Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Detergent Dawn - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss this tomorrow! She
just kept pedaling her dope-ass bike

further and further
and further away,

deep into the freezing,
turgid dawn.

Fin.

New York Times Best
Seller list, here I come.

Print.

Come on.

Why is it not printing?

Print.

It says it's printing.

Oh, no.



God damn it.

God!

"F"!

Hey, what are you...
what are you reading?

Uh, it's this book about this guy...
Brock Ranger.

- Man, what a badass.
- Where did you get that?!

Dude, where did you get that?!

- Ohh!
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! God...

- d Swing low d - Quinn! Quinn!

D Sweet charioooot d

- Quinn, where did that kid come from?
- Oh, no, Mr. Payton,

- I'm not getting him...
- Quinn, where did he come from?

No, I'm on the outside now.

I need answers,
Quinn, not garbage!



- Where did he come from?!
- He came from the library.

How hard was that?

Come on!

I'm not a snitch. I am...
I am a snitch.

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

What?

- E-everyone's reading my "Turgid"...
- Shhh!

"Brock Ranger turned to his
girlfriend, Jade Phoenix,

- "but Jade didn't turn back."
- No.

"She just kept pedaling
her dope-ass bike

"further and further
and further away,

- "deep into the freezing, turgid dawn."
- "Deep into the freezing, turgid dawn."

Wow. That is...

- Yeah?
- Really impressive.

You really think so?

Yeah. It's total garbage,

but it's impressive that a
Smoot student wrote it.

It's not total garbage.

What makes... what makes you
think a student wrote it?

Well, it's either a student

or the world's most
stunted adult.

No, it's clearly written
by a high-schooler

with an elementary-schooler's
view of sexuality.

Okay, I think the author

knew a lot more about
sexuality than that, Abbey.

Brock is a metaphor for
the human condition...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, but, seriously,

I would love to meet the
kid who wrote this.

It's like a bona fide
literary phenomenon.

Like "On the Road"?

No, like "Goosebumps."

Yeah.

Like "On the Road."

Enjoy.

Those things are flying
off of the shelves.

- I know. The kids love them.
- It's incredible.

Is this where the filth is coming from...
the library?!

Great. I should have known.

Yeah, these kids are reading.

Oh, is that what you call it...
reading?

She don't have pockets
inside of her pants, Trevor!

Badass.

You know what we're
looking at here?

A bona fide literary phenomenon,
like "On the Road"?

No, how about a potential
outbreak of pregnancies?

It's an adventure novel, Cattie.

There's no sex in it.

It's that great period
before the sex.

Why don't you shut those red
lips, Mapplethorpe, okay?

We got to do something
about this smut.

I'm already on thin ice
with the school board

because of that scathing article
during the Quinn trial.

Hey, do you guys have a copy
of that crazy, stupid novel

- that everybody's reading...
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- "Detergent Dawn" or whatever?
- Yeah, the one everyone's petting

- each other's bumps over?
- Whoa.

See, that's what I'm
talking about, y'all!

Okay, it's "The Turgid
Dawn," and no one knows

if a kid wrote it... an adult
could have written it.

Probably, an adult wrote it.

Okay, if an adult wrote it,
then how come, on page 34,

when they're talking
about young ladies,

Brock says to Hawk, uh,

he don't know where
the pee come out.

Okay, Cattie, if
you know so much,

where does the pee come out?

My mama said it's indecent to...

I just have to sit down to do it...
that's all I know.

My point exactly.

Well, it don't matter

because when I find out the
student who wrote this filth,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

What if a teacher wrote it?

Well, then, I'll
fire that pervert.

It don't matter, 'cause as of
now, "Detergent Dawn" is banned.

It's "The Turgid Dawn."

We're banning books now?!
I hate it here!

You know, I-I may be just an
old, washed-up mop jockey,

but, uh, tell you
what I would do.

Would that be, Geoffrey,
minding your own business?

'Cause that's what I suggest.

Yeah, I-I made a mistake, Warden...
Ma'am... Warden.

Dang this school!

Every time I turn
around, it's something.

Fairbell, come with me.

I have a health-education
matter to discuss.

We're gonna see Doctor...

How are you gonna get yourself
out of this one, Brock?

What makes you think
that I wrote this?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe
it's something like,

"She had a waist like
a Campbell's Soup can

and cans like a souped-up
Neve Campbell."

How long you been
sitting on that?

Since "Scream 2."

You got to help me, Shoemaker.
You heard her.

If she finds out I wrote
this, she'll fire my ass.

This is garbage.

You're on your own,
"Broman Polanski."

This is not garbage...
it's literature.

I'll give you 10 bucks for it.

- $20.
- Deal.

I don't know what I
was just saying.

I think there is a
way I can help you.

Why don't you meet me in my
office in a few minutes?

- You mean your classroom?
- My office!

All right. You're gonna want
to ice it and then heat it.

Hey, with a heating pad!

Dr. Greene, what is the
status of the "handemic"?

Well, not gonna lie to you...

this is the worst outbreak
of carpal tunnel I've seen

since Tim Wakefield picked
up the knuckleball.

It's that "Turgid Dawn"...

that thing reads like
a user's manual.

We need something
foolproof, y'all, like...

like abstinence education.

Well, I've never seen a problem that
can't be fixed with a well-timed skit.

That's a great idea...
an abstinence skit.

Everybody loves skits.

Ooh, you could get that
thespian, Summer, to help you.

She's a sort of an actress.

Sure.

Hey, Rod, how we coming
with those splints?

I'm sucking as fast as I can.

I'm working on a serious case of
brain freeze right now, okay?

Damn it. I wish there
was an easier way

to get Popsicle sticks.

Well, I already told you

we are not entertaining
movie, uh, deals yet,

even if it is the
Spielberg brothers.

Oh, I've got to go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thanks for coming by.

Uh, bottled water,
Hydrox cookie?

No. Gross.

Why did you call me
here, Shoemaker?

I may have been a bit premature

in my assessment of your novel.

Well, that's funny 'cause I remember
you saying that you hated it.

- What?!
- Yeah.

No. No, I'm just...

I'm just hypercritical
of things that I love.

- I mean, ask my son.
- That's true.

- And-and maybe...
- Poor bastard.

I think it's a little immature

that you believe that breasts
are always producing milk,

but who am I to judge, huh?

Okay, I'm not an idiot.

I know that they need a
break every now and then,

but how was Jade
supposed to feed Brock

when they were trapped
together in that submarine?

And that's why you're the author

and I'm just a
simple businessman.

See, I believe you
have really tapped

into the Zeitgeist
with this thing.

The new bratwurst
place downtown?

Dude, did you get reservations?

No. No, no, no. It's impossible.

The line's around the block. No.

I'm talking about the
big picture here.

- Movie deals, merchandising.
- I love it.

- Yes. But all that dream...
- Uh-huh.

That goes... paaah! That
goes away if people...

Abbey... continue to
pirate your hard work.

That's where I come in.

You need me as an anonymous
author to represent you.

I never thought of it that way.

- No, and that's...
- I mean, I guess I'm kind of...

stuck between a "Brock" and
a hard place, aren't I?

Right?

That's the name of the novel.
That's the sequel.

Write that down. I want
you to write that down.

No, no. The good ones I
always remember... always.

All right. I'll let you
take your chances.

Which is why I just drafted
up this little thing.

I don't... I don't know if we
need a contract, Shoemaker.

Oh, oh, oh, contract?

No, no, no, no, no, please.

No, don't think of
it as a contract.

Think of this as a...

as an informal agreement
between friends

that just happens to be
legally binding, huh?

You know what? Why not?

- Yes!
- Screw it.

Screw it.

Attaboy.

Now, y'all don't pay me
any mind here, okay?

I'm just a kid who wants to hear

about the cool choice
of abstinence.

Do B.J.s count?

Joel, if I have to call
your mother one more time,

so help me gosh.

Okay. Class...

I was up all night coming
up with some scenarios

that are gonna help you
guys say N-O to sex

and Y-E-double-S to
being cool like me.

Now, I brought in some help.

Some of you may know Summer
from make-believe class.

The dramatic arts.

Yes, today, I will be
playing Tanya Lafontaine,

a confused, lascivious
15-year-old runaway

with a dangerous past.

- Ooh.
- And I'll be playing... me.

Okay. Let's go ahead
and get started.

Let's say you're at the movies.

We're gonna show you just
how easy it is to say no.

Hey, Andy, would you
have sex with me?

No.

- It's just that easy.
- It's just that easy.

But what if you're at a party?

I've had too much to drink,
and I'm feeling sexual.

- Would you drive me home?
- No.

Besides, this X-wing
only has room for one.

Wish I could help you, Tanya.
Got to go home.

It's...

- it's...
- R2, set a course for Bespen.

Beep, boop, beep, beep, boop!

It...

it's just that easy.

All right, this skit wasn't the
home run I'd hoped it'd be.

Summer, why don't you take
over and make this not suck?

It will be my greatest
theatrical challenge.

- Fairbell?
- Sorry, I can't hear you

over all these TIE fighters!

Watch your 6, Blue Leader!
I'm hit!

Vrrrrrr! Ohh!

I'm down.

Boy, what a difference
a day makes, huh?

Yesterday, this
place was hoppin'.

Yeah, I can still hear them

turning the pages of
their favorite book.

Yeah.

A lot's changed around here
since Cattie Goodman, huh?

Even... even you.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing, just the old
Abbey that I know...

she would have never
tolerated a book banning.

She would have printed out a
thousand copies of that thing

just to shove them
in my little face,

but this is... this
is better, you know?

Time passes. People change.

They get older. They get wiser.

Wait. Do you think I look older?

Oh, no. That's... I wasn't
saying that at all.

I mean, in the
eyes, I would say.

Oh, my God. Quinn, you're right.

God damn it. Screw Cattie!

Well, that's not what
I was getting at,

but, you know, I'm just
the lowly janitor.

What do I know?

Which reminds me... I got to
Windex those front windows...

they're not gonna Windex
themselves, Abbey.

Okay.

Hey, Quinn...

Yeah, Abbey?

The women's is backed up again.

I think Julie did it.

Great. Well, I'll
get right on it.

I'm the janitor of the school.

- It's just that easy.
- It's just that easy.

Andrew, what do you
say we go off script

to spice things up a little bit?

- All right. Sure.
- Follow my lead?

Okay.

- Hi, Andy.
- Hey.

Remember all that hot
sex we had last month?

Uh, we did?

Yeah, and I'm late.

- Late for what?
- My period.

I'm pregnant with twins, and I'm keeping
them. I don't care what you say.

Okay.

So, what did we just learn about sex?
Don't have it.

It's just that...

- easy.
- Easy?!

Oh, you just hit it and quit it?

You didn't call me for weeks.

Okay, I think the skit is over.

Oh, it's over because
you say it's over,

because it's inconvenient?

No. Not again.

It's just that easy.

Look at me.

You look at me right now!
I'm right here.

What was that?

That was called
"sexual chemistry."

Don't you feel it?

Look, you're, uh, super cool,
and I appreciate the help,

but I'm not looking for a
full-time skit partner

right now, okay?

Just maybe as more of a friend...
hallway friend?

We're meant to be
partners for life.

I actually forgot I
have to be somewhere.

Sorry. Got to go.

Kcchhhhm!

There you are.

Halt all artificial
dissemination

across the entire
e pluribus unum.

Are you Abigail Marie
Rabinowitz Logan?

You know I am, Williams
Sonoma Shoemaker.

- What do you want?
- You've been served.

What the

- Ha!
- Sorry.

"Request to cease and insist."

Wait. Cease and ins...
That's not even a...

Oh, it's from The Law Bros.

That's correct.

You see, the copies
of "The Turgid Dawn"

that you're just printing off

and bootlegging all
willy und nilly...

that stops today.

Any further correspondences
regarding my client

will come through me
ad infinitum, et al!

Your client? Who's your client?

The anonymous author of this.

Well, you're too late,

because the anonymous author
already revealed himself to me.

I hope you mean that he
showed you his genitals.

No, he approached me earlier

and agreed to do an exclusive
"Q and A" with me after school.

Dumb asshole son of a bitch!

It was actually quite simple...
eat, drink, and be merry,

for tomorrow, we die...

because we're tripping billies.

Also, re-read "Turgid Dawn"

and think of five new things
that you love about it.

Ahh.

Cat's out of the bag, asshole!

- What?
- How much did she pay you?

- Nothing. I paid her.
- What?

I mean, technically, I traded for
some medication her mom needed,

but I was in Juárez,
picking up scrips.

What are you talking about?!

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you agreeing

to do some "Q and
A" in the library.

Oh. Wait, no, I didn't
agree to any "Q and A."

Oh, you are so coy,

I ought to put you
in a Japanese pond!

I'm out there, trying
to bring us the money,

and what are you doing... you're out
there, revealing your identity!

I'm serious, Shoemaker.
I didn't do anything.

Someone's out there taking
credit for my work.

Wait. Are you saying that we have
a Carlos Mencia situation here?

Well, it's hardly that funny.

We have an impostor.

I should reveal myself.

Yes. Now's the perfect time.

- Now, that's great.
- I'm tired of this damned anonymity.

- Yes.
- There's no fun in it.

That is a great idea.

And at what temperature shall
we cook the golden goose?!

God damn it, if I don't reveal
myself as the true author,

how am I to be the next Faulkner
or Fitzgerald or Steinbeck?

Oh, wait. I got to remember

that you're serious
when you say like that.

Listen, you need to
stop what you're doing

and let me do my job.

Then do your job!

I tell you, sometimes,
the abuse is...

not worth the 65% commission.

No, thank you. I'm
just doing a one.

If you need it, I'm here.

Aaah!

Aaaaah!

All right, if I seem a little
out of it this morning, class,

I was up all night because...

someone kept ringing
my doorbell.

And then I'd go outside,
and there was...

little animal
skulls on the lawn.

But I thought of some fun stuff you
could do instead of having sex.

Um, you could play,
uh, video games

to just try to forget.

Um, you could wash the sheep's
blood off of the steps

- that you thought was real b...
- Andrew.

- No. No!
- I'm here.

Please, no! No!

You naughty boy.

No, we only had
pretend sex one time.

We need a stronger bond, Andrew.

We need a blood bond.

Oh, no, please don't cut
up my skin and live in it.

No! Aaaah!

Aaah!

Aaaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

And scene!

That's why you should
never have sex.

What the hell was that?

I don't know, but I'm
never having sex again.

God damn it!

First, Summer pulls a
knife on Fairbell,

and now you're doing exactly
what I told you not to do!

Y'all trying to kill me?

You know, Cattie, I have
tried to make you like me.

I have tried to
turn this library

into something that
you'd be proud of.

But you... you call me a witch.

You make fun of my hair.

You... you put all my
gang friends in prison.

So, yeah, yeah, I'm defying you.

Well, you better shut
this down, or I will.

Well, then, I'll call that
reporter, Pam, and tell her

her favorite whipping girl
is now banning books.

Ohh! Is that how you want to
play this, you dirty bird?

Well, you go ahead.

You have your author unveiling

because, as soon as Cattie Goodman
finds out who wrote this trash,

she's gonna hang him up by
his filthy little fingers

so he can't type anymore.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Cattie Goodman!

Look at this.

This should all be for me...
the cheese and Martinelli's.

And I'm sitting here on
the God damn sideline.

- Keep your voice down!
- Then get me a Martinelli.

You want a Martinelli's, I'll
get you a damn Martinelli's.

- Excuse me.
- Hurry up. Hurry it up.

Thank you for joining us in
our inaugural author series.

I haven't lined up any
other authors, but I'm...

still aggressively tweeting J.K.
Rowling,

so fingers crossed for that,

which is a wonderful segue
to our next matter at hand.

"Matter at hand."
She is killing it.

It is my supreme
honor to introduce

the author of "The Turgid Dawn,"

Joel, um...

I for... I forgot his last name.

You know, I never got his
last name, so just Joel.

Sit!

Sit down!

Your ass is mine, Joel.

What's up, everyone?

So, Joel, you are a sophomore.

You played freshman
soccer, but not J.V.

You have a "D" in English,

and yet you are a
literary phenom.

Tell us about your
writing process.

Aw, hell, just write
what you know.

Oh, yes!

- Oh!
- Ow!

Those panties should
be thrown at me.

- And that would be a felony.
- An age-appropriate version.

- You know what I'm talking about.
- Chill out.

If you don't do something
about this right now, I will.

I'll handle it. All right.

First the Martinelli's,
now this.

Abbey, real quick, I have
a few Q's for this "A."

Shoemaker, it's not
really the time for...

No, no, no. It'll be fine.

Hello, Mr. Author, if
that is your real name.

I'd like to know,
how did you come up

with the character
of Brock Ranger?

Oh, well, that was easy.

I just looked at myself and
made him a bit taller.

Okay, no. No, no, no.

I have another question
I'd like to ask...

How long did it take you
to write this masterpiece?

Oh, just like a weekend.

That's all...

Shoemaker, I don't know
what you're doing, but...

could you please take a seat?

No, no, no, no, no. I
will do the talking here.

- One more question that I...
- This is getting nowhere.

All right, Joel, what does
the word "turgid" mean?

Oh, well, it's, uh...

- What's that?
- Uh.

It's like badass, right?

Wrong. It's not badass.

And Joel doesn't know that

because Joel didn't
write this book.

Oh, and somebody...
And neither did you.

- So sit down!
- I will not sit down.

I've been sitting my whole
life, but today, I stand,

for it was I...

I who wrote "The Turgid Dawn."

You did not! You did?

- Yes, I did.
- Oh!

Of course it was him!
Why wouldn't it be?!

This whole damn place is one
giant worst-case scenario!

You got racist mascots!
You got girl gangs!

You got boy teachers
dressing up as ladies!

So, of course, one of
Cattie Goodman's faculty

is writing teen smut!

It's not smut, Cattie.

It's the story of my sexuality.

Some people aren't ready
to go all the way yet...

sure, occasionally, in a border
town, but that's different.

That's a transaction.

But when it's an
actual relationship,

you always wind up getting
your heart broken.

So, yeah, I like to just.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'll excuse all
of y'all to hell!

Not before you admit that
this is a work of art.

Just ask Shoemaker.

What's that?

Hey, real quick, could one
of you pull your car around,

and I'll just leap down on...

You know what? I-I'll
just take my chances.

Did he just go out the window?

Did he just go out the...
did he just go...

Cattie Goodman's got a
pain in her left arm!

- Oh, Cattie!
- Cattie Goodman's got

- a pain in her left arm!
- Cattie!

- Oh. my God.
- Cattie Goodman's got a pain!

- Cattie's got a cramp...
- You're gonna be fine.

- Cattie Goodman!
- You're gonna be fine.

Well, what about him?!
He's responsible!

Mr. Payton, follow
us to the office.

Take off that scarf
and those glasses.

And, Abbey, clean up this
mess and don't be far behind.

- Get 'em! You get 'em!
- We're gonna get 'em.

Thank you, Geoffrey. I
can take it from here.

You see, this requires firm
hands, and I've got the firmest.

Well, why not just take a
minute for yourself over here?

Sure.

Maybe let the old janitor
clean up this place.

Yeah. Hey, are you gonna burn

this cursed school
to the ground?

Oh, no.

I'll leave that to
faulty boiler number 6.

Oh!

Loren, my off...

Cattie's office, now.

And you have really done
it this time, Mister.

And I'm not gonna
go soft on you.

You want to know why?

Because prison changes a man!

See?

I got... I got Quinn
to handle this.

I fixed him. I fixed
the problems at Smoot.

Cattie Goodman fixed all
the problems at Smoot.

Cattie Goodman!

This is a travesty!

You finished your book!

Quinn, you're not...
you're not mad?

No, I'm just mad it took you
so long to get it done.

Once I found out it was you,

I just pretended to be mad
to shield you from Cattie.

Cattie Goodman fixed Smoot!

Cattie Goodman fixed Smoot!

Yes, you did, Cattie Goodman.

So I-I guess you're
probably gonna...

look for a new
school to fix, huh?

Oh, good idea, Tam-Tam.

Get me another
feather in my cap.

Call the district,

tell them that Quinn's
ready to take the reins.

Whatever it takes to make it

so I don't have to come back
to this unholy lake of fire!

Now, where are my
write-up forms?!

Because I swear to God,
when I finally find them,

you will die!

Now, be honest with me...

- Brock's best friend, Hawk Remington...
- Oh, God.

Is that me?

- Probably. Probably, sure.
- I knew it was me!

And that scene where you and I tandem
para-glide over that topless beach...

that is just classic
Quinn and Loren.

I mean, we've never
done that before.

- You take care of yourself, okay?
- Thank you, Tammy. I will.

I swear to God, I am punishing
you so good right now...

because you will never,
ever do this again!

- Tammy, one more thing.
- Yes?

Tam, the third-floor
women's is clogged again.

- Mm-hmm.
- And I think it was Julie.

Julie did it.

Ooh. Crazy-ass bitch.

Now, when can we
expect a sequel?

I am outlining.

Quinn told me to come in here,

but did I just see Cattie
drive across the lawn?

Sounds about right. Quinn's
back in charge now.

And that's why you're gonna have
to live in my house with me

to have a positive
male role model!

He sounds angry.

Oh, it's all for show. He's
in there, tickling Loren.

Right there.

That's it, right there.

Why don't you go on home?

I'll get you off the hook.

Thank you.

_

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!