Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 18 - Home Movies - full transcript

Chrissy gets a film camera to make some home movies but the projector is put to deviant use when Larry acquires a porn movie.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

[ Man On TV ] Stand
back. You come one step

closer, and I jump.
I swear it, I'll jump.

[ Woman On TV ]
Harry! Harry! Don't jump!

Think of me, the kids. Harry,
don't jump! [ Changes Channel ]

What are you doing?
Harry's gonna jump!

Oh, I'm sorry, Janet.
Were you watching that?

Jack! Oh, look. [ Woman
On TV ] Mary, it's fantastic.

- Now they're in commercial!
- My life has changed. No matter what I do,

my dentures stay
firmly in place.

I don't have to be embarrassed
to eat things like apples,

candy caramel, corn on the cob.

I owe it all to... [
Channel Changes ]

[ Man On TV ] Wonder Glue!

The sticky stuff that
sticks and stays stuck.

Give that back. Give me
it! [ Channel Changes ]

♪♪ [ Show Music Ending ] Oh, no!
You made me miss the end of the movie!

- I'm never gonna know
what Harry did.
- Oh, come on, Janet.

Why are we watching
this junk for anyway?

We should be doing something useful
with our time before the end comes.

- "The end"?
- Yeah, the next ice age.

I read that the glaciers
are advancing upon

us at the rate of a
half an inch every year.

- Oh, as fast as that, huh?
- Yeah.

So, while we're waiting, Yeah?

Why don't you and I...

No dice!

It would have been a
lovely way to go. [ Clicking ]

Get away from me! Get away from me!
Get away! Get away, channel-changer!

I thought it was
fabulous. I really did.

You're sure you enjoyed
it? Oh, I loved it, honestly.

Oh, I thought you two were
gonna be in bed by now.

Not for lack of trying.

Well, Neil, this
is Jack. Hi, Jack.

Hello, Neil. And this is Janet.

Hi. Sorry.

Well, been doing
anything interesting?

Well, Neil took me
to his film society.

They were showing
scenes from The Battleship

Potemkin that
weren't in the movie.

Two hours of all the footage that
Eisenstein left on the cutting room floor.

Oh, I think that
answers my question.

Well, I thought it was
fabulous. I really did.

Honestly? Honestly.

You really did? I thought
it was fabulous, honestly.

Honestly? Honestly.

I think I'll go make
myself some coffee.

- So, it was a good evening?
- Honestly.

Oh, yes, I just love
viewing archive material.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Chrissy said
you were interested in rotten old films.

- I didn't say it like that!
- Yes, you did.

I did not. Actually, it's a
good point though, Chrissy.

Most of those films are on old
nitrate stock. They don't last long.

Two hours sounds
long enough to me.

Well, the thing about "Einstein's"
films is that... Uh, "Eisenstein."

See, Einstein did the
Theory of Relativity.

Was that a silent or a talkie?

No, uh, Chrissy, it's... Uh...

Jack, don't you wanna go in the
kitchen and help Janet make some coffee?

What for?

Oh, right, yeah. Got ya.

I'll leave you two to get it on.

I'm sorry. I mean, to get on
with it. Oh, there I go again.

Look, I'll be in
here if you need me.

Don't worry. No one will
disturb you. Go ahead.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Everybody in this building
minds his own business.

You see, I have
this philosophy...

[ Spraying ] Oh!



I wanna have a
word with you, Helen.

Why are you bringing
your tools to bed?

You've been going through my tool chest.
There's some things missing in there.

Oh, you mean the
dirty magazines.

They're not dirty. They're art.

Yeah, they're full of busts.

I only buy them for the articles
on male fashions and automobiles.

- What have you done with them?
- I tied them in a bundle...

and gave them to
the Salvation Army.

You what?

Helen, one of these days, you're
gonna make me come after you.

God knows I try.

[ Sniffing ]

What's that funny smell?

That's my new perfume.

It's called Now or Never.

Well, it's half right anyway.

- It's happening again!
- [ Both ] What?

[ Sighs ] I have been reading
the funeral notices all week.

They're so interesting. Everybody
dies in alphabetical order.

Chrissy honey, you
see... [ Doorbell Ringing ]

I'll get it. Okay, good.

Boy, some of the things
that girl comes up with.

Yeah. It's scary, but
sometimes she's right.

Maybe we should change our names
to something beginning with a "Z."

Oh, right, Jack.

What are you gonna call
yourself? Jack Zipper?

No. I wouldn't like people
going around saying,

"Hey, fella, your name
is open." [ Janet Laughs ]

It's for me! It's
from home! Oh, boy!

