Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Foreskin in the Game - full transcript
Shoemaker seeks emergency medical help from Abbey; Fairbell takes on a role assisting Cattie, Smoot's new principal; and Loren is left alone in the dust.
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Little bit thorny, but I got it.
- Usual spot?
- Yep.
And, uh, fill her up, all right?
- She's almost out of gas.
- Roger that.
Whatever's the most
expensive, okay?
Like I haven't done
this 100 times.
Hey, Fairbell, do not
eat my Tic Tacs, okay?
Or I get burned with
the cigarette lighter.
Or you get burned with
the cigarette lighter.
- Hey, have a great day!
- Yeah, it's a little late for that.
- You should have seen Starbucks.
- God damn show.
Ah, ah.
Ah!
Ah.
You showed them all, Shoemaker.
You're never too old to make the
Cincinnati Bengals' practice squad.
Ha-ha-ha. Very funny, all right?
I had a vasectomy, and I'm just having
a little trouble with the stairs.
You had a vasectomy?
Aren't those supposed
to be un-invasive?
Okay, I wouldn't know. It's
my first one, all right?
Now, if you'll excuse me...
Why are there no ramps
at this school?
- Your hoodie from the dry cleaners.
- Well, it's about time, Fairbell.
Oh, you're just gonna
hand it to me?
- Not gonna put it on?
- Oh, right, right.
You want to be concierge,
you have to think
about that level of detail.
What if this was a
diplomat's top hat?
- Look at me move now.
- Now you're screwed,
- 'cause he's late for his meeting.
- Not gonna hold me down.
Not gonna hold me back.
There we go.
What are you looking at?
Get to class!
Let's move it!
Nothing to see here.
D Quit wasting my time d
d I ain't here for you d
d I'm just putting in work d
d Till my day is through d
What motivated this
vasectomy all of a sudden?
My new lady and I had
a pregnancy scare.
Ugh, Doris?
What, did a dried gourd
fall out of her?
- She was late.
- Yeah, by 35 years.
Irregardless, I did the right
thing, and I went and got snipped.
- I'm just having some complications.
- These are more than complications.
- You're immobile.
- Here's your coffee.
Just the way you like it...
21 grains of organic sugar.
She's way too old for you,
and that is a problem.
Mm, no. Way too hot.
Way too hot.
If you dated someone
your own age,
you wouldn't have these sort of
geriatric ailments plaguing you.
- She's not that much older than me.
- Try now.
She's four or five
decades older than you.
Mmm. That's perfect.
I'm getting a hint of apple.
Close... Apple Jacks.
Who the hell ate my snack peas?!
Answer me!
You could just have some of
Shoemaker's crotch peas.
Fairbell. Oh, God, shut up.
These are mine!
States so clearly on the
label, "Trip's peas!"
- It did say "Trip's peas."
- Yeah, he labeled them.
Whoa.
Did you just get back
from Grandma's house?
Whoa, cool cape.
Oh, this thing? I got
it at Anthropologie.
You mean, Forever 31?
- High-five me.
- Ahh, ah.
- God.
- Hey, y'all.
I thought I'd bring in
some fudgy bacon doughnuts
to get your motors running.
Who are you?
And what have you done
with Principal Quinn?
Dan, as I've already explained
to you several times
in the parking lot this morning, I'm
the new principal, Cattie Goodman.
I was hired by the district
to fix this school.
Now, y'all don't have
to be scared of me.
I am as sweet as sugar.
Now, come on. Who's gonna give
me the dirt on Smoot, huh?
How about you, handsome? You
want some of this? Huh? Oh, ooh.
A-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
I am so glad that you asked
this, Principal Goodman.
There are parts of this school
that are grossly under funded.
Uh, music, art, the library.
Oh, I guess we know how
the librarian feels.
You know, I had you pegged as a ginger
witch the moment I saw that cape.
This is a pashmina cloak.
Said the witch.
- Yeah.
- Abbey has a point.
We need to take some of those funds from
the sports and give them to the arts.
That's what I was gonna do.
Now, Ms. Sherman,
could you please tell me what the
sign says on that door over there?
Mr. Payton takes it in the "A."
No, above that. Above that.
- Mr. Shoemaker gives it in the "A."
- No, above that.
Y'all, where are all
these signs coming from?
It says "teacher's lounge."
And I'm sorry, but the last time I
checked, you were my, hmm, secretary.
- Ooh.
- Now, why don't you be a lamb
and go in my office and unpack
some of those boxes for me now?
Now, anybody have
anything "constructive"
- they'd like to add?
- Oh, me, me!
- No.
- Yeah.
I love it here at Smoot. I
wouldn't change a thing.
I always tell people,
"kids are gonna be kids."
Now that's the kind of straight
talk you can set your watch to.
Come here, mustache. I want
you to go for a walk with me,
- 'cause I'm gonna pick your brain.
- It's gonna be a short walk.
Hey, Fairbell, where you going? You
have to copy my third period quizzes.
- Dude, where are you going?
- You guys, she called me a witch.
It's like I'm... I'm starting
to get this wierd feeling
that maybe she doesn't like me. I'm
probably reading too much into it
- What?
- She hates you.
I like you.
Dan, gross.
You should let Dan see
under your cloak.
- Will you shut up?
- Aah!
How was Harry Potter
Land, by the way?
The problem I have with reading
is that you have to read so much.
I've been saying that for years!
- Well, this is my Thunderdome.
- Ah.
This gym reminds me of
Willicot County High.
Go Segregates!
- I was a basketball cheerleader.
- Pffft, what?
I was a basketball cheerleader.
Hmm...
