Those Who Can't (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - K-Pop Goes the Weasel - full transcript

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ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!

Why are we here after dark?

Well, I didn't set the schedule.
Tammy did.

Probably to make my life hell.

I missed a brewery
opening tonight.

There's two more afterwards.

I was just hanging out,

playing a little
one-on-none game of horse.

Well, I found a disturbing
anonymous letter

on my windshield,

written by someone claiming
to be a former Smoot student.



All right, I settled out
of court with that kid.

Yeah, his nose was
broken, but they re...

It probably wasn't him.

It was probably that kid you
"accidentally" on purpose

pushed down the stairs.

Ooh. Or maybe it's
that albino kid

you ran over in the parking lot.

You remember that?

It was snowing, and you
know it was snowing.

- He has red eyes. Okay!
- How about we stop guessing?

How about that? Okay?

The letter reads,

"Principal Quinn, Mr. Shoemaker,

Coach Fairbell, Mr. Trebin,



and Mr. Payton made my
life hell at Smoot,

so now I bring the hell to you.

So there."

Yeah, that sounds like a
Smoot student, all right.

Yeah. So, what did
the police say?

I wanted to make sure we
were all in agreeance

before I made the call.

Yeah, we're in agreeance.
It's a death threat.

Call the cops.

- What are you doing?
- Okay. Calm down.

Well, the phone is dead.

Use my cellphone.

Oh, God. There's
no signal at all.

Hey, what's the e-mail
for the police?

Okay.

Well, my computer's
not even working.

Okay. So you're
saying the land line,

our cellphones, and the
internet are all down?

That's pretty weird.

It's okay. There's no
reason to freak out.

How about now?

d

D Quit wasting my time d

d I ain't here for you d

d I'm just putting in work d

d Till my day is through d

Okay, all right.

The janitors probably
just locked us in here...

From the outside...
With a chain...

And a padlock.

- Guys, there's somebody out there.
- What?

You guys, I'm telling
you, he was right there.

Hey. Calm down. You're
scaring the little one.

What are those?

Oh.

My new Kpop sneaks.

I just got 'em.
They were $218.94.

Shipped straight from Korea.

They're the New York Good Times
Rock 'n' Roller edition.

Check it out... Every
time I jump...

Freedom Tower!

Did that shoe just
say, "Freedom Tower"?

God, you're an asshole.

Money well spent.

Okay, look. Enough
about Fairbell's

admittedly very,
very cool sneakers.

Can we please get out of here?

Okay.

- Aah!
- Jesus!

Come on! Don't do that!

I almost shit my pants!

Thank God I found you guys!
This is crazy.

Are any of your
cellphones working?

No. Nothing is working.

Okay. Admittedly, that
is pretty spooky,

but we're not completely
out of options.

Abbey, have you checked
any other doors?

They're all locked.

I was just going down
the science hallway.

There's an emergency exit
there that is always open.

I use it to sneak
outside to smoke wee...

To s-stop kids
from smoking weed.

- Oh.
- Good save.

- Are you pushing?
- I'm pushing!

- Come on!
- Chained!

Okay. Well, nobody freak out.

Just a door that's never
locked is locked.

Yeah, the janitor probably
checked out early, right?

I mean, they love to
spend that $5.50 an hour

at Dave & Buster's.

That's true.

- Is Trebin still here?
- Dan?

We missed you at the
mandatory meeting, bud.

There you go, Fairbell.
Nice and brave of you.

Dan?

There's nobody in here.

Uh, guys? Hey, cool hand.

Dan, if this is your idea of
a joke, it's really sick.

I don't think it's a joke.

Trebin is the least
funny person I know.

I don't know. I went out
drinking with him one time,

and he cried the entire time.

It was pretty funny.

Wasn't it, Trebin,
you funny guy?

Oh, my God!

Come on, Fairbell!

I am done trying to rationalize
any of this, all right?

What the hell is going
on around here?

Trebin's name was one of
the names in the letter,

so someone tell me right now
that this is just a dream!

I bet it's my dream.

I have scary dreams
like this all the time

after I watch "Charmed."

Just pinch me, and I'll wake up.

Ohh! I said pinch!

- Aah!
- Hey, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's your dream.

Oof!

What are you doing?!

Well, if it was my dream,
that's what I would do.

- Ohh!
- Oh, God!

We're still here. It's
not Shoemaker's dream.

Ohh! Jesus, Abbey!
It's not my dream!

Maybe it's your dream.
I should hit you.

No, no! I want Quinn to hit me.

Okay. Yeah, I'll I'll do it.

Oh, come on, Quinn.
Hit me like a man.

