Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 25 - Coffee, Tea, or Jack - full transcript

Susan Walters, an old flame of Jack's who broke his heart in the past, shows up at the apartment. Chrissy and Janet were preparing a surprise birthday party for Jack to be held at the Ropers'. Susan, unaware of Jack's birthday, tells him she showed up to celebrate. Jack wants to set things straight with Susan regarding the past, but she turns on the charm and goes out on a date with Jack. Realizing she might break his heart again, Janet and Chrissy concoct a plan to pry Jack away from Susan so he could join them at the party.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[ Singing Off Key ] ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birth... ♪
[ Mumbles ]

♪ Jack ♪

♪ Happy ♪♪ Boy, you
need a lot of air for this.

I picked the right
man for the job.

Have you any idea where you'd
like me to put these balloons?

Yes.

But just hang 'em
on the wall anyway.

Why are we doing all
this for Jack? You didn't

go to this much
trouble for my birthday.

That's not true.



I had a wonderful present
for you your last birthday.

I never understood
why you didn't want it.

I had a headache.

Stanley, do you remember what
happened on my 35th birthday?

Wasn't that the day
Pearl Harbor got bombed?

Close. It was the
day you got bombed...

because I walked out on you.

- You did?
- Of course I did.

I was gone for three hours.

And then I came back.

That must have been
why I got bombed.

[ Air Whining ]

You know perfectly well
that I left you, Stanley Roper,

and you know why I left you too.

It was that bleached
blonde up in 307.

- What about her?
- You were always
up in her apartment,

inspecting her pipes.

Just doing my job. That's all.

[ Air Squeaking ]

You spent so much
time up there that I was

getting suspicious that
something was happening.

Then why'd you come back?

Well, I figured you spent a
lot of time in our apartment too,

and nothing ever happened here.

Listen, why don't those
kids give the party upstairs?

Because they want
Jack to be surprised.

Why don't you try
to be nice to him?

Why should I be nice to him?

Well, I told you. They
want Jack to be surprised.

[ Yelps ]

How's your cake
comin'? It's all finished.

Well, let me see. Let me see.

What do you think?

Great. Look.

"Happy Birthda"?

Where's the "Y"? Oh.

Oh.

And where's the Jack? As
in "Happy birthday, Jack"?

Do you think we need it? I mean,
after all, he knows it's his birthday...

and he knows his name is Jack.

And we're not gonna be
singing "Happy birthday, Harry."

That makes sense.

Oh, Chrissy, how are we gonna get
Jack down to the Ropers' apartment?

Oh, that's easy. You
see, when he comes in,

I'm gonna say... [ Gasps ]
"Oh, we're out of orange juice,"

which we both know
is his favorite drink.

So he'll go down to the
market where... "Surprise!"

And Mrs. Roper will be waiting to take
him to The Regal Beagle, where... surprise!

Mr. Roper will just happen to be
waiting for a telephone call from me...

telling him to come right
back with Jack... surprise!

Chrissy, honey, when Jack
comes in, why don't you just say,

"Let's me and you go
for a walk on the beach,"

then keep him there half
an hour and come back.

Yeah. That might work too.

Aren't you gonna put
a border on this cake?

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Mmm. Not bad. Mmm.

Now put some on
the cake. [ Yelps ]

Oh, hi. Oh, I'm sorry. I must
have the wrong apartment.

Oh, who did you want?
I was looking for a man.

Who isn't?

I thought Jack
Tripper lived here.

Oh, yeah. He does.
Oh, well, in that case,

will you tell him
Susan Walters is here?

Oh. Well, um, I would,

but, see, he's
not here right now.

But we expect
him back real soon.

Oh, good. I'll wait.

Are you the cleaning lady?

No. [ Chuckles ] I live here.

And, uh, this, uh... this here is
my roommate, Chrissy Snow.

Oh, hi. Hello. I'm
Susan Walters.

Oh, I'm Janet Wood. Uh,
Susan is a friend of Jack's.

Let me get this straight.
You're all roommates?

Yeah. Yeah. But we're
just good friends. That's all.

Oh, right. We wouldn't want you
to think there was anything more.

Why would I think that?

Well, Susan, we
should apologize.

I mean, we don't usually
walk around looking like this.

Oh, I never judge
by appearances.

After all, people can't
help the way they look.

[ Clears Throat ] Are you
and Jack good friends?

- Yes, we are.
- How good?

- Chrissy!
- We're very close.

Oh, really? How
close? [ Groans ]

I mean, uh, that must
have been very nice.

Yes, it is.

Funny, Jack never
mentioned you before.

But then again, he never
talks about any of his affairs.

I mean, he never talks
about any of his relations.

I mean... Uh, Susan... Susan, have,
uh, you been seeing a lot of Jack?

Not lately. Uh, I've
been doing a lot of flying.

Oh, yeah, I see. Right. Oh, sure. With
him on the ground and you in the air.

Must have been hard
for your two to connect.

I mean, hard to get it together.

I mean, I think
I'm doing it again.

Uh, Susan, we expect Jack back
real soon. You see, this is his birthday.

His birthday? Uh-huh.

- And we're planning
a big surprise.
- But nothing like yours.

I had no idea it was
his birthday. Well...

May I use your
bathroom to freshen up?

Oh.

Sure.

The, uh... The
bathroom is right in there.

Oh. Thank you. Sure.

That has to freshen up?

Boy, all the time we
thought Jack was out cooking,

he was really out cooking.

Hi. [ Both Chuckling ]

What? Did I... Did I
say something funny?

Jack... [ Clears Throat ]
There's a girl here to see you.

Yeah?

I don't see her.
She's in the bathroom.

Oh. Who is it?

We'll give you a hint.
Coffee, tea or milk?

I'm not thirsty.

[ Susan ] ♪ You
light up my life ♪

♪ You give me hope ♪
Oh, no.

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ] That's Susan.

Are you kidding me?
That's Susan Walters.

How'd you guess? Guess? I'd
recognize those lungs anywhere.

Oh, no. I can't bel... This is
all I need. Susan he... Oh, no.

Jack, are you all right?
Do you want to sit down?

You mean I'm still
standing? ♪♪ [ Continues ]

Jack, what kind of
relationship did you two have?

Well, at first it was
very good. ♪♪ [ Ends ]

Well, what happened?

Chrissy, it's such
a long story...

She left me.

Doesn't sound long to me.

Yeah, it's... it's just as well. It
became so painful just seeing her.

It was like a drug. I mean, I...

Every time I spoke her name or
heard... or heard somebody talk about her,

I was like Jell-O.

Oh, now, come on.
You're exaggerating.

Exaggerating? Janet, I... I
couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.

I got stomachaches
and headaches.

Well, why didn't you
stay away from her?

And make myself miserable?

[ Mutters ]

Hey, are you saying that she left you
more than once? Are you kidding, Chrissy?

She filed me away so many times
I thought I had a catalog number.

Aw, poor Jack.

Yeah. Well, I... I finally
played my last card.

You know, I really wanted to hold onto
her. You know what I'm talking about?

So I... I suggested that we
make our relationship permanent.

Well, she walked out on
me, and I never saw her again.

Oh, Chrissy, I don't know.

What did I miss?
What did I miss? Huh?

That is so strange, because she
acted like she really liked you a lot.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, me and every other man across the
country. I was just her L.A. connection.

I gotta get out of here. Aren't
you gonna stay and say hello?

No way. If I say
hello, it's good-bye.

One look at her with those and
that and the... I gotta get out of here.

No.

Jack, if you don't face up to her
now, you will never get over her.

Huh? Don't you see?

This is a perfect opportunity for you to
prove to yourself that it is really over.

Yeah. Yeah. You're right.
That's good. Thank you, Janet.

You know, it's been over
a year since I've seen her.

I've matured a lot
since then. Whoa.

You know what I mean. Yeah.

Just because she's in the next room, I
don't have to fall to pieces. Look at this.

Get this off of me! See? I can't
deal with this. Make an excuse.

Yes, you can. No,
sit. Sit down. Listen.

All you have to
do is just be cool.

- All right. Be cool. I'll be an iceberg.
- Yeah!

I'll be like Bogey
in Casablanca.

Remember when Ingrid
Bergman came crawling to him?

He showed no mercy.
He was an iceberg.

Jack!

- Hello, Susan.
- How are you, Jack?

Quite well. And yourself?

So, Susan, what brings
you to Los Angeles?

Oh, don't you know? I
came in for your birthday.

You remembered my birthday?

Oh, how could I forget?

Do you remember how we
celebrated my birthday last year?

Oh, Susan!

Jack, want to go for a
walk with me on the beach?

Susan, Susan.

Jack, Jack.

Sick, sick.

Oh. What do you say
we celebrate our reunion?

I'll open up a bottle of
wine. Oh, no. Let's go out.

I feel it's a little
crowded in here.

That's 'cause you're
standing so close to Jack.

You're sweet.

Susan, let's go to The Regal
Beagle. Oh, anything you say.

- You can't go!
- Why not?

You're supposed to
go for a walk with me.

Chrissy, I'll take a rain
check on that. All right?

I can't wait till it rains. I want
to go for a walk right now.

She's a pushy little thing,
isn't she? Excuse me.

Well, when will you be back?

Que será, será.

That's too late.

Some iceberg.

He went down like the Titanic.

I'm really worried. Me
too, Chrissy. Me too.

It looks like we're
gonna lose him.

He's gonna get hurt. And we're
gonna have to cook our own meals.

She's gonna break his heart. And
we're gonna have to cook our own meals.

His whole life will be ruined.

And we're gonna have
to cook our own meals.

Oh, Janet! I just thought
of something! What?

If she takes Jack away, we're
gonna have to cook our own meals.

Chrissy! Chrissy, how can you
think of food at a time like this?

I'm sorry. Well, all right.

Oh, Janet, what are we gonna do?

Chrissy, please. I don't
know. I... I... Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. We're gonna get Jack by
himself and knock some sense into his head.

Oh, that's a great idea.

We'll do it at the surprise
party. We'll take him aside...

That won't work. He doesn't know
there's gonna be a surprise party.

You were supposed to take
him there, remember? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I can't do that now
'cause he's with Susan.

No. Yes, you can.

Yes, you can, Chrissy. You can
just go down to The Regal Beagle...

and pry him away from
her. With what? A crowbar?

You do not need any tools.

You can just use the
equipment that you've got.

Are you saying... Do you
want Jack to be hurt again?

No. All right. Then get
down to The Regal Beagle...

and make him forget
all about Susan.

Chrissy, all you have to do is just
be alluring and be seductive... sexy.

Well, do you think I can do it?

Oh, yes, yes!

What has she got that
you haven't got? Jack.

Not for long, Chrissy.
Now come on.

We gotta get you into
some working clothes.

Oh! I don't have work
clothes. This will work.

To you.

To us. Tonight.

To... Oh.

Oh, my goodness. Look
at how late it's getting.

Oh, Jack, I've missed you.

You missed me? Oh, yes.

I should never have let you
run away from me like that.

That's funny. I always thought
you were the one who left.

You didn't forget me, did you?

[ Baby Talk ] How
could I forget you?

Oh, Susan, I used to think
of you flying everywhere...

Over the land and sea,
those hills and valleys.

Oh, Jack, I want to
fly with you. Where?

Oh, you... Oh, you mean
you want to... Oh, fly with me.

That's great. Ohh.
What do you say?

Is it time for takeoff?

[ Gulps ] Well,
yeah. I mean, I'm...

Once we're up, we'll
never come down.

Oh, Susan, Susan.

[ Breathy ] Hi.

Hi.

What?

Hi.

Chrissy, I can't hear
you. Speak up. I said hi!

Hi. Hi.

I miss you so much, my darling.

"Darling"? All right,
Chrissy. What's the joke?

I need you back
at the apartment.

And I do mean need you.

Are you all right?

Only when I'm with you.

What do you say you and me...

You and me what? You know.

Is there something in your eye?

Just you, big fella.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Jack. Oh! Oh!

Oh, excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Chrissy! Yes?

Go home. But... Go home. Now!

Oh, Susan, I'm... I'm
so sorry. I don't know

what came over her.
Now, where were we...

before that strange creature
so rudely interrupted?

Well, you were about ready
to take it off. I mean, take off.

I remember.

This time it's for
keeps, huh, Susan?

This time it's for keeps, Roger.

Roger? Hi, Susan.

Hello, Roger. I thought
you were in Hong Kong.

No, that's Timmy. Mind if I sit down,
pal? Thanks. As a matter of fact,

we were having a private
conversation... Uh, Jack,

between the, uh... This
is Captain Chadway.

Roger, this is Jack Tripper.

Nice to meet you.
How's your strokes, baby?

Uh, tennis. He means
tennis. We played tennis once.

Oh. Oh. What, you
work for the same airline?

Work and play, huh, baby?

Listen, why don't we get
going, Susan? What? Oh, sure.

Uh, Jack and I are old friends.

Oh? Yeah, friends
for keeps, huh, Susan?

That's right, darling.

That's right, Roger.

Let's get going. Oh, I'm sorry.

Jack! Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just
got a little jolt. That's all.

Where's Jack? He should
have been here a half hour ago.

Don't worry. He'll be here.

I'm not worried about
him. I'm getting hungry.

Oh, Stanley, can't you wait?

No. When a person wants something
bad enough, he ought to get it.

I couldn't agree with you more.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- There he is.

Okay, everybody. All right.
Here. Mrs. Roper. And Mr. Roper.

All right. I'll turn
out the lights. Okay.

Stanley, take
off that silly nose.

I did take it off.

Oh.

I'm opening the door right now!

[ All ] Surprise!

Oh, you shouldn't
have. [ Snorts ]

Get in here.

All right, Chrissy. All
right. Now, where is Jack?

He's still at The Regal Beagle.

You mean you
weren't able to... No.

I acted as sexy as I could,
and he wouldn't even look at me.

What did you expect when you
sent a woman to do a man's job?

You mean he's not even
coming to his own birthday party?

- No.
- Wait a minute.

You mean I blew two and a half
bucks for those paper plates for nothing?

Stanley. I could have gotten...

Christmas leftovers for a
buck and a quarter. Stanley!

No. Am I cheap?
No, I go all out.

I get the expensive
happy birthday ones.

Save your breath,
Stanley. I don't have any left.

It's all in your balloons.

[ Doorbell Rings ] I thought this
was gonna be such a fun evening.

Hi. Oh, Jack, it's so
wonderful to see you!

He's here! He's here!

Yeah, but he's still with her.

Oh, St-St-Stanley,
t-turn out the lights.

Oh. Everybody ready? Uh-huh.

Okay? Ready, set...
Okay. Here I go.

[ All ] Surprise!

[ Horn Blowing ]

Thank you. Oh,
happy birthday, Jack.

[ Laughing ] Thank
you, Mrs. Roper.

Excuse me. Happy birthday, Jack.

Happy birthday.

Chrissy, thank you so... Look
at... Oh, thank you, everybody.

I see you brought
your own gift. Yes.

No, we just came, uh, to
get some of Susan's things.

Uh, Mr. Roper, I'd like you
to meet a friend of mine...

who's just passing
through L.A., Susan Walters.

Who? Hi.

Hi. Hi.

And now, uh, I have a
surprise for all of you.

I'm getting married.

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh, Jack, you're not...

Yep. As a matter of fact, I'm getting
married first thing in the morning.

You see, I have this uncle
who's a judge... What?

Jack, you don't have... I
have this uncle who's a judge...

Just a minute. What's
today? Thursday.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I have a flight out of
L.A.X. in two hours.

[ Both ] Aw.

I thought you might.

Well, I really have to run. You
will forgive me, won't you, Jack?

Forgive you? I thank you.

Oh.

Bye. Good-bye, Susan.

Jack. Jack, what happened?
Oh, you had to be there.

Where? Under the table.

- Oh.
- What's all this
about you getting married?

- It was just a joke.
- It would have to be,
wouldn't it?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jack ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[ Singing Off Key ] ♪
Happy birthday to you ♪♪

Yea!

Okay, Jack. Now, close
your eyes and make a wish,

then blow out the candles.

Here.

[ Cheering ]

What did you wish for?

All I can tell you is I wished for
something good to happen to all of us here.

[ Chrissy ] Aw. If you don't
get any sleep tonight, Stanley,

you can blame it on Jack's wish.

Well, come on, Jack.
Cut the cake. Oh, okay.

Bet you'll never
guess who baked it.

U.S. Steel?

[ Man ] Three's Company
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in front of a studio audience.

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