Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 5 - Chrissy's Date - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door

♪ We've been waitin' for you

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his

♪ Three's company too

♪ Come and dance on our floor

♪ Take a step that is new

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face

♪ Three's company too

♪ You'll see that life
is a ball again

♪ Laughter is calling for you

♪ Down at our rendezvous



♪ Three is company too

♪ Down at our rendezvous

♪ Three is company too

Hold it, hold it! You can't
use a word like that.

I'm not finished yet.
L-E. "Title."

Oh, sorry.

There you go. Z-Y-X-I-K.

That's 10 points for the
"Z," eight for the "X."

Wait a minute. What is a zyxik?

You really don't
know what a zyxik is?

No.

It's an Abyssinian nose flute.

It makes the sound of
a female rhinoceros...

who's in the mood
for a little loving.



But you better not blow it
unless you really mean it.

- I don't believe you, Jack.
- It's true.

Hey, I remember reading about
this native guide Mboko.

He once blew the zyxik, and he
didn't jump out of the way in time.

Yuck, what a mess. Broke
his zyxik and everything.

Nice. No points.

Hey, I thought you
two were going out.

We are. Oh, hey, Chrissy,
what is a zyxik?

- It's an Abyssinian nose flute.
- It is?

- Well, that's what you just said.
- No points.

Hey, look, Lloyd is gonna be here in five
minutes, so we don't want games all over.

- What's he coming for, then?
- Dinner.

Oh, and then games?

You know something? You
have a one-track mind.

I don't care, just so long as
it takes me where I want to go.

Hey, Janet, what's
this guy like?

Who, Lloyd? Oh, Lord, he's ancient.
He must be at least 40.

You know, he still
remembers Chubby Checker.

Some of these 40-year-old guys can still
move around pretty good, you know.

I'll tell you what. I think
it's getting pretty serious.

She's been going out
with him for weeks now.

She must be after his
Social Security checks.

Chrissy, would you like me to stay and help
Lloyd up the stairs with his wheelchair?

Ha, ha, ha!

At least Lloyd's got
some sophistication.

I don't suppose you
know what that means.

I sure do. It means you cover
your mouth with one hand...

while you're picking your
teeth with the other.

Lloyd's got style.
He's got class.

Will you stop looking
into my pots!

I don't want any criticism
about my cooking.

My lips are sealed.

And so will his be
when he eats that.

Get lost. You're taking
a big risk, Chrissy.

I mean, you've never
cooked before.

Well, he's not gonna be looking at
the food with me wearing this dress.

What's this guy actually like, Chrissy?
Where did you meet him?

- At the supermarket.
- Oh, no. He picked you up?

No. You see, I
dropped my liver...

A handkerchief
would've been better.

And then he picked it up and he gave
it back to me.

Oh, that's class!

And then there was this long line at the check-out
counter, and he let me in front of him.

So he could get a better
look at your rump roast?

I didn't buy any. Oh, you!

Oh, that's Lloyd!
Can you let him in while I fix my hair?

Lloyd's here! Oh,
I'm so excited!

- Hi. Come on in.
- Hi.

Oh, I'll take that. Thank you.

Well, you must be Janet. Yep.

Chrissy didn't tell me you
were beautiful.

I like him. Oh, good evening.

- Good evening. I'm Jack Tripper.
- Lloyd Cross.

Why? Did Mommy spank you?

Uh, won't you sit down?

You must be tired after
climbing that flight of stairs.

Not really.

Well, uh, Chrissy tells me
you're at technical college.

Studying dressmaking?

Cooking.

Oh, well, I knew it was
something like that.

Do you remember Bill
Haley and the Comets too?

- What?
- One, two, three o'clock Four o'clock rock

Hi. Lloyd, this is Jack.

Lloyd, this is Janet. Jack,
Janet, this is good-bye.

Oh, sure, right. Come on, Jack.

We're just now leaving. Yeah. If you
need anything, I'll be right outside.

Come on, Jack!

Oh, you look beautiful!

Oh, so do you.

If we keep this up much longer,
my broccoli will get soft.

Am I boring you?

- I'm sorry. I'm just worried about Chrissy.
- Oh, come on Jack. She can take care of herself.

She's not by herself. She's
with that Lloyd character.

Wouldn't be jealous, would you?

Jealous?

Me? Of course not.
I just don't like his type.

You know, good-looking,
charming, successful.

Wow! And you didn't like him?

Gee, I thought opposites
attracted each other.

Come on. As long as we have to stay out of
the house, we might as well have some fun.

How about a movie?
That's a good idea.

There's one playing right down
the street: Lust in the Dust.

Isn't that a dirty picture?

Dirty? Dirty is in the eye of the beholder.
It's all in the way you look at it.

Oh, really? Then how
do you look at it?

Like this.

It's a dictatorship, Hellen.

I tell you, we're living
in a police state.

Oh, all they're doing is putting a
parking meter in front of our house.

It's gonna cost me a fortune to
park outside my own front door.

- Two beers, Joe.
- And I'll have a gin on the rocks.

You know I gotta run outside and put a quarter
in that meter every two hours.

- So why don't you give the car away?
- Give it away?

- Are you kidding? That car is practically brand-new.
- It's an old lemon.

- Don't knock it, Hellen.
- I don't have to. It does that all by itself.

- That car's a good buy for somebody.
- Ah, come on.

- Who'd be dumb enough to wanna buy
- Jack!

Look who's here, Hellen.
It's Jack.

- Hi, kids.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.

- Well, gee, how nice.
- Oh, that's.. that's nice. Thank you.

Want to buy a car?

Your car? You mean that
white and red Chevy?

It's a white Chevy.
The red is rust.

That car runs along
very quietly.

Yes. I've seen Mrs.
Roper pushing it.

- It hardly uses any gas.
- That's 'cause I'm always pushing it.

You didn't pay for
the drinks, Stanley.

Yeah, okay. Listen.
Think it over.

- If you wanna look at it, it's parked right outside.
- Don't buy it.

If it runs over a cigarette
butt, the hubcaps fall off.

Gee, speaking of cars, I sure like
that Maserati Lloyd drove up in.

Oh, Lloyd Cross. Yeah, I saw him
getting out of it a little while ago.

Oh, do you know him?

Well, I've met him once or
twice, but I know his wife.

His wife?

My! These ice cubes seem to
have soaked up all my gin.

I better get a refill.

Does Chrissy know he's married?

Of course not.

I got him sold, Hellen.

Lovely.

Nice, full body.

Gorgeous color.

Yes, good wine.

That too.

Tell me about yourself.

Why?

Well, I just think that we ought
to get to know each other better.

Well, I know an incredibly
quick way to do that.

Uh, what are your
hopes, your ambitions?

I mean your other hopes
and your other ambitions.

Well, if I'm gonna
do all that talking,

I've got to warm
up my lips first.

It's all right. Hey, don't stop
what you're doing on our account.

Just pretend we're not here.

What are you doing here?
It is only 9:30!

Yeah, but Janet thought of
a great word she can use.

Oh, I can think
of a few myself.

- What are you guys trying to do?
- Play Scrabble.

See, It's a crossword game, and
you make words out of...

- Of all of the rotten, dirty...
- I've gotta get going anyway.

Well, it's been half
of a lovely evening.

Oh, my. Are you
leaving so soon?

Awww! Awww!

Hey, I am sorry.

That's okay. I was hoping
to get to bed early anyway.

We know.

How about having dinner
with me tomorrow night?

I'd love to. I'll
pick you up at 7:00.

No. Why don't we meet
at the Regal Beagle?

I don't like the element that's
been hanging around here.

- Okay. I'll see you then.
- Good night.

Good night.

I don't wanna hear
your explanations!

But it better be good, because
I won't believe a word of it!

He's married, Chrissy.

Oh, I thought you
were my friends, but...

Married?

Well, I don't believe you.

Believe it, Chrissy.

Oh, hi. Hello, Lloyd.
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, that's okay. These... These
things happen.

- Well, how are you?
- Fine.

Look, uh, Chrissy, I'm
sorry about last night.

But I'm just not that
crazy about Scrabble.

That's a shame.

You know, Jack came up with a very
interesting word just after you left.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh, two glasses of the
burgundy and a large napkin.

Well, tonight is going
to be different.

Yes. You know, maybe after dinner
we could go back to your place?

- Of course we could!
- We could?

Except that it's
being redecorated.

I thought it might be.

Oh, my! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh, that's okay.
I was wet already.

Well, uh, try not to spill
this one on me, huh?

- What time is it?
- It's a half...

Uh, time for another drink.

Uh, Chrissy, I... I don't think
I mentioned it last night,

but I have to go to San Francisco this
weekend on a business conference.

But my secretary
got the flu, see?

And, well, I really need somebody there
with me to, uh, take notes and...

Purely business, of course.

Oh, that's a shame.
Separate rooms, of course.

I'd be frightened to
sleep all by myself.

I wouldn't think of--

I beg your pardon?

Well, couldn't we have
rooms next to each other,

with a connecting door?

Well, just by coincidence, our
rooms are right there together.

- Marvelous!
- Yeah.

Well, here's to our
wonderful weekend together.

Oh, there's one little thing
that might spoil it for us.

What's that, darling?

You're married, darling.

Here you go.

Are you all right?

No. I was just thinking
about poor Chrissy.

You know, married men should
be forced to wear a ring.

That wouldn't help. They
could always take it off.

Not if it's through their nose.

Well, sink your teeth into that.
It'll make you feel better.

Mmm! Delicious! What is this?

Fattening.

Hi.

You're back early.

What did Lloyd do when you told
him you knew he was married?

He went home to
change his pants.

Now that's class.

But first he told me
something that I didn't know.

What was that? He's divorced.

- Divorced?
- Yes, for over a year.

Excuse me while I go
change into a clean face.

Oh, gee, Chrissy, I'm sorry.
We didn't know.

Oh, that's all right. As long
as everything turned out okay.

You don't mind that
he was married before?

Why should I? We've got a second-hand
radio, but it still makes beautiful music.

Yeah, but it takes a
long time to warm up.

Well, he doesn't. Okay. Good.

Chrissy, I'm sorry. I promise
I won't knock Lloyd anymore.

Good, because I'm going away
with him for the weekend.

I'm gonna knock him
flat on his face.

It's only for a
business conference.

- You believe that?
- Yes. He needs a secretary.

I need some fresh air.

Look, Chrissy, you know that
I don't like to interfere...

- Then don't.
- Okay.

You are too trusting, you know?

What is all this business nonsense he's
giving you? You can't believe that.

It is going to be
nothing but work.

Besides, even if it
isn't, that's my affair.

I.. I mean, I don't mean affair.

I mean, it is my problem.

I don't mean problem either. I
mean that it's ju... I mean--

♪ Yum-pum-pum-pum-pum
Pum-pum-pum-pum

♪ Yum-pum-pum-pum-pum
Pum-pum-pum-pum

♪ Yum-pum-pum, yum-pum-pum
Yum-pum-pum-pum... Hellen. Hellen!

Will you finish your drink?
Let's go home.

What's your rush? What can we
do at home we can't do here?

We could play Monopoly.

Ohhh. I consider Monopoly
a very interesting game.

Yeah, I know. You brought
it along on our honeymoon.

I thought it would
help kill time.

We were on our honeymoon
for two weeks,

And you didn't pass "go" once.

If you wanna fight, Hellen, we
could fight louder at home.

Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley.

Hey, Stanley, you notice anything
different about me tonight?

Not around the mouth.

Ah, come on, Stanley. Hey, come on.
Look at me.

Look. I'm wearing a new dress.

Yeah. It's perfect on you.

Oh, do you really think so?

Yeah. It hides your knees.

I'll have a beer, please.

Oh, Jack, I don't wanna push you, but a
lot of people are considering my car.

Including a couple
of junk dealers.

Will you stop it, Hellen? It's
really a very good little car.

It's a cat's watering hole.

Don't pay any attention to her.

Listen. Drive the car around
the block a couple of times.

I want you to see
how smooth it runs.

You might have a little trouble
finding the hand brake.

- Why?
- It's in the glove compartment.

That's only to prevent it
from being stolen.

Hey, why didn't you bring
the girls with you?

- Well, Chrissy's upset with me right now.
- Oh?

- Actually, Mrs. Roper, it's kind of your fault.
- My fault?

Well, yeah. You told me
Lloyd Cross was married,

But you didn't tell
me he got divorced.

Divorced?

All right. All right, Chrissy.

But suppose... now just suppose--
that it's not all work.

I mean, what if he expects a little
overtime? What'll you do then?

Janet, I will burn that
bridge when I come to it.

Why does everyone
always expect the worst?

'Cause it's more fun that way.

All the time that we've been going together,
Lloyd has never even laid a finger on me.

Oh, Chrissy, that doesn't mean anything.
You remember Jerry Divucci.

The first time I went out with
him, all he did was shake my hand.

The second time, a
little peck on the cheek.

Third time, he said he wanted
to get to know the real me.

I said fine, so he started
to rip off my clothes.

Chrissy, about Lloyd--

One more word, and I will stick this
umbrella up your pants and open it.

I was just wondering when you
were leaving for the weekend.

Tomorrow morning.

Good. Then you can take a ride with me
in Roper's car.

Huh?

Yeah, I want you to tell me
what you think of it.

But, I don't know anything about cars.

That exactly what I need
an uninformed opinion.

Besides, if nobody's sitting next
to me, the car tilts sideways.

Oh.

Why are you bringing me here?

I heard this house was for sale and
thought we oughta take a look at it.

Are you crazy? Where are we
gonna get money to buy a house?

- Mrs. Cross?
- Yes.

We heard about the house.
I know it's late, but--

Oh, that's all right.
Come on in.

- Mrs. Cross?
- Mrs. Lloyd Cross. That's his wife.

Did the real estate
agent send you?

Ah, No, but I heard about it from
Mrs. Roper.

Oh, Hellen. That's nice.

Oh, please excuse the mess.
I'm packing for my husband.

He's going to San Francisco
on a business trip.

Ah. San Francisco.

Uh, it's quite a large place.

My husband redecorated
it all by himself.

- San Francisco, huh?
- No, the house.

Well, I.. I think we've
seen all we have to.

Oh, but you haven't seen the rest... the
master bedroom, the children's bedroom--

- You have children.
- Just two.

Oh, don't worry. We'll
be taking them with us.

Two children?

Well, two and a quarter, really.
That's why we need a bigger place.

- Do you feel all right?
- I'm fine.

Do you want some coffee?
I just made a pot.

I'm sorry I had to do
it this way, Chrissy,

but if I hadn't brought you,
would you have believed me?

I was nearly the other woman.

Darling, how are you coming
with the packing?

Almost finished. Honey, there's a
young couple here to see the house.

Oh, wonderful. I
want to see who--

Uh, this is my husband
Lloyd, and this is--

- Uh, Jack.
- Oh, Jack.

- And, uh..
- Chrissy.

Chrissy. Uh, Jack and Chrissy.

Well, uh, uh, hello there.

Your wife tells us you're
going to San Francisco.

Oh. I usually go
along to take notes,

but this time he's
got a temporary.

A temporary what?

Uh, uh--

You know, you look
very familiar.

Oh, you know, I have
that kind of a face.

You know, it's a very,
uh, ordinary face.

You've probably seen hundreds like 'em.

Yes, it's very common.

Now, about the house. Um--

Do you two know each other?

- No.
- No, no, no, no, no!

You see, I thought we
did, but we don't.

We better get going.

I'm sorry.

Oh, well, that's all right. I'm sure that
there will be someone else along soon.

So am I. That's why I'm sorry.

Oh, I'll get it, dear.

Look, Chrissy, uh,
thanks a lot...

for not saying anything
to my wife about us.

Don't mention it. It's not her
fault she's married to a rat.

Uh, one more thing.

That coffee really hits the
spot, doesn't it, Lloyd?

Lloyd Cross! That's it. I have learned
my lesson. I am through with men!

Oh, come on, Chrissy.
You mean to tell me...

that if Robert Redford came through
the door, you would send him away?

- Yes, I would.
- What?

Well, I'd have to fix my hair and
makeup first, and then I'd let him in.

I'm so glad things are
getting back to normal.

Here I just thought of something. You are very lucky.
-

- Lucky?
- Yeah!

If you'd have married that guy, you'd have to
go through your whole life as Chrissy Cross.

You see, the bit--

Three's Company was videotaped...
in front of a studio audience.