What is it? It's not my
birthday or anything.

Oh, thank God. I was
beginning to feel guilty already.

[ Gasps ] It's a camera!

A movie camera. Wow-wee!

What on earth would make
my parents do a thing like that?

The only thing I mentioned
to them in my last letter...

was that I was dating a nice
Methodist boy who liked films.

Great. Next time, tell them
you're going out with a banker.

This is so terrific. I'll have so much
fun with it when I... learn now to use it.

Yeah. Uh, Chrissy,
lesson number one.

See? Okay.

Oh, hi, Janet. [ Muttering ]

Oh, boy, that felt good.

Nothing like a nice, brisk walk around
the block first thing in the morning.

I thought you went upstairs to fix
the window in the kids' apartment.


Have you got
something on your face?

It's a mud pack.

I like it. You should
always wear it.

You're wasting
your time, Stanley.

Insults bounce right off me.

A brick would
bounce off that stuff.

[ Screams ] Don't touch it!

I'm not supposed
to move my face.

That stuff's getting
very popular. I saw

someone wearing it on
television the other day.

- Really?
- Yeah. Lon Chaney
in The Mummy's Curse.

Well, he's got his curse.

I've got you.

Well, I think I'll
take a quick shower.

In your raincoat?

Of course not. I'll hang
it up when I get in there.

- So you just went out for a
nice, brisk walk, huh, Stanley?
- Yeah, that's right.

- Nothing else, huh?
- No, nothing else.

Are you finished with your third
degree? Maybe I'll take my shower now.

And while you're in there, you might as
well give those dirty magazines a bath too.

Wh... What dirty magazines?

The ones you've
got in your pockets.

Oh, you mean, Popular
Mechanics and the Reader's Digest?

Show them to me. I just
told you what they were.

I don't have to show them to
you. Oh, go fix your windows.

[ Camera Whirring ] Okay.

Don't just sit there. Do
something interesting.

Uh, okay.

Let's see. Yeah. [ Huffing ]

[ Screams ] No! No,
not that interesting.

I can't think of anything
else to do. [ Huffing ]

Come here. You can never
think of anything else to do.

Hold everything. He does
not have his makeup on yet.

Sit down, Jack. Sit,
sit. Oh, what is this?

Just a little face powder to help your
nose not shine. Are you sure we need it?

[ Spitting ] Yes, I'm sure.
Close your eyes, please.

Close, close. All
right. What's this?

This is just what they use
when you're taking pictures.

Just help the eyes
stand out. [ Laughing ]

Why is she
laughing? I don't know.

What is this? Just a
little bit of eye shadow.

That's it. I'm walking off
the set. Cancel my contract.

Oh, no! That's great. Oops.

That's good. Action!
Stop following me.

That's terrific. Now, come
here. Do something natural.

I'm about to.

And you're not
going to take pictures.

[ Coughs ]

Oh, Janet, do
something? What, honey?

Um, arrange those flowers.

Chrissy, I already did that.

What? Chrissy... [
Muttering ] [ Chuckling ]

Okay, now, laugh. Laugh,
yeah. Chrissy! Laugh?

[ Forced Laughter ] [ Forced
Laughter ] More Laughter.

[ Laughter Continues ]

Okay, cut! Ha-ha, ho-ho-ho.

Oh, that was great. [ Groans ]

Tomorrow I'm gonna put some
film in the camera. Ooh, Chrissy!

[ Doorbell Rings
] Ooh! Next time,

will you please date
a stamp collector?

Hi, Mr. Roper. I came up
to fix your broken window.

Oh, good. Say, is
it raining outside?

- No.
- Oh. Oh.

Hi, Mr. Roper.

He came up to, um... He came
up to fix the broken window.

- Is it raining outside?
- No.


Is something wrong
with your face?

Oh, no. It's just a
little eye shadow.

Do you like it?

"Eye shadow"?

I'll show you the broken
window. It's in my room.

I-I'll find it myself.

Be my guest.

[ Hissing ]

Hurry it up, Chrissy. I gotta go
to the game with Larry tonight.

I'm nearly finished. Oh,
I hope you like it, Neil.

I probably made quite a few
mistakes. [ Doorbell Ringing ]

Hey, Chrissy, don't
tear yourself apart.

I'm sure your movie will deserve
to be hidden away in the archives.

Well, thank you, Jack.

Hi, Jack. You ready to go?

Larry, I can't go to the
game with you just yet.

I promised Chrissy I'd stay
and watch her home movies first.

Come on. The game
starts in 15 minutes.

