Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 4 - Strange Bedfellows - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door

♪ We've been waitin' for you

♪ Where the kisses are hers and hers and his

♪ Three's company too

♪ Come and dance on our floor

♪ Take a step that is new

♪ We've a lovable space that needs your face

♪ Three's company too

♪ You'll see that life, is a ball again

♪ Laughter is calling for you

♪ Down at our rendezvous



♪ Three is company too

♪ Down at our rendezvous

♪ Three is company too

Chrissy, can you sew a
button on for me, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jack, but
I've gotta finish packing.

Sue Brigman is gonna be here
any minute to pick us up.

Janet?

Oh, Jack, I'm sorry, hon, but
I really don't have time.

- Are you gonna leave me here unbuttoned?
- Oh, come on, Jack.

I gotta take care of the plants. I
know you'll forget while I'm gone.

Boy, I wish you'd care for me the
way you care for your plants.

Oh, I'm sorry, hon.

Is that better?

- You want some help?
- Hold it.



After all, who's the man
around here?

All it takes is a little...

All it takes is...

Another man?

Uh... Chrissy, what do you have in there?

Well, just a couple of pairs of
jeans and some underwear.

Uh-huh.

Three pairs of panty hose, three
dresses and some toilet things.

- Oh.
- And four pairs of shoes, two blouses,

a curling iron, a
traveling iron,

a Waterpik, a hair
dryer and a nightgown.

Uh, don't you think
that's a little much?

After all, you're only
gonna be going overnight.

You're right. I don't
need the nightgown.

Oh, Chrissy, do you honestly think you
need that portable beauty parlor?

Well, Judy Hogan is gonna marry
a wealthy, handsome architect.

And Judy is one of my best friends,
so I figure the least I can do...

is show up at her shower
looking better than she does.

I'm sorry.

E... listen, Chrissy, put it on the floor.

You see, Jack, the problem is you
can't close the bag on the sofa.

= It should be sitting on a firm surface.
- A firm...

You're tryin' to tell
me how to pack? Yeah.

- I've done more traveling. I went...
- Hey! It works.

- You are smart, Janet.
- Thank you.

Of course, Jack
could've taken care of it too...

if we'd given him
a couple of weeks.

Hi, Janet. Here's the camera.
Oh, you remembered.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Look, Chrissy, it's one of those instant cameras.
- Oh!

Yeah, Stanley and I
bought it three years ago.

We thought it'd be nice
to take pictures

Of all the interesting
places we go to.

- How does it work?
- I don't know. It's never been used.

Oh, I've seen one. It's simple.

You just press a button, and
it goes to work right away.

Yeah.

I wish Stanley had a button like that.

Let me see that. These things are remarkable.

All you do is look through
the little viewfinder,

push the shutter, wait a moment, and
the picture just sort of oozes out.

Why don't you guys get together,
and I'll take a picture of you, How about that?

- Oh, good! Okay?
- All right, here we go.

Uh, smile. No, uh, Janet,
change places with Mrs. Roper.

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah. Okay.

That's it. Uh, Mrs. Roper,
squish down just a little bit.

Chrissy, put your arm on your hip.
Not you, Janet.

I'm talkin' to Chrissy. Chrissy,
take your arm off your hip. It's a bad idea.

All right.
Janet, look at Chrissy.

Chrissy, look at Janet. Mrs.
Roper, look at me.

No, Chrissy, turn your head a little
bit more to Janet, all right?

Uh, girls, change places.
Just a second.

Okay? No, no, back the way it was.
Yeah, yeah.

It's a hair thing. Okay. All right, Mrs.
Roper, look at me. Look at me.

Act natural. Will you
just take the pic...

Well, the picture should
be oozing out any second.

Oh! There's no
film in the camera.

In that case, it may
take a little longer.

Oh, that's Sue. Oh! Her present.
My Lord, we almost forgot her gift.

- Oh, Chrissy, I'll take your bag down for you.
- Okay, thanks, Jack.

It certainly makes a difference
without your nightgown.

You know, all of this takes
me back to

The parties I used to go to
when I was a girl.

Did you have a bridal shower, Mrs.
Roper?

Oh, sure. Well, not
exactly a shower.

It was more of a drizzle.

But that was Mary
Milligan's fault.

- Mary Milligan?
- Yeah, you see, Stanley was her boyfriend...

until I took him away from her.

Oh. Did she make a scene?

No. As a matter of fact,
all through the shower...

she never stopped laughing.