Boom! Boom!
Pow! Pow! Tsssssst.
Now you're speaking my language!
You know what? In all the years I've
been whipping schools into shape,
the one thing that
I have learned
is that the athletics department
is the backbone of any school.
Now you're speaking my language.
Yeah, but I can't help noticing you
got periods one through five off.
What do you say you help me out?
I can't. I usually use
that time to help Loren.
- He has a lot of small emergencies.
- Loren? Who's she?
He's the coolest guy in school.
Come on, Fairbell.
I need a strong man with a...
masculine name like...
Fairbell.
- Now I'm speaking your language.
- Yeah, all right. Sure, sure.
So, it's settled then?
- You'll be my new assistant?
- Now, we're speaking...
Okay, why don't we do
quiet time now, okay?
- And I can still hear you.
- _
I was so quiet though.
Oh, I can't believe I'm here.
There's no easy way
to put this, I...
Your vasectomy's causing
you agony, yeah.
I saw you crab-walk into
school this morning.
It's a little more
complicated than that.
See, I went in for a
vasectomy, but then for $75,
the doctor upsold me to
a reverse circumcision.
- A French bris?
- Yeah.
You actually let a
doctor do that to you?
My parents just
took my foreskin.
- They never even asked.
- Okay, this is fantastic.
- Let me have a look.
- I'm not gonna just...
All right, let me have a look-see.
Come on. Drop it.
Oh, well, I am blown away by
your professionalism, Doctor.
Yeah, well, that's the last time
you'll be blown anytime soon, so...
Ha-ha-ha. What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Relax, it's for medical purposes.
Oh, come on.
- You better not post that on Facebook.
- Like I'm gonna do that.
God. You're so paranoid.
And...
- What is that?
- What's what?
- What was that sound?
- What sound?
What are those sounds?
What are those beeps?
- What's happening? That...
- What are you talking about?
What's that dinging? It
sounds like a notification.
- There's not a sound going on.
- It sounds like...
- Where'd they, uh, get the skin from?
- I'm not quite sure.
The doctor just had a bunch of color
swatches draped over his wrist.
I'm somewhere between rustic
barn and Christmas ham.
Yeah, well, now looks
more like old penny
'cause your body is
clearly rejecting this.
Well, I'm not gonna give it back
just because I'm having
some slight reaction to it.
Okay, there is nothing slight about
what's going on down there right now.
Looks like your penis is wearing
capicola as a turtleneck.
- Oh, God.
- All right, sorry, buddy.
There is nothing that Western medicine
can do for you at this point.
- What?
- Okay.
Oh, well, thanks for
nothing, you quack.
- All right, okay.
- Oh, God.
- Why did I show you my penis?
- I don't know.
Get back to doping ball
players, you loser.
All right. Well, don't play with it.
You're only making it worse.
- That was close.
- Yeah a little too close if you ask me.
- I'm not asking. I'm telling.
- Hey, look at that.
- Up to 115 "Likes."
- Ooh, nice. Share it with me.
- Wait, we're not Facebook friends?
- We're not.
- We're not Face... I'm over the limit.
- How are we not Facebook friends?
- You're at the 5,000 friends?
- I have 5,000 friends.
Okay, you know most
of those are bots.
- They are not bots.
- They are definitely...
- Those are all fine friends.
- They're definitely a bot.
- What do you want me to do with this?
- Text it to me.
- Copy that.
- All right, cool.
Easy on me. Go easy.
Well, Fairbell's MIA.
Missed our third period game of catch,
which is nuts, 'cause he lives for that.
Geez, if I could just
get the stream started.
- It's like an Elmer's glue bottle.
- Exactly.
He's been glued to Cattie's
side since this morning.
Saw them walking through
the quad earlier.
He had this stupid
smile on his face.
- It was pathetic.
- There's no control.
I know. I can't
control him anymore.
I guess I didn't realize how
reliant I've become on Fairbell.
Like, right now for example... How
do I know when I'm finished peeing?
- Oh, God.
- He usually dabs me dry.
Stay on. Don't go anywhere. Please.
Don't go anywhere.
I'm not gonna stay here.
I'm done peeing.
Now there's no mint, no
cigarette, no cologne.
Guess I'll just wash my own hands.
Perfect.
What have I done?
Fairbell!
- There you are.
- Jesus Christ!
Well, that looks
historically accurate.
Where the hell have you been? I have had
several small emergencies this morning.
I'm sorry. Cattie has me super
busy redecorating her office.
Cattie, Cattie, Cattie.
It's all you talk about.
You missed our game of catch.
Wait, you weren't playing
Cattie, were you?
- What? No.
- Dude, were you?
Look, she's just a new
little lady in town
who said she needs a big
man to help her out.
Yeah, exactly. So why
is she coming to you?
- Don't you think that's suspicious?
- Dude, squeeze this.
- Fairbell. Move your asses, molasses.
- Squeeze this.
- Why's our savior on the floor?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, this is the Loren I
was telling you about.
Oh. Oh, you're Loren.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my mistake.
I thought you might be a
lady with a name like that.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm sorry.
Are you one of those... oh,
what is the proper term?
I keep forgetting. Uh...
tranny genders?
Okay, that is definitely not the
proper term, and, no, I'm not.
Oh, well, don't get your
ball-hiding panties in a twist.
- They're Sean John's.
- Hey, Fairbell.
How about lunch...
you and I, my treat?
- Ruby Tuesday's, the clean one.
- What?
- What, the clean one?
- Yeah.
I love that place. I'm... I'm straight
up hooked on their rib plates.