I know. It won't take long.
Larry, this is Chrissy's friend, Neil.

[ Exchanging Greetings ]
Neil collects old sprocket holes.

Okay, sit down. Here
we go. [ Whirring ]

[ Film: No Audio ]

[ Chrissy Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Oh, here's where I decide
to put some action in it.

Here's Janet going to
the beach. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

Oh, here's the part where
Janet loses the top of her bikini!

Well, it wasn't such
a good shot, really.

No, not really.

Well, how'd you like it?

Me? Uh-huh.

I thought it was very,
uh, very, uh, interesting.

Mm-hmm. That's
the word. [ Chuckles ]

It was, uh, interesting. Oh!

I'm so glad you like it, because
I've got six more reels of it.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Clattering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Janet Screams ] [ Laughs ]

Janet, I didn't know you
were in there having a bath.

Oh, listen, I'm sorry. We
should get this lock fixed.

I mean, it could be really
embarrassing for you.

Somebody could just come in
on you, stand here, gawk at you...

Get out!

You want me out? Yes!

Okay, I'll go. All you had
to do was tell me! Get out!

That's all you had to do. You want
the door open or... Close that door!

I'll shut it. You want me
to shut it? Jack! Get out!

You need more bubbles!

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

Hi. Hey, Larry. How you doing?

Are the girls up yet? Yeah, Chrissy's
getting dressed, and Janet's taking a bath.

She is? What are you
doing with the sponge? Yeah.

You know how it is. I have
to do everything around here.

Oh, right. What a shame.

Yeah. Listen, about
that projector, uh,

can I borrow it
for this afternoon?

You'll have to ask Chrissy.
Well, she might not approve of, uh,

you know, uh, blue movies.

What? Last week, I met
this guy in the Regal Beagle.

Yeah? He's got a friend
who's on the vice squad.

Kenneth, his name
was. Kenneth what?

Hey, I don't know him well
enough to be on last name terms.

Anyway, he's got these really
hot films that were confiscated.

They should've been
burned. But for only 50 bucks...

I'm not loaning you
any money, Larry.

You know, you can be very
wounding sometimes, Jack.

I'm not always coming up
here to borrow money from you.

You know what I mean? All right.
Just lend me 50 bucks, Yeah. I'm sorry.

We'll say no more
about it. No way.

Okay, all right. I'll
buy the movie myself.

I just need the use
of that projector.

He told me that this movie
was really hot... [ Door Opens ]

uh, weather we're having
this time of year, isn't it?

Huh? Oh, hi. Hi, Jack.

Good morning,
Chrissy. Hi. Hi, Chrissy.

Hi. I was wondering
about your projector.

Uh, when do you
have to return it?

Why? Why? Oh.

Um, well, I was hoping to have another
chance of seeing your home movies.

I mean, I enjoyed them so much.

Wow! Thank you.

Oh, darn! I can't
show it to you now.

- I have to meet Neil
in half an hour.
- You're going out?

Yeah. She's going out.

Oh, darn! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, hello, Mr. Roper.

You clipping your bush?

So I am. Very
clever. [ Chuckles ]

Hi, Larry. Oh, hi, Janet.

Ooh, Janet! What?

Are you going out? Yeah.

He's very observant.

I'm going to the
laundromat. Oh, that's great.

What? I mean, have a great wash.

Well, thank you,
Larry. Oh. Sorry.

Oh. You should be more careful.

Yeah. Uh... "Naked
Dreams"? What's this?

- Uh, it's just, uh,
just a sort of movie.
- Movie?

Yeah. They have this
projector upstairs, and...

And you wanna show
this sort of a movie on it?

Hey, that's a fantastic idea!

Let me tell you something,
as the landlord of this building,

it is my duty to make certain that
any films shown in this building...

meet with my approval.


And so far, I
approve of the title.

Oh! Well, I suppose
you could come up...

I'll get my glasses. Right.

Glasses, glasses,
glasses, glasses, glasses.

Where'd I put my glasses?

Glasses. Helen.

Helen, have you seen my...

Where'd you find that?

In your new hiding place.

I don't have a hiding place,
because I have nothing to hide.

I just put them
someplace convenient.

What were you doing on
top of the wardrobe anyway?

Cleaning up the dirt.

Helen, I'm in kind of a
hurry, so... Look, Stanley,

I'm gonna do my best to try to
understand why you read this stuff.

Can we discuss this later,
Helen? For the automobiles, right?

What kind of a sports
model do you call that?

I... I wouldn't know. I
don't read those pages.

Oh, hey!