Wake me up.

I know. Okay. Oh.

Oww!

Aah!

Oh, Christ! That was amazing!

Well, that's all of us. This
is clearly not a dream.

This is real, and Trebin's dead.

I'm out of here!

- Loren!
- Wait!

Hit me again, Quinn!

Statue of Liberty!

Oh, come on!

How did that not work?

Hey there, friend,
that's school property.

How about we just take
a nice, deep breath?

You take a breath, Quinn.
I'm not dying in here.

Well, if you don't, then
I lose the office pool.

Calming hug! Calming hug!

- Out of my way, Shoemaker!
- Loren!

Get him!

Help! Help!

Loren, come on!

Help!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Loren! Center yourself, okay?

Soon, our friends
and our loved ones

are gonna notice
that we're missing,

and they're gonna alert
the authorities.

Friends and loved ones.

Who here has anyone at home
who's gonna miss them?

Huh? You, Quinn? Fairbell?
Abbey?

Shoemaker?

My wife will be cashing in

my life-insurance
policy by morning.

See? No one loves us, you guys.

Face it... we're The Goonies.
I'm out of here.

Wait. We can't split up. That's
the first mistake people make.

I'll go to the roof.
I'll jump off.

I don't care if I
break both my legs.

Better than dying here!
Better than dying here!

No! Loren!

Fairbell, was that your shoes?

No.

Wait!

You're not thinking
straight, best friend!

I'm gonna do it.

Wait. No. No! No! No, no!

Quinn, I'll just jump
and lean into the fall.

Navy S.E.A.L.S do
it all the time.

- I'll be fine.
- Listen to yourself.

You're gonna break every
bone in your beautiful body.

Not if I use two chickens
to float me down.

Think about it...
Like in cartoons.

If they flap even a little
bit, it'll slow my descent.

You know what? That's crazy
enough, it just might work.

You bet your ass it is.

You should grab two
of my hardier hens.

I recommend Gertrude
and Isabelle.

- Where are they?
- Well, they're in the back there.

- You got to look for them.
- I don't see them.

Oh, wait a minute.
No, not again!

God damn it, Quinn.
Don't you do this.

- I'm so sorry, Loren.
- Come on.

You are a huge danger
to yourself, all right?

You're gonna be much safer
in there with the chickens.

- Except for Tong Po.
- What?

He's a Thai Fighting Cock.

I got him on Craigslist in the
"Unpleasant Finds" section.

Do not look him in the eye.

What?

Quinn! God damn it, you bastard!

I mean, best friend!
Hey, best friend!

Oh, there you guys are.

Okay. What...

You look like a mean lady.

These were the only clothes
in the lost and found.

Hey, you're the new Shit Jeans.

I am not the new Shit Jeans.

Whatever, Shit Jeans.

Okay, whatever! Ha ha ha ha!

What are we doing?
What's going on?

Okay. Change of plans.

We're gonna find something

to cut through the
chains on those doors.

Oh! You know what?

Last time I got handcuffed
to the bleachers,

Quinn had to go to the shop
room to get a special saw.

Oh, the shop room.
Okay, let's go.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, why didn't
I think of that?

How far away is that?

"Badonks"?!

You're, like, one of the most
popular girls in school.

Shut up, Fairbell!

Wait!

Way to go, Abbey. That's
very brave of you.

Just find something
to cut the chains.

Hey, can we build a birdhouse?

- Shh!
- Sorry.

Can we build a birdhouse?

Dude, I'm serious.

I am telling you
again to shut up!

Do not tell me to shut up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Stupid Terry!

What are you even
doing in here?!

God, the shop kids are fixing
him after the last stabbing.

Oh, my God!

I will slap you! I
will slap your face!

Guys?

Abbey?

Fairbell?

Trebi... oh, that's right.

Guys?

Hello?

Hello?

Looks like he's gone.

This is definitely that
kid from the letter.

What'd you do to him?

Well, I don't know. I'm
mean to a lot of kids.

And before you judge me,

I pushed almost 30% of my
kids into junior college,

and that's not counting
the coast guard numbers.

America love me!

Metrocard-o!

- Your shoes are gonna get us killed.
- Sorry.

You know what?

I may have just figured out a
way to get us out of here.

A helicopter? Yeah!

No, you idiot. The air ducts.

- No, no. No, nope.
- What? What?

N-o-o.

Last time I was up there,
I almost got killed.

What do you think's gonna happen
to us if you stay down here?

Now, you're just
gonna get up there,

you'll find your way out,

and then go look for a
policeman or a grown-up.

Guys, I think that we
should stay together.

I think you should
shut your mouth.

