Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 12 - Jack's Uncle - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

Ow.

Chrissy, when you eat something,
what side do you chew on?

The side that's nearest to me.

No, no. See... See,
I was at the dentist,

and he said that everybody chews on one
side of their mouth more than on the other.

Take a bite. Okay. Let's see...

Don't look at me. Huh?

Well, I can't chew when you're
looking at me. I get really self-conscious.

I chew straight up
and down in the middle.

Chrissy, that's ridiculous.
Only rabbits chew in the middle.

Take another bite.

Don't look at me. I'm
not looking. I'm observing.



Well, I'll observe
myself in the mirror.

[ Mockingly ] I'll observe
myself in the mirror.

Well? I chew on the left.

[ Doorbell Rings ] Yeah?

That's terrible. Why?

That means one side of my mouth
is gonna wear out before the other.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Roper. Hi, Janet.

By the time I'm 30,
I'm gonna be lopsided.

Well, look, honey. Why don't you
try just exercising with the other arm.

No, no. See, Mrs. Roper...
Honey, I don't have much time.

I just wanted to warn you...

that Mr. Roper is on
the rampage for his rent.

Oh, my goodness.
Is it rent time already?

Gee, I didn't know
that. Did you, Chrissy?

No.

Well, you know me, Janet. I
can never keep track of time.

The rent's ten days
overdue. Eleven.

Oh.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't
worry you about this,

but Mr. Roper is really upset.

See, he's been looking
over the ads in the papers...

and it's given him an idea of how
much he can really get for this dump.

Listen, Mrs. Roper, we are gonna pay
the rent today as soon as Jack gets home.

- Thanks, Janet.
- There's no reason for
Mr. Roper to get excited.

Oh, no, not excited.
I said he was upset.

Mr. Roper rarely gets excited.

Well, it is a good thing Jack's
collecting that $100 Larry owes him.

Yeah, otherwise we'd
be out on the street.

- I could kill that Larry.
- Hello, street. Here we come.

- You didn't get the $100?
- No. He used the $100
I loaned him...

to pay back the 50 he
borrowed from another guy.

- What about the other 50?
- He said he put it
into a savings bank.

And when it makes $50 interest,
then he'll have the 100 to pay me back.

- Hey, that's smart. When will that be?
- About 1991.

I don't think Mr. Roper
will wait that long.

What are we gonna do?
Mr. Roper's gonna be here any minute.

Yeah, I know. I just saw
Mrs. Roper on the stairs.

Okay. Okay, this is
what we're gonna do.

What? We're gonna
go to the beach.

What? Might as well have
some fun while we're worrying.

No. Get your suits on.
Come on. Hup. hup! Suits on!

I left mine outside to dry.

Hello, Jack. Hello. Who are you?

Uncle Fremont! It
is Uncle Fremont?

It better be. Otherwise, somebody
else has been kissing the girls I love.

Come in. What are
you doing in L.A.?

I thought I'd drop in and visit my
favorite nephew. I'm your only nephew.

That never stops you
from being my favorite.

The last time I heard, you
were in Argentina, right? Yep.

How was South
America? Very Spanish.

Especially the ladies.

How 'bout the men? Very jealous.

Weren't you in oil down
there? Well, I had to get out.

I tried Mexico for a while.

Uh-huh. What were
you in there? Hot water.

That's right. I remember my
dad wrote me all about that.

And he said then you came back and you
finally settled down to live in San Diego.

Don't confuse your
terms, dear boy.

You can either settle down or
live. You cannot do both. Oh.

Now, I suppose this is your
little... I believe you call it a pad.

Well, we call it an apartment.

Your father worries about you, you
know, how you're making it on your own,

what you do for recreation...

Jack, I was thinking that
maybe if we took a picnic...

- Oh.
- Uncle Fremont, this is
my friend Janet.

- Uncle?
- Friend?

Well, we were, uh,
just going to the beach.

Oh! Oh, good.

See, Janet lives here,
but it's not what you think.

- All we share is the apartment.
- Oh, children, children,

you don't have to
explain to me. [ Chuckles ]

You're very lovely, my dear.

Okay, I'm ready.

