Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Plains High School Drifter - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

Whoo! Smoot, Smoot! Woop, woop!

Smoot, Smoot! Woop, woop! Yeah!

All right!

This Friday, you Tariffs are
gonna do something on this field

that has not been
done in 15 years...

beat Chatwood High! Whoo!

14 years! '02 was canceled
on account of lighting.

I'm sorry. Did I make
marmalade, Martha?

Not excuses... What? Sss!

That was good, though.



Now, I want you to help me
welcome the living legend,

former Denver
Broncos placekicker

Mr. "Iron Toe" Todd Timmons!

What?! Are you serious?!

Iron Toe!

Everybody make some noise for
your new head football coach!

Iron Toe's our new head coach?!

Oh, my God!

That is... disgusting the
way you people react

and figure some
knuckle-dragging Neanderthal

graces us with his presence...

Hey! Iron Toe is
second to no one, bro.

He got kicked out of the AFC
championship game for tripping.

You can get thrown out
of a game for tripping?



Yeah, on acid, you can.
He was out of his mind.

Blasting it east-west, He
didn't know what he was doing.

Now, I have given Iron Toe
complete authority over Smoot

in exchange for a
guaranteed victory!

Guaranteed!

That's what I'm talking about!
Broncos style, y'all.

And let me tell you what.

It's great to be on
the field again.

What's your name there, Radio?

- Go, Brady!
- Brady!

- Brady!
- Go, Brady!

Brady.

All right, Brady. Tell you what.

- How would you like to hold that ball...
- Brady.

While I belt that son
of a bitch 60 yards?

- Would that be a hoot or what?
- Uh... I don't really...

All right, let's do it! Hey!

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Okay, keep it... up.

He's going east-west!

You guys, this is
a statement kick!

I clip your wing
there, milquetoast?

What are you, sick or something?

I have celiac disease, but it's
actually pretty easy to manage.

Iron Toe! Iron Toe!

Iron Toe made a dying
kid's wish come true!

- Whoo!
- Hey, it's just celiac disease.

- This feels like a dream.
- Oh, you're not dreaming, Fairbell.

This is a damn
mile-high miracle.

Stuffed Bill Romanowski
into a circus cannon,

shot him right into a fourth-floor
window of the Patriots' hotel.

I'm gonna keep this
in mint condish.

Thank you so much.

Hey, you're just the kind of
stupid we need on this team.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Thank you.

- Whatever, whatever.
- Smoot Pride.

Mr. Iron Toe... Loren Payton.
I'm your biggest fan.

East by East-West"...

that's not just a
documentary, that is art.

Did you even know that you
were kicking east-west?

I didn't even know I
was playing football.

Wow. In my spare time,

um, I like to draw
up football plays.

And, look, I know I'm not
in the NFL or anything...

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

If you're asking me to
have a look at 'em...

I'd be honored.

- He's a saint.
- Are you serious?

- You got it.
- He's a saint.

My goodness!

- Did you hear that?
- Coach Toe, what else can

we do to secure a win?!

You know, if I had free
rein here at Smoot,

the first thing I would do is I'd
get our eight All-District players

off of academic probation,
back out on that field.

Well, that's a great
idea, little buddy!

Tell you what.

Why don't you go ahead
and do that for me?

Yeah, okay, I will.

The only problem is that road runs
right through, uh, Shoemaker's class.

See, he's failing
every one of 'em.

Damn right I am.

Those kids tried to get the Smoot
Jazz Club to take all their tests.

As long as I'm here, those steroid
Sherpas will never play...

guarantee you that.

You know what? I think I
got a quick fix for this.

- What's that?
- You're fired.

What?

Why are you laughing?
You can't fire me!

Under what authority?

Cattie, tell him
he can't fire me.

I can't hear a ghost!
You're dead to me!

This is bull, okay?!

You have not seen the
last of Billy Shoemaker.

Hey, Shoemaker! We never
exchanged numbers!

Oh, God.

You'll never get rid of me!

You got this, girl.

This can't be worse than Teach
For America in Detroit.

Aah! Ah!

Roll it down! Who are you?!

- Oh, oh!
- What are you do...

Are you that hermit crab that's
come to live in my shell?!

No. I'm Tracey.

I'm just a substitute
history teacher.

"No, I'm Tracey.

"I'm just a substitu..."

"I'm Tracey."

Yeah, that's it, 'cause
you go up at the end.

What are you doing?

What do you mean what am I doing?
I'm becoming you!

That and I'm wearing about
five pounds of makeup

from the guy who did
"Leprechaun Five."

Now give me your
substitute teacher orders!

- Wait, no! No! Aah!
- Yeah, give me these!

Now get out of here, Tracey!
This is a pain

- you do not want to be a part of!
- I don't want pain.

- Go! Get out of here!
- I don't want pain.

Oh!

Oh. Uh, you must be
Shoemaker's sub.

H... Oh. Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi. Tracey.

Hi! Abbey!

Wow. It is so nice to finally
have another woman here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yas, queen.

Oh, my God. Your
hair is so pretty.

It's like it's not even real.
Can I...

- Oh, thank you.
- Touch it?

Why don't you mind your own...

Ha ha ha! I'm just kidding with you.
I was joking.

Yeah, it's just so
hard to hear in here,

because your hair
has so much volume.

- May I touch yours?
- Of course you can.

Speaking of coarse... like a
reservation dog or something.

I'm being so basic right now.

Oh, my God! I love you!

You're such a Shosh!

What does that mean?

Oh, from the TV show "Girls."

That's something that
Shoshanna would say!

Yes! Oh, my God, yes.
I love "Girls."

But not like that, not like that at all.
I mean, I love being a girl.

Yes, and bleeding and not
having a weird penis.

Oh.

Girl, I have seen
the weirdest penis.

- Oh, you don't say.
- Yeah.

All right, everybody
take a knee.

Everybody on your knees!

- Relax, foul ball, I was making a joke.
- Oh!

- Everyone off your knees!
- All right, come on! Get up.

FYI... those three
handicapped spots out front

are now coach's parking/loading
zone for my truck.

Actually, I think that
we're legally obligated

to keep those spots available...

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
Tell you what.

Why don't you just go fetch
me a Frosty, okay, Wendy?

And get me one, too, while you're
there, and a Biggie fries!

- Just shut up.
- Fuzz butter...

grab that printer, load
her into my truck.

Roger. Got it!

Hey, I don't know
if it's gonna fit,

'cause we put all those
computers in there.

Just jam it in there!!
You're my man, okay?

- Gotcha.
- All right.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second. So,
you're stealing our printers?

Look, just who in the...

Hello, gorgeous.

What?

No, I'm, uh, not stealing them.

I need them to print
up some playbooks.

Right, gang?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

All right. Thanks, guys!

It's good to be back
in Bronco Country.

- All right!
- Whoo! Whoo!

I'm Iron Toe. Who might you be?

Full of surprises.

I'm Tracey.

Enchante.

Say, uh, Tracey...

Yeah?

This must be an
Outback Steakhouse.

Yeah? Why's that?

'Cause those two
onions are bloomin'.

Well, this is hard to endure.

I should probably
get to class now.

'Kay. Bye!

I hate to see her go, but I
love to watch her leave.

And I'd... like to
see her coming.

- Yeah, it was a good one, fuzz bump.
- Yes!

All right, let's rock.

Class, that is why
Amnesty International

listed Leonard Peltier's case

as one of its most
unfair in history.

- See, now, that makes sense.
- Yes!

Our last teacher was,
like, the worst ever.

Listen, perhaps you should
be a little more mindful

of those who aren't here
to defend themselves!

Yes, ma'am.

"Ma'am"?

What does that mean?

Oh, hey there, dollface.

I just need a minute
in Shoemaker's desk,

then I'll be out of hair.
Okay, babe? Sound good?

- Hey!
- Jesus.

- First of all, - God!

I have a name, and it is Tracey.

- And what can I help you with?
- Well, okay, Tracey.

Don't get your
panties in a bun...

Hey, you look familiar.

- What?
- Have we met before?

- No, I think we have met before.
- No, no.

- Dave Matthews.
- What?

- Red Rocks.
- I don't like...

Yeah, you're that
CrossFit chick.

We got to third base in
the New Belgium tent.

Oh, I think I would have remembered
hooking up with you, Loren.

- Ring a bell?
- No.

You know, I was about
six Fat Tires deep.

- Mm-hmm.
- Could have been a dude

for all I knew at that point.

Too close.

Hey, wait, how did you
know I'm named "Loren"

if we've never hooked up?

Oh, well, because...

everybody knows that Loren is
the coolest guy in school.

- Yeah, that does check out.
- Yeah.

Tracey, you seem pretty chill.
I need a favor.

My friend is "Iron
Toe" Todd Timmons...

Well, unfortunately, your friend is a
douche bag, so there will be no...

- Excuse me?
- Excuse you.

Iron Toe is not a douche bag.
He's a Denver Bronco.

And you will show the
appropriate respect damn it.

- I will show nothing of the sort!
- Ow!

What I will do is take my
power back as a woman!

So you take your
oppressive penis

and your power-hungry male ego

and you just step
on out that door,

'cause I am woman, hear me roar!

All right, Tracey.

You are so, so lucky

that I would never hit
a pregnant chick.

- Hi!
- Hi!

I got you ice blended.

Oh. That is so nice,
but no thank you.

- I'm watching my figure.
- Oh, you look great!

- Really? You think so?
- Yeah!

'Cause this body-image stuff
is an f'ing roller coaster.

Ugh! Tell me about it. Sometimes
I look in the mirror,

and I just want to slap the Red
Vine right out of her hand.

- Oh, my God!
- 'Sup, sluts?

- Ugh.
- Oh, God.

Hey, uh, want to head over to
my office, quick grope sesh?

You're disgusting.

Relax. Why don't you have another Red
Vine while I talk to your niece here.

- Haven't you heard "No means no"?
- As for you, darling,

when you're done
with Nana over here,

you know where to find me.

- Ow! My God.
- Jackass.

- What the hell was that?
- Ugh.

And what am I feeling?
Vulnerability, dehumanization.

Aww.

It's like I want to
punch him in the face,

but I feel like I
brought this on myself.

That is the perfect definition
of sexual harassment.

- I feel that every day.
- No, you don't.

Yes, I do! Every man here
is obsessed with me!

Well, it doesn't matter anymore,
'cause I am gonna get Iron Turd.

I'm gonna go report him, and
they'll have to believe me.

I'm the female victim here.

Tracey!

It's like it's your
first day as a woman!

What?

You think they'll believe
us over a famous athlete?

Yes. They have to.

That's hilarious!

Okay, well, then I'll have
to get hard evidence.

- Uh-huh.
- That'll bring Shoemaker back.

Why are you so obsessed
with Shoemaker?

He's gone. It's more
like "Whomaker."

Yeah, women are funny.
That's good.

No, I've seen a lot of people really
missing him around here, yeah.

And I heard he had a hot bod.

Oh, oh, that's it.
Maybe you're thinking

of Denny Shoemaker or something.

You know what? I'll
take that blended now.

Enough. Zzt! Okay?

What the hell are
you looking at?

Oh, my God! It's
so clean in here!

Where is that grade book?

No, why don't you learn
to watch your mouth?

Hey, have you ever got your ass
kicked by a lady in lime green?

God, this place is a cesspool.

Oh, my feet.

Oh, that feels good.

Maybe I'll let the pugs
in the yard to breathe.

Ohh!

Oh, my... okay! You're a man!
You're a man!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- It's fine.

I'm just gonna walk away.
I didn't see anything.

Hey! It's me, Shoemaker!

Shoemaker? What are you doing?

I'm getting my damn job back!

- By Mrs. Doubtfiring yourself?
- I'm Danish Girling myself!

This is desperate,
man, even for you.

This isn't about me. It's
about women everywhere.

Oh, just 'cause you put on a wig

and some barely passable prosthetics,
which never worked on me,

- Oh, it didn't for you. Right.
- Not even for a second...

does not make you a woman.

I am most certainly
a woman, okay?

I've been sexually harassed into
some sort of an eating disorder.

Everywhere I go, people keep
telling me to smile more,

and my paycheck is 70% of
what it was last week.

Now, don't you tell
Cattie that I did this.

- I'm gonna tell everybody.
- You wouldn't dare.

Unless you change those
players' grades, Sheneneh.

Fine.

Thatagirl. And would
it kill you to smile?

Hey, Tambourine. Do you
know where Iron Toe is?

Not showing up is where he is.

He's not doing anything
to help this team.

Oh, please, like fulfilling
that dying child's last wish?

Brady's not dying. He's
got celiac disease.

He just can't eat gluten.

Well, I don't give a.

Look, winning a football game

is like clapping to
keep Tinker Bell alive.

It only works if you believe.

Now, the players...

they believe in Iron Toe because
we believe in Iron Toe.

If we start questioning the Toe,

then the kids are gonna lose
faith and Tinker Bell dies.

Do you want to kill a fairy or
do you want to win a damn game?

- Win a damn football game.
- Well, then, come on!

Clap your hands, Tammy! Come on!

First off, I am not
clapping my hands.

And second, I think your Tinker
Bell is more of a Captain Hook!

He's casing the place!

- Oh, please!
- Quick question.

Anyone here in the market for
a gently used laser printer?

Like the one missing
from the AV room?

You know, uh, if you want
to accuse me of something,

I'd be happy to go help another
high school win, like, let's say...

Chatwood.

Then go.

There's no need to intimidate.

Why don't you sit down, Tammy?

Um, you have 100% of
our support, Coach.

Whatever you need, you
got it right here.

All right. Thanks, Sugar.

- Iron Toe! There you are. Great news!
- Uh-huh. Okay.

All those All-District players... I got
'em eligible for the football game.

Great. Thanks, guy. Good.
Good. Real good.

Yeah, some of the
players were hoping

that maybe you'd come
coach a little bit or...

No, I'm kind of busy
with Foul Ball here,

but, uh, why don't you just, uh,
run 'em through some plays, okay?

Oh, you mean plays like these?

I've been working on
these my whole life.

- Have you, now?
- You might recognize some of these

from the '87 championship
season, right?

Very familiar, yeah.

Look, I'd love to stick
around and chat,

but, uh, I've got to take the
Browns to the Super Bowl.

That's the coolest way
you could say that.

Hey... hey... hey!

Oh, don't kill Tinker Bell, Tammy.
Please.

Iron Toe?

Why don't you take a picture?
I'll last longer.

Where is Iron Toe?

Hey, Coach, your
street meat's here.

I'm gonna kill you.

Hey.

Go flush your desk, Fish Bone.

Right.

So, where can I do you for?

Well, I was in my room thinking perhaps
I've been a little bit coy with you.

But, um, I just get so
easily embarrassed and shy.

You want to know something?

What's that?

I was this close to
whipping up a batch

just thinking about you.

So hard to believe
you're single.

So, ready to meet the
original Barrel Man?

Just as long as I can film it.

- Oh, a freak, huh?
- Maybe.

Since you're pregnant,

I won't have to
wear a sock, right?

Uh, shouldn't we be out
warming up with the team?

Relax, Four Balls. Everyone's distracted.
This is our chance.

Now, where does Cattie
keep the valuables?

- There's a treasure drawer.
- All right, boys. We got this.

Iron Toe'll be here any
minute, start this ballgame.

It's locked.

Hold my shoe.

Come on, sweetie pie.
Talk to me.

There it is.

Ohh!

- Would have been good from 70.
- The mother lode.

It's all right. He'll show up.
He'll be here He'll be here.

- So, what's happening? Where's Iron Toe?
- Last time I saw him was this morning.

He was in the boy's locker room.

He was painting the
whole thing red.

Wrote "Hell" on the wall...
badass.

What's all this crap?
Where's the cash?

Right here... Uncle
Jake's pizza cash.

Not pizza cash the... the money!
Where is it?

The money? I guess at the bank,
where regular money lives?

You mean to tell me I've
been working this school,

and all I get for it is a
printer, some laptops,

and your grandfather's
crappy watch?!

You've been stealing from the
school this entire time?

We've been stealing from the school
this whole time, you dumb piece of...

But we bled it dry.

I'm out of here.

Take care, Fairbell.

He called me "Fairbell."

Hey, Smoot, we got to
get this game going.

Where's your coach?

Oh, no, no, no! This is
not happening to me.

Hey, don't worry about it.
He's a Bronco.

Broncos always show up.

- You got two minutes.
- He'll be here.

Oh, he better be, because I
am not gonna look like a fool

in front of 40 reporters.

- 41... 42...
- Fairbell!

Nothing! No one!

Fairbell, I know you have
something in your pocket.

I could care less right now.
Where is Iron Toe?

He's gone. He left.

- What?!
- What?!

He did remember my name,
though, before he left.

He said, "You are one dumb piece of...
Fairbell."

- So, you're telling me that Iron Toe...
- Oh, no.

Had enough faith in me to step up and
coach the game of my goddamn life?

No, he said, "I've bled this
school dry, and I'm leaving."

- I'll do it. I'll do it for Iron Toe.
- I remember. He... he made me promise.

- Oh, my...
- And for the Broncos.

"I bled this school dry,

- "and now I'm"...
- And for Smoot Nation!

Loren, you better fix this.

Don't you worry, Cattie. I
have got one hell of a plan.

It's girls of the PAC-10.

Ass!

Hey did the bars just let out?

That's hilarious, Abbey.

No, where is Iron Toe?
I've got that bastard.

Oh, haven't you heard?

Iron Toe looted the
school and just took off.

- S-So Iron Toe is gone?
- Yeah.

You mean... I did all
that for nothing?

Did all what?

Oh, gosh, honey!

No, no, no, no! It's fine.

No, I'm probably just
gonna, um, go home

and shower forever, you
know, or something.

I'll see you later. 'Kay, bye!

- Bye!
- Aaaah!

All right, boys, we're gonna throw
the whole goddamn playbook at 'em.

They're not gonna know what hit 'em.
Every single one of these routes.

We're gonna throw the
Deal and Dug at 'em.

We're gonna throw the "Celebrity
SportsCenter" at 'em.

What appears to be a sperm is not.
It's a player route this way.

- Coach.
- You zig, you za...

A lot of these plays are
pretty complicated.

Exactly. If you
guys are confused,

imagine how lost
they're gonna be, huh?

Now, let's go out
there, Smoot High,

and let's play some
Fighting Tariff football

using these plays, huh?

On three, "Break." One, two, three...
Smoot High!

Get out there! Get out there!
Do it right.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not a double reverse.

Oh, oh! Great, great!

That's great! That's
a great play!

What are you doing, 3-7? What,
are you throwing to me?!

What the is going on out here?

That's dog That's dog

I didn't realize I'm
like the out here

trying to play the
game of football!

I am livid. I can't
even do this.

You know what? Y'all coach.

Y'all just coach,
you're so smart.

I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.

I was trying to loosen
it up around here.

What the hell are you doing
out there, Bill Belisuck?

Cattie, these kids are idiots.

It's like they've never seen
the '87 AFC championship game.

It's hopeless, all right?
It's hopeless!

Un... unless... I got
one more perfect play.

Unh-unh-unh, you
had your chance!

Now it's the Cattie
Goodman show.

Put in the dying kid.

Cattie... that's brilliant!

Nobody's gonna remember the
final score after that.

They're just gonna
remember Brady,

the little bummer boy.

Exactly. That type of stuff
always makes the news.

Hey, Brady! Suit up.
You're going in.

This is gonna be so great.

Hey, how'd you convince
Chatwood's coach

to, uh, make sure the
players let Brady score?

When would I have done that? I
just came up with it just now.

Oh, God.

Uh... uh...

Call him on your headset! Call
the other coach on the headset.

That isn't how this works!
This is plugged into my iPod.

- I'm listening to Weezy right now.
- Are you stupid?

- Clap if you believe.
- What?!

Just do it! Clap if you believe!

Clap, guys. Clap it out!

- Clap if you believe!
- Clap it out if you believe. Clap.

That's it!

Brady! Brady! Brady!

Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady!

Brady! Brady! Brady! Brady!

I caught it.

Unh!

Walk it off, son! Walk it off.

- He's okay!
- Oh, yes! Thank you, Jesus!

- Thank you, Jesus!
- He's all right.

Damn it.

Well, this was one
gigantic show.

Mr. Payton,

I'm gonna guarantee you
something right now.

You're never gonna coach
for this team again.

What? You have to give
me one more shot.

Well, let me think about it, okay?
No!

I'll tell you one thing...

you have not seen the
last of Coach Payton.

Okay, I'll bite. What is it?

I miss Tracey.

- What are you...
- It's like I still smell her.

Oh, my God, Abbey. Okay, listen.

Tracey was...

What?

She was in the parking lot
when I was on my way back in,

and wanted me to tell you

that she thought you
were best friends,

and that your periods
had finally synched up.

Oh, my God! I knew it!

That is so me and Tracey.

Hey, guys, just got back from
visiting Brady at the hospital.

Good news... they got his
head back on the right way.

That is good news. Yeah.

Bad news... someone, and
they don't know who,

gave him one of the last
of my cinnamon rolls

and got really sick.

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, hey, there,
teachers I don't know.

I'm Susie, a girl football coach
who plays by her own rules.

Excuse me? My tits
are right here...

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!