Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 3, Episode 1 - Double Date - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ COME AND KNOCK ON OUR DOOR ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

♪ WHERE THE KISSES ARE
HERS AND HERS AND HIS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

♪ COME AND DANCE ON OUR FLOOR ♪

- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪
- ♪ TAKE A STEP THAT IS NEW ♪

♪ WE'VE A LOVABLE SPACE
THAT NEEDS YOUR FACE ♪



♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ YOU'LL SEE THAT
LIFE IS A BALL AGAIN ♪

♪ LAUGHTER IS CALLING FOR YOU ♪

- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪
- ♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO ♪

♪ DOWN AT OUR RENDEZVOUS ♪

♪ THREE'S COMPANY TOO. ♪

ALRIGHT. OH.

(doorbell rings)

FINE. ALL RIGHT.

COMING!

HI, JACK, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE...

YOU'RE NOT JACK.

I'M GRATEFUL FOR SMALL FAVORS.



- THERE'S NOBODY HERE.
- OH.

WELL, I'LL WAIT.

- LARRY, I GOT THINGS TO DO.
- DON'T LET ME BOTHER YOU.

JUST FINISH TAKING YOUR SHOWER.

(hums)

(doorbell rings)

- (water splashing)
- (Stanley screams)

(doorbell ringing)

- LARRY...
- MM?

WILL YOU ANSWER THE DOOR?

- YOU WANT ME
TO ANSWER THE DOOR?
- WILL YOU ANSWER THE DOOR?

SURE. WHY DIDN'T YOU
SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HEY, LARRY! I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.
I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU
WANT TO HIT A MOVIE LATER?

NO, NOT TONIGHT. YOU
WILL NEVER BELIEVE THIS.

I GOT MYSELF A DATE
WITH SAMANTHA EVANS!

NO, JACK, YOU DON'T HAVE A
DATE WITH SAMANTHA EVANS.

I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
IT. SHE'S COMING TONIGHT

- FOR A HOME-COOKED MEAL.
- JACK...

OH, LARRY, WHEN I THINK OF THOSE
LIPS AND THOSE GREAT LONG LEGS.

- JACK, ROPER HAPPENS...
- AND YOU SHOULD SEE THOSE...

SHOULDERS.

THEY'RE THE WIDEST SHOULDERS
I'VE EVER SEEN ON A GUY. HI, MR. ROPER.

JACK, WHY DO YOU TRY
TO HIDE THINGS FROM ME?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I MEAN, YOUR GARBAGE DISPOSAL
IS BROKEN TOO.

- WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME HE WAS HERE?
- WHAT DO YOU THINK...

ANYWAY, SAMANTHA'S
LOOKING FOR AN HONEST GUY.

- SHE CAUGHT HER LAST BOYFRIEND
WITH ANOTHER GIRL.
- ALL RIGHT!

(phone rings)

- LARRY, WILL YOU GET THAT?
- OH, SURE.

NO, THE PHONE! THE PHONE!

YELLOW! NO, THIS IS LARRY.

YEAH, SURE, HE'S...

HE SEEMS TO BE TIED
UP AT THE MOMENT.

HUH? YEAH, I'LL SEE
IF I CAN REACH HIM.

WHO'S THAT? WHO'S THAT?

- IT'S LINDA.
- SAY WHAT?

- SAY AGAIN.
- WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S LINDA.

WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?
WHO'S ON THE PHONE?

LINDA. WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TIME
YOU'RE PICKING HER UP TONIGHT.

OH GOD, I FORGOT.

- I FORGOT WE HAD A DATE.
- TONIGHT?

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

- LET ME HANDLE IT.
- WHAT ABOUT...

TAKE THE PHO...
HEY, LINDA. BAD NEWS.

- JACK HAS A TERRIBLE COLD.
- COME ON.

CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
YEAH, I'D LET YOU TALK TO HIM,

BUT HE JUST DOESN'T
HAVE THE STRENGTH.

A TERRIBLE COLD? I CAN'T
LIE TO LINDA LIKE THAT!

YOU'RE RIGHT. JUST GIVE
ME SAMANTHA'S ADDRESS.

I'D BE HAPPY TO
PINCH IT FOR YOU.

(nasal voice) HELLO, LINDA?

(coughs) YEAH, DID
LARRY TELL YOU?

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T MAKE OUR
DATE TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.

YEAH, I'LL CALL YOU WHEN
I'M BETTER, BABY DOLL.

OKAY, I HAVE TO GO NOW, LOVER.

BYE, RALPH.

I... I HAD TO BREAK
A DATE. I'M SICK.

YOU SAID IT. NOT ME.

NO, NO, I MEAN I HAVE A COLD.

(sneezes) SEE?

- YOU GOT WHAT? STAY AWAY FROM ME.
- IT'S A COLD.

- GET AWAY FROM ME!
- (sneezes)

JACK! YOU'RE FULL OF GERMS!

- DID YOU SEE THAT?
- (Stanley sneezes)

(coughs) HELEN...

- HELEN,
I'M IN BAD SHAPE.
- STANLEY, DO ME A FAVOR.

DON'T MAKE EXCUSES
TILL I MAKE DEMANDS.

HELEN, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

JACK'S VERY SICK, AND I
GOT MY COLD FROM HIM.

- MY HEAD HURTS,
MY THROAT HURTS.
- BUT STANLEY,

YOU PROMISED TO
TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT!

I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO
GO OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!

HOW CAN I THINK ABOUT HAVING A
GOOD TIME WHEN I WANT TO GO TO BED?

YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT
WAS FOOLISH OF ME.

GET ME SOME ASPIRIN AND
A THERMOMETER, PLEASE.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN WARM!

OF COURSE NOT. I'M
COLD, I GOT THE CHILLS.

OKAY, STANLEY, BUT YOU REMEMBER,

THE MINUTE YOU GET
WELL, WE'RE GOING OUT.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
JUST GET ME THE ASPIRIN.

- DO YOU WANT ME
SHIVERING IN BED ALL NIGHT?
- AT LEAST YOU'D BE MOVING.

BOY OH BOY CHRISSY. REALLY?

YEAH, THE NERVE OF THAT
GUY! FIRST HE MAKES A DATE,

AND THEN HE ASKS ME TO WEAR THE
SHORT SHORTS I WORE TO THE OFFICE PICNIC.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

I SAID I'M NOT GOING
OUT WITH ANY GUY

WHO'S ONLY INTERESTED
IN ME FOR MY CLOTHES!

GOOD FOR YOU.

BUT THAT WASN'T IT. HE
SAID HE'D GO OUT WITH ME

IF I DIDN'T WEAR
ANYTHING AT ALL!

- I HOPE YOU TOLD HIM OFF!
- I CERTAINLY WILL.

HE'S PICKING ME UP AT 7:00.

- HEY, JACK!
- I'M BUSY WITH MY CHICKEN.

LISTEN, I WANT TO
TALK TO YOU GIRLS.

- Chrissy: I CAN'T, JACK,
I'VE GOT A DATE.
- (doorbell rings)

Janet: CHRISSY, WOULD YOU GET
THAT? I GOT TO FIND MY GLASSES.

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE SHOP, JACK.
WE'RE CHECKING INVENTORY TONIGHT.

- YOU'RE BOTH GOING OUT?
- YEAH.

WHAT A SHAME.

- HI, MRS. ROPER.
- (soft voice) CHRISSY...

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

(soft voice) NO
BOTHER. COME ON IN.

- HI, MRS. ROPER.
- HI, JANET.

LISTEN, I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF YOU HAD A THERMOMETER

- I COULD BORROW.
- (soft voice) I THINK JACK HAS ONE.

HE'S IN THE KITCHEN.
I'LL GO ASK HIM.

HE'S IN THE KITCHEN
WITH HIS COLD?

NO, WITH HIS CHICKEN.

(soft voice) CHRISSY, I THINK THE
THERMOMETER'S IN THE BATH...

WHY ARE WE ALL WHISPERING?

(normal voice) BECAUSE
JACK IS SO SICK!

- WHAT?
- I THOUGHT SURE
HE'D BE IN BED.

STANLEY SAYS IT'S
WALKING PNEUMONIA!

- WHAT?
- WHAT?

WHY AREN'T YOU IN BED?

IT'S EASIER TO
COOK IN THE KITCHEN.

COME ON, JACK, YOU DO
NOT HAVE TO BE A HERO.

YEAH, MRS. ROPER TOLD US
ALL ABOUT YOUR TERRIBLE COLD.

- MY COLD?
- YES,

AND CHRISSY AND I WILL GIVE
YOU AN ALCOHOL RUB RIGHT AWAY.

(nasal voice) OH, MY COLD?

- (coughs)
- YOU POOR THING.

OH JANET, I'M SO SICK. IT CAME
UPON ME ALL OF A SUDDEN.

- JACK!
- THAT SETTLES IT.

I'M GONNA BREAK MY DATE AND
STAY HOME WITH YOU TONIGHT.

OH THAT'S SO SWEET. (normal
voice) YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?

ME TOO. ME TOO. WE CAN'T
LEAVE YOU ALONE LIKE THIS.

- I'LL GO CALL MY BOSS.
- (nasal voice) NO, I FEEL FINE.

- YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.
- THANK YOU.

NO, NO, NO...

I MEAN THAT I'M TOO SICK TO
HAVE PEOPLE LOOKING AFTER ME.

- THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
- OF COURSE IT DOES.

I'M CONTAGIOUS (sneezes)

- SEE?
- JACK!

IF I GIVE IT TO YOU,
YOU'LL PASS IT BACK TO ME,

THEN I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
WE'LL NEVER GET RID OF IT.

- WHAT?
- ALL THOSE THINGS.

- (coughs)
- HE DOES HAVE A POINT.

LOOK, GIRLS, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO STAY, YOU KNOW.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

- WELL, ARE YOU SURE?
- OH TRUST ME.

TRUST ME. I'LL JUST LIE
DOWN AND TAKE IT QUIETLY.

- WELL...
- OH COME ON, GIRLS,

I'LL BE BETTER OFF ALL ALONE.

AAA...

TCHOO.

YOU KNOW, JACK, I ALMOST
DIDN'T GO OUT WITH YOU.

- WHY?
- I WAS TOLD YOU WERE
THE KIND OF PERSON

WHO CHASED ANYTHING IN SKIRTS.

(laughs) YOU KNOW, I
USED TO BE THAT WAY.

BUT THEN I FOUND OUT
THERE WAS MORE SATISFACTION

IN A REAL, MEANINGFUL,
ONE-TO-ONE RELATIONSHIP.

I'M REALLY IMPRESSED.

YOU'RE SUCH A GENTLEMAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU HAVEN'T
MADE A PASS AT ME ALL EVENING.

NOT THAT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO,

- BUT THIS IS
OUR FIRST DATE.
- YEAH...

AND EVEN THOUGH WE ARE
LIVING IN MORE PERMISSIVE TIMES,

I...

- OH JACK.
- SAMANTHA.

JACK, WILL YOU
SHOW ME SOMETHING?

ANYTHING.

WHERE'S YOUR POWDER ROOM?

WOULDN'T WE BE MORE
COMFORTABLE ON THE COUCH?

OH YOU... OH I'M... OH
EXCUSE ME, I THOUGHT...

IT'S... IT'S RIGHT IN THERE.

- DON'T GO AWAY.
- I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.

(cheers)

HI, CHRISSY. CHRISSY!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
- I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

- NO, I'M FINE.
- I MADE UP MY MIND. I'M GOING TO STAY.

CHRISSY, LISTEN, I
FEEL MUCH BETTER.

I'M IN GOOD HANDS. THE
DOCTOR'S HERE AND EVERYTHING.

- YOU MADE A HOUSE CALL?
- DID YOU SAY SOMETHING,
JACK?

WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

OH SURE. I CAN SEE
YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

- (softly) GET OUT.
- SO LONG, DOC.

- WHO WAS THAT?
- OH...

THAT... THAT WAS...

THAT WAS SOMEONE
COLLECTING FOR THE CHURCH.

- DRESSED LIKE THAT?
- SHE GETS MORE DONATIONS
THAT WAY.

- WHERE WERE WE?
- MY GLASS IS EMPTY.

- FIRST THINGS FIRST.
- I WOULD DO ANYTHING

FOR ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE.

LIKE I SAID, FIRST THINGS FIRST.

OH JACK. LISTEN, I TOLD MY BOSS

YOU NEEDED ME MORE THAN HE DID.

SO GET YOUR CLOTHES
OFF AND GET INTO BED.

JACK, LOOK, I WILL HAVE
YOU FEELING GOOD IN NO TIME.

- NOW COME ON.
- JANET, JANET!

- HI.
- THAT'S SAMANTHA.

- OW!
- SHE'S A FRIEND.

OH. I'M SORRY.

HELLO, SAMANTHA.
I'M JANET. I'M JACK'S...

NURSE! SHE'S MY NURSE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH

FOR STOPPING BY, NURSE JANET. I
WON'T BE NEEDING MY TREATMENT TONIGHT.

SEE YOU LATER. GOOD BYE.
KEEP HEALING THE SICK. BYE BYE!

SHE'S SO DEDICATED.

SO I SEE. HAS HER OWN
KEY AND EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, JACK, MAYBE
I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU.

OH NO, SAMANTHA, NO.

NO, YOU WEREN'T WRONG.

LISTEN, IT'S JUST YOU AND
ME, SAM. IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

- (doorbell rings)
- GET THE DOOR, JACK.

SAVE MY PLACE.

HI.

- LINDA.
- JACK.

POOR BABY. LINDA BROUGHT
YOU SOME NICE CHICKEN SOUP.

ONE TO ONE, HUH?
MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP? HUH?

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN OVERBLOWN,
EGOTISTICAL, GIRL-CRAZED DEGENERATE!

YOU'RE JUST LIKE ALL
THE REST, ONLY WORSE!

YOU NO-GOOD, PHONY
TWO-TIMING TWERP!

BOY AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU!

- WHO WAS THAT?
- THAT?

THAT WAS THE AVON LADY. THEY
HATE TO TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- YOU SAID YOU HAD
A TERRIBLE COLD.
- EXCUSE ME.

(nasal voice) I HAVE
THIS TERRIBLE COLD...

JACK, I WANT THE TRUTH.

OKAY, I WAS LYING IN BED, AND THIS
THING CAME THROUGH MY WINDOW...

- IT WAS A GIRL. I NEVER SAW...
- JACK, LOOK.

JACK...

I MADE THIS SOUP
WITH MY OWN HANDS.

- WITH MY OWN HANDS
I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU...
- THANK YOU.

- RIGHT OVER THE HEAD!
- LINDA!

- TALK!
- WAIT, PROMISE ME
YOU WON'T THROW THE SOUP.

- NOT IF YOU TELL THE TRUTH.
- OKAY.

- WHERE DO I START?
- START WITH YOUR COLD.

OKAY.

I NEVER HAD A COLD.

- YOU MEAN, YOU LIED?
- NOT EXACTLY.

NO, WAIT! YES, I LIED, I LIED!

NOW, TELL ME ABOUT
THE AVON LADY.

OKAY, SHE WASN'T AN AVON LADY.

- OH, ANOTHER LIE?
- A LITTLE ONE.

- WHO WAS SHE?
- OKAY...

THAT GIRL WAS JANET'S SISTER. SHE
WANTED TO BORROW A BIBLE AND I...

NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...

ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. I'LL TELL YOU.

HE NAME IS SAMANTHA EVANS. I
LIED TO YOU ABOUT BEING SICK

SO I COULD BE WITH HER TONIGHT.

- THAT'S IT?
- THAT'S IT.

- VERY GOOD.
- WHEW!

YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T
GOING TO DO THAT.

I LIED.

SHE BROUGHT ME
SOME CHICKEN SOUP.

I THINK YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO EAT IT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME.

I BROUGHT YOU BACK
YOUR THERMOMETER.

JACK, YOU'D BETTER GET
OUT OF THOSE WET THINGS,

- YOU'RE GOING
TO GET SICKER.
- MRS. ROPER, I AM NOT SICK.

I NEVER WAS SICK.

BUT STANLEY SAYS YOU ARE.

I ONLY SAID I WAS SICK TO GET
OUT OF A DATE, BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

IT ISN'T GOING TO WORK
FOR STANLEY EITHER!

OH NO.

MMMM...

HOW'S MY LITTLE
TEDDY BEAR TONIGHT?

NOT GOOD, HELEN. NOT GOOD.

STANLEY, SUPPOSE
YOU WEREN'T SICK.

- BUT I AM.
- YEAH, YEAH.

BUT JUST SUPPOSE YOU WEREN'T.

WHERE WOULD YOU
BE TAKING ME TONIGHT?

IF I WASN'T SICK?

WELL, YOU KNOW THAT FRENCH
RESTAURANT YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT?

OH, BUT THAT'S SO EXPENSIVE!

OH WELL... WHAT THE HELL?

AND AFTERWARDS, STANLEY?

WHERE WOULD WE BE
GOING AFTERWARDS?

I'D TAKE YOU TO SOME FANCY
PLACE FOR A FEW DRINKS...

- AND DANCING.
- DANCING? YOU?

AND YOU.

BOTH OF US. TOGETHER.

OH STANLEY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME TONIGHT!

YOU MEAN, WE WOULD
HAVE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

I MEAN WE'RE GOING TO.

I JUST TALKED TO JACK.

HE LIED ABOUT HAVING A COLD.

HE'S PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

SO?

SO, THAT MEANS THAT YOU'RE
PERFECTLY HEALTHY TOO!

SO?

SO, YOU HAVE A CHOICE, STANLEY.

YOU EITHER PUT ON THESE PANTS

AND WE GO OUT AND HAVE FUN,

OR LEAVE THEM OFF AND
WE'LL STAY HOME AND HAVE FUN.

- JACK?
- HUH?

THAT WAS A ROTTEN THING TO DO.

- YEAH, ROTTEN.
- (sneezes)

STOP PRETENDING YOU HAVE A COLD.

- BUT I'M REALLY
SICK NOW, HONEST.
- OH SURE.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO SOAK MY FEET.

WAIT A MINUTE. JACK, LOOK,

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US THE
TRUTH IN THE FIRST PLACE?

YEAH, AND IN THE
SECOND PLACE TOO!

I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO
THINK I WAS A CREEP.

- THAT'S WHY.
- BUT YOU ARE A CREEP.

I KNOW. I JUST DIDN'T
WANT YOU TO THINK IT.

DON'T I GET A "GOD BLESS YOU"?

- GOD BLESS YOU...
- THANK YOU.

YOU LIAR.

IT'S ALL LARRY'S FAULT. HE'S THE
ONE WHO MADE UP THAT PHONY STORY.

- I NEVER HAVE
THOUGHT OF IT.
- OH COME ON, JACK.

YOU KNOW, JANET, HE HAS A POINT.

I MEAN, IT'S
LARRY'S LIE, NOT HIS.

- JACK'S JUST
THE ONE WHO TOLD IT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.

NEXT TIME I SEE THAT LARRY,
I'M GONNA TELL HIM OFF!

I BET YOU WILL. JUST
THE WAY YOU HAVE

ALL THE OTHER TIMES
YOU'VE BEEN MAD AT HIM,

WHEN YOU END UP SAYING, "LARRY,
YOU'RE THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD."

- NO, NOT THIS TIME. THIS TIME IM REALLY...
- OH JACK, COME OFF IT.

I'VE HEARD ALL THIS
BEFORE. I'M GOING TO BED.

YEAH, ME TOO.

- I'M GONNA SOAK MY FEET.
- YOU'D BE BETTER OFF
SOAKING YOUR HEAD.