Chrissy, this is
my Uncle Fremont.

Well, how do you do?
Alas, not as well as Jack.

You have, um, friends like
this dropping in all the time?

Well, actually, Chrissy lives here
too. You see, the way we live...

I know how you live, dear boy. You've died
and gone to heaven. That's how you live.

[ Phone Ringing
] Oh, I'll get it.

[ Jack Chattering ] Hello? What?

Jack, please. I
can't hear! What?

Who? Oh, I'm sorry.

Uncle Fremont, it's a woman,
Mona Carmichael. Mona!

How in the
world... Tell her I...

Tell her I have
nothing to say to her.

[ Sighs ] Who's Mona Carmichael?

Oh, a woman in San
Diego trying to get her man.

And you know
what they say, Jack?

Stone walls do
not a prison make,

but a lovely woman's
money is very hard to shake.

Why don't you kids just nip
off to the beach while I unpack.

Well, Uncle Fremont, I'm
afraid you can't stay here.

There's not much room. Of
course he can. What about the sofa?

It's very uncomfortable.
You'll get used to it.

Wonderful. Where's your
kitchen? It's right through there.

Terrific. Now, while
you kids are having fun,

I'll get dinner ready.

[ Sighs ] Oh, Jack, Jack.

Oh, Jack, I just
love your uncle.

He's so full of charm
and personality.

Well, I guess it
runs in the family.

Really? Wow,
who else has got it?

[ Gasps ]

I don't want it to seem like I'm putting my
uncle down. I love him. He's a great guy.

But there are a couple of things I
think you ought to know about him.

Like what?

Well, he has a habit of giving
people gifts he can't afford.

Then how does he pay
for them? By checks.

Checks for jewelry,
for automobiles.

- Those are good gifts.
- I wish I could say the same
for the checks.

Oh. [ Doorbell Ringing ]

Oh, no, that's Mr. Roper!

Chrissy, calm down. Don't panic
until you know who it is. Okay.

Now you can panic. Oh, no.

We'll just put this in your
room, Jack. Come on. Uh...

[ Mr. Roper ] Open up,
Jack. I know you're in there.

I recognized your eye.

I want my rent. Oh, Stanley,
where are your manners?

When you walk in a
room, you say hello first.

Hello! I want my rent!

Don't you ever think
of anything but money?

Listen, I hate it when I expect something
at a certain time and I don't get it.

I know the feeling.

Mr. Roper, I promise,
you'll get your rent very soon.

What do you kids do
with all your money?

Well, most of it probably goes
in their Swiss bank accounts.

They don't have any
expenses. When the girls

go out, their boyfriends
pay for everything.

Well, what about Jack?

Same thing.

Mr. Roper, I'd like you
to meet my uncle. What?

He's visiting us from San Diego.

Uncle Fremont? Your kitchen
is absolutely charming, dear boy!

Uncle Fremont, I'd like you to
meet Mr. Roper. He's our landlord.

He's one of the nicest men
you could ever meet. Really?

Coming from Jack, that
really means something.

What? You know,
I'm proud of that boy.

He's turned out just
the way I'd hoped.

He has? Yes.

His father's the
same way, you know.

He is? Yeah.

I didn't think that sort
of thing ran in families.

It's in the blood.
You can't escape it.

You mean his type
can get married?

Well, happens all the time.

Jack's father's happily married, but
that doesn't stop him from having fun.

And his wife doesn't mind?

Not really. She expected
that kind of thing.

When they got married, she knew he
was a man's man, if you know what I mean.

So long.

- Let's get out of here
while we still can.
- Hold it!

[ Gasps ]

I want my rent
and I want it now.

Does everybody like pork chops?

Why, this building
is a miracle...

Just one beautiful
woman after another.

Uncle Fremont, this is
Mrs. Roper. I'm enchanted.

He sure is.

Mr. Roper. Mr. Roper, here's $200, and I
will have my share of the rent very soon.

- That's not good enough. I want it all!
- Just a minute.

Am I to understand that all you
need is Jack's share of the rent?

That's right... $100.

Well, that seems little enough.
Oh, no. No. Uncle Fremont?

