Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 16 - The Catered Affair - full transcript
When Crissy's boss asks her to look for a caterer for a party she is throwing at the office. And she recommends Jack. When she tells Jack, he is elated except for the fact he doesn't have enough money. The girls suggest he use the rent money and he can use the money that he will get paid with to pay the rent. So they agree to it. But at the party, Crissy is being hit on by a lecherous man. Jack comes in and does something. He later learns that he is the President of the company and after what happened refuses to pay Jack. Crissy's boss knows he is a creep and only wished that his wife would catch him in the act. So the guys decide to set him up.
(theme music playing)
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
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♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
(phone rings)
J.C. BRADDOCK'S OFFICE.
OH, HI, JACK. YEAH.
OH, I'M REAL BUSY.
NO, I CAN TYPE AND TALK
TO YOU AT THE SAME TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL PICK
IT UP ON THE WAY HOME.
YEAH, OKAY. A TOMATO...
TWO CUCUMBERS...
AND A LETTUCE. UH-HUH.
OKAY, OKAY. SEE
YOU LATER, BYE-BYE.
(gasps) OH, NO.
CHRISSY, COULD YOU STEP IN
HERE FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?
OH, YEAH. SURE.
- CHRISSY, HOW DID...
- OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY. CHRISSY, HOW DID YOU
GET MR. BREWSTER TO PAY HIS BILL?
THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT SAID
THEY GAVE UP ON HIM MONTHS AGO.
OH, THAT WAS EASY. I
JUST USED A LITTLE HONEY.
- HONEY?
- YEAH. YOU SEE,
WHEN I WAS TALKING TO
MR. BREWSTER ON THE PHONE,
I HAPPENED TO MENTION TO HIM THAT WE
WERE GOING TO SEND A LETTER TO HIS WIFE
TELLING HER HOW MUCH WE ENJOYED
MEETING HIM ON OUR LAST BUSINESS TRIP.
CHRISSY, THAT WASN'T HIS WIFE!
THAT WAS HIS SECRETARY!
WELL, THAT WAS THE LITTLE
HONEY I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
(laughs) OH, CHRISSY,
YOU'RE AMAZING.
MRS. BRADDOCK, MAY I
SEE YOU FOR A MOMENT?
COME IN, MR. PENROSE. YOU
KNOW MY NEW SECRETARY,
CHRISSY SNOW. CHRISSY, THIS IS
MR. PENROSE, THE PRESIDENT OF OUR COMPANY.
(gasps) OH, I'M VERY
PLEASED TO MEET YOU, SIR.
- HELLO.
- CHRISSY'S ONLY BEEN WITH ME
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
BUT SHE HAS REALLY
SHAPED MY OFFICE UP.
SHE HASN'T DONE BAD
WITH HERSELF EITHER. (laughs)
WAS THERE SOMETHING IN PARTICULAR
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT,
- MR. PENROSE?
- OH, OH, YES.
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS ARE IN TOWN
FOR THEIR ANNUAL MEETING TOMORROW,
AND WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE
COCKTAIL PARTY IN THE EXECUTIVE LOUNGE.
OF COURSE, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
CHRISSY, WILL YOU CALL OUR CATERER?
LET'S SEE... IT'S UM...
ALFRED'S, ON SUNSET BLVD.
- RIGHT. EXCUSE ME.
- (Mr. Penrose chuckles)
AHEM, HAS CHRISSY BEEN
WITH THE COMPANY LONG?
NO, NOT TOO LONG. ABOUT...
TWO YEARS AS A MATTER OF FACT.
- SHE'S A GREAT WORKER.
- OH, YES.
SHE'S A GREAT WALKER TOO.
- (telephone buzzes)
- YES, CHRISSY.
- I have Alfred's on two.
- THANK YOU.
- (Mr. Penrose sighs)
- OH, MR. PENROSE...
OH, NO. NO, DON'T GET
UP, CHRISSY. (chuckles)
- YOU KNOW, J. C. SPEAKS
VERY HIGHLY OF YOU.
- REALLY?
- WELL, I ALWAYS
TRY MY BEST.
- (chuckles)
OH, YES, I'M SURE YOU DO.
AND... YOU KNOW,
A MAN LIKE ME...
WELL, I CAN HELP YOU A
GREAT DEAL IN THIS COMPANY.
COULD YOU, MR. PENROSE?
OH, I WANNA GO AS FAR AS I CAN.
WHOO!
OO-OH, WELL... (chuckles)
I WANT YOU TO GO ALL THE WAY.
CHRISSY, DID YOU... I'M... I'M
VERY SORRY, MR. PENROSE.
OH, THAT I WAS... UH... LEAVING.
COULD YOU COME IN
A MINUTE? WE HAVE A...
- WE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.
- OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
ALFRED'S CAN'T DO THE
CATERING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE,
SO I GUESS WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GET ANOTHER CATERER.
LET'S SEE...
YES, WHY DON'T WE TRY
PIERRE'S OF BEVERLY HILLS?
- I KNOW A BETTER ONE.
- WHO?!
JACK OF SANTA MONICA.
- NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
- OH, YOU WILL.
- HE IS THE BEST.
- WELL, IF YOU KNOW
HIS WORK...
I EAT IT EVERY NIGHT.
LET US SEE... WE'LL HAVE
EIGHT OR 10 COUPLES...
DO YOU THINK WE CAN
GET HIM TO DO IT FOR $500?
- JACK?!
- YEAH.
HE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR $500.
(moaning) YEAH, JANET, JUST
A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN.
- OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
OO-OH, A LITTLE FURTHER SOUTH.
- YEAH, THAT'S IT. JUST KEEP HEADING SOUTH.
- OKAY.
BUT I'M STOPPING AT THE BORDER.
(screaming) JACK, JACK...
ALFRED COULDN'T DO IT! (giggles)
16 PEOPLE, TOMORROW, AN
EXECUTIVE OFFICE PARTY. (giggles)
- WHAT?!
- I GOT IT FOR YOU...
$500! OH, I'M SO
EXCITED! (screams)
- CATERING!
- OH, CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY!
- WHAT IS SHE
SCREAMING ABOUT?
SHE'S TRYING TO TELL YOU
THAT SHE GOT YOU A JOB
CATERING AN EXECUTIVE OFFICE
PARTY FOR 16 PEOPLE TOMORROW NIGHT
AT HER OFFICE FOR $500.
(whining) I WANTED TO TELL HIM.
- CHRISSY,
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
- YES!
WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC!
IT'S MY FIRST CATERING JOB.
CHRISSY, IT'S MY BIG
BREAK. I LOVE YOU.
(all screaming)
- THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
- WHAT?
MONEY. HOW AM I GONNA GET ENOUGH
MONEY TO PAY FOR ALL THAT FOOD?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. ALL WE HAVE
IS $200 WE SAVED FOR THE RENT.
THAT'S IT, CHRISSY.
YOU ARE A GENIUS!
NO, NO, NO. WE CAN'T GO
USING THE RENT MONEY.
- WHY NOT? I'LL PUT IT BACK
AS SOON AS I GET PAID.
- Janet: OH?
CHRISSY, GET A PENCIL. I WANNA
MAKE UP THE MENU RIGHT NOW.
WHOA, JACK, WHAT ABOUT THOSE
MEATBALLS, FROM THE OTHER EVENING?
JANET, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS LATER, OKAY?
- Janet: OKAY.
