Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Take a Wonka on the Wild Side - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not miss this tomorrow!
Gather 'round, ye educators!

What do you see?

Oh. I know this one. The gym.

No. It's a memory maker.

No, he's right. It's the gym.

- This is the gym.
- I think he's right.

It's the gymnasium.

There's the scoreboard.

I've seen people
exercise in here.

Look, I realize all those
items are in here, yes,

but it's also the home
of this year's prom.



Ohh.

- Oh, come on, Quinn.
- Yeah.

After that debacle last
year at the Marriott,

I thought it was best to
go ahead and hold it here.

Kind of avoid another
trail of beers.

The kids picked that theme.
That wasn't us.

And how it slipped by
me, I do not know.

So, this year, I
picked the theme,

and I went with Candyland!

I'm the Candy Man!

Oh, my...

Awesome!

Candy Man is terrifying.

By the way, your
attendance is mandatory.



- Aw, come on.
- What?

And I knew that would
be your reaction,

which is why I'm also allowing
all of you to bring dates.

- Oh, that's great.
- Oh, great.

Now I have two
depressing prom stories.

Well, I'll tell you who
is pumped for prom... me.

I was five-time prom king.

Yeah. Valedictorian,
Starting Q.B.,

Class President, Treasurer...

No, that's not possible.

Yes-huh.

That is not a thing.

- Yeah, I was.
- No way.

Bing it. Bing it.

Quinn, is it mandatory
we bring a date?

Well, not for you, no.

It's woman-datory!

Aah!

d Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

I've been using this
Kindling dating App

to try to find a prom date,

and so far, I've
got zero matches.

Well, let me look
at your profile.

No, dude.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Steamy photo.

I can see your belly button.

It says here that
your hobbies include

"getting potle with my boys."

What is "potle with my boys"?

It's "poat-lay," as in chipotle.

You know, we all just
can't bring our wives

and just fight our way
across the dance floor.

Well, if you must know,

my wife and I are
getting a divorce,

or as you would say, "Vorce."

Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't
know you were getting vorced.

May divorce be with you.

Well, it's probably
for the best.

I'm fine. You know?

Hey, It'll give me time

to get back to the things
that I really love.

Like maybe I'll start
teaching again.

Or my music.

Oh, man, well, if you're
getting your awful,

violent band together, maybe
you guys should play prom.

You think they'd play with me?

You think they'd do it?

No, dude, I'm just totally
messing with you.

You're probably right.
I bet they would.

That's a great idea!

Hey, how's it going
for you on Kindling?

It is raining douche for me.

I am never gonna
find a prom date.

I just swiped left on some
loser named "sodapay99."

It's pronounced "so dope,"
and it's "nine nine!"

Like the year I graduated?

Whoa! That's you?

You have, like, no matches.

Yeah, I'm aware.

It says here that you
love mountain climbing.

Really? What's the last
mountain that you climbed?

Depression.

That took a hard left.

Anyway, just like high school,

looks like I'm gonna be
going to prom by myself.

Well, you don't
have a prom date,

and I don't have a prom date.

That's a great idea!

We'll go together as friends.

Oh, I was sort of just saying
the facts as they happen,

but, yeah, okay.

Sure. Why not? We
can go together.

Yeah.

What time is your mom
gonna pick us up?

What?

I hear you, Mr. Shoemaker, but
the fact of the matter is,

there is no money left in the
prom budget for a live band.

I spent everything on some

fun edible arrangements
for the kids.

But these guys will
do it for free.

Okay? And they're awesome.

They were on the
verge of greatness

until some Yoko came
along and got pregnant

and broke them up.

But the kids are
gonna love them.

Okay, fine.

But I want to reiterate...

Nothing loud or
aggressive, okay?

- Nope.
- Remember, Candyland!

Yeah! I promise.

I mean, it's not
like their singer

is on the verge of some
sort of crazy manic episode

because my wife is leaving...
him.

That doesn't even make
any sense, does it?

Ha ha ha!

I don't even know
what I was saying.

The principal will see you now!

Thanks, Tammy.

You really do a great
job around here.

I think he has cancer.

So, you're telling me that none
of your prom stories were true

and that you never even once
got a cheerleader pregnant?

She got pregnant, all
right, but not by my sword.

I actually fell on my
own sword that evening,

several times.

And now it's about
to happen again.

That's nonsense.

You could get a prom
date like that.

But I haven't had
sex in 11 months.

Ohh! What the hell
was that for?!

- I don't know.
- Jesus!

My world is crumbling right now.

I think that's a bit
of an overreaction.

Yeah, well, the
coolest guy I know,

it turns out he's a loser!

Hey, I didn't come in
here to be ridiculed.

I came in here to tell you

that I will not be chaperoning
your stupid prom.

- Wait!
- Ow!

So, guess what. We're
gonna go together.

Two stags, running
wild in the night.

I don't know, Quinn.

That all sounds a little...
Well, gay.

Well, then don us now
our gay apparel.

"So dope nine nine!"

You said it the right way.

- Yeah.
- You know what?

Yes. Why not?

- Yes?
- Yeah, I'll go.

- This is happening?
- I'll go to prom.

Friends.

Just friends going to prom.

Oh, that is the spirit.

- Tammy, - Don't tell.

Press me now my gay apparel!

I just got a prom date

with Mr. Loren Payton!

That was the
school-wide intercom.

I cannot catch a break.

Yeah, let's bring it back.
Oh, you're almost there.

Keep going. A little more.

Mm! You know what?
I don't like it.

I was wrong. Push it
back towards the wall...

all the way back where it was.

I'm so...

Hey. Shit heel!

Neezles!

You got my messages.

Yeah, all nine of
them, 4:00 A.M.

Yeah, you kind of scared my kids

with that laughing/crying
stuff, man.

Are you okay, Billy?

I'm fine!

Those were joke messages.

Remember, the Jerky Boys.

"Hey, there, tough guy."

- It didn't sound like jokes.
- It was that.

- It sounded serious.
- Doesn't matter.

You're here now.

We should get up onstage and
do a little sound checking.

Sound...

You don't think we're actually

gonna play prom
with you, do you?

We haven't played in
over a decade, Billy.

Capitalist emulsification

was the high water mark
of all of our lives.

I think that my daughter
being born was pretty cool.

Yeah, we had 10 years last week.

We were the preeminent

post-anarchist speed
bludgeon band in Denver.

And I tell you what, dudes.

You want to go back to
your shitty normal lives,

well, you just be my guest.

You go ahead.

All right, man. Well,
good seeing you.

- What?
- Yeah, nice to see you, Billy?

Get some help, man.

- It's just a statement.
- Are you Geoffrey Quinn?

I got the invoice
for the edibles.

Do I look like
Geoffrey Quinn to you?

Wait.

Is this all for tonight?

Yeah, it's for tonight. The
principal's a huge hippie.

The prom is Candyland.

I'm sorry I bothered you guys.

Well, hey, hey, hey. You
know, I don't see why

we can't call the girls

and say we're gonna be
a little late tonight.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. You know, hey,

get the band back together.

Capitalist, uh...

- Capitalist emasculation.
- Capitalist emancipation.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah!

Oh, God! That's awesome!

I didn't realize you guys
had such a sweet tooth,

but that's great!

I'm gonna go get my leathers!

Which one gives me,
like, a body high,

like I'm getting
my nipples sucked?

Just do all of them
together, and then do more.

I never thought to eat
a sandwich like this.

It's great, right? Every prom.

Most I've ever eaten...
2 feet 3 inches.

My dates would usually
finish the rest.

Your dates ate 3 feet
9 inches of a sub?

Sometimes. They learned how
in basic eating class.

You mean lunch.

No, basic eating came
right before lunch.

They just wanted us to be ready.

Wait. What school did
you go to again?

Ugh.

Oh. I'm sorry.

You don't have to answer that.

No, ugh...

The school for Unusually
Gifted Humans... "Ugh."

- You mean U.G.H.?
- Yeah.

But isn't that school for re...
Ally great kids?

The greatest.

My mom said all the schools
in our area were really bad,

so she loopholed me in.
I loved it.

There were blind kids,
deaf kids, kids in scamps.

So were all the kids disabled?

Well, we said "special."

I learned not to judge
people on how they walk

or talk or don't
walk or don't talk.

I-I've never met a guy
like you, Fairbell.

You're not like any
lady I've ever met.

You have, like, mermaid hair.

That's so nice, Fairbell.

Uh, um...

Oh. Oh.

Wait a minute. Are you
trying to kiss me?!

Wait. Time-out! Time-out!
Time-out!

I thought we were going
to prom as friends.

What?

Wait. Are you putting
me in the friend zone?

Friend zo...

Is that that old
laser tag place?

Oh, my God. Is that
what you want to do?

We can go do laser tag.
I just never thought...

Wait. Then we can putt putt!

Wait up! Wait!

Wait!

Whoa! Quinn, you got us a limo.

Do I look like Quinn to you?

Jesus. No, Tammy, you
look like Grimace.

Tough talk coming
from Guy Fieri.

This is not Guy Fieri.

It's Eminem, Circa nine-nine.

Where the hell is Quinn?

Right here. He's on
the phone for you.

What is this,
"Charlie's Angels"?

Quinn, where the hell are you?

Hey, Loren!

One of the Jesse's fell down
an abandoned silver mine.

So, what... You stood
me up to help him?

No. If I could be there,
I-I absolutely would.

I, um...

Tonight's not about me.

It's about you and having
that prom that you deserve,

you cool guy, you best friend.

Quinn, are you crying?

No! No!

I just happened to get
some silver dust.

In both of my eyes...

At the exact same time.

So I got to, uh,
get out of here.

Take care of Tam-Tam.

Time's up with the phone, so...

Hey...

Bud.

Whoa. It looks like
Burning Man in here.

Hey, uh, can we keep
what happened earlier

just between us?

Oh, like a secret
between friends?

Yeah.

Yeah. Easy.

Thank you, friend.

Yeah.

- Oh, Shoemaker.
- Hey, what?

Guess what... earlier,
Abbey tried to kiss me,

and I was all, "No, thank you!"

What the shit, Fairbell?!

Oh! You got put in
the friend zone!

No, no, I put him
in the friend zone!

No, you got put in
the friend zone!

- Wha...
- He's my friend.

Hey, Beth, check it out...

Earlier, she tried to kiss
me, and I was all, "no."

Hey, that's... That's great.

I got... I got to
get out of here.

She's a student!

Uh, she's also a friend.

What's wrong with you?

Yeah, you look messed up.

What?

Nothing.

Something's up.

For sure.

Hey, get your head out
of that punch bowl!

Oh, cool hair, dude. You
look like an ice queen.

Earlier, Abbey tried to kiss
me, and I was like, "no!"

- Oh, my God, Fairbell.
- "It's not that kind of a date."

No wonder you were
never into me.

You only like these prom kings.

You want to tell
friendship secrets?

The only reason that Fairbell
was top of the food chain

is because he went to a
school for special kids.

- Wait. You went to U.G.H.?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

All your prom king wins
make perfect sense now.

You know what? I
prefer U.G.H., okay?

At least they weren't
mean like you normies.

Look, Fairbell, you're a Normie.

- Nuh-unh.
- Oh, man.

Oh, come on, friend!

I'm sorry!

- God, so sensitive.
- Wow. U.G.H.

Are you kidding me?

Sit down right here
and don't move.

I hear you're in charge.

Uh, I guess so, until
Quinn gets back.

Well, he owes me 15 grand for
these Edible arrangements.

For candy?!

No, come on. This is pot candy.

Look at our logo. It's
got Z's instead of S's.

Actually, it's an
incredibly common mistake.

It's how we make all our money.

I'm gonna go see who's 18.

Holy shit.

Quinn just dosed an
entire graduating class.

D Legend.

Okay. Things are
gonna get ugly fast.

Keep calm. Keep
everybody mellow.

All right, lovelies!

This one's for Leeds!

Unce, 2, 3, 4!

D Raining blood! d

Wow. Holy shit.

He looks like such an asshole.

D Corporations are taking over d

Stupid normies.

Ugh!

I was too prom king.

Who spilled all this water
here and didn't clean it up?!

That's rule one of basic eating!

Hello?

Coach coming in. Cover
up your you-know-whats.

Oh, my God!

My baby's coming!

I'm gonna call 911. Oh, God.

You have reached 911.

The current wait
time is 83 minutes.

- Shh.
- You shh!

If this is an emergency,
please hang up.

Okay, let's try plan "B."

What? No! It's too
late for that!

You have to take
that the day after!

Just stay here. Don't
let anything in or out.

I'm gonna be back
with a grown-up.

I'll try.

Who spilled this water?!

D Eat your money, piggy, piggy d

d Oink oink oink d

d Eat your money, piggy, piggy d

d Raining in blood! d

d Eat your money, piggy, piggy d

d Oink oink oink d

Not a lot of metaphor
in these lyrics, huh?

Yeah. Kind of on the nose.

D Eat your money, piggy, piggy d

d Oink oink oink d

d Eat your money, piggy, piggy d

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa! Did we
blow a fuse or...

Tammy, what are you doing?

These kids are stoned out
of their minds, Shoemaker.

Your midlife crisis is
causing a real-life crisis!

What? Midlife crisis?

Guys, I'm not having...

Get off the stage, Billy Idol.

Back off. This is
bigger than you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, It's
more important than you.

All right.

You know what?

Sometimes the man tries
to shit in your denim!

But you got to fight back.

Ohh!

I am nothing!

Get away!

Shut up!

Stupid ass.

Thank God. Dr. Green, you
got to come with me.

Beth is about to
become two people.

Dude, you should call a doctor.

Wait. How far apart
are her contractions?

Contractions? I don't know.

She's just breathing like this.

- That's not pregnant.
- She's clearly pregnant.

Sweet Jesus!

Abbey, Dr. Green, go
help Fairbell with Beth.

Come on.

Loren, I need you to help
keep these kids calm.

Me? What am I supposed to do?

Step up, Slim Shady,

while I go order 400 Ubers
to get these kids home!

She's right. I am Slim Shady.

All those other Slim Shady's
are just imitating.

Oh, Jesus.

Little Debbie, go
get me a laptop,

huge headphones, and a $17
bottle of water, stat!

This is about to be
so God damn dope.

Okay, I don't know what's
going on down there,

but that Venus
Flytrap is infected.

Typical doctor...
Stoned as shit.

It's okay. I'm a former doula.

Former?

Well, there was a... There
was a shoving incident.

- It's not a big deal.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're the shoving doula?

H-how do you get
certified for that?

What, do you take
10 yoga classes?

Give me some.

Okay. You're everything
that's wrong

with modern medicine.

Yeah, well, you're a
bicycle with eyeballs.

- Oh, my God.
- Don't you shove me, doula!

Beth, don't worry.

Remember, I'm the
health teacher, okay?

I got this.

Oh, dear God, no!

Stupid normies.

We are a real band.

Gross. What is this?

Ugh.

Hello?

Okay.

Now, how do deejays
do this again?

Oh, yeah.

You know what? It's
actually pretty cool.

Looks like a cat going
through a fence.

Whoa, whoa. What is
going on in here?

Beth's having her baby,

and these two won't
stop fighting.

I need some help.

Okay. No worries.

I've done this before.

I was around for my son's birth,

and I remember it
all very vivid...

This is deejay
"sodopay nine-nine"!

Just reminding you all,

your mind might go
to some dark places,

and it might get
scary for a minute,

and it might get away from you,

but here's what you
got to remember.

When it goes away,
when all hope is lost,

yo, it always comes right back!

Baby witch!

Can somebody who knows what
they're doing help me out?!

You guys aren't helping at all

because all you're
doing is yelling!

- Shh!
- Oh, my God.

Get it together!

I have fluid on my lips.

It's coming!

Ooh, time-out. Time-out.

No, no, no more
time-outs, coach!

Now, none of y'all are gonna

tell your parents
about this, right?

No! No! No! No!

This shit ain't for them!

Also, we'll get crazy arrested!

When I say "sodopay,"
you say "nine-nine!"

Sodope!

Nine-nine!

Sodope!

Nine-nine!

Now this is music!

Ha ha!

It's coming!

No, no. I'm not ready.

Aaaaah!

Oh, God!

Look what just fell out of Beth!

Oh, my God.

Fairbell, you're a hero.

Seriously, though, w-w-what...
What was that?

What... on your finger?

High five.

I can't believe we made a baby.

Yeah, let's working on
phrasing that a different way.

But you really are a
prom king, Fairbell.

You know, seeing the
miracle of birth,

witnessing it in its rawest form

just made me miss
my family so much.

Mm-hmm.

I think I want to have
another baby with my wife.

That'll... That'll fix things.

Dude, definitely.
Kids fix everything.

Right?

Smoot!

Mm!

Superintendent Carson.

To what do we owe the pleasure?

Well, I suppose you heard

that Principal Quinn was
arrested earlier today.

- What?
- For the Edibles?

No. Apparently, he exposed
himself to a group of students

in some sort of a school prank.

Wow. I can't even believe
I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna defend Quinn, but...

Quinn didn't realize
that's what he was doing.

He only went into
that room naked

because he thought he
was going to his death.

I will not be scared anymore!

He didn't know he was going
in front of a bunch of kids.

Aaah!

Point is, we have to have
an interim principal

before the gavel falls. Agreed?

And I'm appointing the
obvious choice here.

Sit down, Fairbell.

Tammy.

Wait. Tammy?

Thank you.

But no one's pressing charges
against us tonight, right?

Hell no, Tammy.

From what I've been told,

the kids all had a
very good time.

Yeah, you bet your ass
they had a good time.

Well, until next time.

Smoot!

D Happy trails d

d Till we meet again d

I don't think he knows he's
not riding a real horse.

Those aren't the lyrics, either.

Hmm. Man...

Quinn is in jail.

Wow.

I mean, should we do something?

Yeah. Clean this shit up.

Yeah.

Somebody should
clean this shit up.

I said, clean this shit up!

Oh.

You mean literally.

That wasn't a... Okay.

I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm the principal
of a high school.

Fresh fish!

Fresh fish!

Here, fishy, fishy, fishy!

Isn't "Shawshank" a classic?

You know, it's one
of those movies,

no matter how many times
it's on, I always watch it.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!