Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Babysitters - full transcript

Jack and Chrissy agree to take over Janet's babysitting job for a night. To their dismay, they are met with a crying baby, no TV, and a locked liquor cabinet.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

Hey, Chrissy!

Hi. You wanna play
drop the handkerchief? Hi.

Not with my towel.

- What is it, Janet?
- Um, can I borrow
your brown eyeliner?

Sure. Thank you.

What are you reading?
Uh, it's called Quorum:

A Study of Personal

Oh, a dirty book.

It is not a dirty book.

It is a serious look at modern-day
problems of man and woman...

and a couple of people who
had a crack at being both.

That's what I
said... A dirty book.

Chrissy, it is filled with
scientific facts and figures.

They're really fascinating.

Do we have a tape
measure around here?

Yeah. It's in the
kitchen drawer.

What do you want it for? I
wanna measure my head.

See, they have this theory in there
that you can measure a person's virility...

by the size of his skull.

Now, see what I
mean? Scientific.

Oh, uh, Chrissy honey,
just one more thing.

Could I borrow
your tan skirt? Sure.

And the plaid shawl? I thought
you said, "one more thing."

Well, they go together. Sure.

Oh, thank you.
David will love it.

- You know, I was just thinking.
- What?

There's more of me going out
with David than there is of you.

Chrissy, read this.

Uh, 22 inches.

Twenty-two, huh? Yeah!

Hang on.

What a crackpot theory this is.

Why don't you let your hair
grow and measure it again?

[ Phone Ringing ] No!

Hello. No, this is Chrissy.

Oh, uh, hi, Chrissy.
This is Jerry Randall.

Look, Punkin and I
were going out at 8:00,

but with the traffic, we thought
we'd better leave at 7:30.

- Would that be all right?
- Yeah. You want
a second opinion?

Uh, would you please ask Janet?

You want a third opinion?

No, no, no, no. Just tell
her I'd like her to come early.

You see, she's babysitting for
us. She promised weeks ago.

She did, huh?

Oh. Okay, I'll tell her.
7:30. Right. Bye-bye.

I'm all ready. Uh...

Aren't you forgetting something?

Why? Don't I look all right?

Oh, no, you look
great. Thank you.

I just hope he doesn't wet
himself all over your skirt.


No, the Randalls's baby. What?

Jerry just called, and he said that
you promised to babysit for them tonight.

[ Gasps ] Oh, no!
Oh, Chrissy, I forgot!

Hey, don't worry.
I'll take your place.

Will you, really? Sure.

Thanks. Where's David
going to be taking me?

No! [ Chuckles ]

Chrissy, honey, please,
you gotta help me out here.

No, Janet. I will sit
with anything but babies.

Oh, Chrissy! Oh! Oh. No! No.

[ Clears Throat, Chuckles ]

Jack, sweetheart, do you think maybe you
could... Absolutely out of the question,

no way, never, not a
chance, impossible.

Don't beat around
the bush. Yes or no?

Why don't you try Mrs.
Roper? Oh, good idea.

Uh-uh, bad idea. She's in
bed with the flu. [ Janet ] Huh?

Oh, no!

I'm telling you, Helen, this
cooking is not a job for a man.

I'm worn-out.

All you did was boil an egg.

What about the toast?
Don't forget the toast.

Where is it? It caught on fire.
I threw it out in the garbage.

Well, why didn't you
make me another batch?

Because that was
the last of the bread.

Oh, wonderful.

Don't blame me. If you
don't remember to go

shopping before you
get sick, it's not my fault.

Where you going?

I'm going to watch television. Name
That Tune goes on in a few minutes.

Aw, you can watch that anytime.

Come on. Sit down
and talk to me.

What do you wanna talk about?

We could talk about us.



Well, Helen,

here we are.

You and me... in the
bedroom... together.

Yes, Stanley?

If you weren't sick, we could
be watching Name That Tune.

Oh, go watch your
stupid program.

Well, if you don't wanna
talk, it's all right with me.

Oh. Maybe I ought to sleep
on the couch tonight. What for?

You got the flu. All those
germs and everything.

Oh, you don't have
to bother, Stanley.

You never get close
enough to catch anything.

Helen... Aah...
Aah... [ Sneezes ]

Oh, Janet, I don't know one
end of a baby from the other.

If I were gonna put a diaper
on, it would probably suffocate.

Oh, please, please, Chrissy.

The Randalls are old friends
of mine. I can't let them down.

I'm scared of being
alone with a little baby.

Well, Jack could go with you.

No way. Uh-uh. I got a
date with a TV set tonight.

Lakers are playing Portland. You
could watch it on the Randalls's set.

Their set's much
better than ours. It is?