One hundred dollars... No,
no. No check. No, please.

And no cents.

Done... and done.

[ Inaudible Dialogue ]

Well, now we can go to
the beach. Get dressed.

Why? I have to talk to my uncle.

Can't you talk to your
uncle in my bathing suit?

I'll explain it to you while
we get dressed, okay?

Uncle Fremont, you did it again.
That was a bum check, right?

It got you out of
the hole, didn't it?

But what happens when Mr. Roper
tries to cash it Monday morning?

Don't worry about me, dear
boy. By that time, I'll be long gone.

But we'll still be here.

And when he finds out
it's a bum check, he'll

have a perfect excuse
for throwing us out.

I was only trying to
help. Well, you didn't!

We're in more trouble than
we were before. Thank you.

Well, I guess I... I just
didn't think that far ahead.

Maybe I am getting old.

Well, I'll just get my
valise. Wait, Uncle Fremont.

Where you gonna go?

Well, there's always Mona.

You remember? The lady who
called earlier. She's very well-endowed.

When you get to be her age,
that means you have money.

But I thought you didn't like her. You
didn't even wanna talk to her on the phone.

Well, I've been thinking
about it. It's not so bad.

I'll have a comfortable
home, a generous allowance,

I'll be taken to...
fashion shows,

bridge parties, charity balls.

Mona loves to make an entrance
with something decorative on her arm.

Well, then she ought
to get herself a tattoo.

It'll be a splendid life.

Just think. I'll never
have to worry about...

having fun again.

Oh, that poor man.

Gee whiz, Jack. What
did you say to him?

I sort of laid into him and
told him he acted stupid.

That is so cruel. All he
did was pass a bad check,

and you act like it
was some sort of crime.

Okay, so what are we gonna do?

Well, if only we could
get that check back.

Well, there's a way to fix that.

- Will you stay out of this?
- Jack, he's only trying to help.

Right, with another phony check.

No, this is strictly
on the up-and-up.

Now, now, here is my plan.

I will invite the Ropers
up here for a drink and...

By the way, do any of you know
where Mr. Roper keeps his checks?

One time when I took the rent down, I
saw him put it in a drawer in his desk.

Good! Now while
they are up here...

entranced by my fascinating tales of
the Far East, you will go down there...

And steal the check?
Nothing of the kind.

You're simply taking back something
that belonged to me in the first place.

That's right. It's got his
name on it and everything.

It's stealing,
and I won't do it.

Jack, do you have a better idea?

Do you think I
should wear gloves?

Oh, wasn't that
sweet of Jack's uncle...

to help him out that way?

Those people stick together,
you know. [ Doorbell Ringing ]

Well, naturally.
They're related.

In more ways than one.

Huh?

Ah, my dear Mr. Roper.

I wonder if you and
your charming wife...

would care to join me
upstairs for a cocktail or two?

I don't think so.
I'm kind of tired.

His charming wife is wide awake.

We'd love to have
you too, Mr. Roper.

- No, no, you and Helen
go right ahead.
- You mean you would trust me...

alone with your wife?

Like you were her mother.

But, Mr. Roper... I gotta
catch up on my sleep.

Poor thing.

He hasn't had a nap
since this morning.

Uh, you... you go on ahead. I'd
like a moment to myself. Why?

Well, I'm in the midst of
composing a poem to your beauty,

and I haven't finished it yet.

[ Chuckles ] Take your time.

Psst. It's all set. What do you
mean, all set? Roper's still in there.

Don't worry about him. He
said he was going to go to sleep.

Now, just be quiet
in there. Good luck.

Yeah, good luck. Okay, girls.

What? I want you to
stand guard out here.

And if you see anybody
coming, whistle. I can't whistle.

Well, do the best you can.

[ Draw Rattles ] [ Snores ]

[ Snores, Coughs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Drawer Rattles ] [ Snores ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Cup Clanging ]

What the hell are
you doing in here?

I thought you might like to
come upstairs with me. What?

No. Right.

I don't mean just me. I mean,
we're having a party up there.

It'll be me and Janet and
Chrissy and my uncle and...

Mr. Roper! Whistle, whistle!

Whistle, whistle?