- I WANT MUSHROOM
STUFFED WITH SHRIMP,
AND TWO KINDS OF PATES.
AND WHERE IS THAT...? OH, YES.
- TWO PATES.
- DARK CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
AND PUT DOWN SIX
KINDS OF QUICHE.
- SIX KINDS OF QUICHE.
- RIGHT.
WOW, SIX KINDS OF QUICHE?
THAT'S EXPENSIVE STUFF.
YES, OKAY. I'LL STILL
MAKE ABOUT $300 PROFIT.
NOT BAD FOR A DAY'S
WORK. HUH, JANET?
NOT BAD. ARE YOU KIDDING? I SHOULD
GIVE UP MY JOB AT THE FLOWER SHOP
- AND BECOME A CATERER.
- BUT YOU CAN'T COOK.
WHO CARES? AT $300 A DAY,
BY THE TIME PEOPLE FIND OUT,
I'LL BE RICH.
- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.
- HI, CHRISSY. HELLO, KIDS.
- HI.
LISTEN, OUR TV SET IS
OUT. CAN WE WATCH YOURS?
- IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
- WHAT IS IT, MR. ROPER,
- ANOTHER FIRE OR FLOOD?
- IT'S WORSE...
"THE GONG SHOW."
- COME ON, STANLEY.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
YOUR TELEVISION?
I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST
DOESN'T TURN ON.
LIKE EVERYTHING
ELSE IN OUR BEDROOM.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME? I
GOTTA GET BACK TO MY RECIPES.
I GOT A LOT OF COOKING TO DO.
A WOMAN'S WORK IS NEVER DONE.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. MRS.
BRADDOCK, CHRISSY'S BOSS,
- SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.
- REALLY?
NO. JACK IS CATERING A
COCKTAIL PARTY AT MY OFFICE.
OH, A COCKTAIL PARTY.
OH, NO!
COCKTAILS... I FORGOT
ALL ABOUT THE DRINKS.
THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LAY OUT
ANOTHER $100 FOR THE LIQUOR.
- OH, GOSH. DO YOU HAVE IT?
- OF COURSE NOT.
I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH
TO PAY FOR THE FOOD.
- DO WE HAVE
ANY MORE MONEY?
- I'M SORRY, JACK. I'M FLAT.
NEVER MIND THAT. DO
YOU HAVE ANY MONEY?
HEY, JACK, I HAVE $7.
YOU CAN HAVE THAT.
THANKS A LOT, CHRISSY,
BUT THAT WON'T HELP MUCH.
NOW WHO DO WE KNOW WHO HAS $100?
COME ON, HELEN. LET'S GO
DOWNSTAIRS AND LISTEN TO OUR RADIO.
MR. ROPER, HANG ON A
SECOND. I PROMISE YOU,
- AS SOON AS I GET PAID,
I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
- FORGET IT.
NO, I TELL YOU WHAT, IF
YOU LEND ME THE MONEY,
- YOU CAN BE THE BARTENDER.
- FORGET IT.
- IT PAYS $25.
- WHAT TIME DO YOU
WANT ME TO BE THERE?
OH... AND NOW I JUST
NEED A COUPLE OF GIRLS.
JACK, WILL YOU KEEP
YOUR MIND ON THE JOB?
CHRISSY, COME ON. HE'S
TALKING ABOUT WAITRESSES.
IF YOU TAKE ME ALONG, I'LL SERVE
AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO PAY ANYBODY.
- JUST RENT ME A UNIFORM.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- MY PLEASURE.
OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
HEY, JACK, I'LL HELP YOU
TOO. AND I'LL DO IT FOR FREE.
WELL, I WON'T WORK FOR FREE.
I KNOW THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR.
HE SURE DOES. THAT'S WHAT
HE SPENT ON OUR HONEYMOON.
IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY.
(chattering)
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- OH, CHRISSY, IT'S LOVELY.
IT'S LOVELY, AND THE
TABLE LOOKS SO APPETIZING.
YEAH, THE FOOD
LOOKS EVEN BETTER.
- HI, CHRISSY.
- HI.
IT'S ALL GOING PRETTY
GOOD, ISN'T IT? YEAH?
MRS. ROPER?! AHEM.
- HI, CHRISSY.
- HI. OH!
MRS. BRADDOCK, I WANT
YOU TO MEET THE CATERER.
- THIS IS JACK,
OF SANTA MONICA.
- HOW DO YOU DO, JA...?
HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?
YES, AT THE REGAL BEAGLE!
YOU WERE DUMPING
FOOD ALL OVER SOMEONE.
- ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS...
- IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. IT
JUST WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT WAS JUST AN ACC... (coughs)
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I
HAVE TO GO BEAT MY MOUSSE.
STANLEY. STANLEY,
WHAT'S THE GLASS FOR?
THEY GOTTA HAVE
SOME PLACE TO PUT TIPS.
SEE, I PUT MY OWN DOLLAR
IN THERE TO START THEM OFF.
OH, STANLEY, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.
YOU'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING
PEOPLE TO PUT CASH IN THERE.
NO, I'M NOT. I'LL TAKE A CHECK.
BOY, JACK, YOU DID GREAT. PEOPLE
ARE GOBBLING UP THE APPETIZERS.
JANET, HERE. TAKE THE STUFFED
MUSHROOMS AROUND NOW.
OKAY. HEY, JACK, HOW DID YOU GET
THOSE SHRIMPS INSIDE THE MUSHROOMS?
OH, EASY. I JUST TOLD THEM THERE
WAS A HUNGRY TUNA LOOSE IN THE ROOM.
I'M GONNA GET YOU.
I'D LIKE A BRANDY ALEXANDER.
MY NAME IS STANLEY.
NO, IT'S A DRINK... A
BRANDY ALEXANDER.
YOU MIX SOME BRANDY
WITH SOME CREAM-
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO
DRINK THAT JUNK. HERE...
TRY SOME BOURBON, IT'S FRESH.
MR. PENROSE, GOOD EVENING.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
OH, JUST FINE, MRS. BRADDOCK.
DO YOU KNOW MRS. PENROSE?
- OF COURSE, WE MET
AT THE RECEPTION.
- OF COURSE WE DID.
HOW ARE YOU? OH, THE PARTY
IS LOVELY, SIMPLY LOVELY!
AND THE FOOD... YOU MUST
TELL ME WHO CATERED IT.
- THE YOUNG MAN RIGHT OVER THERE DID ALL...
- OH, REALLY?
I MUST TALK WITH HIM. YOU
MAN. YOUNG MAN? YOOHOO!
- EVERYTHING IS DELICIOUS AND
QUITE UNMISTAKABLY FRENCH.
- OH, OUI, OUI.
- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO PARIS?
- OH, NO, NO.
WELL, DON'T GO. IT'S
TERRIBLY OVERRATED.
THEY DID ALL THE WRONG
THINGS WITH MY HAIR.
BUT SPAIN... THAT'S A COUNTRY.
- SI, SI.
- HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN THERE?
- WELL, NO... ACTUALLY, I...
- WELL, YOU MUST GO.
NOW THOSE PEOPLE KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT HAIR.
WHERE IS THE CAVIAR? I
CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE CAVIAR.
- THERE ISN'T ANY. I DIDN'T THINK...
- NO CAVIAR?!
(gasps) THAT'S DREADFUL!
AND I WAS SO LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
DO YOU REALIZE I HAVE GONE
THREE WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT CAVIAR?
AND YOU LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT?
