Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Older Woman - full transcript

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♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
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♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
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♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

- I DON'T KNOW, MY DEAR.
- I WANT TO PROPOSE
A TOAST NOW:

TO AUNT MARTHA'S
HAPPINESS, TO YOUR WEDDING.

- HERE'S TO YOU, MOTHER.
- OH THANK YOU, YOU'RE ALL
SO SWEET.

NOW, STANLEY, WHY DON'T
YOU SAY A FEW NICE WORDS?

OKAY... UM...

HERE'S TO THE WINE
AND HERE'S TO THE GLASS.

- AND HERE'S TO THE LADY WITH THE...
- STANLEY!



- WITH A LOT OF CLASS.
- Aunt Martha: OH!

COULDN'T YOU HAVE
JUST WISHED HER LUCK?

YOU'RE SO RIGHT, HELEN.

I'VE ALREADY BURIED
FOUR HUSBANDS,

SO WHO COULD USE
MORE LUCK THAN I?

YOUR NEXT HUSBAND.

WELL THEN, LET'S DRINK TO HIM!

All: CHEERS! HERE, HERE!

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT. I WAS
SUPPOSED TO CHECK ABOUT MY FITTING.

OH I'LL CALL THE
DRESSMAKER FOR YOU, MOM.

OOH DOES ANYBODY HAVE A DIME?

- OH WAIT A MINUTE.
- LET'S SEE.

I SAW ONE HERE A MINUTE AGO.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WENT.

STANLEY!

- OH I'M SOR...
- Women: OH!

THANK YOU.

(sighs)

I WAS SAVING IT FOR A TIP.

LOOK, AUNT MARTHA, TO GET
BACK TO YOUR WEDDING DRESS.

NOW I THINK THIS: I THINK THAT

TO HECK WITH CONVENTION, IF YOU
WANT TO WEAR WHITE FOR YOUR WEDDING,

- YOU SHOULD WEAR WHITE.
- OH NO.

WHITE IS FOR A NEW BRIDE.
YOU KNOW, PURE, UNTOUCHED.

I DON'T THINK IT WOULD
BE RIGHT FOR ME.

IT'D BE PERFECT FOR ME.

- Man: HEY, HOW ARE
YOU DOING, MAN?
- OH HEY! THERE'S JACK.

JACK, COULD YOU COME
OVER HERE A MINUTE?

- I WANT YOU
TO MEET SOMEONE.
- SURE. HI.

JACK, THIS IS MY AUNT
MARTHA FROM SEATTLE.

THIS IS JACK TRIPPER.
HE LIVES IN OUR BUILDING.

- OH!
- NICE TO MEET YOU.

MR. ROPER, YOU MUST FEEL GOOD

ENTERTAINING TWO
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

(Both giggle)

- WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US?
- AND MAKE IT THREE?

Mrs. Roper: WHY DON'T YOU
GO GET US SOME MORE WINE?

JACK, YOU MUST BE LONELY WITH
THE GIRLS AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

THANK YOU, BUT I HAVE SOME FRIENDS
OVER THERE I HAVEN'T SEEN IN A LONG TIME.

NICE MEETING YOU. BYE-BYE.

Both: OH!

- I'M SORRY.
- OH THIS IS MY COUSIN
BARBARA, JACK.

THIS IS JACK TRIPPER.

- REMEMBER I TOLD YOU
ABOUT HIM?
- OH YES!

- YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LIVES
WITH THE TWO GIRLS.
- THAT'S ME.

I THINK THEY'RE VERY LUCKY TO HAVE
A MAN AROUND TO DO THE COOKING.

YEAH, I'M ALSO THERE
FOR PROTECTION.

OH REALLY, WHAT
ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

- (Both laugh)
- WOULD YOU LIKE
TO JOIN US?

- OH, I'D BE HAPPY TO.
- GOOD.

- WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?
- FRIENDS?

OH WE'RE NOT THAT FRIENDLY.

OH MOTHER, THE DRESSMAKER NEEDS TO
SEE YOU RIGHT AWAY FOR ANOTHER FITTING.

OH JUST WHEN WE WERE
HAVING SO MUCH FUN.

I'LL DRIVE YOU
THERE, AUNT MARTHA.

ALL RIGHT, DEAR. THANK YOU.

WHERE'S EVERYBODY GOING?

- WE HAVE TO DRIVE AUNT MARTHA
TO THE DRESSMAKER'S.
- YES.

WHAT ABOUT THE WINE? IT'S
VERY EXPENSIVE, YOU KNOW.

NOW BE A BIG SPENDER FOR
ONCE, STANLEY. LEAVE IT FOR THEM.

OH JACK, I'M TAKING
EVERYONE TO DINNER TONIGHT.

SINCE YOU'RE ALONE,
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN US.

- OH I COULDN'T.
- OF COURSE YOU COULD.

OF COURSE I COULD.

GOOD. SEE YA LATER.

- BYE, MOTHER.
- BYE-BYE.

OH THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, MR. ROPER.

JOE... GIVE THE CHECK TO HIM.

WELL...

- VERY WELL, THANK YOU.
- (Both chuckle)

- WHAT DO YOU DO, JACK?
- HMM? MM...

I'M STUDYING TO BE A CHEF.

OH WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

- DO YOU LIKE TO COOK?
- NO, I LIKE TO EAT.

- OH...
- WOULD YOU COOK
FOR ME SOMETIME?

UH, I'D LOVE TO COOK
WITH YOU... FOR YOU.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, BARBARA? TELL
ME WHAT YOU... NO, DON'T TELL ME.

LET ME GUESS.

YOU ARE A FORMER MISS AMERICA?

- NO.
- THE PRESENT
MISS AMERICA?

- NO...
- NO, I GOT IT. YOU'RE A MODEL.

- CLOSE!
- WHAT?

I'M AN ARCHAEOLOGIST.

- NO...
- YES, WHY NOT?

NO, ARCHAEOLOGISTS
ARE OLD MEN WITH BEARDS.

OH COME ON. WHERE
DID YOU GET THAT IDEA?

"THE MUMMY'S TOMB." I
SAW THAT SEVEN TIMES.

ALSO "THE RETURN OF THE
MUMMY," "THE MUMMY'S CURSE,"

AND... WHO COULD FORGET...
"MUMMY AND PA KETTLE."

I SAW THOSE FROM THE BEGINNING.

OKAY, OKAY, YOU GOT ME.

- I'LL START GROWING
A BEARD TOMORROW.
- OH NO.

- YOU'RE AN ARCHAEOLOGIST?
- YEAH.

- ARE YOU DIGGING
ANYTHING NOW?
- YES, YOU.

OH GOD, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELL, KEEP DIGGING.

ACTUALLY, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF
A BOOK ABOUT HOWARD CARTER...

THE MAN WHO DISCOVERED
KING TUT'S TOMB.

OH THAT HOWARD COR... OH
YEAH, SURE, HOWIE. I KNOW HIM.

IT MUST BE A VERY
INTERESTING BOOK.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T
FINISHED WRITING IT YET.

WRITE? NO KIDDING,
YOU'RE WRITING A BOOK?!

NO KIDDING, I'M WRITING A BOOK.

- HOW LONG WILL
YOU BE IN TOWN?
- FOR A FEW DAYS.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE, SO WILL I.

WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME A
CRASH COURSE IN ARCHAEOLOGY?

- WELL, I SUPPOSE WE COULD
GO TO A COUPLE OF MUSEUMS.
- YEAH.

- TOO BAD THE TUT EXHIBIT
ISN'T STILL IN TOWN.
- DON'T WORRY.

I SAW THAT. YEAH, I WENT IN,
CHANGED THE BANDAGES, AND LEFT.

BOY THAT LITTLE KID MUST HAVE
BEEN IN SOME ACCIDENT. HE WAS...

- MAYBE THE MUSEUM ISN'T
SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
- I KNOW.

TELL ME, WHAT WOULD
YOU REALLY LIKE TO DO?

(chuckling)

WELL... THE WEATHER'S TURNED.
DO YOU LIKE SURFING AT ALL?

- I LOVE SURFING!
- DO YOU?

- YES!
- OH GREAT!

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE
BEACH AND MAKE SOME WAVES.

ALL RIGHT, YES.

- OH BOY.
- (sighs)

WELL, HERE WE ARE, HOME AGAIN.

I WAS HOPING YOU
WEREN'T GONNA SAY THAT.

- WHY?
- BECAUSE, CHRISSY,

THAT'S WHAT
EVERYBODY ALWAYS SAYS.

DO YOU KNOW WHEN WE
USED TO TAKE VACATIONS?

WE'D COME HOME, WALK
THROUGH THE DOOR.

MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS
SAY, "HERE WE ARE, HOME AGAIN."

I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR
MOTHER USED TO LIVE HERE.

CHRISSY, COME ON. I'M
TALKING ABOUT WHEN I WAS A KID.

- YOUR MOTHER LIVED HERE WHEN YOU WERE...
- CHRISSY!

OH LARRY, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

- THANKS FOR
BRINGING UP THE BAGS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- CHRISSY, LET ME
ASK YOU SOMETHING.
- HMM?

HOW COME YOUR BAG IS
TWICE AS HEAVY AS JANET'S?

'CAUSE MY BAG IS
SMALLER THAN HERS.

SHOULD I ASK? WHY NOT?

- WHAT?!
- BECAUSE MY BAG
IS SMALLER.

I COULD BARELY FIT ALL MY CLOTHES
INTO IT AND THEY ALL GET WRINKLED.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER YOUR
CLOTHES GET WRINKLED OR NOT,

THAT WOULDN'T MAKE
YOUR BAG ANY HEAVIER.

OF COURSE, IT MATTERS BECAUSE
IF MY CLOTHES DIDN'T GET WRINKLED,

- I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO CARRY THIS IRON.
- OH.

- I SEE.
- Janet: YOU ASKED.

CHRISSY, YOU CAME
HOME JUST IN TIME.

YOU WANNA GO WITH ME
TO THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL?

OH I'M SORRY, LARRY.
I MAKE IT A RULE

NEVER TO DATE ANYONE WHO
LIVES IN THE SAME BUILDING.

HEY, COME ON. RULES
ARE MADE TO BE BROKEN.

- AND SO ARE ARMS.
- (grunts)

HEY, IF IT ISN'T MY
LONG-LOST ROOMMATES!

- GOOD TO SEE YOU, CHRISSY!
- HI, JACK!

AND JANET, OH YOU NEED A SHAVE.

- SHE'S CHANGED!
- GEE, YOU'RE
IN A GOOD MOOD.

- OH I AM, I REALLY... - JACK!

- THERE SHE IS,
LITTLE JANET!
- HI, HI, HI!

- HOW ARE YOU?
- I'M OKAY.

- I FEEL TERRIFIC.
- GOOD!

THINGS COULD BE
BETTER. LISTEN...

- I MET THIS
FANTASTIC WOMAN!
- Larry: OH.

- SHE'S REALLY DIFFERENT.
- OH BOY.

THAT'S THE SAME THING YOU SAY
EVERY TIME YOU MEET A NEW GIRL.

AH, BUT THIS TIME IT'S TRUE.

AND TO BEGIN WITH,
SHE'S NOT A GIRL.

SHE'S A WOMAN.

- A WOMAN?
- SHE'S ALL WOMAN.

OH CHRISSY, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

SHE'S WITTY. SHE'S INTELLIGENT,
AND SHE'S AN ARCHAEOLOGIST.

- AN ARCHAEOLOGIST, YEAH?
- YEAH.

WHERE'D YOU DIG
HER UP? (snorting loudly)

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
JUMP ON HER BONES? (laughing)

(all laugh)

NO, SHE SPENT 10 YEARS IN EGYPT,

AND SHE'S WRITING A BOOK ON IT.

SHE'S AN AUTHORITY
ON ANCIENT PEOPLES.

OH THAT'S NICE. SHE
WORKS WITH SENIOR CITIZENS.

WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND, JACK.

JUST HOW OLD IS THIS WOMAN?

- I DON'T KNOW.
- 30?

- COME ON, LARRY.
- 35?

- 40?
- WOULD YOU GET OFF...

WHAT, AM I GETTING WARM?

SO SHE'S OLDER THAN I AM.

- SO WHAT?
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES AGE MAKE?
- YEAH, LARRY,

IF JACK LIKES HER AND SHE LIKES
HIM, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

I GUESS IF YOU CAN'T CUT
IT WITH OUR GENERATION,

MAYBE AN OLDER WOMAN
DOES MAKE SENSE. TAKE IT EASY.

♪ JUST A GIGOLO. ♪

OH, LARRY!

JUST HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

NOW TELL ME, WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT AGAINST OLDER WOMEN?

NOTHING. MY MOTHER'S
AN OLDER WOMAN,

BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO DATE HER.

HERE WE GO, GUYS. THE OLD
DOUBLE STANDARD ONCE AGAIN.

I SUPPOSE YOU THINK IT'S JUST
TERRIBLE FOR AN OLDER WOMAN,

- BUT I BET YOU THINK
IT'S OKAY FOR AN OLD MAN.
- NO,

I WOULDN'T DATE AN
OLD MAN EITHER. (chuckles)

- LARRY...
- HE IS SUCH A HYPOCRITE!

OH FORGET HIM, JACK. JUST FORGET
ALL ABOUT HIM AND TELL US ABOUT HER.

- YEAH.
- NOW, HOW'D YOU MEET HER?

- SHE'S A RELATIVE
OF THE ROPERS.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- NO...
- COME ON, JACK, DOES ROPER KNOW?

JANET, DON'T BE SILLY. OF COURSE
MR. ROPER KNOWS HIS OWN RELATIVES.

- CHRISSY!
- OH LOOK AT THE TIME.

I'M LATE. I GOTTA RUN.

I'LL JUST GET... I
GOTTA TAKE A SHOWER.

OKAY, JACK, BUT LISTEN,
WHATEVER HAPPENS,

- CHRISSY AND I, WE'RE
WITH YOU ALL THE WAY.
- YEAH.

OH GREAT, SHOULD WE ALL
GET UNDRESSED TOGETHER?

GET IN THERE!

I DON'T BELIEVE HIM.

BOY, DO YOU THINK
JACK'S SERIOUS?

OH CHRISSY, WHO KNOWS?

HE'S NEVER DATED A GIRL
WHO'S WRITTEN A BOOK.

CHRISSY, HE'S NEVER DATED
A GIRL WHO'S READ A BOOK.

- (doorbell rings)
- I'LL GET IT.

LISTEN, I ONLY KNOW ONE THING:

IF TWO PEOPLE CARE ABOUT EACH
OTHER, THEN AGE DOESN'T MATTER.

- OH HELLO.
- HI.

- IS JACK HOME?
- OH YES, HE'S IN...

HE... HE... (stammering)

- HE'S TAKING A SHOWER.
- OH.

WELL, HE LEFT HIS SWIMMING
TRUNKS DOWNSTAIRS.

OH I'M SORRY. YOU
DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

- I'M MRS. ROPER'S AUNT.
- HER AUNT?

- AND YOU MUST BE JANET.
- JANET, YEAH.

AND YOU'RE CHRISSY. OH JACK
HAS TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU.

HE'S TOLD US ALL ABOUT YOU TOO.

OH HE DID? WELL, HE'S
SUCH A WONDERFUL BOY.

AT DINNER THE OTHER EVENING, I
FOUND HIM COMPLETELY IRRESISTIBLE.

- YOU DID?
- (sighs) YES,

YOU KNOW, IN A WAY, HE
REMINDS ME OF MY FIRST HUSBAND.

YOUR FIRST HUSBAND?

YES, AND ALSO MY THIRD.

AND ALSO MY THIRD.

(stammering) I-I...

I SUPPOSE THAT JACK KNOWS
ALL ABOUT THESE HUSBANDS?

OH YES, HE KIDDED ME ABOUT IT.

- HE DID?
- OH YES, HE'S
SUCH A TEASE.

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT HIM...
HE MAKES ME FEEL SO YOUNG.

WHO WOULDN'T?