Whistle, whistle.
It's a new dance.

Come on up. We'll show you
how to do the whistle and the hustle.

Oh, the wine is lovely.

Not half so lovely as the
hand that holds it, my dear.

[ Chuckles ] Oh,
you can't mean that.

What am I saying?

[ Jack ] It's a little party.

Stanley, I thought
you were taking a nap!

- I was, but Jack woke me up.
- Well, what's a party
without shoes.

I mean, people. Oh. Uh-oh. I smell
something burning in the kitchen.

It might be your dinner, Uncle.
Let's go look at the burning kitchen.

Didn't get it, huh?
He's got it on him.

Oh! Well, he'll just
have to give it to us.

How you gonna get him to do
that? Uh, greed, my dear boy. Greed.

Now, when we go back out there,
you find some way to casually...

bring the conversation around
to money. Leave that to me.

Everything's fine.
Nothing burned. Good.

So, everything
okay out here? Fine.

Oh, great, great. How you doing,
Chrissy? You okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Mrs. Roper, everything all
right with you? Oh, sure. Fine.

You okay, Mr. Roper? I'm okay.

Good, good.

Oh, Lordy, Lordy.

So, how much money did you
make last year, Uncle Fremont?

Uh, uh, well, it
wasn't my best year.

My investments only brought
in a few hundred thousand.

A few hundred thousand!
Well, what kind of investments?

Forget it, Stanley. If you
own it, it's sure to go down.

Listen, maybe I
could... No, no, no, no.

I never allow my friends to put
their money in my investments.

I'm not your friend.

That's true.

Uh, by the way, there is one
little stock. Yeah, yeah, yeah?

But I would need a, uh, deposit.

Say, uh, $100.

I have your check. I could
endorse it right over to you.

Why didn't I think of that?

You're a very persuasive
man, Mr. Roper.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Helen, we're gonna
be rich. I'm so excited!

He's excited!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

[ Sighs ] Voilà.

Ya did it, Uncle Fremont.

That was beautiful. I'm sorry
to have been so much bother.

Oh, no. You were a big help.

If you hadn't come to visit, we never
would have gotten that check back.

[ Doorbell Ringing ] That's
a good point, Chrissy.

Hi. How do you do?

[ Singsongy ] I'm Mona Carmichael.
[ Mockingly ] I'm Jack Tripper.

Mona! Mona, what
are you doing here?

Isn't it obvious, darling?
I've come for you.

[ Stammering ] Well, Mona,
this is my nephew Jack...

Hello. and his friends
Chrissy and Janet.

- I spoke to you on the phone.
- Really? You sounded much older.

I forgive you for not
talking to me on the phone.

Now, my car is
waiting downstairs.

I've arranged to have my chauffeur drive
us to Las Vegas where we can be married.

The minister will be waiting at
the chapel at precisely midnight.

And I've reserved
the bridal suite.

And I suppose you've
selected my wardrobe also?

As a matter of
fact, yes, I have.

She thinks of
everything. [ Chuckles ]

Well, good-bye, Jack.

Good-bye, Chrissy... and Janet.

You're all very beautiful.

And now, my dear Mona, Yes?

I have just remembered a lovely little
island off the coast of South America...

where they have the
most spectacular sunsets...

Really? and the most
spectacular ladies...

to help one enjoy them.

Adiós.

Adiós? You come back here!

Vaya con Dios!

I don't understand that man.

I could have given him everything, and
he walks out on me. What did I do wrong?

Well, you shouldn't blame
yourself. It's not your fault.

- You really think so?
- He's much too young for you.

[ Gasps ]

[ Inaudible Dialogue ]

Mr. Roper? What?

Mr. Roper, I have some news about
your investments. How much did I make?

Uh, nothing. The
company went bankrupt.

What?

I should have known better than
to give my money to that crook.

Now wait a minute. My friend
Larry... I mean, my friendly uncle,

he felt upset about that,

and he wanted me to
give you back your $100.

Here you go. Now
there's an honest man.

Huh? If you were
more like your uncle,

I'd never have to
worry about my rent.

Yes, sir.

If I hit this desk
one more ti-i-i...

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles