Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Trial of Geoffrey Quinn - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss this tomorrow! I
suppose you heard that Principal Quinn

was arrested earlier today.

Apparently, he exposed himself
to a group of students

in some sort of a school prank.

Aah!

I've been burned before.
Literally.

T-the combustion point
of creme de menthe

- is 88 degrees Fahrenheit.
- 88?

That's the most dangerous
of all the apéritifs.

What if Quinn gets the
electric chamber?

Oh, you're thinking
of a microwave again.



Oh, right. The gas chair.

What if Quinn gets
the gas chair?

Hey, you two do realize that Quinn
could get 20 years for this.

20 years?

He won't serve a single day!

Not a single day! Ha!

Except for the time he's already
served, but that's Dave's bad.

Whoo! It is my bad.
It is my bad.

But in my defense...

who's ever heard of a bail hearing?
Am I right?

- Yo. Dave. Ha ha.
- I'm Zack.

- Holy... Quinn hired The Law Bros?
- Dude!

I pee on your guys'
urinal ads all the time.

- Tight!
- Tight!



- Enh! Enh! Enh!
- Unh! Unh! Unh!

- Ga-ga-ga. Whoo!
- Hey! Hey!

Now I'm gonna have to warn you.

You may not recognize Quinn.

Prison has a way
of changing man.

- Ooh.
- Whoa.

Carl! Hey, I think you're
in the wrong courtroom.

This is my trial. Yeah, you're in 17.
Good luck.

Remember, the truth
will set you free.

Or it'll get you 9 years.

Guys! Hey!

Oh, my God! What have I missed?

You got to fill me
in on everything!

Obviously no
"Bachelor" spoilers.

Did he really say
he loves two women?

- He did! He did!
- No, don't tell me!

- Don't tell me!
- He's a dog.

Ha ha! Trial.

Hi.

Brought my wife's briefcase.

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

Now, Leslie, you and I are cut from
the same cloth, wouldn't you say?

Actually, no.

You're a country-club shrew with
a silver spoon up your ass,

while I may or may not have
once worked for the Miami mob.

Well, I can tell by your
tone that you're tenured,

so I'm just gonna
cut to the chase.

Now, because of Quinn's
indecent-exposure trial,

a reporter is coming to Smoot.

And my time here hasn't
been exactly smooth.

Ha! I'd call it a
goddamn train wreck.

Call it what you will,

but I can smell a smear
campaign a mile away.

Ooh, sounds like you've
got an expensive problem.

That's what I like
about you, Leslie.

You have a price.

And, you see, I need to make
this place look like a...

- A good school?
- No, a perfect school.

I need well-behaved kids,
modern classrooms.

Ha! Here?

That's impossible.

Ladies, with enough cash,
nothing is impossible.

Follow me.

Behold.

Now, Leslie, this is exactly

what I don't want them to see.

Are they making iPhones?

Kids! ilnmigración!

Good work, kids.

And for the right price, I can
do this for the entire school.

Now, now, what...

now, what are we talking
about price-wise

to put lipstick on this turd?

All right, well, I got a
three-tier conformity package.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh, Salt Lake City...

- Mm-hmm.
- Google campus...

and then my top tier,
my creme de la creme...

- Give it to me.
- Pyongyang.

- North Korea?
- Uh-huh.

Well, that little guy does run a
pretty tight ship over there.

They can turn a famine
into a halftime show,

but it's gonna cost ya.

- Three grand.
- That's outrageous!

Do you know the actual good
we could do with three grand?

Oh, please, is actual good gonna get
you the Supreme People's Orchestra?

And where are we gonna
put an orchestra?

Rod's room. Nobody's
seen him for days.

He's probably half-dead
in a Tijuana brothel.

So, what do you want, huh?

- Pyongyang it is.
- All right.

- There it is.
- Done.

- Unh! Ha ha!
- Yeah! Whoo!

Hey. Hey. Great news.

You can all go home,

because we just got
a sweet plea deal!

- Wow! Wow!
- Really? That's amazing!

What's the plea deal?

Check this out.

All Quinn has to do is plead
no contest misdemeanor

to littering and pay a $200 fine.
He's free!

- That's nothing.
- That's amazing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do I look like Charles Manson?

Littering? I would never litter.

You took your clothes
off in the hall.

Those clothes are
100% biodegradable.

I did nothing wrong. No deal!

But you're facing
20 years here, bro.

Not guilty.

- Ohh.
- Oh. My. God.

All right. Not to worry.

Because we arranged the
perfect jury for you.

These no way these dudes
are gonna find you guilty.

- Oh. My. God.
- Whoa.

That is the royal flush of juries.
Wow!

You're absolutely right.

This entire jury is
biased in my favor.

Damn you, rigged system!

Your Honor, I would like to
waive my right to a jury trial.

What is he d...

You realize, by
waiving your right,

I'm the only person who
will decide your fate?

I defer to your judgment.

I'll allow it.

- Wow.
- Yes!

- Well, this sucks.
- Sucks.

Hey, silver lining...
we get to go to trial

- for the first time.
- Hell yeah, boy!

Hell, yeah. Hey,
first-trial selfie.

Yeah, man, I'm gonna
do a duck face.

Pam, I'm so glad you could
join us here today.

Well, I wanted to see for myself if
the fixer could actually fix Smoot.

Oh, no!

Who put that mural up, y'all?

Come on, now! This
is embarrassing!

Who did it?

- The students made this?
- Aren't they gifted?

Well, let's go.

There's so much to
see, so little time.

This way. Hey, y'all.

Hello, Principal Goodman.

Hello, writer Pam.

Now, Pam, as you can see,

Smoot is on the cutting
edge of technology.

We're always looking
towards the future.

That's why I developed my
Imagine 2025 campaign.

Sure does look like you
have righted the ship.

Well, I don't want to give
myself all the credit.

I'm gonna leave some
of that up to you.

- Ooh, Pam, you okay?
- Yeah.

Creme de menthe!

My God.

What happened here?

It's... it's so clean!

What the hell?

What are you doing
in my classroom?

Answer me!

My God. He's really playing.

This is insane.

Where is everybody?!

What's going on? Where's Loren?

Please. Thank you. Please.
Thank you.

Holy!

I exploded myself
into the future!

Aah!

The defense will try to show

that this was an
appropriate reaction

to a senior prank.

But let me ask you...
when was the last time

you were so scared, you
took off your clothes?

I gotta get out of these.
I gotta get out of these!

Not here. Not here. Not here.

The prosecution will prove

that this was the work of a...
sexual deviant

preying on the innocent
youth of our community.

Wonderful, Miss Donovan.

Mr. McCleese?

Dude, it's "Zack." Mr.
McCleese is my stepfather.

Uh, that was a pretty
tight opening statement,

except for one problem...

everything she just said

was total bull...

The defense rests its case.

You can't rest your case

after your opening
statement, you asshole!

Quinn is gonna get 20 years.

The prosecution would like
to call its first witness,

Abigail Marie Rabinowitz Logan.

Rabinowitz?

I never dropped my
husband's last name.

- It was so much paperwork.
- Abbey, you have to let it go.

Miss Rabinowitz Logan.

In your estimation, do you think Mr.
Quinn

knowingly exposed
himself to students?

Uh, no, definitely not.

But how would you know?

Oh, right, you were
involved in the prank.

Well, I don't like to brag,
but the kids look up to me

because I'm the coolest
teacher in school.

- Not cool.
- That's not true.

So you believe the students think
you're one of the coolest teachers?

Uh, yeah, definitely.

But the fact is, you've
never been cool, have you?

I am cool.

I've always been cool.

The prosecution would like
to introduce Exhibit B.

Sorry. Gotta go, Britney Spears!

Oh, okay. What... what... what is...
what is that?

Hi!

Oh, hi!

This is the true story of a
proud virgin from D-town.

D Picked to live in a house d

d and have her life be taped. d

What?

Find out what happens
when Abbey Rabinowitz

stops being polite and
starts getting real.

Is that you?

"Real World: Abbey."

Oh, and if I get picked,
Meowthew Perry has to come

because he's my favorite
and we're a team.

"Real World: Abbey"!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

This is an outrage!

Back then, those
hairstyles were very cool!

Miss Rabinowitz Logan,
let's be frank.

You're not very cool, are you?

Sometimes I'm...

Quinn thinks I'm... I'm cool.

And yet you said you were cool.

So we can't believe
anything you say, right?

I don't know.

Including what you said about Mr.
Quinn's motives.

No further questions.

State your name for
the record, please.

Andrew Crispin
Fairbell, Your Honor.

Don't call me "Your Honor."
You're thinking of the judge.

Uh, no, I'm thinking of an
astronaut, but good guess.

Okay, uh, Mr. Fairbell,

you were with Geoffrey Quinn
on the night in question?

- No.
- No.

I don't know.

Um, uh...

has Mr. Quinn ever
mentioned the prospect

of exposing himself to you?

I don't know.

You don't seem to know a lot.

Uh, is it because you're hungry?

Oh, did you want one of these?

- Yes, please.
- Oh

Let's try this again. Um...

Did Mr. Quinn ever
mention nudity?

- Definitely. Definitely.
- Oh.

How is she getting away
with giving him candy?

Because they're not
even listening.

Look, she is liking
all of my Instas.

Nah, dude, I think she's a bot.

So you would call
him a predator?

Definitely. We call him
"Predator" all the time.

- Just like in the movie.
- Mm-hmm.

And so just to clarify,

you would call him a sex...

ophone...

- pre...
- preda...

pressurer. Saxophone pressurer!

- Sexual predator.
- Saxophone predator.

Let the record state that
he said "sexual predator."

No further questions.

Am I gonna go to jail? They told me
I'd be home in time for "Raw Jam 4."

Tammy! You're alive!

Yeah. Where the
hell have you been?

I think the question
is when have I been.

That doesn't make
any sense, Rod.

What's happening around here?
Everybody's acting like robots.

Oh, that's the new regime.
We went full Pyongyang.

Pyongyang?! The... The
North Koreans won?!

Oh, my God!

What else have I missed
in the last 10 years?

Rod, what year do
you think it is?

2025. I saw the sign!

Why are you laughing?!

Oh, it's nothing.

Laughter's precious here in 2025

under the thumb of
our new leader.

How widespread is it?

It's out of control.

If only we had a...

a big, strong former Marine
to fix the situation.

Tammy. That's mostly what I am.

What the hell is that?!

Oh, it's a... it's a
propaganda rally.

For the, uh, visiting press.

Not if I have anything
to say about it!

I'm gonna need to
borrow Old Glory here.

Time to suck stripes, you
bowl-cut sons of bitches!

Now, can you believe they
just do this on their own?

It's like they're overcome
with Smoot spirit.

Wow. This is incredible.

USA! USA!

- USA!
- Oh, that's Bob.

He's just one of our teachers
showing his patriotism.

He's probably gonna teach
them some new drills.

Have you seen our, uh... our
advanced education classroom?

Wolverines!

You can pry it out of my cold,
dead hands, you filthy pinkos!

Aah!

The prosecution calls
William Sonoma Shoemaker.

What?

What? What are you laughing at? I
was conceived in wine country.

Sounds like you were conceived
right next to a Gap Kids.

Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha.
That's so funny.

All right? Now watch and learn.

This ambulance chaser is
gonna get nothing out of me.

Like blood from a stone.

Mr. Shoemaker.

Do you need a moment
before we being?

Huh? Uh, Yeah. No.

I... I'm... I'm sorry.

Mr. Shoemaker, in
your deposition,

you said that Principal Quinn
had done nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong. I mean, who
really ever does nothing wrong?

Yet you also had kind of a wild night
on the night in question, correct?

Wild? I mean...

w-w-we were all wild
that night, yeah.

We?

So you admit that you had a
wild night with Mr. Quinn?

Well, I... was not...

naked like he was...

not that he meant
"on tentionally."

He didn't m-mean to
do it on purpo...

May I have some more water, please?
Thank you.

I'm hesitant to let you have another
glass of water, Mr. Shoemaker,

because I'm afraid
you'll have an accident.

You have accidents, don't you?

In fact, you had an accident

on the night in
question, correct?

You know, I don't recall.

Do these look familiar?

"Badonks"?!

You're, like, one of the most
popular girls in school.

You know, I-I-I don't think
I've ever seen those before.

Oh, well, then they
probably won't fit.

Your Honor, the
prosecution requests

that Mr. Shoemaker try these on.

Objective!

It's "objection," you idiot.

Overruled.

I want to see what happens
when he puts the shorts on.

Feel free to use my chambers.

Could I borrow your gun?

Well, there it is, Billy
boy, you are caught.

I-I wore these shorts.
It's so clear.

I'm guilty. What a disaster.

Accidents. What was I...
Everyone has accidents.

I did it all, though. God.
And the burping.

Plus I've never paid a
single tax to the IRS.

What? XYZ?

My mike was on, wasn't it?

The prosecution rests.

Defense?

Uh, yeah, we're gonna pass.

This is ridiculous.

- Yeah.
- I know, right?

We're getting creamed right now!

We're your defense team,
not miracle workers.

Yeah, well, guess what.
Not anymore.

Your Honor, I move
to defend myself.

Sure. Why not?

Law Bros, you are dismissed.

Fine. At least we're
leaving with some dignity.

Yeah.

Ow! Whoa!

Mr. Quinn, do you need a recess
to prepare your defense?

No, I do not. This
case is about intent.

There's only one person
in this courtroom

who knows what was in
my heart that night.

- Oh, God, no.
- Because he always does.

Don't say me. Do not say me.
Do not say me.

I would like to
call to the stand,

- Loren Louis Payton.
- Do not say me.

God damn it!

Well, they've all
been brainwashed!

Okay, this... this is... this
is getting a bit out of hand.

You're damn right it is.

Okay, look, we can't do
anything about it today,

but by tomorrow, everything
will be over and we...

Over? Are you talking nukes?
End of the world?

Oh, damn it. It's
worse than I thought.

Okay, it's too late to do
something about it today,

but it's not too early to do
something about it yesterday.

Goodbye, Tammy.

Till we re-meet again.

Your Honor, permission
to hug the witness.

- Come on.
- At this point, why not?

- Hey, come here.
- No.

- Come here. Come here.
- Quinn.

Doing all right?

- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.
- You hanging in there?

Mr. Quinn, any day now.

Yeah. Almost done.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Would you say that we are...

best friends?

- We work together.
- And?

- We're best friends.
- We're work friends.

Best work friends?

And may I remind you,
you are under oath.

Fine. We're best work friends.
Quinn, will you get to the point?

This is the point!

This has always been the point.
Don't you get that?

Fine, okay. We're best friends.

Best.

And let me ask you, as
your best friend...

as we are best friends.
We've established that.

Would I ever intentionally
expose myself to children?

No. Absolutely not. No way.

No further questions,
Your Honor.

The defense rests.

Your witness, counselor.

Mr. Payton, do you
know what perjury is?

Uh, is that like when, uh, somebody
eats a whole sheet cake and then...

- That's purging.
- Oh.

- Perjury is when you lie...
- Oh, like that dope-ass movie

where everything's
legal for like a day?

That's "The Purge."

Perjury is when you
lie under oath.

Have you committed perjury?

No, I have not
committed perjury.

And yet you testified

that Principal Quinn
is your best friend.

Yes. Sure. Whatever.

People's Exhibit C.

This is the visitor's log
from the Denver County Jail.

Would you care to guess
whose name is not on it?

Hey, objection. Uh, Loren
is a very busy guy.

Overruled.

Your name isn't on it, Mr.
Payton,

because you never visited
the defendant in jail.

But surely you would have called

your best friend
in prison, right?

You know, I don't remember.

I do.

Not only did you not call
the defendant in prison,

but according to
these phone records,

you've never called him at all.

Objection.

There's a lot of people who
never call their best friends.

Overruled.

Mr. Payton, if you called a
particular number 81 times,

surely that person would be
your best friend, right?

Yeah, right. It's probably just

some sweet side piece I
was working at the time.

Please, please be a video.

Okay, I-I'm just gonna
call the number.

No, you don't... you don't have
to actually call him. That's...

Yeah, give me a second.
I'm just gonna call him.

No, it's good. It's good.

Yo, this is Cody. You
know what to do.

And if this is Loren,
stop calling, dude.

It's weird.

Do you want to leave a message?

No, I'm... I'm good.

You sure you don't want
to leave a message?

Hey, Codes, what's up, bro?

Dude! Ha ha! Hilarious message!

Ha ha ha! How's
stuff at college?

Are you taking those
psychology courses?

Get at me. Love you, bud.
Kickin' summer.

God.

No further questions.

A redirect, Your Honor?

Oh, why not?

Loren, I apologize

that I am not the kind of friend

that you would ever
want to come and visit.

And I don't know who Cody is,

but he sounds like a
pretty lucky guy to me.

No further feelings, Your Honor.

Can I... can I be
done with this?

Please. Please. Go.

I'm sorry, Quinn.

Bravo.

Shut up.

I'm ready to give my verdict.

Geoffrey Quinn, please rise.

All right.

I have witnessed here today

a litany of perjury,
poor character,

and terrible fashion choices.

But thanks to the prosecution,

I was able to view the tape.

Clearly there was no intent

to expose yourself to students.

Now, I knew this,
but I wanted to see

if you could get
there on your own.

Plus, I get paid hourly.

I find you not guilty.
You're free to go.

Yeah!

Quinn, that's amazing.
Your nightmare is over.

Oh! I almost forgot!

Mr. Shoemaker,
you'll be contacted

about your tax evasion.

Well, color me impressed.

They don't call you "the fixer"
for nothing, Principal Goodman.

- Oh, go on.
- Tam! Tam!

Was that Geoffrey Quinn?

Oh, my God!

- Pam, have you seen our side door?
- Was he acquitted?

Oh, my God, Cattie.

This place looks incredible.
What did you do?

Is that you as Chairman Mao?

No! That's... that's... that's
Rachael Ray for home ec.

The only way back...

is the same way I got here.

Well, I got to say,

this place didn't look this
good when I was principal.

Maybe Smoot is better
off without me.

Well, there you have it
from the horse's mouth.

Now don't be afraid to write down
everything you saw here today, Pam.

Time to blow myself back in time

and save the good old U.S. of A.

Yippee-ki-yay, mother...

You son of a...

Oh, God damn it.

Prison riot! Prison riot!

- Quinn. Come on. Come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

It's okay. It's okay.

Aah!

- Oh, my...
- Oh.

You four! You did this!

My bad-luck charms!

This school is cursed, you hear?!
It's cursed!

Oh, can I quote you on that?

Get the out of our school, Pam!

I got to say, with
that kind of language,

there's no way they're gonna take
it easy on you in the press.

You angling to get your... your
job back there, Quinn, huh?

Is that what you're
trying to do?

'Cause nobody becomes principal
here at Smoot without my say so.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm
just happy to be out.

I'm... I'm eager to help
out in any way that I can.

Yeah, well good. Good, good.

'Cause you can be the janitor.

Here. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I'm the principal
of this school!

Cattie Goodman don't need
no jailbird coming in here

and fixing things, 'cause
Cattie Goodman is the fixer,

'cause... 'cause Cattie
Goodman fixes Smoot!

Pleasure doing business
with you, silver spoon.

Bitch.

Creme de menthe!

- Aah!
- What year is it?!

Of course he's naked!

You guys got to help me
defeat the North Koreans!

It is good to be back.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!