Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - A New Dog in the Yard - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

It looks exactly like Quinn.

Yeah, but it says "Happy
Birthday, Cattie."

Well, I can fix that.

No, no, no! What are you doing?!
No, no, no! Dude!

I was gonna eat that.

Sugar!

- Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
- Gross.

Sorry about that.
It's Katarina again.

Oh, yeah. You mean you're
imaginary girlfriend

that no one's ever seen
and probably won't,



- 'cause she's not real?
- She is real.

- He's coming!
- Okay, okay.

- Surprise!
- D Happy birthday! d

d For he's a jolly good fellow d

Whoa. Hey, Quinn. It's
a surprise party.

We're not escorting
you to Con Air.

Oh! No, I was just... I was
looking for a contact.

We were just celebrating
your return.

Oh, look at that.
"Welcome back, Quinn."

Really captured my likeness.

Aw, thank God you're
principal again.

I want to say, it does
feel great to be back,

and I'm looking forward to, uh,

putting all that prison
stuff behind me.



Gets out of prison,

and he wants to put
it all behind him,

- like near his butthole.
- Ugh.

See? He gets...

That was funny, Shoemaker.
Very funny.

Now let's get into a little bit
of the business here today.

All right.

Coach Peters came down with a
strain of listeria, so, uh...

he got them from some Rocky
Mountain Ahi nachos,

so all wrestling
meets are canceled.

Aw, that's a bummer, huh?

That one parent who
occasionally goes

to one of those things is
gonna be mildly irked.

There's plenty to enjoy
about wrestling, like...

that coach from East High.

- Oh, she's horny again.
- That's gross.

You know what? I love wrestling.

Let me do it. I'll coach
wrestling for free.

Well, we've never beaten East
High anyway, so why not?

- Wow, dude.
- Oh. Congratulations, man.

Mmm. Look at this. I have
not had cake in months.

Oh, really?

You didn't get a lot of pound
cake when you were in prison?

As in, in the showers.

That's a lot of fun.
I'll tell you what!

- Oh, geez!
- Aah!

You want to dance, jackrabbit?!

You want to dance with me?!

'Cause I will cut you!

You better watch yourself
in the showers, okay?

What the hell are you doing?

Um...

what, no... no one ever took an
improv class before? I just...

Yes, and I'm gonna
get out of here.

Uh, uh...

That guy's crazy, man!

I'm not gonna shower at school!

You might want to think
about taking a shower

to get that urine off of you.

- Oh.
- Whoopsie-doodle.

Well, this isn't my urine.

You're still actively
peeing right now.

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

- Geoffrey, you got a second?
- Oh, yes, I do.

Come on in, Tammy. What's up?

Are you ready to be back
in the captain's chair?

Yes, I am.

I don't know. You seemed
pretty wound up back there.

That was just a
couple of alpha dogs

nipping at each other's napes.

Now, don't get mad at me, but I
did call that district therapist.

I'm fine, okay? I'm fine.
Look at me.

You know, when I came in here, I
thought I saw you whittling a shank.

You're funny. I want to know if you're
ready to be here whittling a shank.

This is a classic knife
and a toothbrush

and a comically large
toothpick on the bottom

that you can get at
Spencer's Gifts,

and you just get up all in
your mouth like this...

- Aah!
- Ohh!

Mnh! Oh, God.

- I cut my... I cut my ging...
- Oh!

Uh, can I have permission
to use the bathroom?!

No need to ask! No need to ask!

Oh, God!

Tall guy, check.
Short guy, check.

Hey, bud!

Uh, do you mind if I
catch a ride with you

to your meet at East High?

Also... unrelated... is Coach
Donnelly gonna be there?

Probably, right? He's the coach.

And he's gonna be
there, and he's hot.

- Red hair, check.
- Oh, also unrelated...

do you happen to know if Coach
Donnelly's divorce went through?

- I think it did.
- Okay.

Why d...

Do you have a crush
on Joe Donnelly?!

What? No. Who is that?

Oooh!

- No.
- You do!

D Abbey and Joe
sittin' in a tree d

d K-I-S-S-I-S... d

d S-I-P-P-I d

- d In a tree d - Shut up!

God, what were doing?

Was throwing up the "West Side"
symbol necessary? God...

Well, your prostate's
clear, Shoemaker.

However, that's not
the only thing

that causes spontaneous
urination.

Okay. Well, what
else can cause it?

Well, in the medical field, we
call it being a huge pussy.

I'm not a pussy! He
had a knife, man!

It was a cake knife, pussy.

Clearly, I have a medical issue.