Oh, well, I'm sorry,
Laura, but, uh,
the caddy only holds two, and,
uh, I like to stretch out. So...
Cattie's caddy.
- I get it. I get it.
- Did you get that?
- Cattie's caddy.
- You like it? I know.
Cattie's caddy. Ca...
Well, honey, we can't miss
you if you don't leave.
There you go.
I'm sorry about this.
I think it's okay.
- It didn't break.
- Oh, no worries.
J.C.'s been through worse.
Believe me.
- What do you mean?
- Oh, you don't know?
Oh, he was savagely
beaten by Jews.
Yeah, I'll tell you the
whole story on the ride.
Gave him highlights myself.
How about a pie?
- Hey, Abbey.
- Hmm?
Listen, the library doesn't have any
books on, like, potions, elixirs, or...
- Yeah, I get it. I'm a witch.
- What? No.
Nobody gives a about your
stupid problems, okay?
I'm having an abnormal medical
condition, and I need help.
- Really? What?
- Okay, well, a friend of mine...
- I know it's you.
- Okay.
But you can't tell
anybody, all right?
I went in and I had a vasectomy,
- and they upsold me to a French bris.
- What's that?
I had the top hat put
back on Lincoln.
You had a reverse circumcision?!
- Keep your voice down, okay?
- No, no, no, no. I will help you.
- I'm basically a doctor.
- You are a doula.
That is in no way a doctor.
- No, that's, like, 0.9 a doctor.
- That is 0.4 a nanny, Abbey.
Just show me your weird
You know what? How about I draw
you a picture? That'll do it.
That'll get your mind
in the right place.
Maybe on this side.
And one there, too.
And then this weird line thing.
Something like that.
No, that is not a thing. There's
no way that it looks like that.
Just show it to me.
There's nobody here.
Okay, all right.
Oh, my...
Oh, my God! That is exactly
what it looks like.
- Is that an eye?
- No, it's a drain port.
Oh, it's looking at me.
It follows me just like
in the Haunted Mansion.
- I'm holding it still.
- Oh, my God.
That is definitely the ugliest
penis I've ever seen!
Oh, God. I knew I
couldn't trust you.
- I'm out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait!
- No, no, no, I will help you.
- Why?
So you can keep making
fun of me about it
and telling me all it's
missing is neck bolts?
No, although that is a good joke and I
wish that I had thought of that. But...
but, no, Shoemaker. I will help
you because I'm you're best
- chance...
- Friend?
No, I am your best chance
at having a normal penis.
Oh, yeah. I'm so...
normal penis.
Yeah, I thought you were gonna go
on about how we were friends again.
I'm sorry. Listen.
- What do I do?
- Uh, well, okay.
Your body is clearly
rejecting your new foreskin,
so I would elevate your
But in the meantime,
I'll make a poultice.
I'll go to the Dark Forest
and I'll scour the forest
floor for twigs and berries.
Oh, wait, wait, wait! No,
no, no, no, no! No, no!
This is not witchcraft. This
is just natural medicine.
Oh, my God. I am not a witch!
Abbey, you asshole!
God! Abbey!
You hit the drain port.
Tell me to unpack boxes.
I've been here 16 years, and this
bitch's got me unpacking boxes!
And I tell you something else. I'm a
better principal than she is, too.
I know I'm a better principal.
And then this bitch is gonna tell me
that I can't go to the teacher's lounge?
I'll go to the teacher's
lounge if I want to!
You're really handling
this well, Tammy.
The bitch has got to go.
Hey, you're not the only one
with Cattie problems, all right?
She took my Fairbell. Now I got
nobody to go to lunch with!
I'll go to lunch with you.
Julie. Julie, we
should go to lunch.
Oh, I actually brought
my lunch from home.
- But you're welcome to half of it?
- Yeah, what do you... what do you got?
Yeah, it's a vegan
tempe burger...
- with a gluten-free bun...
- Oh, God.
- Cashew cheese...
- Jesus.
- Fruit yeast dressing.
- No.
- I mean, it's...
- No, no.
Okay.
All right, Dan. Clean
Ruby Tuesday's?
Like I can afford a clean one.
I do know a great little
ramen place near there.
I was gonna go there anyway.
Alone.
I have to pick up a few things.
- I do like ramen.
- Then it's a date!
No, we're just getting... We're
just gonna get lunch, Dan.
Okay.
- Dan, come on.
- I'm going on a date!
Don't... don't...
Oh.
Oh.
Ugh, how did you even
find this place, Trebin?
Well, cat-ramen cafés
are big in rural Japan.
Yeah, well, this is disgusting.
And where's that gyoza?
Ugh.
- Never mind.
- We work as a team.
I like noodles. They
like the salty broth.
Yeah, that's just great, Dan.
And then I said, "The
lord is my shepherd!
"I shall not want, but
I want that handbag!
- " I want that handbag!"
- You did not!
- You did not!
- That's what I said, and...
Handbag! You crack me up!
I think I...
Hey, Dan, when we're done here,
do you want to maybe go clothes shopping?
You know...
just a couple of buds looking
for some tight new threads?
I'm actually shopping right now.
Oh, I like the
bones on that one.
- It's a great example.
- An example of what?
- Of cats!
- You know what, Dan?
I tried... I really did.
I gave it my all, but I'd like
to go back to school now.
Please drive me back to the
school right now, Dan.
Not yet! I'm about
to snag some puss.
Okay! Well, now we're talking.
A little wing-man action, huh?
I'm down. Who you
got your eye on?
I like that dirty little
Calico over there.
- Goddamn it.
- I need you to run a distraction
- in about six seconds.