Sure. Ooh! And they
have a fabulous bar. So?

So, you know all those
fancy liqueurs you've

been dying to cook
with but can't afford?

- They have them all.
- Really?

Yes. Well, if
it'll help you out.

How about it, Chrissy? How
would you like me to fix you...

crêpe Suzettes à la Grand
Marnier, Curacao, Benedictine?


[ Doorbell Rings ] Come on.
That's David. Will you do it?

- I will if Chrissy will.
- Okay.

Oh, Chrissy, honey,
thank you! Thank you!

Oh... What? Okay. Thank you too.

Jack, it's only one night.

Hi, David. Come in. Hi, Janet.

You look lovely. Oh, thank you.

Did you find the place
all right? Yes, I did.

Good. I'd like for you to meet
my friends, Jack and Chrissy.

- Hi, Jack, Chrissy.
- Hi.
- Hello, David.

What wonderful things have you
planned for you and Janet this evening?

Oh! It's a special recital
of 14th century music...

with Natasha Andromovich
on the clavichord.

She's gonna play her collarbone?

Just kidding over there.

Oh, I see. [ Clears Throat ]

Fourteenth century music? Yes.

Oh, wow! [ Forced Chuckling ]

Maybe I should've
stuck with the babysitting.

Punkin, Punkin, Punkin, it's 7:30.
Hasn't the baby settled down yet?

No, not yet. He's
still kicking like crazy.

He's gonna be a
football player, this one.

No, I meant Jonathan.
Oh, him. He's fine. Yeah.

Oh! That was a field goal.

Look, are you sure you're
gonna be all right? Oh, sure.

Dr. James says it's not gonna
happen for at least another two weeks.

[ Doorbell Rings ]

Yeah, and seven months
ago, he said it was indigestion.

Oh, hi. Hi, Jerry.

Janet couldn't make it, so we're
gonna babysit instead, if that's okay.

Oh, fine. Sure. That's awfully
kind of you. Come on in.

Thanks. Punkin,
you know Chrissy.

And this is... Jack. He's
gonna babysit with me.

Looks like we're a little early.

No, no. This is number two.

- Is it gonna be
a boy or a girl?
- I certainly hope so.

Jonathan's in the
bedroom. Come on.

Well, I'll just show you
where the bottles are.

Yeah, I've been
looking forward to this.

They're right here in the
refrigerator, under the bar.

[ Chrissy ] Oh, he's so cute. How
old is he? [ Punkin ] Almost a year.

You hardly had time
to catch your breath

before you were off to
the races again, huh?

Right. Jerry thought that
having another baby...

would be a good cure
for postnatal depression.

Well, we shouldn't be
getting back too late.

Oh, don't worry about that. Uh,
where do you keep your TV set?

Right there. But it's out
being repaired now. Oh.


Punkin, Punkin, come on. It
takes a half hour just to get there.

All right, all right. You take all
the pleasure out of being late.

Ooh. Help yourselves to a drink.

We will. Thanks.

Have a good time. Thanks a lot.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye.

[ Imitates TV Clicking On,
Gasps ] Wow, look at that color!

Oh, Chrissy, they get much
better reception than we get.

If I could read lips,
I could see what

Kareem was saying to
Walton under the basket.

Oh, boy, this is exciting!

Oh, look, Walton's up! He
shoots! All right, all right.

So you miss a basketball game.

They'll be another
one next week.

[ Groaning ]

Why don't you go get some of
those liqueurs and start cooking?

At least there's
that. Janet was right.

They've got everything in here.

[ Groaning ]

It's locked. This is super.
No liqueur, no cooking, no TV.

Will you stop complaining?

I just thought of
something. I gotta go home.

Our apartment's empty, and
somebody could walk in and steal our TV.

- I'll call you as soon
as I get home.
- Oh, no!

I have to go.
Please let me go. No!

You're not leaving me
here alone. You sit down.

Read this.

It's not gonna do you
any harm to spend a

nice, peaceful evening
at home for a change.

[ Jonathan Crying ]

[ Crying Continues ]

He got so red in the
face. [ Laughs ] Yeah.

Babies are so cute
when they're trying...

Chrissy, I'd rather not
talk about it anymore.

Where do I put this? [ Shouts ]

In the bathroom.

Oh, I'm glad he
finally got to sleep.

If we'd just be quiet, we could have
a nice, peaceful... [ Phone Ringing ]

Get the phone.
It'll wake up the kid.

I don't know where it is.
Look. Find it. Look for the cord.

I don't know. [ Gasps ]

Shh! Shh! Hello?

I'm sorry. I was ringing as quietly
as I could. Did I wake the baby?

- Uh, no.
- Good.

Look, Punkin went into labor
right in the middle of the appetizer.


