Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 15 - Stanley's Hotline - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

(yawns)

- Mrs. Roper: STANLEY?
- WHAT?

COME ON IN HERE A MINUTE. I
WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

AW, HELEN, NOT BEFORE BREAKFAST.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE
SINK. IT'S STOPPED UP.

WHAT DID YOU BLOCK
IT UP WITH THIS TIME?

NOTHING! I WAS JUST
PUTTING ON MY MAKEUP.



I THINK YOU NEED A SECOND COAT.

AND I THINK YOU NEED
TO REPLACE THAT SINK.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU CAN'T THROW
AWAY A SINK LIKE THAT.

LOOK AT THE WORKMANSHIP.

THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM
LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, STANLEY.

THE CIVIL WAR
CHANGED EVERYTHING.

THE WATER'S NOT EVEN MOVING.

YOU MUST HAVE DROPPED
SOMETHING IN HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE'S
YOUR WEDDING RING?

WHERE IT ALWAYS IS...
SOAKING IN THE RUST REMOVER.

I CAN FIX THIS EASY.

YOU KNOW, THE FIRST THING
THAT A PRO WILL TELL YOU IS,

"CHECK YOUR CLOG,
CHECK YOUR CLOG."

NO, THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE.

NOW, THE SECOND
THING... (groaning)

- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- MY FINGER'S CAUGHT
IN THE DRAIN.

CHRISSY, LINDA, STOP
HOGGING THE BATHROOM.

- IT'S MY TURN NOW.
- Chrissy: RIGHT AWAY, JACK.

JANET GOES AWAY FOR ONE DAY AND
THE WHOLE PLACE FALLS APART. LINDA...

I'M SORRY, JACK. I'M JUST
NOT USED TO YOUR SYSTEM.

IT TAKES TIME TO PUT MY FACE ON.

NOW THAT YOU'VE DONE THAT
COULD I GET IN THERE PLEASE?

THIS IS NOT MY FACE.
IT'S STILL IN HERE.

WAIT A MINUTE...

HEY, I'M LATE. I GOTTA GET
IN THERE. COME ON, GIRLS!

Chrissy: FIVE MORE
MINUTES, JACK.

I'VE TAKEN OFF ALL MY CLOTHES.

I'M STANDING OUT HERE
TOTALLY IN THE NUDE.

IN THAT CASE,
MAKE IT 10 MINUTES.

THAT'S CUTE, CHRISSY. COME ON.
OPEN THE DOOR. I'M LATE. PLEASE?

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

JACK, YOU KNOW,
IT WAS NICE OF YOU

TO INVITE LINDA HERE
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

- SURE. ANYTIME. EXCUSE ME.
- WHILE JANET'S AWAY VISITING
HER FAMILY,

IT REALLY WOULDN'T BE RIGHT IF
YOU AND I WERE STAYING ALONE.

- BOY, DON'T I KNOW THAT...
- IT WAS SO NICE OF LINDA

- TO AGREE TO COME HERE
AND STAY WITH US.
- YEAH, CHRISSY.

- EXCUSE ME...
- WHILE I THINK ABOUT IT,

- SHE HASN'T BEEN
ANY PROBLEM AT ALL.
- I'M IN A HURRY.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?

- TO SAVE
THE BATHROOM FOR LINDA.
- HANG ON. LINDA

THANK YOU, CHRISSY!

OH HEY, LINDA! I HAVE TO SHAVE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SHARE THE BATHROOM TODAY.

OKAY, JACK, COME ON IN.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT
THIS JAM UP. IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

OH IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE
JUST NOT BATHROOM-TRAINED...

FOR THREE PEOPLE, I MEAN.

HUT ONE, HUT TWO, READY DOWN!

WHY DO YOU BRUSH
YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE
A LOT OF BODY IN BACK.

OH IT WORKS, LINDA, IT
WORKS. I'M TELLING YOU.

JACK, REMEMBER WE
HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT.

WHILE I'M STAYING HERE,
THERE IS NO FOOLING AROUND.

- I WAS JUST LOOKING.
- YEAH.

AND IF YOUR EYES WERE
HANDS, YOU'D BE UNDER ARREST.

- (whispers) THANK YOU. - LINDA?

HAVE YOU SEEN MY
NEW EYELINER PENCIL?

- I THINK IT'S IN
THE MEDICINE CHEST.
- OH, THANKS.

CHRISSY, I'M TRYING
TO SHAVE. DO YOU MIND?

