Three's Company (1976–1984): Season 2, Episode 13 - Helen's Job - full transcript
When Mrs. Roper asks Mr. Roper for more spending money he refuses. He suggests she get a job. She talks to Jack and the girls. And Janet says she knows of a job but Jack tells her to butt out. She calls and gets Mrs. Roper the job. When Mr. Roper learns of this he dares her to take it and she does. Only she comes home a mess and decides to swallow her pride. But Jack decides to make Roper think she likes it and that she won't be around that much. At first thinks it's great but Helen comes up with a plan of her.
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪
♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Three is company too ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪
Stanley, why don't you put the salt
and pepper and ketchup on your eggs...
all at once instead
of piece by piece?
Because if I put it on all at
once, I might miss a few spots.
See, I might have some pieces with too
much salt and not enough ketchup or pepper.
Or, some with too much pepper
and not enough ketchup or salt.
Or, some with just enough salt,
but too much ketchup or pepper.
Or, some with too much salt and
too much ketchup... All right. All right.
I'm sorry I asked.
You shouldn't be. It was
a very good question.
You know, Stanley,
I'm still waiting for you...
to say something about the
new nightgown I wore last night.
Didn't you think it was sexy?
Please, Helen,
not while I'm eating.
Or while you're sleeping
or while you're working...
or while you're
standing or sitting...
Can we please talk about
something else? All right.
I want a raise in my allowance.
Your nightgown's very nice.
Stanley, I asked you
about my allowance.
You wanna pass me the hotcakes?
You wanna talk
about my allowance?
First things first. First,
pass me the hotcakes.
Then we'll talk
about your allowance.
All right. Thank you.
Now can we talk about
my allowance? Sure.
Can I have a raise? No.
No? That's right.
Where's the syrup?
There isn't any.
I can't eat hotcakes
without any syrup.
And I can't shop
without enough money.
I give you enough money.
For 1967, it was enough money.
Well, you gotta be more
careful when you shop.
You gotta cut back on
the unimportant things.
- Like what?
- Like yogurt.
I love yogurt!
I hate it. And what about
all that tuna fish you buy?
- That's my favorite lunch.
- I never touch it.
All right. You wanna cut back?
I'll stop buying all that
cocoa. Not my cocoa!
No, no. I need my cocoa. I
can't sleep without my cocoa.
Then you should've
married your cocoa! Helen.
You're askin' for it. All I'm
asking for is another $20 a week.
You wouldn't even miss it.
Helen, I'm not an
unreasonable man.
If you want some more money
for something, just ask me.
Stanley, don't you understand? I
don't wanna be treated like a child...
and have to come begging
every time I want a quarter.
A quarter is no problem.
I want my own money
to spend the way I want.
It is not your money.
It is my money...
which I give to you.
That's a terrible thing to say.
That's the way it is. You
can't do anything about it.
Oh, yes, I can.
What?
I don't know, but I'll
think of something.
I'll-I'll... I know.
I'll get a job.
That's what I'll do. What?
You get a job? What can you do?
I can do lots of
things. I worked before.
When I was a girl, I used
to work for the post office.
Well, times have changed
since the Pony Express.
Listen, Stanley, you
keep talking like that...
and I really will go
out and get a job.
No, you won't. You
love being a housewife.
A homemaker.
What's the difference?
There's a lot of difference. A
housewife makes a woman...
sound like she's her
husband's possession.
His sexual toy.
Well, I don't blame you for
not wanting to be one of those.
I'd love it.
Mmm. Boy, what a great
breakfast. Thanks, Jack.
Mmm, yeah. I love eggs Benedict.
Hey, I wonder how it got its name.
Maybe it was named after
the first hen that laid them.
Uh, no, Chrissy. It was probably
named after the chef who first made it.
There was a chef named
Eggs Benedict? [ Coughing ]
[ Doorbell Rings ] I'll get it.
Would you like some more
coffee, Chrissy? No, thanks.
I don't wanna be that
wide awake for work.
Oh. Hi, Mrs. Roper.
Good morning, Janet.
Come in. Come in.
I was just won... Oh! Oh, hey, wait a
minute. Something smells delicious.
Oh, yeah. Jack's
breakfast. Eggs Benedict.
Oh, yeah. You know, I made that for
Stanley once, but he didn't care for it.
He didn't? No.
He said he hated to eat anything
that was staring back at him.
Something we can
do for you, Mrs. Roper?
Oh, yeah, I just wondered if I
could borrow some maple syrup.
Oh, sure. I'll get
it for you. Thanks.
