Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 5 - Helen's Rendezvous - full transcript
Stanley got into an argument with his best friend, Jerry, because he wouldn't buy him a drink as promised when Mr. Roper won a bowling contest. Upset on seeing his changed behavior, Helen plans to discuss the situation with Jerry without Stanley knowing. Helen asks the kids to lent her and Jerry their apartment so they could meet privately. However, Jack, Janet, Chrissy, and Jerry all get the wrong idea of Mrs. Roper's meeting request.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
OH, HI, STANLEY.
DID YOU HAVE A
GOOD TIME BOWLING?
NEVER MIND, STANLEY. THE
IMPORTANT THING IS TO ENJOY YOURSELF.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU LOSE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I LOST?
'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS LOSE.
WELL, THIS TIME I
WON, HELEN, I WON.
THEN WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?
BECAUSE THAT JERRY
GORDON IS A CHEAP CREEP.
- I AGREE.
- HE KNOWS THE LOSER'S
SUPPOSE TO BUY THE BEER.
I WON AND HE
DIDN'T BUY ANY BEER.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
JERRY ALL RIGHT.
HE SAID HE COULDN'T HANG
AROUND. HE SAID HE HAD A DATE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
EVEN A SLOB LIKE JERRY
CAN GET LUCKY SOMETIME.
HE DIDN'T HAVE A DATE. HE JUST
DIDN'T WANT TO BUY THE BEER.
HE'S NOTHING BUT A
CHEAP CREEP. I HATE HIM!
THEN WHY DO YOU
HANG AROUND WITH HIM?
BECAUSE HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
LOOK, STANLEY, IF YOU'RE
SO UPSET ABOUT THIS,
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A TALK WITH JERRY
AND TRY TO
STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT?
HOW CAN I HAVE A TALK WITH HIM
WHEN I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM?
I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO.
I'D RATHER BE ANGRY.
- ♪ SHINE ON,
SHINE ON HARVEST MOON... ♪
- JACK.
- I CAN'T HEAR.
- OH, SORRY.
(screaming) ♪ SHINE
ON, SHINE ON, HAR... ♪
- JACK!
- OKAY, OKAY.
I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOUR
FINGERS, BUT I NEED MY RACKET.
- TAKE IT, IT NEEDS
TUNING ANYWAY.
- OH, JACK.
YEAH, WELL, I UNDERSTAND.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.
(sighs)
HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT
IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- THAT WAS DAVID.
- MM-HUH.
HE WAS SUDDENLY CALLED OUT OF TOWN.
SO I DON'T HAVE A DATE FOR THIS WEEKEND.
OH CHRISSY... HEY, DO YOU
WANT ME TO CALL BOB GREEN?
- NO.
- WHY NOT? HE'S DYING
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
HE NEVER LOOKS ME
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.
WELL, MAYBE THE GUY IS SHY.
THEN WHY IS HE ALWAYS
LOOKING EVERYWHERE ELSE?
I'M AWFUL SORRY AND
I WOULD LOVE TO HELP,
BUT I GOTTA GET GOING.
I HAVE A TENNIS LESSON
WITH A VERY HANDSOME
SEXY TENNIS PRO.
JANET, TRY NOT TO JUMP OVER
THE NET UNTIL THE GAME IS OVER.
OH, YOU. BYE-BYE.
- BYE-BYE.
- BYE.
(sighing)
COME ON, CHRISSY, CHEER UP.
HEY, I'LL BE YOUR DATE TONIGHT.
WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?
- JACK TRIPPER,
YOU HAVE NERVE.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GIRL
YOU CAN ASK OUT AT THE LAST MINUTE?
WELL, NO, BUT I JUST THOUGHT...
BESIDES, I DON'T THINK A GIRL OUGHT
TO DATE THE MAN SHE LIVES WITH.
CHRISSY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER.
WE JUST... LIVE TOGETHER.
IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT,
DATING SOMEONE I SEE WALKING
AROUND IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
(gasps) CHRISSY,
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I MEAN
WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.
GOING OUT WITH YOU
WOULDN'T BE LIKE A DATE.
CHRISSY, BELIEVE ME,
WHEN I GO OUT ON A DATE,
I'M A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT PERSON.
- REALLY?
- YEAH, SIT DOWN. I'LL SHOW YOU.
SEE, CHRISSY, WHEN I GO
OUT, THE FIRST THING I DO
IS ORDER THE BEST
WINE IN THE HOUSE.
- BUT JACK,
YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
- YES, I CAN.
THE BEST WINE IN THIS
HOUSE. IT'S ONLY 98¢
HERE YOU GO, CHRISSY.
I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN YOU DATE
JACK TRIPPER YOU GO FIRST CLASS.
- TAKE YOUR GLASS. A TOAST.
- OKAY.
HERE'S TO JACK AND
HERE'S TO CHRISSY.
LET'S GET STARTED
WITH A LITTLE KISSY.
HOLD IT.
IF YOU THINK I'M THAT KIND OF
DATE, YOU CAN GO HOME RIGHT NOW.
- I LIVE HERE.
- THAT'S NO EXCUSE.
OKAY, OKAY, HOW ABOUT LET'S
START THE DATE ALL OVER AGAIN, OKAY?
OKAY, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE
TO ACT LIKE A GENTLEMAN.
I PROMISE.
CHRISSY, I AM REQUESTING
THE HONOR OF YOUR PRESENCE
FOR LUNCHEON AT LE REGAL BEAGLE.
THE REGAL BEAGLE?
YOU GOT IT.
I'D LOVE TO.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHRISSY,
YOU ARE THE PERFECT DATE.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS,
I KNOW YOU'LL BE
COMING BACK TO MY PLACE.
OH...
ARE YOU JUST GONNA
SIT THERE BY THE PHONE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
NO, JUST TILL JERRY GORDON
CALLS AND APOLOGIZES.
YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
I MEAN JUST... JUST...
JUST... DOING NOTHING,
NOT EVEN MOVING.
I'M USED TO THAT AT NIGHT,
BUT IN THE DAYTIME TOO?
WE'VE BEEN BOWLING TOGETHER FOR
11 YEARS. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?
STANLEY, YOU'RE LETTING
THAT STUPID JERK GET TO YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT
YOURSELF ANYMORE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS MORNING YOU PUT THE
CAP BACK ON THE TOOTHPASTE.
YOU HUNG UP YOUR ROBE. YOU
EVEN CHANGED YOUR SOCKS.
ANGER MAKES A MAN
DO CRAZY THINGS.
LOOK, STANLEY, HE'S YOUR FRIEND.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU
STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD
AND GET ON THE PHONE
AND CALL THE BUM?
NEVER. HE'S GOING TO COME
CRAWLING BACK ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES.
- YOU'LL SEE.
- WOULD IT BE EASIER
FOR YOU IF I CALLED HIM?
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
- IT'S NOT A TOLL CALL.
I DON'T WANT YOU CALLING HIM.
I FORBID YOU TO
EVEN TALK TO HIM.
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
- ALL RIGHT!
STANLEY, DON'T GET EXCITED!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT.
OH REALLY...
WELL, THIS IS JUST SILLY, JERRY.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
I WAS HOPING TO GET
TOGETHER WITH YOU LAST NIGHT.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S ON THE
MAKE FOR MR. ROPER AGAIN.
YOU CAN'T TURN ME DOWN, JERRY.
JERRY?
AND HERE ALL THE TIME, WE'VE
BEEN CALLING MR. ROPER STANLEY.
HIS NAME IS STANLEY.
LOOK, JERRY, I AM DESPERATE.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE
STANLEY ANYMORE.
NOW I'VE GOT TO SEE
YOU THIS AFTERNOON.
I'LL COME TO YOUR APARTMENT.
OH, THEN WE'LL HAVE TO FIND
SOME OTHER PLACE TO MEET.
OH, HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA
WHERE WE CAN MEET.
I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.
HI, KIDS.
- OH, MRS. ROPER.
- LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HI, MRS. ROPER. WE DIDN'T
SEE YOU HERE, DID WE, CHRISSY?
NO, WE DIDN'T EVEN
HEAR YOU ON THE PHONE.
LOOK, I... I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF I COULD USE YOUR APARTMENT
FOR A LITTLE WHILE THIS AFTERNOON.
(laughs) WELL, I
GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- ISN'T IT, CHRISSY?
- IF YOU SAY SO.
THANKS, KIDS. GEE, I
REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
OH, DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
AND DON'T MENTION
THIS TO STANLEY
WHATEVER YOU DO.
IF HE EVER FOUND IT,
HE'D NEVER FORGIVE ME.
THANKS.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YEAH, IT'S JUST LIKE "THE
YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS."
(doorbell rings)
HELLO, HELEN.
COME ON IN. DON'T
JUST STAND THERE.
(sighs)
I PARKED AROUND THE CORNER SO
STANLEY WON'T RECOGNIZE MY CAR.
GOOD THINKING, JERRY.
IT ISN'T EVERYONE
WHO DRIVES A 1947 NASH.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL SIT DOWN
AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS SURPRISED
WHEN YOU CALLED ME.
I ALWAYS HAD THE
FEELING YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.
WELL, WHATEVER GAVE
YOU AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
LIKE THE TIME YOU HAD
THE NEW YEARS EVE PARTY,
AND YOU INVITED
EVERYONE, BUT ME.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT
MAKE? YOU SHOWED UP ANYWAY.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S SAFE HERE?
COME ON, IT ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN UP IN THIS APARTMENT.
IT ISN'T?
IS IT ALL RIGHT
IF I HAVE A DRINK?
HELP YOURSELF.
LOOK, JERRY, I KNOW
THIS ISN'T EASY FOR YOU,
I MEAN BEING STANLEY'S
BEST FRIEND AND ALL.
BUT... I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW
THAT I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE
THIS APARTMENT UNTIL YOU GIVE IN.
HUH?
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME,
SO LET'S GET DOWN
TO BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY WE EVER TOLD MRS.
ROPER SHE COULD USE OUR APARTMENT.
COME ON, CHRISSY,
I HAD NO CHOICE.
YOU KNOW? I MEAN WHAT
WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO?
TELL HER NO, YOU CANNOT USE
OUR APARTMENT FOR AN ILLICIT FLING.
OH... OOH... (groans)
HI... HI, MR. ROPER HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN "ILLICIT FLING?"
ILLICIT FLING.
WELL... (stutters)
THAT'S A NEW DISCO DANCE THAT
JUST CAME OUT, "THE ILLICIT FLING."
WE'LL SHOW HIM HOW
IT GOES. COME ON!
THE ILLICIT FLING. OF COURSE!
(rhythmic vocalization)
WHOOO!
Both: THE ILLICIT FLING!
GREAT DANCE, HUH?
HOW DO YOU DECIDE
WHICH ONE OF YOU LEADS?
HAVE YOU SEEN HELEN?
WHICH HELEN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHICH HELEN?
WELL, MR. ROPER, THERE ARE LOTS
OF HELENS. THERE'S HELEN REDDY,
HELEN HAYES, HELEN OF TROY.
MY WIFE, HELEN OF SANTA MONICA.
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT HELEN.
- HAVE YOU SEEN
THAT HELEN, CHRISSY?
- WHICH HELEN?
SHE'S PROBABLY OUT
SHOPPING OR SOMETHING.
YEAH, PROBABLY OUT
SHOPPING OR SOMETHING.
- BY THE WAY, I'M GOING
TO FIX THAT OVEN OF YOURS.
- NOW?
- I PROBABLY WON'T
GET TO IT UNTIL TOMORROW.
- TOMORROW WILL BE FINE.
GOOD THING HE DIDN'T
GO TO FIX THE OVEN NOW.
WOULDN'T IT BE TERRIBLE IF HE
CAUGHT MRS. ROPER WITH JERRY?
YEAH. I HATE THE IDEA OF SCRAPING
A STRANGER OFF OF OUR WALLS!
I KNEW I WAS GOING
TO FIND YOU GUYS HERE.
- YOU WON'T BELIEVE
WHAT HAPPENED.
- JANET...
I HAVE A DATE FOR TONIGHT.
YOU DO? WITH THE
TENNIS INSTRUCTOR?
YEAH. HIS NAME IF JEFFREY. TODAY WE PLAYED
ON HIS COURT, TONIGHT WE'LL PLAY ON MINE!
IT'S A GOOD THING I
RAN INTO MR. ROPER.
- I TALKED HIM INTO
GOING UP TO FIX THE OVEN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT...
- YOU SENT HIM
TO OUR APARTMENT?
- YEAH.
- RIGHT NOW?
- YEAH.
I'VE INVITED JEFFREY
OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
JACK, WILL YOU BE A
DARLING AND COOK IT FOR ME?
- YOU DON'T NEED ME.
- WHY NOT?
'CAUSE THERE'S PLENTY
COOKING UP THERE ALREADY!
WELL, I'M SO GLAD YOU
UNDERSTAND, JERRY,
BECAUSE STANLEY IS SO STUBBORN
AND SO SENSITIVE.
WELL, IF YOU MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE,
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN PATCH
THINGS UP AND BE FRIENDS AGAIN.
- I'LL CALL HIM TONIGHT.
- GOOD!
AND NOW...
LET'S TALK ABOUT WHY YOU
REALLY INVITED ME UP HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
COME ON, HELEN!
A VIRILE, MACHO BACHELOR...
ALONE WITH A DESIRABLE,
LOVE-STARVED LANDLADY!
WE BOTH KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
IT MEANS YOU CAN'T
HANDLE CHEAP WINE.
PLEASE, DON'T DIM
THIS MAGIC MOMENT.
MAGIC MOM...
I KNOW YOUR LITTLE GAME, HELEN.
YOU LIKE TO AROUSE THE ANIMAL IN
A MAN AND THEN PLAY HARD TO GET.
WELL, TODAY YOU MET YOUR MATCH!
JERRY!
I CAN TELL YOU WANT ME
AS MUCH AS I WANT YOU!
YOU'RE AFLAME WITH PASSION!
I CAN SEE IT IN
YOUR VERY NOSTRILS,
IN YOUR BURNING EYES!
THAT ISN'T PASSION, THAT'S SMOG!
DON'T TOY WITH ME, HELEN.
I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU!
I WISH YOU COULD, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
SPILLING WINE ALL OVER THE TABLE.
SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME?
LISTEN, JERRY. THE MINUTE I
GET THIS WINE CLEANED UP,
I'LL GET RIGHT OUT OF
HERE, AND SO ARE YOU!
YOU ARE SO WOMANLY
WHEN YOU'RE DOING WOMAN'S WORK!
OH MY GOD!
HELEN, YOU SET MY BRAIN ON FIRE!
WELL, MAYBE THIS
WILL PUT IT OUT!
(grunts) LET ME GO!
IT'S NO GOOD TO FIGHT IT, HELEN!
IF IT WERE ANY GOOD,
I WOULDN'T FIGHT IT!
OH MY GOD, I THINK HE
SWALLOWED MY EARRING!
Stanley: ♪ SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND
THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES ♪
- ♪ SHE'LL BE
COMING ROUND... ♪
- IT'S STANLEY!
- HE'S COMING IN!
- WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO?!
HERE, GET IN THE
BATHROOM, QUICK!
HELEN!
- (deep sigh)
- WHEW!
THAT WAS CLOSE!
IT'S SO HUMILIATING TO BE CAUGHT
AT SOMETHING YOU WEREN'T DOING.
I'M SO NERVOUS!
COME ON, GO SIT DOWN
- AND PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER.
- (toilet flushes)
MR. ROPER!
OH, MR. ROPER, IT'S SO
NICE TO SEE YOU ALL ALONE.
BEHAVE YOURSELF, JACK.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU
LEFT THE WINE OUT,
- SO I JUST HELPED MYSELF.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY,
MR. ROPER.
FIXING OVENS IS
VERY THIRSTY WORK.
IT'S THE GAS.
MR. ROPER, YOU'VE
ALREADY FIXED THE OVEN?
NO, SEE, I TRIED TO QUENCH
MY THIRST BEFORE I GOT THIRSTY.
OTHERWISE YOU HAVE TO WAIT TILL YOU'RE
HALFWAY THROUGH BEFORE YOU TAKE A DRINK.
- THAT'S VERY CLEVER.
- WHAT'S HE DOING?
HIM? HE'S CHECKING
THE FURNITURE.
HE LIKES TO DO THAT
WHENEVER WE'VE BEEN OUT.
IT'S SO OLD, YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN A PIECE MIGHT HAVE DIED.
(nervous chuckle) GIRLS!
SOMETHING'S JUST COME UP.
MAY I SPEAK TO YOU A MOMENT
IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM?
- THE BATHROOM?
- YEAH, WE ALWAYS HOLD
OUR MEETINGS IN THERE.
THE ACOUSTICS ARE GREAT!
AND THERE'S LOTS
OF PAPER FOR NOTES!
- SEE, WHAT SHE MEANS...
- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!
WHO IS THIS?
(whispering) THIS IS
CHRISSY, JANET AND JACK.
WHO ARE THEY HIDING FROM?
THEY LIVE HERE!
THIS IS...
- THIS IS JERRY GORDON.
- PLEASED TO MEET YOU...
DON'T GET UP.
I'M JANET, AND THIS IS JACK,
- AND OVER HERE IS CHRISSY.
- HELLO. MY PLEASURE.
LOOK, I WANT YOU KIDS TO KNOW
THAT THIS IS NOT
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
MRS. ROPER, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
SHE DOES TOO HAVE TO EXPLAIN!
PUT YOURSELF IN
YOUR HUSBAND'S PLACE.
HOW WOULD YOU
FEEL IF YOU CAME HOME
AND YOU FOUND MR. ROPER HIDING
IN THE BATHROOM WITH JERRY?
JERRY IS STANLEY'S BEST FRIEND.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE!
CHRISSY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
JERRY AND STANLEY
HAD AN ARGUMENT,
AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO
PATCH THINGS UP BETWEEN THEM.
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN,
YOU AND HE AREN'T HAVING A...
BE SERIOUS, JACK!
IF I'VE GONE ALL THESE YEARS
WITHOUT CHEATING ON STANLEY,
WOULD I START WITH THIS?
WHAT'LL STANLEY DO
IF HE FINDS ME HERE?
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- WHAT, JACK?
MRS. ROPER,
I WILL GET MR. ROPER INTO THE
BEDROOM WHILE YOU TWO SLIP OUT.
TAKE IT FROM ME, JACK,
IT ISN'T EASY TO GET
STANLEY INTO THE BEDROOM.
JUST LEAVE IT TO ME,
AND DON'T MAKE A SOUND.
DON'T MOVE, DON'T EVEN BREATHE.
- (screaming)
- (toilet flushes)
I'M SCARED STANLEY
WILL COME IN AND SEE ME.
GO HIDE IN THE BATHTUB.
GOOD IDEA.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THAT?
OH, JANET AND CHRISSY
WERE TAKING A SHOWER.
- TOGETHER?
- HUH?
THEY ALWAYS TAKE SHOWERS
TOGETHER... WATER SHORTAGE, YOU KNOW?
THE WATER SHORTAGE IS OVER.
WELL, THANKS TO PEOPLE WHO
CARE, LIKE JANET AND CHRISSY!
ANOTHER THING, MR. ROPER.
WE'RE HAVING SOME PROBLEMS
WITH THE CLOSET DOOR
IN THE GIRLS' BEDROOM.
WOULD YOU TAKE A LOOK AT IT?
- A LANDLORD'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
- TAKE A MINUTE, OKAY?
DO YOU MIND? PEOPLE MIGHT TALK.
OKAY, THE COAST IS CLEAR.
Stanley: JACK!
YES, MR. ROPER?
- WOULD YOU GET
MY TOOLS?
- TOOLS!
RIGHT, TOOLS!
HERE'S TOOLS. TOOLS ARE...
- HERE ARE YOUR TOOLS.
- I KNOW WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THE CLOSET.
- IT'S GOT THE SAME
PROBLEM YOU HAVE.
- WHAT'S THAT?
A SCREW'S LOOSE!
- LISTEN, I...
- I HATE LONG GOOD-BYES.
HELEN!
- OH, JACK!
- OH, HI!
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- OH WELL, I...
- (Jerry screams)
- (loud crash)
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT? I DIDN'T
HEAR ANYBODY SCREAM.
DID YOU HEAR ANYBODY SCREAM,
JANET? NO SCREAMS HERE, UH-UH!
WHAT A SCREWED-UP
PLACE TO PUT A TRASH CAN!
OH, IT'S YOU.
WHY, JERRY GORDON!
WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING HERE.
- YOU DO?
- SURE.
I TOLD YOU HE'D COME CRAWLING
BACK ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES!
SO YOU'VE FINALLY DECIDED THAT
YOU'RE A REAL CHEAP CREEP, RIGHT?
HUH?!
OH... YEAH, UH... RIGHT!
AND YOU CAME BACK TO
TELL ME YOU'RE SORRY, RIGHT?
EH... RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO BUY
ME THAT BEER TONIGHT, RIGHT?
WHATEVER YOU SAY, STANLEY.
I ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION.
HOW COME YOU'RE ALL WET?
IT'S NOT RAINING OUTSIDE.
HE MUST HAVE GOT CAUGHT
IN AN UNEXPECTED SHOWER.
COME ON, LET'S
GO HAVE THAT BEER.
OH, MRS. ROPER! (laughs)
OH THAT WAS... YOU
HANDLED IT SO WELL!
- YEAH, YOU WERE GREAT!
- YOU WERE SO CALM
AND COLLECTED.
OH IT WAS NOTHING.
MRS. ROPER! MRS. ROPER!
GEE, WHAT'S THE MATTER, JACK?
COULDN'T YOU GET A
DATE AGAIN TONIGHT?
WHO, ME? YOU'VE
GOT TO BE KIDDING.
- I COULD DATE ANY GIRL
I WANTED TO.
- OKAY.
THEN LET'S SEE YOU GET A
DATE WITH EILEEN PALMER.
SEEMS TO ME SHE TURNED
YOU DOWN LAST WEEK.
SHE DID NOT TURN ME DOWN.
OH?
- THEN WHY DON'T
GIVE HER A CALL?
- OKAY. I WILL.
NO GIRL TURNS DOWN A TRIPPER.
LET'S SEE... EILEEN PALMER.
OKAY.
UH... JUST CALL HER RIGHT NOW.
UH, SEE...
HELLO, EILEEN?
THIS IS JACK TRIPPER.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T
CALLED YOU TOO LATE.
NO? I CAN CALL
YOU ANYTIME AT ALL?
WELL, AREN'T YOU A SWEETIE PIE?
- LISTEN, ABOUT TONIGHT...
- (phone rings)
EILEEN, YOUR OTHER
PHONE IS RINGING!
UH...
Ritter: "THREE'S COMPANY"
WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
OH, HI, STANLEY.
DID YOU HAVE A
GOOD TIME BOWLING?
NEVER MIND, STANLEY. THE
IMPORTANT THING IS TO ENJOY YOURSELF.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU LOSE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I LOST?
'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS LOSE.
WELL, THIS TIME I
WON, HELEN, I WON.
THEN WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY?
BECAUSE THAT JERRY
GORDON IS A CHEAP CREEP.
- I AGREE.
- HE KNOWS THE LOSER'S
SUPPOSE TO BUY THE BEER.
I WON AND HE
DIDN'T BUY ANY BEER.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
JERRY ALL RIGHT.
HE SAID HE COULDN'T HANG
AROUND. HE SAID HE HAD A DATE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
EVEN A SLOB LIKE JERRY
CAN GET LUCKY SOMETIME.
HE DIDN'T HAVE A DATE. HE JUST
DIDN'T WANT TO BUY THE BEER.
HE'S NOTHING BUT A
CHEAP CREEP. I HATE HIM!
THEN WHY DO YOU
HANG AROUND WITH HIM?
BECAUSE HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
LOOK, STANLEY, IF YOU'RE
SO UPSET ABOUT THIS,
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE
A TALK WITH JERRY
AND TRY TO
STRAIGHTEN THINGS OUT?
HOW CAN I HAVE A TALK WITH HIM
WHEN I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM?
I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO.
I'D RATHER BE ANGRY.
- ♪ SHINE ON,
SHINE ON HARVEST MOON... ♪
- JACK.
- I CAN'T HEAR.
- OH, SORRY.
(screaming) ♪ SHINE
ON, SHINE ON, HAR... ♪
- JACK!
- OKAY, OKAY.
I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOUR
FINGERS, BUT I NEED MY RACKET.
- TAKE IT, IT NEEDS
TUNING ANYWAY.
- OH, JACK.
YEAH, WELL, I UNDERSTAND.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, BYE-BYE.
(sighs)
HEY, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT
IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- THAT WAS DAVID.
- MM-HUH.
HE WAS SUDDENLY CALLED OUT OF TOWN.
SO I DON'T HAVE A DATE FOR THIS WEEKEND.
OH CHRISSY... HEY, DO YOU
WANT ME TO CALL BOB GREEN?
- NO.
- WHY NOT? HE'S DYING
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
HE NEVER LOOKS ME
STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.
WELL, MAYBE THE GUY IS SHY.
THEN WHY IS HE ALWAYS
LOOKING EVERYWHERE ELSE?
I'M AWFUL SORRY AND
I WOULD LOVE TO HELP,
BUT I GOTTA GET GOING.
I HAVE A TENNIS LESSON
WITH A VERY HANDSOME
SEXY TENNIS PRO.
JANET, TRY NOT TO JUMP OVER
THE NET UNTIL THE GAME IS OVER.
OH, YOU. BYE-BYE.
- BYE-BYE.
- BYE.
(sighing)
COME ON, CHRISSY, CHEER UP.
HEY, I'LL BE YOUR DATE TONIGHT.
WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME?
- JACK TRIPPER,
YOU HAVE NERVE.
- WHAT'S WRONG?
DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GIRL
YOU CAN ASK OUT AT THE LAST MINUTE?
WELL, NO, BUT I JUST THOUGHT...
BESIDES, I DON'T THINK A GIRL OUGHT
TO DATE THE MAN SHE LIVES WITH.
CHRISSY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WE DON'T LIVE TOGETHER.
WE JUST... LIVE TOGETHER.
IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT,
DATING SOMEONE I SEE WALKING
AROUND IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
(gasps) CHRISSY,
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. I MEAN
WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.
GOING OUT WITH YOU
WOULDN'T BE LIKE A DATE.
CHRISSY, BELIEVE ME,
WHEN I GO OUT ON A DATE,
I'M A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT PERSON.
- REALLY?
- YEAH, SIT DOWN. I'LL SHOW YOU.
SEE, CHRISSY, WHEN I GO
OUT, THE FIRST THING I DO
IS ORDER THE BEST
WINE IN THE HOUSE.
- BUT JACK,
YOU CAN'T AFFORD THAT.
- YES, I CAN.
THE BEST WINE IN THIS
HOUSE. IT'S ONLY 98¢
HERE YOU GO, CHRISSY.
I'M TELLING YOU, WHEN YOU DATE
JACK TRIPPER YOU GO FIRST CLASS.
- TAKE YOUR GLASS. A TOAST.
- OKAY.
HERE'S TO JACK AND
HERE'S TO CHRISSY.
LET'S GET STARTED
WITH A LITTLE KISSY.
HOLD IT.
IF YOU THINK I'M THAT KIND OF
DATE, YOU CAN GO HOME RIGHT NOW.
- I LIVE HERE.
- THAT'S NO EXCUSE.
OKAY, OKAY, HOW ABOUT LET'S
START THE DATE ALL OVER AGAIN, OKAY?
OKAY, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE
TO ACT LIKE A GENTLEMAN.
I PROMISE.
CHRISSY, I AM REQUESTING
THE HONOR OF YOUR PRESENCE
FOR LUNCHEON AT LE REGAL BEAGLE.
THE REGAL BEAGLE?
YOU GOT IT.
I'D LOVE TO.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHRISSY,
YOU ARE THE PERFECT DATE.
- WHY?
- BECAUSE NO MATTER
WHAT HAPPENS,
I KNOW YOU'LL BE
COMING BACK TO MY PLACE.
OH...
ARE YOU JUST GONNA
SIT THERE BY THE PHONE
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
NO, JUST TILL JERRY GORDON
CALLS AND APOLOGIZES.
YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT HEALTHY.
I MEAN JUST... JUST...
JUST... DOING NOTHING,
NOT EVEN MOVING.
I'M USED TO THAT AT NIGHT,
BUT IN THE DAYTIME TOO?
WE'VE BEEN BOWLING TOGETHER FOR
11 YEARS. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?
STANLEY, YOU'RE LETTING
THAT STUPID JERK GET TO YOU.
- YOU'RE NOT
YOURSELF ANYMORE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THIS MORNING YOU PUT THE
CAP BACK ON THE TOOTHPASTE.
YOU HUNG UP YOUR ROBE. YOU
EVEN CHANGED YOUR SOCKS.
ANGER MAKES A MAN
DO CRAZY THINGS.
LOOK, STANLEY, HE'S YOUR FRIEND.
NOW WHY DON'T YOU
STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD
AND GET ON THE PHONE
AND CALL THE BUM?
NEVER. HE'S GOING TO COME
CRAWLING BACK ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES.
- YOU'LL SEE.
- WOULD IT BE EASIER
FOR YOU IF I CALLED HIM?
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
- IT'S NOT A TOLL CALL.
I DON'T WANT YOU CALLING HIM.
I FORBID YOU TO
EVEN TALK TO HIM.
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
- ALL RIGHT!
STANLEY, DON'T GET EXCITED!
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT.
OH REALLY...
WELL, THIS IS JUST SILLY, JERRY.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU.
I WAS HOPING TO GET
TOGETHER WITH YOU LAST NIGHT.
SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S ON THE
MAKE FOR MR. ROPER AGAIN.
YOU CAN'T TURN ME DOWN, JERRY.
JERRY?
AND HERE ALL THE TIME, WE'VE
BEEN CALLING MR. ROPER STANLEY.
HIS NAME IS STANLEY.
LOOK, JERRY, I AM DESPERATE.
I JUST CAN'T TAKE
STANLEY ANYMORE.
NOW I'VE GOT TO SEE
YOU THIS AFTERNOON.
I'LL COME TO YOUR APARTMENT.
OH, THEN WE'LL HAVE TO FIND
SOME OTHER PLACE TO MEET.
OH, HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA
WHERE WE CAN MEET.
I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.
HI, KIDS.
- OH, MRS. ROPER.
- LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HI, MRS. ROPER. WE DIDN'T
SEE YOU HERE, DID WE, CHRISSY?
NO, WE DIDN'T EVEN
HEAR YOU ON THE PHONE.
LOOK, I... I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF I COULD USE YOUR APARTMENT
FOR A LITTLE WHILE THIS AFTERNOON.
(laughs) WELL, I
GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- ISN'T IT, CHRISSY?
- IF YOU SAY SO.
THANKS, KIDS. GEE, I
REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
OH, DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?
AND DON'T MENTION
THIS TO STANLEY
WHATEVER YOU DO.
IF HE EVER FOUND IT,
HE'D NEVER FORGIVE ME.
THANKS.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
YEAH, IT'S JUST LIKE "THE
YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS."
(doorbell rings)
HELLO, HELEN.
COME ON IN. DON'T
JUST STAND THERE.
(sighs)
I PARKED AROUND THE CORNER SO
STANLEY WON'T RECOGNIZE MY CAR.
GOOD THINKING, JERRY.
IT ISN'T EVERYONE
WHO DRIVES A 1947 NASH.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL SIT DOWN
AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.
YOU KNOW, I WAS SURPRISED
WHEN YOU CALLED ME.
I ALWAYS HAD THE
FEELING YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.
WELL, WHATEVER GAVE
YOU AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
LIKE THE TIME YOU HAD
THE NEW YEARS EVE PARTY,
AND YOU INVITED
EVERYONE, BUT ME.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DID IT
MAKE? YOU SHOWED UP ANYWAY.
ARE YOU SURE IT'S SAFE HERE?
COME ON, IT ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN UP IN THIS APARTMENT.
IT ISN'T?
IS IT ALL RIGHT
IF I HAVE A DRINK?
HELP YOURSELF.
LOOK, JERRY, I KNOW
THIS ISN'T EASY FOR YOU,
I MEAN BEING STANLEY'S
BEST FRIEND AND ALL.
BUT... I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW
THAT I AM NOT GOING TO LEAVE
THIS APARTMENT UNTIL YOU GIVE IN.
HUH?
WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME,
SO LET'S GET DOWN
TO BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?
I'M SORRY WE EVER TOLD MRS.
ROPER SHE COULD USE OUR APARTMENT.
COME ON, CHRISSY,
I HAD NO CHOICE.
YOU KNOW? I MEAN WHAT
WAS I SUPPOSE TO DO?
TELL HER NO, YOU CANNOT USE
OUR APARTMENT FOR AN ILLICIT FLING.
OH... OOH... (groans)
HI... HI, MR. ROPER HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN "ILLICIT FLING?"
ILLICIT FLING.
WELL... (stutters)
THAT'S A NEW DISCO DANCE THAT
JUST CAME OUT, "THE ILLICIT FLING."
WE'LL SHOW HIM HOW
IT GOES. COME ON!
THE ILLICIT FLING. OF COURSE!
(rhythmic vocalization)
WHOOO!
Both: THE ILLICIT FLING!
GREAT DANCE, HUH?
HOW DO YOU DECIDE
WHICH ONE OF YOU LEADS?
HAVE YOU SEEN HELEN?
WHICH HELEN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHICH HELEN?
WELL, MR. ROPER, THERE ARE LOTS
OF HELENS. THERE'S HELEN REDDY,
HELEN HAYES, HELEN OF TROY.
MY WIFE, HELEN OF SANTA MONICA.
NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT HELEN.
- HAVE YOU SEEN
THAT HELEN, CHRISSY?
- WHICH HELEN?
SHE'S PROBABLY OUT
SHOPPING OR SOMETHING.
YEAH, PROBABLY OUT
SHOPPING OR SOMETHING.
- BY THE WAY, I'M GOING
TO FIX THAT OVEN OF YOURS.
- NOW?
- I PROBABLY WON'T
GET TO IT UNTIL TOMORROW.
- TOMORROW WILL BE FINE.
GOOD THING HE DIDN'T
GO TO FIX THE OVEN NOW.
WOULDN'T IT BE TERRIBLE IF HE
CAUGHT MRS. ROPER WITH JERRY?
YEAH. I HATE THE IDEA OF SCRAPING
A STRANGER OFF OF OUR WALLS!
I KNEW I WAS GOING
TO FIND YOU GUYS HERE.
- YOU WON'T BELIEVE
WHAT HAPPENED.
- JANET...
I HAVE A DATE FOR TONIGHT.
YOU DO? WITH THE
TENNIS INSTRUCTOR?
YEAH. HIS NAME IF JEFFREY. TODAY WE PLAYED
ON HIS COURT, TONIGHT WE'LL PLAY ON MINE!
IT'S A GOOD THING I
RAN INTO MR. ROPER.
- I TALKED HIM INTO
GOING UP TO FIX THE OVEN.
- WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT...
- YOU SENT HIM
TO OUR APARTMENT?
- YEAH.
- RIGHT NOW?
- YEAH.
I'VE INVITED JEFFREY
OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
JACK, WILL YOU BE A
DARLING AND COOK IT FOR ME?
- YOU DON'T NEED ME.
- WHY NOT?
'CAUSE THERE'S PLENTY
COOKING UP THERE ALREADY!
WELL, I'M SO GLAD YOU
UNDERSTAND, JERRY,
BECAUSE STANLEY IS SO STUBBORN
AND SO SENSITIVE.
WELL, IF YOU MAKE
THE FIRST MOVE,
THEN MAYBE YOU CAN PATCH
THINGS UP AND BE FRIENDS AGAIN.
- I'LL CALL HIM TONIGHT.
- GOOD!
AND NOW...
LET'S TALK ABOUT WHY YOU
REALLY INVITED ME UP HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
COME ON, HELEN!
A VIRILE, MACHO BACHELOR...
ALONE WITH A DESIRABLE,
LOVE-STARVED LANDLADY!
WE BOTH KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
IT MEANS YOU CAN'T
HANDLE CHEAP WINE.
PLEASE, DON'T DIM
THIS MAGIC MOMENT.
MAGIC MOM...
I KNOW YOUR LITTLE GAME, HELEN.
YOU LIKE TO AROUSE THE ANIMAL IN
A MAN AND THEN PLAY HARD TO GET.
WELL, TODAY YOU MET YOUR MATCH!
JERRY!
I CAN TELL YOU WANT ME
AS MUCH AS I WANT YOU!
YOU'RE AFLAME WITH PASSION!
I CAN SEE IT IN
YOUR VERY NOSTRILS,
IN YOUR BURNING EYES!
THAT ISN'T PASSION, THAT'S SMOG!
DON'T TOY WITH ME, HELEN.
I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU!
I WISH YOU COULD, 'CAUSE YOU'RE
SPILLING WINE ALL OVER THE TABLE.
SEE WHAT YOU DO TO ME?
LISTEN, JERRY. THE MINUTE I
GET THIS WINE CLEANED UP,
I'LL GET RIGHT OUT OF
HERE, AND SO ARE YOU!
YOU ARE SO WOMANLY
WHEN YOU'RE DOING WOMAN'S WORK!
OH MY GOD!
HELEN, YOU SET MY BRAIN ON FIRE!
WELL, MAYBE THIS
WILL PUT IT OUT!
(grunts) LET ME GO!
IT'S NO GOOD TO FIGHT IT, HELEN!
IF IT WERE ANY GOOD,
I WOULDN'T FIGHT IT!
OH MY GOD, I THINK HE
SWALLOWED MY EARRING!
Stanley: ♪ SHE'LL BE COMING ROUND
THE MOUNTAIN WHEN SHE COMES ♪
- ♪ SHE'LL BE
COMING ROUND... ♪
- IT'S STANLEY!
- HE'S COMING IN!
- WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO?!
HERE, GET IN THE
BATHROOM, QUICK!
HELEN!
- (deep sigh)
- WHEW!
THAT WAS CLOSE!
IT'S SO HUMILIATING TO BE CAUGHT
AT SOMETHING YOU WEREN'T DOING.
I'M SO NERVOUS!
COME ON, GO SIT DOWN
- AND PULL
YOURSELF TOGETHER.
- (toilet flushes)
MR. ROPER!
OH, MR. ROPER, IT'S SO
NICE TO SEE YOU ALL ALONE.
BEHAVE YOURSELF, JACK.
I'M SORRY, BUT YOU
LEFT THE WINE OUT,
- SO I JUST HELPED MYSELF.
- OH, THAT'S OKAY,
MR. ROPER.
FIXING OVENS IS
VERY THIRSTY WORK.
IT'S THE GAS.
MR. ROPER, YOU'VE
ALREADY FIXED THE OVEN?
NO, SEE, I TRIED TO QUENCH
MY THIRST BEFORE I GOT THIRSTY.
OTHERWISE YOU HAVE TO WAIT TILL YOU'RE
HALFWAY THROUGH BEFORE YOU TAKE A DRINK.
- THAT'S VERY CLEVER.
- WHAT'S HE DOING?
HIM? HE'S CHECKING
THE FURNITURE.
HE LIKES TO DO THAT
WHENEVER WE'VE BEEN OUT.
IT'S SO OLD, YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN A PIECE MIGHT HAVE DIED.
(nervous chuckle) GIRLS!
SOMETHING'S JUST COME UP.
MAY I SPEAK TO YOU A MOMENT
IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM?
- THE BATHROOM?
- YEAH, WE ALWAYS HOLD
OUR MEETINGS IN THERE.
THE ACOUSTICS ARE GREAT!
AND THERE'S LOTS
OF PAPER FOR NOTES!
- SEE, WHAT SHE MEANS...
- I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!
WHO IS THIS?
(whispering) THIS IS
CHRISSY, JANET AND JACK.
WHO ARE THEY HIDING FROM?
THEY LIVE HERE!
THIS IS...
- THIS IS JERRY GORDON.
- PLEASED TO MEET YOU...
DON'T GET UP.
I'M JANET, AND THIS IS JACK,
- AND OVER HERE IS CHRISSY.
- HELLO. MY PLEASURE.
LOOK, I WANT YOU KIDS TO KNOW
THAT THIS IS NOT
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
MRS. ROPER, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
SHE DOES TOO HAVE TO EXPLAIN!
PUT YOURSELF IN
YOUR HUSBAND'S PLACE.
HOW WOULD YOU
FEEL IF YOU CAME HOME
AND YOU FOUND MR. ROPER HIDING
IN THE BATHROOM WITH JERRY?
JERRY IS STANLEY'S BEST FRIEND.
THAT'S EVEN WORSE!
CHRISSY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
JERRY AND STANLEY
HAD AN ARGUMENT,
AND I WAS JUST TRYING TO
PATCH THINGS UP BETWEEN THEM.
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN,
YOU AND HE AREN'T HAVING A...
BE SERIOUS, JACK!
IF I'VE GONE ALL THESE YEARS
WITHOUT CHEATING ON STANLEY,
WOULD I START WITH THIS?
WHAT'LL STANLEY DO
IF HE FINDS ME HERE?
- I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
- WHAT, JACK?
MRS. ROPER,
I WILL GET MR. ROPER INTO THE
BEDROOM WHILE YOU TWO SLIP OUT.
TAKE IT FROM ME, JACK,
IT ISN'T EASY TO GET
STANLEY INTO THE BEDROOM.
JUST LEAVE IT TO ME,
AND DON'T MAKE A SOUND.
DON'T MOVE, DON'T EVEN BREATHE.
- (screaming)
- (toilet flushes)
I'M SCARED STANLEY
WILL COME IN AND SEE ME.
GO HIDE IN THE BATHTUB.
GOOD IDEA.
- WHAT'S THAT?
- THAT?
OH, JANET AND CHRISSY
WERE TAKING A SHOWER.
- TOGETHER?
- HUH?
THEY ALWAYS TAKE SHOWERS
TOGETHER... WATER SHORTAGE, YOU KNOW?
THE WATER SHORTAGE IS OVER.
WELL, THANKS TO PEOPLE WHO
CARE, LIKE JANET AND CHRISSY!
ANOTHER THING, MR. ROPER.
WE'RE HAVING SOME PROBLEMS
WITH THE CLOSET DOOR
IN THE GIRLS' BEDROOM.
WOULD YOU TAKE A LOOK AT IT?
- A LANDLORD'S WORK
IS NEVER DONE.
- TAKE A MINUTE, OKAY?
DO YOU MIND? PEOPLE MIGHT TALK.
OKAY, THE COAST IS CLEAR.
Stanley: JACK!
YES, MR. ROPER?
- WOULD YOU GET
MY TOOLS?
- TOOLS!
RIGHT, TOOLS!
HERE'S TOOLS. TOOLS ARE...
- HERE ARE YOUR TOOLS.
- I KNOW WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THE CLOSET.
- IT'S GOT THE SAME
PROBLEM YOU HAVE.
- WHAT'S THAT?
A SCREW'S LOOSE!
- LISTEN, I...
- I HATE LONG GOOD-BYES.
HELEN!
- OH, JACK!
- OH, HI!
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- OH WELL, I...
- (Jerry screams)
- (loud crash)
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT? I DIDN'T
HEAR ANYBODY SCREAM.
DID YOU HEAR ANYBODY SCREAM,
JANET? NO SCREAMS HERE, UH-UH!
WHAT A SCREWED-UP
PLACE TO PUT A TRASH CAN!
OH, IT'S YOU.
WHY, JERRY GORDON!
WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING HERE.
- YOU DO?
- SURE.
I TOLD YOU HE'D COME CRAWLING
BACK ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES!
SO YOU'VE FINALLY DECIDED THAT
YOU'RE A REAL CHEAP CREEP, RIGHT?
HUH?!
OH... YEAH, UH... RIGHT!
AND YOU CAME BACK TO
TELL ME YOU'RE SORRY, RIGHT?
EH... RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO BUY
ME THAT BEER TONIGHT, RIGHT?
WHATEVER YOU SAY, STANLEY.
I ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION.
HOW COME YOU'RE ALL WET?
IT'S NOT RAINING OUTSIDE.
HE MUST HAVE GOT CAUGHT
IN AN UNEXPECTED SHOWER.
COME ON, LET'S
GO HAVE THAT BEER.
OH, MRS. ROPER! (laughs)
OH THAT WAS... YOU
HANDLED IT SO WELL!
- YEAH, YOU WERE GREAT!
- YOU WERE SO CALM
AND COLLECTED.
OH IT WAS NOTHING.
MRS. ROPER! MRS. ROPER!
GEE, WHAT'S THE MATTER, JACK?
COULDN'T YOU GET A
DATE AGAIN TONIGHT?
WHO, ME? YOU'VE
GOT TO BE KIDDING.
- I COULD DATE ANY GIRL
I WANTED TO.
- OKAY.
THEN LET'S SEE YOU GET A
DATE WITH EILEEN PALMER.
SEEMS TO ME SHE TURNED
YOU DOWN LAST WEEK.
SHE DID NOT TURN ME DOWN.
OH?
- THEN WHY DON'T
GIVE HER A CALL?
- OKAY. I WILL.
NO GIRL TURNS DOWN A TRIPPER.
LET'S SEE... EILEEN PALMER.
OKAY.
UH... JUST CALL HER RIGHT NOW.
UH, SEE...
HELLO, EILEEN?
THIS IS JACK TRIPPER.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T
CALLED YOU TOO LATE.
NO? I CAN CALL
YOU ANYTIME AT ALL?
WELL, AREN'T YOU A SWEETIE PIE?
- LISTEN, ABOUT TONIGHT...
- (phone rings)
EILEEN, YOUR OTHER
PHONE IS RINGING!
UH...
Ritter: "THREE'S COMPANY"
WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.