Yeah. Pain every five minutes.

I had to drive her
to the hospital,

so I'll be getting back a
little later than I expected.

Uh, in the meantime,
fix yourself another drink.

Well, I haven't even had
one yet. The cabinet's locked.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
should've told you.

The keys are in
the desk. Good-bye.

All right. Bye-bye.

Jerry said Punkin's
having the baby.

Oh, no! That means we're
stuck here till he gets home.

That's all we needed.

At least we can
get at the liqueur.

This is locked.
That's all we needed!

[ Jonathan Crying ]

[ Together ] That's
all we needed.

Chrissy, you go in
there. No, no, no.

You go in there. [ Muttering ]

♪ There was a young lady
from Wheeling ♪ [ Cooing ]

- ♪ Whose bust was so huge,
it... ♪♪
- Jack!

What are you doing? You
told me to sing to Jonathan.

That's what I'm doing.
Not dirty limericks.

Well, how did you know
it was a dirty limerick?

I haven't even gotten
up to that part yet.

[ Imitating Gun
Firing ] Will you s...

I'm sorry. stop
it, being so silly?

Okay. I won't sing to him
anymore. I shall read him a story.

Ah! Percy Puff Puff
and His Little Red Tooter.

Would you like that? [ Cooing ]

Okay, we'll go with Percy.


"'Oh, what a lovely day, ' said
Percy the Puff Puff, and he tooted."

Toot! Tooted.

"Sammy the Signal raised
his arm as Percy passed by.

"'Where are you
going?' said Sammy.

"'I'm on my way to the
seashore, ' said Percy." Do...

What? Do you think
you could go back...

to "There Was a Young
Lady From Wheeling"?

Chrissy, this wasn't written for you.
It was written for him and me, okay?

Well, excu-u-use me!

"Percy's little tender behind...

him was full of lumpy
coal for the journey." Hey.

You did good. I did?

You bored him to sleep.

Wait a minute. I wanna
see how this turns out.

[ Clicks Tongue ] You're not
really gonna read that, are you?

Oh, yeah, it gets
real sexy later on.

Percy has a thing going
with Daphne Diesel Engine.

You're nuts, you know.

No, really. What do you think was
making Percy go, "puff, puff, puff"?

Boy, it's 11:30.

I sure hope Punkin's all
right. [ Phone Ringing ]

- Hello?
- Oh, uh, Chrissy, hi.

No, nothing's happened yet.

But the doctor says it
could be any minute now.

Look, the thing is, I, uh, promised
Punkin I'd be there at the birth.

Yeah, watch the whole thing.

So if you wouldn't mind
staying a little longer...

But we... See...
Well, sure. Okay.

Let me talk to him, Chrissy.
Hello. Yeah, everything's all right.

Listen, where do you keep
the key to the writing desk?

You wanna write something?

No, I want some liqueur.

That's in the liquor cabinet.
Help yourself. Good-bye.

No, no, wait, wait. I know
it's in the liquor... [ Groans ]

Damn! Don't swear!

[ Jonathan Crying ]

[ Clicks Tongue ] Oh, damn!

Well, David, I had
a lovely evening.

Did you? No, but
I'm trying to be polite.

You don't like
14th century music?

Not to listen to.
Think of it as spinach.

You may not like it,
but it's good for you.

[ Forced Chuckle ] That's
cute. That's real cute.

I would love to invite you in,
but my roommates are home.

So if you don't mind, good
night, David. [ Phone Ringing ]

[ Sighs ] Hello.

Hi, Chrissy. How's it going?

Ooh, gee, how long
has he been crying?

Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Okay. Don't
worry. This is what you do.

You know the medicine
chest in the bathroom?

Yeah. There's some cotton
balls in there. Mm-hmm.

Just stuff them in
your ears. Yeah.

Well, that's...
that's what I do.

If you're so worried, why
don't you call Mrs. Roper?

She used to work in a hospital.

Okay, honey. Bye-bye.

[ Sighs ] Hi!

So, you're, uh, all alone.

Uh, oh, yeah, I see what
you... [ Clears Throat ]

Well, now, I will be, just
as soon as you leave.

Oh, hey, hey, can't a thirsty
guy get a drink around here?

Oh, sure you can.
What would you like?

Oh. Scotch and soda.

Great! You can get that at the Regal
Beagle. It's right around the corner.

Good night, David! Thanks! Why?

[ Crying ] "'What a lovely sand
castle, ' said Percy Puff Puff."

See the little sand castle? Hi.

What did Janet say?

She doesn't know. Do
you think he's teething?

What? Do you
think he's teething?

No, "Chrithy," I'm
"thure" he's "therious."

