Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 7 - Roper's Car - full transcript

Mrs. Roper wants her husband to sell his old car which is practically a lemon. The guys (Jack, Janet, and Crissy) needing a car offer to buy it and Mr. Roper sells it without fully disclosing to them what it's condition is. But when a used car salesman tells him that the model is a classic and he can sell it for more 10 k, Mrs Roper tells him to ask the guys top sell the car and give him a cut. But Roper doesn't want to.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

How did we ever collect so much junk
in the glove compartment of that old car?

Look at this stuff, Stanley.

Look, here's a melted
plastic Cracker Jack prize,

a bunch of Disneyland tickets.

Oh. A couple of packages
of petrified mustard.

Ew. Here's a... Here's a macaroon
with penicillin growing on it.

Helen, I'm trying
to concentrate here.

Hey, here's something you don't
find in a glove compartment very often.

Oh, hey, 1961.

Hey, what's this, Stanley?

What? What? This, this, this.

Oh, a miniature golf card.

Boy, I really used to score
pretty good in those days.

Well, times change.

Maybe I need a better
course to play on.

Oh, hey, here's... here's a couple of
ticket stubs to the West Covina drive-in.

Oh, I remember going there.

We saw John Wayne and
Montgomery Clift in Red River.

Oh, yeah, I remember too.

I was so ashamed.

It was the first time you ever took
me to a drive-in, and you fell asleep.

A lot of people fall asleep at the
movies. While they're necking?

"Necking"? I wouldn't neck
during a John Wayne picture.

It was a very good
Western movie.

It was two men
and a lot of bull.

Helen, I'm really
gonna miss that old car.

Remember, it took
us on our honeymoon.

[ Chuckles ] How
could I ever forget?

You cared more about that
car than you did about me.

- Helen, don't be ridiculous.
- It's true!

You fussed over that car for
hours after we got to the motel.

- Well, I had to. It was overheated.
- So was I.

[ Doorbell Rings ] I just
hope our next car is as good.

I got a lot of service
out of that old heap.

I wish I could say
the same for you.

Hi, Mr. Roper. Is your
wife in? Her mouth is.

- Jack. Hey.
- Hi, Mrs. Roper.

I got you that fresh oregano to
go with that veal recipe I gave you.

Oh, Jack, you're an angel!

Oh, hey, just one thing.

Do I bread the veal
before I sauté it?

Oh, no. Just dredge
it ever so lightly...

with a breath of
double-sifted flour.

I just love
listening to girl talk.

Yes, well, I better be going.

Say, I noticed you took that
"for sale" sign off your car outside.

Yeah, I called a used car dealer, and he
bought it over the phone, just like that.

Without ever seeing it first? Those
pros know a good thing when they hear it.

You should've bought that car when
I offered it to you a few weeks ago.

I couldn't afford $750.

Is that the price
you're getting for it?

Well, almost.

What, 700? Almost.

Almost nothing, he
means. He's getting 200.

Only 200? I'll see you later.

Don't forget to bring your
knitting with you next time.

Stanley, you shouldn't
say things like that to Jack.

- That was very sweet of him
to bring me that oregano plant.
- Yeah, I guess so.

You know, if I had a son, I'd
want him to be just like Jack.

Are you crazy? You'd have to go around
introducing him as "my son, the daughter."

Chrissy! Janet!

Chrissy, Janet, let's get
the troops out here! Move it!

Gee whiz. Where's
the fire? Where'd he go?

- In here!
- Oh.

What's the panic?
What do you want? $200.

You bought coffee again.

No, that's what Roper's
asking for his car.

Janet, would you put
that bag over there? Okay.

Chrissy, would you put that
bag over there? Sure. Ooh.

Ha-ha. Nice try, Jack. Shucks.

You wanna buy Roper's car?
No, I want us to buy Roper's car.

- It's a real steal.
- Yeah, but where are we
gonna get $200?

Look, you don't have $200,

you don't have $200,
and I don't have $200,

but together we
make a great act.


You're gonna give him
eggs instead of money?

He means that he wants us to
go in together to buy Roper's car.

We really need a car. It's murder
living in this town without wheels.

Yeah, really. Just to catch the bus
around here, we gotta walk 10 blocks.

That's right! If we had a car,
we could drive to the bus stop.

I could really use a car
for shopping, you know.

My arms have stretched six
inches carrying those bags.

[ Imitating Monkey, Spits ]

If we had a car, we could drive to that
neat Body Beautiful class in Sherman Oaks.

Yeah, I'd like that.
It's only for women.

Yeah, I know.

Right now that car could be the
greatest thing that's ever happened to us.

A real miracle, a
gift from heaven.

- Yeah, but is it a good car?
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.

