Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 6 - Alone Together - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door

♪ We've been waitin' for you

♪ Where the kisses are

♪ hers and hers and his

♪ Three's company too

♪ Come and dance on our floor

♪ Take a step that is new

♪ We've a lovable

♪ space that needs your face

♪ Three's company too

♪ You'll see that life is a ball again



♪ Laughter is calling for you

♪ Down at our rendezvous

♪ Three is company too

♪ Down at our rendezvous

♪ Three is company too

You can't take those undershorts, Stanley.

They're torn.

It's not gonna be formal, Helen.

Look, I can't help the hole in your head,

but you're not leavin' here

with a hole in your shorts.

You're still mad at me 'cause

I'm taking this trip, huh?

Mad just because you prefer



to spend your night...

lookin' at some godforsaken

piece of desert

instead of at me?

Desert?

You call this property a desert?

Look at this.

Look.

See the hotel?

See the swimming pools?

See the tennis courts?

Where?

Right there where it says,

"Artist's conception."

Ohh....

It's a long way

between conception and birth,

you know.

Why do you have to bring sex

into everything?

If I don't, who will?

It looks like nothin' now,

but that's why you can get it so cheap,

You see, that's the trick.

You buy low,

and you wait for it to go up.

And suppose it doesn't?

The only trouble with you, Helen

you're afraid to take a risk.

You don't have any guts.

I married you, didn't I?

I just wanna go up there

to make some money for us.

Oh, Come on, Stanley. I know you.

You wanna go up there

for the free plane ride

and the free entertainment.

My toothbrush.

They'll take you

for everything you've got.

Helen,

I'm in the bathroom.

Oh. Oh, sorry, Stanley.

I only meant....

Well, you're such a pushover

for a sales pitch.

Helen, don't worry.

I'm not gonna lay out a penny

until I'm convinced it's a sure thing.

I'm nobody's fool.

Oh, yes, you are.

You're mine,

all mine.

Well...,

I got a couple hours till the plane leaves.

How am I gonna kill the time?

Does, uh,

this give you

any ideas?

Yeah.

I forgot my aspirin.

Good morning.

Hi.

Uh, excuse me.

I'd like to ask a question,

but I don't know

which end to talk to.

What is it, Jack?

Ah. There you are.

What is this supposed to do for ya?

Oh, well, it eases the mind,

it soothes the spirit

and it firms up the body.

Yeah, well, don't get too firm.

I like to see a jiggle now and then.

These exercises wouldn't do you

any harm.

Ah, this stuff's not for me.

When I want exercise,

I go down to the gym.

I lift some weights,

punch the bag,

do a couple miles around the track.

Real exercise.

This is kid stuff.

Kid stuff, huh?

I'd like to see you try it.

Oh, this is gonna be easy.

I'm...

What do you want me to do?

Oh, well,

let's start with a simple posture.

The lotus.

The lotus?

Yeah. Hmm. Take one of your "feets,"

Yeah.

lift it up with the bottom

towards the ceiling...

and gently place it in this position.

It's easy.

Okay, Now take the other

and do the same thing.

Gently.

Hey. That's pretty good.

Thank you. See? I told you it was easy.

That's really great.

I didn't think he could do it.

Oh, yeah, Jack. Nice goin'.

Thank you.

When does it stop?

When does what stop?

The pain.

Okay, Janet. How do I get out of this?

Oh, that's next week's lesson.

No. Janet! Come here.

Hey. It was easy, huh?

Well, I said it was easy getting into it.

I didn't say anything about

getting out of it, Come on

All right. I'll help you.

Oh, wait a minute.

Gotta get the phone. Geez!

Hello? Oh, yeah, yeah. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hey, it's for you.

Shall I say you're all tied up?

Hand me the phone.

Okay.

Hello?

Oh, it's you, Linda. Ooh. Ah.

How are you, baby?

Huh?

How come I sound so passionate

this early in the morning?

Oh, uh,

well, I guess it's 'cause I'm talking to you.

I can't help myself.

Geez...

Listen, Linda. Real fast.

You wanna do something tomorrow night?

Oh, terrific. Well, look uh...,

I gotta run now, okay?

I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye. Here.

Okay.

Help me out of this.

Would you please help me out of this?

All right. All right.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ah.

Ohh. Easy!