Oh, you know, I just
said the stupidest thing.
Oh, asking for maple
syrup isn't stupid.
Is it? Oh, no.
I meant downstairs. I was asking
Stanley to raise my allowance.
And he said, "No,"
and I got mad and said...
I was gonna go
out and get a job.
Hey, good for you.
- That's terrific.
- What's terrific?
Mrs. Roper's gonna
get a job. Isn't that great?
Oh, no, I'm not. And it's
terrible. I don't want a job.
I'm just so thankful that
he didn't take me seriously.
Oh, thanks for the maple
syrup. Wait a minute, Mrs. Roper.
Why don't you have a little seat here for a
minute? How come you don't want a job?
Because I don't
wanna go to work.
I-I-I enjoy staying home...
just, uh, you know,
puttering around the house,
working in the garden,
going shopping...
Begging your husband
for more money.
Oh, I can get
around him on that.
I know a few tricks. Well,
yeah, but that's demeaning.
Hey, now, hold it,
girls. Don't call us "girls."
Yeah. We're women.
Okay, hold it, women.
You know, if Mrs. Roper doesn't
want a job, I don't think it's...
Jack, would you please just
stay out of this? Now, Mrs. Roper,
a job could really
be wonderful for you.
- It could change
your whole life.
- How?
You wouldn't have to depend
on Mr. Roper for anything.
That's the way it is now.
Wouldn't you rather be
independent and be your own person?
Look, fellas. Hey! Quit pulling!
What are you trying
to do? [ Scoffs ]
We're just trying to help Mrs.
Roper expand her horizons.
I thought we were trying
to help her find a job.
Do you girls know
anything about marriage?
Certainly. It's when a
boy and a girl fall in love...
and live happily ever after,
and everything they do is legal.
That's a fairy tale.
That's for children.
That's right. If they want
children, they can have them too.
Janet, what I'm trying to...
Jack, look. All we're trying to do...
is tell Mrs. Roper that this is
the day of equal rights for women.
A woman has a right
to make her own life...
To go out in the world and
make something of herself.
But, Janet, what about a woman's
right to be a homemaker if she wants to?
Isn't that an equal right too?
She's got a point there.
- Whose side are you on?
- I don't know.
Janet, all I'm saying is that
it's none of our business.
It's not your business,
it's not your business.
It's certainly none of my business,
so I'm gonna keep my nose out of it.
That's a good idea,
Jack. Thank you.
Now I can talk to Mrs. Roper
without being interrupted.
Mrs. Roper, it
just happens that...
the cafeteria next to the flower
shop needs a new cashier.
Why don't I go call the manager?
He's a good friend of mine.
No, no, no! Janet, I told
you I don't want a job!
Janet, did you
hear what she said?
Yes, I heard what she said. And
you said it was none of your business.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.
Where'd you go for the
maple syrup, Vermont?
Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley. We
just got to talking, and... Talking?
While I sat downstairs and
watched my hotcakes get cold.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
What were you talking about?
About Mrs. Roper getting a job.
Are you choking, Stanley? No.
No, I'm laughing. I mean, you
working? That's really funny.
What do you mean? I
could get a job if I wanted to.
Hold it, hold it. You're starting
to make me laugh again.
Mr. Roper, if I were you, I'd
drop the subject. You see...
Jack, will you just stay out
of this? I got enough trouble...
arguing with one woman.
Okay, you're on your own.
Mrs. Roper, good news.
I just spoke to my friend, and
I talked him into trying you out.
He says the cashier's
job is yours if you want it.
Why don't you at least check
it out? Here's the address.
She doesn't want a job.
If you don't mind, Stanley,
I can speak for myself.
Fair enough. You tell
her you don't want it.
If I wanted to take
that job, I would.
Over my dead body, you would.
You just made me
an offer I can't refuse.
[ Doorbell Rings ] Come
in. The door's open.
Hi, Jack. I hope I didn't
catch you at a bad time.
Uh, well, I got three
things cooking on the stove,
I'm waiting for my bread to
rise, and I'm making a cake.
Oh, good. I was
afraid you were busy.
Something I can do
for you, Mr. Roper?
Yeah. You know, I'm not the kind
of guy to go around borrowing things.
You know, my wife went
to work today, and I...
You wanna borrow a wife?
Look, would you
mind doing me a favor?
Do me a favor, would you? Once you start
beating this, you're not supposed to stop.
Would you mind?
A little faster.
Just, uh... Just keep beating
that until it's nice and fluffy.
What is this we're making?
It's a lemon swirl pound cake.
Oh, it sounds
delicious. You hungry?
