Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Rod Man Out - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

You're telling me that none of
your prom stories were true?

- I haven't had sex in 11 months.
- Ohh!

Well, if you must know,

my wife and I are
getting a divorce.

Get out! Get out!

Ugh!

D Oh, I wish I was in
the land of cotton d

Rod? You're fired.

- Give me one good reason.
- Well, you're drunk.

Well, I suppose you heard
that Principal Quinn



was arrested earlier today.

Apparently he exposed himself
to a group of students

in some sort of a school prank.

Aaah!

Point is, we have to have
an interim principal

before the gavel falls.

Sit down, Fairbell.

Tammy.

Wait. Tammy?

Thank you.

_

What is Tammy's deal?

I mean who calls a
mandatory meeting

a week before
school even starts?



Like you had anything
better to be doing.

- Au, contraire mon frére.
- Not your frére.

Right. Ever since
Tampa and I split up,

I've been having a crazy summer.

Started taking some
culinary classes.

And I'm finally in a healthy
and mature relationship.

Hmm.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to eat it
like I'm in a bread line?

Oh, because I'm starving.

Billy!

God!

Are you doing phone sex
with the deli meats again?

I'm on my break, Jerry.

Hey, I know you're having a
hard time with the divorce...

Okay, I already told
you a bunch of times,

it's not a divorce, it's
a trial separation.

And I'm fine.

I'm no love expert,

but I do know that
sometimes in life...

Jerry, do you need
something, Jerry?

Is there something I could
help you with, Jerry?

Chipotle-lime mayo.

I will get it out.

Okay, thank you. Bye.

Asshole.

Well, I had a big
dope summer myself.

Me and my new bro Cody, we,
like, ran the water park.

- Dude.
- Yep. I was basically his mentor.

I'm sure.

Check out that one.

What do you think, 9?

You're right. 7 1/2. Whatever.

Well, Codes, been pretty great
running deep into the night

with you this summer, huh, bro?

Did you say something?

God, you are so cool, Cody.

King of summer. King of summer!

Man, that sounds cool. But you're not
the only one who made some new friends.

I picked up loads of guys.

They wanted me to come,
I came pretty quick.

You were an Uber
driver weren't you?

- Oh.
- Close Lyft.

Yeah.

Hey, are any of you guys Chad?

We're all Chad.

Oh, hey. I'm your Lyft driver.
Hop on in.

Welcome to the S.S.
Pleasant Evening.

Wow you guys strike out
with the ladies already?

Do you guys like a
lot of small talk

or an excruciating
amount of small talk?

Because my reviews
say excruciating.

You know what?

I really think we're
gonna nail it this year.

- I feel confident.
- Yeah.

- I feel good.
- Good start.

Good start, good chat guys.

Aw, I just put my hand in gum!

Ugh! Me too.

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

God, Tammy's really abusing
this interim principal title.

Eh, Quinn will be acquitted

and we'll be back to
no business as usual.

Yeah, I hope so, man.

I'm sorry I had to
run out like that.

I had to take a phone call.

You mean from that phone
you left on the table?

Yeah, you were just in the
middle of regaling us

about your latest misguided
white guilt trip.

- Uh, it was not misguided.
- No.

I went to Motaba with
Librarians Without Borders

and, uh, we built
them a library.

It was probably the
best summer of my life.

Abby, unless those people can
check clean drinking water

out of that thing, that
library is useless.

Oh, my God. That is such an
antiquated view of Africa.

Do you know what these
people wanted most of all?

Old wedding gowns.

Assault rifles.

21 cents a day.

Free reliable wi-fi.

Man, look at these pictures.

Oh, gross.

Abby, is that monkey spitting
directly into your mouth?

Uh, that is a baboon, and
that is how they say hello.

The price for meeting a baboon
is spit in my mouth? I'm down.

I'm sorry, I-I-I-I-I-I have to,
um, sort the card catalogue.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay, she has dysentery right?
- She definitely has dysentery.

