Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 8 - Cyrano de Tripper - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

Well, how's my gorgeous
little roommate today?

Oh. Hey, hey! You want to
come over here and say that?

Why? This plant could
use some fertilizer.

Okay. Plant, you are gorgeous!

Yeah, looks pretty
good, doesn't it? Yeah.

All I did was repot it
and cut it back a little.

And Mrs. Roper's got a
plant that's as good as new!

Well, if you could do the same
thing to Mr. Roper, she'd be delirious.

[ Giggles ]

Yeah. Hey, what you got there?

Oh, it's a present for Chrissy:
the new Peter Frampton album.

[ Gasps ] Is this her birthday?



No, I just know how
much she likes him, and...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, well,
it's not my birthday either.

Janet, it's not exactly a present.
I just thought it would be nice...

to listen to it
tonight with Chrissy.

Just you and Chrissy? What am I
supposed to do? Put plugs in my ears?

Will you stop twisting everything
I say? I bought it for all of us.

Oh. Well, in that case, thank
you very much. You're welcome.

And I'll be sure to
turn it up real loud...

so you can hear
it from your room.

Ooh, listen, you... No, no, no.
Sense of humor! Sense of humor!

It's for all of us.
That's better.

Think maybe I'll take
this down to Mrs. Roper.

Oh, don't forget to tell Mr. Roper
about that leaky faucet in the kitchen.

Oh! Thanks for reminding me.

Hi! Hi! Happy Unbirthday!

Oh, Jack. I've
got to talk to you.

First I want to tell you about my
surprise. Jack, this is important!

What's more important
than Peter Frampton?

Michael Winthrop.
What's he recorded?

He's the guy I've been
dating, remember?

Oh, yeah. Michael
"The Gourmet" Winthrop.

Don't talk about him like that.

I happen to like him. And
I've invited him here for dinner.

Dinner? You
planning to send out?

- No, he's expecting me to cook.
- You?

Chrissy, you can't cook.

Don't you remember what happened
when you tried to make spaghetti?

Well, I just wanted to make sure that
it was thoroughly mixed with the sauce.

But you don't do
that in a blender.

You made us a spaghetti malted.

Well, I just thought
it would be faster.

The correct way is to
mix the sauce in a bowl,

then pour it gently
over the spaghetti.

See? You just taught me
how to make "basghetti."

Now, if you could give me
a few more hints... Hints?

Cooking is not hints. Cooking
is an art. It takes years to learn.

Oh, please!

Well, I suppose I could
give you a few pointers.

With a lot of practice,
and a lot of time, maybe...

I suppose eventually... When's
this guy coming? Tonight.

Toni... Tonight? So
if you could start...

Can we go in the kitchen
now? Tonight? Chrissy,

the only way you could cook dinner
tonight would be if I cooked it for you.

Oh, Jack, I knew I could count on
you. Oh! Now, wait. Chrissy. Chrissy!

[ Chrissy Giggles
] [ Chattering ]

Aah! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you all right?
Chrissy, speak to me!

Speak to me. Uh, poor
kid must have passed out.

I-I... I was giving her
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Standing up?
- Oh, well, hey. It's the best way.

Uh, the air goes downhill,
directly into the, uh, lungs.

- She looks all right to me.
- Well, see? It works!

You know what I think? I
think you and Chris... Mr. Roper,

the leaky faucet in the kitchen?
Yeah, it's been acting very strange lately.

Not the only thing
strange around here.

I don't care what Jack
says, they were kissing!

- I know a kiss when I see one.
- I didn't think you had
that good a memory.

Helen, I'm serious.

How were they doing
it, Stanley? Show me.

Helen, this is no
time to fool around.

Okay, you want to
make an appointment?

Wait, do you think he's been
pulling the wool over my eyes?

Aw, come on, Stanley.

Nobody's smart
enough to do that to you.

That's true, that's true.

But what about all those times we
saw Jack down at the Regal Beagle...

- with all those girls?
- Oh, those girls were
just pals.

Why would a gay guy want to
pal around with so many girls?

To see how the other half lives?

What about the time
he took out my niece?

I bet he tried
somethin' that night.

You know, there's one thing
you've never understood, Stanley.

Trying is not doing.

Okay. Okay. But if I
find out that Tinkerbell...

has stopped ringin', I'm
gonna throw him out on his ear.

Look, isn't that pretty?
How do you like it?

- What is it?
- It's macramé!

I'm making a holder for my pot.

You knitting yourself a girdle?

It's for hanging my plant
that Janet fixed for me.

Look. Don't you think
she did a lovely job?

Yeah, lovely. Lovely.
Why'd you have to invite

her to dinner just 'cause
she fixed the plant?

- What's so great about a plant?
- For one thing, it's alive.

Which is more than I can say
for some things around this house.

Hi! Whatcha cookin'
for dinner? Hi.

My own goose.

Well, you know what, Jack? I think
what you're doing is absolutely marvelous.

No wonder Chrissy
thinks you're so fantastic.

She does? Sure!

I mean, why shouldn't she? You're
gonna help her impress somebody...

who really means
a lot to her. Ooh...

[ Gasps ] Jack!

[ Chuckles ] Jack,
are you jealous?

[ Guffaws ] Jealous? Me? Yeah.

That's crazy.

Look, I admit. I like Chrissy.

She's a nice person. A-And
you're a nice person too.

I like you, and if... And if I were
doing this for you instead of Chrissy,

I'd feel exactly the
same way. What way?

I don't know!

All I know is that you
two need looking after,

and here's Chrissy dating
this-this total stranger.

Well, if you feel
that way about it,

why don't you spoil the dinner?
And ruin my reputation as a chef?

Exc-u-use me!

How's it going?
I'm almost finished.

Now Chrissy, all you have to
do is keep the soup on simmer.

Check the temperature
of the roast, toss the salad,

make sure... Oh, I can't do all
that! You've got to stay and do it.

But Chrissy, that'll
ruin everything for you.

If I stay, he'll see me. Not
if you stay in the kitchen.

You want me to hide
in here all night? No!

Only until he leaves.

I'm not gonna do it. Oh, please!

No! For me?

[ Moaning ]

Okay, but from now on, just
call me Cyrano de Tripper. Huh?

Yeah, I'm cooking to light
another guy's fire! [ Screams ]

Well, Michael? Ahh!

[ Smacks Lips ] I seem to taste a dash
of cinnamon in the claret consommé.

- Oh, I hope it's not too much.
- Oh! Any less would be timid.

Any more would be precocious! What
you have achieved is divinely tantalizing.

- Does that mean you like it?
- Like it? It comes
straight from heaven.

Now, the salad.

[ Gasps ] Oh! That'll be
that green stuff right here.

Oh! [ Chuckles ]

Mm-hmm.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Perfect. Tell me, how did
you introduce the dressing?

I just said, "Salad,
meet the dressing.

Dressing meet the salad."

[ Chuckles Uneasily ]

Seriously, how did you do it?

I have to get something on the
stove. Could you excuse me?

Sure.

Oh, Jack. Oh, he's
asking questions!

And you're giving him some
answers. "Dressing, meet the salad."

Like this. "Hi there, Salad.
You look a little limp."

"Oh, Dressing, am I glad to see
you. Cover me quick. I'm naked."

[ Whimpering ]
Okay, Chrissy. Okay.

Jack, please! Okay. Okay, okay.

"Fresh parsley. Shallots, finely
chopped. Salt. [ Repeating ]

Ground pepper, wine
vinegar, olive oil. Stand

one hour, then pour
gently into bowl and toss."

You got all that?
Fresh parsley. Yeah!

Fresh parsley,
chopped shallots... Salt.

Salt. Pepper.

Oh! Allow me.

You smell wonderful! What's
that perfume you're wearing?

Wine vinegar, olive oil,

fresh parsley... What?

The salad dressing!
Oh! Never mind that.

Oh, well. I've got to
know something else.

[ Breathily ] You do? That
appetizer. The rice mold you made...

for the stuffed artichokes, was that
cooked in a sauce pan or a double boiler?

Would you excuse me a minute?

Again? Well, I want to get
my roast out of the oven.

Ah! Let me do that. No, no. No!

The door's stuck.
Yeah! [ Laughs ]

Well, it's an old building,
and it always does that...

when there's, uh, too
much weight near the door.

[ Chuckles ] You're kidding!

No. Sit down, I'll show you.

Okay.

See? Floor's all balanced now.

Jack, that rice mold. Did I cook it
in a saucepan or a double boiler?

- Both.
- Both.

Both? I hope you don't
mind me saying this.

- That's a trifle wasteful.
- [ Chrissy's Voice ] What?

Well, you see, the pan
is totally unnecessary.

And it tends to absorb
the healthful nutrients.

But it's a common mistake, and a lot
of beginners tend to fall into that group.

Beginner? Who are
you calling a beginner?

Who are you? Jack!

Oh, you don't like my
cooking, huh? Your cooking?

Chrissy, what's... Well, maybe
you'd like to try my special egg recipe.

Look, I don't know...
Oh, no. I insist.

The yolk's on him! [ Laughing ]

Oh, Jack!

Jack, how could
you? Well, he... he...

Would you excuse me? I'd
like to freshen up my hand.

Good... The bathroom's in here.

Thanks.

Of all the rotten, mean,
egotistical creeps...

Yeah, I don't like him either.

I am talking about you!

Me? You deliberately
blew the whole thing,

to make me look like a
fool... how could you do that?

Now, Chrissy, don't get
upset. I can straighten this out.

It is impossible to
straighten this out!

Don't be so negative! Look,
he doesn't know who I am.

All he know is... that you're hiding
in my kitchen, cooking my dinner!

It is impossible to
straighten this out.

I'd like to apologi... You! Do
you mind staying away from me?

Michael, this is Jack
Tripper. He's... Hi.

I thought you must be.

Look, Ja...

Jack is studying
to be a chef, and...

Well, I wanted to impress you, so I
asked him to cook the meal for us.

- I'm sorry.
- Well, I'm afraid I can't
accept your apology.

What? What kind of a fink is he?

There's no need to apologize!
The point is, you did all this for me.

- I'm very flattered.
- He's quite a nice fink.

So. Now that the cat's
out of the bag, so to speak,

thank you and good-bye.

- Good-bye?
- You do understand,

this is a rather special
evening for Chrissy and me.

We'd like to be alone,
so, "Good-bye, Jack."

Oh, yes. Well. [ Clears Throat ]

Good-bye, Chrissy.
I'll see you sometime.

Yes! [ Chuckles ]
I'll give you a call.

Oh, good. You know
where to reach me, do you?

Right. Well, I'll be moving
on my little way here.

Bye. Bye. No, wait.

Michael, there's something
you ought to know.

Jack lives here.

Oh! Well, in that case,
I'll take you home. No!

I live here too. With Jack?

Oh, it's all right. The three
of us lead our own lives.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, good!

The three of you?
You and two guys?

No. Me and two girls.

And you can still
find time to cook?

[ Laughing ]

It's strictly platonic!

- Oh, I knew
you wouldn't understand.
- Oh, but I do understand.

The platonic principle
has always intrigued me.

Incidentally, I found
Greece fascinating.

Grease? Ohh! We tried to get
tickets to that show, it was all sold out.

[ Chuckles ] Chrissy!

Mm. That reminds me. What?

Let's get on with the dinner.
So far, it's been excellent.

Oh, well, thank you! Yes, the
stuffed artichokes were very delicate.

Thank you! The claret
consommé was a delight!

Maybe a bit too much sugar,

but otherwise, first-rate.

And the wine you chose: a subtle,
yet daring... Too much sugar?

Yes. Cinnamon in the
consommé is enough.

Too much sugar? Does
he have a hearing problem?

Too... much... sugar.

Maybe for someone with
impaired taste buds. Uh, Jack.

If my taste buds were amputated, I could
distinguish between sweet... and sickly.

Sickly? [ Scoffs ] You don't need
taste buds, you need a new palate.

- Which may require a new brain.
- Are you saying
I am insensitive?

Oh, no, no. I'm just saying that
you have the mouth of a rhinoceros.

Jack, please! Even a rhinoceros
wouldn't add sugar to cinnamon.

I mean, anybody
who would do that is...

is in the same class with the
great chefs, like Julia Child...

James Beard and Robert
Carrier. All I can say is...

the last time I spoke to Raymond
Oliver, he was emphatic...

You spoke to Raymond Oliver?

He said, "No sugar with the
cinnamon in the claret consommé!"

You spoke to Raymond Oliver?

The chef of the
Grand Véfour in Paris?

You know Raymond Oliver?

We stuffed... chickens together.

Jack, you're being very rude.

Not only that, I put too
much sugar in the consommé.

Good. Now can we get
on with dinner, please?

So you know Raymond Oliver?

A charming man. Did
he give you any tips?

Michael, should we sit down...

You should see the way
he sautées his onions!

How, how, how? Would
you like me to show you?

Are you kidding? Come
into my kitchen. Fellas!

How about his pâté en brioches?

Well, I've heard it described as
"catching a dazzling ray of sunlight."

[ Sighs ]

Wow! That was really a great
dinner, Mrs. Roper. Oh, thanks, Janet.

You're welcome. Yeah. Certainly
was better than that chili...

we had for dinner yesterday.

Boy, that stuff was so hot,
it kept me awake all night.

I wish I could say
the same about him.

- What? What?
- Oh, nothing. Nothing, Stanley.

I... I, uh... Oh, uh, I better
get us some more coffee.

[ Chuckles ] [
Murmurs, Chuckles ]

Listen, I was just thinkin'
about your friend Jack.

Kissin' Chrissy this mornin'.

And I don't like it. Well, why
don't you stop thinkin' about it?

I mean, he's not
gonna get away with it.

- Get away with what?
- Aw, come on.

We both know what Jack and
Chrissy are doin' up there right now.

Oh! Oh, did Chrissy tell you?

Of course not! But
I have my ways.

I mean, like the Good Book says, "Jack
can fool some of the people all the time,

but he don't fool
me none of the time."

And I don't like it.

Oh, well, listen.
Neither does Jack.

What? No, no! He's not
enjoying what he's doing.

Then why is he doing it?
Well, Chrissy talked him into it.

Chrissy? Why?

[ Scoffs ] Why not? I
mean, he lives there.

And he can do the job.

You know, I don't
understand you kids. I mean...

Y-You talk like she's
ordering a Big Mac.

Boy, I wish it were that simple.

I mean, you don't realize
the problems Jack has.

It is a miracle he can
get anything done.

Huh? Yes.

With Chrissy's date up there.

Huh?

Yeah. He has to do
it hiding in the kitchen.

The kitchen? Yup.

Wait a minute. Wait. You mean
there are three of them up there?

Yeah. Where do
you fit into all this?

[ Chuckling ] Oh!
Nowhere, thank goodness.

You're a good girl.

Thanks. But I'll tell ya. I would
love to have stayed and watched.

Watched? Yeah.

But it would have
made Jack too nervous.

Helen? Helen!

Coming! I'm coming.
Never mind the coffee.

You know, I let that kid move up
there because he said he was gay?

But after what I saw this morning,
and after what I heard just now,

- I know better!
- W-Wait a minute!

Whoa, whoa, Mr. Roper. All I said
is that he's up there cooking dinner...

for Chrissy and her date! You
see what I mean? [ Stammering ]

"Cooking a dinner"? Yes!

- What's wrong with that?
- I don't know! Yet.

Mr. Roper, that is
all that's happening!

[ Doorbell Ringing ] Maybe
I'm wrong. And for Jack's sake,

I hope I am.

Yes? Hi, does Jack
Tripper live here?

You want the apartment
upstairs. Oh, thank you.

Hold it!

Jack's not in. What do you want with
him? I wanted to return his sweater.

I borrowed it from him last
night, when we on the beach.

What? You, with
Jack, were on a beach?

Listen, thank you very much. That's very
nice of you, and I'll make sure he gets it.

- Thanks a lot.
- Did you hear that, Helen?

Jack and that girl? What
about that? Oh, well...

[ Laughing ] Isn't
that just like Jack,

takin' the sweater off his
back for somebody in distress?

Yeah! This is proof, Helen.

Oh, Stanley, you're ridiculous!

Yeah, you're crazy. Yeah,
you-you-you're getting paranoid!

I am not!

Why is everybody against me?

I'm goin' up there and throwin' that
phony out on his ear! No, Mr. Roper!

[ Doorbell Rings ]

All right. Where is he? Who?

Your friend Jack! Take it
easy, Stanley. Take it easy!

- Jack in no friend of mine.
- What? What happened?

What he did to me
was unforgivable, Janet.

It's worse than I thought.

What did he do?
He stole my date!

[ Together ] What?

Well, see for yourself!

I'm gonna get to
the bottom of this.

Mm, that's fantastic,
Michael. My stuffing

never comes out like
this. How do you do it?

Well, it's easy as long as you remember,
just a breeze of salt and pepper...

and just the dashiest
dash of Tabasco.

You've got a marvelous
touch. [ Clears Throat ]

Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.
Anything wrong?

Uh, not anymore, Jack.

- It's all right, Helen.
- [ Laughing ] That's wonderful.

Now, Stanley, I think you
should apologize to Jack.

Oh. I'm sorry, Jack.

Oh, that's okay.
What did you do?

Me? Nothin'. I-I just thought I
saw something that wasn't normal,

because it was normal.

But now I can see it ain't normal,
so everything's back to normal again.

Oh, well, I'm... glad for you.

And now, Jack, you can go on
living here as long as you like.

- Can't he, Stanley?
- I can?

Sure. Unless you
and your friend here...

would like to find a
place of your own.

Oh, no, no, no. Do you think
Chrissy will ever speak to me again...

without throwing
something? Nope!

Don't throw it!
I'm sorry, Chrissy.

I'm sorry about last night.
Please, I apologize. I'm sorry.

So am I. [ Clicks
Tongue ] You were right.

That Michael is a creep.

What? Creep?

Hey, I thought you were crazy
about him. What happened?

After you two went down
to The Regal Beagle,

we finally sat down to
dinner, and he said he loved it.

And then? Then he
turned the lights down,

and put on some soft music,

and he said he was
ready for dessert!

What's wrong with that?

When a guy says he's ready for dessert,
and he really means the chocolate mousse,

it's time to say good-bye!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

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