You wanna make a wish?

No, you're not.

Oh, good morning, Chrissy.

Hi. Come on in.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh, no. We're just exercising.

Oh!

Did you lose something, Jack?

Yeah. My circulation.

What's new, Mrs. Roper?

Oh, Stanley's leaving me.

Oh, Mrs. Ro...

Hold the congratulations.

He's only gonna be gone overnight.

A business trip.

Oh.

So tonight I'll be, free as a bird

have the house all to myself,

be able to do anything I please.

Ah, that's nice.

What do you plan to do?

I plan to be terrified.

What?

Oh, Janet, I hate being alone.

It scares me to death.

I jump at every little noise.

Oh, gee. Well, listen.

Why don't you get somebody

to stay overnight with you?

Well, I wouldn't want to impose.

That is no imposition.

A real friend'd be glad to do that.

Oh, thank you, Janet. I accept.

What?

You're a real friend.

Oh, but Mrs. Roper...

Oh, I'm so excited!

Just imagine.

Tonight I'll have someone to talk to.

That was very nice of you, Janet,

to volunteer like that.

But don't worry about us.

Chrissy and I will think of something to do.

I'll bet you will.

What do you mean, "I'll bet you will"?

I know what she means.

I know what was going through

your wicked little mind...

when you said, "I bet you will."

You think the moment you're gone,

I'm gonna grab Chrissy like this

and bend her over...

and smother her with kisses...

and pick her up in my arms

and throw her on the couch

and then who knows what.

What?

Is that the kind of guy

you think I am?

Yes.

Well, I'm not gonna stand here

and be insulted.

I'm leaving.

Oh, yeah. Where are you going?

Well, I gotta do some fast shopping...

for a very special dinner for two.

Uh, Chrissy,

maybe I shouldn't stay

with Mrs. Roper tonight.

Now I'm insulted.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong.

Hey, I have been alone

with Jack before.

it Never for all night.

Do you think I need a chaperone?

Is that what you think?

Oh, no, no. I'm just saying

don't do anything to give him

the wrong ideas...

or the right ideas

or any ideas.

Like what?

Well, like..

walking around the apartment

in your little, teeny, shorty nightgown

or getting too close to him

or..

Oh, gee..

Look, Chrissy.

All I'm trying to say is...

don't be yourself.

Chrissy,

how about a little wine and cheese

before dinner?

Chrissy,

aren't you gonna join me?

Coming!

Chrissy.

I know. I look icky, don't I?

No. You look wonderful.

I do?

Yeah. Natural and real.

It's such a refreshing change.

It is?

Yeah. Those curlers--

Oh, Chrissy.

Reminds me of my first girlfriend.

I was crazy about her.

You were?

Oh, yeah.

Every time I came to her house,

she had these curlers in her hair.

It really turned me on.

They did?

You know something, Chrissy?

I love it

when you're not afraid

to be yourself in front of me.

It makes me feel so much

closer to you.

It does?

Yeah.

Come on. Sit down.

What are you doin'?

I'm reading.

Oh, isn't that kind of rude?

You said you liked me to be myself.

Oh, yeah, but I didn't mean

to pull out a book and start..

Hey, but it is

I'm at the most exciting part.

I just can't put it down.

A Visitor's Tour of Sacramento?

Well, it belonged to my father.

Chrissy.

The minister...

preached a sermon there once...

in a church.

You know something, Chrissy?

Even when you're rude, you're cute.

I am?

Yeah.

Hi, everybody! I'm home!

Home.

Well, well, well.

Oh, good morning, Chrissy.

Good morning, Jack.

Oh, hi, Janet.

Hi.

Well, we had a pretty exciting evening.

That's nice.

Yeah, I mean,

Mrs. Roper and I had quite

an exciting evening.

I'm glad.

Where's Jack?

He's in the bathroom.

Oh.

Yeah, I mean to tell you,

that Mrs. Roper and I

had a pretty exciting evening.

Yeah. We played dominoes

for about four hours.

Which reminds me,

I still owe Mrs. Roper

1,700 matchsticks.

That's nice.

Yeah, and we talked.

Yeah. Yes, we did.

Did you know that Mrs. Roper's mother

was a dressmaker?

Yes. Yes, she was.