WELL, GO AHEAD.

COME ON, JACK!

LOOK, THIS IS PART MY
BATHROOM TOO, YOU KNOW?

THERE JUST ISN'T ROOM
ENOUGH IN THIS MIRROR.

SURE THERE IS. HANG ON.

THAT'S YOURS, THAT'S
YOURS, AND THIS IS MINE.

- OKAY?
- OKAY.

Linda: CAN YOU HAND
ME THAT TOWEL?

- SURE.
- Chrissy: HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU, CHRISSY.

- Jack: WATCH IT!
- (loud clang)

SORRY I YELLED, BUT YOU ALMOST
KNOCKED OVER MY AFTERSHAVE.

- Linda: I DIDN'T SEE IT.
- YOU GIRLS HAVE TO BE
MORE CAREFUL.

THIS IS MY SECRET WEAPON.

- HERE TAKE A WHIFF.
- (both sniff)

DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU
WANNA TEAR OFF MY CLOTHES?

NO, IT MAKES ME WISH WE
HAD SEPARATE BATHROOMS.

(laughs)

I'M GETTING LOW. I GOTTA
BUY SOME MORE TODAY.

UH-UH.

COME ON, NOW. NOBODY BUYS
ANYTHING UNTIL WE PAY THE RENT.

WE'RE ALREADY 10 DAYS
LATE AND WE'RE $50 SHORT.

OH YEAH, WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO ABOUT THAT $50?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK YOUR
LANDLORD FOR AN EXTENSION?

Jack: MR. ROPER?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE'S THE CHEAPEST MAN ALIVE!

I BET HE'S GOT EVERY
DOLLAR HE'S EVER MADE

SEWN INSIDE HIS MATTRESS.

(all laugh)

- MAYBE THAT'S WHY HE DOESN'T
GET ROMANTIC AT NIGHT.
- WHY?

- HE'S AFRAID HE'LL
WRINKLE HIS MONEY.
- (all laugh)

Chrissy: WE NEED
TO FIGURE OUT HOW

WE'RE GONNA GET THAT OTHER $50.

Jack: MAYBE WE DON'T HAVE
TO. I'LL TELL ROPER THAT

I NEED THE $50 TO BUY
SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.

- Chrissy: BUY WHAT?
- Jack: I DON'T KNOW... LIKE A BLENDER.

- Linda: A BLENDER?
- YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM
I NEED TO PRACTICE RECIPES

FOR NEXT MONTH'S COOKING EXAM.

COME ON, JACK. ONLY AN IDIOT
WOULD BELIEVE A STORY LIKE THAT.

- YEAH, LOOK WHO WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
- (all laugh)

- HEY, I'M LATE. I GOTTA RUN.
- ME TOO.

- OH LINDA, YOU SAID
YOU'D PICK UP - YEAH...

- A SALAD
FOR DINNER TONIGHT.
- Linda: RIGHT.

- CHRISSY, YOU PROMISED
YOU'D PICK UP MY LAUNDRY.
- YEAH. RIGHT. WAIT A MINUTE.

HOW COME WE'RE DOING ALL THE
WORK? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA PICK UP?

IF I'M LUCKY, THAT LITTLE
BLONDE IN MY PASTRY CLASS.

JACK, THAT IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND
IN THE OTHER ROOM THERE.

NOT RIGHT NOW. AS LONG
AS SHE'S LIVING WITH US,

SHE'S OFF LIMITS.

OH, I GUESS THAT'S OKAY.

BOY, YOU LEAD A
COMPLICATED LIFE, JACK.

- HEY, THAT'S ME
IN A NUTSHELL.
- (giggles)

MR. ROPER, WHAT
BRINGS YOU UP HERE?

OH NOTHING SPECIAL.
JUST THE RENT.

THE RENT? OF COURSE, THE RENT.

YOU KNOW, THOSE 300 LITTLE
REASONS I LET YOU LIVE HERE.

YEAH, MR. ROPER, I HAVE
A TINY FAVOR TO ASK YOU.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I NEED $50 TO
BUY A BLENDER FOR COOKING SCHOOL.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW
IMPORTANT A BLENDER IS TO A CHEF?

OF COURSE, I DO. AND
YOU'RE VERY LUCKY.

- I AM?
- 'CAUSE I HAVE ONE
WITH ME RIGHT HERE.

- WHAT?
- AND YOU COULD BORROW IT.

- I CAN?
- YEAH.

AND NOW YOU COULD LET
ME HAVE ALL THE RENT, RIGHT?