Hey, there is an
article here on a Ferrari.

What's a Ferrari?

It's a car, Stanley.

It's why you bought the
magazine, remember?

Oh. Oh, that Ferrari.

Well, see, I didn't
get to read that far yet.

It's on page one.

Let me see that.

I don't see any... Ferrari.

It's right there... right next
to the girl with the big...

Oh, yeah!

Nice, uh, hubcaps.

Stanley, tell me something,

why do you have to look at pictures
like that when you got me around?

You know, all day long, people
have been asking me stupid questions.

"Naked Dreams"?

Yeah. That guy... Kenneth,
uh, What's-His-Name,

told me this was the real thing.

It's in color too.

Well, flesh color, mostly.

Tell me something, what exactly
does this sort of thing do for you?

Oh, come on, Jack. You're
as interested in this as I am.

I deny that!

And I'll sit here denying
it all through the movie.

Ow! What are you...
[ Whispers ] Chrissy.

Chrissy... Look...
Chrissy's home early.

Look at Chrissy, Larry. Look.

Hi, Chrissy.

I've had it with that
stupid, boring Neil.

- All he did was
talk about my movie.
- That's nice.

- Tell me how awful it was.
- That's not nice.

I mean, who does he think
he is, D.W. "Hitchcocks"?

[ Whispers ] What? [ Mutters ]

[ Clicking ] What's he doing?

Hmm? What... What am I
doing? Uh, what am I doing?

Uh... Uh, he's, uh... That.

A this. A that. A this. I'm
trying to get this off of that.

Why don't we just forget about the
whole thing, and I'll be on my way?

I can do this for you.
No, no, no, no, no.

I can see it some other
time. It's easy. No problem.

Yeah, Chrissy,
there is one problem.

- The laundromat is closed.
- [ Larry, Jack ] Two problems.

Uh... Uh... [ Clears Throat ]

Are you all gonna be
seeing Chrissy's movie again?

- Yeah.
- Oh. I'm going out.

That's a great idea. Chrissy'll
go with you. We'll all go.

Larry's the only one who really
wants to see this anyway. Well...

I'm not too late for
the movie, am I? What?

Uh, he invited me. Oh, fine.

Janet, we can go out
some other time. Okay.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- You girls aren't staying,
are you?
- Well, sure.

I didn't think you'd be
interested in this sort of thing.

[ Clicks Tongue ] Of course
she's interested. She's in it.

- She's in it?
- Yeah. Yeah. And so are
Jack and Chrissy.

- You're all in it?
- Okay, I think we're ready.

Can you close the
door, Mr. Roper?

[ Gasps ] Oh, no. Oh,
no. Oh, there you are!

I thought we finished
our little chat, dear.

Yeah. I went to check on the
casserole, and he sneaked out on me,

the little devil. I didn't
sneak out. I was invited.

- Yeah, to see my home movies.
- Home movies?

Oh, Chrissy, could I watch too?

Sure. Helen... Helen, I'm tired.

Why don't we go
to bed? No, Stanley.

I'd rather do something
we can do together.

Where are the earthquakes
when you really need them?

Do something! Me do
something? It's your movie.

Okay, here we go.
[ Camera Whirring ]

Wait a minute! Now that we're all here, how
about a fast game of hearts or charades?

Larry's got... It sounds
like, uh, two scissors cuts...

Cut. Cutthroat. A pirate
movie. [ Mr. Roper ] Uh, Jack?

Cutthroat! Jack! Sit down.

I did my best. That
was your best?

♪♪ [ Cartoon ]

Guess who!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Chuckles ] Woody Woodpecker?

What a nice surprise, Larry.

They always show the
cartoon before the main feature.

Fifty bucks for
Woody Woodpecker!

The guy took me for 50 bucks!

Thank God for good old
Kenneth What's-His-Name.

He really gave you the bird. [ Imitating
Woody Woodpecker Laughing ] Come on.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Ends ]

- I've been standing here
two hours. How much longer?
- I'm almost finished.

Sorry. Thank you.
Oh, hi, everybody.

Hi, Mr. Roper. Hi.

What happened,
Mr. Roper? Lose your toilet?

Oh, Jack. Chrissy's new
boyfriend is a painter, so...

Oh, so out go the camera and film,
in come the paper and charcoal, right?

You got it. Let's look at it.

Can I see it? Oh, good. Sure.

Oh, boy, Chrissy.
That's pretty good.

You think so? Yeah.

- Oh, you're gonna
love this, Mr. Roper.
- Really?

Yeah. Oh, you are not
going to believe the likeness.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

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