Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 21 - Jack Moves Out - full transcript
Larry offers a job for Jack to be a live-in cook for his boss and his wife, the Laytons. While Jack is not too thrilled about the idea at first, he later seriously considers it when he gets into an argument with Janet and Chrissy. He, therefore, moves out and gets dinner for the night for the Laytons. However, Jack got more than he bargained for when Mrs. Layton makes passes at him, and Janet and Chrissy are stuck in the apartment trying to learn how to cook and learn how to protect themselves.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
(both laughing)
- DO YOU BELIEVE THAT, HUH?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
NO, NO, NO. AND THEN
THERE'S RAY KRAUSS.
HE'S GOT TO BE THE CRAZIEST
SALESMAN ON THE LOT.
TODAY HE ASKED A CUSTOMER
WHETHER SHE WANTED
THE HIGH-PRICED SMOG
DEVICE OR THE LOW-PRICED.
AND THE CUSTOMER SAYS,
"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"
AND RAY SAYS, "WITH THE
HIGH-PRICE, WE THROW IN THE MOTOR."
(both laughing)
- OH THAT'S FUNNY!
- YEAH, I KNOW.
WHEN I START LAUGHING
I BECOME HELPLESS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OVER TO MY
PLACE AND PUT ON A STEVE MARTIN RECORD?
- YOU NEVER STOP, DO YOU?
- YEAH.
YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? WAIT
TILL YOU HEAR THIS GUY.
LARRY, THIS HAS BEEN THE
WORST DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
HE'S GOT A MILLION OF THEM.
FRANCES, THIS IS MY FRIEND JACK.
- HI, JACK.
- IT STARTED THIS MORNING
WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO
FLUNK OUT OF COOKING SCHOOL.
- (both snicker)
- WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?
- NOTHING.
- Larry: WHAT HAPPENED?
THE TEACHER GOT SICK
AFTER HE ATE MY FINAL EXAM.
- COME ON, FORGET IT.
- AND THEN, SOMEBODY
RIPPED OFF MY LOCKER.
THOSE COPPER MEASURING
CUPS WERE STOLEN.
AND LISA... DO YOU
REMEMBER LISA?
- LISA?
- LISA.
OH THAT LISA.
EXCUSE ME. YEAH, SHE BROKE
OFF OUR DATE FOR TONIGHT.
COME ON, IT'S NOT
THE END OF THE WORLD.
I TELL YOU, LARRY, THINGS HAVE
NOT BEEN GOING TERRIFICALLY.
IN FACT, THEY'VE
BEEN PRETTY LOUSY.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
COME ON, CUT IT OUT!
YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL SAD NOW.
NO SENSE IN HAVING
TWO GLOOMY PEOPLE.
MAKE THAT THREE. LARRY,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL?
- LATER.
- SURE.
I'LL SEE YOU, HONEY. GOOD
BYE TO YOU TOO, SUNSHINE.
WHAT GOT INTO HER? A MINUTE AGO,
SHE WAS LAUGHING
AND ENJOYING HERSELF.
WAS IT THAT LONG AGO?
ISN'T THAT YOUR BOSS'S WIFE?
- OH HI, LARRY.
- HI, MRS. LAYTON.
YOU REMEMBER JACK,
HE COOKED FOR MY PARTY.
OF COURSE. JACK, THE
LAST TIME I SAW YOU,
YOU REALLY HAD YOUR HANDS FULL.
SEE, SHE REMEMBERS LISA.
MY HUSBAND AND I WERE HOPING
YOU'D RECONSIDER OUR OFFER.
- OFFER?
- HOW 'BOUT IT?
- I'M AFRAID THE ANSWER'S
STILL NO, MRS. LAYTON.
- NO?
WHAT A PITY. IT'S MY
HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY.
REALLY? IT'S YOUR
HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY TODAY?
IT WOULD BE SUCH A LOVELY
SURPRISE IF YOU COULD START TONIGHT.
- I'M AFRAID NOT, SORRY.
- START TONIGHT?
THE OFFER STILL STANDS AND IF
YOU SHOULD EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND,
YOU KNOW HOW TO GET IN
TOUCH WITH US. BYE, JACK.
- BYE, LARRY.
- BYE, MRS. LAYTON.
SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO YOUR HUSBAND.
OH THE PRESENT WITH
NO NAME ON IT IS FROM ME.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
WELL, YOUR BOSS WANTS ME
TO MOVE IN AND COOK FOR THEM.
- WHAT FOR?
- FREE ROOM AND BOARD.
- NO KIDDING.
- YEAH, I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO COOK EVERY NIGHT
'CAUSE THEY EAT OUT A LOT.
THEY'VE GOT THIS BIG HOUSE, LARRY.
I COULD HAVE MY OWN ROOM WITH A
SEPARATE ENTRANCE, COMPLETE PRIVACY.
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT
DEAL. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT?
WELL, BECAUSE I LIKE
WHERE I LIVE NOW.
- IT'S BEAUTIFULLY FURNISHED...
- DON'T KID ME.
YOU'RE JUST THINKING
OF JANET AND CHRISSY.
- AS I SAID, IT'S
BEAUTIFULLY FURNISHED.
- (both laugh)
YEAH, IT'S QUITE A
SET UP YOU GOT THERE.
LARRY, COME ON NOW. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL,
FRIENDLY, CONVENIENT LIVING ARRANGEMENT.
- SO IS A HAREM.
- THERE'S NO SENSE
IN TALKING TO YOU.
- COME ON, JACK. I'M ONL...
- HEY, HEY!
OH THAT'S GREAT. YOU SPILLED
WINE ALL OVER MY COOKBOOKS.
DOESN'T RED WINE
GO WITH EVERYTHING?
THANKS, LARRY. THIS
REALLY MAKES MY DAY.
(doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.
- Janet: WHAT?
- I'LL GET IT.
- WHAT?
- I SAID...
- (doorbell ringing)
CHRISSY, WHY DON'T
YOU GET THE DOOR FIRST?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
DON'T YOU ASK WHO IT IS
BEFORE YOU OPEN THE DOOR?
OKAY, WHO ARE YOU?
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
I COULD BE AN INTRUDER.
- MAYBE DANGEROUS.
- CHRISSY, WHO IS IT?
ANOTHER ONE.
DON'T YOU GIRLS KNOW THAT
YOU COULD BE IN BIG TROUBLE?
NOW, CLOSE THE DOOR.
WE'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
NO, WE'RE NOT CLOSING THE DOOR
UNTIL YOU TELL US WHO YOU ARE.
I'M ALVIN MORELL.
OKAY.
- (doorbell rings)
- WHO IS IT?
I'M A SALESMAN.
YOU DID IT AGAIN.
BUT YOU SAID YOU
WERE A SALESMAN.
WOULD A DANGEROUS INTRUDER TELL
YOU HE WAS A DANGEROUS INTRUDER?
HE WOULD IF HE WERE HONEST.
- MAY I COME IN?
- SURE, COME ON IN.
- ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
- Janet: OKAY.
I'M ALVIN MORELL FROM USA.
- USE A WHAT?
- THAT'S A COMPANY.
U.S.A., THE ULTIMATE
SECURITY ASSOCIATION.
I'D LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE SOME
OF OUR BURGLAR ALARM SYSTEMS.
OH WELL, WE DIDN'T ASK YOUR
COMPANY TO SEND OVER A SALESMAN.
YOU KNOW, THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT
OF ROBBERIES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- BREAK-INS.
- YEAH.
- PICTURE THIS, - OKAY,
IT'S VERY LATE
AT NIGHT, YOU SEE.
THE TWO OF YOU HAVE
JUST GONE TO BED.
SUDDENLY, YOU HEAR...
- I'LL GET IT.
- CHRISSY?
THERE ISN'T ANYBODY AT THE DOOR.
THERE IS TOO.
- WHAT HAPPENED IS...
- AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
OH NO, JACK, HERE.
THIS IS MR. MORELL,
HE SELLS BURGLAR ALARMS.
OH VERY NICE. THANK
YOU FOR DROPPING BY.
JACK, WAIT A MINUTE.
COME HERE, LISTEN.
A LOT OF PEOPLE
COME HOME AT NIGHT
- AND FIND THEIR HOMES
BROKEN INTO.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, MAYBE THEY HAVE
SOMETHING WORTH TAKING.
- YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?
- I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS
WORTH TAKING.
YEAH, BUT WHENEVER YOU
LEAVE, THEY GO WITH YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. MORELL.
WE CAN'T AFFORD
ANY BURGLAR ALARMS.
- CAN YOU AFFORD $5?
- FOR WHAT?
I HAVE A SIGN HERE...
BEWARE OF VICIOUS DOG.
OH THAT'S GREAT. WE COULD PUT
IT RIGHT UNDER THE SIGN THAT SAYS
NO PETS ALLOWED. WE'LL CALL
YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- PERHAPS I COULD...
- THANK YOU.
WE HAVE YOUR CARD. WE'LL READ IT
SEVERAL TIMES OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS.
BOY... YOU'RE IN
A TERRIFIC MOOD.
- (Janet screams)
- WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, THE WAY YOU SNAPPED
AT THAT MR. MORELL THERE.
I DIDN'T SNAP AT ANYBODY, JANET.
OH WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU CLEARED THAT UP.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SARCASTIC.
EXCUSE ME, JACK. I'M SORR...
I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU.
I MEAN...
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE CONDESCENDING EITHER.
LET'S JUST CHANGE
THE SUBJECT, OKAY?
- GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH.
DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY, JACK?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHRISSY?
SOMETIMES YOU SAY THINGS
THAT DRIVE ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
WAIT A MINUTE. JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD
IS NO REASON TO
BE RUDE TO CHRISSY.
WAIT A MINUTE. I
WAS BEING HONEST.
I WASN'T BEING RUDE TO CHRISSY.
JACK, I JUST HEARD
YOU BE RUDE TO HER.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
- CHRISSY, STAY OUT OF THIS.
WAIT A SECOND. CHRISSY HAS THE
FREEDOM TO SPEAK IN HER OWN APARTMENT.
IF YOU DON'T MIND. GO AHEAD,
CHRISSY. SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
I THINK THE REASON YOU'VE
BEEN MEAN AND ROTTEN...
STAY OUT OF THIS, CHRISSY.
JACK, LOOK, DON'T
TALK TO HER THAT WAY.
CAN'T YOU BE A LITTLE
MORE CONSIDERATE?
AND WHO DO I LEARN THAT
FROM? YOU, MS. CONSIDERATION?
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- JACK!
WHEN HAVE I NOT
BEEN CONSIDERATE?
(laughs sarcastically)
LOTS OF TIMES.
- NAME ONE.
- OH OKAY,
I'M GONNA NAME ONE.
YOUR PANTY HOSE.
THAT'S TWO. (laughs)
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PANTY HOSE?
QUITE FRANKLY. I DON'T
LIKE THE WAY THEY HANG.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- I MEAN ON THE SHOWER ROD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
WITH SOMEONE'S DRIPPY-DROOPY
NYLONS WAVING BEHIND YOU?
IT COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE, JACK,
THEN GOING TO THE
BATHROOM WITH THE SEAT UP.
(snickers)
- WELL, EXCUSE-MOI!
- OH!
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT ME TO
APOLOGIZE NOW FOR BEING A MAN.
- JACK!
- NO, JUST FOR BEING
ABSENTMINDED.
- (snickers loudly)
- (mimics)
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY, CHRISSY!
- COME ON, DON'T YELL AT HER.
(yells) I WASN'T
YELLING AT ANYBODY!
- LOOK AT YOU! YOU DON'T
CALL THIS YELLING?
- HOLD IT!
- YOUR VOICE...
- WANT TO SEE SOME...
(screams) HOLD IT!
- YOU'RE ACTING LIKE
CHILDREN. CUT IT OUT.
- WH-
- (groans)
- I'LL GO START DINNER.
JACK, LOOK, JUST
FORGET ABOUT DINNER.
WAIT A SECOND. JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE MAD AT ME,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
IT OUT ON MY COOKING.
- I'M NOT MADE AT YOU.
- SO YOU JUST DON'T
LIKE MY COOKING.
- Janet: NO, I JUST MEANT...
- A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M A GREAT COOK.
I COULD BE COOKING FOR
SOME PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
- ALL RIGHT, GO MAKE DINNER.
- DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
(yells) ALL RIGHT,
DON'T MAKE DINNER!
OH IT IS MY COOKING, HUH?
THE NEXT THING YOU'LL BE TELLING ME IS
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO COOK FOR A DOG.
OH DON'T BE SILLY, JACK. OF COURSE,
YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH TO COOK FOR A DOG.
THIS IS SUPER. NOW YOU'VE
GOT EINSTEIN HERE ON YOUR SIDE.
- JACK, COME ON, HONESTLY...
- FORGET IT! FORGET IT!
I DON'T HAVE TO HANG
AROUND HERE AND BE INSULTED.
YOU'RE BEING CRAZY. YOU'RE
MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
I'M SO HAPPY. SHE THINKS I'M
INCONSIDERATE. YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.
- YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT I THINK?
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
- YOU'RE NOT THINKING.
- THAT'S FINE. I WON'T
TELL YOU.
- SIT DOWN. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS.
- I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!
- YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF
ANOTHER ROOMMATE.
- Janet: JACK!
I'LL SEND FOR MY THINGS, BYE.
DOES THAT MEAN HE'S NOT
GOING TO COOK DINNER?
JANET, I'M BACK.
OH GOOD, CHRISSY, I WAS GETTING
REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- I WENT FOR A WALK TO THINK
THINGS OVER ABOUT JACK.
- WHERE'D YOU WALK TO?
- THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.
I GOT SO BUSY THINKING I
FORGOT TO KEEP WALKING.
WHAT?
THINKING'S NOT EASY, JANET.
IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT.
AFTER ALL THAT THINKING,
WHAT DID YOU GET?
I GOT HUNGRY.
YOU DID? GREAT! I
JUST MADE DINNER.
I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
CHRISSY, WE HAVE TO
GET USED TO THE IDEA
THAT JACK DOESN'T
LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
SINCE YOU AND I CAN'T
AFFORD TO GO OUT AND EAT,
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE
THE BEST OF IT, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
WHAT IS IT?
I WAS HOPING YOU'D KNOW.
(sighs) GEE, I DON'T
KNOW WHY I TRY.
I'M SURE GONNA MISS HIM.
OH COME ON, CHRISSY. JACK
WAS ALWAYS FOOLING AROUND.
HE WAS CONCEITED,
ARROGANT, AND GIRL-CRAZY.
YEAH, I'M SURE GONNA MISS HIM.
ME TOO.
REMEMBER WHEN HE USED
TO COME HOME AFTER SCHOOL
AND HE'D RUN IN THE
HOUSE SQUEEZE US, HUG US,
GIVE US A BIG KISS AND
NIBBLE ON OUR EARS?
NO.
ME NEITHER.
(chuckles) WELL, JACK WAS
KIND OF FUN TO HAVE AROUND.
- SOMETIMES.
- YEAH, I HAVEN'T LAUGHED
FOR DAYS SINCE HE LEFT.
HE'S ONLY BEEN
GONE FOR TWO HOURS.
SEE HOW TIME DRAGS WITHOUT HIM.
I WONDER WHERE HE IS.
HERE'S A LITTLE MORE
SAUCE FOR YOU, SIR.
HEY, QUITE A BIRTHDAY DINNER.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, MR. LAYTON.
ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS
IS SOME TERRIFIC CHICKEN!
- IT'S COQ AU VIN.
- YEAH? IT TASTES
LIKE CHICKEN.
I DIDN'T HAVE TOO
MUCH TIME TO PREPARE.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO SPICY.
IT CAN'T GET TOO SPICY FOR ME.
WELL, BON APPETIT!
OH YOU'RE SO FRENCH.
OH WELL, YOU KNOW.
OUI, OUI, OUI, OUI.
- MM.
- MM.
MMM!
(growls) MMMM!
MM.
- MMMMM...
- YOU LIKE IT, HUH?
SHE EATS GOOD, DON'T SHE?
ME, I'M A MEAT AND POTATOES MAN,
BUT MRS. LAYTON HERE,
SHE LIKES TO EXPERIMENT.
UH-HUH...
WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.
I NEVER SAW NOBODY EAT
LIKE THAT AND LOOK SO SLIM.
IT MAKES YOU WONDER
HOW SHE WORKS IT OFF.
I GUESS SOME PEOPLE
JUST BURN IT UP NATURALLY.
YEAH.
THIS IS A GREAT START, JACK.
JUST GREAT.
I ADMIRE SOMEONE
WHO CAN DO A GOOD JOB.
TAKE ME, FOR EXAMPLE.
I'M DOWN AT THE
LOT THE OTHER DAY,
AND THIS BOZO COMES
IN AND HE ASKS ME
IF I'VE GOT A LATE-MODEL
SEDAN, GOOD FUEL ECONOMY,
MINT CONDITION, FOR UNDER $500.
- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I SAID TO HIM?
- (laughs loudly)
- DID I SAY SOMETHING FUNNY?
- Jack: NO, SIR, IT WAS ME.
- (phone ringing)
- OH WOULDN'T YOU KNOW?
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHENEVER I'M
FEEDING MY FACE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
- NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
MORE POTATOES, MRS. LAYTON?
NO, THANK YOU.
HOT ROLL? NO, YOU
WOULDN'T WANT THAT.
- UH, MRS. LAYTON...
- JACK, ALICE.
OH MRS. ALICE, YOUR
MAN IS IN THE OTHER ROOM.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
NERVOUS ABOUT.
- OH THERE ISN'T?
OF COURSE NOT.
- DAMN!
- (shrieks)
OH YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UP.
I SUPPOSE EVERYTHING'S
GOTTEN COLD.
NOT EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T FINISH IT ANYWAY. I'VE
GOT TO GO DOWN TO THE LOT.
BE BACK IN AN HOUR OR SO.
- AN HOUR?
- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
NO, IT'S JUST BY THEN,
EVERYTHING MIGHT GET TOO HOT.
- HUH?
- NO, THAT'S
A LITTLE JOKE.
OH... HE SAID SOMETHING
FUNNY, HOW 'BOUT THAT, HONEY?
WE GOT OURSELVES
A FUNNY COOK HERE.
TELL HER A FEW JOKES, JACK.
UH... UH... MR... UH...
WELL, IT SEEMS THAT THERE
WERE THESE TWO IRISHMEN
WALKING DOWN THE... STREET.
ONE GUY HAD A
DEAD PARROT ON HIS...
YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD
THIS. IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.
- WELL...
- WELL.
WELL, LET'S GO IN WHERE
IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE.
OH! OH... WELL...
YOU KNOW, I'M RATHER
COMFORTABLE HERE.
WELL, WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
COME TO THIS SIDE OF THE TABLE?
NO, NO, NO, THIS SIDE'S MORE
COMFORTABLE, THANK YOU.
OH GEE... THAT'S SO CLUMSY
OF ME. I'LL CLEAN THAT UP.
JACK, ARE YOU GONNA
MAKE ME COME AFTER YOU?
(laughs nervously) NO,
NO... MRS. LAYTON!
NO, MRS. LAYTON, HANG ON.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO RUN AFTER YOU'VE EATEN.
WHAT IS A GOOD IDEA TO DO
RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE EATEN?
PERHAPS YOU COULD
TRY A COLD SHOWER.
NO, PLEASE! NO, WAIT, NO, NO...
MRS. LAYTON, I'M NOT THAT
KIND OF GUY. MRS. LAYTON!
- HEY, OLD BUDDY.
- OH LARRY, I'M GLAD
I FOUND YOU.
LARRY, YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE IN A
MILLION YEARS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
MY BOSS'S OLD LADY HIT ON YOU.
YOUR BOSS'S OLD
LADY... YOU KNEW?
SHE HITS ON EVERYONE.
WELL, THANKS A LOT, LARRY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
WHAT FOR? I FIGURED YOU'D FIND OUT
ANYWAY. COME ON, I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
I DON'T NEED A BEER. I
NEED A PLACE TO STAY.
GO BACK TO THE APARTMENT.
NO, I CAN'T GO BACK THERE.
NOT AFTER WHAT I DID.
I'M SUCH A JERK, SUCH AN
IDIOT, SUCH A STUPID FOOL.
JACK, DON'T LET THE
TRUTH STAND IN YOUR WAY.
GO BACK TO THE GIRLS.
I'M TELLING YOU I CAN'T GO BACK!
FORGET YOUR PRIDE.
IT'S NOT PRIDE. I FORGOT MY KEY.
SO KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
I DON'T WANT TO WAKE THEM UP IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO APOLOGIZE.
- I'LL WAIT TILL MORNING.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO NOW?
WELL, I THOUGHT I COULD
STAY AT YOUR PLACE.
OH NO, NO, NO. NOT
TONIGHT, JACK. NO, YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT? I THOUGHT
WE WERE FRIENDS.
YES, WE ARE, BUT YOU
CAN'T STAY WITH ME TONIGHT.
- WHY NOT? GIVE ME
ONE GOOD REASON.
- TH...
- I'M READY, LARRY.
- I'LL ACCEPT THAT.
(whispering) JANET.
- JANET!
- (gasps)
ARE YOU ASLEEP, JANET?
- NOT ANYMORE.
- OH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CHRISSY? WHAT IS IT?
I CAN'T SLEEP! I KEEP
TOSSING AND TURNING
AND TOSSING AND TURNING.
HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHY?
I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE
I CAN'T SLEEP.
OH...
YOU ANY IDEA WHY YOU
CAN'T SLEEP, CHRISSY?
I THINK IT WAS THAT
SALESMAN TODAY
ALL THAT TALK ABOUT
BURGLARS AND INTRUDERS.
THAT GUY WAS PLAYING ON OUR FEAR
SO THAT HE COULD MAKE A SALE, OKAY?
BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
HE GAVE ME A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW THAT WINDOW IN THE
LIVING ROOM THAT WON'T LOCK?
JANET, I'M TRYING
NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
OH IT'S OKAY. I BUILT
A BOOBY TRAP FOR IT.
- OH THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH.
- OH...
- SEE? NOW YOU CAN
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES,
- PUT YOUR HEAD ON YOUR PILLOW
AND GO TO SLEEP.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
- GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, HONEY. (yawns)
(whispers) CHRISSY.
- CHRISSY!
- WHAT?
- DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
- YES.
- WHAT WAS IT?
- I HEARD YOU SAY,
"CHRISSY."
JANET, I THINK YOUR
TRAP'S CAUGHT A BOOBY!
- (screams)
- JACK!
- HI, GIRLS.
- (knocking)
- Man: OPEN UP!
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT? CHRISSY, WHAT?
- WHO IS IT?
- THE POLICE.
HOW DO WE KNOW
YOU'RE NOT A SALESMAN?
OPEN THAT DOOR.
- ALL RIGHT, FREEZE!
- (Janet screams)
HA HA. I CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED.
- WAIT A SECOND, OFFICER.
- I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP HERE.
- YEAH, BUT I LIVE HERE.
- JUST HOLD IT, PUNK.
- DOES HE LIVE HERE?
- UH...
- WELL...
- I WANT THE TRUTH.
- NO...
- ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE
COMING WITH ME.
NO, WAIT, HE USED TO LIVE HERE.
AH HA! SO YOU KNEW THE
WHOLE LAYOUT IN ADVANCE.
- WELL, YES OFFICER, BUT...
- "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
- ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL..."
- OFFICER...
- JUST SHUT UP, PUNK!
- DON'T TALK TO HIM
LIKE THAT!
I WAS JUST MAKING HIM
AWARE OF HIS RIGHTS.
IS "SHUT UP, PUNK"
ONE OF HIS RIGHTS?
HEY, LISTEN!
I DON'T THINK YOU PEOPLE
KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.
OH BUT I DO, OFFICER.
YOU SEE, I DID SOMETHING REALLY
STUPID TO THESE GIRLS TODAY.
OH JACK, NOW COME ON.
DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
NO, I DID SOMETHING THAT I'LL BE
ASHAMED OF FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
- DON'T BLAME YOURSELF, JACK.
- I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD
MY HEAD UP AGAIN.
JACK, HONEY, IT'S NOT
THAT IMPORTANT, REALLY.
I REGRET EVERYTHING. I'LL TELL
YOU I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING.
OH IT'S OKAY.
AND JANET, I'LL NEVER ASK YOU TO
TAKE DOWN YOUR PANTY-HOSE AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
Both: AWW...
OH JACK, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.
WE'RE JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
- I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
- SO DID I. I COULDN'T
SLEEP WITHOUT YOU!
- OH CHRISSY.
- YEAH, JACK,
- NEITHER COULD I.
- AW, JANET...
HOLD THE PHONE, HOLD THE PHONE!
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU WERE
LIVING HERE WITH THESE GIRLS?
YEAH, OFFICER, AND THE
REASON I WAS BREAKING IN...
(whistles)
WHO CARES WHY YOU BROKE
IN. WHY DID YOU BREAK OUT?
YOU SEE, I MOVED
INTO A NEW PLACE
- AND THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
MADE A PASS AT ME.
- POOR BABY!
YOU REALLY HAVE YOUR
TROUBLES, DON'T YOU?
WAIT A SECOND, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I CAN EXPLAIN.
FORGET IT! FORGET IT!
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
YOU GIVE ME A BUNCH OF
SELF-RESPECTING CROOKS ANY DAY.
WITH CROOKS YOU
KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.
INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW LOUSY I FELT.
OH JACK, SO DID WE.
YOU REALLY GAVE US A SCARE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BREAK
IN THE WINDOW LIKE THAT...
SHE DOESN'T MEAN
ABOUT THE WINDOW.
SHE MEANS THAT WE
THOUGHT WE LOST YOU.
FOREVER...
YOU... OH CHRISSY,
HOW COULD YOU THINK...
- HOW COULD I...
- WELL...
CHRISSY, SOMETIMES YOU COME
UP WITH THE CRAZIEST IDEAS.
WELL, I JUST WANT US TO
STAY TOGETHER FOREVER.
AND SOMETIMES YOU MAKE
A LOT OF SENSE. COME HERE.
- OH...
- OH JACK...
WE REALLY MISSED YOU.
- HEY, CHRISSY?
- YEAH?
YOU THINK THAT JACK CAME BACK JUST
BECAUSE THAT WOMAN MADE A PASS AT HIM?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S GO FIND OUT.
- YEAH?
- COME ON.
JACK, COULD YOU
COME OUT FOR A MINUTE?
- WHAT'S UP?
- WAS THE ONLY REASON
YOU CAME BACK
BECAUSE THAT LADY
MADE A PASS AT YOU?
OH NO, CHRISSIE, IT WAS
MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.
IT WAS WORSE?
WHAT DID SHE DO? DID
SHE TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?
MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
OH JACK, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! WHAT
DID SHE DO THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE?
SHE HUNG HER PANTY
HOSE ON THE SHOWER ROD.
- (laughs maniacally)
- OH JACK!
JACK TRIPPER!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
(both laughing)
- DO YOU BELIEVE THAT, HUH?
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
NO, NO, NO. AND THEN
THERE'S RAY KRAUSS.
HE'S GOT TO BE THE CRAZIEST
SALESMAN ON THE LOT.
