Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 10 - Stanley Casanova - full transcript

Jack tries to improve a dejected Mr. Roper's spirits by getting a girl to hit on him. Unfortnately, Mrs. Roper catches him with the woman.

♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪

♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪

♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪

♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪

♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪

♪ Three's company too ♪

♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪

♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪

♪ Three is company too ♪

♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪

Janet, do you dream a lot?

Uh, it depends on
what I've had for dinner.

Do you dream dirty?

- [ Clucks Tongue ] Is John Denver dirty?
- No.

Then I'm clean.

Why? I don't know. It's
this book I'm reading.

Look Beyond Your Dreams? Yeah. It's got
me so scared, I'm afraid to go to sleep.

I mean, according to this book,
I must be a depraved sex fiend.

Why? What've you
been dreaming about?

The other night I dreamed
I was back in school,

and I went to the prom
wearing blue shoes.

- So? What's wrong with that?
- No dress.

Oh. Okay. It doesn't seem
to matter what I dream about.

In this book, even chocolate
chip cookies are sexy.

No kidding? Geez, it never
turned me on. [ Gasps ]

Listen, Chrissy. If I were
you, I would not worry.

Dreams can mean
whatever you want 'em to.

Well, what about last night?

I dreamed I was walking down this
leafy lane, eating a blueberry muffin,

and suddenly there was this
white unicorn with a tulip in its teeth.

A unicorn? Well, that
doesn't mean that you were...

Well, look it up. Look
under "unicorn." Okay.


"The unicorn is the
classic symbol..."

Whoa! See?

Yeah, this is better
than John Denver.

Hi. Did you have a
good ride? No, not really.

I couldn't get my mind off of
this strange dream I had last night.

What strange dream? Well, I dreamed
I was riding this big, white unicorn...

Did it have a
tulip in its teeth?

I don't know. I only read the
part of the book you underlined.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Did I get
any calls while I was out?

- Nope.
- Oh, good. I was hoping
no girls would call me.

I was hoping I wouldn't
get any calls at all.

That's good 'cause you didn't.

Terrific. I don't
wanna go out tonight.

Just because it's
Saturday night, why do

people feel they have
to go out? You got dates?

[ Together ] No. Oh, good.

- What do you mean, good?
- Well, I mean it's good
we can be together.

I'm looking forward to spending
an evening with my two best friends.

Aw, Jack. We'll have a great
dinner. Then we can talk.

And maybe we can play a little
Scrabble? And we could watch TV.

We'll have a great
time. [ Phone Ringing ]

I'll get it! No, it's for me!

Mine! Mine. Hey, baby, listen.

I got this great new JT album, and if you
got a turntable, maybe we can get it on.

Oh, hello, Steve.

Ha, ha!

Oh, boy, what are you gonna do?

Me? Well, um, sure.

Hey, no problem. Yeah.
All right. Don't worry about it.

See ya. Bye-bye. That was
Steve from The Regal Beagle.

His car's broken down on
the way back from San Diego,

and he wants me to tend
bar for him for a few hours.

Hey, what about our talk?

What about our Scrabble? Aw.

And most of all, what
about our dinner?

I can't let the two of you
go hungry now, can I?

You'll take care of dinner for
us before you go to the pub?

Sure. I'll leave the recipe
for you in the kitchen.

Okay, say it.

Say it, Helen. Come on.
Say I never take you anyplace.

You never take me anyplace.

You're gonna be
sorry you said that.

We're going out.
Put on your makeup.

I'm wearing makeup.

Oh, good. Good.

- Hey, wait a minute. Where are we going?
- To the movies!

Oh, hey, terrific!
To the movies!

What are we gonna see?
A Frankenstein festival.

Frankenstein? Yeah.

It's all on one program.
The Bride of Frankenstein,

The Ghost of Frankenstein and
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man.

No, thanks.

You go. They're
your kind of people.

You don't wanna see
Frankenstein and the Wolf Man?

Can't we see something
more romantic?

No. Why not?

Because I don't have free
passes for something romantic.

