Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 9 - Chrissy's Night Out - full transcript

Chrissy goes to a bar that is known for being a prostitute hangout and is accused of being one by a guy who she was talking to. Jack tries to make her feel better but he makes things worse by constantly putting his foot in his mouth causing Chrissy to cry. When the guy shows up at the apartment Jack slugs him and knocks him out. Unfortunately, the man is an undercover cop and now Jack could be on his way to jail for assaulting a police officer.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

[ Footsteps
Squeaking On Ceiling ]

Oh, Stanley. What
are you doing up?

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I can't sleep with
all that racket.

[ Squeaking Stops ]

What racket? [
Squeaking Resumes ]

That pacing.

Oh, that.

Well, if that's all it
takes to keep you awake,

I'll learn to walk
on the ceiling.

I'm not gonna listen to that all
night. I'm gonna do something.

Oh, Stanley. You can't
stop people from pacing.



I mean, pacing is just
something that people do.

It's normal. It's... It's human.

It's a... Well, it's a
natural urge, like...

Oh, look who I'm talking
to about natural urges.

Helen, you know, I married
you for better or worse.

When's it gonna get better?

Go to bed, Stanley.

What are you doing? Oh, I'm
gonna stay up and read for a while.

Oh, no. I want you
to go to bed with me.

You do?

Yeah, I want you
to talk to me. Talk?

Yeah, it always puts
me right to sleep.

Oh.

Oh.

Jack. Jack.

- What is it?
- A fine roommate you are.

How can you be
sleeping at a time like this?

Oh, sorry. I must have
dropped off when I went to bed.

Jack, Chrissy isn't
home yet. Huh?

Chrissy isn't home.

Oh, that's a lovely idea,
Janet, but I'm too tired.

No. You don't understand. All right.
All right, Janet. What's the problem?

Number one, Chrissy went out with the girls
from the office, and she isn't home yet.

So, what's number two?

What do you mean,
"What's number two?"

Generally, when people say "number
one," they follow it up with a number two.

So what's number two?
There isn't any number two!

Don't you understand?
Chrissy isn't home!

[ Sighs ] Come on, Jack.

What are we gonna do? I'll
tell you what we're gonna do.

You'll go to bed,
I'll go to bed,

and when Chrissy comes
home, she'll go to bed.

Then we'll all be
in bed together.

Separately together.

Oh, no, no. I'm too
worried to sleep.

I'll just wait up. [ Yawning
] Okay. Good night.

- Good night.
- By the way, what time is it?

Ten after 3:00.

Ten after 3:00? Ten after 3:00?

Chrissy's usually home by
midnight when she has to go to work.

Why didn't you tell me it was 10
after 3:00? Okay, calm down, Janet.

Just calm down. Are you okay?

Listen, Jack. Listen. I'm really
worried. Now, where can she be?

Wait a minute. There's
gotta be a simple explanation.

- Like what?
- Like, uh...

Like... Okay, like Chrissy goes
with her girlfriends to this club.

There's a band, she meets
some guy, she starts dancing.

Yeah. Then Chrissy forgets
the time. You know Chrissy.

And suddenly she says,
"Oh, my. Look at how late it is."

So she asks this guy to
drive her home, and then, uh...

He's drunk, he hits a
bus and they're all killed.

Where did you get he's
drunk and he hits a bus?

Same place you got the
band and the dancing.

Okay. There wasn't any
dancing. There... There...

There weren't any guys. And they were
drinking root beer from paper cups. Okay?

And then Chrissy notices the
time, and all the girls get into a cab...

with a sober woman driver.

They drop Chrissy off first,
and she's home safe and sound.

No, no. Then she should be
home safe and sound right now.

Oh, my God! Something
went wrong! I just know it!

We gotta call the cops. Do you have
her parents number? Calm down. Jack!

No, wait. I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm cool. I liked it better
when I was hysterical.

- [ Both ] Chrissy!
- You're safe!

Oh, honey, you're home.

Where have you been? Do
you have any idea what time it is?

You should have been
home hours ago. Well, I...

Haven't you ever
heard of the telephone?

I hope you're satisfied
coming in at this hour.

Janet and I were worried sick. You
could have been raped or mugged or killed.

Don't you have any consideration
for the... Stop it! Stop it!

One of the reasons
I left home...

was 'cause no one thought I was
old enough to take care of myself.

Well, let me tell you
something. I am old enough.

And I really resent
the two of you...

playing mother and father
and treating me like a child.

Well, that's gratitude for you.

It's all your fault, Mother.

You should have
been stricter with her.

Maybe we better go have a talk with
her. No. Maybe you should wait here.

I got a feeling one
parent is enough right now.

Oh, Chrissy, I'm sorry.

You've got every right in the world
to be mad at us, but please don't cry.

I'm not crying about that.

Oh, good. Well, I mean,
whatever it is, how bad can it be?

[ Sobs ]

That bad, huh?

Oh, if this ever gets out...

If my mother ever finds out...

Oh! If my father
ever finds out...

You think I'll ever find out?

Come on. Well,

I went with the girls from the
office to this bar, the Funky Fox.

And... there was a band,

and there were a lot
of guys, not many girls.

And the tables...

All the tables had these tablecloths
with tartan designs all over them.

It reminded me
so much of home...

because my father sent away to one of
those firms that trace your family roots...

They do that for white
people too, you know.

And they said that our
ancestors were Scottish.

So we had to have
everything in tartan.

Tartan tablecloths,
tartan towels, tartan skirts.

I even had to wear...
Chrissy, what happened?

Well, I met this guy.

He was really cute.

Good dancer. Very sincere.

- We talked for hours.
- Wow. It sounds like
you had a wonderful date.

He was a creep.

He had the cutest eyes,
just like Robert Redford...

and a dog with black
and brown spots.

- He had a dog in the club?
- No, in his hometown
of Pine Bluff, Arkansas.

Pine Bluff is the
fourth-largest city in Arkansas.

Chrissy. He still has a
cousin there named Paul.

Chrissy. Chrissy,
why are you crying?

Well, I gave him my
name and number,

and... and he asked me...

He asked me... He asked you out?

No. He asked me how much I...

How much I... How
much you liked him?

No. Janet, he
thought I was a hoo...

A hoo...

A hoo... hoo... hoo...

A hooker? [ Sobbing ]

Oh, honey. What's
going on in there?

Nothing. Oh, don't
tell Jack. I'd just die.

- Oh, no, babe. No.
- Is everything all right?

Yeah, great. Just great.

Oh, good. 'Cause I
thought I heard some crying.

No. I was just laughing.

[ Wheezing ]

Everything's all
right now, Jack.

Chrissy, where'd you go tonight?

She went to the Funky
Fox. The Funky Fox?

You shouldn't go there.
People will think you're a hooker.

[ Screams ]

You told him. Somebody
took you for a hooker?

Oh, I feel so cheap.

Cheap? That's one
thing those girls are not.

No, I heard about
it from some guys.

Just because I was friendly,
how could a guy think that I was...

a hoo... a hoo...
Oh, Chrissy. Chrissy.

Chrissy, look on
the bright side.

What bright side? Well,
listen. The guy's got great taste.

He picked you
over all the regulars.

[ Screams ]

Very funny, Jack.
You're a very funny guy.

No. I was just trying to...

It is a super thrill
living here with you...

because we know
we can count on you.

When the going gets rough,
you come up with dumb jokes.

[ Banging On Door ]

[ Mr. Roper ] Coming.
[ Banging Continues ]

Hold your horses.

First it's pacers,
now it's knockers.

You're getting a
nice variety, Stanley.

[ Banging Continues ] Who is it?

[ Man ] Police
Detective Lannigan, sir.

Detective? Show me your badge.

Do you know the difference
between a real badge and a fake one?

No. Then you better let him in.

Come in, Officer.

Good evening. Good evening.

Oh. Sorry to bother
you at this late hour.

Listen, I can explain
about those parking tickets.

Parking tickets? I never even saw
them. They must have fallen off the car.

Otherwise I would have
paid for all five of them.

I'm not here about parking
tickets. What parking tickets?

- I'm from the vice squad.
- Oh, boy, are you
in the wrong apartment.

I'm looking for a Miss Chrissy Snow,
and I've traced her to these premises.

She lives upstairs. What
would you want with Chrissy?

She's the sweetest
little thing in the world.

Isn't she, Stanley?
Yeah, she's very sweet.

What are you
gonna arrest her for?

Look. Can you just tell me
what apartment she's in?

I'll show you where it is.

Now that I think about it, there's
some very strange goings-on up there.

Very strange. Like what?

Like, uh, pacing.

You know, we had a pacer back in
my hometown. Very weird little guy.

Murdered a nun.

Oh, Jack. Listen, I'm sorry...

Where are you going?
I thought I'd take a walk.

At this hour? Why
don't you go to bed?

'Cause I hate myself. Can't
you hate yourself in the morning?