- She's sweating...
- Yeah. I think she's just busy.

No.

I saw them warming up outside

and I thought I'd take advantage
with a little fanfare.

Tammy, that is the worst
OutKast video I've ever seen.

It's a new year,

and as your principal, I believe
in forgiving and forgetting.

And in the spirit
of forgiveness,

I'd like to welcome back Mr.
Rod Knorr.

- What?
- Are you serious?

- Hello.
- Rod!

Yeah, bud. Welcome back!

Uh, all right.

Holy. The prodigal
souse returns.

Right?

Hey, I'm as surprised
as you guys are

to see me back here, all right?

But, uh, I'm in the
program now, okay?

I've got 6 months of
sobriety under my belt.

- Oh, no.
- I'm a new Rod.

Gross.

And I want to take this time
to apologize for old Rod.

I'm just glad to be back and,
uh, really looking forward

to taking advantage of
this second chance.

God, will he shut up already?

I'm getting a cavity just
listening to this garbage.

I'm confused. How
many Rods are there?

Is this like a back
to the future?

Principal Sherman, I was
thinking that this would

be a great time to take
this upcoming week

to maybe spruce the place
up a little bit, you know?

Really show the students we care

and are invested in their
education, you know?

And I just... I know idle hands

- always got me in trouble.
- Oh, really?

'Cause I thought it was the
gallons and gallons of alcohol.

That is the exact attitude
that I am talking about, Rod.

He says, "I can tell you..."

And you three can help him out.

Gum duty.

- Gum duty?
- Get to it.

Hey, thanks a lot, Rod.

Yeah, it's super awesome
to have you back, Rod.

Hey, Rod, what if
you touch old Rod?

Would you both explode?

Hey, Abby didn't your
Shard of Darkness trip

take you to Motaba?

Ha, ha, hilarious.
But, yes, why?

Oh, no reason. I'm just
reading CNN's Twitter feed

and it says wi-fi war,

Motaba library overtaken
by armed rebels.

Well, that could be any library.

Yeah, no, I don't think so.

See they're burning
this redheaded effigy

out there in the
front of the street.

That is definitely not me.

Mm-hmm. They're calling the
library a catalyst for chaos.

Speaking of war-torn regions,

check out this Snatchchat from
the dank that I'm hitting up.

Ah, I'm gonna be sick,

and it is definitely
because of you

and not because
of anything else.

Hey, guys. Look at that.

Sorry guys, I just
remembered that I, um,

parked in the wrong spot.

Yeah, you mean parked in
the stall across the hall?

We could hear you unfolding
yourself from here.

You need to see a doctor, Abby.

I'm fine.

Oh, my God, this is so hard!

This is impossible
is what it is.

There's gum on every
surface of the school.

It's gross.

You know what we should do?
We should quit.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Why don't we do it?
- That's a good idea.

Sandwich party. Sandwich party.

All right. That's it!

You know, while you guys
have been standing around

BSing about your summers
while I'm in here

busting my hump with no help!

Get a load of this.

I am not gonna be chewed out

by a guy who got fired last year
dressed as a confederate soldier.

Seriously, cut the act, Rod.

You're being a huge pain
in the ass right now.

I'm not the problem, all right?

Scraping gum off toilet
bowls isn't the problem.

The problem is you don't
know how to scrape the gum

off the toilet bowls
that are your lives.

Spare us all of
this Sigmund Fraud.

You know, this is what it is.
I'm telling you.

Every time somebody gets sober,
they get in the program,

they have to evangelize.

This has nothing to do with
the program, all right?

And anyone can see that you're
just trying to convince yourself

that your wife leaving you
is some sort of a blessing!

'Cause it is! 'Cause it...
you know what?

Check out this picture
text I got this mor...

No, no, no. Don't
look at that one.

But I am back in the game!