You don't have anything
for something romantic.

You know... Listen, Helen.

Before we got married,
a lot of women were

attracted to me, and
plenty of 'em still are.

The only women interested in you
are tenants with backed-up toilets.

Are you saying women are only
interested in me for my plumbing?

Forget it, Stanley.

I'm not gonna forget it 'cause, frankly,
you don't appreciate what you got in me.

Have you been drinking?

I'll tell you something else.

A lot of women would be after
me if it wasn't for this wedding ring.

You have been drinking.

No, but maybe I should be. Wait a
minute. Where are you going now?

- To The Regal Beagle.
- Without a free pass?

[ Imitating Mrs. Roper
] "Without a free pass?"

I'll show you.

I dare you to stay
home and say that.

Here you go, ladies. Two
daquiris. Thanks, Jack.


What's the matter?
Too much tequila?

You're not supposed to
put tequila in a daquiri.

Oh. Then it's definitely too much
tequila. Look. I'm sorry, Joan.

I haven't got Steve's touch.
I'm afraid you're gonna miss him.

Yeah, especially since I was
supposed to have a date with him tonight.

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Oh, me? Oh, you gotta be
kidding. I couldn't date Steve's girl.

He's a close friend of mine.
He's also very big and very strong.

No, Steve wouldn't mind,
really. What do you say?

[ Clears Throat ] I'll fix
you some fresh drinks.

I'd rather have a fresh you.

Excuse me.

Hi, Mr. Roper. What
can I do for you?

What are you doing here?
I'm picking up a little extra cash.

Steve's car broke
down. He'll be along later.

[ Moans ] Is something wrong?

It shows, huh?

You wanna talk about it?

Nah. Okay.

What's wrong with me?
Huh? Nothing's wrong with you.

Why don't women find me
attractive? You're attractive.

Sure, you'd think so,

but I'm talking
about regular women.

Mr. Roper, why don't you cheer up,
and, uh, have a daquiri on the house.

That's good.

You know, in all the
years I've been married,

not one girl has
ever looked at me.

Maybe it's because they
know you're married. That's it.

It's the ring. I told Helen
that, and then... and then... Oh!

Boy, you're really
down, aren't you? Yeah.

I'd bet if they thought
you were single, you

could have women
eating out of your hand.


Jack, you know, I
think you're right.

That girl over there
just waved at me.

Oh, well, see?

Maybe I'll just mosey
over there and... Uh, hold it.

Hold it a second. I got an idea.

Why don't I take this bottle of wine
over to her and tell her it's from you?

Good thinking. Yeah.

Joanie, excuse me.
Would you do me a favor?

That depends. What are
you doing tomorrow night?

[ Chuckles ] No,
it... Excuse me.

See that guy over there?
He's really down on himself.

He's got every right to be.

He's a nice enough guy.
Would you just do me this favor?

Excuse me. Just be nice to
him. Make him feel attractive.

Him? Give me one
good reason why I should.

Uh, I could take you
out tomorrow night.

You know something? He
just became very good-looking.

Mr. Roper, you're in.
She's waiting for you.

Remember, confidence.

[ Clears Throat ] Uh, uh, uh...

Hi, good-lookin'!

Hello, cutie.

[ Snapping Fingers ]

Okay, "soak the brains
and the sweetbreads...

in ice-cold water
for 45 minutes."

Looks like Jack
already did that.

Janet? Hmm?

What part of the body
do brains come from?

The, uh, head part.

You mean these are brain brains?

Yeah. Blech! Ick!

Chrissy, you think maybe you could go
for a hamburger at The Regal Beagle?

I thought you'd never
ask. Okay, let's go.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Wonder who that is.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi, kids.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

No. We were just going
out, that's all. Good.

Uh, Mrs. Roper, is
there anything wrong?

Yeah. Stanley got mad at me.

I told him that he wasn't
attractive to women,

and it really hurt his feelings.

I shouldn't have told him that.

Oh, Mrs. Roper, now, come on.

He's gonna know
you didn't mean it.

Oh, I meant it. I just
shouldn't have told him.

Why don't you take your mind off it
and come with us to have a hamburger?

Oh, hey, that's a
good idea! Good.

Where are you going?
The Regal Beagle.

Oh! Oh, I can't.

Stanley's gone there.

Now, come on, Mrs. Roper.

Listen. I bet the one thing he
wants right now more than anything...

is to see you.

Six plumbers were
there before me...

Six professional plumbers...

And I was the only
one able to figure it out.

You won't believe this.

They were using half-inch pipe.

No! Yeah.

I mean, with that
kind of water pressure,

you need at least a
three-quarter-inch pipe.

Believe me, after that, they looked
at Stanley Roper with respect.

Well, of course they
would. You betcha.

Hi, Chrissy. Hi, Janet. Hi.

Hi. Hi, Mrs. Rope... Wait!

Hey, Mrs. Roper, why don't
you join me over here at the bar.

No, that's okay. We'll
just sit over here. Oh, no!

This table... well, it's
reserved. Reserved? Who for?

Huh? Huh? [ Laughing
] Oh, that's beautiful!

Poor Mrs. Roper. Well, why'd
you have to bring her here?

I thought you were gonna stay
home and eat that dinner I left for you.

Ew. No way. Besides, I
never had sweetbreads before.

And I've never had brains.

Listen. I think you better go over there
and tell Mr. Roper that his wife saw him.

You want me to tell that to a
man with a heart condition?

[ Gasps ] I didn't know
he had a heart condition.

He will when I tell him.

Mr. Roper has gotta know that
his wife saw him. He's gotta be told.

I think you're right.
Go ahead and tell him.

Us? Why don't you go tell him?

Because I have to stay here and
mix a couple of drinks. For who?

For me. I wanna be ready
when the screaming starts.

Listen, Jack... Come on, Janet.

We'll do it. We're
not afraid, are we?


Mr. Roper! Yeah?

Janet has something
she wants to tell you.

No. No, no, no, no,
no, no... Tell him, Janet.

Hi. Uh, Mr. Roper,

uh, could we talk to
you for just a minute?

It's very... Would
you move? Important.

You have to excuse me for
being so popular. I'll be right back.

[ Indistinct Arguing ]

All right. What's so
important? Tell him!

Um... Well,

your wife was just
here, and she saw you.

I think you better
tell him again. Yeah.

Mr. Roper, your wife was just in
here, and she saw you with that girl.

Can you have a
smiling heart attack?

Mr. Roper, I don't think... Tell me again
about how she came in and saw me.

Yeah, yeah, she saw you,
the kissing and everything.

Oh, that's good!
That's very good!

Uh, listen, Joanie. There's
something I want to tell you...

that I didn't tell you before.

But, uh, don't take
it hard, huh, kid?

You mean you lied
about your half-inch pipe?

No. I... I wouldn't
lie about that.

What a relief.

There's no easy way to tell you,
so I'll just come right out with it.

But you gotta promise
me something... no tears.

Oh, I promise.

It's all over between us.


You promised no tears.
Oh, I'm smiling. See?

Well, what I didn't tell you
was, I'm a married man.

No kidding!

Aw, don't take it so hard.

You're young. I mean, there's
lots more pebbles in the ocean.

Just... try to act as
though I never existed.

I'll do my best.

I'll see you around, sweetheart.

- Good night, kids.
- You two-timer.


Jack, after what I
just went through,

that dinner better be good.

I got it fine. Thank you.

Isn't he cute?

He can make me do almost
anything. Oh, get outta here.

Good night.

Why do you have to take her to
dinner? You know what time it is?

It's time for The Regal
Beagle sing-along! Jack, listen!

A free drink to the best voice. ♪
I've been working on the railroad ♪

[ Jack, Chrissy ] ♪ All the live-long
day ♪ ♪ Whoo, whoo, whoo ♪

Stop it!

You don't like that
song? I got another one.

[ Jack, Chrissy ] ♪ Alouette gentille
Alouette, Alouette ♪ Okay, stop.

♪ Je te plumerai... ♪♪
Stop it. Stop it!

Janet. What?

I like that song.

Chrissy, don't you understand?

Jack is the one who got that
girl together with Mr. Roper.

Aw, Jack. Did you?

The man came in here feeling
depressed. He was really down.

He said he wasn't attractive to
women, so I asked Joan to be nice to him.

- Well, that was
very thoughtful of you.
- I thought you'd understand.

Right. Now all you have to do is
make Mrs. Roper understand. Come on.

Are you kidding? I can't leave
my post. I promised Steve I'd stay...

Well, I finally made it.
I'm sorry I took so long.

Oh, hi, Steve. Hi, girls.

[ Together ] Hi. Jack, thanks
for covering for me, huh?

You can take off now. No, no. I'll stay
and wash the glasses while you mix drinks.

Oh, look, Jack! What?

Get him, Chrissy!

They're very attached to me.

Hello, Helen.

Hello, Stanley.

How are ya?

Oh, fine. Just fine.

You are?

You better wash your face.
You got some ketchup on it.

Ketchup? It's not
ketchup! It's lipstick!

Lipstick, from kissing!

All right, it's
lipstick from kissing.

You better wash it off.

Helen, I was down at The
Beagle with a girl, a pretty girl!

And you saw me, and I know you saw
me because the girls told me you saw me!

Oh, Stanley!

I saw you. I admit it.

And you knew I saw you, but
that wasn't enough for you, was it?

No, you had to make
me admit it out loud!

You had to rub my nose in it!

All right, you found a
young, pretty girl? Go to her!

Helen, you don't understand.

I just wanted to prove that another woman
would find me attractive, and I proved it.

All right, you proved it!

So go to her! I
hope you'll be happy!

I don't wanna be happy!
I wanna be with you.


Oh! Where you going?

Anyplace you're not!

Mrs. Roper! Would you wait a
minute, please! [ Chrissy Gasps ]

Oh, my God, we're too
late! She's done it! Oh, no!

- What's she talking about?
- I think it's about
that knife in your hand.

I was cutting some fruit.

[ Sighs ] Oh.

I thought it was Mr. Roper.

No, it was just an apple,
but I like your idea better.

No, wait! Jack, tell her quick.

She's got a knife
in her hand. Tell her!

Tell me? What? What? Mrs. Roper?

Uh, excuse me.

You know that girl you
saw Mr. Roper with tonight?

Well, she was being nice to
him because I asked her to.

What? Yes. See, I put
her up to it. It's all my fault.

Oh, Jack!

Oh! [ Laughing ]

It's so good to be back
in the driver's seat again.

[ Singsong Voice ] Stanley.

I wanna talk to you.

Hold it. I'll do the
talkin'. Sit down.

Look, Stan... Sit!

Yes, Stanley?

There's a few things I want
to straighten out with you.

When I went down to The
Beagle, I felt like a nothin',

but I learned something.

I learned that other women
find me attractive, very attractive.

Maybe I shouldn't
have been with her.

But what's a man to do when a
beautiful girl climbs all over him?

Now I know what guys like
Paul Newman have to put up with.

Paul Newman?

Yeah. Poor guy. He's got
the same problem I have.

Well, all I can say is,

from now on, for your sake,

I'll just try not to
be so... fascinating.


Would you like me to fix you...

a nice, hot cup of cocoa?



Wait a minute. I'm going to bed.

Well, isn't it a little early?

Well, if, uh... If you
care to join me...

[ Snaps Fingers ]

Oh, Mr. Newman!

Oh, gee whiz, I'm so hungry.

I wish Jack weren't taking this
bartending practicing so seriously.

He's been in that kitchen for
hours, practicing making drinks.

He doesn't wanna make
any mistakes the next time.

Yeah, but enough is
enough. I'm really starving.

Hey, Jack! Jack, listen. Could
you come out here for just a second?

You've been in that kitchen for hours.
Haven't you learned anything yet?

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