- CHRISSY, YOU WANNA
HELP ME A MINUTE?
- YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
WATCH MY DOLLAR WHILE
I DELIVER THESE DRINKS.
AH, CHRISSY, MY
DEAR, HERE YOU ARE.
OH, HI, MR. PENROSE. CAN
I GIVE YOU SOMETHING?
OH, OH, YES! (laughs)
NICE PARTY. YOU SHOULD
BE COMPLIMENTED.
J.C. TELLS ME YOU MADE
ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME
MAKING A LITTLE
ARRANGEMENT OF OUR OWN?
I'M SORRY.
- HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
- IT'S GOING OKAY FOR ME,
- BUT I'M WORRIED
ABOUT CHRISSY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU SEE THAT GUY'S COMING
ON TO HER OVER THERE?
YOU KNOW, CHRISSY,
YOU... (chuckles)
- YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
- (screams)
- DID YOU SEE
WHAT I JUST SAW?
- YEAH.
EITHER THAT GUY
IS A DIRTY OLD MAN
OR CHRISSY'S JUST
BACKED INTO A CACTUS.
BOY, THIS ROOM IS
REALLY GETTING CROWDED.
YOU KNOW, CHRISSY, IF
YOU MAKE IT EASY FOR ME,
I CAN MAKE IT EASY
FOR YOU. (laughs)
HERE WE GO, CHOCOLATE
MOUSSE. DESSERT FOR ANYONE?
- NO, NO. NO, THANK YOU.
- OH, BUT IT'S REALLY
A GREAT MOUSSE.
- YOU SHOULD TASTE IT, SIR.
- WOULD YOU PLEASE
GO AWAY?
(chuckles) AND NOW,
CHRISSY, MY DEAR,
- IF WE COULD JUST GET...
- (screams)
EXCUSE ME, COMING THROUGH, COMING
THROUGH. TRY MY MOUSSE, PLEASE.
- JACK, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- I TOLD YOU...
(Mrs. Roper screams)
OF ALL THE CLUMSY
IDIOTIC, MORON...
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, MR. PENROSE.
ACCIDENT MY FOOT. HE
DID THAT ON PURPOSE!
HE DID NOT. HE WOULDN'T
DO THAT TO OUR PRESIDENT.
THE... UH... THE PRESIDENT?! HEY,
LISTEN, I VOTED FOR YOU. I'M SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.
- HERBERT, I SEE
YOU'VE TRIED THE MOUSSE.
I WISH YOU'D USE A NAPKIN.
I WANT YOU OFF THE PREMISES.
YOU'RE FINISHED. AND I'M
NOT EVEN PAYING YOU A CENT.
- OH, YOU WILL NOT...
- NOT ONLY AM I NOT PAYING YOU,
- I MAY EVEN SUE YOU.
- SU... SUE...
MR. PENROSE, MR. PEN...
WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
THIS... THIS IDIOTIC CATERER
DUMPED FOOD ALL OVER ME.
- CHRISSY, YOU TOLD ME
HE STOPPED DOING THAT!
- (Penrose stammers)
AND I WANT HER
FIRED THIS INSTANT!
- CHRISSY FIRED?!
- WELL, SHE HIRED HIM,
- YOU FIRE HER.
- MR. PENROSE, IF WE
JUST CALM DOWN.
I AM GOING INTO MY
OFFICE TO CHANGE.
WHEN I RETURN, I WANT
TO SEE HER... GONE.
MRS. BRADDOCK, EXCUSE ME. I SAW
THE WHOLE THING FROM RIGHT THERE,
AND IT WASN'T CHRISSY'S FAULT.
THAT GUY WAS PINCHING HER.
- (gasps) OH, HE WAS, WAS HE?
- YEAH, HE WAS.
- SHOW HER
THE FINGERPRINTS.
- Janet: JACK!
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?
- I DON'T KNOW.
UH, UH... LET'S GO IN MY OFFICE.
- MAYBE WE CAN THINK
OF SOMETHING. COME ON.
- OKAY.
GO ON, JACK. COME
ON, CHRISSY. OH, BOY.
OH, CHRISSY, HONEY, LISTEN, WE'RE
NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN.
- THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE
RIGHT NOW I COULDN'T.
- OO-OH.
OH, PLEASE,
MAY I HAVE A SMALL GLASS
OF YOUR BEST WHITE WINE?
- WINE, WINE,
WINE, RIGHT.
- YES.
(chuckles) AH. OH,
JUST A MOMENT!
WHAT YEAR IS IT?
LADY, IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT,
YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK ALREADY.
WHAT! OH!
STANLEY, STANLEY, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED TO
JACK AND CHRISSY?
- CHRISSY... UH, HMM.
- I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. I SWEAR, I WILL
QUIT BEFORE I LET THEM FIRE YOU.
QUIT?!
- YOU'RE A VICE-PRESIDENT.
WHAT KIND OF A VICE-PRESIDENT IF I CAN'T
HIRE THE PEOPLE I WANT AND KEEP THEM?
OH, IF YOU QUIT, I'LL
ONLY FEEL WORSE.
Mrs. Braddock: WE'RE NOT
THROUGH WITH MR. PENROSE.
WE ARE GOING TO GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
THAT'S WHAT
MR. PENROSE WAS DOING.
SOME CATERER I AM! I
COST CHRISSY HER JOB.
AND I LOST THE RENT MONEY. ON
TOP OF THAT, I MAY EVEN GET SUED!
CAN YOU BELIEVE...
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PAID?
- WHAT ABOUT MY $125?
- MR. ROPER, IT'S MY
RESPONSIBILITY,
I'LL GET YOUR MONEY BACK
SOMEHOW. JUST TRUST ME, OKAY?
NOT WITH YOUR ARM
AROUND ME, I DON'T.
OH, BOY, THIS WAS MY BIG CHANCE.
- THE PEOPLE LIKED MY FOOD.
- Janet: I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND... AND... I WAS GONNA GO INTO A
WHOLE NEW BUSINESS FOR MYSELF.
IT'S ALL MR. PENROSE'S FAULT.
ALL THAT MAN THINKS ABOUT
IS SEX! IT'S LIKE A DISEASE.
WHY DON'T YOU GET HIM TO
BREATHE ON YOU, STANLEY?
COME ON, HELEN. LET'S SEE IF
WE CAN SAVE SOME OF THAT BOOZE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY A SHAME
THAT MRS. PENROSE DIDN'T
CATCH MR. PENROSE WITH CHRISSY.
MRS. PENROSE... THAT'S
THE ANSWER, CHRISSY.
WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
IF SHE HAPPENED TO CATCH
PENROSE AND CHRISSY ALONE,
WE'D REALLY HAVE
HIM OVER A BARREL.
CAN I PINCH HIM
WHILE HE'S OVER IT?
CHRISSY, YOU...
YOU CAN'T PINCH HIM.
WHY NOT? WHAT'S "GOOSE" FOR
THE GIRL IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER.
OH, THAT'S IT, CHRISSY.
OF COURSE! WE'LL GET MR. PENROSE
IN HERE AND HE'LL MAKE A PASS AT YOU.
- THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
- THAT IS A ROTTEN IDEA!
- DO YOU THINK HE'LL BITE?
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
AFRAID OF.
- Janet: WHAT?
- WELL,
I'M NOT GONNA STAY ALONE IN
THIS OFFICE WITH THAT OCTOPUS.
IT'S OKAY, CHRISSY. I'M GONNA BE
WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
- BUT PENROSE WON'T.
- CHRISSY, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL MAKE SURE HIS WIFE COMES
IN BEFORE ANYTHING COMES OFF.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?
- WE FRENCHMEN HAVE
OUR WAYS.
CHARLIE, HERE'S TO A THIRD PHYSICAL
QUARTER WITH IMPROVED EARNINGS
- AND LARGER DIVIDENDS.
- YOU SAID IT.
- I'M NOT FINISHED.
- YES, YOU ARE.
ALL RIGHT, I WANT ALL YOUR
BOOZE. LET'S FORM THREE LINES HERE.
BOURBON ON THE LEFT,
SCOTCH IN THE MIDDLE,
VODKA ON THE RIGHT. COME ON.
DEXTER, I BELIEVE THAT'S
SCOTCH. OVER HERE IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU... COME ON...
SO, MRS. BRADDOCK, DID YOU TAKE CARE OF
THAT LITTLE MATTER WITH YOUR SECRETARY?
OH, MR. PENROSE, CHRISSY IS
SO SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
- AND SHE WANTS TO APOLOGIZE.
- OH, SHE DOES?
YES, YES, SHE CERTAINLY DOES.
SHE SAID THAT SHE'D JUST BE WILLING
TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE AMENDS.
- ANYTHING?
- ANYTHING.
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, THAT POOR GIRL
IS IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
ALL ALONE.
LYING THERE.
IN THE DARK.
- REALLY?
- REALLY.
WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD GO IN
AND TALK TO HER. (chuckles)
(cheering, whispering)
- MRS. PENROSE, GOOD NEWS.
- GOOD NEWS?
YES, THEY JUST DELIVERED
CAVIAR, AND IT'S FROM RUSSIA.
- FROM RUSSIA?
- DA, DA.
OH, THEY DO GIVE
DREADFUL MANICURES,
BUT THEY MAKE THE
MOST WONDERFUL CAVIAR.
YES, I SUPPOSE SO. IT'S IN MRS.
BRADDOCK'S OFFICE AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU.
- HOW MUCH IS THERE?
- ENOUGH FOR THREE
OR FOUR PEOPLE.
(screams, laughs)
MR. PENROSE, I AM SO SORRY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
DO YOU THINK THERE'S THE TINIEST LITTLE
CHANCE YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND?
WELL, CHRISSIE, ONCE
I MAKE A DECISION,
IT TAKES A LOT TO
GET ME TO CHANGE IT.
OH, AND YOU
CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT.
I HAVEN'T HAD GOOD RUSSIAN CAVIAR
SINCE I WAS BACKSTAGE AT THE BALLET.
WELL, WHEN YOU SEE WHAT'S IN
THIS ROOM YOU WILL FLIP YOUR TUTU.
OOH, DEAR, I FORGOT MY VODKA!
NOW WHAT'S ALL THAT
CAVIAR WITHOUT VODKA?
- OH, NO, HANG ON...
- NO, WAIT A MINUTE... OW!
YOU KNOW THAT WAS A TERRIBLE
THING YOUR FRIEND DID TO ME?
I TOLD YOU, HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BLAME
YOU FOR HIS MISTAKE.
- THAT'S RIGHT. IT WAS A MISTAKE.
- WHAT WAS?
- THE ACCIDENT.
- YOU HAVE AWFULLY
FAST HANDS!
WELL, I DO 95 WORDS A MINUTE.
IF YOU'D JUST SLOW UP A LITTLE,
YOU'D NEVER HAVE
TO TYPE AGAIN. (laughs)
JACK, JACK, WOULD YOU HURRY
UP AND GET THAT WOMAN IN HERE?
IT ISN'T EASY. I
GOT MY HANDS FULL.
SO DOES PENROSE.
(laughs) I CAN'T WAIT TO SIT MY
TEETH INTO THAT YUMMY CAVIAR!
- GREAT! WELL IT'S
THIS WAY. OH, GOSH!
- OH, DEAR!
- OH, I'M SO SORRY...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
- THERE'S LOT MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
- OH...
- (Mr. Penrose laughing)
- (Chrissy screaming)
MR. PENROSE, YOU
SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
OH, BUT CHRISSY, I'M
ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU.
WHAT YOU NEED IS AFFECTION
AND UNDERSTANDING.
WHAT I NEED ARE SNEAKERS.
IF YOU DON'T GET HER
IN HERE, CHRISSY'S JOB
IS NOT THE ONLY THING
SHE'S GONNA LOSE.
WAIT, WAIT, IS THAT
CAVIAR CHILLED?
- CHILLED? IT'S WEARING A SWEATER.
- OH!
MR. PENROSE, I DON'T WANT TO.
WHOA NOW, CHRISSY...
CHRISSY, DON'T MAKE ME BEG.
- HERBERT!
- (Chrissy gasps)
- ELOISE.
- (Chrissy sighs)
EXACTLY WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE DOING?!
(stuttering)
UH... UH... HE WAS JUST BEGGING
CHRISSY TO TAKE HER JOB BACK,
WEREN'T YOU, MR. PENROSE?
I WAS? OH, YES, I
WAS! OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING.
OH, PLEASE, PLEASE,
CHRISSY, DON'T QUIT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
CHRISSY, WOULD YOU STAY
IF MR. PENROSE WERE TO
GIVE YOU AN INCREMENT OF 10%?
I'D RATHER HAVE A RAISE.
(laughing) WELL, WELL,
IT'S ALL SETTLED.
NOT QUITE, THERE'S STILL THE
MATTER OF THE CATERING BILL.
OH, YES, I HAPPEN TO HAVE
THE CHECK RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE. SIGN RIGHT
HERE ON THE BOTTOM LINE.
I'LL GET YOU A PEN. RIGHT THERE,
JUST SIGN RIGHT ON THE BOTTOM.
YES, THE CATERER MUST
HAVE SLIPPED MY MIND.
I HOPE YOU LIKED THE FOOD, SIR.
WELL, ALL I HAD WAS
THE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
- NOW WHAT ABOUT THE CAVIAR?
- THE... THE CAVIAR?
- YES.
- UH... I... I GUESS HE ATE IT.
HERBERT, YOU'RE ALWAYS GRABBING
THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU.
(all cheering)
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- WE GOTTEN PAID.
NOW MR. ROPER, YOU'RE
GONNA GET YOUR $125.
- MAKE IT $126?
- HUH?
SOMEBODY STOLE MY DOLLAR.
OH, STANLEY, STANLEY,
- WASN'T THAT ROMANTIC?
- WHAT?
WHAT JACK DID TO THAT
MAN WHO PINCHED CHRISSY?
BIG DEAL. JACK WAS JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T PINCH HIM.
I THINK IT'S SO EXCITING
WHEN A MAN GETS JEALOUS.
STANLEY, STANLEY,
IF YOU CAME HOME
AND FOUND ANOTHER
MAN MAKING LOVE TO ME
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO HIM?
- NOTHING.
- NOTHING?!
- WHY NOT?!
- WELL, I'D FIGURED
THE GUY SUFFERED ENOUGH.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪
♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪
♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪
(phone rings)
J.C. BRADDOCK'S OFFICE.
OH, HI, JACK. YEAH.
OH, I'M REAL BUSY.
NO, I CAN TYPE AND TALK
TO YOU AT THE SAME TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL PICK
IT UP ON THE WAY HOME.
YEAH, OKAY. A TOMATO...
TWO CUCUMBERS...
AND A LETTUCE. UH-HUH.
OKAY, OKAY. SEE
YOU LATER, BYE-BYE.
(gasps) OH, NO.
CHRISSY, COULD YOU STEP IN
HERE FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE?
OH, YEAH. SURE.
- CHRISSY, HOW DID...
- OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY. CHRISSY, HOW DID YOU
GET MR. BREWSTER TO PAY HIS BILL?
THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT SAID
THEY GAVE UP ON HIM MONTHS AGO.
OH, THAT WAS EASY. I
JUST USED A LITTLE HONEY.
- HONEY?
- YEAH. YOU SEE,
WHEN I WAS TALKING TO
MR. BREWSTER ON THE PHONE,
I HAPPENED TO MENTION TO HIM THAT WE
WERE GOING TO SEND A LETTER TO HIS WIFE
TELLING HER HOW MUCH WE ENJOYED
MEETING HIM ON OUR LAST BUSINESS TRIP.
CHRISSY, THAT WASN'T HIS WIFE!
THAT WAS HIS SECRETARY!
WELL, THAT WAS THE LITTLE
HONEY I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
(laughs) OH, CHRISSY,
YOU'RE AMAZING.
MRS. BRADDOCK, MAY I
SEE YOU FOR A MOMENT?
COME IN, MR. PENROSE. YOU
KNOW MY NEW SECRETARY,
CHRISSY SNOW. CHRISSY, THIS IS
MR. PENROSE, THE PRESIDENT OF OUR COMPANY.
(gasps) OH, I'M VERY
PLEASED TO MEET YOU, SIR.
- HELLO.
- CHRISSY'S ONLY BEEN WITH ME
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS,
BUT SHE HAS REALLY
SHAPED MY OFFICE UP.
SHE HASN'T DONE BAD
WITH HERSELF EITHER. (laughs)
WAS THERE SOMETHING IN PARTICULAR
YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT,
- MR. PENROSE?
- OH, OH, YES.
THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS ARE IN TOWN
FOR THEIR ANNUAL MEETING TOMORROW,
AND WE'D LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE
COCKTAIL PARTY IN THE EXECUTIVE LOUNGE.
OF COURSE, NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
CHRISSY, WILL YOU CALL OUR CATERER?
LET'S SEE... IT'S UM...
ALFRED'S, ON SUNSET BLVD.
- RIGHT. EXCUSE ME.
- (Mr. Penrose chuckles)
AHEM, HAS CHRISSY BEEN
WITH THE COMPANY LONG?
NO, NOT TOO LONG. ABOUT...
TWO YEARS AS A MATTER OF FACT.
- SHE'S A GREAT WORKER.
- OH, YES.
SHE'S A GREAT WALKER TOO.
- (telephone buzzes)
- YES, CHRISSY.
- I have Alfred's on two.
- THANK YOU.
- (Mr. Penrose sighs)
- OH, MR. PENROSE...
OH, NO. NO, DON'T GET
UP, CHRISSY. (chuckles)
- YOU KNOW, J. C. SPEAKS
VERY HIGHLY OF YOU.
- REALLY?
- WELL, I ALWAYS
TRY MY BEST.
- (chuckles)
OH, YES, I'M SURE YOU DO.
AND... YOU KNOW,
A MAN LIKE ME...
WELL, I CAN HELP YOU A
GREAT DEAL IN THIS COMPANY.
COULD YOU, MR. PENROSE?
OH, I WANNA GO AS FAR AS I CAN.
WHOO!
OO-OH, WELL... (chuckles)
I WANT YOU TO GO ALL THE WAY.
CHRISSY, DID YOU... I'M... I'M
VERY SORRY, MR. PENROSE.
OH, THAT I WAS... UH... LEAVING.
COULD YOU COME IN
A MINUTE? WE HAVE A...
- WE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.
- OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
ALFRED'S CAN'T DO THE
CATERING ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE,
SO I GUESS WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO GET ANOTHER CATERER.
LET'S SEE...
YES, WHY DON'T WE TRY
PIERRE'S OF BEVERLY HILLS?
- I KNOW A BETTER ONE.
- WHO?!
JACK OF SANTA MONICA.
- NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
- OH, YOU WILL.
- HE IS THE BEST.
- WELL, IF YOU KNOW
HIS WORK...
I EAT IT EVERY NIGHT.
LET US SEE... WE'LL HAVE
EIGHT OR 10 COUPLES...
DO YOU THINK WE CAN
GET HIM TO DO IT FOR $500?
- JACK?!
- YEAH.
HE'LL DO ANYTHING FOR $500.
(moaning) YEAH, JANET, JUST
A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN.
- OH, OKAY.
- YEAH.
OO-OH, A LITTLE FURTHER SOUTH.
- YEAH, THAT'S IT. JUST KEEP HEADING SOUTH.
- OKAY.
BUT I'M STOPPING AT THE BORDER.
(screaming) JACK, JACK...
ALFRED COULDN'T DO IT! (giggles)
16 PEOPLE, TOMORROW, AN
EXECUTIVE OFFICE PARTY. (giggles)
- WHAT?!
- I GOT IT FOR YOU...
$500! OH, I'M SO
EXCITED! (screams)
- CATERING!
- OH, CHRISSY!
- CHRISSY!
- WHAT IS SHE
SCREAMING ABOUT?
SHE'S TRYING TO TELL YOU
THAT SHE GOT YOU A JOB
CATERING AN EXECUTIVE OFFICE
PARTY FOR 16 PEOPLE TOMORROW NIGHT
AT HER OFFICE FOR $500.
(whining) I WANTED TO TELL HIM.
- CHRISSY,
ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
- YES!
WELL, THAT'S FANTASTIC!
IT'S MY FIRST CATERING JOB.
CHRISSY, IT'S MY BIG
BREAK. I LOVE YOU.
(all screaming)
- THERE'S ONLY ONE PROBLEM.
- WHAT?
MONEY. HOW AM I GONNA GET ENOUGH
MONEY TO PAY FOR ALL THAT FOOD?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. ALL WE HAVE
IS $200 WE SAVED FOR THE RENT.
THAT'S IT, CHRISSY.
YOU ARE A GENIUS!
NO, NO, NO. WE CAN'T GO
USING THE RENT MONEY.
- WHY NOT? I'LL PUT IT BACK
AS SOON AS I GET PAID.
- Janet: OH?
CHRISSY, GET A PENCIL. I WANNA
MAKE UP THE MENU RIGHT NOW.
WHOA, JACK, WHAT ABOUT THOSE
MEATBALLS, FROM THE OTHER EVENING?
JANET, WE CAN TALK ABOUT
YOUR FRIENDS LATER, OKAY?
- Janet: OKAY.
- I WANT MUSHROOM
STUFFED WITH SHRIMP,
AND TWO KINDS OF PATES.
AND WHERE IS THAT...? OH, YES.
- TWO PATES.
- DARK CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
AND PUT DOWN SIX
KINDS OF QUICHE.
- SIX KINDS OF QUICHE.
- RIGHT.
WOW, SIX KINDS OF QUICHE?
THAT'S EXPENSIVE STUFF.
YES, OKAY. I'LL STILL
MAKE ABOUT $300 PROFIT.
NOT BAD FOR A DAY'S
WORK. HUH, JANET?
NOT BAD. ARE YOU KIDDING? I SHOULD
GIVE UP MY JOB AT THE FLOWER SHOP
- AND BECOME A CATERER.
- BUT YOU CAN'T COOK.
WHO CARES? AT $300 A DAY,
BY THE TIME PEOPLE FIND OUT,
I'LL BE RICH.
- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.
- HI, CHRISSY. HELLO, KIDS.
- HI.
LISTEN, OUR TV SET IS
OUT. CAN WE WATCH YOURS?
- IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
- WHAT IS IT, MR. ROPER,
- ANOTHER FIRE OR FLOOD?
- IT'S WORSE...
"THE GONG SHOW."
- COME ON, STANLEY.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
YOUR TELEVISION?
I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST
DOESN'T TURN ON.
LIKE EVERYTHING
ELSE IN OUR BEDROOM.
WILL YOU EXCUSE ME? I
GOTTA GET BACK TO MY RECIPES.
I GOT A LOT OF COOKING TO DO.
A WOMAN'S WORK IS NEVER DONE.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. MRS.
BRADDOCK, CHRISSY'S BOSS,
- SHE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR.
- REALLY?
NO. JACK IS CATERING A
COCKTAIL PARTY AT MY OFFICE.
OH, A COCKTAIL PARTY.
OH, NO!
COCKTAILS... I FORGOT
ALL ABOUT THE DRINKS.
THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LAY OUT
ANOTHER $100 FOR THE LIQUOR.
- OH, GOSH. DO YOU HAVE IT?
- OF COURSE NOT.
I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH
TO PAY FOR THE FOOD.
- DO WE HAVE
ANY MORE MONEY?
- I'M SORRY, JACK. I'M FLAT.
NEVER MIND THAT. DO
YOU HAVE ANY MONEY?
HEY, JACK, I HAVE $7.
YOU CAN HAVE THAT.
THANKS A LOT, CHRISSY,
BUT THAT WON'T HELP MUCH.
NOW WHO DO WE KNOW WHO HAS $100?
COME ON, HELEN. LET'S GO
DOWNSTAIRS AND LISTEN TO OUR RADIO.
MR. ROPER, HANG ON A
SECOND. I PROMISE YOU,
- AS SOON AS I GET PAID,
I'LL PAY YOU BACK.
- FORGET IT.
NO, I TELL YOU WHAT, IF
YOU LEND ME THE MONEY,
- YOU CAN BE THE BARTENDER.
- FORGET IT.
- IT PAYS $25.
- WHAT TIME DO YOU
WANT ME TO BE THERE?
OH... AND NOW I JUST
NEED A COUPLE OF GIRLS.
JACK, WILL YOU KEEP
YOUR MIND ON THE JOB?
CHRISSY, COME ON. HE'S
TALKING ABOUT WAITRESSES.
IF YOU TAKE ME ALONG, I'LL SERVE
AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO PAY ANYBODY.
- JUST RENT ME A UNIFORM.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE SO SWEET.
- MY PLEASURE.
OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
HEY, JACK, I'LL HELP YOU
TOO. AND I'LL DO IT FOR FREE.
WELL, I WON'T WORK FOR FREE.
I KNOW THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR.
HE SURE DOES. THAT'S WHAT
HE SPENT ON OUR HONEYMOON.
IT WAS WORTH EVERY PENNY.
(chattering)
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- OH, CHRISSY, IT'S LOVELY.
IT'S LOVELY, AND THE
TABLE LOOKS SO APPETIZING.
YEAH, THE FOOD
LOOKS EVEN BETTER.
- HI, CHRISSY.
- HI.
IT'S ALL GOING PRETTY
GOOD, ISN'T IT? YEAH?
MRS. ROPER?! AHEM.
- HI, CHRISSY.
- HI. OH!
MRS. BRADDOCK, I WANT
YOU TO MEET THE CATERER.
- THIS IS JACK,
OF SANTA MONICA.
- HOW DO YOU DO, JA...?
HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?
YES, AT THE REGAL BEAGLE!
YOU WERE DUMPING
FOOD ALL OVER SOMEONE.
- ARE YOU SURE THAT WAS...
- IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. IT
JUST WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT WAS JUST AN ACC... (coughs)
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I
HAVE TO GO BEAT MY MOUSSE.
STANLEY. STANLEY,
WHAT'S THE GLASS FOR?
THEY GOTTA HAVE
SOME PLACE TO PUT TIPS.
SEE, I PUT MY OWN DOLLAR
IN THERE TO START THEM OFF.
OH, STANLEY, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.
YOU'RE PRACTICALLY BEGGING
PEOPLE TO PUT CASH IN THERE.
NO, I'M NOT. I'LL TAKE A CHECK.
BOY, JACK, YOU DID GREAT. PEOPLE
ARE GOBBLING UP THE APPETIZERS.
JANET, HERE. TAKE THE STUFFED
MUSHROOMS AROUND NOW.
OKAY. HEY, JACK, HOW DID YOU GET
THOSE SHRIMPS INSIDE THE MUSHROOMS?
OH, EASY. I JUST TOLD THEM THERE
WAS A HUNGRY TUNA LOOSE IN THE ROOM.
I'M GONNA GET YOU.
I'D LIKE A BRANDY ALEXANDER.
MY NAME IS STANLEY.
NO, IT'S A DRINK... A
BRANDY ALEXANDER.
YOU MIX SOME BRANDY
WITH SOME CREAM-
OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO
DRINK THAT JUNK. HERE...
TRY SOME BOURBON, IT'S FRESH.
MR. PENROSE, GOOD EVENING.
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
OH, JUST FINE, MRS. BRADDOCK.
DO YOU KNOW MRS. PENROSE?
- OF COURSE, WE MET
AT THE RECEPTION.
- OF COURSE WE DID.
HOW ARE YOU? OH, THE PARTY
IS LOVELY, SIMPLY LOVELY!
AND THE FOOD... YOU MUST
TELL ME WHO CATERED IT.
- THE YOUNG MAN RIGHT OVER THERE DID ALL...
- OH, REALLY?
I MUST TALK WITH HIM. YOU
MAN. YOUNG MAN? YOOHOO!
- EVERYTHING IS DELICIOUS AND
QUITE UNMISTAKABLY FRENCH.
- OH, OUI, OUI.
- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO PARIS?
- OH, NO, NO.
WELL, DON'T GO. IT'S
TERRIBLY OVERRATED.
THEY DID ALL THE WRONG
THINGS WITH MY HAIR.
BUT SPAIN... THAT'S A COUNTRY.
- SI, SI.
- HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN THERE?
- WELL, NO... ACTUALLY, I...
- WELL, YOU MUST GO.
NOW THOSE PEOPLE KNOW
WHAT TO DO ABOUT HAIR.
WHERE IS THE CAVIAR? I
CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE CAVIAR.
- THERE ISN'T ANY. I DIDN'T THINK...
- NO CAVIAR?!
(gasps) THAT'S DREADFUL!
AND I WAS SO LOOKING
FORWARD TO IT.
DO YOU REALIZE I HAVE GONE
THREE WHOLE DAYS WITHOUT CAVIAR?
AND YOU LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT?
- CHRISSY, YOU WANNA
HELP ME A MINUTE?
- YEAH, WHAT IS IT?
WATCH MY DOLLAR WHILE
I DELIVER THESE DRINKS.
AH, CHRISSY, MY
DEAR, HERE YOU ARE.
OH, HI, MR. PENROSE. CAN
I GIVE YOU SOMETHING?
OH, OH, YES! (laughs)
NICE PARTY. YOU SHOULD
BE COMPLIMENTED.
J.C. TELLS ME YOU MADE
ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW HOW ABOUT YOU AND ME
MAKING A LITTLE
ARRANGEMENT OF OUR OWN?
I'M SORRY.
- HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING?
- IT'S GOING OKAY FOR ME,
- BUT I'M WORRIED
ABOUT CHRISSY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU SEE THAT GUY'S COMING
ON TO HER OVER THERE?
YOU KNOW, CHRISSY,
YOU... (chuckles)
- YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
- (screams)
- DID YOU SEE
WHAT I JUST SAW?
- YEAH.
EITHER THAT GUY
IS A DIRTY OLD MAN
OR CHRISSY'S JUST
BACKED INTO A CACTUS.
BOY, THIS ROOM IS
REALLY GETTING CROWDED.
YOU KNOW, CHRISSY, IF
YOU MAKE IT EASY FOR ME,
I CAN MAKE IT EASY
FOR YOU. (laughs)
HERE WE GO, CHOCOLATE
MOUSSE. DESSERT FOR ANYONE?
- NO, NO. NO, THANK YOU.
- OH, BUT IT'S REALLY
A GREAT MOUSSE.
- YOU SHOULD TASTE IT, SIR.
- WOULD YOU PLEASE
GO AWAY?
(chuckles) AND NOW,
CHRISSY, MY DEAR,
- IF WE COULD JUST GET...
- (screams)
EXCUSE ME, COMING THROUGH, COMING
THROUGH. TRY MY MOUSSE, PLEASE.
- JACK, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- I TOLD YOU...
(Mrs. Roper screams)
OF ALL THE CLUMSY
IDIOTIC, MORON...
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, MR. PENROSE.
ACCIDENT MY FOOT. HE
DID THAT ON PURPOSE!
HE DID NOT. HE WOULDN'T
DO THAT TO OUR PRESIDENT.
THE... UH... THE PRESIDENT?! HEY,
LISTEN, I VOTED FOR YOU. I'M SORRY.
- I'M SORRY.
- HERBERT, I SEE
YOU'VE TRIED THE MOUSSE.
I WISH YOU'D USE A NAPKIN.
I WANT YOU OFF THE PREMISES.
YOU'RE FINISHED. AND I'M
NOT EVEN PAYING YOU A CENT.
- OH, YOU WILL NOT...
- NOT ONLY AM I NOT PAYING YOU,
- I MAY EVEN SUE YOU.
- SU... SUE...
MR. PENROSE, MR. PEN...
WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
THIS... THIS IDIOTIC CATERER
DUMPED FOOD ALL OVER ME.
- CHRISSY, YOU TOLD ME
HE STOPPED DOING THAT!
- (Penrose stammers)
AND I WANT HER
FIRED THIS INSTANT!
- CHRISSY FIRED?!
- WELL, SHE HIRED HIM,
- YOU FIRE HER.
- MR. PENROSE, IF WE
JUST CALM DOWN.
I AM GOING INTO MY
OFFICE TO CHANGE.
WHEN I RETURN, I WANT
TO SEE HER... GONE.
MRS. BRADDOCK, EXCUSE ME. I SAW
THE WHOLE THING FROM RIGHT THERE,
AND IT WASN'T CHRISSY'S FAULT.
THAT GUY WAS PINCHING HER.
- (gasps) OH, HE WAS, WAS HE?
- YEAH, HE WAS.
- SHOW HER
THE FINGERPRINTS.
- Janet: JACK!
- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW?
- I DON'T KNOW.
UH, UH... LET'S GO IN MY OFFICE.
- MAYBE WE CAN THINK
OF SOMETHING. COME ON.
- OKAY.
GO ON, JACK. COME
ON, CHRISSY. OH, BOY.
OH, CHRISSY, HONEY, LISTEN, WE'RE
NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN.
- THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE
RIGHT NOW I COULDN'T.
- OO-OH.
OH, PLEASE,
MAY I HAVE A SMALL GLASS
OF YOUR BEST WHITE WINE?
- WINE, WINE,
WINE, RIGHT.
- YES.
(chuckles) AH. OH,
JUST A MOMENT!
WHAT YEAR IS IT?
LADY, IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT,
YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK ALREADY.
WHAT! OH!
STANLEY, STANLEY, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED TO
JACK AND CHRISSY?
- CHRISSY... UH, HMM.
- I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT. I SWEAR, I WILL
QUIT BEFORE I LET THEM FIRE YOU.
QUIT?!
- YOU'RE A VICE-PRESIDENT.
WHAT KIND OF A VICE-PRESIDENT IF I CAN'T
HIRE THE PEOPLE I WANT AND KEEP THEM?
OH, IF YOU QUIT, I'LL
ONLY FEEL WORSE.
Mrs. Braddock: WE'RE NOT
THROUGH WITH MR. PENROSE.
WE ARE GOING TO GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!
THAT'S WHAT
MR. PENROSE WAS DOING.
SOME CATERER I AM! I
COST CHRISSY HER JOB.
AND I LOST THE RENT MONEY. ON
TOP OF THAT, I MAY EVEN GET SUED!
CAN YOU BELIEVE...
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PAID?
- WHAT ABOUT MY $125?
- MR. ROPER, IT'S MY
RESPONSIBILITY,
I'LL GET YOUR MONEY BACK
SOMEHOW. JUST TRUST ME, OKAY?
NOT WITH YOUR ARM
AROUND ME, I DON'T.
OH, BOY, THIS WAS MY BIG CHANCE.
- THE PEOPLE LIKED MY FOOD.
- Janet: I KNOW, I KNOW.
AND... AND... I WAS GONNA GO INTO A
WHOLE NEW BUSINESS FOR MYSELF.
IT'S ALL MR. PENROSE'S FAULT.
ALL THAT MAN THINKS ABOUT
IS SEX! IT'S LIKE A DISEASE.
WHY DON'T YOU GET HIM TO
BREATHE ON YOU, STANLEY?
COME ON, HELEN. LET'S SEE IF
WE CAN SAVE SOME OF THAT BOOZE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY A SHAME
THAT MRS. PENROSE DIDN'T
CATCH MR. PENROSE WITH CHRISSY.
MRS. PENROSE... THAT'S
THE ANSWER, CHRISSY.
WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?
IF SHE HAPPENED TO CATCH
PENROSE AND CHRISSY ALONE,
WE'D REALLY HAVE
HIM OVER A BARREL.
CAN I PINCH HIM
WHILE HE'S OVER IT?
CHRISSY, YOU...
YOU CAN'T PINCH HIM.
WHY NOT? WHAT'S "GOOSE" FOR
THE GIRL IS GOOD FOR THE GANDER.
OH, THAT'S IT, CHRISSY.
OF COURSE! WE'LL GET MR. PENROSE
IN HERE AND HE'LL MAKE A PASS AT YOU.
- THAT IS A GREAT IDEA.
- THAT IS A ROTTEN IDEA!
- DO YOU THINK HE'LL BITE?
- THAT'S WHAT I'M
AFRAID OF.
- Janet: WHAT?
- WELL,
I'M NOT GONNA STAY ALONE IN
THIS OFFICE WITH THAT OCTOPUS.
IT'S OKAY, CHRISSY. I'M GONNA BE
WAITING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOOR.