No, you don't understand, do ya?

Chrissy needed comforting, and
what did I do? I made her feel worse.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Who can that be?

Who is it? [ Mr. Roper
] Open up, Jack.

Just what I need. Roper.

Oh. Uh, Miss
Chrissy Snow, please.

Who are you?

Chrissy.

That's him! That's the creep
that called me a hooker.

Are you sure this is the guy?

I can't believe
it. Is it broken?

No, you just
bruised the knuckles.

I don't mean my hand. I mean
his face. How is he? Is he all right?

Just relax. Mr. and Mrs. Roper
are taking care of him. Just relax.

"Just relax"? I hit a cop,
and you tell me to just relax?

Come on. I don't think you could have
hurt him very much. What? What? What?

Do you have a small Band-Aid?

Yeah, medicine
chest, third shelf.

Thank you. See? All he
needs is a small Band-Aid.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's for Stanley.

He cut his finger on
your ice cube tray.

Ice cubes? I'm on my way to the
slammer, and your husband's mixing drinks?

No, the ice is for the ice
pack for Officer Lannigan.

To stop the swelling.

Swelling? I gave
the guy swelling?

This is great. Now
tell me to relax. Relax.

Oh. Ooh.

Do you have any idea what
the penalty is for hitting a cop?

- [ Chrissy ] What?
- How is he? How is he?

Oh, relax, Jack.

It's not that serious. Oh,
good. Thank you, Mrs. Roper.

Anyway, we'll know better as soon
as he's able to stand up by himself.

Did you hear that?
I'm finished. I've had it.

One minute I'm sound
asleep in my bed,

the next minute I'm a
picture on the post office wall.

All right. Take it
easy. Take it easy.

All right. Which one
of you guys hit me?

He's still a little dazed.

Well, it... it was, uh, me,
Officer. I'll... I'll go quietly.

Oh, I'm sure Jack
didn't mean to hurt you.

He's not... He's
not a violent person.

I would have
warned you if he was.

Thank you, sir. We need
more people like you.

You need him, you can have him.

Why'd you hit me, sir? That
was a terrible thing to do.

I feel really badly
that you did that to me.

Oh, God. I hurt
his feelings too.

I just don't understand why.

W-Well, I can understand
you not understanding,

but, you see, earlier
tonight you made a very

offensive remark to
my friend Chrissy here,

and that made me think that
you weren't such a nice guy.

- I can understand that.
- Oh, boy. I'm glad.

But I'd already figured out that
I was mistaken about Chrissy.

That's why I'm
here. To apologize.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

But then you hit me. Oh, well...

Officer, look. I'd like to apologize for
hitting you. W-Why don't we shake?

Fair enough. [ Whimpers ]

Well, that's settled.

Why don't we all have a drink?

- Come on, Stanley.
- Uh, thank you, ma'am,
but I can't drink on duty.

Ohh. You can
have a cup of cocoa.

- Cocoa?
- Yeah. For medicinal purposes.

Come on, Stanley.

- You're still on duty?
- Yes, miss. I'm in the process
of apprehending a felon.

Oh, well, listen, in that
case, don't let us keep you.

Apprehending a felon.
That sounds so exciting.

Yeah, who is it? You, sir.

[ Gulps ] Me, sir? Yes, sir.

- You assaulted a police officer.
- But you shook hands.

You can't arrest someone when
you shake hands. That's a rule.

It's like you can't take a giant step
before you say, "Mother, may I?"

Uh, I'm afraid
you're wrong, miss.

The rule is that if someone
attacks a police officer,

that someone has
got to be apprehended.

Oh. Uh, excuse me. I...

I feel a little woozy. I
think I'd better sit down.

That's better. See, I
didn't know you were a cop.

I thought you were a creep.

Let me get this straight. Your
intent was to assault a creep?

That's right. That's a
different matter altogether.

What we have here is a case
of assault on a police officer...

with intent to punch
a creep. Exactly.

However, according to the
book, I still have to take you in.

What are you doing
down there? Oh, I'm sorry.

Now, look, Officer, he didn't
know that you were a cop.

That's right. You
didn't identify yourself.

I'll have to think
about that one.

What do you mean you
have to think about that?

Janet. No.

Jack, who does he think he
is? Let him think about that.

No. She's right. Who
do you think you are?

Chrissy, he's
thinking about that.

Hey. What right have
you got anyway...

to be making lewd
advances to my friend here?

Uh, look here, miss. Huh?

I'm a police officer, and I have the right
to make lewd advances to anyone I like.

As long as I keep
dirt off the streets.

Well, you didn't flash
a badge or anything.

He flashed for Stanley.

Listen. I happen to know a
thing or two about the law.

Yeah. She watches
Police Woman every week.

I happen to know that what
you did is illegal, buster.

It's called entrapment. And for that you
deserve to have your lights punched out.

You'll have to excuse her,
Officer. You'll have to excuse her.

She's, uh... She
doesn't like heights.

No, wait a minute. She's right.

What kind of a police department
are you running anyway?

The idea of
propositioning young girls.

Encouraging sexual abandon.

I was not encouraging
sex. I was trying to stop sex.

That's even worse.

I think you'd better come
down to the station with me, sir.

I just thought of something. They're gonna
kick me out of cooking school for this.

And I'm only halfway
through puff pastry.

They won't let me finish the course. Nobody
wants a chef with a felony on his record.

Okay, sir. Come on.
Let's go. No. Wait, Officer.

Take it easy, Officer.
Don't be so rough.

You gotta be very
careful with his type.

- His type?
- They're very emotional,
that type.

- What type?
- You know.

Not me. Him.

You're gay?

Not always. Sometimes
I'm quite depressed.

Oh, boy.

This means I gotta tell my lieutenant I
was knocked down by a homosexual.

Yes, and you have
plenty of witnesses too.

Witnesses too.

[ Sighs ]

What's that for? Aren't we
going to be handcuffed together?

Look. Look here. I'm up for
Detective of the Year award.

[ Gasps ] Does that mean
you always get your man?

Yes.

No, no.

It's just that some of
my superiors, who are

wonderful officers,
might not understand.

Oh, don't you worry, Officer. We're
gonna make sure that they understand.

I, uh, just might have
been wrong about, uh...

Uh, yes. Here it is.
You were right, miss.

The rule is you cannot arrest
somebody after they shake hands.

I knew it!

You are a wonderful officer.

I, uh... I think I'll be going.

I'll show you the way.

Um, Miss Snow, could I
talk to you for a second?

Sure.

Excuse me.

What... What I wanted to say...

It's all right. Yeah? Okay.

You see, earlier this...

Look, I'm... I'm really sorry about
what happened at the club, okay?

Oh. Hey, it's okay.

It is? Oh, that's swell.

Because all the time that I was
talking to you down at the club,

I kept thinking, "Gee, it's too
bad that this dame is a hooker."

I mean, she doesn't look like
one. Oh. That's very sweet of you.

Can I make it up to you by taking
you to dinner tomorrow night?

I know this great
Italian restaurant.

Oh, I would love it.
That sounds like fun.

Terrific. You're
really a nice girl.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. Well, uh,
no hard feelings?

Hey, don't worry about
it. I'll give you a lift home.

As long as you don't mind
sitting in the backseat. You know.

No, thanks. I live here.

No. No. No, you... you
don't live here. She lives here.

- You do live here,
don't you?
- Uh-huh. With him.

With him?

- And me.
- Him and me?

No, no, no. Her and me and he.

Actually, it's her
and her and him.

No, no, no. It's her
and her and whatever.

The three of you
live here together?

- That's right.
- Right.

[ Chuckles ] Look, uh,

on second thought, why don't we
just forget about the Italian restaurant...

and have dinner at my place?

You know what I mean?
Yeah. I know what you mean.

You're really some
kind of guy, aren't you?

Yeah. When we met,

you thought I was a certain kind of person
'cause I was in a certain kind of place,

and then you thought
I was another kind of

person because I was
in another kind of place.

But when I met you, I
thought you were a creep.

But when you didn't arrest my friend
Jack, I thought you were a nice guy.

But you know what? What?

The creep just crept back. So why
don't you keep on creeping out of here?

It was just a thought.

I mean, uh...

I'm not busy tomorrow night.

But I wouldn't go
out with you anyway!

Oh.

Oh, Jack, I want to thank
you for standing up for me.

You are my hero. Chrissy, for you, I
would have punched out a squad car too.

Ooh. Mommy!

- I'll get the ice.
- Actually, I think it could use
some heat this time.

Would you rub right down
those knuckles? Sure. How's that?

That's great. Except the pain's
shooting up my arm. Oh, dear.

It's in the shoulder now.
Right in there. Oh, no.

Uh-oh. It went over to this shoulder.
But it's still in the other shoulder.

Now it's into the neck
area. Poor thing. In the neck.

There's... There's some
things in the earlobe. Earlobe.

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

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