- What are you talking about?
I'm gonna grab me
some of these cats.
- Dan, are you nuts?
- Nuts like a fox.
- Okay, no, I'm not grabbing a cat.
- Three, two, one!
- I'm not gonna help you, you freak!
- Hey, everybody!
I saw this guy touch up a kid!
- What?!
- Yeah, I swear!
No, no... Dan, what
are you talking...
I didn't touch any... I
didn't touch any... Hey.
- Pedo!
- Get your hands off me!
- You get your...
- Pedo.
Hey, don't touch me!
Rot in hell, pedo!
Guys!
D Move along, I'm just a worm
beneath your boot heel d
d Scrape me up and give
me a second life d
d I'm worthless, I'm nothing d
- d You shouldn't love
me d - d But I do d
- d Worthless! d - d Worthless d
You were right, Cattie. This is way
better than regular soft rock.
And we don't go to hell
for listening to it.
See? Now you're getting it!
Hey, hey! That's Loren. That's L...
Can we stop and pick him up?
Fairbell, didn't your mom
ever teach you anything?
It's dangerous to
pick up a hitchhiker.
No, he's not a hitchhiker.
He's my best friend.
Anyone without a car is not
your friend, Fairbell.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
Did I get him?
- Yes.
- I got him good.
D I'm worthless d
- d 'Cause he is worthless
d - d Worthless d
My pretties.
Ooh!
There you are.
There you are.
Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
This is not what it looks like.
I... I just... I... We're
gonna laugh about this later!
Wait.
Oh, my God. I got
to turn my car off.
And that, class...
is roughly how the
Haymarket affair started.
Now, does anybody
have any questions...
not related to why I'm
laying like this?
That's what I thought.
Make sure you turn in your
papers before I arrive.
And don't bump the desk. I
will not come back from that.
Don't you touch that desk.
Hey, Shoemaker. Look, I know
this sounds weird, but...
- do you want to play catch?
- What?
I could really use it. You would
not believe the day I'm having.
Oh, yeah, I'm having a
pretty normal day myself.
Yeah, well, lucky you, pal.
Ever since Fairbell ran off with
Cattie, I've been living a nightmare.
Poor bastard can't even
tell he's being used.
- You mean like you used him?
- I never used Fairbell.
I rescued him!
Remember how before I started
hanging out with him,
he's just stay in his
office all cooped up,
tearing out clumps of his
hair, destroying furniture...
and I was like, "Fairbells
have to go outside.
You got to throw the ball
to him every now and again.
Get him heart-warm pills, put
a chip underneath his skin."
Oh, my God. I think it
dried to my underwear.
- What dried to your underwear?
- My foreskin.
- Ugh.
- Where's Abbey with the poultice.
Oh, God!
- Jesus.
- Get out of my way!
Glad I didn't ask him to lunch.
Waa-waa-waa.
- God, hurry up.
- You can't rush nature's medicine.
Okay, I think it's done.
Drop trou.
Great.
Mm, mnh-mnh.
- Oh, God.
- Ohh.
Okay. Let's get these...
- Ahh!
- Ohh!
I think the barnacle
fused to the hole!
Let me do it. You have to
rip it off like a band-aid!
No, no, no. I want an ambulance.
- I don't want you to do that.
- Oh, you are such a man.
You know, the worst pain that anyone
can go through is childbirth.
Babies aren't ripped off
the heads of penises!
- Bite down on this.
- What? Bite down? I don't think I...
- I don't think...
- One, two...
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, God! Did it come off?! Is it free?
I think I just need to grease the
old pan a little bit more here.
Oh, God, no.
One, two... three!
Okay, good.
Well, the bad news
is that foreskin
- is gonna come completely off.
- Okay.
The good news is you're
taking this like a man,
and I always thought you
were a little bitch!
Okay, that's nice of...
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Hey, great first day, coach.
You know what the
good book says.
"Cleanliness is
next to Godliness."
- See you, manana?
- Cattie.
First I want to thank you
for saving me forever.
- Aww.
- And I like helping you out, but...
I need to concentrate
on my other job...
- friendship.
- With Laura?
Honey, you pick his laundry
and you park his car.
That don't sound like
a friendship to me.
You're right.
It's a best friendship!
What? Wh...
Well, now, that's just stupid.
Tammy, I'm gonna need you to put some
sparkle on these window, darling.
Be there in a minute.
_
Hey, you're getting pretty
good at those pop flies.
Yeah, I've had a lot of time
to practice... by myself.
Wait a minute. I
recognize that voice.
Fairbell! Come here, boy!
Okay, boy, that's enough!
That's enough, that's enough.
Boy, Fairbell.
Never thought I'd say this,
but I really missed you.
I missed you, too.
- Now, how about that catch?
- That sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
Hey, have you ever heard
of a lake of fire?
Lake of fire? No. Why?
Cattie says you and I are
going there in a hand basket.
Huh.
I wasn't ready.
Here you go. Right here.
Classic Fairbell.
Well, go get the ladder,
you dumb mother
Aye, aye, sir!
Now, students have claimed
that they saw you and Mr. Shoemaker in
the library up to something suspicious.
Something, oh, I don't
know, ritualistic, maybe?
Principal Goodman, there is a
reasonable explanation for this.
Shoemaker?
She's the devil!
- Abbey is the Goddamn devil.
- Mm-hmm.
Tammy, did you see a
black cat run in here?
- Hell no.
- Ugh, God!
Oh, sh...
Uh, you know what?
Screw it. I'm a witch.
There! Now, was that so hard?
Well, there's that darn cat.