No. I had a great
lunch. I made it myself.
- Oh, really? What'd you have?
- Peanut butter sandwich.
Well, we must exchange
recipes sometime.
There's nothin' to it. All you
need are two pieces of bread,
some peanut butter and a knife.
Gee, I wish I had
time to write that down.
Boy, what do they teach
you guys at cooking school?
Okay, that's fine. I'll
take over now, thank you.
So, how's your day
been without Mrs. Roper?
Oh, nice and quiet.
Like, when I'm reading, nobody
barges into the bathroom and disturbs me.
You're doing okay then?
Yeah, terrific. As a matter of
fact, I could do whatever I want.
Like, right now, I'm going down
to the Regal Beagle and just relax.
Boy, I tell ya, Jack,
I'm-I'm just fine.
This guy is doing just fine.
Mmm. This is good. Want a taste?
Mr. Roper, wasn't there something
you came up here to borrow?
Oh, yeah. You wouldn't happen to
have a jar of peanut butter, would you?
Oh. Sorry. I never use it. I hate the way
it sticks to the roof of the refrigerator.
I'm doin' just fine,
girls. Just fine.
What was that all about?
I guess he's found out he
doesn't need his wife anymore.
You see, I told you what would
happen if you insisted on meddling.
Oh, Jack, don't exaggerate.
What Mrs. Roper is doing will
probably really help their marriage.
[ Doorbell Rings ] That's right. I
mean, next time we see Mrs. Roper,
she'll be a whole
new different woman.
Did you have a nice
day, Mrs. Roper?
Mrs. Roper, you
look so... Different.
What-What happened?
Did you ever see the
movie Earthquake?
The cafeteria was like that?
Only after it quieted down...
when the rush hour was over.
Oh, well, a lot of people have
trouble their first day at work.
Correction... Last day at work.
Oh, you're not thinking
of quitting, are you?
Let me put it this way: yes.
But you can't quit after just
one day. You can do that job.
Oh, I can do the job.
I just don't want it.
You know the nicest thing
that happened to me today?
Somebody gave me a free lunch.
Well, that was nice.
Yeah, they dumped
it all over my dress.
Pea soup. Well,
accidents do happen.
Yeah, maybe he didn't see you.
I don't think he
could see anything.
It's the first restaurant
I've ever been in...
where the customers sip their
coffee from brown paper bags.
What are you
gonna tell Mr. Roper?
I think I'll get down on my
knees and beg his forgiveness.
Oh. Well, then he'll
say, "I told you so."
Oh, yeah. Oh, you're right.
Oh, every day for
the rest of my life,
"I told you so, Helen."
Oh. I can't go back to Stanley.
I can't go back to work.
What am I gonna do?
Well, maybe if you...
Hold it. Just hold it.
Now, if you girls are through
meddling, I'll take over.
Mrs. Roper, this is
what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go downstairs and change
your dress, freshen up, and come back here.
And when I bring Mr. Roper
back from the Regal Beagle,
you will tell him what a beautiful,
glorious, successful day you had at work.
And while I'm at it, why
don't I also tell him...
that I met Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny?
Trust me.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes, you've got the most
important job of all.
- What's that?
- In 30 minutes, turn off
the oven and take my cake out.
Jack, wait a minute. Wait, wait.
What are you gonna do?
Well, what do you do...
when you put a crooked screw into
the wall and you wanna take it out?
You unscrew it? That's right.
So I'm going to unscrew what
the two of you just screwed up.
You want another beer? Why
would she wanna take a job?
I don't know. Some women
like to get out of the house.
But why Helen? I mean,
I'm home with her all day.
You want another beer?
No, thanks, I had enough. Oh, Mr. Roper,
I found you. I got something to tell you.
After all, we men have to
stick together, you know.
You want a beer, Jack?
No, thanks. That's fine.
I just saw Mrs. Roper.
Big trouble. Big trouble.
That's my wife. No, no, you
don't understand what I mean.
She's only been on the job one day,
and already there's this big change.
Big change? Well, yeah.
She's talking about a new purpose
in life, a new sense of freedom.
She sounds full of confidence.
There's a-a glow about her.
Yeah. She's been
having those flashes lately.
It's probably from meeting all those
new men at work. Men? Men? What men?
Well, but then, you know,
Mrs. Roper isn't the type...
to be taken in by good looks
and flashy clothes, is she?
Of course she is. Why do you
think she picked me? [ Clears Throat ]
Well, it's a shame losing
your wife over a few dollars.
I haven't lost my
wife. Maybe not.
But if I were
you... And I'm not...
[ Together ] Thank God.
If I were you, I'd go home and
talk to her before it's too late.
Too late? What do
you mean, too late?
She was talking about this guy who
was asking her for a date. Guy? A date?
Yeah, right. With Helen?
Sure. My Helen?
Right. Oh, my God!
I had to change
right down to my skin.
I think that soup was
made with sulfuric acid.
I guess you wouldn't wanna give the
restaurant another shot, would you?
Oh, I'd love to, right
between the owner's eyes.
Jack? Are you all right? [
Panting ] I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Where's Mr. Roper?
- He's c... He's... I-I...
[ High-pitched Voice ] I had to run to
get here ahead of him so we could really...
Jack? Jack, is everything okay?
Everything's perfect. Mrs. Roper,
he's gonna beg you to come back.
Oh! Thank you, Jack!
But you gotta tell him you love the
job and you don't wanna give it up.
But I do wanna
give... give it...
all-all my time.
It's such a lovely
place to work.
Oh, hello, Stanley. Hello.
Why'd you run past me like that?
Oh, I-I-I just remembered, I
hadn't had my daily jog yet.
I didn't think you guys
ran. I thought you all flew.
Your mind is really brimming
with meretricious fallacies, isn't it?
I try to think so. Yeah.
Now, Helen, about your job.
Yes, Mr. Roper, she's loving
that job. She had a wonderful day.
- She did?
- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Fantastic day.
- You did?
[ Chuckling ] [
Chuckling ] Oh, yes.
It was a day, all
right. Quite a day.
And a nice man even
insisted on giving her his lunch.
A nice man?
Helen, listen,
I've been thinking.
Maybe I've been wrong about
your housekeeping money.
- Oh, really, Stanley?
- Oh, you sure were wrong.
Why, Mrs. Roper's doing so well,
her boss is gonna give her a raise.
She's gonna get $150 a week.
Oh, Stanley, you
were saying that...
- $150 a week?
- That's right.
Stanley, you were saying that
you thought maybe you were wrong.
There's no maybes
about it. I was wrong.
Oh, thank you, Stanley.
Helen, that money'll
come in handy.
I mean, you can't
give up a job like that.
But, Stanley... Come on, Helen.
Where are you going?
Downstairs to wait for my dinner.
Oh! Now I'm right
back where I started!
- Mrs. Roper, I'm really sorry.
- I have an idea. What if we...
Chrissy, please! If I need any more
bad ideas, I'll think of 'em myself.
I'm so sorry about
all this, Mrs. Roper.
I can't stand to see you beaten.
Beaten? Oh, hey,
I'm not beaten, Janet.
He may have won the battle,
but I'm gonna win the war.
Yeah! Bring our boys home now!
What?
Helen, where's my
dinner? I'm starved.
I'm so glad, Stanley,
because tonight we're
having your favorite...
Peanut butter.
I want something hot. Then
why don't you put it on the stove?
Or maybe you
oughta start eating out.
Eating out? Eating
out costs a fortune.
Yes, it'll... it'll use up all
that money I'll be making.
Wait a minute. All
that money? Sure.
Eating out at all those
fabulous restaurants every night.
Wait a minute. Forget
those fabulous restaurants.
I want you right here. You do?
Sure. I want my wife at home...
cooking and cleaning
and doing the laundry.
Do you know what
you're saying, Stanley?
Sure. I don't want
my wife to work.
And what about the
housekeeping money?
I'll-I'll give you the $20.
Thank you, Stanley.
It's all right.
Of course, I'll still expect you
to help me out around the house.
- What?
- But I'll repay you.
How could you possibly repay me?
I'll give you a hint.
It'll keep you off your feet.
Oh. Oh.
What are you two so down about?
We nearly loused up
Mrs. Roper's entire life.
Yeah. I feel so dumb.
Oh, come on. She called
and said everything's okay now.
So cheer up. Well...
Hey, I got something that'll
make you guys feel better.
I learned it from a friend
who studied with a swami.
It's guaranteed to drive your blues
away and get you laughing again.
All right, now, pick
up your milk. Let's go.
Come on, Janet. Pick
up your milk. Okay.
All right. Now, repeat after me.
Sadness depart, leave
gladness in my heart. Say that.
[ All Together ] Sadness depart,
leave gladness in my heart.
Now, drink your milk, but only drink
your milk from this side of the glass.
Never drink it from
this side of the glass.
- Why can't you drink
from that side?
- If you drink from this side,
you'll spill it all
over yourself.
See, I told you it
would make you laugh!
[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...
in front of a studio audience.
Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles
♪ Come and knock on our door ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ We've been waitin' for you ♪
♪ Where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Come and dance on our floor ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ Take a step that is new ♪
♪ We've a lovable space
that needs your face ♪
♪ Three's company too ♪
♪ You'll see that
life is a ball again ♪
♪ Laughter is calling for you ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous ♪
♪ Three is company too ♪
♪ Down at our rendezvous
Three is company too ♪♪
Stanley, why don't you put the salt
and pepper and ketchup on your eggs...
all at once instead
of piece by piece?
Because if I put it on all at
once, I might miss a few spots.
See, I might have some pieces with too
much salt and not enough ketchup or pepper.
Or, some with too much pepper
and not enough ketchup or salt.
Or, some with just enough salt,
but too much ketchup or pepper.
Or, some with too much salt and
too much ketchup... All right. All right.
I'm sorry I asked.
You shouldn't be. It was
a very good question.
You know, Stanley,
I'm still waiting for you...
to say something about the
new nightgown I wore last night.
Didn't you think it was sexy?
Please, Helen,
not while I'm eating.
Or while you're sleeping
or while you're working...
or while you're
standing or sitting...
Can we please talk about
something else? All right.
I want a raise in my allowance.
Your nightgown's very nice.
Stanley, I asked you
about my allowance.
You wanna pass me the hotcakes?
You wanna talk
about my allowance?
First things first. First,
pass me the hotcakes.
Then we'll talk
about your allowance.
All right. Thank you.
Now can we talk about
my allowance? Sure.
Can I have a raise? No.
No? That's right.
Where's the syrup?
There isn't any.
I can't eat hotcakes
without any syrup.
And I can't shop
without enough money.
I give you enough money.
For 1967, it was enough money.
Well, you gotta be more
careful when you shop.
You gotta cut back on
the unimportant things.
- Like what?
- Like yogurt.
I love yogurt!
I hate it. And what about
all that tuna fish you buy?
- That's my favorite lunch.
- I never touch it.
All right. You wanna cut back?
I'll stop buying all that
cocoa. Not my cocoa!
No, no. I need my cocoa. I
can't sleep without my cocoa.
Then you should've
married your cocoa! Helen.
You're askin' for it. All I'm
asking for is another $20 a week.
You wouldn't even miss it.
Helen, I'm not an
unreasonable man.
If you want some more money
for something, just ask me.
Stanley, don't you understand? I
don't wanna be treated like a child...
and have to come begging
every time I want a quarter.
A quarter is no problem.
I want my own money
to spend the way I want.
It is not your money.
It is my money...
which I give to you.
That's a terrible thing to say.
That's the way it is. You
can't do anything about it.
Oh, yes, I can.
What?
I don't know, but I'll
think of something.
I'll-I'll... I know.
I'll get a job.
That's what I'll do. What?
You get a job? What can you do?
I can do lots of
things. I worked before.
When I was a girl, I used
to work for the post office.
Well, times have changed
since the Pony Express.
Listen, Stanley, you
keep talking like that...
and I really will go
out and get a job.
No, you won't. You
love being a housewife.
A homemaker.
What's the difference?
There's a lot of difference. A
housewife makes a woman...
sound like she's her
husband's possession.
His sexual toy.
Well, I don't blame you for
not wanting to be one of those.
I'd love it.
Mmm. Boy, what a great
breakfast. Thanks, Jack.
Mmm, yeah. I love eggs Benedict.
Hey, I wonder how it got its name.
Maybe it was named after
the first hen that laid them.
Uh, no, Chrissy. It was probably
named after the chef who first made it.
There was a chef named
Eggs Benedict? [ Coughing ]
[ Doorbell Rings ] I'll get it.
Would you like some more
coffee, Chrissy? No, thanks.
I don't wanna be that
wide awake for work.
Oh. Hi, Mrs. Roper.
Good morning, Janet.
Come in. Come in.
I was just won... Oh! Oh, hey, wait a
minute. Something smells delicious.
Oh, yeah. Jack's
breakfast. Eggs Benedict.
Oh, yeah. You know, I made that for
Stanley once, but he didn't care for it.
He didn't? No.
He said he hated to eat anything
that was staring back at him.
Something we can
do for you, Mrs. Roper?
Oh, yeah, I just wondered if I
could borrow some maple syrup.
Oh, sure. I'll get
it for you. Thanks.
Oh, you know, I just
said the stupidest thing.
Oh, asking for maple
syrup isn't stupid.
Is it? Oh, no.
I meant downstairs. I was asking
Stanley to raise my allowance.
