Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Love Diary - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

(phone rings)

I'LL GET IT!

- CHRISSY!
- HELL...

- JUST A MINUTE.
- JUST A MINUTE.

IF THAT IS CHUCK, TELL HIM I'VE
GONE AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

- OKAY.
- IF IT'S TIM, TELL HIM

I'M DOING THE LAUNDRY
AND I'LL CALL HIM LATER.



- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, IT COULD BE MICHAEL.

IF IT'S MICHAEL... LET IT BE
MICHAEL... TELL HIM I WILL TALK TO HIM.

CHUCK, YOU'RE GOING
AWAY, TIM'S THE LAUNDRY,

- AND MICHAEL YOU'LL TALK TO?
- YOU GOT IT!

HELLO?

- ROY?
- ROY? I'M DEAD.

I AM SORRY, ROY, SHE'S DEAD.

CHRISSY!

- WHAT DID YOU DO?!
- YOU GOT ME SO CONFUSED.

- DO I LOOK DEAD?
- NO.

I'M SORRY, CHRISSY,
IT'S MY FAULT.

- HE'LL CALL BACK.
- YEAH, OR SEND A WREATH.

- (phone ringing)
- SEE? DO YOU WANT ME
TO TAKE CARE OF IT?

NO, I THINK YOU'VE
DONE ENOUGH ALREADY.

YOU SIT DOWN AND TYPE, AND
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE PHONE.

HELLO? OH HI, ROY!

OH THANK YOU. I'M VERY
RELIEVED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE TOO.

- YEAH.
- (Jack grunts)

CHRISSY, JANET,
SOMEBODY HELP ME.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER, JACK?
- MY PANTS GOT CAUGHT
ON THE CHAIN.

OKAY, OKAY, ROY. OKAY, BYE BYE.

OH GEE, JACK.

I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL
YOU, BUT YOUR BIKE'S GOT A LIMP.

- YOU'RE GOING
TO HELP ME OR WHAT?
- WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO?

HERE, I'LL HOLD THE BIKE
WHILE YOU TAKE OFF MY PANTS.

- I'M BUSY.
- SO AM I.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? HAVEN'T YOU
EVER SEEN A MAN'S BICYCLE BEFORE?

- JUST HELP ME.
- JUST FORGET IT. TAKE YOUR OWN PANTS OFF!

OW. OH!

(screams)

MY PANTS AREN'T CAUGHT
ANYMORE, ARE THEY?

LET ME WALK IT OFF.
LET ME WALK IT OFF.

HOLD ME. HOLD ME TIGHT, CHRISSY.

- MASSAGE IT
A LITTLE, JANET.
- ALL RIGHT.

- OH BOY.
- IS THERE SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THIS LEG?

NO, I JUST LOVE THE ATTENTION.

OH, JACK...

I HAVE TO GET GOING. I'VE GOT
SOME HEAVY SHOPPING TO DO.

- HEY, CHRISSY,
YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME?
- NO, THANKS.

I'VE GOT TO FINISH THIS TYPING.
I'M GETTING 75¢ A PAGE, YOU KNOW?

WOW, GOOD FOR YOU!
OKAY, HONEY, SEE YOU LATER.

- OKAY, BYE BYE.
- BYE.

- BYE, JANET.
- GOOD BYE, JACK.

DON'T TELL ME SOMEBODY FINALLY ANSWERED
THAT AD YOU PUT UP IN THE SUPERMARKET.

- UH-HUH, IT'S MY FIRST
FREE-LANCE JOB.
- 75¢ A PAGE?

OH CHRISSY, WE CAN FINALLY BUY
THAT LITTLE HOUSE IN THE COUNTRY

AND HAVE LOTS OF
KIDS AND PIGS. (snorting)

COME ON! I'VE
GOT TO FINISH THIS.

THE AUTHOR WANTS TO SEND IT
TO THE PUBLISHER RIGHT AWAY.

"MY DIARY, BY WANDA X."

IT'S A STRANGE NAME, ISN'T IT? I
WONDER WHAT THE "X" STANDS FOR.

(moans) HAVEN'T YOU READ THIS?

THE "X" ISN'T A
NAME, IT'S A RATING!

CHRISSY, THIS IS HOT STUFF.
WHAT DOES WANDA X LOOK LIKE?

I DON'T KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN
HER. SHE SENT IT TO ME IN THE MAIL.

OH, LISTEN, I'LL HELP YOU OUT.

- I'LL DICTATE
AND YOU TYPE.
- OH GREAT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THIS IS HOT STUFF?
- YOU'LL SEE. START TYPING.

"JANUARY 1ST. MY EYES
OPENED TO THE NEW YEAR,

AND I SAW JULIAN'S
SLEEPING FORM.

SOMETHING STIRRED WITHIN
ME, SOME DEEP PRIMITIVE LUST.

I REACHED OVER AND TOUCHED
JULIAN'S SHOULDER AND..."

- JACK!
- SHH!

WHAT HAPPENS AFTER SHE
TOUCHES JULIAN'S SHOULDER?

EVERYTHING!

- COME ON, JACK,
QUIT FOOLING AROUND!
- I'M NOT FOOLING AROUND,

BUT WANDA X DEFINITELY IS. CHECK
OUT THIS PASSAGE RIGHT HERE.

- OH. - MMM... - OH. - (mutters)

- OH!
- WOO-HOO!

DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE DID
ON WASHINGTON'S BIRTHDAY?

YEAH, I'LL BET OLD GEORGE NEVER
EVEN DID THAT ON HIS HONEYMOON!

- SHE'S NOT A GOOD WRITER.
- YEAH, BUT SHE DOES
GREAT RESEARCH!

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

JACK, I AM NOT FINISHED.

I AM.

- WHY DID YOU STOP?
- I CAN'T TYPE THAT WORD.

THAT ONE?

- WHEW! THANK YOU.
- MY PLEASURE.

(laughs) COME...

- THAT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE! CHRISSY...
- JACK!

DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING
YOU CAN DO IN ANOTHER PLACE?

- SURE.
- WOULD YOU PLEASE
GO DO IT?

OKAY! (cheers)

OH STANLEY, WILL YOU
TURN THAT THING OFF?

ALL IT DOES IS MAKE NOISE!

- NOT THE ONLY THING
AROUND HERE THAT DOES THAT.
- (machine stops)

WHAT?

I'M SORRY, HELEN, I GOT TO FIGURE
OUT HOW THE SHAMPOOER WORKS.

- JUST GO BACK
TO YOUR CLAY.
- I'D LIKE TO,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SCULPT.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
THAT'S A GREAT LIKENESS!

THAT?

- IT'S JUST A BLOB.
- DON'T FOOL ME.

I'D RECOGNIZE YOUR
MOTHER ANYPLACE.

COME ON, STANLEY,
FORGET YOUR SHAMPOOING

AND COME AND POSE FOR ME, HUH?

ARE YOU CRAZY? THIS
MACHINE IS RENTED.

- JUST TALKING
TO YOU HAS COST ME 25¢!
- YOU'RE SO ROMANTIC!

LISTEN, I FIGURE IF YOU GOT
SOMETHING, YOU OUGHT TO USE IT.

RIGHT!

HELEN, I GOT TO GO UPSTAIRS.

OH COME ON, STANLEY!

SIT FOR ME. COME
ON, IT'LL BE FUN.

HELEN, I PROMISED THE
KIDS I'D SHAMPOO THEIR RUG.

THEY'VE BEEN WAITING
SIX MONTHS FOR ME.

I KNOW HOW THEY FEEL.

CHRISSY, THIS NEW WIRE
WHIP SURE MAKES BAKING EASY.

WILL YOU TASTE SOMETHING FOR ME?

IT'S A NEW CAKE BATTER.

YEAH, JACK.

- WELL?
- IT'S GREAT, JACK.

- YOU REALLY LIKE IT?
- I LOVE IT, JACK.

OH I'M GLAD, BECAUSE IT'S MADE OUT
OF DOG HAIR, ONIONS AND A SOCCER BALL.

- IT SMELLS GOOD.
- CHRISSY, WHAT'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?