When you borrowed the car that
time, you said it was a lousy car.

Well, for $750
it is a lousy car.

But for 200 it gets better.

What about all those red
patches of rust all over it?

Hey, if we leave them alone, they'll
grow together and become all one color.

I never thought of that.
Hey, what about insurance?

- We have to think
about that too.
- Oh, I've got an idea.

[ Janet ] What? We could pay it
off in easy monthly installments.

We have trouble paying the
rent in easy monthly installments.

Oh, you want a good idea.
[ Jack ] Chrissy, Janet, look.

I'm surprised at
you. Do you realize if

people waited until
they could afford things,

it would destroy the entire
economy of this country?

Oh, he's right. Let's do it.

Ooh. Okay, count me in.

Terrific. All for
one and one for all!

Jack, are you sure
we can manage this?

Everything will work
out fine, trust me.

[ Girls Gasp ] Aw, nuts.

I'm such an idiot.

Breakfast anyone?

[ Mutters ]

What do you kids want with a
20-year-old clunker anyway?

Well, we're not gonna
run it in the grand prix.

You'll be lucky if you
can run it in the street.

It's okay, Mrs. Roper.
We just need some wheels.

So does the car.

Helen, I'm trying to
type the bill of sale.

What's happened to "U"?
Nothing happened to me.

I don't mean Y-0-U
"you." I mean "U" "U."

You still wanna buy a
used car from this man?

The "U" on the typewriter,
somebody stole it.


Well, no use crying about it.

It's probably in Mexico
with a new paint job by now.

[ Mr. Roper ] That's very
funny, Helen. Very funny.

How do I type
"automobile" without a "U"?


The missing "U" is
an omen, Stanley.

You shouldn't have gone back
on your word to Mr. Wagstaff.

- Wagstaff, the used car dealer?
- Yeah. Stanley promised him
he could buy the car.

Yeah. And how come he
didn't shake hands on the deal?

Over the phone?

Stanley, you gave him your word.

You accepted his offer of $200.

She's right. I'm sorry, kids.
I gave my word to Wagstaff.

Oh. Quick, how much
money do you have?

Once I give my word, that's it.

Roper's word is Roper's bond.
That's a rule I never break.

We'll give you $212.60.

Except when it's $212.60.

We got a car.
Yeah! Look at this.

How about that? We got a car!

[ Imitating Car ]

May I open the door for
you, madam? Oh, thank you.

Madam, may I open the door
for you? [ Imitates Door Opening ]

Oh! We finally got a car.

Now we get to go to
those places we've never

been before... the
mountains, the Mojave Desert.

The gas station.

It just shows you what can
happen when we all pull together.

Oh, with that car, you
mean push together.

Just think, no more buses.

The first thing I've gotta do is
take that car down for a lube job.

But right now let's plan how
we're gonna use it. Okay.

This is what's gonna
happen tomorrow morning.

Since my school is way downtown,

I will drive you, Janet,
to your flower shop,

and then drop you, Chrissy, off in
front of your office building in Westwood.

That's terrific. Then you, Jack, can pick
up me, Chrissy, and her, Janet, after work.

But I get out of school way
before you two quit work.

So, you'll come home, then
come back and pick us up later.

How do I know what
I'm gonna be doing later?

I know. You'll be picking us up.

I don't want to spend the
rest of the day as a chauffeur.

But if you've got the car, then
we'll have to take the bus home.

I got a better idea.
I'll take the car.

I'll drop Janet off. Then you
can come with me to Westwood...

and take the bus downtown.

That way Janet and I
will have a ride home.

How do I get home?

You're welcome to come
with us. [ Jack ] Oh, good.

After you grab a bus
back to Westwood.

Wait. That's not fair. I'll be bussing
both ways while you two will be driving.

I have to go the farthest.

That's not our fault. We
didn't pick your school.

I got a better idea. Why
doesn't Chrissy drive

me downtown and take
the bus back to Westwood?

- That way I'll have the car.
- Hey, that's not bad,

because then you could bring
the car back to Westwood...

and leave it with Chrissy to
pick me up, and take a bus home.

That's a terrible idea. If I have to
drive him all the way downtown,

I have to get up
a half hour earlier.

Maybe I can drive Jack downtown.
And leave the car with me?

Then how do I get back to Santa
Monica? Jack can drive you back.

No, Jack cannot drive
her back. Why not?

Because Jack
just ran out of gas.

Gee whiz, what happened
to all that "pulling together"?

[ Groans ] Yeah, you're right.

We'll figure something out. I guess I
was forgetting the principle of the thing.

You know, it's not your car,
and it's not your car. It's our car.

You're absolutely right. I
just thought of something.

What happens if one
of us has an accident?