OH NOTHING... SHE MUMBLES.

OH... I SEE, I'VE GOT TO RUN.

THERE'S SO MANY THINGS TO DO
WHEN YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

BYE!

MARRIED?

CHRISSY, DID THAT
WOMAN SAY MARRIED?

IS JACK GONNA MARRY HER?

WELL, HE DID SAY
SHE WAS DIFFERENT.

THIS IS TERRIBLE, CHRISSY!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?

WELL, MAYBE SHE
LIED ABOUT HER AGE.

COME ON, CHRISSY. THERE'S
GOTTA BE 40 YEARS BETWEEN THEM!

JACK'S JUST A KID. HE'S A BABY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAID
BEFORE, "AGE ISN'T IMPORTANT."

PLEASE, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT AGE... NOT OLD AGE!

OH BOY, DO I FEEL TERRIFIC.

IT'S AMAZING WHAT A SHOWER COULD
DO. IT MAKES YOU FEEL YEARS YOUNGER.

I WOULDN'T TAKE TOO
MANY OF THEM, JACK.

WHAT?

- AHEM, JACK...
- YEAH?

YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND
WAS JUST HERE.

- SHE WAS HERE?
- SHE WAS HERE.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
ISN'T SHE SOMETHING ELSE?

SHE'S SOMETHING ELSE, ALL RIGHT.

I GUESS IT'S PRETTY EASY TO SEE
WHY I WAS ATTRACTED TO HER, HUH?

WELL, I...

SHE BROUGHT BACK
YOUR BATHING TRUNKS.

OH YEAH, WE WENT
SURFING ALL WEEKEND.

SURFING?

- YOU WENT SURFING WITH HER?
- OH YEAH, SHE'S IN
TERRIFIC SHAPE,

AND I DON'T JUST
MEAN IN A BIKINI.

BOY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
THE PEOPLE ON THE BEACH.

SHE SURE MADE SOME HEADS TURN.

I CAN IMAGINE.

HEY GIRLS, DON'T
GET THE WRONG IDEA.

I MEAN, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS
NOT EXACTLY WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE.

- IT ISN'T?
- NO, IT'S NOT ALL SEX.

GIRLS, I GOT A COUPLE
OF ERRANDS TO RUN,

THEN I'M MEETING HER AT
THE REGAL BEAGLE AT 6:30.

TALK TO YOU LATER,
BYE-BYE... OH...

OH HI, JACK. LISTEN,
I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

LOOK, I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT
THE GIRLS WERE SAYING BEFORE,

AND THEY'RE RIGHT.
AGE DOESN'T MATTER

AS LONG AS YOU TWO
REALLY DIG EACH OTHER.

- OH LARRY, THANK YOU.
- OKAY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE
THIS. I GOTTA RUN. I'M LATE.

CATCH YA LATER.

WAS THAT OKAY? AM I FORGIVEN?

- ARE YOU NUTS?
- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

WHOA, WHOA, HANG ON A
SECOND. I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

- LARRY, WE HAVE JUST MET
JACK'S NEW GIRLFRIEND.
- YEAH?

- REMEMBER JACK SAID
SHE WAS OLDER?
- YEAH.

WELL, SHE'S A LOT
OLDER THAN THAT.

- REALLY?
- REALLY.

- REALLY.
- WOW.

MAYBE SHE'S THE TYPE OF WOMAN
WHO GETS TURNED ON BY YOUNG GUYS.

- YOU THINK SO?
- YEAH.

(gasps) OOH, OOH LARRY,

WELL, IF THAT'S TRUE,

THEN ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS
FIND A YOUNG GUY TO TURN HER ON

AND JACK COULD SEE HER FOR
THE KIND OF WOMAN SHE REALLY IS.

- YEAH.
- GREAT.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING
TO FIND A YOUNG GUY WHO'S

GOOD-LOOKING,
CHARMING, SOPHISTICATED...

AND A LOT OF LAUGHS?

OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

OKAY, LARRY, ALL
RIGHT, YOU'RE ON.

CHRISSY, IT'LL BE OKAY.

GO DOWN TO THE ROPERS
AND GET THAT WOMAN UP HERE.

YEAH AND THEN, YOU JUST LEAVE
EVERYTHING TO "LARRY LOVE-LIPS."

OH BOY, LARRY. THIS
IS SO NICE OF YOU.

- HEY, I'M A FRIEND,
REMEMBER?
- YEAH.

AND I'M DOING THIS
FOR JACK. (chuckles)

- SHE'S HERE!
- OH.

- LARRY?
- YEAH?

GO GET HER!

(chuckles)

♪ JUST A GIGOLO... ♪

I... UH... (stammering)

EXCUSE ME.

LARRY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING BACK IN HERE?

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
WITHOUT SAYING GOOD BYE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU CAN'T QUIT NOW!

WATCH ME.

- LARRY!
- OKAY, IT'S OFF
FOR TOMORROW NIGHT!

WHAT'S OFF?

CHRISSY HERE, SHE
DECIDED SHE WAS

GONNA GO OUT WITH YOU ANYWAY.

- YOU DID?
- I DID?

CHRISSY, YOU
KIDDER. (nervous laughter)

OH YEAH... OF COURSE, NOW
SEE, IT'S ALL DIFFERENT, THOUGH.

IT'S OFF BECAUSE
CHRISSY'S NOT ABOUT TO GO

OUT WITH A GUY WHO
DESERTS HIS BEST FRIEND.

WELL, MAYBE I WAS
A LITTLE BIT HASTY.

YEAH, LARRY, YOU WERE
JUST A LITTLE BIT HASTY.

- ALL RIGHT.
- THERE YOU GO.

HI.

HI.

I'M LARRY.

OH WELL, HOW DO YOU DO?

- I'M MARTHA.
- MARTHA,

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NAME.

REMINDS ONE OF VINEYARDS.

- A LITTLE WINE?
- YES, THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I JUST COULDN'T
HELP BUT NOTICE YOUR PERFUME.

IT'S SO MYSTERIOUS,
SO ENCHANTING...

SO SENSUAL...

- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
- BENGAY.

YOU KNOW, I RUB IT
ON MY SHOULDERS.

- RIGHT.
- IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT
WORKS FOR MY RHEUMATISM.

WELL, IT'S SO... YOU.

- YOUR HEALTH.
- OH THANK YOU.

UM...

I UNDERSTOOD THAT
JANET WANTED TO SEE ME.

JANET. HA HA.

YEAH, SHE'S A NICE LITTLE
GIRL FOR SOMEONE HER AGE.

YOUNG MAN, JUST EXACTLY
WHAT IS IT YOU'RE DOING?

NOW WHY FIGHT IT, MARTHA?

I KNEW FROM THE
MINUTE I SET EYES ON YOU,

- THERE WAS SOMETHING
BETWEEN US.
- OH, OH...

HEAVENS TO BETSY! (gasps)

COME ON, WE'RE GONNA
BE LATE FOR DINNER.

HOW COULD YOU TALK ABOUT
DINNER AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

- WHY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?!

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SOME
YOUNG MAN TRIED TO SEDUCE YOU?

SOMEONE TRIED TO SEDUCE YOU?

I HOPE YOU GOT HIS
NAME AND NUMBER.

IT'S THIS! THIS IS THE
OBJECT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

- HE TRIED TO SEDUCE ME!
- LARRY?!

I'M SORRY. IT WAS ALL A MISTAKE.

- YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME.
- LET ME OUT OF HERE.

NO, NO, YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHAT...

YOU'RE WEIRD!

- OH BOY, LARRY!
- OH THANKS!

THANKS FOR COMING TO THE RESCUE!

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT US TO DO?

- YOU COULD HAVE...
- LARRY, COME ON!

OKAY, LARRY, I'M SORRY.

SORRY? DON'T YOU HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY?

- YES.
- WHAT?

OUR DATE'S OFF.

THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY
WEEKEND. IT'S BEEN FUN.

- DO YOU HAVE
TO LEAVE TOMORROW?
- YES.

RIGHT AFTER MY MOTHER'S WEDDING,

IT'S BACK TO
SEATTLE AND MY BOOK.

ONE OF THESE DAYS WHEN
YOU IN THE NOBEL PRIZE...

THEY DON'T GIVE A NOBEL
PRIZE FOR ARCHAEOLOGY.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT SURFING.

(Both chuckle)

- OH I'VE REALLY
ENJOYED IT.
- ME TOO.

Janet: CHRISSY, CHRISSY, PLEASE!

WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU SURE
WE'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING?

YES, WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT
WHY HE'S MARRYING THAT WOMAN,

AND WHY HE'S
KEEPING IT A SECRET.

- AND...
- WHO THAT IS!

- JACK!
- (squeals) HI!

OH THESE ARE THE GIRLS.
THESE ARE MY ROOMMATES.

- OH...
- YOU KNOW... WE KNOW EVERYTHING!

JACK, COULD WE PLEASE
SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE?

WELL, SURE. EXCUSE ME, BARBARA.

- TRY NOT TO MISS ME TOO MUCH.
- IT'LL BE A PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU KNEW
WHAT JACK IS GOING TO DO,

YOU WOULDN'T BE
DOING WHAT YOU JUST DID.

- ALL RIGHT,
WHAT'S UP, LADIES?
- JACK, COME ON.

THINK OF WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.

(laughs) I AM?

DON'T ACT DUMB!

I'M NOT ACTING DUMB!

(scoffs) I OUGHTA KNOW WHEN
SOMEBODY'S ACTING DUMB.

LOOK, LADIES, I AM NOT
GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW,

BUT I DO HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.

THANK YOU VERY
MUCH AND GOOD BYE.

JACK, WE ARE NOT QUITTING TILL
WE GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS!

EXCUSE ME, WHAT
IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

FOR SOME REASON, THEY
THINK I'M GETTING MARRIED.

- REALLY? YOU NEVER
TOLD ME.
- I KNOW.

I'M SURPRISED HE EVEN
TOLD HIS BRIDE MARTHA.

- MARTHA?
- THAT'S OUR LANDLADY'S
POOR OLD AUNT.

- THAT'S MY MOTHER!
- (Both gasp)

- YOUR MOTHER?
- SHAME ON YOU, JACK!

YOU WERE JUST KISSING
YOUR STEPDAUGHTER!

WAIT, WAIT, MY MOTHER IS
GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW,

BUT NOT TO JACK.

YOU MEAN, SHE'S
DOUBLE-CROSSING HIM!

- YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND. BARBARA...
- I THINK I CAN MAKE THIS CLEAR.

NO, I THINK MAYBE I SHOULD
TAKE CARE OF THIS ONE.

CHRISSY, YOU SEE
WHAT HAPPENED WAS...

WHAT HAPPENED WAS WE THOUGHT
BARBARA'S MOTHER WAS BARBARA.

- YEAH...
- I THINK
SHE'S GOT IT.

OF COURSE, I GOT IT. I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
EVERY TEENY LITTLE THING EXPLAINED TO ME.

- BARBARA, I HOPE YOUR MOTHER
HAS A VERY NICE WEDDING.
- OH THANK YOU.

BUT AFTER SHE'S MARRIED, I DON'T THINK
SHE OUGHT TO GO SURFING WITH JACK ANYMORE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LAUGH

WHEN THE MINISTER TOLD
THE GROOM TO KISS THE BRIDE.

I ONLY LAUGHED WHEN HE HAD TO
POINT THE GROOM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

(laughs)

WELL, I'D LIKE TO
PROPOSE ANOTHER TOAST:

TO AUNT MARTHA'S HAPPINESS.

THAT POOR WOMAN
HAS HAD A LOT OF GRIEF.

NO WONDER, SHE'S HAD
A LOT OF MARRIAGES.

YOU COULD AT LEAST
HAVE A LITTLE SYMPATHY.

IT HASN'T BEEN EASY
FOR HER, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE FOUR DEAD HUSBANDS?

I'D SETTLE FOR ONE LIVE ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I'M NOT DEAD.

YOU'RE JUST NOT BURIED, STANLEY.

(laughing)

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: THREE'S
COMPANY WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.