OH I'M SORRY. IT'S
JUST THIS DIARY...

WANDA X IS AN UNHAPPY WOMAN.

YOU'RE KIDDING? WANDA X
IS CERTAINLY NOT UNHAPPY.

A LITTLE TIRED MAYBE,
BUT NOT UNHAPPY.

YOU MEN JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND. LISTEN TO THIS.

"I REALIZE NOW THERE'S
ONLY ONE MAN I TRULY LOVE.

HE'S THE OLDER, DIGNIFIED MAN

WHO LIVES IN THE
APARTMENT BENEATH ME.

BUT HE'S MARRIED, SO MY LOVE
FOR HIM REMAINS UNFULFILLED..."

OH CHRISSY, WE'VE GOT TO
HELP THIS POOR CHILD SOMEHOW.

"WILL I EVER KNOW
THE TOUCH OF HIS LIPS

OR THE FEEL OF HIS
SENSUAL FINGERS

FINDING THEIR WAY
OVER THE YEARNING...

YEARNING... YEARNING ME?"

I BETTER GET THIS AWAY FROM HERE.
MY BATTER'S STARTING TO BUBBLE.

"IF ONLY...

IF ONLY HE COULD NOTICE ME,

JUST GIVE ME SOME SIGN TO
SHOW HE KNOWS I'M ALIVE...

A DAZZLING SMILE,
A KNOWING WINK...

A MEANINGFUL BRUSH
AGAINST MY SHOULDER.

AH, THAT WOULD SATISFY ME."

(laughs) OH NO, THAT
WILL NEVER SATISFY HER!

- (doorbell rings)
- IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
ASK JULIAN!

OH JACK!

OR NIGEL, OR WOLFGANG.
THEY'RE ALL IN THERE!

HI, JACK.

HAVING THE GIRLS OVER
FOR A TUPPERWARE PARTY?

NO, MR. ROPER, I'M JUST
BREAKING IN MY NEW WHIP.

HEY, NONE OF THAT
STUFF AROUND HERE.

HI, MR. ROPER.

HI, CHRISSY. I CAME UP
TO SHAMPOO YOUR CARPET.

WHY, HAS IT GOT
DANDRUFF? (snorts and laughs)

- I'LL GO GET MY EQUIPMENT.
- HEY, MR. ROPER?

WOULD YOU MIND DOING
IT SOME OTHER TIME?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT ALL THIS
TYPING AND EVERYTHING TO DO.

THE METER'S RUNNING
ON MY SHAMPOOER.

YOU KIDS BETTER STAY OUT
OF THE LIVING ROOM FOR AWHILE.

I GUESS I'LL EXPERIMENT
WITH ANOTHER BATTER.

- I GUESS I'LL GO
TAKE MY SHOWER NOW.
- THAT SOUNDS LIKE MORE FUN.

I'LL JOIN YOU.

- I GOT THINGS TO DO.
- YEAH, SO DO I.

I'LL BE IN HERE.

- OH...
- HEY, DID I LEAVE
A DISHTOWEL?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

- EXCUSE ME.
- HMM?

- WOULDN'T THAT WORK BETTER
IF IT WAS PLUGGED IN?
- OH.

OH, OH, OH... THIS
IS JUST A TEST RUN.

I HAVE TO CHECK THE RUG FIRST

BECAUSE ALL CARPETING'S
DIFFERENT, YOU KNOW?

"MY DIARY."

CHRISSY?

"THE ONE MAN I TRULY LOVE..."

"OLDER MAN WHO LIVES IN
THE APARTMENT BENEATH ME."

"SENSUAL FINGERS"?

OH MY GOD!

HELEN?

HELEN!

- HI, MR. ROPER.
- HI, JANET.

- JANET!
- YEAH?

- WOULD COME
IN HERE FOR A MINUTE?
- OKAY, JUST A MINUTE.

- HI.
- HI.

- WHAT'S UP?
- UP? NOTHING'S UP.

I JUST WANTED TO
ASK YOU SOMETHING.

OKAY.

- DO YOU NEED
ANYTHING UPSTAIRS?
- NO, NOTHING.

- YOU HAVE ENOUGH
HOT WATER?
- PLENTY.

DOES CHRISSY GO FOR OLDER GUYS?

- WHAT?
- I'M SORRY.

I WORRY ABOUT YOU GIRLS
LIVING ALL ALONE IN THIS BIG CITY.

MR. ROPER, THAT'S
NICE OF YOU, BUT I GOT...

ESPECIALLY CHRISSY,

- BECAUSE SHE'S GOT A LOT
OF GUYS AFTER HER.
- SURE, YEAH.

SO... WHAT KIND OF
GUYS DOES SHE LIKE?

CHRISSY?

SHE LIKES GUYS WHO ARE
PRETTY SHARP DRESSERS.

YEAH?

SHE LIKES A MAN
WHO IS INTELLIGENT,

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
VERY GOOD-LOOKING.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF.

YOU KNOW, MR. ROPER, I WILL TELL
YOU ONE THING ABOUT CHRISSY...

IF SHE EVER FELL FOR SOMEBODY,
HE'D BE THE ONLY THING IN HER LIFE.

- SHE'D REALLY
HANG ON TO HIM.
- OH BOY.

- OH YEAH, SHE WOULD
NEVER LET HIM GO.
- OH BOY.

NOW ME, I THINK GETTING
TIED DOWN RIGHT NOW...

THAT'S INTERESTING, WE'LL
HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT SOMETIME.

- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO NOW.
- YES, NICE TALKING TO YOU.

YOU AND I SHOULD CHAT MORE
OFTEN. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

OH BOY.

OH STANLEY, I
THOUGHT I HEARD YOU!

HEY, DID YOU COME
BACK TO POSE FOR ME?

NOT NOW, HELEN, I'VE GOT
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF.

- WHAT ARE WRITING?
- AN EVICTION NOTICE.

AN EVICTION NOTICE?
WELL, FOR WHOM?

I'M THROWING OUT
THE KIDS UPSTAIRS.

THOSE NICE KIDS? WHY?

WHY? TO SAVE OUR
MARRIAGE, THAT'S WHY!

WHAT?

YOU MAY AS WELL
KNOW THE TRUTH, HELEN.

CHRISSY'S IN LOVE WITH ME.

HEY, STANLEY, WOULD
YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?

IT... IT... (laughs)

IT SOUNDED LIKE
"CHRISSY'S IN LOVE WITH ME."

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

(laughing)

WHY DO YOU THINK SHE CALLED
ME THREE TIMES LAST WEEK

TO FIX HER LEAKY FAUCET?
SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT ME.

THIS IS SERIOUS, HELEN!

AND SHE'S NOT JUST INTERESTED
IN ME FOR MY PLUMBING.

OH STANLEY.

AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT...

WALKING AROUND IN MY
T-SHIRT AND BERMUDA SHORTS...

I MEAN, HOW MUCH
CAN A GIRL TAKE?

COME ON, STANLEY, YOU DON'T
REALLY BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU?

SURE. HEY, IT
HAPPENED ONCE BEFORE.

REMEMBER THAT WOMAN IN
206? SHE WAS NUTS ABOUT ME.

YOU MEAN, THAT OLD LADY

THAT THEY PUT IN A HOME SO
SHE WOULDN'T HURT HERSELF?

I KNOW THIS IS TRUE ABOUT
CHRISSY 'CAUSE I READ IT IN HER DIARY.

OH STANLEY,

YOU SHOULDN'T READ
OTHER PEOPLE'S DIARIES.

THEY'RE PRIVATE.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW
IT'S PRIVATE UNLESS I READ IT?

WHAT?

ANYWAY, SHE SAID THAT MY SENSUAL
FINGERS DRIVE HER MAD WITH DESIRE.

(laughing) YOUR SENSUAL FINGERS?

OH COME ON, YOU
GOT TO BE KIDDING.

I'M NOT KIDDING! SHE'S
YEARNING FOR ME.

"YEARNING, YEARNING, YEARNING."

YOU'RE CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!

- COME ON UPSTAIRS. I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
- HOW?

I'LL GIVE HER THE THREE
THINGS SHE'S BEEN WAITING FOR...