Abby if you're finished
with your witchcraft
the ramen place wants
it back like yesterday.
---
Little bit thorny, but I got it.
- Usual spot?
- Yep.
And, uh, fill her up, all right?
- She's almost out of gas.
- Roger that.
Whatever's the most
expensive, okay?
Like I haven't done
this 100 times.
Hey, Fairbell, do not
eat my Tic Tacs, okay?
Or I get burned with
the cigarette lighter.
Or you get burned with
the cigarette lighter.
- Hey, have a great day!
- Yeah, it's a little late for that.
- You should have seen Starbucks.
- God damn show.
Ah, ah.
Ah!
Ah.
You showed them all, Shoemaker.
You're never too old to make the
Cincinnati Bengals' practice squad.
Ha-ha-ha. Very funny, all right?
I had a vasectomy, and I'm just having
a little trouble with the stairs.
You had a vasectomy?
Aren't those supposed
to be un-invasive?
Okay, I wouldn't know. It's
my first one, all right?
Now, if you'll excuse me...
Why are there no ramps
at this school?
- Your hoodie from the dry cleaners.
- Well, it's about time, Fairbell.
Oh, you're just gonna
hand it to me?
- Not gonna put it on?
- Oh, right, right.
You want to be concierge,
you have to think
about that level of detail.
What if this was a
diplomat's top hat?
- Look at me move now.
- Now you're screwed,
- 'cause he's late for his meeting.
- Not gonna hold me down.
Not gonna hold me back.
There we go.
What are you looking at?
Get to class!
Let's move it!
Nothing to see here.
D Quit wasting my time d
d I ain't here for you d
d I'm just putting in work d
d Till my day is through d
What motivated this
vasectomy all of a sudden?
My new lady and I had
a pregnancy scare.
Ugh, Doris?
What, did a dried gourd
fall out of her?
- She was late.
- Yeah, by 35 years.
Irregardless, I did the right
thing, and I went and got snipped.
- I'm just having some complications.
- These are more than complications.
- You're immobile.
- Here's your coffee.
Just the way you like it...
21 grains of organic sugar.
She's way too old for you,
and that is a problem.
Mm, no. Way too hot.
Way too hot.
If you dated someone
your own age,
you wouldn't have these sort of
geriatric ailments plaguing you.
- She's not that much older than me.
- Try now.
She's four or five
decades older than you.
Mmm. That's perfect.
I'm getting a hint of apple.
Close... Apple Jacks.
Who the hell ate my snack peas?!
Answer me!
You could just have some of
Shoemaker's crotch peas.
Fairbell. Oh, God, shut up.
These are mine!
States so clearly on the
label, "Trip's peas!"
- It did say "Trip's peas."
- Yeah, he labeled them.
Whoa.
Did you just get back
from Grandma's house?
Whoa, cool cape.
Oh, this thing? I got
it at Anthropologie.
You mean, Forever 31?
- High-five me.
- Ahh, ah.
- God.
- Hey, y'all.
I thought I'd bring in
some fudgy bacon doughnuts
to get your motors running.
Who are you?
And what have you done
with Principal Quinn?
Dan, as I've already explained
to you several times
in the parking lot this morning, I'm
the new principal, Cattie Goodman.
I was hired by the district
to fix this school.
Now, y'all don't have
to be scared of me.
I am as sweet as sugar.
Now, come on. Who's gonna give
me the dirt on Smoot, huh?
How about you, handsome? You
want some of this? Huh? Oh, ooh.
A-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga.
I am so glad that you asked
this, Principal Goodman.
There are parts of this school
that are grossly under funded.
Uh, music, art, the library.
Oh, I guess we know how
the librarian feels.
You know, I had you pegged as a ginger
witch the moment I saw that cape.
This is a pashmina cloak.
Said the witch.
- Yeah.
- Abbey has a point.
We need to take some of those funds from
the sports and give them to the arts.
That's what I was gonna do.
Now, Ms. Sherman,
could you please tell me what the
sign says on that door over there?
Mr. Payton takes it in the "A."
No, above that. Above that.
- Mr. Shoemaker gives it in the "A."
- No, above that.
Y'all, where are all
these signs coming from?
It says "teacher's lounge."
And I'm sorry, but the last time I
checked, you were my, hmm, secretary.
- Ooh.
- Now, why don't you be a lamb
and go in my office and unpack
some of those boxes for me now?
Now, anybody have
anything "constructive"
- they'd like to add?
- Oh, me, me!
- No.
- Yeah.
I love it here at Smoot. I
wouldn't change a thing.
I always tell people,
"kids are gonna be kids."
Now that's the kind of straight
talk you can set your watch to.
Come here, mustache. I want
you to go for a walk with me,
- 'cause I'm gonna pick your brain.
- It's gonna be a short walk.
Hey, Fairbell, where you going? You
have to copy my third period quizzes.
- Dude, where are you going?
- You guys, she called me a witch.
It's like I'm... I'm starting
to get this wierd feeling
that maybe she doesn't like me. I'm
probably reading too much into it
- What?
- She hates you.
I like you.
Dan, gross.
You should let Dan see
under your cloak.
- Will you shut up?
- Aah!
How was Harry Potter
Land, by the way?
The problem I have with reading
is that you have to read so much.
I've been saying that for years!
- Well, this is my Thunderdome.
- Ah.
This gym reminds me of
Willicot County High.
Go Segregates!
- I was a basketball cheerleader.
- Pffft, what?
I was a basketball cheerleader.
Hmm...
Boom! Boom!
Pow! Pow! Tsssssst.
Now you're speaking my language!
You know what? In all the years I've
been whipping schools into shape,
the one thing that
I have learned
is that the athletics department
is the backbone of any school.
Now you're speaking my language.
Yeah, but I can't help noticing you
got periods one through five off.
What do you say you help me out?
I can't. I usually use
that time to help Loren.
- He has a lot of small emergencies.
- Loren? Who's she?
He's the coolest guy in school.
Come on, Fairbell.
I need a strong man with a...
masculine name like...
Fairbell.
- Now I'm speaking your language.
- Yeah, all right. Sure, sure.
So, it's settled then?
- You'll be my new assistant?
- Now, we're speaking...
Okay, why don't we do
quiet time now, okay?
- And I can still hear you.
- _
I was so quiet though.
Oh, I can't believe I'm here.
There's no easy way
to put this, I...
Your vasectomy's causing
you agony, yeah.
I saw you crab-walk into
school this morning.
It's a little more
complicated than that.
See, I went in for a
vasectomy, but then for $75,
the doctor upsold me to
a reverse circumcision.
- A French bris?
- Yeah.
You actually let a
doctor do that to you?
My parents just
took my foreskin.
- They never even asked.
- Okay, this is fantastic.
- Let me have a look.
- I'm not gonna just...
All right, let me have a look-see.
Come on. Drop it.
Oh, well, I am blown away by
your professionalism, Doctor.
Yeah, well, that's the last time
you'll be blown anytime soon, so...
Ha-ha-ha. What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Relax, it's for medical purposes.
Oh, come on.
- You better not post that on Facebook.
- Like I'm gonna do that.
God. You're so paranoid.
And...
- What is that?
- What's what?
- What was that sound?
- What sound?
What are those sounds?
What are those beeps?
- What's happening? That...
- What are you talking about?
What's that dinging? It
sounds like a notification.
- There's not a sound going on.
- It sounds like...
- Where'd they, uh, get the skin from?
- I'm not quite sure.
The doctor just had a bunch of color
swatches draped over his wrist.
I'm somewhere between rustic
barn and Christmas ham.
Yeah, well, now looks
more like old penny
'cause your body is
clearly rejecting this.
Well, I'm not gonna give it back
just because I'm having
some slight reaction to it.
Okay, there is nothing slight about
what's going on down there right now.
Looks like your penis is wearing
capicola as a turtleneck.
- Oh, God.
- All right, sorry, buddy.
There is nothing that Western medicine
can do for you at this point.
- What?
- Okay.
Oh, well, thanks for
nothing, you quack.
- All right, okay.
- Oh, God.
- Why did I show you my penis?
- I don't know.
Get back to doping ball
players, you loser.
All right. Well, don't play with it.
You're only making it worse.
- That was close.
- Yeah a little too close if you ask me.
- I'm not asking. I'm telling.
- Hey, look at that.
- Up to 115 "Likes."
- Ooh, nice. Share it with me.
- Wait, we're not Facebook friends?
- We're not.
- We're not Face... I'm over the limit.
- How are we not Facebook friends?
- You're at the 5,000 friends?
- I have 5,000 friends.
Okay, you know most
of those are bots.
- They are not bots.
- They are definitely...
- Those are all fine friends.
- They're definitely a bot.
- What do you want me to do with this?
- Text it to me.
- Copy that.
- All right, cool.
Easy on me. Go easy.
Well, Fairbell's MIA.
Missed our third period game of catch,
which is nuts, 'cause he lives for that.
Geez, if I could just
get the stream started.
- It's like an Elmer's glue bottle.
- Exactly.
He's been glued to Cattie's
side since this morning.
Saw them walking through
the quad earlier.
He had this stupid
smile on his face.
- It was pathetic.
- There's no control.
I know. I can't
control him anymore.
I guess I didn't realize how
reliant I've become on Fairbell.
Like, right now for example... How
do I know when I'm finished peeing?
- Oh, God.
- He usually dabs me dry.
Stay on. Don't go anywhere. Please.
Don't go anywhere.
I'm not gonna stay here.
I'm done peeing.
Now there's no mint, no
cigarette, no cologne.
Guess I'll just wash my own hands.
Perfect.
What have I done?
Fairbell!
- There you are.
- Jesus Christ!
Well, that looks
historically accurate.
Where the hell have you been? I have had
several small emergencies this morning.
I'm sorry. Cattie has me super
busy redecorating her office.
Cattie, Cattie, Cattie.
It's all you talk about.
You missed our game of catch.
Wait, you weren't playing
Cattie, were you?
- What? No.
- Dude, were you?
Look, she's just a new
little lady in town
who said she needs a big
man to help her out.
Yeah, exactly. So why
is she coming to you?
- Don't you think that's suspicious?
- Dude, squeeze this.
- Fairbell. Move your asses, molasses.
- Squeeze this.
- Why's our savior on the floor?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, this is the Loren I
was telling you about.
Oh. Oh, you're Loren.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my mistake.
I thought you might be a
lady with a name like that.
- Oh, come on.
- I'm sorry.
Are you one of those... oh,
what is the proper term?
I keep forgetting. Uh...
tranny genders?
Okay, that is definitely not the
proper term, and, no, I'm not.
Oh, well, don't get your
ball-hiding panties in a twist.
- They're Sean John's.
- Hey, Fairbell.
How about lunch...
you and I, my treat?
- Ruby Tuesday's, the clean one.
- What?
- What, the clean one?
- Yeah.
I love that place. I'm... I'm straight
up hooked on their rib plates.
Oh, well, I'm sorry,
Laura, but, uh,
the caddy only holds two, and,
uh, I like to stretch out. So...
Cattie's caddy.
- I get it. I get it.
- Did you get that?
- Cattie's caddy.
- You like it? I know.
Cattie's caddy. Ca...
Well, honey, we can't miss
you if you don't leave.
There you go.
I'm sorry about this.
I think it's okay.
- It didn't break.
- Oh, no worries.
J.C.'s been through worse.
Believe me.
- What do you mean?
- Oh, you don't know?
Oh, he was savagely
beaten by Jews.
Yeah, I'll tell you the
whole story on the ride.
Gave him highlights myself.
How about a pie?
- Hey, Abbey.
- Hmm?
Listen, the library doesn't have any
books on, like, potions, elixirs, or...
- Yeah, I get it. I'm a witch.
- What? No.
Nobody gives a about your
stupid problems, okay?
I'm having an abnormal medical
condition, and I need help.
- Really? What?
- Okay, well, a friend of mine...
- I know it's you.
- Okay.
But you can't tell
anybody, all right?
I went in and I had a vasectomy,
- and they upsold me to a French bris.
- What's that?
I had the top hat put
back on Lincoln.
You had a reverse circumcision?!
- Keep your voice down, okay?
- No, no, no, no. I will help you.
- I'm basically a doctor.
- You are a doula.
That is in no way a doctor.
- No, that's, like, 0.9 a doctor.
- That is 0.4 a nanny, Abbey.
Just show me your weird
You know what? How about I draw
you a picture? That'll do it.
That'll get your mind
in the right place.
Maybe on this side.
And one there, too.
And then this weird line thing.
Something like that.
No, that is not a thing. There's
no way that it looks like that.
Just show it to me.
There's nobody here.
Okay, all right.
Oh, my...
Oh, my God! That is exactly
what it looks like.
- Is that an eye?
- No, it's a drain port.
Oh, it's looking at me.
It follows me just like
in the Haunted Mansion.
- I'm holding it still.
- Oh, my God.
That is definitely the ugliest
penis I've ever seen!
Oh, God. I knew I
couldn't trust you.
- I'm out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait!
- No, no, no, I will help you.
- Why?
So you can keep making
fun of me about it
and telling me all it's
missing is neck bolts?
No, although that is a good joke and I
wish that I had thought of that. But...
but, no, Shoemaker. I will help
you because I'm you're best
- chance...
- Friend?
No, I am your best chance
at having a normal penis.
Oh, yeah. I'm so...
normal penis.
Yeah, I thought you were gonna go
on about how we were friends again.
I'm sorry. Listen.
- What do I do?
- Uh, well, okay.
Your body is clearly
rejecting your new foreskin,
so I would elevate your
But in the meantime,
I'll make a poultice.
I'll go to the Dark Forest
and I'll scour the forest
floor for twigs and berries.
Oh, wait, wait, wait! No,
no, no, no, no! No, no!
This is not witchcraft. This
is just natural medicine.
Oh, my God. I am not a witch!
Abbey, you asshole!
God! Abbey!
You hit the drain port.
Tell me to unpack boxes.
I've been here 16 years, and this
bitch's got me unpacking boxes!
And I tell you something else. I'm a
better principal than she is, too.
I know I'm a better principal.
And then this bitch is gonna tell me
that I can't go to the teacher's lounge?
I'll go to the teacher's
lounge if I want to!
You're really handling
this well, Tammy.
The bitch has got to go.
Hey, you're not the only one
with Cattie problems, all right?
She took my Fairbell. Now I got
nobody to go to lunch with!
I'll go to lunch with you.
Julie. Julie, we
should go to lunch.
Oh, I actually brought
my lunch from home.
- But you're welcome to half of it?
- Yeah, what do you... what do you got?
Yeah, it's a vegan
tempe burger...
- with a gluten-free bun...
- Oh, God.
- Cashew cheese...
- Jesus.
- Fruit yeast dressing.
- No.
- I mean, it's...
- No, no.
Okay.
All right, Dan. Clean
Ruby Tuesday's?
Like I can afford a clean one.
I do know a great little
ramen place near there.
I was gonna go there anyway.
Alone.
I have to pick up a few things.
- I do like ramen.
- Then it's a date!
No, we're just getting... We're
just gonna get lunch, Dan.
Okay.
- Dan, come on.
- I'm going on a date!
Don't... don't...
Oh.
Oh.
Ugh, how did you even
find this place, Trebin?
Well, cat-ramen cafés
are big in rural Japan.
Yeah, well, this is disgusting.
And where's that gyoza?
Ugh.
- Never mind.
- We work as a team.
I like noodles. They
like the salty broth.
Yeah, that's just great, Dan.
And then I said, "The
lord is my shepherd!
"I shall not want, but
I want that handbag!
- " I want that handbag!"
- You did not!
- You did not!
- That's what I said, and...
Handbag! You crack me up!
I think I...
Hey, Dan, when we're done here,
do you want to maybe go clothes shopping?
You know...
just a couple of buds looking
for some tight new threads?
I'm actually shopping right now.
Oh, I like the
bones on that one.
- It's a great example.
- An example of what?
- Of cats!
- You know what, Dan?
I tried... I really did.
I gave it my all, but I'd like
to go back to school now.
Please drive me back to the
school right now, Dan.
Not yet! I'm about
to snag some puss.
Okay! Well, now we're talking.
A little wing-man action, huh?
I'm down. Who you
got your eye on?
I like that dirty little
Calico over there.
- Goddamn it.
- I need you to run a distraction
- in about six seconds.
- What are you talking about?
I'm gonna grab me
some of these cats.
- Dan, are you nuts?
- Nuts like a fox.
- Okay, no, I'm not grabbing a cat.
- Three, two, one!
- I'm not gonna help you, you freak!
- Hey, everybody!
I saw this guy touch up a kid!
- What?!
- Yeah, I swear!
No, no... Dan, what
are you talking...
I didn't touch any... I
didn't touch any... Hey.
- Pedo!
- Get your hands off me!
- You get your...
- Pedo.
Hey, don't touch me!
Rot in hell, pedo!
Guys!
D Move along, I'm just a worm
beneath your boot heel d
d Scrape me up and give
me a second life d
d I'm worthless, I'm nothing d
- d You shouldn't love
me d - d But I do d
- d Worthless! d - d Worthless d
You were right, Cattie. This is way
better than regular soft rock.
And we don't go to hell
for listening to it.
See? Now you're getting it!
Hey, hey! That's Loren. That's L...
Can we stop and pick him up?
Fairbell, didn't your mom
ever teach you anything?
It's dangerous to
pick up a hitchhiker.
No, he's not a hitchhiker.
He's my best friend.
Anyone without a car is not
your friend, Fairbell.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
Did I get him?
- Yes.
- I got him good.
D I'm worthless d
- d 'Cause he is worthless
d - d Worthless d
My pretties.
Ooh!
There you are.
There you are.
Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
This is not what it looks like.
I... I just... I... We're
gonna laugh about this later!
Wait.
Oh, my God. I got
to turn my car off.
And that, class...
is roughly how the
Haymarket affair started.
Now, does anybody
have any questions...
not related to why I'm
laying like this?
That's what I thought.
Make sure you turn in your
papers before I arrive.
And don't bump the desk. I
will not come back from that.
Don't you touch that desk.
Hey, Shoemaker. Look, I know
this sounds weird, but...
- do you want to play catch?
- What?
I could really use it. You would
not believe the day I'm having.
Oh, yeah, I'm having a
pretty normal day myself.
Yeah, well, lucky you, pal.
Ever since Fairbell ran off with
Cattie, I've been living a nightmare.
Poor bastard can't even
tell he's being used.
- You mean like you used him?
- I never used Fairbell.
I rescued him!
Remember how before I started
hanging out with him,
he's just stay in his
office all cooped up,
tearing out clumps of his
hair, destroying furniture...
and I was like, "Fairbells
have to go outside.
You got to throw the ball
to him every now and again.
Get him heart-warm pills, put
a chip underneath his skin."
Oh, my God. I think it
dried to my underwear.
- What dried to your underwear?
- My foreskin.
- Ugh.
- Where's Abbey with the poultice.
Oh, God!
- Jesus.
- Get out of my way!
Glad I didn't ask him to lunch.
Waa-waa-waa.
- God, hurry up.
- You can't rush nature's medicine.
Okay, I think it's done.
Drop trou.
Great.
Mm, mnh-mnh.
- Oh, God.
- Ohh.
Okay. Let's get these...
- Ahh!
- Ohh!
I think the barnacle
fused to the hole!
Let me do it. You have to
rip it off like a band-aid!
No, no, no. I want an ambulance.
- I don't want you to do that.
- Oh, you are such a man.
You know, the worst pain that anyone
can go through is childbirth.
Babies aren't ripped off
the heads of penises!
- Bite down on this.
- What? Bite down? I don't think I...
- I don't think...
- One, two...
- Okay, okay.
- Oh, God! Did it come off?! Is it free?
I think I just need to grease the
old pan a little bit more here.
Oh, God, no.
One, two... three!
Okay, good.
Well, the bad news
is that foreskin
- is gonna come completely off.
- Okay.
The good news is you're
taking this like a man,
and I always thought you
were a little bitch!
Okay, that's nice of...
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Hey, great first day, coach.
You know what the
good book says.
"Cleanliness is
next to Godliness."
- See you, manana?
- Cattie.
First I want to thank you
for saving me forever.
- Aww.
- And I like helping you out, but...
I need to concentrate
on my other job...
- friendship.
- With Laura?
Honey, you pick his laundry
and you park his car.
That don't sound like
a friendship to me.
You're right.
It's a best friendship!
What? Wh...
Well, now, that's just stupid.
Tammy, I'm gonna need you to put some
sparkle on these window, darling.
Be there in a minute.
_
Hey, you're getting pretty
good at those pop flies.
Yeah, I've had a lot of time
to practice... by myself.
Wait a minute. I
recognize that voice.
Fairbell! Come here, boy!
Okay, boy, that's enough!
That's enough, that's enough.
Boy, Fairbell.
Never thought I'd say this,
but I really missed you.
I missed you, too.
- Now, how about that catch?
- That sounds awesome.
Let's do it.
Hey, have you ever heard
of a lake of fire?
Lake of fire? No. Why?
Cattie says you and I are
going there in a hand basket.
Huh.
I wasn't ready.
Here you go. Right here.
Classic Fairbell.
Well, go get the ladder,
you dumb mother
Aye, aye, sir!
Now, students have claimed
that they saw you and Mr. Shoemaker in
the library up to something suspicious.
Something, oh, I don't
know, ritualistic, maybe?
Principal Goodman, there is a
reasonable explanation for this.
Shoemaker?
She's the devil!
- Abbey is the Goddamn devil.
- Mm-hmm.
Tammy, did you see a
black cat run in here?
- Hell no.
- Ugh, God!
Oh, sh...
Uh, you know what?
Screw it. I'm a witch.
There! Now, was that so hard?
Well, there's that darn cat.
Abby if you're finished
with your witchcraft
the ramen place wants
it back like yesterday.