- BUT PENROSE WON'T.
- CHRISSY, DON'T WORRY.
I'LL MAKE SURE HIS WIFE COMES
IN BEFORE ANYTHING COMES OFF.
- HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?
- WE FRENCHMEN HAVE
OUR WAYS.
CHARLIE, HERE'S TO A THIRD PHYSICAL
QUARTER WITH IMPROVED EARNINGS
- AND LARGER DIVIDENDS.
- YOU SAID IT.
- I'M NOT FINISHED.
- YES, YOU ARE.
ALL RIGHT, I WANT ALL YOUR
BOOZE. LET'S FORM THREE LINES HERE.
BOURBON ON THE LEFT,
SCOTCH IN THE MIDDLE,
VODKA ON THE RIGHT. COME ON.
DEXTER, I BELIEVE THAT'S
SCOTCH. OVER HERE IN THE MIDDLE.
YOU... COME ON...
SO, MRS. BRADDOCK, DID YOU TAKE CARE OF
THAT LITTLE MATTER WITH YOUR SECRETARY?
OH, MR. PENROSE, CHRISSY IS
SO SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED,
- AND SHE WANTS TO APOLOGIZE.
- OH, SHE DOES?
YES, YES, SHE CERTAINLY DOES.
SHE SAID THAT SHE'D JUST BE WILLING
TO DO ANYTHING TO MAKE AMENDS.
- ANYTHING?
- ANYTHING.
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, THAT POOR GIRL
IS IN MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
ALL ALONE.
LYING THERE.
IN THE DARK.
- REALLY?
- REALLY.
WELL, MAYBE I SHOULD GO IN
AND TALK TO HER. (chuckles)
(cheering, whispering)
- MRS. PENROSE, GOOD NEWS.
- GOOD NEWS?
YES, THEY JUST DELIVERED
CAVIAR, AND IT'S FROM RUSSIA.
- FROM RUSSIA?
- DA, DA.
OH, THEY DO GIVE
DREADFUL MANICURES,
BUT THEY MAKE THE
MOST WONDERFUL CAVIAR.
YES, I SUPPOSE SO. IT'S IN MRS.
BRADDOCK'S OFFICE AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU.
- HOW MUCH IS THERE?
- ENOUGH FOR THREE
OR FOUR PEOPLE.
(screams, laughs)
MR. PENROSE, I AM SO SORRY
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.
DO YOU THINK THERE'S THE TINIEST LITTLE
CHANCE YOU MIGHT CHANGE YOUR MIND?
WELL, CHRISSIE, ONCE
I MAKE A DECISION,
IT TAKES A LOT TO
GET ME TO CHANGE IT.
OH, AND YOU
CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT.
I HAVEN'T HAD GOOD RUSSIAN CAVIAR
SINCE I WAS BACKSTAGE AT THE BALLET.
WELL, WHEN YOU SEE WHAT'S IN
THIS ROOM YOU WILL FLIP YOUR TUTU.
OOH, DEAR, I FORGOT MY VODKA!
NOW WHAT'S ALL THAT
CAVIAR WITHOUT VODKA?
- OH, NO, HANG ON...
- NO, WAIT A MINUTE... OW!
YOU KNOW THAT WAS A TERRIBLE
THING YOUR FRIEND DID TO ME?
I TOLD YOU, HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BLAME
YOU FOR HIS MISTAKE.
- THAT'S RIGHT. IT WAS A MISTAKE.
- WHAT WAS?
- THE ACCIDENT.
- YOU HAVE AWFULLY
FAST HANDS!
WELL, I DO 95 WORDS A MINUTE.
IF YOU'D JUST SLOW UP A LITTLE,
YOU'D NEVER HAVE
TO TYPE AGAIN. (laughs)
JACK, JACK, WOULD YOU HURRY
UP AND GET THAT WOMAN IN HERE?
IT ISN'T EASY. I
GOT MY HANDS FULL.
SO DOES PENROSE.
(laughs) I CAN'T WAIT TO SIT MY
TEETH INTO THAT YUMMY CAVIAR!
- GREAT! WELL IT'S
THIS WAY. OH, GOSH!
- OH, DEAR!
- OH, I'M SO SORRY...
- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
- THERE'S LOT MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
- OH...
- (Mr. Penrose laughing)
- (Chrissy screaming)
MR. PENROSE, YOU
SHOULDN'T DO THIS.
OH, BUT CHRISSY, I'M
ONLY TRYING TO HELP YOU.
WHAT YOU NEED IS AFFECTION
AND UNDERSTANDING.
WHAT I NEED ARE SNEAKERS.
IF YOU DON'T GET HER
IN HERE, CHRISSY'S JOB
IS NOT THE ONLY THING
SHE'S GONNA LOSE.
WAIT, WAIT, IS THAT
CAVIAR CHILLED?
- CHILLED? IT'S WEARING A SWEATER.
- OH!
MR. PENROSE, I DON'T WANT TO.
WHOA NOW, CHRISSY...
CHRISSY, DON'T MAKE ME BEG.
- HERBERT!
- (Chrissy gasps)
- ELOISE.
- (Chrissy sighs)
EXACTLY WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE DOING?!
(stuttering)
UH... UH... HE WAS JUST BEGGING
CHRISSY TO TAKE HER JOB BACK,
WEREN'T YOU, MR. PENROSE?
I WAS? OH, YES, I
WAS! OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING.
OH, PLEASE, PLEASE,
CHRISSY, DON'T QUIT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
CHRISSY, WOULD YOU STAY
IF MR. PENROSE WERE TO
GIVE YOU AN INCREMENT OF 10%?
I'D RATHER HAVE A RAISE.
(laughing) WELL, WELL,
IT'S ALL SETTLED.
NOT QUITE, THERE'S STILL THE
MATTER OF THE CATERING BILL.
OH, YES, I HAPPEN TO HAVE
THE CHECK RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE. SIGN RIGHT
HERE ON THE BOTTOM LINE.
I'LL GET YOU A PEN. RIGHT THERE,
JUST SIGN RIGHT ON THE BOTTOM.
YES, THE CATERER MUST
HAVE SLIPPED MY MIND.
I HOPE YOU LIKED THE FOOD, SIR.
WELL, ALL I HAD WAS
THE CHOCOLATE MOUSSE.
- NOW WHAT ABOUT THE CAVIAR?
- THE... THE CAVIAR?
- YES.
- UH... I... I GUESS HE ATE IT.
HERBERT, YOU'RE ALWAYS GRABBING
THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TO YOU.
(all cheering)
- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- WE GOTTEN PAID.
NOW MR. ROPER, YOU'RE
GONNA GET YOUR $125.
- MAKE IT $126?
- HUH?
SOMEBODY STOLE MY DOLLAR.
OH, STANLEY, STANLEY,
- WASN'T THAT ROMANTIC?
- WHAT?
WHAT JACK DID TO THAT
MAN WHO PINCHED CHRISSY?
BIG DEAL. JACK WAS JUST JEALOUS
BECAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T PINCH HIM.
I THINK IT'S SO EXCITING
WHEN A MAN GETS JEALOUS.
STANLEY, STANLEY,
IF YOU CAME HOME
AND FOUND ANOTHER
MAN MAKING LOVE TO ME
WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO HIM?
- NOTHING.
- NOTHING?!
- WHY NOT?!
- WELL, I'D FIGURED
THE GUY SUFFERED ENOUGH.
(theme music playing)
Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED
IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.