Here we go, Chrissy. Mrs. Roper, we
got her this terrific Crock-Pot.

Yeah, we figured the way to a man's
heart is through his stomach.

That's a crock, all right.

Sue... Sue's, waiting for you downstairs.

Well, have a good time, girls.

And... and Jack, since you're gonna
be on your own tonight, though

Well, if you get lonesome,
just, uh, give me a ring, huh?

Won't that wake Mr. Roper?

That's the idea.

Hey, you won't really be
lonely, will you, Jack?

Lonely? Just because
one is alone?

- Okay, Chrissy, let's go.
- All alone with no one to talk to,

Nobody to share one's
joys, one's woes?

All right, I think
that's everything.

Janet, I'm not going to be lonely,
so please get off the subject.

- Bye-bye, Jack.
- Bye.

Bye, babe. Janet?

Ah, ah! No more of that
"poor lonely soul" stuff.

I just want you to know that while
you're gone, I will talk to your plants.

Thank you. After all, I won't
have anybody else to talk to.

- Let's go, Chrissy!
- All by myself.

- Bye, Jack!
- Hey, but don't worry. I'll be all right all alone...

in my empty room.

Hey, Jack, you sure know how
to throw a party.

Oh, Celise, it's so nice to see you
havin' fun.

In fact, it's nice to see you
doin' anything.

Where do you keep your glasses?

Hey, what are you doin', waitin'
on people at the Regal Beagle?

Look, this is a party. I want you
to relax,

And I will serve you for a change.

But I have everything I need. Oh, that's
true. That's true. That's really true.

Hey, Jack, you know
you're drivin' me crazy?

Sure, you are drivin' me crazy!

- Knock it off!
- Hey, come on in, have a drink.

- I don't wanna come in.
- Anything you say.

Change your mind? Good.
Come on in.

Jack, if you don't quiet down in
here, you're goin' out on your ear!

Oh, that's very good. Do you write a lot of poetry?
I mean it. The noise is...

What is that one? Is
that a friend of yours?

Hey, Mr. Roper, he's a nice guy.

Oh, that's a nice one, all right.
That's a beauty.

Listen, why don't you guys
do something quiet at night?

Like, do each other's
hair or something.

Mr. Roper, why don't you just join us
for a drink, loosen up, have some fun?

I'm not here to have fun. I'm
here because I wanna go to bed.

I'm sorry. It's not
that kind of a party.

You know what I mean. If Mrs. Roper
hadn't taken a sleeping pill,

she'd be up here, complaining too.

Hello, Mr. Roper. I do hope you can stay.

Maybe just for a minute.

Let's dance.

See how nice and quiet we are?
Why don't you dance quietly?

Hi.

Hi.

Ah, Celise, you saved
the whole party.

I don't know how to thank you.
You don't?

I'll think of something.

Good Lord!

Oh, what happened? It looks
like there was an earthquake.

Well, I certainly hope for
Jack's sake that it was.

Oh! It looks like
somebody left in a hurry.

- Jack? - Maybe he's asleep.

Oh, boy.

Jack?

Let's unpack.

- What is it? What'd you see in there?
- Oh...

Oh...

Huh! It looks like she didn't
leave in such a hurry after all.

Oh, boy. This does it. I
mean, this really does it!

Yeah, I never would've
believed this of Jack.

Oh, Chrissy, why not? Look, it
is about time you realized...

Jack is no saint.

He's got the same desires
as any normal male.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- He's an animal.

- Hey, wait a minute. Janet?
- What?

Aren't we overreacting?

O... over...
You mean, this is all right with you?

Of course not. I mean, the last thing
we need in here is another girl.

- Right.
- Still...

- Oh, still what?
- Well, he does live here.

Yeah.... Well, so do we.

And he does pay
a third of the rent.

- And that is his bedroom.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Janet, I don't like
this anymore than you do,

but it is Jack's life, and we've
got no right to interfere.

Okay, I suppose.

And, remember, what happens
between two consulting adults...

in the privacy of
their own home--

Chrissy. That... a consenting adults.

I know! But first,
they have to consult.

Otherwise, they wouldn't know
what they were consenting to.

You really got me there.

So, what do you say we put the whole thing out
of our minds and we'll clean up the mess?

- Oh,
- As might as well.

Gee whiz.

Who do you think
he's got in there with him?

I don't know and I don't care.

Do you suppose it's
anyone we know?

- Sylvia.
- Who?

Sylvia. Syl... The blond..
The blond with the sports car.

I saw her last week. She was
driving around with her top down.

Oh!

Oh. Well, I'll bet she was.

Wait-Wait a minute. It was his party.
Why are we cleaning up the mess?

Oh, you're right.

- I've had enough.
- And I've had enough.

And I think Jack's had enough.
Let's go.

All right, lover boy, rise and shine!

- Get up. The party's over.
- What?

Where's my pillow?

- It's right under your head.
- Where's my head?

Get up and tell your
friend to get lost.

What are you... "Fwiend"? My fwiend? Wait a
minute. My tongue hasn't gotten up yet.

Now, you listen to me, buster. We are giving
you 60 seconds to get her out of here!

And we don't want to embarrass anyone,
so we're gonna be in the kitchen.

Come on, Janet. Okay.

- Sixty seconds!
- All... right...

Honey?

Sweetheart? Baby doll--

Uh-oh.

Not tonight, Helen.
I got a headache.

Oh, boy.

Mr. Roper?

Mr. Roper?

Helen, you wouldn't believe
what a nightmare I just had.

Mr. Roper, wake up. Come on.
Wake up. Hey.

Oh, my God!

- What have you done with Helen?
- Mr. Roper, uh..

- What are you doing here?
- This is my bed.

Oh, my God!

How did you get me up here?

You had a lot to drink last night.
You must've passed out.

- I never pass out.
- Then what are you doin' in my bed?

I must've passed out.

Let's see. The last
thing I remember,

I was doin' the hustle with somebo...

- This is awful!
- What?

My bein' in bed with you,
and you bein' a-a-a--

Tinkerbell?

People are liable to
get the wrong idea.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Listen.

Yes?

You gotta promise me something.

Now, we'll just keep it
between the two of us.

What happened here will
never leave these lips.

I appreciate it.

Of course, I can't vouch for all the
blabbermouths at the party last night.

- What?
- Well, not to worry.

Most of 'em were your friends from
the Regal Beagle.

Oh, my God!

I gotta get out of here. Oh!

The girls. The girls
went to San Diego, right?

Right, and they got
back a few minutes ago.

- The window.
- It won't open.

- Why not?
- You still
haven't fixed it.

I'm trapped?

Mr. Roper, the girls'll
be in the kitchen,

so you can just sneak out
and they won't see you.

Oh, good. Good. Oh.

This never happened. Right?

Right. And thank you
for a lovely evening.

You got a loose floorboard here.
I came up to inspect it.

That's why I'm not
wearing my shoes.

See, 'cause my feet are much closer to
the ground. I can test it without much--

I didn't.. The reason I didn't
ring your bell was because...

I knew you were in San Diego, and
you wouldn't hear it down there.

- [ Both Laughing ]
- What's so funny?

Oh, I..I...

I'm sorry, Mr. Roper, but, uh,

We saw you coming
out of Jack's room.

Oh, that. Oh.

I got a very good
explanation for that.

No, no, please. You don't
have to explain to us.

- But I want to.
- No, it's none of our business.

Anyway, we know what we saw.

It's not what you think.

- Don't answer that!
- Why not?

It's liable to be somebody at the door.

Look, now, will you relax, Mr.
Roper?

Nobody cares if you're up here.

Janet, I'm so worried.
Stanley--

Stanley!

Where have you been all night?

Why do you ask that, Helen?

Why do I ask that?

I just got up and found out you
hadn't been in bed all night.

- And you got worried.
- Of course I got worried.

After all, sleeping is
your favorite hobby.

I... Well, see, I...

I... Well, I slept up...
up here last night.

- Up here?
- Yeah.

- Uh... Uh, on the couch.
- Oh.

Good morning, Mrs. Roper.

- Oh, good morning...
- Oh, hi, Jack. How have you been?

I haven't seen you for a while.

Here's your wallet. You
left it in my bed.

I thought you said you
slept on the couch.

Yeah, well, I... I...
Yeah, well, I...

Co.. Come on, Chrissy. Come on.

Come on! I wanna stay and
hear what he's got to say.

- Come on!
- I, uh... I think I'll help

You better stay!
You're my only witness.

Stanley, I wanna know why
you lied to me just now.

All right. I'll-I'll
tell you the truth.

Okay? Uh, this is it, so help me.

Jack gave a party last night, and I came
up here, but not to have a good time.

I believe that.

A.. And somebody offered me a drink,

And then another, and then another.

And, well, you know that I can't
take more than two drinks.

Yes, I know, Stanley.

So I must've passed out,

because the next thing I remember, I
woke up this morning in Jack's bed.

Oh.

I understand.

- You don't believe me!
- Yes, I...

No, you don't! The girls don't believe me!
Nobody believes me!

You're bein' ridiculous.

Well, what if..
what if word of this gets out?

Hey, don't worry. I told
you, I won't tell anybody.

Neither will we. Promise.

Well, what about
everybody at the party?

Listen... Hey, that gang from the Regal Beagle...

was so high last night, they won't
even remember you were here.

Yeah. That's true.

- Hi, Jack.
- Hi, Celise.

- I left something here last night, and I...
- Ah. Say no more.

Is this yours?

You gotta be kidding.

Mr. Roper! I couldn't believe
what you did last night.

I didn't do anything!
What did I do?

You don't remember? The way you
and Jack were carrying on?

Oh, my God.

And Jack couldn't get over it. You
really surprised everybody.

- How, How?
- What'd he do?

I don't wanna hear it!

Is he all right?

I don't think
he knows what he is right now.

Well, go on. Tell us. How did he
surprise everybody?

- Excuse me.
- Well, the party was in full swing, and...

- Mr. Roper?
- Don't talk to me.

- Oh, come on. It's not as bad as you think.
- How could it be worse?

- You could be dead.
- That would be better.

- Oh, so ashamed.
- Oh, come on, now. Hey...

Look, I can't
even step outside my own house.

People are gonna start pointing their fingers
at me and telling stories behind my back.

And my own wife

My own wife, who's always looked up to me
as a man

I don't know what to do.

- Mr. Roper?
- I'm so ashamed!

Don't say anything. There's nothing
you can say that's gonna help me.

- Yes, there is.
- I'm so ashamed.

I'm not gay.

- What?
- I'm not gay.

It was all just a made-up story so you'd let
me stay here in the apartment with the girls.

- Really?
- It's the truth. I'm straight.

If you're straight, then
I'm the king of Siam.

Would you just listen to
me for a minute, please?

And you're the queen.

And just as the party
started to sag,

Jack and Mr. Roper
surprised everybody--

Oh, I'm glad you're back. I was
just about to tell them...

what you two crazies did.

You see? It's starting up already.
I'm ruined!

♪ I'm a little teapot
short and stout

♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout

Never mind the singing! Tell 'em what happened.
Tell the whole world what happened.

- I don't care anymore!
- You two were so cute.

♪ I'm a little teapot, He had us all in stitches.

All right, get on with it. Get on with it.
What else did I do?

Nothing. You said that was the only song
you knew all the words to.

The two of you kept
singing it all night long.

Oh, I'm so ashamed!

Jack, there's no
reason to be ashamed.

I was cute, huh?

Adorable. I bet you didn't know
how talented your husband is.

Oh, Stanley keeps his
talents well hidden.

Well, you know me, Helen.
I don't like to flaunt it.

You can say that again.

Oh, here it is. My earring.
I knew I lost it here.

It's all your fault, you little ear
nibbler you.

Well, good-bye, all.

Don't forget me the next
time you throw a party.

- I'll see you at the Beagle.
- Bye, Celise.

So the little teapot has
taken up ear nibbling, huh?

Come on, Stanley.

Wait, Helen. Wait, wait. I
was just thinking. So was I

about breaking your spout.

No, wait, wait, wait. There's
something I have to straighten out.

You stand right there. I
want you all to hear this.

- Jack.
- Hmm?

This stuff that you were tellin' me,
about how you tricked me

so you could live up here.

- Oh, Oh, that? Well...
- What did you tell him?

Uh, that I was straight.

- What?
- Now, if that's true...

and you're livin' here with them,
I gotta throw you out of here.

No, wait. Look, Stanley,
I want you to...

Wait a minute! Why would he say something
that wasn't true if it was true?

I'll tell you why!

He did it for me.

He did it to get me off the hook.

- He's a decent person.
- Thank you.

Now, I don't approve
of what you stand for,

but in my book you're okay.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, that's good.

- Here, here. Now the other one.
- Only one foot to a customer.

Jack, did you ever find out
who left this bra here?

No. All I remember, she dashed out the
front door just at the stroke of midnight.

- Really?
- Why?

Beats me.

But I think I'll ride
throughout the kingdom today,

and the first person
it fits I'll marry.

Yah!

Maybe I'll just stick around the house.
Would you rub this toe right here?

Just rub it hard.

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.