Oh, yeah? What
game is that, huh?

Pushing 40, cruising Tinder,

hanging out with
some bush pig, huh?

All right, just
admit to yourself

that you're terrified you
might wind up alone!

Aw, go easy on him, Rod.
He's newly single

and it's creepy and hilarious.

Okay, all right, Loren.
Answer me this, all right?

You jawing on and on about
how you're gonna write

the great American novel.

How many pages did you get
done this summer, huh?

I'm... I'm outlining. I'm
in the outlining phase.

Outlines are great.
M-my favorite book

is Ernest Hemingway's
"Big Book of Outlines,"

fantastic!

You're acting pretty high
and mighty for someone

who has jack shack on campus.

Oh, says the woman who
went all the way to Africa

to build a library to
make herself feel better.

Yeah, and what did that get you?

The.

It's just a little bit
of traveler's tummy.

Yeah.

And Fairbell...

Wait, wait, so like the
toilet of our lives

is like a house?

Oh, it is true.

You just cannot help people

until they're willing
to help themselves.

Excuse me.

That's a lot to think about.

Yeah.

Maybe we should make
some actual changes.

Totally.

We should get Rod
drinking again.

- Exactly what I'm thinking.
- Definitely.

- That's what I was thinking.
- Definitely.

- Back on the wagon.
- I mean, that's it.

So, like, if I flush,
I go to another room?

It's a metaphor, Fairbell.

Oh, yes, there's his
coffee right there.

We'll just spike it
and be done with it.

Who locks their classroom door?

It's like he doesn't trust us.

There's got to be
another way in there.

- No.
- Windows are barred.

The janitor has keys.

What if I flirt
with the janitor,

and then he'll let us in?

You? Yeah, right. Your
flirting is terrible.

Yeah. Way to some up with a
plan to not get the keys.

Well, the only other
way into that room

is gonna be through
the air ducts.

- Oh, yes.
- Dude, that's a great idea.

That's awesome.

No, no, no, wait take back.

- No take backs.
- Opposite day.

I'd go for it with the janitor.

No, it's too late, the
plan's already locked in.

- No!
- I wait here, keep a lookout for Rod.

You lower him through the
ducts, spike Rod's coffee,

- perfect crime.
- Great, that is great.

Listen, I really think that
this key thing is simpler,

plus I'm an excellent flirter.
Check this out.

Pssh!

Hi.

We're doing the ducts. We're
going with the duct plan.

- What?
- It's going to work.

Last time I went into the
ducts I almost died... twice.

Think of it this way...
This is your opportunity

to be the Tom Cruise
in this situation.

- Oh, Tom Cruise!
- Huh?

- You like Tom Cruise.
- How cool's that?

That could be risky
business, though.

You know, I wanted
a few good men,

but I could only find Fairbell.

It's like that "Garfield" movie.

Excuse me? "Garfield" movie?
That's what you come in with?

- That's wrong in like 15 different ways.
- What are you talking about?

- It's a good movie!
- We're doing a fun thing.

- Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop, stop!
- And you don't understand the rules...

- You suck.
- You suck.

- You suck.
- You suck.

Guys this is gonna be like
a "War of the Worlds."

See, even Fairbell
gets the game.

- I get it.
- What game? Charades?

I'll go first, who am I?

Oh, God, your just Abby! You
just watched her do that.

- Nailed it.
- Okay, just get him in the ducts, guys.

You're a very good flirter.

- Let's go.
- Take her with you.

Hey, we're almost there.

Oh, man. God, you really
know your way around here.

Practice.

Okay, uh,

this seems like a bad idea,

and I can't usually tell when
something is a bad idea.

What, are you kidding?
This is a great idea, bud.

You're gonna do awesome.

Perfect crime.

Can I help you?

Oh, n... Oh, Rod! Hey.
Hey, buddy.

Um, yes, you can help me.

You were, uh... you were
talking about sobriety.

Yes.