And he said, "No,"
and I got mad and said...
I was gonna go
out and get a job.
Hey, good for you.
- That's terrific.
- What's terrific?
Mrs. Roper's gonna
get a job. Isn't that great?
Oh, no, I'm not. And it's
terrible. I don't want a job.
I'm just so thankful that
he didn't take me seriously.
Oh, thanks for the maple
syrup. Wait a minute, Mrs. Roper.
Why don't you have a little seat here for a
minute? How come you don't want a job?
Because I don't
wanna go to work.
I-I-I enjoy staying home...
just, uh, you know,
puttering around the house,
working in the garden,
going shopping...
Begging your husband
for more money.
Oh, I can get
around him on that.
I know a few tricks. Well,
yeah, but that's demeaning.
Hey, now, hold it,
girls. Don't call us "girls."
Yeah. We're women.
Okay, hold it, women.
You know, if Mrs. Roper doesn't
want a job, I don't think it's...
Jack, would you please just
stay out of this? Now, Mrs. Roper,
a job could really
be wonderful for you.
- It could change
your whole life.
- How?
You wouldn't have to depend
on Mr. Roper for anything.
That's the way it is now.
Wouldn't you rather be
independent and be your own person?
Look, fellas. Hey! Quit pulling!
What are you trying
to do? [ Scoffs ]
We're just trying to help Mrs.
Roper expand her horizons.
I thought we were trying
to help her find a job.
Do you girls know
anything about marriage?
Certainly. It's when a
boy and a girl fall in love...
and live happily ever after,
and everything they do is legal.
That's a fairy tale.
That's for children.
That's right. If they want
children, they can have them too.
Janet, what I'm trying to...
Jack, look. All we're trying to do...
is tell Mrs. Roper that this is
the day of equal rights for women.
A woman has a right
to make her own life...
To go out in the world and
make something of herself.
But, Janet, what about a woman's
right to be a homemaker if she wants to?
Isn't that an equal right too?
She's got a point there.
- Whose side are you on?
- I don't know.
Janet, all I'm saying is that
it's none of our business.
It's not your business,
it's not your business.
It's certainly none of my business,
so I'm gonna keep my nose out of it.
That's a good idea,
Jack. Thank you.
Now I can talk to Mrs. Roper
without being interrupted.
Mrs. Roper, it
just happens that...
the cafeteria next to the flower
shop needs a new cashier.
Why don't I go call the manager?
He's a good friend of mine.
No, no, no! Janet, I told
you I don't want a job!
Janet, did you
hear what she said?
Yes, I heard what she said. And
you said it was none of your business.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
Oh, hi, Mr. Roper.
Where'd you go for the
maple syrup, Vermont?
Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley. We
just got to talking, and... Talking?
While I sat downstairs and
watched my hotcakes get cold.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
What were you talking about?
About Mrs. Roper getting a job.
Are you choking, Stanley? No.
No, I'm laughing. I mean, you
working? That's really funny.
What do you mean? I
could get a job if I wanted to.
Hold it, hold it. You're starting
to make me laugh again.
Mr. Roper, if I were you, I'd
drop the subject. You see...
Jack, will you just stay out
of this? I got enough trouble...
arguing with one woman.
Okay, you're on your own.
Mrs. Roper, good news.
I just spoke to my friend, and
I talked him into trying you out.
He says the cashier's
job is yours if you want it.
Why don't you at least check
it out? Here's the address.
She doesn't want a job.
If you don't mind, Stanley,
I can speak for myself.
Fair enough. You tell
her you don't want it.
If I wanted to take
that job, I would.
Over my dead body, you would.
You just made me
an offer I can't refuse.
[ Doorbell Rings ] Come
in. The door's open.
Hi, Jack. I hope I didn't
catch you at a bad time.
Uh, well, I got three
things cooking on the stove,
I'm waiting for my bread to
rise, and I'm making a cake.
Oh, good. I was
afraid you were busy.
Something I can do
for you, Mr. Roper?
Yeah. You know, I'm not the kind
of guy to go around borrowing things.
You know, my wife went
to work today, and I...
You wanna borrow a wife?
Look, would you
mind doing me a favor?
Do me a favor, would you? Once you start
beating this, you're not supposed to stop.
Would you mind?
A little faster.
Just, uh... Just keep beating
that until it's nice and fluffy.
What is this we're making?
It's a lemon swirl pound cake.
Oh, it sounds
delicious. You hungry?
No. I had a great
lunch. I made it myself.
- Oh, really? What'd you have?
- Peanut butter sandwich.
Well, we must exchange
recipes sometime.
There's nothin' to it. All you
need are two pieces of bread,
some peanut butter and a knife.
Gee, I wish I had
time to write that down.
Boy, what do they teach
you guys at cooking school?
Okay, that's fine. I'll
take over now, thank you.
So, how's your day
been without Mrs. Roper?
Oh, nice and quiet.
Like, when I'm reading, nobody
barges into the bathroom and disturbs me.
You're doing okay then?
Yeah, terrific. As a matter of
fact, I could do whatever I want.
Like, right now, I'm going down
to the Regal Beagle and just relax.
Boy, I tell ya, Jack,
I'm-I'm just fine.
This guy is doing just fine.
Mmm. This is good. Want a taste?
Mr. Roper, wasn't there something
you came up here to borrow?
Oh, yeah. You wouldn't happen to
have a jar of peanut butter, would you?
Oh. Sorry. I never use it. I hate the way
it sticks to the roof of the refrigerator.
I'm doin' just fine,
girls. Just fine.
What was that all about?
I guess he's found out he
doesn't need his wife anymore.
You see, I told you what would
happen if you insisted on meddling.
Oh, Jack, don't exaggerate.
What Mrs. Roper is doing will
probably really help their marriage.
[ Doorbell Rings ] That's right. I
mean, next time we see Mrs. Roper,
she'll be a whole
new different woman.
Did you have a nice
day, Mrs. Roper?
Mrs. Roper, you
look so... Different.
What-What happened?
Did you ever see the
movie Earthquake?
The cafeteria was like that?
Only after it quieted down...
when the rush hour was over.
Oh, well, a lot of people have
trouble their first day at work.
Correction... Last day at work.
Oh, you're not thinking
of quitting, are you?
Let me put it this way: yes.
But you can't quit after just
one day. You can do that job.
Oh, I can do the job.
I just don't want it.
You know the nicest thing
that happened to me today?
Somebody gave me a free lunch.
Well, that was nice.
Yeah, they dumped
it all over my dress.
Pea soup. Well,
accidents do happen.
Yeah, maybe he didn't see you.
I don't think he
could see anything.
It's the first restaurant
I've ever been in...
where the customers sip their
coffee from brown paper bags.
What are you
gonna tell Mr. Roper?
I think I'll get down on my
knees and beg his forgiveness.
Oh. Well, then he'll
say, "I told you so."
Oh, yeah. Oh, you're right.
Oh, every day for
the rest of my life,
"I told you so, Helen."
Oh. I can't go back to Stanley.
I can't go back to work.
What am I gonna do?
Well, maybe if you...
Hold it. Just hold it.
Now, if you girls are through
meddling, I'll take over.
Mrs. Roper, this is
what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go downstairs and change
your dress, freshen up, and come back here.
And when I bring Mr. Roper
back from the Regal Beagle,
you will tell him what a beautiful,
glorious, successful day you had at work.
And while I'm at it, why
don't I also tell him...
that I met Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny?
Trust me.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes, you've got the most
important job of all.
- What's that?
- In 30 minutes, turn off
the oven and take my cake out.
Jack, wait a minute. Wait, wait.
What are you gonna do?
Well, what do you do...
when you put a crooked screw into
the wall and you wanna take it out?
You unscrew it? That's right.
So I'm going to unscrew what
the two of you just screwed up.
You want another beer? Why
would she wanna take a job?
I don't know. Some women
like to get out of the house.
But why Helen? I mean,
I'm home with her all day.
You want another beer?
No, thanks, I had enough. Oh, Mr. Roper,
I found you. I got something to tell you.
After all, we men have to
stick together, you know.
You want a beer, Jack?
No, thanks. That's fine.
I just saw Mrs. Roper.
Big trouble. Big trouble.
That's my wife. No, no, you
don't understand what I mean.
She's only been on the job one day,
and already there's this big change.
Big change? Well, yeah.
She's talking about a new purpose
in life, a new sense of freedom.
She sounds full of confidence.
There's a-a glow about her.
Yeah. She's been
having those flashes lately.
It's probably from meeting all those
new men at work. Men? Men? What men?
Well, but then, you know,
Mrs. Roper isn't the type...
to be taken in by good looks
and flashy clothes, is she?
Of course she is. Why do you
think she picked me? [ Clears Throat ]
Well, it's a shame losing
your wife over a few dollars.
I haven't lost my
wife. Maybe not.
But if I were
you... And I'm not...
[ Together ] Thank God.
If I were you, I'd go home and
talk to her before it's too late.