THE DAZZLING SMILE,
THE KNOWING WINK,

AND A MEANINGFUL BRUSH
AGAINST HER SHOULDER.

AFTER THAT, I'M NOT
RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS.

THIS IS JUST TRASH.

I MEAN, THIS IS
ABSOLUTE GARBAGE.

YEAH, ISN'T IT GREAT?

YOU WOULD THINK THAT.

COME ON, JANET, I HAVEN'T
EXACTLY SEEN YOU PUT IT DOWN.

- I'M JUST CURIOUS. I AM!
- MM-HMM?

I AM, JACK. I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT I'M READING HERE.

- OH SURE.
- I DON'T. JACK, I DON'T!

HEY, CHRISSY, YOU'VE
GOT A PAGE MISSING HERE.

- YEAH?
- YEAH, HONEY.

SEE, DOWN THE BOTTOM OF THIS PAGE,
THEY'RE GETTING VERY PASSIONATE,

AND THEN AT THE TOP OF THIS ONE,
THEY'RE ALREADY SMOKING A CIGARETTE.

- YOU'VE GOT THE PAGES
OUT OF ORDER.
- OH, YES.

- (grunts)
- WHEN DID THIS WOMAN
HAVE TIME TO WRITE?

I DON'T KNOW.

SO FAR, SHE'S BUSY EVERY DAY.

- COME ON, JANET,
LET'S GO MAKE LUNCH.
- LET'S STAY IN HERE.

IT'LL GIVE CHRISSY A CHANCE TO
GET A FEW PAGES AHEAD OF US AGAIN.

OH GOOD IDEA, I'M REALLY...
WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS...

(doorbell rings)

I'LL GET IT!

(muffled laughter)

HI.

- HI, CHRISSY.
- CAN WE COME IN,
CHRISSY?

- OF COURSE YOU CAN.
- THANK YOU.

IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU?

(continued laughter)
STANLEY'S FINGERS...

HELEN, SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

- CHRISSY...
- YES, MR. ROPER.

HI.

HI.

NO, NO, NO. I MEAN...

HI.

IT'S NOT A SECRET
ANYMORE, CHRISSY.

OH GOOD.

- WHAT ISN'T?
- YOU KNOW...

IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOUR EYE?

COME ON, DON'T TRY TO
PRETEND. I UNDERSTAND.

YOU UNDERSTAND? I UNDERSTAND.

GOOD.

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING
IN THE KITCHEN BURNING.

I'LL CHECK.

YOU'RE MAKING A FOOL
OF YOURSELF, STANLEY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY IS
SHE PLAYING SO HARD TO GET?

LOOK WHAT SHE'S GETTING.

JUST CALM DOWN.
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.

- THE ROPERS CAME
IN AND THEN WHAT?
- HE MADE A PASS AT ME!

- ROPER?
- YES!

- YOU'VE GOT TO BE
IMAGINING THINGS.
- I AM NOT.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I
CAME IN AND DID THIS TO YOU...

HI... AND THEN I DID THIS...

AND THEN I DID THIS?

I'D THINK WE WERE ENGAGED.
COME HERE. JANET, WILL YOU LEAVE...

COME ON, PLEASE, GO
SEE IF HE'S STILL IN THERE.

- WHY DO I...
- PLEASE, PLEASE...

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, I'LL GO CHECK.

THERE IT IS IN THE DIARY,
EVERY WORD SPELLED OUT.

I SEE, I SEE.

SO I'M CRAZY, HUH? WHAT HAVE
YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW?

THIS IS DEAR, SWEET
LITTLE CHRISSY?

IT'S THE DIARY. THAT'S
IT! HE'S FOUND THE DIARY!

OH NO. AND HE SAW
CHRISSY TYPING.

OH GOSH, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

- WHAT DOES?
- DON'T YOU SEE?

JUST... JUST PUT TWO
AND TWO TOGETHER.

- FOUR!
- NO.

- IS IT NOT FOUR?
- NO...

- YOU TRY.
- SURE.

CHRISSY, CONCENTRATE.

ROPER THINKS IT'S YOUR DIARY,

AND HE THINKS HE'S THE
DIGNIFIED MAN DOWNSTAIRS.

- OH NO!
- YES, YES...

YOU'D BETTER GO IN THERE
AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH.

- ME? WHY ME?
- 'CAUSE!

- YOU'RE THE MAN.
- YEAH.

- YOU'RE WANDA X.
- I AM NOT!

- HE THINKS YOU ARE!
- WELL...

- JANET, GO DO IT.
- WHY?

- I'M NOT EVEN
IN THAT DIARY.
- NEITHER AM I!

HOW DO WE KNOW THAT?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO GO IN
TOGETHER. WE AGREE ON THAT?

WE AGREE ON THAT.
THAT SOUNDS FAIR.

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO FIRST?

OKAY, CHRISSY,

I THINK WE'D BETTER
TALK ABOUT THIS DIARY.

- Chrissy: SO DO I.
- WILL YOU...

- ALL RIGHT, CHRISSY...
- IT'S NOT MINE.

- IT'S NOT YOURS.
- NO.

JANET. JANET, I
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

NO, MR. ROPER, IT'S
NOT MY DIARY EITHER.

- IT'S NOT YOURS?
- NO.

THEN WHOSE IS IT?

OH NO!

NO, NO, NO, NO...
DON'T WORRY, MR. R,

IT'LL BE OUR OWN LITTLE SECRET.

MR. ROPER, IT'S NOT HIS DIARY.

IT'S A MANUSCRIPT I'M TYPING
TO MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA MONEY.

YEAH, MR. ROPER, JUST LOOK
INSIDE THE FRONT COVER.

- AND YOU'LL SEE
THE AUTHOR'S NAME.
- "WANDA X"?

UH-HUH. CHRISSY
HASN'T EVEN MET HER.

OH STANLEY, YOU ARE ROMANTIC!

- I AM.
- YEAH.

YOU WERE GOING TO THROW THE
KIDS RIGHT OUT OF THEIR APARTMENT

- JUST TO SAVE
OUR MARRIAGE!
- YOU WERE?!

- I WAS, WASN'T I?
- WASN'T THAT
NICE OF HIM?

I CAN BE AS ROMANTIC
AS THE NEXT GUY.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A
GREAT TIME TONIGHT, HELEN.

- FIRST, WE'LL GO OUT AND EAT, AND THEN...
- OH STANLEY!

COULDN'T WE DO
THE "AND THEN" FIRST?

OKAY, IF YOU WANT TO GO
BOWLING ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

- $45, $50...
- CHRISSY!

$55, $56, $57, $58...

WHERE IS WANDA? WHERE IS WANDA?!

OH I KNEW IT! SHE'S ALREADY
PICKED UP HER DIARY.

I'M TOO LATE. WHY DID I
HAVE TO MISS THE BUS TODAY?

- NO, YOU'RE NOT TOO LATE...
- I'M NOT?

YOU ALREADY GOT
THE MONEY. I DON'T...

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU
MEAN, SHE'S STILL HERE?

- YEAH. - WANDA'S HERE? WHERE?

- WHERE IS WANDA?
- JACK!

- IN WASHING UP, BUT LISTEN...
- GREAT, GREAT.

DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT ME?
THAT I WAS TALL, GOOD LOOKING,

GOT MY OWN BEDROOM?

WHY DON'T YOU GO
TELL WANDA YOURSELF?

CHRISSY, I'M ASHAMED! I
CAN'T GO INTO THE BATHROOM.

JUST GO TELL HER. I'LL JUST
BE RIGHT HERE, WAITING.

- WHO ARE YOU?
- JACK, THIS IS
WANDA X.

- THIS IS OUR FRIEND,
JACK TRIPPER.
- HI!

DON'T TOUCH!

- YOU'RE WANDA X?
- WANDA'S MY PEN NAME.

MY REAL NAME IS
CLARENCE SPRINGFIELD.

CLARENCE, JACK WANTED ME
TO TELL YOU THAT HE'S TALL,

GOOD LOOKING, AND
HAS HIS OWN BEDROOM.

- REALLY?
- EXCUSE ME.

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.