I CAN, I CAN, I CAN...

SURE, BUT I CAN'T.
I MEAN... WE... WE...

WE HAVE THE RENT MONEY.
IT'S JUST THAT WE DON'T HAVE IT.

- WHERE IS IT?
- WELL, YOU SEE... CAUSE WE...

IT'S... IT'S IN JACK'S
LOCKER AT SCHOOL.

YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY
IN JACK'S LOCKER?

- WHY?!
- I DON'T REMEMBER,
BUT... JACK DOES THOUGH.

WELL... SEE...

IF WE'RE ROBBED AND
THE MONEY ISN'T HERE,

THEN IT WON'T BE
STOLEN. (laughs nervously)

THAT'S GOOD, JACK!

LOOK, THE RENT IS
10 DAYS OVERDUE.

NOW I WANT IT TODAY. IF I DON'T GET
IT TODAY, I'VE GOT SOMEBODY WAITING

WHO WILL PAY MORE
FOR THIS APARTMENT.

YOU MEAN YOU WOULD THROW
US OUT INTO THE STREET?

NO, I'D MOVE YOU TO 305.

- 305, THAT'S SO TINY.
- AND DARK.

YEAH, WITH A VIEW
OF A BRICK WALL.

WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T
BE "VIEWSTERS." (laughs)

"VIEWSTERS"?

WHEN YOU GET THE
RENT, I'M NOT SAYING IF,

I'M SAYING WHEN YOU GET IT,
YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS
COUNTING MY MATTRESS.

(whispers) WHAT IS THIS?

- HI, JACK.
- OH HI, LINDA.

HEY, GREAT! YOU GOT
SOME MONEY FOR YOUR RENT.

YEAH, $2.33.

OH... WHERE'D YOU GET IT?

I RETURNED OUR EMPTY BOTTLES.

I DIDN'T SEE ANY EMPTY BOTTLES.

I EMPTIED THEM.

WELL, HEY, I'M DESPERATE.
WHAT CAN I SAY, LINDA?

JACK, I REALLY FEEL
BAD ABOUT THIS.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALWAYS
WELCOME TO ANYTHING I'VE GOT.

MAYBE LATER, LINDA.
RIGHT NOW I NEED MONEY.

THAT'S WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.

- I WISH I HAD SOME
TO LEND YOU.
- OH...

JACK, LINDA, THIS IS TERRIBLE!

OH, CHRISSY, DON'T WORRY.

YEAH, CHRISSY, WE'LL
GET THE RENT SOMEHOW.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE
RENT. I'VE GOT A WART, LOOK!

OH IS THAT ALL?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "IS THAT
ALL"? I'LL NEVER GET RID OF IT.

SURE YOU WILL, CHRISSY, JUST AS
SOON AS YOU STOP DATING FROGS.

- JACK.
- RIBBIT RIBBIT.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE?

DON'T YOU KNOW
THIS COULD SPREAD?

- I COULD GET THEM
ALL OVER MY BODY!
- EW...

HEY, CHRISSY, I'M ONLY KIDDING.
IT'S JUST ONE LOUSY WART.

LOOK AT ME, I'M ALL LUMPY.

THIS IS GONNA
RUIN MY SOCIAL LIFE.

OH NO, IT WON'T, CHRISSY.
IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

I'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN
TO OTHER GIRLS.

I NEVER THOUGHT IT
WOULD HAPPEN TO ME.

- Jack: IT HARDLY SHOWS.
- Chrissy: NOT YET,
BUT YOU KNOW

WHAT TORTURE IT'S GOING TO BE WATCHING
THIS THING GET BIGGER AND BIGGER?

- THIS IS AWFUL!
- CHRISSY'S GOING
TO HAVE A BABY!

Linda: WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I'M GONNA GET RID OF IT.

- HOW?
- I'LL GO TO THE DOCTOR.

NO, CHRISSY, YOU DON'T
NEED TO GO TO A DOCTOR.

WE CAN GET RID OF IT RIGHT HERE.

- HOW?
- ALL I NEED IS TOE-NAIL
CLIPPERS AND A BAND-AID.

Linda: JACK...

CHRISSY, I HEARD IT WILL GO
AWAY IF YOU RUB IT WITH A POTATO.

A POTATO?! OW!

HELEN!

- HELEN?
- Helen: WHAT?

- COME IN
THE BEDROOM, QUICK!
- OH STANLEY, NOW?!

OH MY GOD, HELEN!

