Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - White Guilt Trip - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss
this tomorrow! Yay!

So happy that you guys
are all here today,

especially the media.

Stop sucking up.

Quit stalling. Where are
the LaMar's Donuts?

At the end.

I'd like to introduce a new
section of our library

dedicated to the
history of Smoot High.

Okay, here I go.

Chugga-chugga-chugga
chugga-chugga-chugga

Chugga-chugga-chugga
chugga-chugga-chugga.



Smoot High!

I call it "The Smootsonian."

Because it's, like, cute.

It's like The Smithsonian,
but it's a...

Oh.

Thank you, Fairbell.

He's not laughing at you.

He read a "Marmaduke" earlier,

and it's just
catching up with him.

It's like, "Who's walking who?"

- He's, like, a horse.
- Yeah, okay, we get it.

Anyway, I found all this
stuff in our basement.

Can you believe that?

Including these slides.



Lights, please.

Here we go!

Okay, this is what our
school used to look like.

It says, "The School."
Isn't that adorable?

Uh, this is our founder
and first principal,

John "Big Whiskey" Chandler.

It was under his tutelage

that we became an
athletic powerhouse.

What?

So we weren't always
the Fighting Tariffs.

At one point, we were the...

- "Rappin'" Apaches.
- _

Isn't that cool?
Wicka-wicka-wicka?

Hey, Abbey, shouldn't
"rappin'" have two P's in it?

Wicka-wicka-wha?

- Holy - Wow.

We were the Smoot
High Raping Apaches?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

- Wow!
- That's all right.

The show is over.

- It's still on you.
- Oh, what.

Eddie, it's your sixth year here.
No one's impressed.

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

_

The Rapin' Apaches.

Who even names a team that?

Right, Rod, 'cause
no team in history

has never had a racist mascot.

Not like the Atlanta Braves

or the Washington Redskins
or the Cleveland Indians.

No, I meant cause the plural
of Apache is just Apache.

But yeah, whatever
you're saying, man.

- What's going on, guys?
- Oh, my God.

You smell like a Subway
sandwich shop at noon.

- Delicious.
- For?

They mean yeast. You
brewing, Loren?

No. What... Rod, come on!

Brewing beer at
school's illegal.

I would never do that.

- Hey, remember how Abbey's racist?
- Wait, I am not racist!

I love Native Americans.

I didn't create the Raping Apaches.
I just found it.

Excuse me, could you please watch
your language around the baby?

I'm sorry.

God, have I told you how
much I hate flour baby week?

It's not flour baby week.

It's "It Takes a Village
With Flour Babies" week.

Plus, it's important that
I teach my health kids

about being nurturing parents.

Isn't that right, Geremy?

That's right, daddy.

Oop. Little burp?

Uh, what kind of name is Geremy?

It's a combination of my
two favorite names...

Gary and Geremy.

Well, word's out.

Now libtard bloggers
everywhere are all up in arms

about this Apache nonsense.

There it is. You
know what, Cattie?

These libtard bloggers, they
have a right to be upset!

More and more voices
are silenced every day

by the entitled white man!

Shoemaker is right.

- You know, when I was growing up...
- Tammy, I'm talking.

You know, we have to
work harder as a people

to be more responsive

to the voices of our oppressed
brothers and sisters.

You know, sometimes I
feel invisible, too?

Again with the interrupting.
God!

Well, great. I lost
my train of thought.

Tammy Sherman, everyone.

Well, anyway,

seems the school
board had a pow-wow

about all the negative publicity

and are demanding we bring in a group
of Native American kids for the day.

Wait, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Native American kids are
coming here to Smoot?

Yeah, some B.S. photo-op
where we bring the kids in,

they smile, we take pictures,

blah-blah-blah, wah-wah-wah,
we're not racist anymore.

Are you kidding?

I've been preparing for
this my whole life.

What are they? Are they
Kiowa, Paiute, Shoshone?

No, no, no. Don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.

Well I'll be damned. You're
not entirely useless!

What do you say you
become our liaison

to Native American Affairs?

I would be honored.

God, this could usher in
a new era of tolerance!

Just take some pictures
and make us look good

while I visit this dang
reservation school.

Another dumbass demand
by the district.

Oh, and by the way,

the, uh, library will be closed,
uh, until further notice.

- Wait. Wh... wh-wh-why? why?
- Thank God.

Well, apparently, our library

is where all the Smoot
skeletons are buried.

Yeah.

Cattie, real quick, I'd
like to talk to you

about some changes
to the parking lot.

Oh, that's just, um, my reminder

that I have to get to class.

Nothing to do with brewing.

Hey, go Rapin' Apaches! Huh?

- Shh.
- Sorry, Geremy.

You know, Fairbell,
the library's closed,

and I don't have anything to do.

And I used to be a doula, so...

Congrats.

Well, I was actually
talking about

maybe helping you
with your class.

Oh, yeah, sure.

But first, you got to change
Geremy's poopy diaper.

Ohh!

Don't worry. It's just a Mr.
Goodbar.

Himalayan sea salt.

A little rose water.

And just a pinch of ancho chili.

- What?
- Hey, Don Michelob.

- I know what you're doing.
- Yeah.

- And you're doing it wrong.
- You know what, Rod?

When I need a consultation
on a 30 rack of Natty Light,

you'll be my first call.

But I'm actually working on
something above your pay grade.

Let me guess... amber
head, tinny after taste?

How'd you know that?

Are you a brewer?

Was. My passion now is
distilling creme de menthe.

Creme de menthe?

Can't you just buy that
for like $12 a bottle?

I make it for $11.50.

Although I've been
burned before.

Literally.

The combustion point of creme de
menthe is 88 degrees Fahrenheit.

- 88? That's like a warm spring day.
- Yeah.

That's why it's the most
dangerous of all the aperitifs.

That's why nobody
makes it anymore.

Oh, I thought it was
because it tastes like elf

Well, I can see my help
here isn't wanted.

No, no, no, Rod, I'm
just joking around.

You gotta help me, dude. I am
so close to perfecting this.

Come on.

All right. I'll help you.

- Yes!
- But if we're gonna do this,

we're gonna do this
the right way.

Okay.

Yeah.

What are you looking at?

Hello. My eyes are up here.

Thank you.

All right, now my mom
always taught me

that if you want to get
a baby to breastfeed,

sweeten the spout
with a little sugar.

Of course, sugar will
gum up the works,

so you just pop these
in the dishwasher.

Just like Mom used to make.

Okay, I think I'm
gonna stop you there.

Uh, do not put your breasts
in the dishwasher,

and you don't have to
trick babies with sugar.

Breastfeeding is the most
natural impulse that they have.

- I'm gonna stop you right there.
- Why?

I've been teaching this
class for seven years,

so I think I know a little bit
more about how breasts work.

Thanks for trying.

As a woman who's had actual breasts for...
nine years,

I think that I'm a
little more qualified

to talk about them.

I mean, have I actually
breastfed a baby? No.

But, you know, sometimes
the timing is not right,

no matter how much Tom's mom
wants you to have a kid.

So you sneak off during
Thanksgiving dinner

and you go to the Rite Aid
and buy a Plan B pill.

But Tom has an
actual family now.

I know that from Facebook!

But I'm happy for him.
I'm very happy for him.

Okay, thanks, Abbey,

for oversharing that
super-sad story.

We're gonna go to lunch.

When we get back, we're
gonna start our village.

Get ready to be parents.

Who doesn't love babies!

I know Tom does!

- Language.
- This is gonna be fun!

Move out of the way, Dawn!

Yes! Friends.

Welcome to Smoot.

Oh, this is great.
Come on, gather in.

Hi. My name is
William Shoemaker.

But you can call me Billiam.

Anyway, welcome to Smoot.

And what is your name?

Whoa, man. Todd.

Oh. You don't have to use

your Anglo oppressors'
name here, okay?

You feel free to use
your First Nation name.

First Nation? Oh, you
mean like the bank?

Oh, they just call
me Todd there.

No. No, your tribal name.

Ohh, right. My tribal name.

It's, um... Stands
Before Asshole.

That... That's funny.

Humor is rich amongst
your people.

I see now.

But then it would have to be
given all that you've endured.

Yeah.

Well, nice to meet you, Stands.

Your long, arduous
journey ends right here.

Okay. Where's your
lunch room at?

Yeah. God, of course,
you must be famished.

Please, this way. I've got a
surprise prepared for you.

This guy's oozing white guilt.

I know. This is
gonna be hilarious.

Aw, sweet, pizza.

What? Please.

As if I would ever
disgrace your ancestry

by serving you something
as vulgar as pizza.

No, in here, you will eat
as your ancestors ate.

And our harvest has
been bountiful.

Of course, today, we will
dine on fresh fruit,

some rice, pinyones,

and my personal favorite, crow.

- Crow?!
- Yeah, we just want pizza, dude.

Well, see, that's just the
brainwashing talking.

Shoemaker.

Tammy! With the
interrupting again.

Can't you see I'm busy
trying to rectify

our nation's greatest
racial injustice?

- Anyway...
- Shoemaker, come here.

Please, have a seat.

I'll be right back with
you in one moment.

What is it, Tammy?

I think you're missing the
point of your job right now.

This is a photo-op.

Just make these kids happy.

If they want pizza,
you give them pizza.

Save the P.C. political
for Facebook!

You know what, Tammy?

One of these days, you're
gonna know what it's like

to have someone treat
you differently.

And on that day, I hope there's
someone to stand up for you.

I really do.

Okay. We're all
gonna have pizza.

Because the establishment
wants you to have it,

so there you go.

- Wha...
- What the Shoemaker?

Hey, that's Geremy's lunch.

Yeah, Mr. Shoemaker.
Where your manners at?

You know, where are your...

I apologize, Debbie. I did
not see you sitting there.

You go ahead and enjoy.
Abbondanza.

What am I supposed
to feed my baby?

Well, now that nonsense
is out of the way,

what do you want to
do after lunch, huh?

Uh, perhaps a
little nature walk?

Maybe some traditional
hand game or something?

How about some b-ball?

Basketball. A white
man's sport, of course.

Well, fine, we'll play that.

But, uh, I will be having crow.

A little more gamey than
I thought it would be.

Ew.

Yeah, okay, this one
ate a cigarette butt.

The old Jack shack.

Mmm. You smell that?

Yeah, it smells like you, Rod.
A million tiny yous.

We did have some fun in
here, didn't we boys?

We did. But listen,
self-pleasuring aside,

we moved in here because
the terroir is perfect.

It's the windiest
spot on campus.

The humidity is
prime for brewing.

My God, Rod, that's incredible.

I'm getting, like, juniper,
just a hint of pine needles.

Is that the gloss from
a Hustler centerfold?

The taste of the land.

- Dude, it's really good stuff.
- Oh. Hey, guys.

Couldn't help but notice,
you don't have a sign,

and this shack seems repurposed.

Is this a craft brewery?

Hey, buddy, this is a private...

Yeah, I hadn't heard of it, so I
assume it's the new hot spot.

Rod, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah. $15 a beer.

$20.

- You bet your ass it's the new hotspot.
- All right.

Why don't you saddle up to the
bar, freelance graphic designer.

- You got it, man.
- And for God's sakes,

don't tell anybody
about this, all right?

Deal.

Why am I the one that always
has to diaper the baby?

Good job standing up for
yourself, Little Debbie.

Remember, it takes a village.

It's all about sharing and
caring and working together.

I got you, Coach.

Also, you're the girl, so you
have to change the diaper.

- What... Don't say that.
- You all said that you wanted...

to play basketball,
so let's hoop it up!

Looks like there's
a class going on.

That's all right. We'll
play around them. Come on.

Shoemaker, we're
teaching in here.

Eh, doesn't matter to us.

You, check out this trick
shot I picked up in Brooklyn.

Ooh.

You killed little Little Debbie.

Now, Debbie, technically
a basketball did.

- Debbie.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Shoemaker, look
what you've done.

What I've done?

We're using this gym
as it was intended.

We were here first!

Uh, actually, Abbey,
they were here first.

Oh, you know what I mean, you P.C.
Nazi!

- Oh, I'm the P.C...
- Yeah!

Guys, there's room
enough for everyone.

You know, I'm actually beginning
to think that there isn't.

But you know where there is?

Out on the football field.

Uh, I don't know. It's
really hot out today.

- And we have babies.
- Mm...

see, I wasn't asking you...
I was telling you.

Now move to the football field,

or I will fill the air
with so much flour baby,

the water fountains
will run white!

- I'd like to see you try.
- Let's just go.

- Fairbell!
- Let's go!

Haven't we seen enough
flour spilled today?

Ah! Not counting that one.

Daddy, my brain hurts.

First they take our pizza,
now they take our gym?!

We have to start standing
up for ourselves!

I will fight no more forever.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm not sure. It was
on the back of a Prius

that ran over my
foot this morning.

Let's just get out of here.

Your weakness disgusts me.

Touching combo, guys. I
really liked it a lot.

Now, get out!

Everybody, on your feet!

Time to move! Let's pack it up!

You know, I think you're really
gonna like the football field.

It's a beautiful,
sunny day out there.

You'll get plenty
of extra vitamin D.

Well, I could use the extra D.

Oh. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, I forgot.

You love the D, don't you?

Are you really
gonna do this now?

Yep. I love the D.

Just... take it on
my skin, on my face,

wherever I can get it.

- Yeah, you can.
- Just got your text.

- Is he still doing it?
- Yeah, it just started.

Oh, thank God.

Fairbell, say you're
in like a men's room

and there's no D available,

do you... drill a
hole in the wall

and just blindly accept
whatever D comes in?

Yes. Sounds like
a glorious hole.

That is terrific. Thank
you for texting me.

- You did the right thing.
- Not a problem.

- I got to go.
- All right.

See ya. Chattin' about D.

He's a real go-getter, huh?

Now get out!

We'll get right back to playing
basketball, I promise.

But I want you to witness
a little payback, huh?

Yeah, that's it.
Get on out there.

Pick it up.

You have finally gone insane.

If you keep biting people like
that, they're gonna bite you back.

Yap, yap, yap, yap.

Okay, enough with
your empty threats.

The gym doesn't belong
to you anymore.

Get out of here.
Get out of here!

This seems like an overreaction.

What?

No, this is progress, guys.

Okay? Your days of being
told "no" are over.

We should just let them
come back to the gym.

No.

- Sorry. What's the order again?
- Come on, man.

Sniff the rosemary, sip,
Marcona almonds, sip again.

Do I have to repeat everything?

God, this is going so well.

So well.

It's ridiculous.
There you go, sir.

Ooh.

Maybe too well. We're
gonna need more space.

Yeah, it's definitely
time to expand.

I don't know how Shoemaker
does this, you know,

it gets so sticky.

There you go. A
little extra for you.

All right! Gym to ourselves!

What happened to the lights?

Hello?!

Oh, well

the light switch is on the western
side of the gym here, so follow me.

Stay close.

Shh! Stop.

It's an ambush!

I warned you, Shoemaker!

Abbey, I should've known!

Awesome! Dodge ball in the dark!

They're throwing back
the flour at us!

They're throwing their babies!
These savages!

That's it! I'm calling
in the cavalry.

Shoemaker, this
better be important.

Cattie, it's about our guests.

Sweet all you got to do
is show 'em a good time!

Well, I'm trying to, but Abbey
is throwing babies at us!

I have no idea what that means.
Put me on speaker.

Abbey, this is
Principal Goodman.

Now, you stop teasing Shoemaker.
Do you hear me?

Yes.

Yeah, a-and tell her
to turn the lights on.

And turn on the damn lights

so that tattooed moron
don't piss himself.

Okay.

All right, th-thank you, Cattie.

Could have done without that
last part, but I appreciate it.

You're welcome. And, Shoemaker?

Yeah?

Do not make me look
like an idiot.

Okay.

Oh. My apologies.

I hope I did not
oppress you time-wise,

Principal Kneeling Sun.

It's Nealson.

Dang.

Why wouldn't it be?

Let's go, kids.

Yeah, you walk away.

I wouldn't be so proud of this
if I were you, you tyrant.

Tyrant. Hardly.

I'm the most liberal
person in this district.

Ha! Left unchecked, even
liberalism can turn into fascism.

Oh, really? Wow, that's
some great insight.

Where did you get that,
off the back of a Prius?

Actually, it was on the
back of a Kombucha bottle.

Thrown at me from the
back of a Prius.

Forget them. So you said
you wanted... Whoa!

Oh, God.

This place is a mess.

You guys want to play
football instead?

Wait/ No, we can't.

He just sent everyone
to the football field.

Oh, yeah, right.

So now you want
to play football.

Come on. Come on, we'll
go play some football.

He's gonna do something again.

I'm friends with the brewer.
What's up, bro?

Hello, buddy. Hey.

Great news, Rod.

I just applied for several
expansion permits.

[Laughs How did you
do that so fast?

Easy, I just used
my pop-up pub app.

It allows small business
owners like you and I

to open prohibitively expensive
pubs in impoverished neighborhoods.

Wow, how super specific.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. Where did you get it?

It's part of the
iGentrify suite of apps.

Like, Go-Go Yoga.

It allows small business
owners like you and I

to offer prohibitively
expensive fitness classes

in overweight and
impoverished areas.

- Like Michigan.
- Exactly.

And now I just wait for City
Comptroller Teresa Ortega

to sign off on this
thing, and we are go.

There it is.

We're in business, bud.

- We're expanding, everybody.
- Mm-hmm.

Free round of blood
orange IPAs, huh?

To the future! To the future!

Whoo!

D If you're happy
and you know it d

Bad news, Fairbell!

Yeah, you're gonna have
to move your kids again.

My kids? What about their kids?

We don't have
anywhere else to go.

No. We're not going anywhere.

Well, then I will be forced
to do the unthinkable.

Don't touch my son!

God, your finger's in my ear!

Is this your army, huh? A bunch
of women and flour babies?

And us.

Abbey, I didn't
think you'd come.

It takes a village,
right, Fairbell?

You know you could get
fired for this, Abbey.

Yeah? I'd rather be
courageous and fired

than a coward and employed!

A librarian? In this job market?

And they call us "braves."

Come on, guys.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, where are you...

I knew you'd run, Shoemaker!

Really, Abbey?

You want a battle?

Then a battle you shall have.

- Pardon me, pardon me.
- Whoa.

Sorry, guys, progress
coming through.

We were kind of in the
middle of something.

Yeah, my beer garden.

- What?
- Beer garden.

Zoning just came through.

Where you guys are standing

is going to be the beetle
kill pinewood tables.

Did you not see the
city council minutes?

Eh.

You guys, there was
a public hearing.

It's up to you to take an interest
in your local government.

This is on all of you.
Anyway, move it along.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey,

But where are we supposed
to go to have our fight?

I don't know. Just
don't do it here.

You know what?

Um, I actually kind of
like the grittiness

of what you have
going on right here,

so maybe do it nearby.

It'll up the cachet
of the brewery.

And don't block our view
of the mountains, okay?

Hey, Fairbell, let
me borrow that.

Wait, what... what...
what do you need it...

Ohh! No!

Geremy!!

No!!

A hell of a day to live
in Colorado, isn't it?

My son!

My son.

I'm so sorry.

I'll freeze you and wait
for science to catch up.

Look, Fairbell, I don't know how many
more times you want me to apologize.

I didn't know you had an emotional
attachment to this stupid flour bag.

You don't know what it's
like to lose a child

and then breathe them in.

Yeah, well, I think we all know
that the moral of the story here

is that gentrification
wins out every time.

Oh, give me a break.

Or is it that those who know
too much about the past

are doomed to repeat it?

No, I don't think so.

I think it's that
gentrification thing.

Gentrification is
such an ugly word.

We prefer the term
urban outfitting.

- I'd like you to use that.
- I call it...

Well, that certainly was
a show yesterday, huh?

You go out of your
way to fit in,

and they get all offended

when you ask about
discount turquoise.

Well, the important thing is
we got the photo-op we needed.

And crisis averted.
Library's back open.

- Oh, yes!
- Damn it.

What photo-op?

Oh, that's right.

Mr. Shoemaker, I just
want to say thank you

for doing such a great job.

Well, you know what?
It is about time.

- Thank you, Cattie.
- Actually,

I was the one that
took the picture.

It was the only damned
thing we needed.

Damn, Tam, you do
interrupt a lot.

Right? I can play.

- I can play.
- Downtown.

Anyway, there is another
crisis on the horizon.

It seems that somebody's running

some kind of craft brew
pub here on campus.

Anybody got an ear on that?

Uh, I swear it wasn't me.

If I found out
who's responsible,

bet your bottom dollar,
there'll be hell to pay.

Cattie Goodman out. Mm!

It's not illegal,
'cause we're in Nevada.

_

Damn it.

Everybody out!

I said out!

If you want to keep your
limbs, you better run!

This ship is going down!

I do know what it's
like to lose a child.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!