- "YOU'D BE BETTER OFF
SOAKING YOUR HEAD."
- (both blow raspberries)

(doorbell rings)

(coughs)

- HI, PAL!
- YOU... YOU... DON'T YOU
"HI, PAL" ME, PAL,

- I GOT SOMETHING
I WANT TO SAY TO YOU.
- WHOA, HOLD IT.

I BROUGHT SOMEONE I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEE.

- HI, JACK,
MAY WE COME IN?
- HUH... WELL,

- IF YOU...
- I RAN INTO THE LITTLE LADY

DOWN AT THE REGAL BEAGLE.
SEEMED SHE WAS PRETTY UPSET.

SO, WE TALKED AND...

WELL, IT SEEMS THERE WAS
SOME SORT OF MISUNDERSTANDING.

JACK, LARRY TOLD ME ALL YOU
WENT THROUGH TO GO OUT WITH ME,

- AND I'M REALLY FLATTERED.
- OH, IT WAS NOTHING.

YOU MUST THINK I'M
REALLY SOMETHING SPECIAL.

YEAH.

WELL, I'LL JUST LEAVE YOU
TWO LOVEBIRDS ALONE, HUH?

(snickers)

OH, JACK, WHAT WAS IT
YOU WANTED TO SAY TO ME?

EXCUSE ME.

LARRY, YOU'RE THE
BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD!

I MEAN IT, PAL. I
REALLY MEAN IT.

THANKS, PAL.

SAMANTHA... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

(sneezes) EXCUSE ME.

POOR YOU. YOU
REALLY DO HAVE A COLD.

(mumbles)

OH, YOU JUST LET
SAMANTHA TAKE CARE OF YOU.

I'LL PUT YOU TO
BED AND TUCK YOU IN

AND MAKE YOU FEEL
VERY VERY GOOD.

JACK, DO YOU NEED ANY...

OH, I... OH.

IS THERE ANY OF THAT
CHICKEN LEFT? OH.

I... OH.

- THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
- OH.

WHA... DON'T KEEP
HIM UP TOO LATE.

- YEAH, WE DON'T WANT HIM
TO GET TOO TIRED.
- CHRISSY!

- NOW WHERE WERE WE?
- YOU...

YOU WERE GOING TO TUCK
ME IN. SAMANTHA, LISTEN...

YOU!

- DON'T TOUCH ME!
- SORRY, I WON'T.

DON'T TALK TO ME!
DON'T LOOK AT ME!

DON'T THINK OF
ME! JUST... DON'T!

I GUESS I WON'T.

(groans) OW!

GOOD MORNING, GIRLS!
ISN'T IT A BEAUTIFUL DAY?

THE SUN IS SHINING,
THE BIRDS ARE SINGING,

AND MY COLD IS
COMPLETELY GONE. (inhales)

(nasal voice) THAT'S
WONDERFUL NEWS.

(nasal voice) YEAH, I NEVER
HEARD ANYTHING FUNNIER.

YOU BOTH GOT MY COLD?

OH, YOU POOR BABIES!

LISTEN, DON'T MOVE. I WILL
TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

HOW?

- IT'S AN OLD
ESKIMO REMEDY.
- HUH?

I SAID, IT'S AN OLD
ESKIMO REMEDY.

THE HEALTHY PERSON SITS IN
BETWEEN THE TWO SICK PEOPLE

- AND THEY COVER THEMSELVES
WITH A BLANKET - WAIT.

- THERE WE GO.
- OH JACK.

- THIS IS SILLY.
- NO, THIS IS SERIOUS.

THEN THEY SIT AS CLOSE
TOGETHER AS THEY POSSIBLY CAN.

GET CLOSER. THAT'S IT.
A LITTLE CLOSER, JANET.

- OKAY.
- THAT'S IT.

THAT'S PERFECT. NOW
WE STAY THIS WAY.

- FOR HOW LONG?
- ALL NIGHT.

- ALL NIGHT?
- MM-HMM.

AND REMEMBER, IN ESKIMO
LAND, THAT'S SIX MONTHS LONG.

PARTY TIME! WHOO-HO!

(theme music playing)

Ritter's voice: "THREE'S
COMPANY" WAS VIDEOTAPED

IN FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.