WILL YOU STOP THAT?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMEBODY HAVING A BABY.

IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT BUT
WE COULD GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS!

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?

CHRISSY IS PREGNANT.

- OUR CHRISSY?
- YEAH.

AND SHE WANTS TO GET RID OF IT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

I... I HEARD IT WHEN I WENT
UPSTAIRS TO COLLECT THE RENT.

(sighs)

CHRISSY IS PREGNANT?!

DON'T ACT SO SURPRISED.

KIDS TODAY HAVE A
WARPED SENSE OF VALUES.

THEY THINK THAT SEX IS FUN.

OH, POOR LITTLE CHRISSY.

- I WONDER
WHO THE FATHER IS.
- SOME GUY.

VERY GOOD, STANLEY.

YOU KNOW MORE THAN I THOUGHT.

OH I FEEL SO SORRY
FOR POOR LITTLE CHRISSY.

WILL YOU STOP
WORRYING ABOUT CHRISSY?

I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING
THAT'LL CHEER YOU UP.

YOU DO?

YEAH, COME HERE.

- I FIXED THE SINK.
- OH.

WELL, YOU DON'T
SOUND VERY EXCITED.

YOU FIXED A SINK, STANLEY.

YOU DIDN'T DISCOVER URANIUM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO DO?

I HAD TO CLEAN OUT
THIS WHOLE PIPE.

- AND YOU KNOW WHAT
WAS BLOCKING IT UP?
- WHAT?

YOUR HAIR! I PULLED CLUMPS
OF YOUR HAIR OUT OF THIS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS MY HAIR?!

IF IT WASN'T, SOMEBODY
SHAVED A COLLIE IN HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

I'M GONNA PUT THIS PIPE BACK

AND THEN YOU'LL SEE
HOW A SINK REALLY WORKS.

WELL, IT WON'T WORK
WITH THE PLUG IN IT.

(muffled yelling)

- OH I'M SORRY!
- LOOK WHAT YOU DID! I'M SOAKED!

WELL, I WASN'T THINKING.
I'VE GOT MY MIND ON CHRISSY.

ARE YOU SURE SHE WANTS
TO GET RID OF THE BABY?

WILL YOU BUTT OUT OF THE
TENANTS' AFFAIRS, PLEASE?

I CAN'T! I'M GONNA GO
UPSTAIRS AND TALK TO HER...

IT'S TOO LATE. YOU
KNOW WHAT THEY SAY?

THERE'S NO SENSE LOCKING THE
BARN DOOR AFTER YOU'VE MADE HAY.

CHRISSY, THE BEST THING TO DO:

GO TO THE DOCTOR TOMORROW.
HE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

YEAH, AND WHEN YOU GET
BACK HOME, GO RIGHT UP TO 305.

- Chrissy: WHY?
- (doorbell rings)

BECAUSE ROPER WILL HAVE
THROWN US OUT OF HERE BY THEN.

- YEAH...
- MAYBE EVEN SOONER.

- OH HI, MRS. ROPER.
- OH POOR LITTLE CHRISSY.

OH... OH SHE'S JUST
A BABY HERSELF.

CHRISSY, WE HAVE
SO MUCH TO DISCUSS.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT
YOUR LITTLE VISITOR?

YOUR LITTLE VISITOR?

CHRISSY, DID YOU INVITE SOMEONE
TO DINNER WITHOUT TELLING ME?

- NO.
- LOOK JACK,

WOULD YOU AND LINDA MIND GOING
IN THE OTHER ROOM FOR A MINUTE?

- I WANT TO TALK
TO CHRISSY ALONE.
- Jack: OH SURE.

- LINDA?
- OKAY.

CHRISSY, CHRISSY, I KNOW
ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.

- YOU DO?
- MM-HMM.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN

COUNT ON ME IN
YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

OH THAT'S REALLY SWEET
OF YOU, MRS. ROPER!

I DON'T WANT TO
GET PERSONAL, DEAR,

BUT WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TELL ME HOW THIS HAPPENED?

I DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA.

YOU DON'T?

WELL, MAYBE IT'S FROM
EATING TOO MUCH ITALIAN GOOD.

OH CHRISSY, I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR US TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

WELL, JACK THINKS IT'S A VIRUS.

I BETTER HAVE A
TALK WITH HIM TOO.

I DON'T CARE. ALL I WANT TO
DO IS GET THIS THING OVER WITH,

AND I HOPE IT NEVER
HAPPENS AGAIN.

