Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 11 - Janet's High School Sweetheart - full transcript

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪



♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

No, Ralph. I'm busy tomorrow.

No, I'm busy next week too.

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

If I ever need more wrestling
lessons, I'll be glad to go out with you.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Bye.

[ Sighs ] Don't you just hate it
when men try to manhandle you?

I don't remember.

Oh, you fixed it!
What was wrong?

It was a short.

You know, you
people are so careless.

You should never bend an
electrical cord. Otherwise...

[ Screams ] [ Yelps ]



What happened?

Stanley was showing
us how not to get a shock.

Will you put some
clothes on? My wife's here.

Mind your own business, Stanley.

What if the towel slips?

Mind your own business, Stanley.

Jack, you have some
shaving cream on your face.

- Oh, thank you.
- No! Jack!

Mind your own business, Chrissy.

Uh, excuse me.

Does he always walk around
like that in front of you girls?

No. Only after he
takes a shower.

Do you walk around
like that in front of him?

Of course not. I wear
my towel up to here.

I don't understand those kids.

What ever happened to
good, old-fashioned modesty?

It's living with us, Stanley.

Hello, everybody. Oh, Janet. Hi.

Wasn't this a beautiful day?

I feel so good, and I
just love everybody.

Hey, who turned you
into Little Mary Sunshine?

Oh, Jack, Jack, do you
know who I saw today?

Guess, Jack. Go ahead.
You'll never guess.

Who? Peter Van Horn.

Never heard of him. That's
why you'll never guess.

Have you been taking
lessons from Chrissy?

Oh, Jack. Come on, Helen.
It's time to fix my dinner.

Oh, I'll be down in a minute,
Stanley. I want to hear this.

- Okay, what's a Peter Van Horn?
- Yeah, what?

Well, just picture
the handsomest man,

a terrifically-built guy
and a wonderful athlete.

Okay, I'm thinking
of all three of them.

No, Chrissy. I'm
talking about Peter.

He was the most popular
guy in our high school...

Handsome, quarterback
of the football team...

and the smoothest
dancer in the whole school.

Do you know what they
did when he graduated?

Made him a god?

They retired his
class pin. Yeah, yeah.

It had it on the chest
of every girl in school.

Including yours?

No, no. I didn't
have a chest then.

Well, come on, Janet.
What did he say?

Well... Well... What did
you say? How did he act?

How did you act? Wait Let
me see. Let me see. Um...

All right, in order, he said,
"Hi there," and I said, "Uhhh."

[ All Laughing ]

- And then he said...
- I know! No, no! I know!

He said, "Janet.
Little Janet Wood.

I can't believe it. I just
can't believe it." Right?

Well, that was
after. After what?

After he bumped into me
and knocked me down...

and after he picked me up
and said, "Excuse me, miss."

- He didn't even recognize you?
- Oh, no, no, not at first.

So I said, "Do you
know who I am?"

And he said, "Are you
one of Charlie's Angels?"

- [ All Laughing ]
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And then he said, "No, no, you
couldn't be, 'cause you're much prettier."

- Oh, you're kidding!
- And you still talked to him
after a line like that?

Jack, he doesn't need a
line. This is Peter Van Horn.

Oh, excuse me. I was talking about him
as if he was just a plain old human being.

Bad, Jack. Bad, bad, bad, bad.

[ Knocking ]

Then he said, "Janet.
Little Janet Wood," right?

Is that what he said? Yeah,
after I told him what my name was.

You gonna fix my dinner, or are
you gonna let me starve to death?

You mean I have a choice? Helen.

Oh, come on,
Stanley. Stay a while.

This is so exciting! Janet
met an old sweetheart.

Oh, I wouldn't exactly
call him a sweetheart.

Well, an old flame.

Try, he didn't know I existed.

- Are we gonna get to see him.
- Yes. Yes, you are. Tonight.

I've invited him over
for coffee or something.

Tell us about the
"or something."

What did you have
in mind? [ Slobbering ]

Oh. Oh, Jack.
Uh, I-I-I don't know.

Uh, I just don't
know what I meant.

Are you open for suggestions?

Helen, don't butt in.

I'm not butting in! I'd just like to know
that something's going on somewhere.

And I'd like to know that my
dinner's going on the table.

Oh, come on, Stanley. I want to stay
and hear more about Janet's new flame.

I'm starving. I'm not
interested in new flames.

Naturally. His pilot
light went out years ago.

Oh, Chrissy, do you
know what time it is?

Uh, 7:30. Oh, so he's
gonna be here any minute.

Well, don't worry. Oh,
hey, your hands are like ice!

I'm so scared. Why?

I can't help it, Chrissy. This
afternoon when I ran into Peter,

it was just like being back
in high school all over again...

Skinny little kid, no figure.

But that's all changed now.

I know. I know. But
I can't get over it.

Peter Van Horn is
coming to see me.

When I was in high school, I'd have
given anything to have a date with him.

Instead, I got to go to the
prom with Stevie Gilmore.

They voted us the couple with the
brightest smile. Oh, well, that was nice.

No, it wasn't. It was because
we both wore braces on our teeth.

Oh. [ Laughs ] Oh,
Chrissy. Oh, boy.

What's wrong with her?

Well, you know, it's getting close
to kickoff time and she's worried.

Our Janet, the
original Miss Cool?

Oh, come on,
Janet. He's just a guy.

He's not the second
coming of Mick Jagger.

Jack, why would
he want to date me?

Why would he want to da... Yeah.

Why would he wanna da... Why?

Chrissy, did you ever hear
such a stupid question?

Yes. Last week at the
office, my boss asked me if I...

Chrissy, don't help me.

Janet, you are one
of the most gorgeous,

exciting, wonderful
girls I've ever met.

How come you never
told me that before?

Yeah, how come you
never told me that, either?

That's because we're friends.

And as long as I live here, I
have to think of you as just friends.

To me, you're not girls. You're
just a couple of lumpy boys.

You're a beautiful liar, Jack.

I'd better go get ready now.

Oh, Janet. Yeah?

Wanna wear my
almost Halston dress?

[ Gasps ] Oh! Okay?

Oh, Chrissy, thank
you. Oh, thank you!

I have never seen Janet
like that. She's usually so...

An "almost Halston" dress?

Uh-huh. It's a J.C. Penney
dress with a Halston label sewn in.

That's ridiculous. He'll
never see the label.

It doesn't matter. The girl knows
it's there. That's what counts.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Oh, that must be Peter.

Uh, Chrissy, how are we gonna
explain us to Mr. Wonderful?

Well, you'll think of something.

Hi. I'm looking for Janet Wood.

Hi. Come on in.
She's getting dressed.

Oh?

Uh, w-well, I'm company, and she's
a roommate. That explains everything.

Oh, good going,
Jack. Thanks, Chrissy.

Uh, well, listen.
Why don't I take that?

See, we're all just
friends here. I see.

Well, I'm Peter Van
Horn. I'm Jack Tripper.

Nice to meet you. And
this is Chrissy Snow.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Hi. I'll tell Janet
you're here. Thank you.

Well, come in. I hear
you were quite an athlete.

Well, that was quite
a long time ago.

Say, you look pretty
athletic yourself.

I did play a little baseball.
You know, pitcher.

No kiddin'? So was I. Yeah?

What was your
best pitch? A slider.

But I had an even better pitch than
that. Stand back. I'll show you. Get ready.

And here's Tripper
into the wind-up.

And the pitch. [
Grunts, Laughs ]

Hey, that's a pretty cute
trick. How do you do it?

Well, what you do is
you palm the ball in your

left hand and you
don't let the batter see it.

Then as you go into
your stretch or wind-up...

- Well, well.
- I'll tell you later.

Look at you!

Ah, the skin you love to touch.

Again... and again.

[ Jack Chuckles ]

Hello, Peter. Uh,
have you all met?

Well, then if you two have somewhere
to go, I wouldn't want to hold you up.

We're going, Janet. Don't push.

I hope to see more of you when
I'm back in town. Yeah, I'd like that.

Glad I finally got to meet
you. Come on, Chrissy.

What do you know?
Janet hit the jackpot.

He's really a
nice guy, isn't he?

I can't stand him!

Chrissy, you can't just tell me you don't
like the guy. You gotta give me a reason.

I don't trust him.
I've got this feeling.

- Feeling is not a reason.
- Yes, it is. It's gotta be a reason.

Otherwise, why
would I feel this way?

All right, Chrissy, when did
you first get this feeling? Reason.

Reason, feeling... What's the
difference? That's what I say.

You were the one who said
they weren't the same. Chrissy...

[ Laughs ] What I mean
is, do you have any proof?

Yes. I didn't like what he said.

What did he say?

He said, "I'm very
pleased to meet you."

And? That's it.

What's wrong with saying,
"I'm very pleased to meet you"?

[ Scoffs, Sighs
] It's so simple.

When he said, "I'm very pleased,"
that wasn't just a plain "very," you know.

Huh?

There are "verys"
and there are "verys,"

and his "very" was
very, very strange.

What?

Especially when you put it
together with a double squeeze.

Oh, right.

What's a double squeeze?

[ Sighs ] I'll show you.

Okay, you be me,
and I'll be Peter, okay?

Oh, I'm you? Okay.

Okay, what do you want me to do?

What do you want me to
do? Give me your hand.

Okay.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

He just squeezed your elbow when
he said "very"? What's wrong with that?

The squeeze had a
question mark on it!

A question?

Yes. "How about you and
me getting it on, baby?"

Oh, come on, Chrissy! I can't...

It was, it was! I have met those
squeezers before, and they are no good!

Okay, maybe you
got something there.

Would you do me a favor?
Would you do that again?

I w-want to see if I
can hear that question.

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

I'd love to. Oh, Jack. No!

[ Both Laughing ]

Well, this is just
like old times.

I don't know. I think I was the
only girl in school you didn't take out.

So you were the one.

You sure have changed,
Janet. In all the right places.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, well, you
haven't changed very much, Peter.

Well, I've matured a little.

See, I realized the chicks
were chasing after me...

Not because I was a terrific guy,
but because I was a football hero.

Oh, well, I'll bet the
girls still chase after you.

Yeah. But now it's
because I'm a terrific guy.

[ Laughing ]

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, Peter,

um, do you ever hear
from Charlie Benson?

Who? He was your best friend.

Oh, him. Yeah.

Yeah, I think he got into
teaching someplace up north.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's a shame.

A smart guy like
that wasting his life.

You know, if he'd
played his cards right,

he could be doing
exactly what I'm doing.

Trying to undress me?

What? Trying to...

[ Laughs ] Hey,
that's pretty funny.

Uh, what are you
doing now, Peter?

I'm in sporting goods. Oh,
still playing games, huh?

What?

S-Still pla-play...

Oh, sure, sure. I keep fit. Oh.

You know, the chicks don't
like it if you let yourself go.

Say, listen, I got an idea. Hmm.

Th-Those are throw pillows, but I don't
think you should throw them on the floor.

Why don't we get comfortable?

Isn't that better?
Yeah, it's g-good.

It's good. [ Doorbell Rings ]

Oops.

Excuse me. I think there's
probably someone at the door.

I'll just be getting it, and
you can just be... Oh, hi, hi.

Oh, I just wanted to come and
see if your lamp was all right.

Lamp? Yeah, it's
fine. Well, yeah.

Oh, good. Very good.

Oh, Mrs. Roper, this
is Peter Van Horn.

Our landlady. Good.

Very good.

Ah, the skin you love to touch.

Again... and again.

[ Chuckles ] [ Giggles ]

Oh, Janet, did you... Did
you hear what he said?

Yes, again and again.

Well, I just had to
see your lamp... Oops!

Mrs. Roper, wouldn't you like
to stay and have a drink with us?

Oh... Oh, Janet!
You're so polite.

I know you two want to be alone.

[ Laughing ]

No, I'll just go
back to Stanley.

Then I can be alone too.

[ Clears Throat ]

Well...

[ Sighs ]

Chrissy.

I can't hear myself drink.

Jack, I'm so worried. Maybe we
should call Janet and tell her how we feel.

Janet's okay, Chrissy. Peter's
an old high school friend.

He's the most popular guy in
school. He was a four-letter man.

Yeah, they make
a four-letter word.

Be nice, Chrissy.

Oh, Ja... Oh, Jack, do
me a favor, please. Hmm?

Come with me and call
Janet and just see how she is.

Oh, Chrissy, I can't do that.
She'll think I'm spying on her.

So disguise your
voice. Oh, come on.

Oh, Jack! Oh, Jack,
please? For me?

Mmm. Okay.

Good. Okay, come on. Come. Come.

How should I disguise my voice?

Make an accent.

Make an accent? How do...

[ Southern Drawl ] Howdy!

Howdy, Miss Wood.
Is this Miss Wood?

Hi. I'm an old friend
of Peter Van Horn's.

Uh, you know, Pete's
really a good ol' boy.

But he's also a low-down,
rotten, sneakin' snake in the grass,

and I wouldn't allow him in my house
without you got a mongoose handy.

[ Normal Voice ] Oh, hi, Janet.

No, I don't have a
cold. I was just, uh...

You do? Oh, well, thank... Yeah.

What'd she say?

She said I do a great
Gomer Pyle imitation.

Oh, I thought it was
Tennessee Ernie Ford.

I was doing Jimmy Carter.

[ Chattering ] Enough, Chrissy!

[ Clears Throat ]
Tell me the truth, Jan.

- Janet.
- Janet.

Haven't you... Haven't you been
thinking about me all these years?

[ Sighs ] Well,
in a sense, uh...

I knew it.

You know, hon, all the way
over here I just kept thinking,

"Janet, Janet, Janet."

And, you know, I made
up a little something...

especially for you.

Oh? What was that, Peter?

How much do I love you?

Let me count up the ways.

[ Laughing ]

What the hell's so funny?

Oh, Peter! You got that from
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Oh, no. You got me all wrong. I
never took that chick out in my life!

[ Laughing ]

Well, it would be a little difficult. She's
been dead for over a hundred years!

And she wrote it
just a little differently.

"How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways."

I was never much good at talk.
Why don't we do what I do best?

Oh, no, Peter. I'd rather
not. Oh, come on, Janet.

No, no, Peter. I'm just
not in the mood. Come on.

Hey, listen. How about another
poem? Peter! Peter! No! No!

[ Panting ] Oh, hi.

Oh, my God! Where's Peter?

He's in the bedroom. Oh, my God!

Oh, Jack, he attacked her!
Now, don't jump to conclusions.

Janet, what happened?
He attacked me.

See? Oh, my God!

Well, I don't mean he
attacked me, actually.

He started to really
come after me, so I

tried to run in the
bedroom and lock the door.

And then what happened? He tripped
and hit his head on the broken end table.

We don't have a
broken end table.

We do now. Anyway,
he knocked himself out.

So I put a pillow under his head, an
ice pack on him, and he's in there now.

[ Sighs ] Where are you going?

I'm gonna bring him to, and
then I'm gonna punch him out.

- [ Peter ] Janet?
- He's awake! Oh, no!

Oh, good. Now I don't
have to bring him to.

Oh, no, Jack. Come on,
come on. I can handle this.

Are you sure? Sure. I've
been doing pretty good so far.

Um, why don't you guys just do
a quick fade, and I'll get rid of him.

Okay. Come on, Jack. If you
want me, I'll be in there. Okay?

Thank you.

Hi. How are you?

Oh, it's okay,
Janet. I forgive you.

- You forgive me?
- Playing hard to get.

I got news for you, babe.
It worked. You got me.

I got news for you.
I don't want you.

You're not serious. Oh, Peter!

What does it take to
get through to you?

Stop trying, babe.
You got your man.

Oh, Peter, Peter!
No! Janet. Janet.

All right, hold it
right there, buster!

What are you two doing here?

Hey, don't you hear well?

My friend is not
interested in you!

Oh, so that's it!

Well, that explains everything.

That never occurred to me.

What? You. Her.

Roommates.
Sharing... everything.

[ Chuckles ] Oh?

I read about this
in a book once.

You read a book?

Who helped you
with the big words?

There are no big
words in Dick and Jane.

Well, listen. I don't want to
break up a beautiful friendship.

I mean, uh, whatever
turns you on.

[ Laughing ]

Just imagine, for a minute there
I thought old Pete was losing it.

Well, here. Let me help
old Pete with his old jacket.

Thanks. Hey! Hey!

You okay, babe? Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. But I
feel like a fool.

So do I. Oh, yeah? How come?

I should have known right away
that that guy was a double-squeezer.

- What?
- And that he had a question
mark on the end of it.

- What!
- Look, Janet,

there are "verys"
and there are "verys,"

and his "very" was
very, very strange.

Have you been taking
lessons from Chrissy?

Well, Helen, how do you feel
about Janet's romantic flame now?

Oh, wasn't that terrible? Poor
Janet. She must be so disappointed.

You know, you can say
whatever you want about me,

but I would never force
myself on a woman.

To do what?

You know what I mean, Helen.

Well, now just imagine, Stanley,

if you were my old sweetheart
and you came to see me...

and you ripped off my clothes
and threw me on the bed.

- Helen, I would never do that.
- It was just a suggestion.

[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...

in front of a studio audience.

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