You shut it. Okay? Get up.

Come here. Saddle it in.

Put your hand in the saddle.

Get up! Really? Oh, God!

God, your dick smells
like a cat's yawn.

Do you guys remember
that from the movie?

He's doing that thing
from "Independence Day."

That's from "Aliens."

"They mostly come out at night.

Mostly."

Appletini!

Ohh!

Fairbell has never actually
done anything right,

so we should maybe
think of another pl...

Abbey?

Oh, God!

There's a room full of them!

Ugh. What? Who?

There's like hundreds of them!

They have, like, Uzis
and, like, ninja swords!

Now Uzis? No one
uses Uzis anymore.

I have a child.

I can tell when you're
exaggerating, Fairbell.

Abbey! Abbey!

Oh, God!

Hey, slow down.

I can't run that
fast in my badonks.

I'm going backwards!
I'm going backwards!

Help me stay up! Oh, God!

That is a very
progressive outfit.

Shut up, Quinn! Where
where is Loren?

I had to lock him
in the roof coop.

It's for his own good.

Now tell me right now,
what is going on?!

There's, like, a-a
guy with a mask,

- and he's chasing us all.
- I saw it!

There's like a hundred of
these, like, masked killers.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God.
Oh, God.

- Okay.
- That came from the library.

Okay. Let's go.

Quinn, your cock is in the way.

Oh, my God! It's Tong Po!

Oh, Jesus.

I just want you to know that
I respect your dominance,

and I respect you as a
warrior and a champion.

And we humbly ask you

for safe passage into
the word museum.

How does that sound?

It worked! Did you see that?

We can go in.

Well, hello there, best friend.

Did you miss me?

Okay, Loren, I'm very sorry,

but I just did what I thought
was right in the moment, okay?

- What happened to your face?
- I got Tong Po'd.

I don't know if you ever
tried to pick a lock

with a live rooster, but it's
not as easy as it sounds.

God, you look like seal.

And you look like you should be
getting fingered in a minivan.

I had an incident
earlier with the...

He pooped himself.

He pooped his pants!

Shut your mouth!

I did not poop my pants.

Hey, speaking of Shit
Jeans, where's Abbey?

Probably in there.

Very brave of you.

Abbey?

Quinn!

Quinn, what the hell
are you doing?!

I'm taking a stand! I'm
not gonna run anymore.

I've been running
for far too long,

and that ends tonight!

I will not be scared anymore!

Okay. But why are you
taking your clothes off?

Because if I'm gonna go,

I'm gonna go out like Tong Po...
naked and fighting.

Wow!

Aaaaaaah!

Aaaah!

Oh, my God, Geoffrey.

What, did you steal
somebody's perm wig?

What is going on in here?!

Relax, Mr. Quinn.
It's a senior prank.

Greatest senior
prank of all time!

Yeah. Isn't it hilarious?

Guess I'm pretty
funny after all.

Dan, I'm sorry. I
couldn't help myself.

It's okay.

And, Leslie, you're
encouraging this?

Oh, you betcha.

Chen promised me half of
all the YouTube ad sales.

Oh, yeah. I've always
fancied myself

as a more relevant Eli Roth.

Et tu, Brute?

I'm sorry, Quinn, but I wanted

to see Loren squeal
like a little bitch.

Got to admit, it is
a hell of a show.

And they had it coming.
Those guys are the worst.

Okay. They're not the worst.

How about that one time

when they planted
heroin in my locker?

Or exploited my HPV?

Yeah, and didn't one of them run
over an albino kid with a car?

Chen, it was snowing.

Well, this is boring,

so I'm gonna take them
for another chase.

Tagged out for Bryce!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I can't get this thing off.

Quinn, why are you
desecrating that flag?

Abbey, you're in on
this whole thing?

Yeah. The kids knew that
I would be down with it,

so they came to me.

I'm sort of the
cool teacher here.

No, I thought that was Loren.

No, nope. It's me.
Always been me.

Check it!

Shoemaker, come on!

Oh, my God.

Come on, Shoemaker.

God damn it, I can't
bend my knees.

Holy shit. Holy shit.
What is happening?

Abbey's head got cut off!

Hey. We'll grieve when we
get out of here, all right?

Up until that point,

we'll fight our way
out if we have to.

Hey, wait. That's my first
compass from elementary scho...

Christ, Shoemaker, did you
have to cut them so short?

Can you do me next?

I've always wanted
some Khaki Dukes.

I cut them short because
we are going to survive.

Okay?

They were stupid, we're smart,

and that's why they're dead.

No wonder they got Trebin early.

The weakest gazelle
is always taken first

at the watering hole.

Exactly.

Okay, look, I get it...
An old-fashioned prank.

Good job. I love Ashton Kutcher.

When they lost that car,
that was hilarious.

But this... this
is too far, okay?

So we're gonna shut this down.

Yes, we're shutting it down.

Look at Quinn.

When he got naked, did
you see his body?

Do you think he'd survive?

No muscle mass? He looked
like a giant baby.

Yeah, he even
smells like a baby.

Oh, he wouldn't shut up about
wanting to be my best friend

when we were on the roof.

I was about to jump
just to get rid of him.

Actually, maybe it's not over.

Maybe it's just begun.

Yeah!

Okay. So it's settled.

We use Quinn's beard
oil to make torches,

and then we all
head for the sewer.

Is this really our best plan?

- Shawshank.
- Secret of the Ooze?

And then there were three.

"But not all of you
have to die," said he.

Just one.

Who will be the lamb
for my slaughter?

Fun?

Choose one to die,
and two will live,

or fail, and all your
lives you'll give.

Bring your sacrifice to the gym.

You have five minutes.

Send him.

That was pretty good. Oh. Mm.

Better take my finger off.

Hey, Fairbell, can Shoemaker
and I have a minute?

Just a second. Yeah. Sure.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Okay. So, I think we're
in agreeance that...

- No doi. We don't even have to say it.
- Perfect.

Hey, Fairbell? Buddy?
Want to go for a walk?

Yeah, sure.

Come on, boy. Let's go outside.

Let's go. Come on, buddy.

- Want to go in the hallway again?
- Come on, buddy.

There you go. Go first.

Attaboy.

What should we do about
that crazy voice?

We should probably
come up with a plan.

Maybe later.

Maybe you should just think

about some of your favorite
memories, Fairbell.

Oh, that's easy.

All my favorite memories
involve you guys.

Remember that time we were
stuck in the school, and...

Shoemaker pooped his pants
and had to wear badonks?

- You mean from like a minute ago?
- Yeah.

Please don't let that be your
last favorite memory, Fairbell.

It won't be, but we
should think of a plan.

Oh, maybe some other time.

Hey, unrelated... Who's
your next of kin?

I guess that would be...
You guys.

You're basically my family.

This... this is getting rough.

Okay, let's walk in silence.
How about that?

Okay. If you two won't
think of a plan, I will.

Can you not walk and
plan at the same time?

No, 'cause then all my plans
would involve walking.

I love you guys.

Okay, I said quiet!

It's like taking a
dog to the vet.

It's worse than taking
a dog to a vet.

Oh, God.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

I'm sorry!

Fairbell!

Fairbell! What are you doing?!

I asked you guys a million
times to come up with a plan,

and all you wanted to do
was talk about memories!

Fairbell!

You open this door, you traitor!

I mean, best friend! Fairbell!

Open the door, best friend.

Don't worry. I'm gonna
think of something.

Fairbell, you smart,
stupid son of a bitch!

Open the door!

I said only one!

For fun.

Yeah, well, there's two
of us, you psycho!

And we've been through
too much tonight

to throw in the towel now,

so you're gonna have to
go through both of us!

You like that, you freak bitch?!

I'm sorry!

Can't sucker punch someone
and say you're sorry!

I have a family!

Cut it out, you two! It's over!

What?!

Quinn?

It was you the whole time?

It was just a joke.
It's the senior prank.

This is all a prank?

Yeah, I found out myself

not that long ago after
being very naked.

I tried to shut it down, but...

Then I heard what you...
Actually thought of me.

Well, I don't apologize,
especially after all this shit.

Loren, is that how you feel?

It was in the heat of
the moment, Quinn.

I wasn't thinking straight.

So... We're still best friends?

Yes, we're best friends.

At school. Just at school.

- Girl power!
- Well, great.

Then it is finally over.

You stabbed me!

Quinn?

Fairbell, what the shit?!

I thought I was saving you guys!

Wait. You still have a head?

I'de be pissed but at least
Quinn got stabbed so...

And I'm so sorry about that

but based on
everything I knew, I,

thought I was doing
the right thing.

Wanna apologize.

I'm sorry for the sucker punch.

Lets call it even for me trying to
gouge out your eyes with my teeth

Hey, I'm sorry for locking
both of you guys in there

while I figuring out my
plan but it worked, right?

- Yeah fuck off.
- You fuck right off.

You just fuck off.

Well, I hope everyone learned a
valuable lesson in karma today.

Hope you enjoyed the
payback losers.

He is the coolest kid in school.

ENJOY!!!! Do not
miss this tomorrow!