Shh. [ Muttering ]

Aren't you worried at all?

You're responsible
for that baby.

I am not. I've only been
in L.A. for six months.


I'm gonna call Mrs. Roper.

Shh. Okay, now... Wait.
Be qu... Come on. Come on.

Where were we? Oh, yeah.

"'Toot-toot, ' said
Percy..." [ Crying Stops ]

Oh, you went to
sleep. [ Gibberish ]

[ Crying Resumes ] [ Screaming ]

[ Ringing ]

[ Snoring ]

Oh, you're a big help.
[ Ringing Continues ]

Stanley. Stanley!

Not tonight, Helen.
Maybe tomorrow night.


I said, "Maybe tomorrow night."

Hello. [ Sniffling ]

Oh, Chrissy. [ Snoring ]

Oh, no, no, no, you're
not disturbing me.

Nothing ever disturbs me in bed.



Oh, yeah, I used
to work in a hospital.

In the laundry room.

Yes. Did some of his
buttons come loose? [ Laughs ]

Oh. Oh. Well, maybe it's gas.

Or maybe he needs changing.

Oh. Look, well, did you
feel his bottom, Chrissy?

What? Whose bottom?

Quiet, Stanley.

Listen, rub some
oil between his legs,

and sprinkle some powder on it.


Go to sleep, Stanley,
or I'll breathe on you.

Hey, listen, Chrissy,
I've got an idea.

Try putting some
honey on his nipple.


Well, we'll try anything.

It's all right. He went to
sleep. Let me talk to her.

Mrs. Roper, hi. He let out one
big burp and went right to sleep.

Yeah, well, thank
you. Okay. Good night.

So it was gas!

Either that or a sonic boom.

Oh, what a relief! Yeah,
that's what he said.

Well, that solves that.

Now there's only
one more problem.

Looks like we're gonna
have to sleep here tonight.

Yeah, and there's
only one bed, right?


[ Doorbell Ringing ]

[ Knocking On Door ]

All right! What?

Hi. What happened last night?

Oh, you don't wanna
know about that, Janet.

What? Jack, why didn't you guys
come home last night? [ Phone Ringing ]


Um, why did the two of
you spend the night here?

Janet, Janet, you're
a woman of the world.

No, I'm not. You would be
if you spent the night here.


Okay. Okay. Bye-bye.

That was Punkin. How is she?

Her mother's coming
over here right now. Why?

She had a girl! Seven
pounds, 10 ounces!

- Her mother?
- No. Punkin.

Oh, wow, that's wonderful!

- Why is her mother coming over?
- Jerry had a concussion.

How much does it weigh?

Chrissy, honey, what
are you talking about?

About Punkin having a baby.

Yes. More, please.

Jerry fainted during the birth
and hit his head on the floor,

and they're holding
him for observation.

Oh, God, we're never gonna
leave here! We're stuck here for life!

[ Doorbell Rings ] Jack... Oh.

Good morning. I'm
Punkin's mother. Morning...

Where's my grandson?
Shh! He's still asleep.

Still asleep at this
hour? That's terrible.

It's lucky I'm here. His
breakfast has to be made,

his diapers washed, his
bed has to be changed.

Is his bath ready? Don't ask us.

We're the night
shift. [ Chuckles ]

You want the day shift.

What? Come on. Let's get going.

Oh, no. He likes
cereal for breakfast.

Make sure his bath isn't too warm, and
we mustn't forget his little rubber duck.

Lady... Lady, listen... We
mustn't forget his little rubber duck.

No, Jack. Jack,
Jack, sweetheart...

Have a wonderful time!
Jack... Jack... Chrissy?

Right. Okay. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Chrissy...

Chrissy... Guys!

Don't just stand there. Come
on. Get cracking. Get cracking.

Yeah, right. Cracking,
right. Cracking. Creeps.

[ Jonathan Crying ] No!

[ Door Unlocks ]


That's it. That's it.

That's the last sit
I do for anyone.

- That bad, huh?
- Oh, Jack.

Jack, there are no words
to describe how I feel.

- Well, you look awful.
- That's one.

Wait a minute. I thought the
kid's grandmother was there.

- Didn't you get any help?
- Oh, yeah, she was there,
all right.

About two minutes
after you guys left,

she collapses on the couch
and mumbles something like,

"Oh, my poor heart can't
take all this excitement."

You're kidding. What did you do?

Oh, Chrissy, I spent
the next 12 hours...

feeding and
fetching and reading.

"'Toot, toot' went
the Little Red Tooter.

'Toot, toot' went
Percy the Toot Toot."

Percy the Puff Puff.

Gee, we didn't have
any trouble with that baby.

The baby? I'm talking
about the old lady.

[ Muttering ]

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles