOD YOU'RE GONNA LOOK.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE GO
FOR DAYS WITHOUT ANYTHING.
SO DO CAMELS AND WHO
WANTS TO LOOK LIKE A CAMEL?
CHRISSY, THIS FASTING IS
CLEANING UP YOUR WHOLE SYSTEM.
OH, WONDERFUL! I'LL BE THE
CLEANEST GIRL IN THE CEMETERY.
CHRISSY!
OH, IT'S NO USE. I CANNOT
LIVE WITHOUT FOOD.
- I CAN'T!
- CHRISSY, NO. NO, NO, CHRISSY.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME. IT IS
NOT GONNA BE MUCH LONGER.
I'M TELLING YOU, JACK
IS ABOUT TO CRACK.
- CRACK?! OH, JUST A FEW CRACKERS.
- OH, CHRISSY.
LISTEN, JUST THINK ABOUT JACK FOR
A MINUTE. NO WOMEN ALL WEEKEND.
- HE MUST BE GOING BANANAS.
- BANANAS! I WANT A BANANA.
OH, CHRISSY, LOOK. JACK STILL
DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT GRACE.
SHE CALLED, CHRISSY, AND
I TOLD HER TO COME OVER.
- REMEMBER SEXY GRACE?
- HERE IT IS, HOT,
OUT OF THE OVEN...
CHRISSY'S FAVORITE
DISH, BARBECUED CHICKEN.
JACK, THAT IS NOT FAIR!
DOESN'T IT LOOK
SCRUMPTIOUS, CHRISSY?
WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO
SINK YOUR TEETH INTO THAT?
COME ON, FIGHT IT OFF. YOU WANT
ME TO GET YOU A GLASS OF WATER?
I'D RATHER HAVE A
GLASS OF CHICKEN.
OH, JACK. WOULD YOU GET
THIS STUPID THING OUT OF HERE?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CHRISSY? NO WILLPOWER?
IT'S ONLY A CHICKEN, JUST A
SILLY-LOOKING BIRD WITH LEGS.
LONG, BEAUTIFUL LEGS.
CURVACCURVACEO
USOUS, FIRM, PLUMP BREAST.
YOU'RE RIGHT, I BETTER GET THIS
STUPID-LOOKING THING OUT OF HERE.
- (doorbell rings)
- Jack: OH-HO!
THAT MUST BE... PIZZA MAN.
- PIZZA?! I WANT A PIECE.
- NO, CHRISSY. NO PIZZA.
- (Jack laughs)
- JACK! AT LAST!
GRACE! OH, NO!
OH, JACK, HOW I MISSED YOU!
SHE MISSED HIM AGAIN TOO.
GRACE, GRACE, GRACE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN TOWN?
DIDN'T JANET TELL YOU?
- TELL ME?
- (Janet laughs)
WELL, JACK, I TRIED,
AND I TRIED AND TRIED,
BUT, SEE, YOU'VE BEEN SO
BUSY TALKING ABOUT WILLPOWER,
- IT WENT RIGHT
OUT OF MY HEAD.
- OH.
- (both laugh)
- I GET IT.
- OH, YOU DO?
- WELL, I'VE ONLY GOT
ONE THING TO SAY...
- WHAT'S THAT, JACK?
- THE BET'S OFF.
- OH, WE WON! YEAH, WE WON.
- NO, NO, CHRISSY!
NO! NO, CHRISSY, YOU LET THE
JELLYFISH TAKE THE FIRST BITE.
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
JACK, IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
HOLD IT. IT MIGHT
BE A LITTLE LONGER.
JACK, YOU STOP TEASING ME.
YOU KNOW HOW THAT TURNS ME ON!
(mutters) I'M SORRY, I DON'T
MEAN TO BE TEASING YOU,
BUT DON'T YOU FIND IT A TOUCH
CROWDED IN HERE? (laughs)
OH, I UNDERSTAND.
LET'S GO TO MY ROOM.
I WILL FIX UP SOMETHING
JUST FOR THE TWO OF US.
CANDLES ON THE TABLE...
CHAMPAGNE WILL BE READY...
SO WILL I.
I'M STAYING IN THE
SAME PLACE AS LAST TIME.
THE SAME PLACE?! YOU
MEAN WITH THE WATERBED?
- YOU REMEMBERED!
- (both squeal)
- DON'T KEEP ME WAITING.
- (Jack grunts)
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF YOUR JELLYFISH NOW?
(laughs) DIDN'T THINK I COULD
KEEP MY COOL, DID YOU?
- (water running)
- (Jack screaming)
(both scream)
GOING SOMEWHERE?
(stuttering) NO,
NO... I, WELL...
I WANTED TO TAKE A
BREATH OF FRESH AIR.
- SO YOU GOT ALL DRESSED
FOR THAT?
- HUH?
WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW WHO ELSE
MIGHT BE OUT HERE... BREATHING.
- GO AHEAD.
- HUH?
- TAKE A BREATH.
- OH, OKAY. THAT'S...
- (breathing deeply)
- WHOO, I NEEDED THAT!
- NOW I CAN REALLY SLEEP.
- GOOD NIGHT, JACK.
GOOD NIGHT, WARDEN.
- YOU LOSE!
- I DO NOT!
OF COURSE YOU DO. YOU'RE EATING,
YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO DRINK WATER.
THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING.
ICE. IT'S HARD WATER.
(groans) CHRISSY!
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT YOU
TIPTOED IN THE KITCHEN FOR AN ICE CUBE,
- YOU WERE GONNA EAT!
- AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA CATCH ME.
- HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?
- REFRIGERATOR DOORS DON'T
WEAR SNEAKERS.
- GOOD MORNING, JACK.
- GOOD MORNING, JANET.
AND LOOK WHO'S
HERE, LITTLE CHRISSY.
COULDN'T HOLD OUT, HUH? (laughs)
- AND HOW ARE
YOU HOLDING OUT?
- HEY, I'M COOL,
- REAL COOL.
- OH, REALLY?
(silent)
LOOK WHAT WE HAVE TO
START OFF WITH, GIRLS...
DELICIOUS, FRESH ORANGE JUICE.
IS THAT HOW GRACE
STARTS HER BREAKFAST?
- OH! I'M SO SORRY, JACK.
- NO PROBLEM.
- NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
- (clinks)
HERE, DO IT YOURSELF.
- EGGS FOR EVERYBODY?
- OH, NO, JACK... JUST FOR ME.
CHRISSY ISN'T EATING. SHE'S
JUST HERE TO KEEP US COMPANY.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH, SHE LOVES
TO WATCH YOU COOK.
YOU DO IT WITH SUCH GRACE.
OH, THANK YOU. THAT'S
A VERY NICE COMPLIMENT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, A TOMATO OMELET.
UH... UH... DO YOU WANT
CHEESE IN YOUR EGGS, JANET?
OH, JACK, ANYTHING YOU LIKE...
JUST SO LONG AS
THEY'RE NOT TOO GRACY.
- Janet: OH, I...
- DO YOU WANT BREAKFAST OR NOT?
- SURE.
- WELL, OKAY THEN.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER
WORD OUT OF YOU TWO,
- YOU UNDERSTAND? NOT ONE MORE WORD.
- IS IT OKAY IF WE SING?
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING BUT TALK!
♪ AMAZING... ♪
♪ GRACE ♪
- ♪ HOW SWEET THE SOUND! ♪
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. JUST...
HOLD IT, HOLD IT... I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, BUT IT'S USELESS.
DO YOU SEE THIS? IT'S HAVING
NO EFFECT ON ME AT ALL.
YOU UNDERSTAND? NONE AT ALL.
AH!
OH, GOODY, I'VE NEVER HAD
SCRAMBLED TOAST BEFORE.
- NOW LOOK, JANET...
- (doorbell rings)
- WHAT?
- I'LL GET IT.
OH... REMEMBER TO SAY
GRACE BEFORE YOU EAT.
- GOOD MORNING, CHRISSY.
- OH, HI, COME ON IN.
THANKS. I JUST... REALLY CAME
UP TO SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND
THIS SILLY CONTEST OF YOURS.
OH, IT'S NOT SILLY.
YOU SEE, IF JACK HAS ANY KIND OF
FUN AT ALL WITH A GIRL, HE LOSES.
AND IF I DIE OF
STARVATION, I WIN.
LOOK, CHRISSY. I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING
TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING HUNGRY.
- FOOD?
- NO, THIS BOOK.
OH, I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
NO, CHRISSY, IT'S SOMETHING I
READ IN THIS BOOK, ON SELF-HYPNOSIS.
COME ON, I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN
OVER HERE AND CLOSE YOUR EYES,
- AND JUST RELAX.
- (doorbell rings)
OH, OH, OH... LOOK, I GET
THAT. YOU JUST KEEP RELAXING.
JUST... JUST... LET
YOURSELF GO LIMP.
- WHEN DO I GET
MY BREAKFAST?
- SHH.
I'M TRYING TO TEACH CHRISSY
HOW TO HYPNOTIZE HERSELF.
HYPNOTISM? NOBODY
BELIEVES IN THAT BOLOGNA.
STANLEY, PLEASE. I'M TRYING
TO TURN HER OFF FOOD.
WHY DON'T YOU LET HER
TASTE SOME OF YOUR COOKING?
CHRISSY, CHRISSY
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
(exhales)
NOW JUST LET
YOURSELF GO AND SAY,
"I AM NOT HUNGRY."
"I AM NOT HUNGRY."
- SAY THAT.
- I AM NOT HUNGRY.
AGAIN.
I AM NOT HUNGRY.
- I AM NOT HUNGRY.
- GOOD.
NOW...
- (snaps fingers) - WAKE UP.
- HOW DO YOU FEEL?
- GREAT!
- YOU SEE?!
- I'D FEEL A LOT BETTER
IF I HAD A SANDWICH THOUGH.
OH, NO. CHRISSY, JUST
KEEP WORKING AT IT.
SOME PEOPLE TAKE A LITTLE
LONGER THAN OTHERS TO GET IT.
COME ON, STANLEY,
I'LL FIX YOU BREAKFAST.
STANLEY?
STANLEY.
I AM NOT HUNGRY.
MM-MMM, THIS IS SO DELICIOUS.
YOU'RE A GREAT COOK, JACK.
LOUSY COMPANY, BUT A GREAT COOK.
- CHRISSY.
- ARE YOU READY
TO GIVE UP?
- JACK, THAT'S
A VERY GOOD IDEA.
- MEN NEVER GIVE UP.
- I KNOW, THAT'S WHY
WARS LAST SO LONG.
- (silent)
- CHRISSY.
- DID YOU CALL ME?
YES. IT'S YOUR TURN
TO WASH THE DISHES.
WHY SHOULD I? I DIDN'T DIRTY THEM.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CLEAN THEM.
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
- I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE
OUT THE GARBAGE.
NO, YOU DON'T. I DON'T
TRUST YOU WITH THIS GARBAGE.
- I'LL TAKE IT OUT.
- NO, YOU WON'T, JACK.
YOU ARE NOT LEAVING
THIS APARTMENT.
WHY? I'M ONLY GONNA
DROP OFF THE GARBAGE.
WHERE, AT GRACE'S HOTEL?
GARBAGE IS A
TWO-WAY STREET, JACK.
OKAY, THIS HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.
I'M GONNA PUT AN END TO THIS
ONCE AND FOR ALL. HERE WE GO.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WHAT... CHOCOLATE CAKE!
- NO, THAT'S
CHRISSY'S FAVORITE.
- YEAH, I KNOW.
CHRISSY, LOOKY, LOOKY.
- OH, CHOCOLATE CAKE.
- ARE YOU READY TO CALL
IT QUITS NOW?
- YES, YES!
- I'M NOT, I'M NOT.
- I MUST HAVE THIS CAKE.
- (doorbell rings)
OVER MY DEAD BODY, CHRISSY.
- NO, PLEASE, CHRISSY...
- Grace: JACK,
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
I WAITED AND I WAITED.
I CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER.
I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
(Jack whimpers)
EAT YOUR CAKE!
- I GOTTA HAVE THIS CAKE!
- I CAN'T LET YOU HAVE IT!
- GIVE CHRISSY THE CAKE!
- Chrissy: GIVE CHRISSY
THE CAKE!
- NO, CHRISSY, I CAN'T.
- YES, YOU CAN.
NO, I CAN'T, CHRISSY. LOOK
WHAT IT WOULD MEAN TO... AH-OW!
- (whispers) EAT IT, EAT IT.
- LET ME OUT.
- DON'T EAT THAT CAKE.
- WHAT DO YOU SAY, YOU
WANT CALL IT A DRAW?
- YES.
- (grunting) COME HERE, GRACE!
ON THE COUNT OF THREE, CHRISSY.
WE BOTH START NIBBLING, READY?
- YES.
- ONE, TWO, THREE... WHOA-OA!
OH.
- JANET, YOU MADE ME LOSE.
- Grace: JACK.
- JACK, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
- (thumps)
(Jack's screaming)
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- MY BACK, IT'S MY... MY BACK WENT OUT.
OH, NO! THAT'S IT. BYE, JACK!
NO, WAIT. GRACE, IT'LL BE
OKAY IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.
MY SHIP SAILS AT MIDNIGHT.
YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY.
THANKS TO YOU, ALL I'VE HAD
FOR MY WEEKEND ASHORE
IS A WEEKEND ASHORE.
NO, GRACE. GRACE, COULD
YOU JUST... GRACE, PLEASE.
MAYBE IF YOU
MASSAGED IT A LITTLE...
(screams)
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
JACK. YOU WON THE BET.
YEAH, I WON THE BET,
BUT THE PRIZE JUST LEFT.
- (water running)
- Jack: WHOO-WHOO.
- WANT SOME?
- NO THANKS, CHRISSY,
I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
Mrs. Roper: YOU'RE
FEELING 10 YEARS YOUNGER.
YOU'RE OVERCOME WITH DESIRE.
NOW STANLEY, WHEN
I SNAP MY FINGERS,
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
ME IN YOUR MANLY ARMS,
SHOWER ME WITH KISSES,
AND MAKE MAD,
PASSIONATE LOVE TO ME.
(snaps fingers)
HELLO, STANLEY.
I AM NOT HUNGRY.
(silent)
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.