Too late? What do
you mean, too late?
She was talking about this guy who
was asking her for a date. Guy? A date?
Yeah, right. With Helen?
Sure. My Helen?
Right. Oh, my God!
I had to change
right down to my skin.
I think that soup was
made with sulfuric acid.
I guess you wouldn't wanna give the
restaurant another shot, would you?
Oh, I'd love to, right
between the owner's eyes.
Jack? Are you all right? [
Panting ] I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
- Where's Mr. Roper?
- He's c... He's... I-I...
[ High-pitched Voice ] I had to run to
get here ahead of him so we could really...
Jack? Jack, is everything okay?
Everything's perfect. Mrs. Roper,
he's gonna beg you to come back.
Oh! Thank you, Jack!
But you gotta tell him you love the
job and you don't wanna give it up.
But I do wanna
give... give it...
all-all my time.
It's such a lovely
place to work.
Oh, hello, Stanley. Hello.
Why'd you run past me like that?
Oh, I-I-I just remembered, I
hadn't had my daily jog yet.
I didn't think you guys
ran. I thought you all flew.
Your mind is really brimming
with meretricious fallacies, isn't it?
I try to think so. Yeah.
Now, Helen, about your job.
Yes, Mr. Roper, she's loving
that job. She had a wonderful day.
- She did?
- [ Mouthing Words ]
- Fantastic day.
- You did?
[ Chuckling ] [
Chuckling ] Oh, yes.
It was a day, all
right. Quite a day.
And a nice man even
insisted on giving her his lunch.
A nice man?
Helen, listen,
I've been thinking.
Maybe I've been wrong about
your housekeeping money.
- Oh, really, Stanley?
- Oh, you sure were wrong.
Why, Mrs. Roper's doing so well,
her boss is gonna give her a raise.
She's gonna get $150 a week.
Oh, Stanley, you
were saying that...
- $150 a week?
- That's right.
Stanley, you were saying that
you thought maybe you were wrong.
There's no maybes
about it. I was wrong.
Oh, thank you, Stanley.
Helen, that money'll
come in handy.
I mean, you can't
give up a job like that.
But, Stanley... Come on, Helen.
Where are you going?
Downstairs to wait for my dinner.
Oh! Now I'm right
back where I started!
- Mrs. Roper, I'm really sorry.
- I have an idea. What if we...
Chrissy, please! If I need any more
bad ideas, I'll think of 'em myself.
I'm so sorry about
all this, Mrs. Roper.
I can't stand to see you beaten.
Beaten? Oh, hey,
I'm not beaten, Janet.
He may have won the battle,
but I'm gonna win the war.
Yeah! Bring our boys home now!
What?
Helen, where's my
dinner? I'm starved.
I'm so glad, Stanley,
because tonight we're
having your favorite...
Peanut butter.
I want something hot. Then
why don't you put it on the stove?
Or maybe you
oughta start eating out.
Eating out? Eating
out costs a fortune.
Yes, it'll... it'll use up all
that money I'll be making.
Wait a minute. All
that money? Sure.
Eating out at all those
fabulous restaurants every night.
Wait a minute. Forget
those fabulous restaurants.
I want you right here. You do?
Sure. I want my wife at home...
cooking and cleaning
and doing the laundry.
Do you know what
you're saying, Stanley?
Sure. I don't want
my wife to work.
And what about the
housekeeping money?
I'll-I'll give you the $20.
Thank you, Stanley.
It's all right.
Of course, I'll still expect you
to help me out around the house.
- What?
- But I'll repay you.
How could you possibly repay me?
I'll give you a hint.
It'll keep you off your feet.
Oh. Oh.
What are you two so down about?
We nearly loused up
Mrs. Roper's entire life.
Yeah. I feel so dumb.
Oh, come on. She called
and said everything's okay now.
So cheer up. Well...
Hey, I got something that'll
make you guys feel better.
I learned it from a friend
who studied with a swami.
It's guaranteed to drive your blues
away and get you laughing again.
All right, now, pick
up your milk. Let's go.
Come on, Janet. Pick
up your milk. Okay.
All right. Now, repeat after me.
Sadness depart, leave
gladness in my heart. Say that.
[ All Together ] Sadness depart,
leave gladness in my heart.
Now, drink your milk, but only drink
your milk from this side of the glass.
Never drink it from
this side of the glass.
- Why can't you drink
from that side?
- If you drink from this side,
you'll spill it all
over yourself.
See, I told you it
would make you laugh!
[ Man ] Three's Company
was videotaped...
in front of a studio audience.
Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc., Los Angeles