Yeah. You know,

when Mrs. Roper married Stanley,

her mother made all

the bridesmaids' gowns for the wedding.

All in black satin.

That's nice.

Chrissy, is something wrong?

Oh, Janet, will you knock it off?

The last thing I need is

your third degree,

so just get off my back, okay?

Chrissy!

♪ Oh, what a beautiful mornin' ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day

♪ I've got....

Jack, are you decent?

Depends on what you've got in mind.

Jack.

Sure. Come on in.

Hi.

Hi.

Isn't it a sensational day? I feel great.

The sun is shining.

The birds are singing. Surf's up.

How was your night?

Oh, it was okay,

but I always find it hard

sleeping in a strange bed.

Oh, me too.

♪♪ "Oh, What A Beautiful Morning"

So, what did you do?

Oh, nothin' much.

it was very quiet without you around.

Thank you.

No. I mean it gave me a chance

to get really close to Chrissy.

How close?

Well, you know,

I know a lot more about her now

than I did before.

When Chrissy's had a little to drink,

she really loosens up.

How loose?

Did you know

she has a heart-shaped birthmark

right on her..

Yes, I did.

And that she talks in her sleep.

Jack.

♪ There's a bright golden

♪ haze on the meadow

Uh, Chrissy...

Uh, I think maybe we should talk

about last night?

Oh, I can't.

It's just too humiliating.

Humiliating?

I knew it.

Oh, now, listen, Chrissy.

Listen.
Men can really be beasts

sometimes.

You beast.

How did it start?

Oh, it started out real nice.

And then we had some wine.

Oh, boy, does he know his onions.

Oh, no, we didn't have any onions.

We had some cheese and..

No. No, No

No. No. Chrissy.

What happened after the wine?

We talked.

And?

He kissed me on the forehead.

Before or after?

Instead of.

Do you mean that he didn't try to..

No.

Not even a little..

No.

He just wasn't interested.

Wasn't interested?

Oh, Janet,

do you think I'm losing my sex appeal?

Ohh...,

Come on!

Well, he didn't try anything all night.

Well, Chrissy...

Oh, I am losing my sex appeal.

Well, what did you want him to do?

Nothing.

Well, that's what he did.

Well, at least he could've tried.

Well, would he have succeeded?

Of course not, but he didn't know that.

You're right. Men are really beasts.

Beast!

It's all Mr. Roper's fault

for going away in the first place.

Wh...

Fun?

Helen, I'm not having any fun.

No. What do you mean,

"It sounds like fun"?

No. That's some crazy party

in the next room.

Kept me up all night.

As a matter of fact,

I called the police

to complain about it.

I'm not a spoilsport.

Do you know I had to drink

seven cups of cocoa to get to sleep?

And then I couldn't sleep

'cause I kept goin' to the bathroom.

What?

The property?

Yeah. I saw the property.

It's a very nice piece of desert.

But the one thing I can't figure out

is where they're gonna get

the water from.

Oh, Hold it somebody at the door.

Come in.

Hey, Roper, what's the matter?

I just found out you're not at the party.

You're missin' out on a swell time,

right, Sherry?

Mm. It's a real blast.

Is that your party next door?

Yeah. Didn't you get the invitation?

I never got an invitation.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Oh. Sherry Lee, Stan Roper.

How do you do, Stanley?

Hello.

Sherry, is it?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Stan, come on out to the pool.

We're all gonna take a skinny dip.

Skinny dip?

Helen, listen. I got a meeting.

Mr. Crawford just came in

with one of his...

men.

Yeah.

He's the only guy on the whole plane

that hasn't bought a lot yet.

Yeah, well, he's the only one that isn't

bombed out of his skull.

Well, we get one or two freaks

once in a while.

Work on him.

Okay, but

why do they always

have to look like that?

I'll be home tonight, Helen.

Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Stanley,

could I use your bathroom for a minute?

I spilled a little drinky-poo

on my blouse.

Sure. Go ahead.

Say, Stan. Now,

I don't wanna scare you,

but everybody's buyin' up

those lots out there.

I'm afraid they're all gonna be gone

unless you sign up right now.

But what about the water?

The water?

The water's fine.

Why don't you come on out

and splash around with the girls?

Have some fun?

I don't mean that water.

I mean...

Stanley.

Ooh. On second thought,

I think you can have some fun

right here, huh?

Hey, listen. I'll save that lot for ya.

See ya later, Stan.

Yeah, but Mr. Crawford, I..

Stanley.

What is it?

Do you have a shirt I could wear?

I had to wash my blouse.

But you're not wearing any..

But it's soaking wet.

I don't think I have a shirt in your...

sizes... uh, size.

I'll take anything you've got.

I don't have anything.

I mean, shouldn't I..

should.. should..

Shouldn't we..

Police!

Oh, my God! It's a raid!

Hey, Charlie, here's another one.

Okay, you two. Let's go.

But you don't understand, Officer.

I'm the one who called.

That's right, gramps.

You called. She came.

So let's go. Let's go.

Get dressed.

That's right, Linda.

Where do you wanna go tonight?

Jack, please.

Uh, listen, Linda.

I have to go.

Can you call me back in a little bit?

Oh, thanks. Okay. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Listen, Jack.

I know this sounds stupid,

but I think you should apologize

to Chrissy.

She's upset about last night.

Nothing happened last night.

Well, that's what I mean.

Just a minute.

You mean she expected me to..

And she's upset because

I didn't make a..

Well, that's crazy.

Oh, now, listen, Jack.

Chrissy knows you come on strong

with every girl you meet.

So last night,

when you didn't come on with her,

she thought she wasn't worth the effort.

Oh,

with Chrissy, it wouldn't be an effort.

Tell her.

Chrissy?

Hey, I'm sorry you're upset.

Who says I'm upset?

Well, you always eat too much

when you're upset.

So I'm fat and ugly. Who cares?

I do.

Look, Chrissy,

I'm sorry I didn't make a pass at you

last night.

Oh, Janet,

how could you have told him?

No, no, no. Wait. Wait. Chrissy

Chrissy, I wanna talk to you.

Come here.

Now, sit down, Chrissy.

Look. See, I thought that...

Chrissy, she told me

because she loves you.

And I love you.

I mean, I don't love you, love you.

I love you in a "like you" kind of way.

You know, when I say "I love you..."

Get on with it.

Chrissy, I thought

we had a great time last night.

Maybe it could have been even better.

Maybe I..

would've tried to get it on with you,

but I'm seeing Linda now

on a regular basis,

and I can't help it.

I guess I'm a one-woman kind of guy,

you understand? One at a time.

It is not important.

It is important.

If I wasn't dating Linda,

I'd have been all over you last night.

Oh, yeah. I would've thrown you

on the sofa and

ripped off your clothes and

attacked you like a mad dog.

Oh, Jack, thank you.

Chrissy, Chrissy.

That'll be Linda again.

She's crazy about me.

You okay now, Chrissy?

All better?

Hi. Linda?

Ah, Mrs. Roper.

Hi, Janet.

Hi.

Oh, excuse me.

This is personal. What?

Oh, Sure.

What time is Mr. Roper

getting home today?

O, oh, Well, I just had a call from him,

He says that he's gonna have to stay

in Apache Springs for two more days.

Why? What happened?

I don't know.

He was very vague about it.

Something about

official business...

and being detained

for 48 hours.

Oh?

I just hope he checks with me...

before he gets everything locked up.

Oh, Janet, I hate to impose, but..

well, could you stay with me

for two more nights?

Oh.

Well, go ahead. Don't worry about me.

Remember. He's got Linda.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I'll be down tonight.

Oh, wonderful!

Oh, that's swell.

Hey, I'll polish up the dominoes.

Well, I forgot about the dominoes.

Boy, that Linda.

I'm thinking of breaking it off with her.

She said something I didn't dig.

What?

She said, "Get lost."

She's found another guy.

Well, anyway,

you're lookin' at a free man, girl.

So what's on for tonight?

Boy, Helen, it was so humiliating.

I mean, being carried off

like.. like a criminal?

With that girl?

I'm so glad to be home in my own bed,

in my own pajamas,

and my own cocoa.

And your own wife.

Mm?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that too. Yeah.

Stanley?

Was she pretty?

Huh?

Oh, I..

I don't remember.

You don't? Really?

Of course not.

I'm a happily married man.

Oh,

that's nice to hear.

Good night, Stanley.

Good night, Sherry.

Three's Company was videotaped
in front of a studio audience.