And I thought that maybe
that's something I should try.

Maybe I should try it.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, maybe I...

should try sobriety.

All right. Yes.

Yeah.

Are you sure you can hold me?

No, no, no, no, not at all.

That's why I brought an anchor.

Hi.

I'm good.

How do you, like, um...

how do you get people to
let you hang around them

if they're not drunk
and you're not drunk?

Don't need those people
anymore, all right?

- Yeah.
- That's stinking thinking is what that is.

- Yeah.
- Get rid of them. Okay.

Find solace in the
simpler things in life,

like, I don't know, gardening
or m-model airplanes.

You know, for me, I love
starting my car the regular way

instead of blowing into
one of those straws.

I-I just don't know what's
going on anymore, Rod.

Hey, Loren, lay it
out for old new Rod.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Wish me luck.

Okay. Oh, you won't need luck

you invincible dip.

D Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba d

Me, everyone thinks

Go!

Fricking Tate, Fricking Dalton.

I'm not a third wheel.

No, you're not.
You're a grown man.

That's why you're gonna
stop playing grab ass

with 19 year olds.

Who told you about grab ass?

Was it Dalton?

Oh, it was Dalton wasn't it?

That piece of.

I knew he couldn't
handle grab ass.

It's actually working,
keep lowering.

It's just like Cody
was using me, man.

Sure, we were BFFs.

Old enough to buy booze.

You don't do that to your bro.
That's bro code!

Ew.

Oh, please. Oh, please, no.

I left my scarf in
the roof of my car.

It's like 100 degrees,
you don't need a scarf!

Abby, Abby!

It's not your fault.

- Makes everyone a user.
- Yeah.

How about we talk
about this inside?

All right, Let's...
Oh, no, no, no, wait.

Rod! Rod, let's talk
about it out here.

Hey, why don't we
go to a meeting?

I think I'm ready for a
meeting at the Kiwanis...

Fairbell?

Are you guys trying
to spike my coffee?

Oh hey, Rod, I was just, uh,
looking for a pen, right Loren?

Um, Rod, it's...

I'm gonna go get my bat...

Find out if this dip pinata
is filled with candy.

I'll save you the trip. I am.

And silver lining, no
glass got in my eyes.

- I swallowed most of it.
- Congratulations.

Sorry, the wind blew my scarf
through the parking lot.

Ah, Abby, everyone knows you
have the butt barfs, even me.

- Hey, guys.
- Whoa, have you been crying?

- Have you been crying?
- I don't know what's going on.

You know, Rod's sober,
Tammy's the principal,

you're getting laid.

My parents are right. I should
get out of the teaching game.

I should just get my
real-estate license.

Ow! You know we're on the
cusp of another bubble!

- I do, I do.
- God,

you can not let sober
Rod get to you.

- I'm sorry.
- That man is not thinking foggy.

The new Rod is too far
down the rabbit hole.

It's like he's
addicted to sobriety.

Oh, my God.

Yes, Abby. He is
addicted to sobriety.

And how do you deal
with an addict?

Throw acid on their face so
they're ugly and unlovable?

Jesus, who gave Fairbell
their Netflix password?

Thank you, by the way.

He said he wanted
to watch "Doug."

Lots of "Doug."

No, no. If we want to
destroy the new Rod,

we have to make this personal.

And everybody can tell
you've been crying.

Yeah.

Just right through here,
it'll only take a minute.

What the hell is this?

Rod, please come in. Join us.
Have a seat by your mother.

Come here, baby. You
come sit by Mama.

You know, uh, Rod,

I've

I've been here since last night,

and I look around the room
and I see a lot of people

who love and care for you
and are scared to death

that they're losing you
and they want to get you

back in the fight.

Ma, why are you here?

Son, you've turned
into a grade-A pussy

since you stopped drinking.

There's a lot of
love in this room.

So, basically what's
gonna happen is

they're gonna say some things,

and you'll say some things,
and then we're done.