Low-T! I bet that's what it is!

I see it on TV all the time.

Now just give me
some supplements,

and I'll get out of here.

Obviously, I can't shoot
you up with hormones

'cause you think you have low-T.

I think we're done here...
pussy.

Listen. I'm sorry, okay?

Now, what can I do
to convince you?

- Of what?
- What do you mean "of what?"

Of what we were
just talking about.

Well, just pretend like I'm a
completely different person

and give me the elevator pitch.

I want you to give me
testosterone injections

so I can be more manly.

And you should have it.
How much cash you got?

Oh, uh, I don't know.
I think like $80?

That's exactly how
much it costs.

Scratch that. I'm sorry. $100.

$100 is exactly how much it
costs for a week's supply,

- which I have right here.
- Oh.

So, here and there,
and I'll take those.

Now, listen, before
you start treatment,

I should warn you, there
are some side effects.

There's oily skin,
breast enlargements...

Unh!

- You're gonna start right away?
- Oh!

Oh, God! That hurt.

I'm telling you, Geoffrey,
you are as taut as a wire.

Too much pressure, and
you're gonna snap.

Tammy, I have seen

over a dozen Ringling
Brothers shows, okay?

Let me tell you something.
Those wires never snap.

Okay? Leave it alone.

- Hey, Loren, you got a second?
- Not now, Tammy.

I got to be at the
mathnasium like yesterday,

or Ethan and Aiden
will be stranded,

and Katarina will have my ass.

I don't have time to talk
about your fake girlfriend!

Do these look fake? Huh? Yeah.

They're like that big.
It's awesome.

Look, Loren, you know Geoffrey
better than anybody else.

I need you to help
me find a subtle way

- to test his stress levels.
- Okay, you got it.

No! What is...

There you go, Tammy.

Let's turn and burn
these bacon bitches!

Stab the first guard you see!

Okay, uh, uh, kids,
back to class!

- Back to class! It's just a drill!
- It's a drill.

- Just a drill.
- Heh.

I know I've been
hiding it pretty well,

but I don't think I'm
readjusting to civilian life.

Oh, Geoffrey, you have not
been hiding it well, Boo.

No, Boo-Boo, no.

It's okay.

Let it out, Boo-Boo.

- I was in prison!
- Oh!

Fairbell, you stink!

Quit cuddling and
wrestle already!

This is so boring!

Well, actually, Coach,
it's pretty exciting.

He's in a Half Nelson right now.

Yeah, and I'm half interested.

Um, why are you guys all
wearing the same costume?

Where are the ringside antics?

Haven't you ever seen wrestling?

C-coach, this isn't the WWE.

Uh, yeah, 'cause
you're doing it wrong.

- That gives me an idea.
- Get up!

Donny, blow this air horn in 10 seconds.
Trust me.

Brett, come with me.

- Whoo!
- What the...?

Someone just got
their Fairbell rung!

Whoa, Ref, Ref. What
the hell was that?!

That's a fair pin. Both
shoulders were down.

Yeah, because my kid
is unconscious.

He got hit with a goddamn chair!

Whoo! Or maybe he just
got his Fairbell rung.

You like that?

I just came up with that...
a little earlier.

Why don't you relax,
Coach Fairbell?

Yeah, well, I'll
relax when I'm dead,

'cause it's about time
you started learning

what Smoot wrestling's
all about.

Oh, really? Like being the
laughingstock of the district?

Not anymore. Now there's
a new dog in the yard.

And this dog bites.

Uh-oh. Whose dog is this?
Nobody knows.

Sorry. He's watched
too much WWE.

He's just trying to trash-talk
you and not very well.

All right, that's enough.

I'm calling this match a draw.

Rematch next Friday, Smoot High.

Or even walking to your car.
Who comes out of the bushes?

It's that dog again.
It's jumping up on you.

All right, let's
dance, little man.

I'll see you at the match
one week from tonight.

Yeah, well, normally,
one week from tonight,

I'd be washing
this pot scrubber,

but I guess I'll be washing
your brains off the mat.

Well, I'm gonna have
my kids with me.

I guess they're gonna see
their daddy kick your ass

while providing a court-ordered
safe and supervised environment!

Bring your kids, 'cause
it's about time they learn

what a bitch dick their dad is!

- Ruff ruff!
- Oh! Oh!

Let's go.

Joe? Uh, Joe?

D Joe d

Joe, J... sorry. Hi!

- I'm Abbey Logan, the school librarian.
- Yeah.

I'm gonna be at your
meet next week,

and, uh, I'm free almost,
um, like every night.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

You looking for something
to do on the weekends

and occasionally at the
last minute on a weekday?

Oh, my God. Yeah.

How do you feel about pizza?

I can eat like five
slices at a time.

Great. You'll hear from me.

What? Yeah!

And that's why Rosa
Parks is proof

that one person can
make a difference.

- Mr. Shoemaker.
- Yeah.

Do you think Rosa Parks
didn't give up her seat

because she peed her pants?

Joel's funny. You
could honestly...

you could probably call
Joel the Rosa Parks

of making you all
write a 15-page paper

on the Civil Rights
movement by tomorrow!

Now get out!

Whoa. Nice mustache, Little
League World Series.

Mind if I, uh, check your
birth certificate or what?

You know, I was actually gonna ask
you if I could get some beard oil

- so I could put some on this, you know?
- Oh, you don't need that.

You could just squeegee down
the grease on your forehead

directly into your mustache,
save yourself a few bucks.

I was gonna ask you about relationship
advice. You've clearly got...

- something else going on.
- No, no, no!

I've got nothing else going on.

- No, no, no.
- You sure, man?

- Yeah, totally fine.
- You seem off.

Why don't you go ahead?
Have a seat.

You don't mind if I push
while we talk, do you?

What do you need a
needle for, Shoemaker?

Ah, it's low-T.
It's no big deal.

So, uh, affairs of
the heart, bro talk.

Yeah.

Well, I just want to know if
you thought it was too soon

to ask Katarina to go away
with me for the weekend.

Well, I suppose that
depends on whether or not

you're willing to take it
past third base, huh?!

- Are you?! Are you?!
- Yes. Yes.

- You ready to?!
- Of course I am.

But I'm stuck in the...
the batter's box, man.

Between all of Ethan and
Aiden's activities,

by the time we get home
at night, we're just...

so tired, we go to sleep.

So, uh, you're
staying there, then?

No, I-I drop her off, and then...
and then I go home.

You just strap it
up like that, huh?

For testosterone.

I'll be... completely
honest with you, all right?

- I have a mantra that I live by.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Love is life,

and if you're not living,
you're not loving!

You see what I'm saying there?

- No, not at all.
- Got that?

That makes no sense at...

Now, what... And
why would you...

- Oh, God!
- Put it in your leg...

- And if her tits...
- and yet you strapped...

are anywhere near

as incredible as Tammy says

- that you say they are, huh?
- They are.

You take that little Manx on
that weekend getaway with you.

D Geoffrey d

Dirty Royce told me to snitch!

Oh, hey, Tam-Tam.

Hey, I-I got a surprise for you.

Jesse? Jesse!

Oh, my God!

Look at us, making
contact again.

I have missed us so much.

What brings you more happiness
than your band, Beard Science?

Yeah, we figured you'd be pretty
raw over how things went down.

Are you kidding?

Guys, I take full responsibility
for our last gig.

I was more talking about how
we hired another singer

and have gone done
blown up a bit.

We're headlining the Telluride
Bluegrass Festival.

Huh. Telluride.

Well, we have been pretty blessed
since we parted ways with you.

Yeah, and I bought a
Tesla, with blueteeth.

Why don't you guys play
a little something?

You know, sweet
bluegrass with friends.

Oh, speaking of friends, we're
collaborating with The Lumineers.

- The Lumineers?
- Yeah.

- Well, good for you.
- Yeah.

Oh, I would tell you
what I've been up to,

but it'd just bore you.

You got all this excitement
with your cars and...

festivals and lack of jobs.

And a one and a two, and
a this is what we do.

D When you're down in the
hollow and the creek runs dry d

d And you look to the heavens
and you ask them why d

d Go into your cell, and
you hid that knife d

d And you bribed the guards
so you can take that knife d

d And you take that life,
and you take it away d

d They stabbed you in the back,
and that makes it okay d

d When you're already
getting a headline d

d You didn't have to
work your way up d

d Like the other
musicians had to d

d And I hope you trip d

d And you choke on
your artist's pass d

d And I can't even get in to
watch from the side stage! d

I like this new you.

- Oh, hey, Abbey.
- Yeah.

Barely noticed you. I was too
busy looking for a book called

"So Many Doilies: A Guide to
Silent Sex in a Bed & Breakfast."

- Do you have it?
- Uh, Loren, this is a school library.

Why, you ask,

- would I be looking for such a book?
- Didn't ask.

Well, since you
must know, I, uh...

am planning a romantic getaway

for me and my lady.

I wanted to find
the perfect spot.

Oh. Look at you.

You know, I would suggest
that we double date,

but I know that you'd be pretty
intimidated by my man, Big Joe.

He's a smoking-hot former
American gladiator.

Who is it? Laser? Hawk? Nitro?

- Laser, isn't it?
- Zephyr.

Yeah, no one's ever
heard of Zephyr.

My lady's no stranger
to television, either.

She's a former Miss Former
Yugoslavia, so how about that?

Gross.

And just think, last week,
you almost got fired

for writing a book about.

You're right. I'm an author.

- Yeah.
- A loser.

You're a loser.

Sorry I'm late.

I had to bribe Summer with
an old codeine prescription

in exchange for these costumes.

Now, you guys are used to losing
with your vanilla wrestling,

but now that I'm in charge, get
ready for Rocky Road, okay?

Now, the first step to kicking
East right up the A...

pro-wrestler identities.

And there's some cool stuff
in here, like this mask.

Like, who are you now?

- Tornado.
- Tornado.

This guy gets it.
What else do we have?

Mr. Sparkles!

This stuff's all for
fake pro wrestling.

This is a real sport.

Fake? Did I just hear
somebody say "fake"?

Does this look fake?

- Hunh!
- Ohh.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Uh, sorry to interrupt
this circle jerk,

but I wanted to see the dummy
before the crash test.

The only crash test
in here is you.

Big Joe and East are gonna
eat you alive, Fairbell.

Since when are you on Big Joe's
team, anyway, Benedict eggs?

Okay, since we started dating, I'm
practically the mother to his children.

Get ready to have
your Fairbell rung.

Now, what was so important
you had to pull me away

from tending to
my toilet wine...

uh, the annual budget?

Well, dogs can be therapeutic
for someone in your position,

so I went down to the shelter,

and I got you one from the
shelter's express kill list.

Oh, God!

Well, I like his spirit.
What's his name?

Gramps.

Why would they
name a dog Gramps?

Because if you're not paying
attention, he'll get your nose!

Give me that back.

Probably why he's 37-0.

All right, let's meet
the little guy here.

Hey, budd...

Aah! Aah!

- Geoffrey! He likes you!
- Of course he does, Tammy!

We were two caged beasts
that recently got sprung.

Thank you.

You want to thank me,
take him for a walk.

He ate all my headrests.

Speaking of headrests...

he's like a pillow!

Oh, God.

Why do I feel like I'm line
at a payday loan right now?

Trashy, right? Yeah.

Fairbell got it at
the party store.

Apparently, if you rent
10 bouncy castles,

you get a wrestling
ring for free.

What is going on with
your hair, Shoemaker?

Oh, it's the Jason Statham.
You dig it?

- Uh, more like Jason Alexander.
- Yeah.

You need to cool it on
the testosterone, buddy.

You got a real
Deadpool situation

going on with that acne.

Yeah. Never really felt
better in my life.

Aah!

Sorry.

Just a gas bubble
in my left arm.

I wish my and Joe's
kids were here

to watch him mop the
floor with Fairbell.

- How old are his kids?
- Our kids are 6 and 7.

Katarina and I have
a 6 and 7-year-old.

I feel like I never really
lived until I had kids.

Yes. It's like I had a lifestyle,
but now I have a life.

I haven't seen my
son in 9 months.

We have to get the kids
together to City Park.

I'll ask Katarina. She's meeting
me here for our weekend away.

I don't even think he'd
know what I look like

if I saw him on the street.

Okay, wrestlers!

For our first match, we
have Johnson from East!

Whoo!

And McCartney from Smoot!

Correction... the Tornado!

The Tornado.

Yeah!

That all you got, Donnelly?!

Go! Go, go, go!

What?!

What?!

What is that?!

What is... this it's
supposed to be one-on-one!

I just said Johnson. I didn't
say how many Johnsons.

Oh, I fell for the classic
Johnson and Johnsons!

Oh, no more tears.

If I wanted a peck on the cheek,
I would've called your mom.

Yeah, gonna be hard to
get a kiss from my mom

with my in your mouth.

Sorry, Mom. Get in line.

That's pretty good.

- That is pretty good.
- Wow, his trash talk is improving.

That was not a legit win.
Kids come first.

Yeah, and then I second,

'cause my in your mouth.

- Not a legit win, my ass!
- Oh!

Was that a sweet
kiss from Mommy?

Why don't you give up, Coach?

Oh, no, I'm just
getting started.

I'm gonna go get changed.

I'll be back in this ring for...
for you.

Your funeral.

Oh! Oh.

Take it all off!

Unh!

That's all just water muscle.

The minute that guys
stops working out,

that just turns into fat.

Fat!

Ethan, Aiden!

Oh, Aiden and Ethan!

Hey, little dude.
How's it going?

- Up here.
- Hi! Come here.

- Wait. How do you know Ethan and Aiden?
- How do you know Ethan and Aiden?

What's up, little guys?

Thank God you're here to
take them off my hands.

And why am I meeting you at my
ex-husband's wrestling meet?

Uh-oh. Did somebody lose a dog?

Get ready for the Jack
Russell Terrorizer!

What the...?

Who's walking who?!

Uh-oh! Somebody's off-leash!

I've been left home
alone all day,

and I just got into
your bathroom trash.

What are you gonna do?

So, wait a minute. I'm the
trash in this scenario?

Aaah!

Looks like I just
put this dog down!

Fake! Fake!

Look at this gym poseur trying
to act like he's all swole!

Dude, he can hear
you, Shoemaker.

Glad he can hear me!
You know why?

'Cause anybody could
take out Forrest Gimp.

But I'd like to see you

try to take on somebody
your own size!

Oh, yeah? You know anyone?

Let me see if I can find their number.
Oh, wait! It's me!

Bring it in.

You want some of this, buddy?
Huh?

You ain't so big in person.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh! That's so great, baby!

- I'm so proud of you!
- Number two!

"Baby"? He's not your baby.

Katarina? Wait. You
brought your babysitter?

Is this the creep who's been showing
Ethan and Aiden violent cartoons?

Bro, it was "Clone
Wars." That's PG.

I'm gonna get some popcorn.

Ethan and Aiden, I'll get some popcorn.
I'll be right back.

Come here, you little.

Get up here. Get
your ass in there!

No, no, no, no, no! No, no!

Donnelly, this is bigger
than you or me, man!

This is about love, okay?

Oh-ho. Okay.

Katarina, before I
lose consciousness,

I think it's time we took
it to the next level!

You get your hands off of him!

This ends now, Donnelly.

It's gonna end right now.

So I guess I have to embarrass
everyone at this school?

You know, about an hour ago,

I would've grabbed a
dumbbell from the yard,

beat you over the
head so I could see

what your meathead
brains look like.

But I guess today's
your lucky day.

'Cause I had a close friend
help me conquer my demons.

So, bait me all you want,

but I am now on the path
of the peaceful ma...

Ohh! Ohh! Get him off me!

N-o-o-o-o!

Gramps, however, is on
a very different path.

Oh, your beautiful body!

Your hair's growing in pretty
nicely there, Statham.

Thank you.

Yeah, uh, Dr. Green has me on
a round of estrogen treatment

to help offset all
the horrific damage

I did with the testosterone.

That's medically sound.

And I apologize if
I'm fidgeting a bit,

but my nipples are
extremely sensitive.

Man, if Big Joe Donnelly thinks
I'm gonna take this lying down,

he's gonna another thing coming.

As soon as my two
halves fuse together,

it's on... rematch, in a cage.

We'll see if he's still
laughing when I'm biting his.

Leave the guy alone. He's
barely got a face left.

Welp, it's official.

According to Facebook, Joe and
Katarina are back together,

- and "it's complicated."
- I saw that.

Ugh! Did you and Joe
ever actually, like,

uh, unite the clans or...?

No, we never even kissed.

- What about you and Katarina?
- No.

Not even, like, an
awkward side hug.

So I guess we were
just babysitters.

Yeah, I always wondered why Joe
was never on any of our dates.

Katarina just stuffed a $20
in my front shirt pocket

at the end of every night.

Everyone, I would, uh,
like to apologize.

I thought that I
was strong enough

to go through prison and
not be affected by it,

but I was wrong, and I'm
learning now that that's okay.

And to you, Mr. Shoemaker,

I feel that I owe a
personal apology.

No! Stop right there. Okay?

Because you had me at "Mr.
Shoemaker."

And this just may be
the estrogen talking,

but I think you are
one hell of a man!

Thank you for that.

And it is without question
the estrogen talking.

- I wouldn't say it otherwise.
- I'll take it.

Hey, Coach Peters,
feeling better?

I was feeling a lot better,

till I got a call from the
state athletic board!

The school got suspended from
competition for six months,

because this ass
clown right here

decided to take the noble
sport of man-on-man wrestling

and turn it into some
sort of freak show!

You're welcome.

Yep.

If I had to, uh, do
it all over again,

I wouldn't change a thing.

And the Grammy for Best
Bluegrass Alt-Country Crossover

goes to Beard Science,
featuring The Lumineers.

I cannot catch a break.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!