TODAY HE ASKED A CUSTOMER
WHETHER SHE WANTED
THE HIGH-PRICED SMOG
DEVICE OR THE LOW-PRICED.
AND THE CUSTOMER SAYS,
"WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"
AND RAY SAYS, "WITH THE
HIGH-PRICE, WE THROW IN THE MOTOR."
(both laughing)
- OH THAT'S FUNNY!
- YEAH, I KNOW.
WHEN I START LAUGHING
I BECOME HELPLESS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OVER TO MY
PLACE AND PUT ON A STEVE MARTIN RECORD?
- YOU NEVER STOP, DO YOU?
- YEAH.
YOU THINK I'M FUNNY? WAIT
TILL YOU HEAR THIS GUY.
LARRY, THIS HAS BEEN THE
WORST DAY OF MY WHOLE LIFE.
WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
HE'S GOT A MILLION OF THEM.
FRANCES, THIS IS MY FRIEND JACK.
- HI, JACK.
- IT STARTED THIS MORNING
WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO
FLUNK OUT OF COOKING SCHOOL.
- (both snicker)
- WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?
- NOTHING.
- Larry: WHAT HAPPENED?
THE TEACHER GOT SICK
AFTER HE ATE MY FINAL EXAM.
- COME ON, FORGET IT.
- AND THEN, SOMEBODY
RIPPED OFF MY LOCKER.
THOSE COPPER MEASURING
CUPS WERE STOLEN.
AND LISA... DO YOU
REMEMBER LISA?
- LISA?
- LISA.
OH THAT LISA.
EXCUSE ME. YEAH, SHE BROKE
OFF OUR DATE FOR TONIGHT.
COME ON, IT'S NOT
THE END OF THE WORLD.
I TELL YOU, LARRY, THINGS HAVE
NOT BEEN GOING TERRIFICALLY.
IN FACT, THEY'VE
BEEN PRETTY LOUSY.
HEY, HEY, HEY.
COME ON, CUT IT OUT!
YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL SAD NOW.
NO SENSE IN HAVING
TWO GLOOMY PEOPLE.
MAKE THAT THREE. LARRY,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL?
- LATER.
- SURE.
I'LL SEE YOU, HONEY. GOOD
BYE TO YOU TOO, SUNSHINE.
WHAT GOT INTO HER? A MINUTE AGO,
SHE WAS LAUGHING
AND ENJOYING HERSELF.
WAS IT THAT LONG AGO?
ISN'T THAT YOUR BOSS'S WIFE?
- OH HI, LARRY.
- HI, MRS. LAYTON.
YOU REMEMBER JACK,
HE COOKED FOR MY PARTY.
OF COURSE. JACK, THE
LAST TIME I SAW YOU,
YOU REALLY HAD YOUR HANDS FULL.
SEE, SHE REMEMBERS LISA.
MY HUSBAND AND I WERE HOPING
YOU'D RECONSIDER OUR OFFER.
- OFFER?
- HOW 'BOUT IT?
- I'M AFRAID THE ANSWER'S
STILL NO, MRS. LAYTON.
- NO?
WHAT A PITY. IT'S MY
HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY.
REALLY? IT'S YOUR
HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY TODAY?
IT WOULD BE SUCH A LOVELY
SURPRISE IF YOU COULD START TONIGHT.
- I'M AFRAID NOT, SORRY.
- START TONIGHT?
THE OFFER STILL STANDS AND IF
YOU SHOULD EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND,
YOU KNOW HOW TO GET IN
TOUCH WITH US. BYE, JACK.
- BYE, LARRY.
- BYE, MRS. LAYTON.
SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO YOUR HUSBAND.
OH THE PRESENT WITH
NO NAME ON IT IS FROM ME.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
WELL, YOUR BOSS WANTS ME
TO MOVE IN AND COOK FOR THEM.
- WHAT FOR?
- FREE ROOM AND BOARD.
- NO KIDDING.
- YEAH, I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO COOK EVERY NIGHT
'CAUSE THEY EAT OUT A LOT.
THEY'VE GOT THIS BIG HOUSE, LARRY.
I COULD HAVE MY OWN ROOM WITH A
SEPARATE ENTRANCE, COMPLETE PRIVACY.
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT
DEAL. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT?
WELL, BECAUSE I LIKE
WHERE I LIVE NOW.
- IT'S BEAUTIFULLY FURNISHED...
- DON'T KID ME.
YOU'RE JUST THINKING
OF JANET AND CHRISSY.
- AS I SAID, IT'S
BEAUTIFULLY FURNISHED.
- (both laugh)
YEAH, IT'S QUITE A
SET UP YOU GOT THERE.
LARRY, COME ON NOW. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL,
FRIENDLY, CONVENIENT LIVING ARRANGEMENT.
- SO IS A HAREM.
- THERE'S NO SENSE
IN TALKING TO YOU.
- COME ON, JACK. I'M ONL...
- HEY, HEY!
OH THAT'S GREAT. YOU SPILLED
WINE ALL OVER MY COOKBOOKS.
DOESN'T RED WINE
GO WITH EVERYTHING?
THANKS, LARRY. THIS
REALLY MAKES MY DAY.
(doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.
- Janet: WHAT?
- I'LL GET IT.
- WHAT?
- I SAID...
- (doorbell ringing)
CHRISSY, WHY DON'T
YOU GET THE DOOR FIRST?
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
DON'T YOU ASK WHO IT IS
BEFORE YOU OPEN THE DOOR?
OKAY, WHO ARE YOU?
WELL, IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
I COULD BE AN INTRUDER.
- MAYBE DANGEROUS.
- CHRISSY, WHO IS IT?
ANOTHER ONE.
DON'T YOU GIRLS KNOW THAT
YOU COULD BE IN BIG TROUBLE?
NOW, CLOSE THE DOOR.
WE'LL TRY IT AGAIN.
NO, WE'RE NOT CLOSING THE DOOR
UNTIL YOU TELL US WHO YOU ARE.
I'M ALVIN MORELL.
OKAY.
- (doorbell rings)
- WHO IS IT?
I'M A SALESMAN.
YOU DID IT AGAIN.
BUT YOU SAID YOU
WERE A SALESMAN.
WOULD A DANGEROUS INTRUDER TELL
YOU HE WAS A DANGEROUS INTRUDER?
HE WOULD IF HE WERE HONEST.
- MAY I COME IN?
- SURE, COME ON IN.
- ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
- Janet: OKAY.
I'M ALVIN MORELL FROM USA.
- USE A WHAT?
- THAT'S A COMPANY.
U.S.A., THE ULTIMATE
SECURITY ASSOCIATION.
I'D LIKE TO DEMONSTRATE SOME
OF OUR BURGLAR ALARM SYSTEMS.
OH WELL, WE DIDN'T ASK YOUR
COMPANY TO SEND OVER A SALESMAN.
YOU KNOW, THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT
OF ROBBERIES IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
- BREAK-INS.
- YEAH.
- PICTURE THIS, - OKAY,
IT'S VERY LATE
AT NIGHT, YOU SEE.
THE TWO OF YOU HAVE
JUST GONE TO BED.
SUDDENLY, YOU HEAR...
- I'LL GET IT.
- CHRISSY?
THERE ISN'T ANYBODY AT THE DOOR.
THERE IS TOO.
- WHAT HAPPENED IS...
- AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
OH NO, JACK, HERE.
THIS IS MR. MORELL,
HE SELLS BURGLAR ALARMS.
OH VERY NICE. THANK
YOU FOR DROPPING BY.
JACK, WAIT A MINUTE.
COME HERE, LISTEN.
A LOT OF PEOPLE
COME HOME AT NIGHT
- AND FIND THEIR HOMES
BROKEN INTO.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, MAYBE THEY HAVE
SOMETHING WORTH TAKING.
- YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?
- I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS
WORTH TAKING.
YEAH, BUT WHENEVER YOU
LEAVE, THEY GO WITH YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. MORELL.
WE CAN'T AFFORD
ANY BURGLAR ALARMS.
- CAN YOU AFFORD $5?
- FOR WHAT?
I HAVE A SIGN HERE...
BEWARE OF VICIOUS DOG.
OH THAT'S GREAT. WE COULD PUT
IT RIGHT UNDER THE SIGN THAT SAYS
NO PETS ALLOWED. WE'LL CALL
YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- PERHAPS I COULD...
- THANK YOU.
WE HAVE YOUR CARD. WE'LL READ IT
SEVERAL TIMES OVER THE NEXT FEW DAYS.
BOY... YOU'RE IN
A TERRIFIC MOOD.
- (Janet screams)
- WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
WELL, THE WAY YOU SNAPPED
AT THAT MR. MORELL THERE.
I DIDN'T SNAP AT ANYBODY, JANET.
OH WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU CLEARED THAT UP.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET SARCASTIC.
EXCUSE ME, JACK. I'M SORR...
I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND YOU.
I MEAN...
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BE CONDESCENDING EITHER.
LET'S JUST CHANGE
THE SUBJECT, OKAY?
- GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH.
DID YOU HAVE A NICE DAY, JACK?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHRISSY?
SOMETIMES YOU SAY THINGS
THAT DRIVE ME ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.
WAIT A MINUTE. JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE IN A BAD MOOD
IS NO REASON TO
BE RUDE TO CHRISSY.
WAIT A MINUTE. I
WAS BEING HONEST.
I WASN'T BEING RUDE TO CHRISSY.
JACK, I JUST HEARD
YOU BE RUDE TO HER.
- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
- CHRISSY, STAY OUT OF THIS.
WAIT A SECOND. CHRISSY HAS THE
FREEDOM TO SPEAK IN HER OWN APARTMENT.
IF YOU DON'T MIND. GO AHEAD,
CHRISSY. SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
I THINK THE REASON YOU'VE
BEEN MEAN AND ROTTEN...
STAY OUT OF THIS, CHRISSY.
JACK, LOOK, DON'T
TALK TO HER THAT WAY.
CAN'T YOU BE A LITTLE
MORE CONSIDERATE?
AND WHO DO I LEARN THAT
FROM? YOU, MS. CONSIDERATION?
WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- JACK!
WHEN HAVE I NOT
BEEN CONSIDERATE?
(laughs sarcastically)
LOTS OF TIMES.
- NAME ONE.
- OH OKAY,
I'M GONNA NAME ONE.
YOUR PANTY HOSE.
THAT'S TWO. (laughs)
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PANTY HOSE?
QUITE FRANKLY. I DON'T
LIKE THE WAY THEY HANG.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- I MEAN ON THE SHOWER ROD.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S
LIKE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
WITH SOMEONE'S DRIPPY-DROOPY
NYLONS WAVING BEHIND YOU?
IT COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE, JACK,
THEN GOING TO THE
BATHROOM WITH THE SEAT UP.
(snickers)
- WELL, EXCUSE-MOI!
- OH!
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT ME TO
APOLOGIZE NOW FOR BEING A MAN.
- JACK!
- NO, JUST FOR BEING
ABSENTMINDED.
- (snickers loudly)
- (mimics)
- THAT'S NOT FUNNY, CHRISSY!
- COME ON, DON'T YELL AT HER.
(yells) I WASN'T
YELLING AT ANYBODY!
- LOOK AT YOU! YOU DON'T
CALL THIS YELLING?
- HOLD IT!
- YOUR VOICE...
- WANT TO SEE SOME...
(screams) HOLD IT!
- YOU'RE ACTING LIKE
CHILDREN. CUT IT OUT.
- WH-
- (groans)
- I'LL GO START DINNER.
JACK, LOOK, JUST
FORGET ABOUT DINNER.
WAIT A SECOND. JUST
BECAUSE YOU'RE MAD AT ME,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE
IT OUT ON MY COOKING.
- I'M NOT MADE AT YOU.
- SO YOU JUST DON'T
LIKE MY COOKING.
- Janet: NO, I JUST MEANT...
- A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M A GREAT COOK.
I COULD BE COOKING FOR
SOME PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
- ALL RIGHT, GO MAKE DINNER.
- DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
(yells) ALL RIGHT,
DON'T MAKE DINNER!
OH IT IS MY COOKING, HUH?
THE NEXT THING YOU'LL BE TELLING ME IS
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO COOK FOR A DOG.
OH DON'T BE SILLY, JACK. OF COURSE,
YOU'RE GOOD ENOUGH TO COOK FOR A DOG.
THIS IS SUPER. NOW YOU'VE
GOT EINSTEIN HERE ON YOUR SIDE.
- JACK, COME ON, HONESTLY...
- FORGET IT! FORGET IT!
I DON'T HAVE TO HANG
AROUND HERE AND BE INSULTED.
YOU'RE BEING CRAZY. YOU'RE
MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING.
I'M SO HAPPY. SHE THINKS I'M
INCONSIDERATE. YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.
- YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT I THINK?
- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
- YOU'RE NOT THINKING.
- THAT'S FINE. I WON'T
TELL YOU.
- SIT DOWN. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS.
- I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!
- YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF
ANOTHER ROOMMATE.
- Janet: JACK!
I'LL SEND FOR MY THINGS, BYE.
DOES THAT MEAN HE'S NOT
GOING TO COOK DINNER?
JANET, I'M BACK.
OH GOOD, CHRISSY, I WAS GETTING
REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
- I WENT FOR A WALK TO THINK
THINGS OVER ABOUT JACK.
- WHERE'D YOU WALK TO?
- THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS.
I GOT SO BUSY THINKING I
FORGOT TO KEEP WALKING.
WHAT?
THINKING'S NOT EASY, JANET.
IT TAKES A LOT OF THOUGHT.
AFTER ALL THAT THINKING,
WHAT DID YOU GET?
I GOT HUNGRY.
YOU DID? GREAT! I
JUST MADE DINNER.
I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
CHRISSY, WE HAVE TO
GET USED TO THE IDEA
THAT JACK DOESN'T
LIVE HERE ANYMORE.
SINCE YOU AND I CAN'T
AFFORD TO GO OUT AND EAT,
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE
THE BEST OF IT, OKAY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
WHAT IS IT?
I WAS HOPING YOU'D KNOW.
(sighs) GEE, I DON'T
KNOW WHY I TRY.
I'M SURE GONNA MISS HIM.
OH COME ON, CHRISSY. JACK
WAS ALWAYS FOOLING AROUND.
HE WAS CONCEITED,
ARROGANT, AND GIRL-CRAZY.
YEAH, I'M SURE GONNA MISS HIM.
ME TOO.
REMEMBER WHEN HE USED
TO COME HOME AFTER SCHOOL
AND HE'D RUN IN THE
HOUSE SQUEEZE US, HUG US,
GIVE US A BIG KISS AND
NIBBLE ON OUR EARS?
NO.
ME NEITHER.
(chuckles) WELL, JACK WAS
KIND OF FUN TO HAVE AROUND.
- SOMETIMES.
- YEAH, I HAVEN'T LAUGHED
FOR DAYS SINCE HE LEFT.
HE'S ONLY BEEN
GONE FOR TWO HOURS.
SEE HOW TIME DRAGS WITHOUT HIM.
I WONDER WHERE HE IS.
HERE'S A LITTLE MORE
SAUCE FOR YOU, SIR.
HEY, QUITE A BIRTHDAY DINNER.
I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, MR. LAYTON.
ARE YOU KIDDING? THIS
IS SOME TERRIFIC CHICKEN!
- IT'S COQ AU VIN.
- YEAH? IT TASTES
LIKE CHICKEN.
I DIDN'T HAVE TOO
MUCH TIME TO PREPARE.
I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO SPICY.
IT CAN'T GET TOO SPICY FOR ME.
WELL, BON APPETIT!
OH YOU'RE SO FRENCH.
OH WELL, YOU KNOW.
OUI, OUI, OUI, OUI.
- MM.
- MM.
MMM!
(growls) MMMM!
MM.
- MMMMM...
- YOU LIKE IT, HUH?
SHE EATS GOOD, DON'T SHE?
ME, I'M A MEAT AND POTATOES MAN,
BUT MRS. LAYTON HERE,
SHE LIKES TO EXPERIMENT.
UH-HUH...
WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.
I NEVER SAW NOBODY EAT
LIKE THAT AND LOOK SO SLIM.
IT MAKES YOU WONDER
HOW SHE WORKS IT OFF.
I GUESS SOME PEOPLE
JUST BURN IT UP NATURALLY.
YEAH.
THIS IS A GREAT START, JACK.
JUST GREAT.
I ADMIRE SOMEONE
WHO CAN DO A GOOD JOB.
TAKE ME, FOR EXAMPLE.
I'M DOWN AT THE
LOT THE OTHER DAY,
AND THIS BOZO COMES
IN AND HE ASKS ME
IF I'VE GOT A LATE-MODEL
SEDAN, GOOD FUEL ECONOMY,
MINT CONDITION, FOR UNDER $500.
- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I SAID TO HIM?
- (laughs loudly)
- DID I SAY SOMETHING FUNNY?
- Jack: NO, SIR, IT WAS ME.
- (phone ringing)
- OH WOULDN'T YOU KNOW?
THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS WHENEVER I'M
FEEDING MY FACE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.
- NO, NO, THAT'S OKAY. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
MORE POTATOES, MRS. LAYTON?
NO, THANK YOU.
HOT ROLL? NO, YOU
WOULDN'T WANT THAT.
- UH, MRS. LAYTON...
- JACK, ALICE.
OH MRS. ALICE, YOUR
MAN IS IN THE OTHER ROOM.
- THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
NERVOUS ABOUT.
- OH THERE ISN'T?
OF COURSE NOT.
- DAMN!
- (shrieks)
OH YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UP.
I SUPPOSE EVERYTHING'S
GOTTEN COLD.
NOT EVERYTHING.
I CAN'T FINISH IT ANYWAY. I'VE
GOT TO GO DOWN TO THE LOT.
BE BACK IN AN HOUR OR SO.
- AN HOUR?
- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
NO, IT'S JUST BY THEN,
EVERYTHING MIGHT GET TOO HOT.
- HUH?
- NO, THAT'S
A LITTLE JOKE.
OH... HE SAID SOMETHING
FUNNY, HOW 'BOUT THAT, HONEY?
WE GOT OURSELVES
A FUNNY COOK HERE.
TELL HER A FEW JOKES, JACK.
UH... UH... MR... UH...
WELL, IT SEEMS THAT THERE
WERE THESE TWO IRISHMEN
WALKING DOWN THE... STREET.
ONE GUY HAD A
DEAD PARROT ON HIS...
YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD
THIS. IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.
- WELL...
- WELL.
WELL, LET'S GO IN WHERE
IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE.
OH! OH... WELL...
YOU KNOW, I'M RATHER
COMFORTABLE HERE.
WELL, WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
COME TO THIS SIDE OF THE TABLE?
NO, NO, NO, THIS SIDE'S MORE
COMFORTABLE, THANK YOU.
OH GEE... THAT'S SO CLUMSY
OF ME. I'LL CLEAN THAT UP.
JACK, ARE YOU GONNA
MAKE ME COME AFTER YOU?
(laughs nervously) NO,
NO... MRS. LAYTON!
NO, MRS. LAYTON, HANG ON.
I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA
TO RUN AFTER YOU'VE EATEN.
WHAT IS A GOOD IDEA TO DO
RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE EATEN?
PERHAPS YOU COULD
TRY A COLD SHOWER.
NO, PLEASE! NO, WAIT, NO, NO...
MRS. LAYTON, I'M NOT THAT
KIND OF GUY. MRS. LAYTON!
- HEY, OLD BUDDY.
- OH LARRY, I'M GLAD
I FOUND YOU.
LARRY, YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE IN A
MILLION YEARS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
MY BOSS'S OLD LADY HIT ON YOU.
YOUR BOSS'S OLD
LADY... YOU KNEW?
SHE HITS ON EVERYONE.
WELL, THANKS A LOT, LARRY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
WHAT FOR? I FIGURED YOU'D FIND OUT
ANYWAY. COME ON, I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
I DON'T NEED A BEER. I
NEED A PLACE TO STAY.
GO BACK TO THE APARTMENT.
NO, I CAN'T GO BACK THERE.
NOT AFTER WHAT I DID.
I'M SUCH A JERK, SUCH AN
IDIOT, SUCH A STUPID FOOL.
JACK, DON'T LET THE
TRUTH STAND IN YOUR WAY.
GO BACK TO THE GIRLS.
I'M TELLING YOU I CAN'T GO BACK!
FORGET YOUR PRIDE.
IT'S NOT PRIDE. I FORGOT MY KEY.
SO KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
I DON'T WANT TO WAKE THEM UP IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO APOLOGIZE.
- I'LL WAIT TILL MORNING.
- WELL, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO NOW?
WELL, I THOUGHT I COULD
STAY AT YOUR PLACE.
OH NO, NO, NO. NOT
TONIGHT, JACK. NO, YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT? I THOUGHT
WE WERE FRIENDS.
YES, WE ARE, BUT YOU
CAN'T STAY WITH ME TONIGHT.
- WHY NOT? GIVE ME
ONE GOOD REASON.
- TH...
- I'M READY, LARRY.
- I'LL ACCEPT THAT.
(whispering) JANET.
- JANET!
- (gasps)
ARE YOU ASLEEP, JANET?
- NOT ANYMORE.
- OH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CHRISSY? WHAT IS IT?
I CAN'T SLEEP! I KEEP
TOSSING AND TURNING
AND TOSSING AND TURNING.
HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHY?
I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE
I CAN'T SLEEP.
OH...
YOU ANY IDEA WHY YOU
CAN'T SLEEP, CHRISSY?
I THINK IT WAS THAT
SALESMAN TODAY
ALL THAT TALK ABOUT
BURGLARS AND INTRUDERS.
THAT GUY WAS PLAYING ON OUR FEAR
SO THAT HE COULD MAKE A SALE, OKAY?
BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
HE GAVE ME A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW THAT WINDOW IN THE
LIVING ROOM THAT WON'T LOCK?
JANET, I'M TRYING
NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
OH IT'S OKAY. I BUILT
A BOOBY TRAP FOR IT.
- OH THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
- YEAH.
- OH...
- SEE? NOW YOU CAN
JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES,
- PUT YOUR HEAD ON YOUR PILLOW
AND GO TO SLEEP.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
- GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, HONEY. (yawns)
(whispers) CHRISSY.
- CHRISSY!
- WHAT?
- DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
- YES.
- WHAT WAS IT?
- I HEARD YOU SAY,
"CHRISSY."
JANET, I THINK YOUR
TRAP'S CAUGHT A BOOBY!
- (screams)
- JACK!
- HI, GIRLS.
- (knocking)
- Man: OPEN UP!
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT? CHRISSY, WHAT?
- WHO IS IT?
- THE POLICE.
HOW DO WE KNOW
YOU'RE NOT A SALESMAN?
OPEN THAT DOOR.
- ALL RIGHT, FREEZE!
- (Janet screams)
HA HA. I CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED.
- WAIT A SECOND, OFFICER.
- I SAW YOU SNEAKING UP HERE.
- YEAH, BUT I LIVE HERE.
- JUST HOLD IT, PUNK.
- DOES HE LIVE HERE?
- UH...
- WELL...
- I WANT THE TRUTH.
- NO...
- ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE
COMING WITH ME.
NO, WAIT, HE USED TO LIVE HERE.
AH HA! SO YOU KNEW THE
WHOLE LAYOUT IN ADVANCE.
- WELL, YES OFFICER, BUT...
- "YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.
- ANYTHING YOU SAY WILL..."
- OFFICER...
- JUST SHUT UP, PUNK!
- DON'T TALK TO HIM
LIKE THAT!
I WAS JUST MAKING HIM
AWARE OF HIS RIGHTS.
IS "SHUT UP, PUNK"
ONE OF HIS RIGHTS?
HEY, LISTEN!
I DON'T THINK YOU PEOPLE
KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS.
OH BUT I DO, OFFICER.
YOU SEE, I DID SOMETHING REALLY
STUPID TO THESE GIRLS TODAY.
OH JACK, NOW COME ON.
DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
NO, I DID SOMETHING THAT I'LL BE
ASHAMED OF FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
- DON'T BLAME YOURSELF, JACK.
- I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO HOLD
MY HEAD UP AGAIN.
JACK, HONEY, IT'S NOT
THAT IMPORTANT, REALLY.
I REGRET EVERYTHING. I'LL TELL
YOU I APOLOGIZE FOR EVERYTHING.
OH IT'S OKAY.
AND JANET, I'LL NEVER ASK YOU TO
TAKE DOWN YOUR PANTY-HOSE AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
Both: AWW...
OH JACK, NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT.
WE'RE JUST SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
- I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
- SO DID I. I COULDN'T
SLEEP WITHOUT YOU!
- OH CHRISSY.
- YEAH, JACK,
- NEITHER COULD I.
- AW, JANET...
HOLD THE PHONE, HOLD THE PHONE!
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU WERE
LIVING HERE WITH THESE GIRLS?
YEAH, OFFICER, AND THE
REASON I WAS BREAKING IN...
(whistles)
WHO CARES WHY YOU BROKE
IN. WHY DID YOU BREAK OUT?
YOU SEE, I MOVED
INTO A NEW PLACE
- AND THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
MADE A PASS AT ME.
- POOR BABY!
YOU REALLY HAVE YOUR
TROUBLES, DON'T YOU?
WAIT A SECOND, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND. I CAN EXPLAIN.
FORGET IT! FORGET IT!
I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
YOU GIVE ME A BUNCH OF
SELF-RESPECTING CROOKS ANY DAY.
WITH CROOKS YOU
KNOW WHERE YOU STAND.
INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE!
I CAN'T TELL YOU
HOW LOUSY I FELT.
OH JACK, SO DID WE.
YOU REALLY GAVE US A SCARE.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO BREAK
IN THE WINDOW LIKE THAT...
SHE DOESN'T MEAN
ABOUT THE WINDOW.
SHE MEANS THAT WE
THOUGHT WE LOST YOU.
FOREVER...
YOU... OH CHRISSY,
HOW COULD YOU THINK...
- HOW COULD I...
- WELL...
CHRISSY, SOMETIMES YOU COME
UP WITH THE CRAZIEST IDEAS.
WELL, I JUST WANT US TO
STAY TOGETHER FOREVER.
AND SOMETIMES YOU MAKE
A LOT OF SENSE. COME HERE.
- OH...
- OH JACK...
WE REALLY MISSED YOU.
- HEY, CHRISSY?
- YEAH?
YOU THINK THAT JACK CAME BACK JUST
BECAUSE THAT WOMAN MADE A PASS AT HIM?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S GO FIND OUT.
- YEAH?
- COME ON.
JACK, COULD YOU
COME OUT FOR A MINUTE?
- WHAT'S UP?
- WAS THE ONLY REASON
YOU CAME BACK
BECAUSE THAT LADY
MADE A PASS AT YOU?
OH NO, CHRISSIE, IT WAS
MUCH WORSE THAN THAT.
IT WAS WORSE?
WHAT DID SHE DO? DID
SHE TAKE HER CLOTHES OFF?
MUCH, MUCH WORSE.
OH JACK, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! WHAT
DID SHE DO THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE?
SHE HUNG HER PANTY
HOSE ON THE SHOWER ROD.
- (laughs maniacally)
- OH JACK!
JACK TRIPPER!
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.