So, Abby, why don't
you start us off

since your intestines
are on borrowed time?

I am fine.

Okay, Rod,

your unaddiction has affected
me in the following ways.

After spending my
summer in Motaba,

selflessly helping others
I realized that life...

Oh, g...

I'm just...

I'm too emotional.

Now do you see the
damage you're causing?

Fairbell, you're up.

Oh, Rod, I remember that time

last "Julee" when you took me

to Bass Pro Shop.

Then you left me locked in the
car and I waited in there

for 5 hours until I passed
out because of hot.

Abby!

- Yes?
- Wait up.

Oh, I'll just be a minute.

It won't take but a second.

I was wondering
between us girls,

uh, you've got your
ear to the street.

What are people saying about me?

Oh, that you're doing great.
Just great!

Well, I appreciate that.
Bu-u-ut...

what do you think?

I mean, y-you've always been
a straight shooter with me.

What is going on with you?

Are you sick from that
stupid trip to Africa?

No! No, I'm fine.

You're hiding something.

The guys are in the
multi-purpose room

trying to get Rod
to drink again.

Oh, Goddamn it!

Ugh!

And after the fireman
was done kissing me,

I woke up, went next door, and
found you in the Toby Keith's

I Love This Bar & Grill
very, very, very drunk.

That was...

that was one of the best
afternoons of my life.

Thank you, Fairbell. I know
how difficult that was.

Not emotionally,
but the reading.

Loren, you ready?

Oh.

Be strong.

Dearest Rod,

that afternoon we spent partying
in the bed of your truck

during the strike was the
highlight of my career.

I remember thinking, "Man,

anything's possible as long
as I have my buddy here."

My little hot Rod.

But now I see that pickup truck,

and all I see is a lie.

And that hurts.

It hurts when you
break promises, Cody.

You say you're gonna hang out
with me then you ditch me

to hang out with Dalton?

Dalton's just a total
d-bag who talks about you

behind your back and
everybody knows that.

He didn't even come to
your birthday party.

They don't know you
like I know you, dude.

. This is horrible.

I think this seven layer
dip has eight layers.

O-okay, listen, Rod,

you're probably wondering what
it is that we're offering you.

Right now, outside, we
have a car waiting for you

to take you to the Lions Lair,

where your mother has graciously
set up a $100 bar tab.

Well drinks only.

Rod, I'm not gonna... I'm
not gonna lie to you.

I've been where
you're at right now

and I have faced the
scourge that is sobriety.

I've stared that demon down

and I just want to say you
can get off that wagon.

So get off that wagon, Rob.

- Get off that wagon.
- Get off that wagon.

- Jump.
- Get off that wagon.

- Get off the wagon, Cody.
- Get off that wagon.

Get off that wagon.
Get off that wagon.

What the is wrong
with you people?

I was curious about that myself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not
what it looks like, Tammy.

Well it looks like a reverse
intervention to me.

Well, then it is definitely
what it looks like.

You three, in my office, first
thing tomorrow morning!

Now get out!

I better see you at that bar.

You know what, Roddy? I'm sorry.

It's not eight layers,
it's still seven.

Just a second layer of bean.

What do you guys think

Tammy wants to talk to
us about, tomorrow?

What?

We're probably getting
fired, Fairbell.

So, drink up.

You know what? If
I was principal,

I would never fire anybody.

Also, I'd put root beer in all
the water fountains, promise.

Got my vote.

I'm still not even
sure how Tammy knew

that we were trying to
get Rod drinking again.

- Yeah.
- That's crazy.

Mm-hmm.

I-I... she probably just
sensed it, you know?

She's a very smart lady.

I just wish it wasn't
her dropping the ax.

She's always had it out for me.

Getting fired is not
the worst thing

that can happen to someone.

You're right, that is.

I never should've taken a
picture with that monkey.

What the.