In my car? I mean...

[ Chuckles ] I... You know...

[ Imitating Car ] Here,
take the wheel. [ Chuckles ]

You sold your car for $212.60?

Yeah, Wagstaff. You
only offered me 200.

That's why I had to wheel
and deal, right, Helen?

You're the wizard of
Wall Street, Stanley.

It's too bad, Mr. Roper.
I'd have gone higher.

Higher? You didn't tell me on
the phone that you'd go higher.

I'm in the used car racket. I always
leave a little room for haggling.

You didn't tell me that I had to haggle.
What kind of a businessman are you?

Well, it seems a shame to let a gem
like that go for a couple of hundred.

- A "gem"?
- He's trying to make us
feel bad.

- The car's really an old wreck.
- Maybe so, but didn't you say
it was a '57 Chevrolet?

Yeah. So? So 1957 was a
very special year to car buffs.

That particular
model is a classic.

A classic?

Yeah. You could've
gotten $1200 for it.

[ Stammering ]

Aah! Aah! $1200? $1200?

Careful, Stanley. They're bringing
back the death penalty for murder.

Used car salesmen don't count!

And you offered me 200?

I told you I left room for
haggling. Okay. Let's haggle.

- It's too late now.
- Maybe it's not too late.

But, Stanley, the kids paid you
the money! They own the car now.

But I never signed over the
registration. You gave them your word.

I also gave my word
to Wagstaff here.

So now you're going
back on both words.

Wrong. I'm only going back
on the second word, not the first.

I should've stuck with the
first word in the first place.

The second word doesn't count,
because the first word came first,

and that's why I'm
going with the first word.

But you don't own
the car anymore.

But I can get it
back in two shakes.

Yeah. Two shakes
of a rat's tail.

Helen, I'm doing this for
you, my darling sweetheart.

Did he say that, or
are you a ventriloquist?

Helen, think of all the lovely
things I can buy for you with $1200.

Yeah. A new power drill.

Yeah, a new power drill.

Well, you like me to fix things
around the house, don't you?

Yeah. I'd like you to
start with your head.

Helen, I'm gonna get that
car back! Look, Stanley,

you cheat those kids,
and you're gonna regret it!

I'll... I'll... I'll
withhold my favors.

Now I've gotta
get that car back.

Look, I haven't
got time for this.

Sit! Y... Mmm.

Stanley, I'd like to make a
better deal just the same as you,

but we don't have
to trick the kids.

I'm sure if you
leveled with them,

they'd split the 1200 with us.

Split the 1200? Never!

If you don't promise
to split with them,

I'll go up there and tell them
they should keep the car...

and sell it for whatever
they can get for it.

Wait a minute. I'll go up and
tell them that I'll split with them.

You promise? I promise.

Thank you, Stanley.

But you gotta
promise me something.

Yeah? What?

That you'll still
withhold your favors.

I'm really getting
the hang of sewing.

It's only taken me four
weeks to hem these pants.

There we go.


[ Clicks Tongue ] Oh, no.

Oh, don't worry, Chrissy.

They'll look just fine as long as
you walk with one foot in the gutter.

[ Sighs ] [ Grunting ]


Oh, I'm sorry, Chrissy.

- Hi, team.
- Hey, are you back
from the garage already?

Yeah. I thought it took longer
than that to have the oil changed.

Uh, the mechanic
said not to change it.

Oh, good! I can hardly wait
to drive up the coast tomorrow.

That was really a smart thing
you did, making us buy that car.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Jack.

Uh... Wh... Why did the mechanic
say not to change the oil in the car?

Uh, because of the transmission.

- What about the transmission?
- The oil is the only thing
holding it together.

That was really a dumb thing
you did, making us buy that car.

- It's just one of
those rotten breaks.
- "Rotten brakes"?

Yeah, the car's got
those too. Oh, gee! Oh!

Is there anything
else wrong with it?

You mean, besides the shock
absorbers and the water pump?

How much is it gonna
cost to fix all this?

You don't wanna know,
and I don't wanna tell you.

In the olden days,
they used to chop off the

head of the bearer of
bad news with an ax.

How much? $300.

Get the ax. I'm sorry.

Gee whiz, Jack! Where
are we gonna get $300?

If we sold the car,
we could get 200.

Listen, you, this
is all your fault.

You told us we could handle
that car. Don't blame me.

When I told you that, you should've
understood something. What?

That I'm stupid, stupid, stupid!
Don't stop me. Jack, please...

Who is stopping you? Harder,
harder! [ Doorbell Rings ]

I thought women were supposed
to be forgiving. I am forgiving.

I'm "for giving" you a
good, swift kick... Hey!

Hello. Mr. Roper.

Nice to see ya.

Uh, I was just
thinking about the car.

- It may not be as good
as it looks.
- Oh, it's as good as it looks.

- Yeah, but something could go
wrong with it, like tomorrow.
- Or even sooner.

Yeah. See? I wouldn't
want that on my conscience.

- You trying to say something?
- Yeah. I just spoke
to Mrs. Roper,

and she finally agreed with me.

- Uh, I'm gonna make
a split with you.
- A "split"?

Yeah. I'll take the car back,
and I'll give you back your money.

- [ Together ] What?
- I'll give you 50 bucks on top,
just for your trouble.

$50? Okay, 75.

Is it a deal? Is it a
deal? Is it a deal?

- It is not a deal.
- Chrissy. Chrissy,

the nice man has just
offered to take back his car!

It is not a deal.

Boy, Chrissy, you are tough.

Okay, $100, but
that's my final offer.

- [ Together ] We'll take it!
- We won't take it.

[ Groaning ]

Could I see you two
in the kitchen, please?

Certainly, certainly. Would you
excuse us for a minute, Mr. Roper?

Don't leave. Here,
read something.

Are you nuts? It's the
answer to our prayers.

That is not true. Nobody prayed.

Okay, Chrissy. Okay.

We'll start now, okay? Please
make Chrissy change her mind.

Or better yet, give her one.

It is not honest to sell him back his car
without telling him what's wrong with it.

You don't think he knows?
Do you think Mr. Roper...

would've sold us his car if he
knew what was wrong with it?

Well, even so, we gotta be
honest with him, or it's no deal.

Mr. Roper? Yes?

Before we let you
buy your car back,

you ought to know that there
are a lot of things wrong with it.

Really? Like what?

Tell him. [ Clears Throat ]

Well, uh, it needs brakes.


And shocks. Okay.

And a new water pump.
A few bucks, that's all.

That's it. No. Jack,
you forgot something.

What? The transmission.

Well, is it a deal?

It's a deal. [ Chuckling ]

Okay. [ Chuckles ]

Here's your money,
plus $100. Okay.

But do me a favor. Don't
tell Mrs. Roper about the 100,

'cause she always thinks
I'm much too generous.

If she says anything to you, just tell
her that we made a very equitable split.

Whatever you say,
Mr. Roper, and thanks.

You know, I... I misjudged you.
You're really a pretty nice guy.

As a matter of fact, I'm
beginning to like you.

Just watch it, will you,
Jack? [ Doorbell Rings ]

Roper, I can't wait any longer.
It's all right. I got the car back.

- Did you give the kids
a fair deal?
- We made a very equitable split.

Stanley, I'm proud of you.

Some days he's almost human.

All right, Roper. Here's
my check for 1200.

- [ Both ] What?
- $1200?

Wait a minute. You're not
gonna do this to me twice.

This time we're gonna haggle.

It's not every day you
come across a '57 Chevy.

- '57? That car's a '58.
- '58?

Jack, Jack, sonny boy,

you don't know
anything about cars.

I mean, to car buffs, a
'57 Chevy is a classic.

Now, I remember buying
that car in October, 1957.

It was one of the first new
models that came out for 19...

[ Together ] '58.

Oh, my God. Bye-bye.

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. That
car's gotta be worth something. Please!

- All right. I'll take a look at it.
- It's right out front.

Look at the beautiful lines.

We can make a
deal, can't we? Sure.

I can give you a good
deal. You're a gentleman.

Give me 25 bucks,
and I'll tow it away.

You're a bum!

Don't worry, Stanley. Somebody
will buy the car from you.

You know what they say.

There's one born every minute.

You think so, Helen?

Sure, Stanley.

You're the living proof.

Well, I wasn't so
stupid after all, was I?

Uhn... [ Whistles ]


Come on. [ Chuckles ]

Ow! Ow!


Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.
What can we do for you?

Uh, remember yesterday
when I was playing fair with you,

you took me for $100?

I was just wondering...

Mr. Roper, you don't
have to say another word.

- We're gonna give your $100
back to you.
- Oh, that's very nice.

Yeah. Give it to him, Chrissy.

"To my darling wife. From
her loving husband, Stanley."

- What's this?
- It's a coat Mrs. Roper's had
her eye on for a long time.

So we took the money
and bought it for you.

You can give it to her as a
present. Won't that be nice?

It was a real bargain...
99 dollars and 99 cents.

But I don't want to give her
a present. I want my $100.

You want us to tell Mrs. Roper about the
equitable split that you didn't give us?

On second thought, maybe
she deserves a present.

Aw! [ Chuckles ]

Oh, one thing. Yes, Mr. Roper?

Just to wipe the slate clean,

you wanna give me
the penny you owe me?

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