WELL, THAT'S UP TO YOU, DEAR.

NOW YOU MIGHT BEGIN BY
BEING A LITTLE BIT CAREFUL

ABOUT THE BOYS YOU GO OUT WITH.

YOU THINK ONE OF MY BOYFRIENDS
HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS?

OH MY LORD.

IT'S A MIRACLE THIS NEVER
HAPPENED TO YOU BEFORE.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? ALL
I WANT TO DO IS GET RID OF IT.

CHRISSY... I WANT
YOU TO KEEP IT.

WHY? IT'LL JUST GET BIGGER.

OF COURSE IT WILL!

MY AUNT HAD ONE
THAT WEIGHT 9 1/2 LBS.!

REALLY?!

AND MY SISTER HAD ONE
THAT WEIGHED OVER 10 LBS.

NO...

HERS IS AT HARVARD
MEDICAL SCHOOL NOW.

I'LL BET IT IS.

CHRISSY, DEAR,
JUST WAIT ONE YEAR.

IF YOU STILL FEEL THE SAME WAY,
YOU COULD ALWAYS GIVE IT AWAY.

WHO'D WANT A THING LIKE THAT?

LOTS OF PEOPLE! CHRISSY, THERE'S A
LONG LIST OF PEOPLE WAITING TO ADOPT.

- ADOPT? SOMEBODY WANTS
TO ADOPT MY WART?
- YES, OF COURSE!

WHY, PEOPLE ARE JUST STANDING
IN LINE WAITING TO ADOPT YOUR...

(stammers) WART?

DID YOU SAY WART?

YEAH, SEE?

(laughing)

YOU MEAN THAT...
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

YEAH, WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS?

(laughing)

I THOUGHT YOU WERE PREGNANT!

PREGNANT? UNTIL I GET RID OF
THIS THING I CAN'T EVEN GET A DATE.

HEY, JACK, LINDA, YOU
CAN COME OUT NOW.

(continues laughing)
YOU GOTTA...

STANL...

THERE...

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

STANLEY TOLD ME
CHRISSY WAS PREGNANT!

- PREGNANT?!
- YEAH.

- LITTLE CHRISSY?
- YEAH.

- Jack: OUR INNOCENT
LITTLE CHRISSY?
- Helen: YEAH.

(All laugh)

WHO'S THE GUY? I'LL KILL HIM.

JACK, IT WAS A MISTAKE. THEY
THOUGHT MY WART WAS A BABY.

WHAT?!

WHAT MADE MR. ROPER THINK
THAT CHRISSY WAS PREGNANT?

WELL, HE SAID THAT
HE HEARD IT UP HERE.

- FROM US?
- YEAH, YEAH.

HE JUST TOLD ME. HE
CAME OUT OF THE BATHROOM

WHERE WE WAS FIXING THE DRAIN
AND HE SAID, "CHRISSY'S PREGNANT."

- FIXING THE DRAIN?
- YEAH, JACK, IT WAS SO FUNNY!

YOU KNOW, I EMPTIED THE
WATER ALL OVER HIS FACE.

SEE, I DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD TAKEN
OUT THAT BIG PIPE UNDERNEATH THE SINK.

- SO I WENT OVER...
- WAIT A SECOND,

THAT BIG PIPE CONNECTS TO THE
ONE DIRECTLY IN OUR BATHROOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

YOU MEAN MR. ROPER HAS BEEN
LISTENING TO US THROUGH THE PIPE?

EAVESDROPPING? NAH...

EVEN STANLEY WOULDN'T
DO A ROTTEN THINK LIKE THAT.

- WOULD HE?
- Jack: WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT EXPLAINS HOW HE KNEW ABOUT
OUR BLENDER EXCUSE THIS MORNING.

OH AND HOW HE HIDES
HIS MONEY IN HIS MATTRESS.

IS THAT WHERE HE KEEPS IT?

- EAVESDROPPING? OF ALL THE ROTTEN...
- WAIT A MINUTE, JACK.

- THERE'S NO RESPECT OF PRIVACY.
- WE COULD BE BEING UNFAIR.

WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE
THAT HE WAS EAVESDROPPING.

WELL, THERE'S ONE
WAY OF FINDING OUT.

CHRISSY, GET INTO THE BATHROOM.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.

NEITHER DO I. JUST GET IN
THERE AND TALK TO THE SINK.

WHAT DO I SAY TO A SINK?

NO, JUST TALK INTO THE SINK.