I mean, that... that has
got to be a different.

Okay, I ruined another country
and got horrible dysentery.

Is that what you want me to say?

- Yeah, that's exactly it.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's exactly what
I've been waiting for.

Yeah. I got sick drinking dirty
water out of a UN tire track,

and then they had to airlift
me after only two days.

I almost died.

There was so much
blood, you guys!

Ugh.

It was coming out of my eyes.

It was coming out of ears,
it was coming out of my ass.

Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!

Stop, stop, stop.

We just wanted to hear
that you were wrong

and we were right, okay?
That's enough.

Whoa-ho-oh! Speaking
of internal collapse,

This is that, uh, that chick

- I've been hooking up with lately.
- Mm.

She wants to meet up. Hey,
can I borrow a rubber?

You want a rubber? Yeah,
no, I got one right here.

Great. I keep it, uh,
in the year 1986.

That's funny, you're right,
I'm not even gonna wear one.

I'll probably just
pray on this one.

Gross.

Guys, on the bright side,

Doris gave me a handful
of antibiotics

that she found in the
bottom of her purse.

And I feel pretty all right now.

Yeah keep chasing with booze.

Hey, club soda please.

Of course!

You know, I appreciate
the effort that you guys

have gone through to
get me back drinking.

I do, I do. But, uh, finally
I can fall asleep at night

without worrying if my
pancreas is gonna implode.

Look if this is what
you need from us,

then we can respect your choice.

And we'll stop trying to
get you off the wagon.

All right?

Thank you, man.

All right. Sure.

Appreciate it. Anyway

Got to hit the head, huh?

Geez, all right, Rod.

I didn't... I
didn't get a touch.

- That was just for us.
- Yeah.

God grant me the courage

to accept the things
I cannot change.

Wait your turn, sailor,
I'm too old for twofers.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay, I like it kind of.

_

Am I a horrible person?

You get used to it.

Good morning, gentlemen.
Come in, have a seat.

Yeah, listen, Tammy...

No, no, no. Today I speak.

And let me tell you something.

I have watched you three

squander every opportunity
you've been given.

Me? I earned my way.
Nobody handed me anything.

But not you guys.

And today, that
entitlement ends.

You recognize these?

Our termination forms.

Yeah, good Fairbell.

Now, I'm going to frame these and
hang them up for motivation.

They're gonna be my new "Hang
in there!" kitty posters.

It seems to me that
everything in my life

has led up to this very moment.

Now, believe me when I say

that it gives me great pleasure
to say that you are fi...

Yoo-hoo!

I think somebody
parked in my spot.

Be a lamb and move
it for me, will ya?

Ow.

Ah, e-excuse me.
C-can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm Cattie Goodman. I'm
your new principal.

C-C-Cattie G-Goodman?

The district fixer?

Aw, well, I do what I can.

And now I'm here
to fix up Smoot.

Well, just one second. Tammy
was actually right...

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

I think what Tammy was
actually about to say

- is how excited we are...
- Exactly.

As teachers and how in need of
real change we are here at Smoot.

Actually I was in the middle
of firing these boys.

Oh.

Well, in that case,
I just have to ask.

Whatever gave you the idea that
you were in control of personnel?

I me... oh, oh honey. Honey.

You didn't think they were
gonna let a secretary

become the permanent
principal, now did ya?

Oh.

But you don't know what
these guys have done!

Darling, at every new
school I reform,

I start off with a
clean slate policy.

That's so funny 'cause Tammy
has this clean plate policy.

Boom, I'm back in the game!

Why don't you get to
stepping right there.

Hey, maybe you could get
some hot water for me,

for my chamomile tea.

There you go. Thank ya.
I appreciate it.

A little quicker,
a little quicker.

And so our dance
continues, Tam-Tam.

Oh, no no. This is just began.

She should get one of those
that says "goodbye".

Ow! Come on!

Tammy you forgot your keys.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!