WHATEVER I SAY, YOU ANSWER
"THAT'S WONDERFUL," OKAY?

JUST TRUST ME.

Mrs. Roper: COME ON, COME ON.

- SHH!
- HI, CHRISSY!

CHRISSY, I'M SO GLAD
YOU HAD THAT LONG TALK

WITH MRS. ROPER ABOUT YOUR BABY.

ISN'T THAT NICE?

WELL, ISN'T IT?

- THAT'S WONDERFUL!
- OH YES.

SHE'S SUCH A GOOD
FRIEND, ISN'T IT GREAT?

THAT'S WONDERFUL!

SHE'S SO UNDERSTANDING...
OW! THAT HURTS!

- THAT'S WONDERFUL!
- CHRISSY.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING
WILL BE OKAY NOW

THAT MRS. ROPER HAS OFFERED

TO PAY FOR ALL OF
THE BABY EXPENSES...

THE HOSPITAL, THE DOCTOR,
THE PRIVATE NURSES,

AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!

SHE SAID SHE'D BE WILLING TO
SPEND EVERY PENNY THEY'VE GOT.

Both: THAT'S WONDERFUL!

(all laughing)

OH JACK, THAT WAS GREAT!

YOU GUYS REALLY HAVE A
LOT OF FUN IN THIS BUILDING.

I WONDER IF MR. ROPER
WAS LISTENING.

NAH... YOU KNOW, STANLEY
DOES HAVE SOME CLASS.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!

BUT NOT MUCH.

HEY, DOCTORS AND HOSPITALS
COST A FORTUNE THESE DAYS.

LISTEN, IF YOU NEED MY ADVICE,
I'LL BE GLAD TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

WHY, MR. ROPER, WHAT ON
EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- CHRISSY'S BABY.
- WHERE DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT THAT?

THROUGH THE PIPE. I KNOW
A WONDERFUL DOCTOR...

WHAT PIPE IS THAT, MR. ROPER?

THE PIPE IN THE
BATHROOM. ANYWAY...

SO YOU WERE EAVESDROPPING!
HOW COULD YOU?!

WELL...

- THAT'S ILLEGAL, MR. ROPER.
- Mr. Roper: IT IS?

YEAH, ISN'T THAT
LIKE WIRE-TAPPING?

IT'S WORSE! IT'S PIPE-TAPPING!

- I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING...
- THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS, MR. ROPER.

- YOU VIOLATED
THE CONSTITUTION.
- I DID?

YES, THERE IS NOTHING MORE
SACRED THAN A MAN'S PLUMBING.

- YOU VIOLATED
THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS!
- AND THE BABY'S CIVIL RIGHTS.

YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, STANLEY, IF
THEY DECIDE TO TAKE YOU TO COURT.

- BIG TROUBLE.
- NOW YOU BETTER TELL THEM
YOU'RE SORRY.

OKAY. LISTEN, I'M
REALLY VERY SORRY.

AND YOU'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

AND I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

AND YOU'LL TAKE $50
OFF THIS MONTH'S RENT.

AND I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
FORGET THE 50 BUCKS.

- OH THAT'S GREAT!
- OKAY, LET'S GO HOME NOW.

YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH
DAMAGE FOR ONE DAY. COME ON.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

- WHAT ABOUT THE BABY?
- THERE IS NO BABY!

YOU GOT THE WHOLE
STORY ALL MIXED UP.

- NOW COME ON, STANLEY.
- WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE.

IF THERE'S NO BABY, WHAT WAS
CHRISSY TRYING TO GET RID OF?

A WART.

A WART?

YEAH, A WART, BUT WE'VE DECIDED
TO KEEP IT AND NAME IT AFTER YOU.

ONCE I GET THIS
PIPE BACK IN HERE,

YOU'LL GET ALL
YOUR PRIVACY BACK.

- ARE YOU SURE, MR. ROPER?
- DEFINITELY.

- CHRISSY?
- YES, MR. ROPER?

WHEN I KNOCK THREE TIMES,
START SINGING SOMETHING.

- WHAT SHALL I SING?
- IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHAT YOU SING.

WE'RE NOT GONNA HEAR IT ANYWAY.

YOU'LL SEE. THIS IS GONNA BE
COMPLETELY SOUNDPROOF NOW.

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

OKAY... NOW... JUST LISTEN.

Chrissy: ♪ RAINDROPS
KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD ♪

♪ THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT MY EYES

♪ WILL SOON BE TURNING RED... ♪

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.